Aliens come to Earth to mess with S.C. politics

An alien race is threatening to invade if a South Carolina congressional candidate is barred from the first GOP debate. Just when we thought nothing political could shock us anymore.

Dimitri Cherny switched from Democrat to Republican in his bid for one of South Carolina’s seats in the House, but local Republican party organizers won’t let him be a part of the primary’s first debate. That’s when an alien named Hajdut Terheqeze, who kind of looks like Cherny if he had a weird cone head and huge goggles, took to Cherny’s Instagram to threaten Charleston County GOP Chairman Larry Kobrovsky with arrest, branding him an “intergalactic criminal.”

Terheqeze said his ship was in orbit, and his video seemed to show the USS Enterprise and the crew of the original series. If so, interfering with the politics of an uncontacted planet seems a clear violation of the prime directive.

Science: Maybe squid, octopi came from space

Yet another prediction from “The Simpsons” come true.

There are a lot of weird looking animals on this planet. Sometimes we even say they look like aliens. It’s possible we’ve been right the whole time.

According to a study published in a peer-reviewed journal, squid and octopi may have come from outer space. Octopi have the ability to edit their own RNA, which is an ability not found in any other branch of the animal kingdom. Given that recent studies have found that it is possible for organic molecules to exist in space, researchers argue that life may have come from other worlds. They argue that the scientific community can not rule out that squid or octopus eggs, or even the animals themselves, came to Earth millions and millions of years ago this way.

Science just backed up Prometheus.

Finally, a leader opens up about the impending alien invasion

The U.S. political climate has its issues, but we’re doing great compared to Russia. Fortunately, one Russian woman has taken it upon herself to form a new party to save her country.

For example, Svetlana Peunova knows that lizard aliens from the planet Nibiru will attack mankind. On top of that, the secret world government has forced Russia to eat genetically modified food that will make everyone sterile. That’s why she formed her own political party recently.

Perhaps now we’ll see something get done in Moscow!

There’s a new neighbor in space’s cul-de-sac

Alpha Centauri. It’s a galaxy that space nerds named. We don’t exactly know where it is or how many smelly French people live in it, but we do know it exists.

As of this week, we also know that there is a planet in it. SPACE SCIENCE!

As it is, this is pretty big news, discovery-wise, but science fiction nerds around the internet are blowing their lids. Why? Because Alpha Centauri is a fairly significant universe when it comes to science fiction, whether it’s giant transforming robots or a galactic federation composed of pointy-eared people with crew cuts.

Now, does the newly discovered planet, known as eso1241 (real creative, science), actually have any life? Who knows, but if so, I’m sure we’ll be able to subjugate it.

Take it from Snee: NASA’s newest mission for relevancy

In 2008, NASA beamed a recording of The Beatles’ “Across the Universe” into space. Four years, a severely cut budget and no response later, they’ve taken a new tack: assaulting Mars with And make no mistake: a sonic bombardment of auto-tuned Black-Eyed Pea is just that, an assault, perhaps meant to drive lifeforms out of hiding so they’ll try to turn the stereo off. Or even just pound on the ceilings of their subterranean lairs with a broom handle. Any reaction that gives them away will do, really.

So, how did we arrive at this point, where America’s space agency has mohawks and Mars rovers with twitter accounts? With the end of manned space missions, NASA has embraced a new goal: cultural relevancy.

You can’t blame them. When 46 percent — nearly half — of Americans believe in strictly creationism and a sitting member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology doesn’t know how rape works (and yet has an opinion about it), it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that nobody cares about space exploration unless we find God a la Star Trek V.

Good for you, NASA. You cracked the code to making the news cycles and, maybe one day, more money. But, where do you go from here? I’m glad you asked …  Continue reading Take it from Snee: NASA’s newest mission for relevancy

Mars Attacked!

It is with joyful elation that we bring you this news from the recently opened front in the War on Aliens: Mars! The Curiosity rover has just vaporized the first rock in what will prove to be the premptive attack that saved our world.

For too long, Mars has haunted our collective imagination, invading us in books and movies over and over again. But, now that we have perfected laser cannons and rocket cranes, we have finally caught up with our dangerous, imaginary foes and will destroy any trace of them should they assume a bacterial form on softball-sized rocks.

Eat our lasers, Red Menace!

X to the whatever power

Planet X has been newly discovered. Again.

New evidence has been discovered that theorizes that a previously unseen planet may skirt around the edges of our galaxy. The hypothetical planet is estimated at being four times the size of Earth and pulls small bits of ice and frozen objects with its gravity.

While this is nice and all, haven’t we already gotten a Planet X more than a couple times by now? In fact, isn’t it nearly a yearly event? I’m tired of Planet X. Either name it something other than Planet X (my suggestion is Tony), declare it a real planet or don’t bother me with the news. The option is yours space nerds.

Air Force succumbs to Skynet persuasion, dooms us all

Most people think that the military would be our last line of defense. Be careful with that line of thinking-it could end us.

The United States Air Force has sent the X-37B, a secret unmanned space plane into the great beyond. Its mission? That’s classified (we can only hope that it was zapping ET), but apparently it was a raging success. What won’t be a success is when the space plane kills us all.

Oh sure, Chris is just ranting and raving his wild theories again, right? Well then, tell me this college boy: what’s to stop the space plane when it does gain a murderous and brutal sentience? What’s that, no answer? I’ll tell you what’s to stop it: us.

Someone, get me my off-button gloves.

Beware of sea aliens

Just past a year following the earthquake and tsunami that wrecked Tohoku, one of the largest single pieces of debris from the disaster has crossed the ocean, a full-sized commercial fishing trawler. The derelict was sighted about 50 miles off the coast of Canada’s British Columbia province, near the Haida Gwaii islands. Spotter planes found the ship floating upright, intact and seemingly seaworthy but for the extensive rust covering the hull. There were no signs of life aboard the vessel.

Human life, that is.

Contrary to popular belief, the patch itself isn’t “solid enough to walk on”. Much of the debris is submerged and almost invisible. Having watched tons and tons of movies over the course of my life, I have the utmost belief that there is some kind of hidden alien or monster in that vessel, secretly waiting for silly humans to attempt to stumble onto it. Or, the ship has become a lure for some giant angler fish-esque leviathan.

The only safe course of action to do is burn the water. Twice. Just in case.

Aliens like Ike

Did you know that Dwight Eisenhower had a secret meeting with aliens while he was in office? A former aide said he did.

Timothy Good, an author and lecturer, said that Eisenhower and FBI officials set up the meeting through psychic messages, and eventually met at Holloman Air Force Base in New Mexico. On top of that, he said that many governments around the world have had contact with aliens for decades. Remember, this guy is apparently an academic, so he must be telling the truth.

If this guy isn’t just making it all up, we have some serious questions for world leaders. For example, if we have contact with aliens, why haven’t we killed them all by now?