Category: War on Aliens

| Filed under War on Aliens

Pa. town wants man to take down his anti-alien lights

There is a secret war being waged every day. We don’t hear about it much because it’s fought in the shadows of night, and the government doesn’t want us to know about it. One Pennsylvania man isn’t about to let War on Aliens get swept under the rug.

Arthur Brown, 78, put up bright spotlights all over the exterior of his house to keep aliens away. His neighbors have complained, and the town has fined him, most likely because they are become aliens, too. One of his neighbors is upset because it’s been going on for more than a decade, and she can’t sell her house because of it. Now, the town is asking Brown to limit the amount of time the spotlights run.

But what they don’t understand is that those lights are working. Zero aliens have shown up since Brown put the lights up. He should be counted a hero.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Aliens

We’re going to be invaded by space bears, math says

If aliens are out there, they are probably bear-sized, according to math.

Mathematicians somewhere have said that their calculations show that alien life forms are most likely to be the size of a bear, and the likelihood decreases with the size, from there. Also, they’ll probably weigh about 700 pounds.

These conclusions are based on Bayes’ theorem, which we know as a reader of this site you’re familiar with.

| Filed under War on Aliens

Slides show mummy of human child piloted Roswell UFO

We now have the strongest evidence yet that aliens and mummies are working together.

Last week, “researchers” unveiled found photos of an alien corpse that was related to the 1947 Roswell incident. The UFO community was shocked at such hard evidence, confirming what they had all believed for so long: that we are not alone, and that the government has known about the existence of extraterrestrial life for the better part of a century. Then it turned out to be a picture of a mummy of a human child.

But does that really disprove anything? Perhaps the aliens put mummies on Earth to throw us off the case. Can so-called “science” prove that isn’t true? We didn’t think so.

| Filed under War on Aliens

Did aliens set forest fire to distract us?

For a few hours on Tuesday, no one was listening.

California is suffering a serious drought and forest fires all throughout its territory, or as they call it out there, “summer.” Today, it doesn’t seem outside the realm of possibility that at least one of those fires was set by an alien race. The SETI Institute had to shut down its Allen Telescope Array for a matter of hours because a wildfire was sweeping ever closer. In case you’re wondering, yes, SETI is that weird group that listens for communications from outer space.

Did aliens accidentally send us a nude photo and then cover it up by forcing us to turn off our equipment when the signal reached us? If you watch the History Channel on Friday nights, you know that sounds completely plausible and believe there’s enough evidence to draw such a conclusion.

| Filed under War on Aliens

Indian finance minister probed over UFO hobby

Oh, sure. It’s OK to believe in invisible hands guiding markets and the imaginary value of numbers, but flying saucers is a bridge too far.

We’ve said it before, but let us say it again: macroeconomics and the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life visiting our planet do not mix.

And yet this old adage didn’t stop Indian finance minister, Arun Jaitley, from interrupting his usual Facebook posts about the current state and future of India’s rail fares and fuel prices with a quick celebration of World UFO Day.

The truth was only out there briefly before fans of the page took Minister Jaitley to task, and his staff removed the post.

Who would have thought that armchair economists prefer their stuffy Internet- browsing devoid of interest? (We did.)

| Filed under Popewatch!, War on Aliens

Take me to your pontiff

“I want to believe” is a rally cry for all UFO nuts, but what if aliens want to believe in God? Pope Francis said he’d totally baptize those aliens.

During Mass on Monday morning, the pope asked, “If, for example, an expedition of Martians arrived tomorrow, what would happen?” He then said if the little green men were moved by the Holy Spirit to be baptized in Jesus’ name, he would do it.

When the Lord shows us the way, who are we to say, ‘No, Lord, it is not prudent! No, let’s do it this way.’ Who are we to close doors?

Indeed, who are we to lower the blast shields or close the pod bay doors?

| Filed under War on Aliens, War on Animals

The reptiles of Mars

Sometimes we get people who call us crazy or paranoid for believing that animals are really in a mortal struggle with mankind. We wish it weren’t so, but we can’t just put our heads in the sand and act like the war isn’t happening. Want proof?

The Mars Curiosity rover found an iguana on Mars. That’s right, reptiles are from Mars, as we suspected all along. That’s why we also declared war against aliens. We can only assume that all other animal life, from insects to sharks to buffalo, are each from other planets as well.

Plants, well, we’re not sure about plants yet.

| Filed under War on Aliens, What a Reach!

Creepy guy in San Antonio finds cloud in sky

Cameras that are usually left running for periods on end typically are done so solely for security purposes. People that leave a camera running not for security purposes are creepy. There’s no other way to put it: creepy people tend to be behind cameras.

That out of the way, Mario Vallejo of San Antonio left a camera running for hours at his house. He claims to have found an orb in the sky on footage. An orb that totally couldn’t be a cloud whatsoever. Nope, not at all.

Now, we’re not automatically alluding that Mario Vallejo is a creepy person, but if we looked over all of his other footage, would there be orbs found of a different composition?

| Filed under War on Aliens

English politician has an alien baby

The alien war may be triggered by our own stupid tweets, but it’s secretly underway already. And it’s all an English politician’s fault.

A member of the Whitby, England Town Council by the name of Simon Parkes is married and has three kids. But on top of that he’s got another kid with an alien being he likes to call the Cat Queen. Parkes said that he has sex with the alien about four times a year — on a spaceship, of course. What’s worse, he says his own mother is an alien.

Parkes probably thinks he’s saving the human race by f&$%ing his way out of trouble, but really he’s putting us all in danger by creating an alien-human hybrid race to spy on us and figure out our weaknesses. This is bad.