Now that we’ve survived Thanksgiving, it’s time for The Guys to focus on our next important holiday: Valentine’s Day. (Sorry, rest of the world, but this is a country founded on religion, not Socialist, secular snowflake-themed coffee cups.) And the last thing we want is for Valentine’s Day to turn out the way it almost did in Ghostbusters II: ruined by the white mother of two tiny, non-Christian gods.
The mother of Odhinn and Isis (the Norse god of two-dimensional eyesight and Egyptian goddess of unfortunately topical names, respectively) was originally denied customized Nutella jars for her demi-offspring. Nutella will print custom labels for jars in Australia — because of course they do — but only if the requested names don’t appear on their no-toast-list.
After much appeasement and gnashing of teeth, Nutella has agreed to honor young Odhinn, but Isis will have to wait until things improve in the Middle East (much like the Palestinians). Her mother will have to make offerings in a nondescript Nutella jar made holy with sacramental Sharpie.
The mother of gods, Heather Taylor, is “really quite upset by this,” which is a traditional Australian warning that her venom sacs are now fully inflated and ready to pump neuro-toxin into Ferrero CEO/kangaroo Craig Barker. “You are actually making my daughter’s name dirty. You are choosing to refuse my daughter’s name in case the public refers to it negatively.”
And this is why you should always name the children sired by gods with simple names, like Tom or Jennifer. Nobody ever killed anyone in the name of Margaret.
New research indicates that there are no health benefits to mothers who eat the placenta after giving birth. This disproves previous Internet-concocted bullsh*t that claimed that eating your baby’s 9-month dorm room somehow gives you magical anti-depression powers and more energy. With no actual benefit found, plus the possibility of getting sick, doctors are recommending that women stop doing that.
They also added, “You’re being weird and gross. Knock it off. You’re somebody’s mother now.”
America likes to pretend that fat kids are a new problem, even though we’ve always treated them like slovenly second-class second graders. But, now that there aren’t enough attractive kids built like 1980s Billy Zabka to torment them and shut down their rec centers, we’re calling it an epidemic. And that means that medical science is working hard to cure it.
One potential treatment? Drawing smiley faces on healthier foods. Researchers found sales of vegetables increased by 62 percent and fruits by 20 percent when they added smiley faces to their labels. Even milk purchases rose from 7.4% to 48%, although nobody mentioned if the smiley face was added to the missing child announcement on the carton.
So, either kids are as dumb as McDonald’s proved with Happy Meals, or kids just really want to eat faces. Any face. Your face.
According to a recent survey presented to the American Psychological Association, parents who text and call their teenagers while said teens are driving have children who text and use the phone while driving. Of polled teens, 53 percent of polled teens who talked on the phone behind the wheel talked to a parent.
‘Teens told us parents really expected to keep track of them, and they are expected to answer the phone if the parent calls. In some cases, the parent might continue to call until the teen answers,’ says Noelle LaVoie, a psychologist in Petaluma, Calif., whose private research firm conducts corporate and government studies.
So, the next time a teen dings your ’04 Sentra, send the bill to their parents. After all, they’re the ones who can afford the helicopter they’re using to keep constant tabs on their offspring.
This goes against doctors’ warnings that the incidents of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), accidental suffocation and getting trapped in bedding have risen with the trend. But, hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves and declare all bed-sharing parents as America’s next “people who leave their dogs in cars.” There hasn’t been an official connection made between the two … in humans, anyway.
Even if one of your children seems like a bastard, that’s no reason to treat them like one. That’s according to researchers from the University of Toronto, who say that differential parenting — when you clearly prefer one child over another in thought and deed — may negatively affect the entire family.
So, if you hoped that locking the bad one in the cupboard would keep him out of the good one’s way, no dice, Mr. Dursley. Looks like you’ll have to try a method of parenting that the Guys* developed called “Equal Opportunity Spankings.”
We plan to sell these, so we can’t tell you much about the EOS home kit other than it involves a Sorry game board, moisturizer and a Mad Libs book where all the noun spaces are filled in with your children’s names.
*None of the Guys are parents, which makes us the best judges on how to raise your children. No conflict of interest here.
Hello, SeriouslyLadies! How are those resolutions coming? You know: losing some pounds, quitting smoking, dressing more like Rizzo to finally land Danny or maybe even — dare we say — having a baby?
If you’re not pregnant, yet, don’t worry. There’s an app for that. (SeriouslyGuys: bringing back 2008’s punchlines for 2013!)
Ovuline isn’t your grandma’s ovulation calendar app. It also asks you deeply personal questions about your mood, weight, calorie intake, blood pressure and cervical mucous. We’re not sure how your phone takes these measurements, but we’re positive that you won’t have to worry about your man spying on your phone while you go take a dump. Er, freshen up.
Frequent readers already know that The Guys are entrepreneurs. We entered the booze business recently by selling Baby Merlot, a brand of wine that trains future drinkers in the womb so that they’ll be more advanced than their wine cooler-sipping peers in Kindergarten.
We’re no proud to introduce phase two: Toddler Wine. Toddler Wine is available in white, red or blush and is served in mommy’s glass. This will help mommy share sips of her wine with her toddler, fostering shared interests, all while keeping Junior in training for the big league drinks in high school. Basically, if Baby Merlot is our Childhood Development program’s Baby Mozart, then Toddler Wine is our Sesame Street.
But what about after the toddler years? The Guys are busy in our lab, trying on each other’s coats. And also working out the kinks in our beer and liquor programs.
Her battle with vaccinations over, Jenny McCarthy has returned to the only thing she’s been good at: posing nude for Playboy. The 39-year-old says that she “doesn’t have any qualms about posing nude even though she’s a mom to 10-year-old Evan,” to which Evan’s 10-year-old friends readily agreed.