We can see your panties

3,000 pairs of women’s underpants have been recovered from four spots along the highway in Ohio, at least one pile of 1,600 in Fairfield County alone.  Police report that the panties are loose and are both new and used. They also appear to be of the “local discount and grocery stores” variety, not the racy stuff your mom buys.

Other than those details, authorities are stumped. The Guys have put together a couple of theories:

  1. Aliens! You’ve heard of Stonehenge. This is Mingehenge. And if any of the underpants were made of corduroy, then this could have been the beginning of the NASCAR Lines.
  2. Artists! Mountains of unglamorous dollar store granny-panties discarded along the highways and biways of middle America — the interpretations are limitless.
  3. Animals! Prairie critters are attempting to infiltrate the Heartland, one leg at a time — just like the rest of us.
  4. The Japanese! The used ones fit their M.O. Not sure where the new ones come in, though. Perhaps we interrupted them before they could finish?

We will dispatch our own Bryan McBournie to Ohio this weekend to investigate.

The truth is around here somewhere

Australia seems to have lost its files detailing many of its UFO encounters, the country’s Department of Defence said recently. A newspaper Freedom of Information request force the government to look for the files, but they have gone missing.

Where could they have gone? Here are a few our our theories:

  • The Australian government is hiding the truth, because those files will blow your mind, man.
  • The person who was in charge of finding the files was actually an alien, because they have infiltrated our highest halls of power.
  • The X-Files division got smashed one night and needed something to make torches out of when the power went out.

Game, SETI, match: aliens win

The economic climate in this country since 2007 has spurred a long list of spending cuts at state, local and federal levels. So far, the casualties have been limited: teachers, police officers, street lights …. None of those really matter, though, because we are officially defenseless against an alien invasion now.

SETI–whose NASA funds were cut in 1994 and was kept afloat by Paul Allen, the National Science Foundation and the state of California–is officially paddleless up that famous Los Angeles landmark, S#%t Creek.

The proof is phallic

A nerd at NASA thinks that he’s found evidence of aliens. Me, I think he’s found a picture of a dong.

Richard Hoover discovered fossils of bacteria in an extremely rare kind of meteorite. If you’re going to find an alien, I suppose those are the best conditions-super specific rare. After breaking apart the extremely rare meteorite, Hoover looked at the fragments with a scanning-electron microscope. What did he find? Micro-organisms, and kids, there’s picture evidence.

Oh, how there is picture evidence.

Look at the picture! It looks like a wang. A long, slithery wang. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it is an alien. If it is an alien, given that shape, well, to be honest, we’re boned.

UN wants you for Space Ambassador

At least, if you’re qualified, that is.

Yes, you’re reading that right. This is not a satirical website’s attempt at humor (or at least, some other satirical website’s attempt at humor), nor is it an April Fool’s-esque headline: this is the real deal.

The United Nations has appointed Malaysia’s first astrophysicist to be their ambassador to space. No one knows at the moment whether this will be a strike for our on-going war on aliens (established in June of 1947, maybe July) or blow against a much needed wartime effort, as the UN is often wont to do.

Sabotage from space

Folks, there are a lot of wars going on right now. We are currently meeting on the battlefield: terrorism, drugs, poverty, illiteracy, concussions, and of course, animals. But like Korea, we’re still at war, even though we often forget get about it. Our currently forgotten war is that against aliens. Only the History Channel’s daytime/weekend fare reminds us of our peril. Well, here’s something to remind us all why we fight.

UFOs are knocking out our ICBMs, and we’ve got the military guys to back it up. A panel for former servicemen will gather next week at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. to discuss how in many instances our country’s nuclear arsenal was incapacitated while a strange disc was spotted floating nearby. No, really, that press release isn’t a fake, the National Press Club’s site confirms it.

We tried to tell you that Barack Obama was soft on alien life forms. John McCain would have never allowed this to happen!

There’s something out there

And it’s clearly doing our job for us. Which is wonderful!

Cows are being mutilated in Alamosa, Colorado, and no one knows why. No one but Mike Duran, that is.

“I believe there are aliens. People may laugh at me for thinking that,” Duran said. “(The aliens) do what they have to, and then they bring (the cows) back and they drop them back in the field. And that’s why there are no tracks.”

Well, you know what? As long as it’s not a bladed appendage, I want to shake the hand of whoever is doing the slaughtering. Summer is just upon us and the weather has just been pristine. As such, it’s that time of the year for grilling, which puts a big smile on me. And if anyone (or anything) wants to do some favors for the local butchers and meat departments around here and do a little preliminary chopping of beef, well, that’s just perfectly fine with me.

You Missed It: Secret of the ooze edition

I’m back, I know both of you missed me. What did I miss while I was gone? Apparently, a fair amount. I would like to thank Chugs “Chris” Taylor not only for handling YMI in my absence, but for actively encouraging the ruination of my trip. He is the Glenn Beck of vacations. Anyway, if you were busy trying to keep brown people out of your state, odds are you missed it.

Where’s Bruce Willis from ‘Armageddon’ when you need him?
Oil drilling is dangerous, and like evil, man. You remember the eco-stoners in college, right? Now they have more fodder to preach. An oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico is beginning to wash ashore in Louisiana, with no end for at least a month. Pop the popcorn, then sit back and enjoy as the first images of bird covered in oil. That’s how we tar and feather our enemies in America, baby!

Don’t say we didn’t warn you
We’ve been telling you for years now that aliens are bad, and it looks like Stephen Hawking is joining our ranks. He said recently that mankind shouldn’t be so excited to rush off and find life on other planets, because there’s good chance that they are more advanced than us and will enslave us as soon as they realize we exist. After that, Hawking theorized, it will take Space Abraham Lincoln to save us.

Reminder: Your .45 is not a utensil
The Tennessee senate passed a bill this week that would require restaurants to put up signs reminding patrons that guns are not allowed. However, guns are allowed in bars. Can someone go let Plaxico Burress know about this when he gets out of jail?