Lava more efficient for building than water
Posted on March 12, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, War on Aliens | Leave a Comment |
A 168-mile-long channel near Mars’ Ascraeus Mons volcano wasn’t created by water as scientists have previously thought. New high-resolution images suggest that this trench was created by molten lava. DUM DUM DUMMMMMM!!!
What does this mean for the search for water on Mars? We’re hoping it means all the martians have been burned to death by now.
Thanks to improved imaging techniques, Mars researchers noticed volcanic vents near the Ascraeus Mons ridge. According to Jacob Bleacher of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center:
We started seeing that, instead of this [liquid] cutting into an existing surface, it was building a surface-it built a ridge up to 40 meters [...] You see it all the time in volcanic settings. So that’s kind of our smoking gun.
Get it ? Smoking gun? Lava?
Yes, well … ahem. This doesn’t mean that water-formed valleys don’t exist on Mars, but it does mean that researchers will have to account for volcanism more when analyzing images of Martian topography.
To reiterate: we hope the martians have all been burned to death. Because they are crafty and green.
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor‘V’ actually stands for ‘Vatican’
Posted on November 13, 2009
Filed Under War on Aliens | Leave a Comment |
The Catholic Church is looking into the possibility of life on other planets and how it could impact their understanding of God.
Pope Benedict XVI must have just read Chariots of Fire or something, because this isn’t really a new concept. While very little about aliens is mentioned in the Bible, this could help explain some of the more supernatural happenings. Perhaps instead of looking for angels, we should be looking for evidence of Biblical alien abductions.
As for the probings, well you can just investigate that one on your own.
Written by Bryan McBournieThat movie about the hockey team was fake, too
Posted on November 9, 2009
Filed Under War on Aliens | Leave a Comment |
Believe it or not, movies aren’t real. Even the ones that claim to be documentaries can be based on staged events or presented in an unfair light (sorry, Michael Moore fans). But what about a scary movie that claims to be a bit more real than the average movie?
We’re not talking about Paranormal Activity, we’re talking about The Fourth Kind, which is supposedly about a series of alien abductions in Nome, Alaska that happened in in 2004. This all makes sense, except that the FBI figured out the disappearances were the result of cold weather and alcohol, which generally don’t get along after a certain point.
Oh, and there’s the hypnosis, you know, like the kind you saw at the fair when the guy made his subjects think it was really cold and made them huddle together.
So for any of you still wondering out there, no alien abductions are not real. (At least that’s what we’re being told to tell you.)
Written by Bryan McBournieBut wait, there’s more!
Posted on October 21, 2009
Filed Under War on Aliens | Leave a Comment |
Science fiction fans everywhere yelled a collective “SQUEE!!!!” when it was recently announced that there’s more than just what we previously thought about space. I, for one, would like to welcome our rocket cycle-racing masters from Rigel.
Thanks to a modified Chilean telescope, 32 exoplanets have been discovered outside of our solar system. These planets have yet to be named, but we at SG suspect that they’ll probably be named along the lines of Gangster Planet, Dinosaur Planet, Nazi Planet, Ancient Rome Planet and Old West Planet.
Now, for all the misanthropes who would like to be the first on the next series of colony missions, keep in mind that we can’t successfully build a working bio dome on a planet with a stable atmosphere and have yet to colonize our closest planetary neighbor.
Of course, the definitive question is not how many of them that we have discovered, but how many of them have already discovered us (and the insides of our rectums via their ka-razy alien probes)?
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorBrought to you by letters H, N, number 1
Posted on September 1, 2009
Filed Under War on Aliens, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
For 40 years, we’ve watched dogs and bears and pigs and stuff live with humans consequence-free on an untraceable New York neighborhood known as Sesame Street.
But 40 years of propaganda cannot cover up the very real threat of swine flu.
Elmo and, human cast member, Gordon have teamed up with U.S. federal agencies, including the Department of Health and Human Services, to teach kids to cover their f$%king mouths when they sneeze and wash their damn hands before bringing us our beers.
That’s all well and good, but they’re still harboring Patient Zero.
Written by Rick SneeLost in space
Posted on July 17, 2009
Filed Under War on Aliens | Leave a Comment |
Let’s say you’re a government agency–a famous one. About, oh, say, 40 years ago your agency had its crowning achievement. In fact, it was hailed as one of the most important events in the history of humanity. It’s a good thing you got the whole thing on tape, right? You’re damn right it is.
Then let’s say a few years ago you admitted you couldn’t find the tapes of the pinnacle of your agency-nay, of your country in the 20th century. You even checked behind the couch, because tapes sometimes get stuck back there. You search high and low, until you find out what happened to the recordings.
You figure it out one day. You erased them. You f&$%ing erased them. What the hell were you thinking about? This satellite launch mix tape you made sucks. The moon landing was a way better jam. You really, really suck, NASA.
And don’t think that restoring other tapes makes up for it, bean bags.
Written by Bryan McBournieMasterChugs Theater: ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’
Posted on June 24, 2009
Filed Under MasterChugs Theater, War on Aliens | 4 Comments |
BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! CHUNK-CHUNK-CHUNK-CHUNK-CHONK. ZOOM!
That’s the recurring theme of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The giant robots from another planet are back, but this time, they range in sizes other than just giant. Nonetheless, it’s big, it’s loud, so get used to it!
But is it any good? Well, the answer just may very well surprise you.
Hit the jump to see my take on the movie. Oh, and as a warning, you should probably expect some spoilers. I’m going to attempt to keep them mild, but caveat … uh, whatever pig latin is for reader. Read more
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorIn space, no one can hear your ramblings
Posted on April 21, 2009
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, War on Aliens | 5 Comments |
Space, so we’re told, is a very peaceful. You have a nice view of the Earth, you get to go outside for a stroll, even some lucky few have walked on the moon. But they don’t talk about what happens to you when you go into space: you go crazy.
That’s right, it happens to a select few, but they get space dementia, which we all know is totally real. Case in point: Edgar Mitchell, a former astronaut best known for orbiting the moon on Apollo 14, said yesterday that UFOs are real and the U.S. government is covering them up.
Another former astronaut, Harrison Schmitt, who walked on the moon on Apollo 17, says that global warming is fake. He claims that science is being intimidated into supporting global warming because the scientists need their funding. Say, is this why no one really ever hears from Neil Armstrong?
Written by Bryan McBournieGAMES. IN. SPAAAAAAAACE.
Posted on March 26, 2009
Filed Under War on Aliens | 1 Comment |
OK, this the big moment-you’re a grade schooler, you live in DC and you’ve got the opportunity to talk to the newly elected President Barack Obama. Most probably, your life will never get as exciting as it is now. What can I say? Reality sucks. However, it gets even better-you get to call an astronaut at the same time. What do you ask? WHAT DO YOU ASK?
“Can you play video games in space?”
That’s exactly what the first kid said. No questions about the majesty of space, or about the grueling selection process involved in becoming an astronaut, or about the wonders of being able to just pick up a telephone and speak to somebody in space. It was “Can you play video games in space?”, and to be honest, that’s pretty awesome. What was Mister Astronaut’s answer?
We can, in fact. And in fact a few years ago when I was up here for six months I had a video game that I used to play in my spare time. Unfortunately, we don’t have much spare time.
So we can, we have a lot of laptop computers. But for the most part we stay real busy doing real work.
Lame, space dude. As we all know thanks to wonderful documentaries, playing video games is the only way to find the chosen one to save us from an alien invasion. Add some lasers onto the space station and you’re set. Get on it NASA.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSpace has no time for freeloaders
Posted on March 19, 2009
Filed Under War on Aliens, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Space. The Final Frontier. For the longest time, these voyages to the great beyond were known only by we noble humans and our primate prisoners. There, in space, we could practice numerous scientific activities that could thus better our race in our war against those hideous animals. But now, a new threat has emerged.
Yes, bats are now attaching themselves to space shuttle launches, undoubtedly in the ignoble hope that they can take down said space shuttle. Obviously this means that the animals have merged together into a horrible, unfied force of evil. As such, the bats, having nothing to live for now that they’re not allowed to eat those smalls bugs, have decided to become suicidal monsters.
The only coping thought that we can have regarding this news is that the bat most probably suffered a horrible and painful death upon initial launch out of the Earth’s atmosphere. If somehow, it managed to survive that, then we can take solace in the fact that it suffered an even more horrible and painful deaht, and as such, is now floating somewhere in space as a piece of space debris, hopefully causing numerous damage to some bothersome alien. Take that, ET!
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor keep looking »