For the past, oh let’s say 13 years, America has kind of been on a tight security kick. There’s more crap you have to go through to get into important buildings, and stadiums are using security as an excuse to check your bags for outside food. And to make sure everyone is safe, you have to take your shoes off at the airport.
One city with a mentality toward security is New York City, naturally. It only makes sense that a city that was once attacked in a horrific way would take steps to ensure it never happened again. After losing so many lives and such a symbol of pride, New York City is more secure than ever.
And if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge for you to scale. Continue reading
I like to think of myself as a well-informed consumer of media. I don’t always trust a news source just because it is able to put words on a page. Instead, I read a lot of news and then draw my own conclusions, as any thoughtful citizen of the world should do.
It’s because I am so versed in media literacy that I feel especially good when I work myself into hysterics because of a handful of incidents happening around the world at any given time. That’s why I’m here to plead with you: Please stop taking selfies. Not because it might make you sad if people don’t like them, not because your lady friends will judge you, and not even because it’s a fake word that is now treated like a real one in Scrabble.
Your selfie just might kill you. Continue reading
Hey internet, I have a request. I know I tend to come up with these from time to time, (example: stop posting pictures of your face, food and children every single day) but this one I think is a bit easier to embrace: stop getting worked up about another Ghostbusters movie. It’s never going to happen–at least in any form you recognize.
Like so many other people born in the 1980s, I’m enjoying seeing some of my favorite toys and cartoons reimagined on the big screen. I don’t necessarily enjoy the CGI-infested reboots myself, but it’s nice to see new generations getting their own chance with them. If nothing else, it makes me think my childhood wasn’t completely wasted.
But how about we stop clamoring for another Ghostbusters movie? Continue reading
A hundred years ago today the World War I: The Phantom Menace began. Unless we’re talking about birthdays or wedding anniversaries, marking the years since an event happened really doesn’t serve much more purpose other than to sell books or fill time on Pardon The Interruption. (What is it with those guys? They have a “Happy Ann’y” for the most meaningless stuff in sports.)
However, marking a century since the beginning of a massive war that claimed at least 39 million lives seems somewhat appropriate, doesn’t it? After all, WWI gave us some of the 20th century’s greatest hits: machine guns, poison gas and Adolf Hitler, all of which have made American movies what they are today.
But it almost never happened. In fact, the whole thing only occurred because one guy was hungry. Continue reading
Summer time is perfect for doing stupid stuff. You and your friends are outside enjoying the warm weather, and between the beers you’ve been pounding and the sun beating down on you for hours, you’re dumb enough to make some bad choices. Plus, there’s usually some fire and/or sharp things around, which are essential tools for bad drunken ideas.
Fortunately, it’s also the time of year when people head to theme parks. They flock to these places, because there’s no summer memory that is as indelible as throwing up Sno-Cones on the scores of people below the ride you’re on. It’s a nice, safe, occasionally clean place to go with your family.
But unfortunately, it’s not safe from the mayhem of summer, either. At least if you go to Florida. Continue reading
God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates robots. Robots destroy man. It’s the shadow of a dark future looming over our heads. All the time we are building smarter and more automated machines, on top of this, we’re teaching them things about ourselves, so it stands to reason they will get tired or reading our whiny Facebook posts, snap, and kill us all.
One day, when our robot masters decide to write history e-books, they will show that the beginning of the end of mankind occurred during the 2014 Major League Baseball All-Star Game, of all places. There aren’t any robot baseball players, that would actually be kind of cool. Actually, it’s the dawn of the automated bartender.
Unsurprisingly, the end of humanity is brought to you by Bud Light. Continue reading
Why do we allow these things to keep happening to us? When are we going to stand up and say we’ve had enough of this abuse. I’m speaking, of course, about the newest Transformers movie.
It was back in 2006 when I first heard about Michael Bay working on a live-action movie about alien robots that change into vehicles to hide in plain sight. It was one of my favorite shows as a kid, but as the basis for a movie, it just sounds terrible. Yet it worked for the most part.
Eight years later, and things are so far gone it’s tough to remember that first one. Continue reading
In less than a week I’m getting married. As I mentioned last Friday, that means this is the last missive you’ll be getting from me for a bit, as I will be
drinking my ass off helping my fiancee put the finishing touches on our wedding, then spending a week drinking my ass off drinking my ass off on a tropical island.
I’m exhausted, I’m excited, but mostly I just want this all to be over with. Everyone knows that wedding planning is a lot of work and a fair amount of craziness, but I don’t think people really understand to what degree the insanity will reach.
You’re in luck, unmarried reader. I’m here to share with you the lessons I’ve learned along the way. Continue reading
One summer when I was in college, I figured out a way to game my local movie theater. I had a book of coupons worth more $1 more than the price of admission on certain days. The theater was actually paying me a $1 to go see movies, so I saw a lot. And it was generally a good time, because I was otherwise pretty bored and didn’t mind taking a chance on a movie because it was free.
I even saw one of the Fast and the Furious sequels voluntarily, and I’m a fan of acting and plot. I walked out of the theater shrugging my shoulders, rather than pissed off at myself for going to see it. I didn’t really have expectations about films back then.
I don’t feel that way now and haven’t for a long time. Maybe I just don’t like previews anymore. Continue reading
A decades-old American tradition came to an end last week, and if you’re of my generation, you may have never heard of its existence in the first place. The American last bar car on a commuter train made its final stop. From now on, if you’re riding the rails, you’re doing it sober, bub.
At the end of World War II, American soldiers were coming home, and a good many of them took trains. Luckily, trains all had bars on them back then, and if a returning war hero wanted to get crocked, who was to argue? These former servicemen carried on the tradition of drinking on trains as they went home from work, though probably it was just to maintain the buzz they’d had going since noon.
But now it’s all over. It’s a tragedy for the entire nation. Continue reading