After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!
You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.
So let’s take a look at some of the big issues out there. As I did two years ago, I’ll tell you which way you should vote tomorrow. Continue reading
In recent weeks, a large group of protesters has halted and called attention to the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline. The protest was started by Native Americans concerned about keeping the water clean and drinkable at the Standing Rock Reservation, which straddles North and South Dakota. It’s gotten to be such an issue that the Obama administration is seeking to review the approval of the project.
This topic hits pretty close to my day job, but you didn’t come here for an education or to hear about my politics and how they apply to this one issue. You’re here for the yuck-yucks, so we’re going to stick with that.
Checking in to Standing Rock is as dumb as posting one of those “this is my content” messages. Continue reading
Another week of the NFL is coming to a close, which means we have another round of reports and hot takes on the National Anthem, and who did and didn’t kneel in protest. On one side are supporters, who argue that 49ers backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick is right to use his stage to speak out against the injustice of police officers shooting unarmed black people, on the other are the people who say to not stand for the National Anthem is an insult against the troops/all cops everywhere/America/insert broad apolitical group used for political gain here.
Kaepernick’s protests have inspired others to join him, even in other sports. They have also brought down a lot of heat from talking heads on TV and police unions alike. Which lead to the Seattle Seahawks doing a “protest” so careful not to offend either side it had no purpose. The issue is far from resolved, and it seems like every week another controversial shooting makes headlines.
But whatever happens, Kaepernick has exposed one thing about America: no one really cares about the National Anthem. Continue reading
When my wife told me she thought she was pregnant, I told her it was probably just the Mexican food. I don’t believe she’ll ever let me live that down, so I may as well put it out there myself.
She’d been telling me about odd sensations for the past day or so, and I kept explaining it away. One time I suggested that the tacos we had the night before were the cause of the weird stuff going on in her body. The next day she took a test without telling me, then walked into the room and said, “Want to hear something crazy? I’m pregnant.”
Then she went out for a run. So I was left with the pregnancy test and some questions. A quick search online showed me that there wasn’t such a thing as a false positive, only a false negative. For days I’d been trying not to get excited over nothing, and now I could let the doubt go. I was going to be a father. I cried, I prayed, and I did my best to get myself together for when my wife got back from her run so I could finally share in her excitement.
They say it’s a journey you take together, but it’s not. It’s a journey that is experienced in two completely different ways by two people. For whatever arcane societal reason, it’s all about the mother from the beginning. She has all the support and all of the knowledge that has been passed down from woman to woman since the dawn of time. Guys don’t have that. We drink beer with other guys and grunt acknowledgingly at each other, because no one wants to make it awkward by mentioning feelings. It’s just how we’ve done it since the Stone Age, and it’s served humanity pretty well, I’d say. But it meant I had to figure most of this out on my own. Continue reading
For as long as there has been a United States of America, there has been a Canada sitting on top of it. Except for that time when there were two Canadas. I think there was a War Between the Provinces or something, I’m not up on Canadian history. But Canada has been there for a really, really long time.
It’s been there in our time of need. The Canadians were there to supply us with booze when Americans decided that we should all stop drinking for some reason. It has also given us some great comedians and mostly crappy musicians, all while letting us film our movies and TV shows there for tax purposes.
So it seems natural that we would see it as a place of refuge today. But you really need to stop that nonsense. You’re not moving to Canada. Continue reading
Another Super Bowl has come and gone, and man, were there some bad commercials this year. One honorable mention has to go to Bud Light, Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen for hyping their ad for weeks and then not really delivering much of anything. Nice going, guys. The other, everything Doritos did for the game, and pretty much any ad it’s done in the past decade.
I managed to avoid watching the commercials ahead of time, not because I wanted to have a clear head to write this or anything, I just wanted to be able to repreatedly shush an entire room of people multiple times in one night. And it paid off. Also, the fact that these ads are online before the Super Bowl even arrives makes it seem like we should stop caring about commercials during the game of all games.
So let’s run down my worst commercials of Super Bowl 50. Continue reading
I was going to start off this year with a column about things that are certain to happen. I had some pretty good ideas, too. But then some white dudes in Oregon decided to play fort over the weekend. So I’ll write about that instead. It’s what everyone seems to be talking about, and without publishing my predictions, I can say I totally called something without the hassle of backing it up. So when Donald Trump flames out in the primaries this year, I totally called it, bro.
We’re not even a week into 2016, and we’ve already got a fun news story to distract us from crappy news from overseas. It’s also something that your friends on Facebook can get upset about, because that’s all people use it for these days, and there hasn’t been much news out there lately.
This protest is the greatest thing to happen this year. And here’s why. Continue reading
When I was in sixth grade, my friend Michael explained to me that there were supposed to be more than just three Star Wars movies. His uncle worked at Industrial Lights and Magic, and was involved in the animation of the light sabers and blasters. He explained that the reason the original (and then, the only) trilogy had episode titles was that George Lucas had a master plan for trilogies to take place before and after the movies we knew.
Less than a decade later, the world had three new Star Wars films to enjoy. They weren’t worth the wait, but that didn’t stop fans from keeping up their appetites for more. When The Phantom Menace was released, everyone hoped the next one would be better, then they hoped the third one would be the prequel they had dreamed of. It didn’t happen that way.
Perhaps it’s time we stop getting so excited about Star Wars. Continue reading
Halloween has come and gone, and if you’re friends with Rick Snee or Bryan Schools on Facebook, you are well aware that it’s Movember. Yes, it’s that month where some of us pretend that mustaches are cool so we can raise awareness about … something involving dudes and health. It used to be man cancers, and now it seems like various things that affect men’s health.
I’m a dude, so dude health is way up there on my list of priorities. So I guess I have to be on the side of this vague cause. And if you know a guy and are concerned about his health, you should support it, too.
The problem is that groups like the NFL use it to just make a quick buck. Continue reading
Today is election day in Canada. Our friends are going to the polls today to decide who is going to run their country. But who cares about Canada? We’re just 13 months away from the U.S. presidential election, so let’s focus on that instead.
If your Facebook feed is any indication, it’s primary season, and that’s super important. We as Americans get the rare treat of directly choosing who will head the executive branch of our federal government for a period of four years. On top of that, the current guy isn’t eligible for another term, which means that both parties are trying to figure out who to run. It’s double the excitement, and it’s doubly important we get involved in the process. After all, our country’s future is at stake.
Except it really isn’t important right now. Continue reading