We’re getting closer to the day when your microwave will need to have its own security system to keep hackers at bay. You’ve probably heard about the “internet of things” or “smart appliances.” In layman’s terms, it’s the idea that one day you can control everything in your house from a mobile device. Sounds kind of cool, right?
Put on your tin foil hats, everyone. (Also, where did you buy that tin foil? They sell aluminum foil now.) A few weeks ago, we started seeing reports that smart refrigerators and TVs were susceptible to cyberattacks, and some had even been found to be sending spam. Scary stuff, man.
But why isn’t anyone looking to upgrade our toilets? Continue reading
The Olympics are over, finally. Which means we don’t have to sit through ice dancing while waiting for men’s slopestyle snowboarding. Of course, it also means there’s no more men’s slopestyle snowboarding, but that’s not the point. We can get back to watching our normal shows instead of yawning through half of the sports that NBC deemed important enough to show us, all while making sure to profile an athlete who just so happened to have a commercial featuring him or her during the following commercial break.
We’re not going to remember anything really meaningful about the Sochi Olympics, nothing positive, anyway. We’ll remember the disastrous state of the hotels as athletes and media arrived, how dogs that roamed the city suddenly disappeared, Bob Costas’ eye infection, and perhaps we’ll think back fondly to that nightmarish opening ceremony, capped off with one ring not opening correctly. OK, we’ll also remember all those annoying P&G, McDonald’s, Coca-Cola and United Airlines.
So, how do we prevent this from happening again in four years? Continue reading
In case you missed the announcement last week, Derek Jeter is going to retire from baseball after this season. It makes sense. He’s been in Major League Baseball for two decades, broken all sorts of records and won countless awards, plus he’s starting to fall apart now. One more season, one more time out there on the field. Sounds romantic, right?
No, it’s terrible. Baseball players need to stop doing this. The 2014 season is now ruined for me, because it’s going to be one long goodbye for Jeter, who will act all, “Aw, shucks. Thanks guys,” at every single introduction for every in which game he’s healthy enough to take the field.
Why does baseball keep doing this? Continue reading
If you’re watching something on TV, there’s a strong chance that it doesn’t actually matter. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that the masses won’t have strong opinions about it, anyway. One example is the Super Bowl. It’s a game that pretty much only happens in the U.S., and even less relevant are the commercials that play during it. A couple years ago, Clint Eastwood told America to get off its ass (he later went on to talk to imaginary people). Michael Jordan and Larry Bird once played an epic game of horse. This year, Coca-Cola made Pepsi the drink of racists.
Even though I get obsessed with commercials, I was hoping to avoid writing about Super Bowl ads. Everyone with a keyboard writes about the good and bad ones with their own subjective rating scales. No one is convinced by what they read, they’ve already made up their minds. But a lot of people aired out their phobias on the internet last night, so here we are.
We learned last night that Peyton Manning may not be all that great after all, and that we’re supposed to sing songs in one language at a time. Continue reading
It’s cold outside, but for those of you who are shocked by this, it’s January. This is what winter used to feel like before
God decided to warm things up mankind collectively said, “To hell with the sea level, I want to get to work in my coal-powered SUV!” You’re miserable? That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
January is cold, dark, windy and mostly devoid of holidays to look forward to. If the months of the year were your family, January would be your harsh grandmother. Always judging with those cold, cold eyes, and her icy sister February with her at all times. (If you’re wondering, March would be your uncle who drinks too much and says inappropriate things to you.) It amazes me every year how it seems like so many people are experiencing winter for the first time.
Well I don’t want you to die, I need every reader I can get. So I brought you some tips on how to survive the cold. Continue reading
One of the worst things about our civilization is advertising. It’s been around pretty much as long as humanity has. It’s supposed to be eye-catching first and informative second, but today, it’s really just more annoying than anything. Perhaps because we see them over and over again.
I’m known for yelling at my TV, sober or not, because I don’t like being lied to and most commercials are terrible liars. The thing is, I don’t even realize I’m doing it sometimes. Critiquing commercials is apparently a weird hobby of mine, and since I’ve been watching a lot of football, I’ve seen a lot of the same crap commercials. They aren’t even Super Bowl commercials.
So here are the commercials that are annoying the crap out of me right now. Continue reading
I watched the Golden Globes last night. It’s out there now, no taking it back. What I can say is that it wasn’t really something intentional, it was just sort of, “Well, this is on. This ought to kill a little bit while I eat.” Then I couldn’t turn it off.
I’m not a fan of award shows, (and judging from their ratings in recent, neither are you) I just find the whole “industry patting itself on the back” thing is pretty trite. I may pay attention to who wins the bigger Oscars, but I certainly don’t mind missing it. In fact, I probably haven’t really been excited for an award show since the MTV Video Music Awards back when I was in high school, when the bassist from Rage Against the Machine could get arrested for climbing the stage scenery on live television.
So yes, it’s been quite a while. And yet, there I was last night on my couch, learning about what not to do when hosting a fancy event. Continue reading
We’ve made it through the holidays. Pat yourselves on the back, everyone. Not only because it’s a stressful time of year that forces you to spend time with people you can only tolerate, but because violent crime also increases during the holiday season. I’ve already made it known that I don’t trust Christmas, but I’d like to add that I don’t really trust New Year’s, either.
Sure, it’s a new year, and that’s fun. You get to write down a new number when you put a date on things, and your tombstone now will have a year no earlier than 2014. But is it really a new start? You’re in the same situation you were in back in December, and your options for changing that haven’t changed much either. Your slate isn’t wiped clean.
What we can look forward to in a new year is the new happenings. Fortunately, I can see the future, so I decided to let my faithful readers (both of them) in on what’s in store for 2014. Continue reading
There’s something I just don’t trust about Christmas. I enjoy the time off being with my family and getting presents as much as anyone else, but there’s still something that’s off about the holiday. Christmas is an industry, and it’s so massive that it takes over other holidays. Sounds pretty shady to me.
The Christmas industry creates fervor over the newest toys, which is fine. Kids are greedy little jerks anyway, holiday or no. But it also creates pop culture designed to make us all feel warm and snugly. When it does this well, the effect can be amazing. But when it fails, it comes off looking like a cheap money grab. Christmas songs are a prime example of this.
Christmas songs are just all-around creepy, even your favorite. Continue reading
A little over a week ago, we lost one of the greatest actors of our time. Paul Walker’s death reminds us all that our time here is short. To just about everyone, that means cramming as much entertainment into our lives as we can. That’s why, in just a few days, the public’s reaction to the news went from sadness to thoughts about the next Fast & Furious movie.
Sure, there were people who shared their thoughts about his work. There were articles published about how Walker did all sorts of charity work, but didn’t really want to advertise it. But when that silliness was over, people got down to what really mattered to them: What about the movie they were working on?
While no one can replace the acting talent of Walker, the franchise does need someone to take over as Brian O’Connor, the racer-turned-cop-turned-racer. Continue reading