It’s just about the end of the day, and that means you’ve nearly survived April Fools’ Day, which is easily the worst day to have an internet connection. Suddenly, everyone thinks it’s a good idea to announce something jaw dropping and seeing who believes them, and even companies are getting in on the action.
It wasn’t always like this. April Fools’ Day used to be a day of elaborate pranks to get a rise out of people. It was once known as a day to either seek a playful revenge on a rival or get the goat of a good friend. No one puts Lifesavers in their friends’ shower head anymore, no one leaves a pair of pants on top of some shoes in the office bathroom stall and counts the hours until the EMTs are called. Today we settle for Facebook pictures of someone’s cubicle filled with packing peanuts.
What the hell happened to April Fools’ Day? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: How Google killed April Fools’ Day
The American people have a long history of taking people to task. If the public puts its trust in you and you fail, willingly or not, or you harm the country in some way you should have to answer to the people. It’s one of the things that makes this country so great.
For example, after years of stagnation and polarization, the American people had had enough of Congress’ inability to get anything done. That’s why last fall, true patriots went to the polls and re-elected nearly everyone who ran. The only way you were voted out was if someone more uncompromising was running. And so, we got a very public retreat from an assault weapons ban. Progress!
In this tradition, we need to hold accountable those who injure us in the most grievous ways. The people are coming for you, prognosticators! Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Recall Punxsutawney Phil and his cronies
If you were out celebrating St. Patrick’s Day over the weekend, I’ll do my best to write as quietly as possible. I’d even recommend that you turn down the brightness on your screen. You went out and celebrated the approximate date of birth of a Scot who spread Catholicism to the Irish. Any saint would want you to celebrate them by committing a mortal sin by hoisting a glass or eight.
The other big way to celebrate is by dressing somewhat Irish. I dress in relation to occasion for every holiday. At Christmas, I wear a Santa Claus hat, at Valentine’s Day, I wear nothing but a diaper and shoot pink-tipped arrows at passers-by, and on Arbor Day I stand motionless outside from a long time.
But there are other ways to go about celebrating St. Paddy’s Day. For the Boston Police, it’s all about breaking out the paddy wagon (which has to be deemed a racist term by now). Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Why Boston is a twofold shrine on March 17
The Internet has made a lot of important things happen, this blog is by no means at the bottom of that list, as I am sure you will all agree. I would put it somewhere below the Arab Spring and cat videos in terms of benefits to humanity. There have been countless interactions, collaborations and inventions that have come about simply because we built ourselves a system that allows our computers to talk to each other.
And then there’s the Harlem Shake videos. A few weeks ago, some artist named Baauer released a song that became an inexplicably big hit. It’s been at the top of the charts for quite a while, both in the U.S. and abroad. It’s really gotten big because it’s now a YouTube trend.
Even if you’ve been trying to avoid it, you know what I’m talking about. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Still don’t get the “Harlem Shake”
There was a time, if you can think back that far, where people had to share a phone line. In fact, there were even people with party lines, which was basically sharing a phone number with your neighbor (despite the inherent creepiness, this really did exist). Then came the cellular telephone, and everything changed.
They didn’t really catch on until the phones were made affordable and there were actually networks providing signals, but eventually the ball got rolling. For years, there was a great battle between people who had cell phones, and those who didn’t. Now, if you don’t have one, people assume you’re either a senior citizen or just got mugged.
It’s amazing what phones can do these days, but they’re about to do stuff like follow your eyes. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The phone case that will shock you
I apologize in advance if I offend any of you with the views, opinions or jokes in this column offend you. Actually, I don’t apologize. I just ask you to grow up.
We had another award show last night, and with it, the calls for apologies over something that was said or some perceived slight turned into hyped-up beef. The Oscars last night, hosted by Seth MacFarlane, got mixed reviews. There were good performances and bad ones, there were jokes that soared, and jokes that flopped. And William Shatner reminded us how old he is by putting on the Star Trek duds and making a cameo as Captain James T Kirk.
It was a good skit, but I don’t like being reminded how old Shatner is. I demand an apology! Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I demand an apology
It’s a terrible thing when a popular TV show ends, provided it hasn’t stayed on the air three seasons longer than necessary, which is an American tradition. So when “30 Rock” went off the air a couple weeks ago, there was lamentation and general gnashing of teeth. It was very sad.
But the loss can be especially felt by the show’s stars, who suddenly find themselves with a lot more free time with which they can spend all that hard-earned cash they’ve built up. We all worry about what Tina Fey will do left to her own devices, or even how much fatter Tracy Morgan will get.
But we all knew that it would be Alec “Words with Friends” Baldwin to get things kicked off. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The dogs make Alec Baldwin do it
Take this job and shove it. Pope Benedict XVI didn’t exactly quote Johnny Paycheck, but that’s the gist of it. The pope is resigning from his job, one that you typically only leave when they carry you out in a casket. But, citing ill health, the soon-to-be former Pope Benedict announced he was stepping down, which is apparently something you can do. It’s like being on the U.S. Supreme Court, only with fewer pro-lifers protesting outside your building.
The world hasn’t seen the resignation of a pope since Gregory XII in 1415, but that was under completely different circumstances. At that time, there were three different claimants to the papal hat, and three different sets of cardinals that elected them. Gregory’s resignation helped to end the Western Schism, which is likely also the name of a band that opened for Radiohead. This time, the pope, 85, just wants to live out the rest of his days without all the robes.
Benedict’s resignation means that we will have a new pope by Easter. Who will be the next pope? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Candidates for the next pope
There’s a gloom in Washington, D.C. these days. There’s a major battle brewing, and it’s already being fought in the Internet sewers. Soon it will come bumbling up. You see, the citizens feel their constitutional rights are being threatened, and President Barack Obama is to blame. It’s no wonder his second term began under such controversy.
The rights I speak of, of course, are our First Amendment rights. You know, the ones where we get to say whatever we want, assemble peacefully, have our own religion, complain to the government and have a free press. Our rights to have a free media, regardless of its intelligence or lack thereof, are being infringed upon, fellow citizens.
That’s right, America, the Obama administration is coming to take your opinions away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Obama wants to take our opinions
Perhaps you’ve heard that Florida’s Everglades are becoming overrun with Burmese pythons. If you haven’t, well, the Everglades are becoming overrun with Burmese pythons. Why? Because some people thought it was a good idea to buy an 8-plus-foot-long pet that can eat just about anything it looks at. After a while, these people figured it wasn’t such a good idea, and let their snakes go into the wild. Some may have arrived by plane.
The problem, or course, is that Florida isn’t Burma, though parts of it are as bombed out. That means these snakes were introduced into areas where they’re not supposed to be, and they are killing everything. Birds, deer, even alligators, are no match for these things.
So Florida’s fighting back the best way it knows how: by sending people into the Everglades with machetes in a hunting competition. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: It’s open season on all pythons