It is with joyful elation that we bring you this news from the recently opened front in the War on Aliens: Mars! The Curiosity rover has just vaporized the first rock in what will prove to be the premptive attack that saved our world.
For too long, Mars has haunted our collective imagination, invading us in books and movies over and over again. But, now that we have perfected laser cannons and rocket cranes, we have finally caught up with our dangerous, imaginary foes and will destroy any trace of them should they assume a bacterial form on softball-sized rocks.
Eat our lasers, Red Menace!
Planet X has been newly discovered. Again.
New evidence has been discovered that theorizes that a previously unseen planet may skirt around the edges of our galaxy. The hypothetical planet is estimated at being four times the size of Earth and pulls small bits of ice and frozen objects with its gravity.
While this is nice and all, haven’t we already gotten a Planet X more than a couple times by now? In fact, isn’t it nearly a yearly event? I’m tired of Planet X. Either name it something other than Planet X (my suggestion is Tony), declare it a real planet or don’t bother me with the news. The option is yours space nerds.
Most people think that the military would be our last line of defense. Be careful with that line of thinking-it could end us.
The United States Air Force has sent the X-37B, a secret unmanned space plane into the great beyond. Its mission? That’s classified (we can only hope that it was zapping ET), but apparently it was a raging success. What won’t be a success is when the space plane kills us all.
Oh sure, Chris is just ranting and raving his wild theories again, right? Well then, tell me this college boy: what’s to stop the space plane when it does gain a murderous and brutal sentience? What’s that, no answer? I’ll tell you what’s to stop it: us.
Someone, get me my off-button gloves.
Just past a year following the earthquake and tsunami that wrecked Tohoku, one of the largest single pieces of debris from the disaster has crossed the ocean, a full-sized commercial fishing trawler. The derelict was sighted about 50 miles off the coast of Canada’s British Columbia province, near the Haida Gwaii islands. Spotter planes found the ship floating upright, intact and seemingly seaworthy but for the extensive rust covering the hull. There were no signs of life aboard the vessel.
Human life, that is.
Contrary to popular belief, the patch itself isn’t “solid enough to walk on”. Much of the debris is submerged and almost invisible. Having watched tons and tons of movies over the course of my life, I have the utmost belief that there is some kind of hidden alien or monster in that vessel, secretly waiting for silly humans to attempt to stumble onto it. Or, the ship has become a lure for some giant angler fish-esque leviathan.
The only safe course of action to do is burn the water. Twice. Just in case.
Did you know that Dwight Eisenhower had a secret meeting with aliens while he was in office? A former aide said he did.
Timothy Good, an author and lecturer, said that Eisenhower and FBI officials set up the meeting through psychic messages, and eventually met at Holloman Air Force Base in New Mexico. On top of that, he said that many governments around the world have had contact with aliens for decades. Remember, this guy is apparently an academic, so he must be telling the truth.
If this guy isn’t just making it all up, we have some serious questions for world leaders. For example, if we have contact with aliens, why haven’t we killed them all by now?
A survey was conducted across 50 countries, asking the question “Do you believe in UFO’s?”. Coming in at number two is Japan. A total of 45.3% of the Japanese people polled replied that they did in fact believe in alien sightings, placing Japan below only Brazil and Mexico.
In a country that still values the presence of spirits and the supernatural, this isn’t quite that shocking. You don’t often see many programs on TV discussing the existence of extraterrestrials but apparently that doesn’t mean a whole lot.
So, what can we gather from this report? The Fortean Times probably isn’t (but may possibly) a magazine originating from the United States, but from Brazil, Mexico or Japan.
A Peruvian college boooooy claims to have found proof of aliens in the form of a skull. Let’s examine why this is probably false.
- Renato Davila Riquelme says that he’s found a creature with a triangle-shaped head. Since when did triangles look like watermelons.
- People have been dying for years, nay, centuries, from different ailments that made them look different. Just because photography came about in 1839 doesn’t mean that people didn’t have lionitis before then.
- When the word scientists is placed in quotation marks in an article,we should almost automatically doubt everything reported.
- And the most damning piece of evidence: noted [fictional] scientist Reed Richards once stated regarding extraterrestrial biology, when a creature’s eyes are large, it usually means they have poor vision. Oftentimes, they can recognize shapes but not necessarily distinguish color. Even if the skull in the article is an honest to truth alien, it’s a racist.
3,000 pairs of women’s underpants have been recovered from four spots along the highway in Ohio, at least one pile of 1,600 in Fairfield County alone. Police report that the panties are loose and are both new and used. They also appear to be of the “local discount and grocery stores” variety, not the racy stuff your mom buys.
Other than those details, authorities are stumped. The Guys have put together a couple of theories:
- Aliens! You’ve heard of Stonehenge. This is Mingehenge. And if any of the underpants were made of corduroy, then this could have been the beginning of the NASCAR Lines.
- Artists! Mountains of unglamorous dollar store granny-panties discarded along the highways and biways of middle America — the interpretations are limitless.
- Animals! Prairie critters are attempting to infiltrate the Heartland, one leg at a time — just like the rest of us.
- The Japanese! The used ones fit their M.O. Not sure where the new ones come in, though. Perhaps we interrupted them before they could finish?
We will dispatch our own Bryan McBournie to Ohio this weekend to investigate.
Australia seems to have lost its files detailing many of its UFO encounters, the country’s Department of Defence said recently. A newspaper Freedom of Information request force the government to look for the files, but they have gone missing.
Where could they have gone? Here are a few our our theories:
- The Australian government is hiding the truth, because those files will blow your mind, man.
- The person who was in charge of finding the files was actually an alien, because they have infiltrated our highest halls of power.
- The X-Files division got smashed one night and needed something to make torches out of when the power went out.
The economic climate in this country since 2007 has spurred a long list of spending cuts at state, local and federal levels. So far, the casualties have been limited: teachers, police officers, street lights …. None of those really matter, though, because we are officially defenseless against an alien invasion now.
SETI–whose NASA funds were cut in 1994 and was kept afloat by Paul Allen, the National Science Foundation and the state of California–is officially paddleless up that famous Los Angeles landmark, S#%t Creek.