Category: War on Aliens

| Filed under War on Aliens, War on Animals

The reptiles of Mars

Sometimes we get people who call us crazy or paranoid for believing that animals are really in a mortal struggle with mankind. We wish it weren’t so, but we can’t just put our heads in the sand and act like the war isn’t happening. Want proof?

The Mars Curiosity rover found an iguana on Mars. That’s right, reptiles are from Mars, as we suspected all along. That’s why we also declared war against aliens. We can only assume that all other animal life, from insects to sharks to buffalo, are each from other planets as well.

Plants, well, we’re not sure about plants yet.

| Filed under War on Aliens, What a Reach!

Creepy guy in San Antonio finds cloud in sky

Cameras that are usually left running for periods on end typically are done so solely for security purposes. People that leave a camera running not for security purposes are creepy. There’s no other way to put it: creepy people tend to be behind cameras.

That out of the way, Mario Vallejo of San Antonio left a camera running for hours at his house. He claims to have found an orb in the sky on footage. An orb that totally couldn’t be a cloud whatsoever. Nope, not at all.

Now, we’re not automatically alluding that Mario Vallejo is a creepy person, but if we looked over all of his other footage, would there be orbs found of a different composition?

| Filed under War on Aliens

English politician has an alien baby

The alien war may be triggered by our own stupid tweets, but it’s secretly underway already. And it’s all an English politician’s fault.

A member of the Whitby, England Town Council by the name of Simon Parkes is married and has three kids. But on top of that he’s got another kid with an alien being he likes to call the Cat Queen. Parkes said that he has sex with the alien about four times a year — on a spaceship, of course. What’s worse, he says his own mother is an alien.

Parkes probably thinks he’s saving the human race by f&$%ing his way out of trouble, but really he’s putting us all in danger by creating an alien-human hybrid race to spy on us and figure out our weaknesses. This is bad.

| Filed under War on Aliens

‘@aliens17lyaway Sup, dudes? #followback’

Folks, we’ve warned for years that aliens are out there, and we have no reason to believe they come in peace. Really, they’re just like any other living thing, out to get us. But now, people are trying to hasten an interstellar war we aren’t ready for.

The maniacs at a company called Lone Signal are working on a website that will allow people to send single, tweet-like messages to a star 17 light years away. This means that in however many years it takes the message to travel there, plus however long it takes our alien foes to translate it, we could be inundating them with messages letting them know that we’ve got Bieber fever.

If that’s not justification to destroy our planet, we don’t know what is.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Aliens

Thanks a lot, science jerks

Sometimes The Guys are in favor of science. It helps us out and makes things better. And then sometimes we’re not in favor of science, but that’s mainly due to science jerks. They’re the people that think they know it all just because they probably do. Regardless, we know stuff too, but we don’t prevent other people from doing things.

The International Astronomical Union (IAU) has decided that people on our planet aren’t allowed to name planets, moons and stars that haven’t been discovered yet. That’s BS. How else are we to have the amber star Alpha Beertauri? How else are we to have the moon Essgee? How else are we to let the invading aliens know that we’re cool simply based off an awesomely named planet? Don’t censor us, science nerds.

| Filed under War on Aliens

Finally, a leader opens up about the impending alien invasion

The U.S. political climate has its issues, but we’re doing great compared to Russia. Fortunately, one Russian woman has taken it upon herself to form a new party to save her country.

For example, Svetlana Peunova knows that lizard aliens from the planet Nibiru will attack mankind. On top of that, the secret world government has forced Russia to eat genetically modified food that will make everyone sterile. That’s why she formed her own political party recently.

Perhaps now we’ll see something get done in Moscow!

| Filed under War on Aliens

There’s a new neighbor in space’s cul-de-sac

Alpha Centauri. It’s a galaxy that space nerds named. We don’t exactly know where it is or how many smelly French people live in it, but we do know it exists.

As of this week, we also know that there is a planet in it. SPACE SCIENCE!

As it is, this is pretty big news, discovery-wise, but science fiction nerds around the internet are blowing their lids. Why? Because Alpha Centauri is a fairly significant universe when it comes to science fiction, whether it’s giant transforming robots or a galactic federation composed of pointy-eared people with crew cuts.

Now, does the newly discovered planet, known as eso1241 (real creative, science), actually have any life? Who knows, but if so, I’m sure we’ll be able to subjugate it.

| Filed under Take it from Snee, War on Aliens

Take it from Snee: NASA’s newest mission for relevancy

In 2008, NASA beamed a recording of The Beatles’ “Across the Universe” into space. Four years, a severely cut budget and no response later, they’ve taken a new tack: assaulting Mars with And make no mistake: a sonic bombardment of auto-tuned Black-Eyed Pea is just that, an assault, perhaps meant to drive lifeforms out of hiding so they’ll try to turn the stereo off. Or even just pound on the ceilings of their subterranean lairs with a broom handle. Any reaction that gives them away will do, really.

So, how did we arrive at this point, where America’s space agency has mohawks and Mars rovers with twitter accounts? With the end of manned space missions, NASA has embraced a new goal: cultural relevancy.

You can’t blame them. When 46 percent — nearly half — of Americans believe in strictly creationism and a sitting member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology doesn’t know how rape works (and yet has an opinion about it), it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that nobody cares about space exploration unless we find God a la Star Trek V.

Good for you, NASA. You cracked the code to making the news cycles and, maybe one day, more money. But, where do you go from here? I’m glad you asked …  Continue reading

| Filed under KAPLOOIE!, War on Aliens, WE DID IT!

Mars Attacked!

It is with joyful elation that we bring you this news from the recently opened front in the War on Aliens: Mars! The Curiosity rover has just vaporized the first rock in what will prove to be the premptive attack that saved our world.

For too long, Mars has haunted our collective imagination, invading us in books and movies over and over again. But, now that we have perfected laser cannons and rocket cranes, we have finally caught up with our dangerous, imaginary foes and will destroy any trace of them should they assume a bacterial form on softball-sized rocks.

Eat our lasers, Red Menace!