At least, if you’re qualified, that is.
Yes, you’re reading that right. This is not a satirical website’s attempt at humor (or at least, some other satirical website’s attempt at humor), nor is it an April Fool’s-esque headline: this is the real deal.
The United Nations has appointed Malaysia’s first astrophysicist to be their ambassador to space. No one knows at the moment whether this will be a strike for our on-going war on aliens (established in June of 1947, maybe July) or blow against a much needed wartime effort, as the UN is often wont to do.
Folks, there are a lot of wars going on right now. We are currently meeting on the battlefield: terrorism, drugs, poverty, illiteracy, concussions, and of course, animals. But like Korea, we’re still at war, even though we often forget get about it. Our currently forgotten war is that against aliens. Only the History Channel’s daytime/weekend fare reminds us of our peril. Well, here’s something to remind us all why we fight.
UFOs are knocking out our ICBMs, and we’ve got the military guys to back it up. A panel for former servicemen will gather next week at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. to discuss how in many instances our country’s nuclear arsenal was incapacitated while a strange disc was spotted floating nearby. No, really, that press release isn’t a fake, the National Press Club’s site confirms it.
We tried to tell you that Barack Obama was soft on alien life forms. John McCain would have never allowed this to happen!
Apparently Billy Ray Cyrus is built for more than breeding talentless crap. He’s taking his talents and his son to the SyFy network for a new show about him and his son tag-teaming extra-terrestrial activity.
We know what you’re thinking, and yes, we’ve already set our DVRs too.
And it’s clearly doing our job for us. Which is wonderful!
Cows are being mutilated in Alamosa, Colorado, and no one knows why. No one but Mike Duran, that is.
“I believe there are aliens. People may laugh at me for thinking that,” Duran said. “(The aliens) do what they have to, and then they bring (the cows) back and they drop them back in the field. And that’s why there are no tracks.”
Well, you know what? As long as it’s not a bladed appendage, I want to shake the hand of whoever is doing the slaughtering. Summer is just upon us and the weather has just been pristine. As such, it’s that time of the year for grilling, which puts a big smile on me. And if anyone (or anything) wants to do some favors for the local butchers and meat departments around here and do a little preliminary chopping of beef, well, that’s just perfectly fine with me.
Ladies and gents, as a news blog, there are some moments in time that make everything worth it. Sometimes, life can be rough, but it’s okay once you get that one headline.
This is that moment and this is that headline.
I’m back, I know both of you missed me. What did I miss while I was gone? Apparently, a fair amount. I would like to thank Chugs “Chris” Taylor not only for handling YMI in my absence, but for actively encouraging the ruination of my trip. He is the Glenn Beck of vacations. Anyway, if you were busy trying to keep brown people out of your state, odds are you missed it.
Where’s Bruce Willis from ‘Armageddon’ when you need him?
Oil drilling is dangerous, and like evil, man. You remember the eco-stoners in college, right? Now they have more fodder to preach. An oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico is beginning to wash ashore in Louisiana, with no end for at least a month. Pop the popcorn, then sit back and enjoy as the first images of bird covered in oil. That’s how we tar and feather our enemies in America, baby!
Don’t say we didn’t warn you
We’ve been telling you for years now that aliens are bad, and it looks like Stephen Hawking is joining our ranks. He said recently that mankind shouldn’t be so excited to rush off and find life on other planets, because there’s good chance that they are more advanced than us and will enslave us as soon as they realize we exist. After that, Hawking theorized, it will take Space Abraham Lincoln to save us.
Reminder: Your .45 is not a utensil
The Tennessee senate passed a bill this week that would require restaurants to put up signs reminding patrons that guns are not allowed. However, guns are allowed in bars. Can someone go let Plaxico Burress know about this when he gets out of jail?
Dear Mister President Sir Obama: please do not exterminalate NASA yet. We may very well need them sooner than we think.
Reportedly, pond scum has been found on Mars. Pond scum, the building blocks of life (okay, not really), was discovered on a secret mission to the red planet. A secret mission. What does this mean?
ALIENS ARE ATTEMPTING TO TAKE OVER OUR WATER SUPPLY. Do not be surprised if we eventually hear an announcement stating “IM IN UR DAM KILLING ALL UR AMOEBAS.”
Now, obviously, since the origin of this is a tabloid, it’s advised to take this news with a heaping helping of salt. Just make sure to save some so that we can dry out the pond scum alienoids. It could be our only way to fight back.
The headline? Love it.
The byline? Love it.
The credible source? Love it.
The source of the story? Love it.
Why do I love it? Because, according to the story, UFO experts tell us that aliens are attacking our sheep. I’d repeat that sentence, but, well, sometimes the proof is just in the pudding.
DOON DOON DOONDOONDOON DOON-DOON.
Oh, like you’re any better at phonetically spelling the theme to the X-Files?
An alleged UFO that zoomed over the city of Luque in Paraguay sounds very much like the strobing, disco-like UFOs in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. It’s being reported that many people in the Luque area saw the object:
According to their story, the sighting involved a large object with several lights whose colors changed constantly.
Raul Torres explained that his sister informed him of the object’s manifestation. He went outside for a look and realized that it was an object moving slowly across the skies, with lights that changed colors.
“It wasn’t your ordinary star. It moved and then remained still,” added Selva Torres. “Its bright flashes, and its colors, impressed us all. Many of us here were watching.”
I hope for the sake of our future that these ships were the real thing. Why? Because I’m a greedy man that desperately wishes Will Smith would greet them with a rousing “WELCOME TO EARF!”
A 168-mile-long channel near Mars’ Ascraeus Mons volcano wasn’t created by water as scientists have previously thought. New high-resolution images suggest that this trench was created by molten lava. DUM DUM DUMMMMMM!!!
What does this mean for the search for water on Mars? We’re hoping it means all the martians have been burned to death by now.
Thanks to improved imaging techniques, Mars researchers noticed volcanic vents near the Ascraeus Mons ridge. According to Jacob Bleacher of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center:
We started seeing that, instead of this [liquid] cutting into an existing surface, it was building a surface-it built a ridge up to 40 meters [...] You see it all the time in volcanic settings. So that’s kind of our smoking gun.
Get it ? Smoking gun? Lava?
Yes, well … ahem. This doesn’t mean that water-formed valleys don’t exist on Mars, but it does mean that researchers will have to account for volcanism more when analyzing images of Martian topography.
To reiterate: we hope the martians have all been burned to death. Because they are crafty and green.