Armed teachers already have a 100 percent success rate in eliminating threats

Here's one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in their head.
Here’s one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in her head.

Good news, RAM members and other Bandoleered-Americans: Idaho and Utah’s new laws that allow teachers with conceal-carry permits to bring their weapons to school are working! In only two weeks since Labor Day, a teacher in each state was able to successfully fend off a gunman with their own guns in their schools.

A chemistry teacher at Idaho State University shot an armed person in his classroom. And it was a good thing, too, because the classroom was full.

And in Utah, a teacher managed to shoot an armed person while in the bathroom before that person could reach the classroom with her weapon.

And that’s the beauty of the NRA’s “the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” position: knowing a good armed person from a bad one can be complicated. But you don’t need to know who’s the good guy and bad guy if they’re both the same person.

(If you didn’t click the links, they shot themselves.)

Oh, the places you’ll shoot!

Note to the libertarian organizers of the Toy Gun March: you made this connection for us.
Note to the libertarian organizers of the Toy Gun March: you made this connection for us.

As we reported earlier, the NRA and other gun lobbying groups are getting very serious about toy guns. And now one group is* taking their toys to the streets of our nation’s capital in a march to protest gun control measures in schools, including those against toy guns, Pop-Tarts shaped like guns and gun-related t-shirts.

So, if you live in or plan to visit Washington, D.C. on the July 4th weekend, brace yourself for a lot of whining from participants about their toy guns being taken away. Oh, and from their kids, too.

*Editing Note: In the original post, we lumped the libertarian group behind the Toy Gun March in with the NRA and other gun lobbyists. The group stated in our comments that they are affiliated with neither.

The right to keep and bear pastries

In the school's defense, there's more research on how many people Pop-Tarts (gun-shaped and otherwise) have killed than guns.
In the school’s defense, there’s more research on how many people who Pop-Tarts (gun-shaped and otherwise) have killed than guns.

If you thought things couldn’t get stupider in The Case of the Boy with the Pop-Tart Gun, don’t worry. The NRA and a Republican state delegate have it covered.

8-year-old Josh Welsh was suspended from Park Elementary School in Anne Arundel County, Maryland, after taking bites out of his Pop-Tart until it resembled the shape of a gun. The shape violated the school’s zero tolerance policy against guns and judgement, so Josh had to go.

Josh’s lawyer has appealed the suspension in court, presenting pictures of the states of Idaho and Florida that the school uses that, in his estimation, look more like guns than Josh’s breakfast pastry remains. (Fun fact: eleven of twelve jurors also believe that each state looks more like a penis than Josh’s Pop-Tart.)

And now, Maryland Delegate Nicholaus Kipke has ponied up $550 to buy Josh a lifetime Junior Membership in the NRA. Kipke believes that the membership will be good for Josh since, as neither he nor his parents own a gun, it’s up to Wayne LaPierre to teach him how to safely and properly handle his breakfast.

Fortunately, we can focus on this case rather than do anything meaningful about actual gun violence.

So long as criminals aren’t hording ammo, this will work

"Here you go, son. You know, I used to wet the bed, too. Now I wet the ammo I keep stashed in my mattress."
“Here you go, son. You know, I used to wet the bed, too. Now I wet the ammo I keep stashed in my mattress.”

In the wake of not a single meaningful legislative change being made in the wake of several gun massacres in 2012, it looks like the government just can’t do anything to prevent gun violence.

Fortunately, that’s where ordinary citizens step in. Virginia gun shops and their suppliers have been unable to keep ammunition on the shelves for the past five months. Since the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, customers have bought up every bullet, especially those for handguns and light rifles like the 9 mm, .38 and .22 caliber. Even shipments that once arrived in cases now come by the box because manufacturers can’t keep up with demand.

So, there you go: there’s nothing left for the criminals to buy, and what is left is more expensive than a couple of armed robberies will cover. It turns out that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun … is a scared guy with all the bad guy’s ammo.

Take it from Snee: Where the NRA dares not tread

Guys, as you probably noticed on Facebook, there isn’t a Take it from Snee this week. That’s because I’m too busy working on this week’s issue of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia.

And, let me tell you, this has not been an easy one to put together. People seem to be really on our case after Friday’s tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. As you’ve noticed, we and the NRA have been quiet this week, and for good reason: we don’t have to say a word. Our members will do it for us. It’s called viral marketing, and they have caught Second Amendment Fever!

Just, you know, not "school shooting" deadly. Also, special special thanks to Bill for loaning us his living room for the afternoon.
Just, you know, not “school shooting” deadly. (Special special thanks to Bill for loaning us his living room for the afternoon.)

So, as the nation mourns (again), RAM has nothing to say except that this was a terrible tragedy, and words cannot express how pained we are. Nor can we offer any insight into the actions on that terrible day … but here’s what some ordinary, normal folks (*wink*) have said for us on Facebook and Twitter.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Where the NRA dares not tread

Colorado University: ‘Ask about our smoking [barrel] dorms’

As August winds down, it’s time for college students to return to their studies. And students returning to Colorado University will each face the mother of all decisions when moving into dorms: smoking? Or non-smoking? Not cigarettes, mind you, but barrels.

After losing an appeals case in the Colorado State Supreme Court, CU must now allow concealed weapons permit-holding students to live in campus housing. In response, they have set aside family housing units in Boulder and upperclassmen dorms in Colorado Springs for those who can’t bear to sign their arms away in campus police lockers.

James Manley, the attorney who represented the student guns-rights group in court (and most appropriately named proponent of holstered penises everywhere), will be examining this segregated living arrangement along with restrictions forbidding them from taking their weapons into non-smoking dorms and ticketed sprting and cultural events on campus. Student life-rights activists have countered, arguing that all gunshot victims are technically secondhand gunsmoke victims.

Take it from Snee: Theater shooting spree a tragedy

As an Internet comedy writer, it’s my job to be funny. Unfortunately, I just can’t do that this week because some … not gonna mince words here … jerk shot and killed at least a dozen people and wounded even more at a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises last week.

It’s a tragedy, which means that some topics are not appropriate to discuss, like gun control. And they won’t be appropriate to talk about again until the next shooting spree, which means they’ll be in poor taste again.

You see, it’s time we stand up as a nation and rally around the real victims here: the National Rifle Association and other Second Amendment activists. That’s right: it’s time for another non-joking meeting of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Theater shooting spree a tragedy

You get one free maiming like your driving test, right?

Speaking of women getting shot in the legs, another one took a bullet at — of all places — a gun safety course in Virginia. The instructor told police that he had just left the room when he heard a gunshot. One of the students had shot his wife in the leg, but made it look more like an accident by sending the bullet through his own leg first.

It appears that gun owners are taking the open War on Women a little too seriously. If only women would learn that we’re like mama bears, and you don’t get between us and our ammo cubs.

Guns don’t just make your penis look larger

As we’ve already learned today, beer makes you smarter. But, you know what will make you look taller and more muscular, too? Holding a gun.

According to research from UCLA’s Center for Behavior, Evolution and Culture, people shown pictures of hands holding guns are more likely to overestimate the height and muscularity of the man holding it by an entire two inches. Meanwhile, hands holding caulk guns and power drills were seen as merely compensatory (hand tools being the Ferraris of the man accoutrement world)  and subtracted inches.

So, pull your piece in public. And, thanks to more states allowing guns in bars, you can show off your juggling skills with your gun, beer and trivia buzzer. (They laughed at you for going to Clown College, but who’s laughing now? Nobody, you big man, you.)

Who says those who teach can’t (do stupid things)?

In many states, gun owners looking to earn their concealed carry permit must prove to a licensed agent that they are mentally sound and capable of making prudent decisions. What that constitutes, however, is not always clear.

Fortunately, Mason, Texas gun shop owner, Crockett Keller has chosen to demonstrate exactly what isn’t competent decision-making.

In a recent radio ad, Keller announced an upcoming concealed carry course and that “Socialist liberals,” Barack Obama voters and “non-Christian Arabs or Muslims” would not not be permitted to attend. The latter two exemptions are, of course, in violation of the Texas Department of Public Safety licensing policy:

“Conduct by an instructor that denied service to individuals on the basis of race, ethnicity, or religion would place that instructor’s certification at risk.”

We’d like to congratulate Mr. Keller for not only providing a rock-solid example of what kind of people probably shouldn’t carry concealed handguns, but for proving that old adage wrong: Those who teach can do (stupid things.)