Category: The Guys in Moms

| Posted in Facepalm, The Guys in Moms

Three in the bed and the little one said, ‘Roll off me’

"You've saved this marriage, bed baby."
“You’ve saved this marriage, bed baby.”

As a new trend that should have no ill consequences whatsoever, more parents are sleeping with their infants.

We should rephrase that.

More parents are sharing their beds with their infants. Called “bed-sharing,” at least 14 percent of parents said they let their babies sleep in their beds, even though they’re not potty trained and tend to spend much of their day on the filthy, filthy floor.

This goes against doctors’ warnings that the incidents of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), accidental suffocation and getting trapped in bedding have risen with the trend. But, hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves and declare all bed-sharing parents as America’s next “people who leave their dogs in cars.” There hasn’t been an official connection made between the two … in humans, anyway.

Being a parental role model makes me a sad panda.
Being a parental role model makes me a sad panda.
| Posted in The Guys in Moms, What a Reach!

Kraft Mac and Cheese gives Internet moms the blues

Mm, real cheesy goodness that you can cook on either a stove-top range or in a spoon for intravenous consumption.
Mm, real cheesy goodness that you can cook either on a stove-top range or in a spoon for intravenous consumption.

Two very courageous mommy bloggers are taking on Big Macaroni. (We’d abbreviate that to “Big Mac,” but The Guys blew our legal services budget on whole grain alcohol.)

The authors, one of which writes a blog called “100 Days of Real Food,” posted a petition on Change.org to make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese — a product containing powdered cheese and 35 percent of your daily sodium — more “real” by taking out food dyes Yellow #5 and #6.

Meanwhile, at the grocery store: rows of actual cheese and pasta remain unsold.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, The Guys in Moms

Resent all of your kids equally

"I may be hugging both of you, but I'm wearing deodorant under only one arm."
“I may be hugging both of you, but I’m wearing deodorant under only one arm.”

Even if one of your children seems like a bastard, that’s no reason to treat them like one. That’s according to researchers from the University of Toronto, who say that differential parenting — when you clearly prefer one child over another in thought and deed — may negatively affect the entire family.

So, if you hoped that locking the bad one in the cupboard would keep him out of the good one’s way, no dice, Mr. Dursley. Looks like you’ll have to try a method of parenting that the Guys* developed called “Equal Opportunity Spankings.”

We plan to sell these, so we can’t tell you much about the EOS home kit other than it involves a Sorry game board, moisturizer and a Mad Libs book where all the noun spaces are filled in with your children’s names.

*None of the Guys are parents, which makes us the best judges on how to raise your children. No conflict of interest here.

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors, The Guys in Moms

Siri is … NOT the father!

"Your peak fertility date is ... January ... 12 ... 1994. Would you like me to call an animal adoption center?"
“Your peak fertility date is … January … 12 … 1994. Would you like me to call an animal adoption center?”

Hello, SeriouslyLadies! How are those resolutions coming? You know: losing some pounds, quitting smoking, dressing more like Rizzo to finally land Danny or maybe even — dare we say — having a baby?

If you’re not pregnant, yet, don’t worry. There’s an app for that. (SeriouslyGuys: bringing back 2008′s punchlines for 2013!)

Ovuline isn’t your grandma’s ovulation calendar app. It also asks you deeply personal questions about your mood, weight, calorie intake, blood pressure and cervical mucous. We’re not sure how your phone takes these measurements, but we’re positive that you won’t have to worry about your man spying on your phone while you go take a dump. Er, freshen up.

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors, Booze News, The Guys in Moms

Baby Merlot now serving Toddler Wine

Frequent readers already know that The Guys are entrepreneurs. We entered the booze business recently by selling Baby Merlot, a brand of wine that trains future drinkers in the womb so that they’ll be more advanced than their wine cooler-sipping peers in Kindergarten.

We’re no proud to introduce phase two: Toddler Wine. Toddler Wine is available in white, red or blush and is served in mommy’s glass. This will help mommy share sips of her wine with her toddler, fostering shared interests, all while keeping Junior in training for the big league drinks in high school. Basically, if Baby Merlot is our Childhood Development program’s Baby Mozart, then Toddler Wine is our Sesame Street.

But what about after the toddler years? The Guys are busy in our lab, trying on each other’s coats. And also working out the kinks in our beer and liquor programs.

enthused-friends
| Posted in Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood', Sex Sells, The Guys in Moms

Evan’s 10-year-old friends agree: Jenny McCarthy is the best. Mom. Ever.

Her battle with vaccinations over, Jenny McCarthy has returned to the only thing she’s been good at: posing nude for Playboy. The 39-year-old says that she “doesn’t have any qualms about posing nude even though she’s a mom to 10-year-old Evan,” to which Evan’s 10-year-old friends readily agreed.

SeriouslyGuys Warning: Do not apply to baby more than eight times a week.
| Posted in Booze News, The Guys in Moms

Baby Merlot gets go-ahead from Danish doctors

As you may recall, we recently unveiled the latest tool in pre-child rearing: Baby Merlot. Applied to the womb, Baby Merlot prepares your zygote for a life of being awesome and fun at Happy Hour.

And guess what, naysayeers? It’s totally OK for them, too. According to research conducted on Danish mothers and their children (meaning no future American workers were put in jeopardy), “low to moderate weekly drinking in early pregnancy had no significant effect on neurodevelopment of children aged five years, nor did binge drinking.” Those five-year-olds, in fact, had the same test scores as kids from abstaining mothers, but just imagine if there was a shots category.

The only kids whose performance was impacted negatively were those of regular heavy drinkers, or mothers who consumed 9 or more drinks a week. That’s why all boxes of Baby Merlot prominently display a warning not to use it on your baby more than eight times a week. SeriouslyGuys, we care about your fetus.

reefer-radness
| Posted in Facepalm, The Guys in Moms

Racking up those early, formative years

A 19-year-old mother in Phoenix accidentally left her five-week-old son on the roof of her car and drove off. The baby was fortunately in his child safety seat and suffered no injuries. According to the report, she admitted to smoking marijuana, which may have contributed to her forgetfulness. Her coffee, however, was securely placed in a cupholder and is fine despite being from Starbucks.

On a positive note, neither the pot nor the roof-top baby incident should bar her entry into the 2028 presidential campaign.

goober-confusion
| Posted in Booze News, The Guys in Moms

The Guys in Moms

Mother’s Day is coming up, so The Guys thought we’d dedicate an entry to the ongoing concerns of moms in our sensitively-titled series: The Guys in Moms.

If you’ve been wanting to stick a pacifier in your infant, but have been told not as this could discourage your infant from breastfeeding, researchers have good news: pacifier-use may not contribute to nipple confusion. Despite curbing pacifier use in neonatal facilities, nursing went down when compared to numbers during the freewheeling pacifier days. However, cutting oral fixations out of your baby’s diet also does not curb their smoking.

And, for moms of teenagers: some other mom has assembled a handy list of things for your teen to drink. Print a copy and post it on the fridge to keep your kids from dipping into your personal beer supply.