The alien war may be triggered by our own stupid tweets, but it’s secretly underway already. And it’s all an English politician’s fault.
A member of the Whitby, England Town Council by the name of Simon Parkes is married and has three kids. But on top of that he’s got another kid with an alien being he likes to call the Cat Queen. Parkes said that he has sex with the alien about four times a year — on a spaceship, of course. What’s worse, he says his own mother is an alien.
Parkes probably thinks he’s saving the human race by f&$%ing his way out of trouble, but really he’s putting us all in danger by creating an alien-human hybrid race to spy on us and figure out our weaknesses. This is bad.
Folks, we’ve warned for years that aliens are out there, and we have no reason to believe they come in peace. Really, they’re just like any other living thing, out to get us. But now, people are trying to hasten an interstellar war we aren’t ready for.
The maniacs at a company called Lone Signal are working on a website that will allow people to send single, tweet-like messages to a star 17 light years away. This means that in however many years it takes the message to travel there, plus however long it takes our alien foes to translate it, we could be inundating them with messages letting them know that we’ve got Bieber fever.
If that’s not justification to destroy our planet, we don’t know what is.
Sometimes The Guys are in favor of science. It helps us out and makes things better. And then sometimes we’re not in favor of science, but that’s mainly due to science jerks. They’re the people that think they know it all just because they probably do. Regardless, we know stuff too, but we don’t prevent other people from doing things.
The International Astronomical Union (IAU) has decided that people on our planet aren’t allowed to name planets, moons and stars that haven’t been discovered yet. That’s BS. How else are we to have the amber star Alpha Beertauri? How else are we to have the moon Essgee? How else are we to let the invading aliens know that we’re cool simply based off an awesomely named planet? Don’t censor us, science nerds.
The U.S. political climate has its issues, but we’re doing great compared to Russia. Fortunately, one Russian woman has taken it upon herself to form a new party to save her country.
For example, Svetlana Peunova knows that lizard aliens from the planet Nibiru will attack mankind. On top of that, the secret world government has forced Russia to eat genetically modified food that will make everyone sterile. That’s why she formed her own political party recently.
Perhaps now we’ll see something get done in Moscow!
Alpha Centauri. It’s a galaxy that space nerds named. We don’t exactly know where it is or how many smelly French people live in it, but we do know it exists.
As of this week, we also know that there is a planet in it. SPACE SCIENCE!
As it is, this is pretty big news, discovery-wise, but science fiction nerds around the internet are blowing their lids. Why? Because Alpha Centauri is a fairly significant universe when it comes to science fiction, whether it’s giant transforming robots or a galactic federation composed of pointy-eared people with crew cuts.
Now, does the newly discovered planet, known as eso1241 (real creative, science), actually have any life? Who knows, but if so, I’m sure we’ll be able to subjugate it.
In 2008, NASA beamed a recording of The Beatles’ “Across the Universe” into space. Four years, a severely cut budget and no response later, they’ve taken a new tack: assaulting Mars with Will.i.am. And make no mistake: a sonic bombardment of auto-tuned Black-Eyed Pea is just that, an assault, perhaps meant to drive lifeforms out of hiding so they’ll try to turn the stereo off. Or even just pound on the ceilings of their subterranean lairs with a broom handle. Any reaction that gives them away will do, really.
So, how did we arrive at this point, where America’s space agency has mohawks and Mars rovers with twitter accounts? With the end of manned space missions, NASA has embraced a new goal: cultural relevancy.
You can’t blame them. When 46 percent — nearly half — of Americans believe in strictly creationism and a sitting member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology doesn’t know how rape works (and yet has an opinion about it), it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that nobody cares about space exploration unless we find God a la Star Trek V.
Good for you, NASA. You cracked the code to making the news cycles and, maybe one day, more money. But, where do you go from here? I’m glad you asked … Continue reading
It is with joyful elation that we bring you this news from the recently opened front in the War on Aliens: Mars! The Curiosity rover has just vaporized the first rock in what will prove to be the premptive attack that saved our world.
For too long, Mars has haunted our collective imagination, invading us in books and movies over and over again. But, now that we have perfected laser cannons and rocket cranes, we have finally caught up with our dangerous, imaginary foes and will destroy any trace of them should they assume a bacterial form on softball-sized rocks.
Eat our lasers, Red Menace!
Planet X has been newly discovered. Again.
New evidence has been discovered that theorizes that a previously unseen planet may skirt around the edges of our galaxy. The hypothetical planet is estimated at being four times the size of Earth and pulls small bits of ice and frozen objects with its gravity.
While this is nice and all, haven’t we already gotten a Planet X more than a couple times by now? In fact, isn’t it nearly a yearly event? I’m tired of Planet X. Either name it something other than Planet X (my suggestion is Tony), declare it a real planet or don’t bother me with the news. The option is yours space nerds.
Most people think that the military would be our last line of defense. Be careful with that line of thinking-it could end us.
The United States Air Force has sent the X-37B, a secret unmanned space plane into the great beyond. Its mission? That’s classified (we can only hope that it was zapping ET), but apparently it was a raging success. What won’t be a success is when the space plane kills us all.
Oh sure, Chris is just ranting and raving his wild theories again, right? Well then, tell me this college boy: what’s to stop the space plane when it does gain a murderous and brutal sentience? What’s that, no answer? I’ll tell you what’s to stop it: us.
Someone, get me my off-button gloves.
Just past a year following the earthquake and tsunami that wrecked Tohoku, one of the largest single pieces of debris from the disaster has crossed the ocean, a full-sized commercial fishing trawler. The derelict was sighted about 50 miles off the coast of Canada’s British Columbia province, near the Haida Gwaii islands. Spotter planes found the ship floating upright, intact and seemingly seaworthy but for the extensive rust covering the hull. There were no signs of life aboard the vessel.
Human life, that is.
Contrary to popular belief, the patch itself isn’t “solid enough to walk on”. Much of the debris is submerged and almost invisible. Having watched tons and tons of movies over the course of my life, I have the utmost belief that there is some kind of hidden alien or monster in that vessel, secretly waiting for silly humans to attempt to stumble onto it. Or, the ship has become a lure for some giant angler fish-esque leviathan.
The only safe course of action to do is burn the water. Twice. Just in case.