Signs of the intellectual apocalypse appear in pairs

If you see this on someone's head or false testicles hanging from their truck, administer CPR immediately: their brain is dangerously devoid of oxygen.
If you see this on someone’s head or false testicles hanging from their truck, administer CPR immediately: their brain is dangerously devoid of oxygen.

Friends of the site know that The Guys all met at Radford University, a school you’ve never heard of unless you went there, knew someone who stole a cop car during QuadFest or heard that Donald Trump would be speaking there today.

That last development had a lot of alumni on edge … until we found out that many Highlanders stepped up and disrupted Trump’s “speech” every few minutes. (The idea of students shouting down political speech might disturb some of you, but they did not interrupt anything of substance. For instance, the proposition that not only will the Mexicans build our southern border wall for us, but that it will be “1,000 miles” long and “even higher than China’s.”)

Civil disobedience aside, the Real Story in that link is what Trump supporters said to the media and wore:

‘I don’t need a politician to have perfect hair, I need him to have balls,’ said Tamara Neo, the former Buchanan County commonwealth’s attorney.


‘Fire the Idiots, Help the Vets’ read the front of one popular T-shirt. On the back, ‘DONALD TRUMP: FINALLY SOMEONE WITH BALLS.’

[Emphasis ours.]

It’s official: Donald Trump is the TruckNutz™ of presidential candidates.

See nothing, say something

This insidious Muslim device could go off at any moment and play Bruno Mars. Harmless?
This insidious Muslim device could go off at any moment and play Bruno Mars. “Harmless?”

You would think that teachers in Texas, home of Texas Instruments, would know what a science project looks like versus, say, oh … a bomb. And yet 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed was taken out of school by police in handcuffs on Monday after teachers reported his rebuilt digital clock as a potential bomb. And just to make sure he really learned his lesson (something along the lines of why Muslims in America might go radical), he was reportedly suspended as well.

So, yes, the school predicatably overreacted and potentially based on prejudice. But, that’s not the most concerning part. The Real Story takes place when things went bad for Mohamed: in English class.

He kept the clock inside his school bag in English class, but the teacher complained when the alarm beeped in the middle of a lesson. Ahmed brought his invention up to show her afterward.

‘She was like, it looks like a bomb,’ he said.

‘I told her, “It doesn’t look like a bomb to me.”’

The teacher kept the clock. When the principal and a police officer pulled Ahmed out of sixth period, he suspected he wouldn’t get it back.

Wait … what?! She wasted time arguing that the digital clock that had disturbed class by acting like a clock was a bomb, and then kept what she thought was a bomb? In the school?! And the kid gets suspended?

If this is what it looks like when the faculty of MacArther High goes out of its way to handcuff a brown kid, we’d hate to see what happens if they ever face a real emergency.

What can brown rice do for you?

Angry or depressed? Lay off the Wonder Bread and eat something multigrain, you doof.
Angry or depressed? Lay off the Wonder Bread and eat something multigrain, you doof.

The Guys read the news every day. We’re such old hands at it that we sometimes recognize when a story misses the point, usually buried in the third paragraph or so. So, while white bread and white rice may make you depressed (because, damn, that food is bleak), “greater consumption of dietary fibre, whole grains, vegetables and fresh fruits is associated with decreased depression risk.” (OK, paragraph two.)

Fiber? Whole grains? Fruit and vegetables? It’s not eating that makes you feel better: it’s pooping.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re gonna go improve our mood with a session of Angry Turds.

Ikea sends next disaster to Philippines

Every so often, the entire media focuses on one aspect of a story, only to miss the real story hidden in their report. When that happens, The Guys point out The Real Story.

Let's just say Ikea knows what Filipinos are going to spend their Ikea money on.
Let’s just say Ikea knows what Filipinos are going to spend their Ikea money on.

China, fresh from their row with America’s fourth-most-famous current late night talk show host, is back in the media spotlight, this time for only pledging $100,000 in aid to the Philippines, and then only raising that amount to $1.6 million after the island nation was struck by earthquakes and Typhoon Haiyan. But, the real story is who outbid them:

China’s pledge, which it boosted after getting flack for its original offer of $100,000, is a fraction of the amounts pledged by other countries in the region and much farther away, including the USA, which pledged $20 million. Australia promised $30 million. The United Kingdom offered $16 million. Japan and United Arab Emirates each pledged $10 million. Ikea is sending $2.7 million, according to Unicef.

Yes, Ikea is sending aid to the Phillipines. The only problem is that, once it arrives, the Filipinos will have to put that aid together themselves. So, get ready for the next disaster to hit the archipelago: rising divorce rates and dangerously unsteady malms.

Get ready for a boom in spit cosmetics

Scientists have discovered a process that enables them to guess people’s age within five years based on their saliva. This method could revolutionize forensics because now criminologists won’t have to saw the bodies in half and count the rings.

But, the real story is one that was briefly mentioned and that we’re still waiting for: what the researchers were doing when they figured this out.

“[Dr. Eric] Vilain and his team, whose findings are reported in the online edition of the Public Library of Science One journal, made the discovery while studying 34 pairs of identical male twins with different sexual orientations[emphasis ours].

Now that’s how you tease for grants and donors.

The Real Story: ‘Person-years’

Sometimes, everything you need to know in a story is right there in the first sentence. Sometimes, its buried further down. And, sometimes, its buried so deep that the story itself is about something else entirely. That’s where “The Real Story” comes in.

According to Time, the story is that China has started distributing free antiretroviral treatments to 63 percent of those in their population who are  infected with HIV. The other 37 percent? Not so much, because they got pre-AIDS from sex or drug use.

In order for this item to be news, this would mean believing that the Chinese government can do anything without at least one evil element.

No, the real story here is how the worldwide medical community rates the effectiveness of antiretroviral treatment: in “person-years,” or “an estimate of the number of years that would have been lost due to early death from AIDS.”

We’re sorry. Your dog may be 12 in “dog years,” but in “person-years?” Barkplug has AIDS.

Between the Rock and a hard drink

UCLA archaeologists uncovered the world’s oldest winery, stretching humanity’s history with crunk juice all the way back to 4000 BC now. The ancient Armenian wine was believed to be used for funerals, usually held daily between 5 and 8 pm. It is believed to have evolved into “Happy Hour” once hygiene was invented.

But, that’s not the real story.

Every so often, the real story gets buried in the later paragraphs. Say, story, what was the oldest use of grape seeds before this discovery?

“The oldest previous evidence of grape seeds and other organic materials dates to around 3150 BC and was found in the tomb of the Egyptian king Scorpion I.”

That’s right: there really was a Scorpion King. And here we thought that was the most ridiculous of all the Mummy films.

The Real Story: Earmarks possibly banned via earmark

No, the headline above is not a LOL; it’s purely observation of a phenomenon witnessed only in Washington D.C. and Mr. Magoo’s torture cellar:  clueless execution. And, as Sen. Tom Coburn, R-Okla. hoped, the Associated Press missed it in the midst of their story about an FDA bill.

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev. got an agreement to move the legislation by allowing Republicans to offer amendments not relevant to the bill. […] Coburn is expected to offer an amendment to place a moratorium on spending for ‘earmarks,’ or pet projects in lawmakers’ states and districts[.]”

Alright, technically, it’s not an earmark. But it sure ain’t a straightforward bill, neither.

The Real Story: Putin’s mug

When it comes to modern leadership, there aren’t a lot of charismatic characters.

You get the wannabes like Kim Jong Il, who think parades and sorority girl sunglasses make them colorful and interesting. There are the merely entertaining like Sarah Palin, the Snooki of politics who doesn’t lead anything and thinks any attention is good attention. And let’s not forget the many boring 6-to-9ers that think attendance is a real achievement.

But then there’s Vladimir Putin.

Vlad’s in the news for what appear to be covered-up bruises on his cheeks. The press wants to know what exactly he’s rouging up, and the latest theory is plastic surgery.

Yet, they once again missed the real story, right there in the image caption:

Where is this story?! We heard he shot one, but tiger wrestling? That’s gotta be illegal somewhere!

The Real Story: Botox users already dead inside

While the news media may report on a story, sometimes they miss the actual story in their own reports.

Today’s case: People who receive botox injections famously have difficulty moving their faces or expressing emotion after treatment. But, according to a new study, the recipients may also experience difficulty feeling emotions as well.

The test subjects reported “less emotional response to some emotional video clips, and as a result, did not feel their emotions quite as deeply as their counterparts who received treatment with a wrinkle filler called Restylane.” Oh, my!

The Nugget:
“That said, those who received Botox reacted to the same to video clips after their injection as they did before they received the injections.” [Emphasis ours.]

So, despite this admission in the article itself, it still maintained a “botox may kill emotions” standpoint when the results were no different before and after injections. The real story here isn’t that botox kill emotions, but that people who get botox treatments may be emotionally shallow or even dead inside already.