With ads for formal wear and spots about the consequences of drinking and driving, it can only mean that prom season is here once again. Yes, that beloved ritual of looking good but not being allowed to do anything about it is upon the high-schoolers of our great nation. Very soon, parents will be spending way too much for their daughters’ dresses, and boys will send Axe body spray stock prices through the roof.
It’s awkward, it’s gaudy and it tends to go viral several times over lately. I’m here today to put on my old man hat (which is not turned backwards) to discuss what prom is today, as I understand it, and why it makes no damn sense to me.
So come on kids, you won’t get this dressed up again until your next failed job interview. Continue reading
Not so many years ago, there were all sorts of good shows on network TV. There were some flops here and there, but for the most part, there were a lot of shows still well-known today. That hasn’t been the case for a long time, and it probably won’t happen again.
Tonight, How I Met Your Mother comes to an end. Its passing will probably be an emotional one for those who have followed the show for its nine seasons, because they have watched the characters go through a lot of things, and not all of them seemingly relevant in the end. For me it marks the end of really any network shows that are worth the time.
The show worked so well because deep down, it was super creepy. Continue reading
In the U.S., we tend to think of the British as uptight or overly formal, which may not be entirely accurate. It’s not our fault, they don’t really send us the best examples of their culture, even though we ceded PBS to them. If they’re not doing something magical, or being incredibly charming in a shy way, they are looking down at us for showing emotion or not having an unspoken caste system.
Sure, they gave us one of the greatest bands of all time (the Spice Girls), but aside from that, we just don’t see the passion in their culture. This could be why we see them as being generally cold or aloof to each other.
Yet paradoxically, some of them check Facebook while (whilst, for our outraged British readers) having sex. Continue reading
If you’re into drinking on Mondays, today is a big day for you. Once again we’ve reached St. Patrick’s Day, the one day anyone wears green, in honor of a Scotsman who invaded a country, saw there were no snakes, and claimed to have driven them out himself.
In Ireland, so I am told, today isn’t really a big deal. Sure, it’s cause for celebration, but the pubs used to be closed for the day until the 1970s because it’s a Catholic feast day. So really, the Irish go out and drink, but they don’t get as crazy as we do here in America.
Then again, maybe they can just hold their booze better. Continue reading
It appears that the U.S. Supreme Court fancies boobs. It seems a bit early in the year for the highest court in the land to start making hnews, but there you have it. I mean, we all knew that Justice Clarence Thomas was big on the ladies, and it certainly makes sense that the lady justices would be in support of women, but still.
You don’t know what I’m talking about? The Supreme Court decided not to hear the “I (heart) boobies” wristband case, which probably would have resulted in the greatest headlines in the court’s history. That means that the federal appeals court’s ruling that such bracelets are OK for students to wear will stance.
The ever-intrepid yours truly has been following this case for over three years. Here’s some more about breasts. Continue reading
We’re getting closer to the day when your microwave will need to have its own security system to keep hackers at bay. You’ve probably heard about the “internet of things” or “smart appliances.” In layman’s terms, it’s the idea that one day you can control everything in your house from a mobile device. Sounds kind of cool, right?
Put on your tin foil hats, everyone. (Also, where did you buy that tin foil? They sell aluminum foil now.) A few weeks ago, we started seeing reports that smart refrigerators and TVs were susceptible to cyberattacks, and some had even been found to be sending spam. Scary stuff, man.
But why isn’t anyone looking to upgrade our toilets? Continue reading
The Olympics are over, finally. Which means we don’t have to sit through ice dancing while waiting for men’s slopestyle snowboarding. Of course, it also means there’s no more men’s slopestyle snowboarding, but that’s not the point. We can get back to watching our normal shows instead of yawning through half of the sports that NBC deemed important enough to show us, all while making sure to profile an athlete who just so happened to have a commercial featuring him or her during the following commercial break.
We’re not going to remember anything really meaningful about the Sochi Olympics, nothing positive, anyway. We’ll remember the disastrous state of the hotels as athletes and media arrived, how dogs that roamed the city suddenly disappeared, Bob Costas’ eye infection, and perhaps we’ll think back fondly to that nightmarish opening ceremony, capped off with one ring not opening correctly. OK, we’ll also remember all those annoying P&G, McDonald’s, Coca-Cola and United Airlines.
So, how do we prevent this from happening again in four years? Continue reading
In case you missed the announcement last week, Derek Jeter is going to retire from baseball after this season. It makes sense. He’s been in Major League Baseball for two decades, broken all sorts of records and won countless awards, plus he’s starting to fall apart now. One more season, one more time out there on the field. Sounds romantic, right?
No, it’s terrible. Baseball players need to stop doing this. The 2014 season is now ruined for me, because it’s going to be one long goodbye for Jeter, who will act all, “Aw, shucks. Thanks guys,” at every single introduction for every in which game he’s healthy enough to take the field.
Why does baseball keep doing this? Continue reading
If you’re watching something on TV, there’s a strong chance that it doesn’t actually matter. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that the masses won’t have strong opinions about it, anyway. One example is the Super Bowl. It’s a game that pretty much only happens in the U.S., and even less relevant are the commercials that play during it. A couple years ago, Clint Eastwood told America to get off its ass (he later went on to talk to imaginary people). Michael Jordan and Larry Bird once played an epic game of horse. This year, Coca-Cola made Pepsi the drink of racists.
Even though I get obsessed with commercials, I was hoping to avoid writing about Super Bowl ads. Everyone with a keyboard writes about the good and bad ones with their own subjective rating scales. No one is convinced by what they read, they’ve already made up their minds. But a lot of people aired out their phobias on the internet last night, so here we are.
We learned last night that Peyton Manning may not be all that great after all, and that we’re supposed to sing songs in one language at a time. Continue reading
It’s cold outside, but for those of you who are shocked by this, it’s January. This is what winter used to feel like before
God decided to warm things up mankind collectively said, “To hell with the sea level, I want to get to work in my coal-powered SUV!” You’re miserable? That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
January is cold, dark, windy and mostly devoid of holidays to look forward to. If the months of the year were your family, January would be your harsh grandmother. Always judging with those cold, cold eyes, and her icy sister February with her at all times. (If you’re wondering, March would be your uncle who drinks too much and says inappropriate things to you.) It amazes me every year how it seems like so many people are experiencing winter for the first time.
Well I don’t want you to die, I need every reader I can get. So I brought you some tips on how to survive the cold. Continue reading