I’m back, I know both of you missed me. What did I miss while I was gone? Apparently, a fair amount. I would like to thank Chugs “Chris” Taylor not only for handling YMI in my absence, but for actively encouraging the ruination of my trip. He is the Glenn Beck of vacations. Anyway, if you were busy trying to keep brown people out of your state, odds are you missed it.
Where’s Bruce Willis from ‘Armageddon’ when you need him?
Oil drilling is dangerous, and like evil, man. You remember the eco-stoners in college, right? Now they have more fodder to preach. An oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico is beginning to wash ashore in Louisiana, with no end for at least a month. Pop the popcorn, then sit back and enjoy as the first images of bird covered in oil. That’s how we tar and feather our enemies in America, baby!
Don’t say we didn’t warn you
We’ve been telling you for years now that aliens are bad, and it looks like Stephen Hawking is joining our ranks. He said recently that mankind shouldn’t be so excited to rush off and find life on other planets, because there’s good chance that they are more advanced than us and will enslave us as soon as they realize we exist. After that, Hawking theorized, it will take Space Abraham Lincoln to save us.
Reminder: Your .45 is not a utensil
The Tennessee senate passed a bill this week that would require restaurants to put up signs reminding patrons that guns are not allowed. However, guns are allowed in bars. Can someone go let Plaxico Burress know about this when he gets out of jail?
Dear Mister President Sir Obama: please do not exterminalate NASA yet. We may very well need them sooner than we think.
Reportedly, pond scum has been found on Mars. Pond scum, the building blocks of life (okay, not really), was discovered on a secret mission to the red planet. A secret mission. What does this mean?
ALIENS ARE ATTEMPTING TO TAKE OVER OUR WATER SUPPLY. Do not be surprised if we eventually hear an announcement stating “IM IN UR DAM KILLING ALL UR AMOEBAS.”
Now, obviously, since the origin of this is a tabloid, it’s advised to take this news with a heaping helping of salt. Just make sure to save some so that we can dry out the pond scum alienoids. It could be our only way to fight back.
The headline? Love it.
The byline? Love it.
The credible source? Love it.
The source of the story? Love it.
Why do I love it? Because, according to the story, UFO experts tell us that aliens are attacking our sheep. I’d repeat that sentence, but, well, sometimes the proof is just in the pudding.
DOON DOON DOONDOONDOON DOON-DOON.
Oh, like you’re any better at phonetically spelling the theme to the X-Files?
An alleged UFO that zoomed over the city of Luque in Paraguay sounds very much like the strobing, disco-like UFOs in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. It’s being reported that many people in the Luque area saw the object:
According to their story, the sighting involved a large object with several lights whose colors changed constantly.
Raul Torres explained that his sister informed him of the object’s manifestation. He went outside for a look and realized that it was an object moving slowly across the skies, with lights that changed colors.
“It wasn’t your ordinary star. It moved and then remained still,” added Selva Torres. “Its bright flashes, and its colors, impressed us all. Many of us here were watching.”
I hope for the sake of our future that these ships were the real thing. Why? Because I’m a greedy man that desperately wishes Will Smith would greet them with a rousing “WELCOME TO EARF!”
A 168-mile-long channel near Mars’ Ascraeus Mons volcano wasn’t created by water as scientists have previously thought. New high-resolution images suggest that this trench was created by molten lava. DUM DUM DUMMMMMM!!!
What does this mean for the search for water on Mars? We’re hoping it means all the martians have been burned to death by now.
Thanks to improved imaging techniques, Mars researchers noticed volcanic vents near the Ascraeus Mons ridge. According to Jacob Bleacher of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center:
We started seeing that, instead of this [liquid] cutting into an existing surface, it was building a surface-it built a ridge up to 40 meters [...] You see it all the time in volcanic settings. So that’s kind of our smoking gun.
Get it ? Smoking gun? Lava?
Yes, well … ahem. This doesn’t mean that water-formed valleys don’t exist on Mars, but it does mean that researchers will have to account for volcanism more when analyzing images of Martian topography.
To reiterate: we hope the martians have all been burned to death. Because they are crafty and green.
The Catholic Church is looking into the possibility of life on other planets and how it could impact their understanding of God.
Pope Benedict XVI must have just read Chariots of Fire or something, because this isn’t really a new concept. While very little about aliens is mentioned in the Bible, this could help explain some of the more supernatural happenings. Perhaps instead of looking for angels, we should be looking for evidence of Biblical alien abductions.
As for the probings, well you can just investigate that one on your own.
Believe it or not, movies aren’t real. Even the ones that claim to be documentaries can be based on staged events or presented in an unfair light (sorry, Michael Moore fans). But what about a scary movie that claims to be a bit more real than the average movie?
We’re not talking about Paranormal Activity, we’re talking about The Fourth Kind, which is supposedly about a series of alien abductions in Nome, Alaska that happened in in 2004. This all makes sense, except that the FBI figured out the disappearances were the result of cold weather and alcohol, which generally don’t get along after a certain point.
Oh, and there’s the hypnosis, you know, like the kind you saw at the fair when the guy made his subjects think it was really cold and made them huddle together.
So for any of you still wondering out there, no alien abductions are not real. (At least that’s what we’re being told to tell you.)
Science fiction fans everywhere yelled a collective “SQUEE!!!!” when it was recently announced that there’s more than just what we previously thought about space. I, for one, would like to welcome our rocket cycle-racing masters from Rigel.
Thanks to a modified Chilean telescope, 32 exoplanets have been discovered outside of our solar system. These planets have yet to be named, but we at SG suspect that they’ll probably be named along the lines of Gangster Planet, Dinosaur Planet, Nazi Planet, Ancient Rome Planet and Old West Planet.
Now, for all the misanthropes who would like to be the first on the next series of colony missions, keep in mind that we can’t successfully build a working bio dome on a planet with a stable atmosphere and have yet to colonize our closest planetary neighbor.
Of course, the definitive question is not how many of them that we have discovered, but how many of them have already discovered us (and the insides of our rectums via their ka-razy alien probes)?
For 40 years, we’ve watched dogs and bears and pigs and stuff live with humans consequence-free on an untraceable New York neighborhood known as Sesame Street.
But 40 years of propaganda cannot cover up the very real threat of swine flu.
Elmo and, human cast member, Gordon have teamed up with U.S. federal agencies, including the Department of Health and Human Services, to teach kids to cover their f$%king mouths when they sneeze and wash their damn hands before bringing us our beers.
That’s all well and good, but they’re still harboring Patient Zero.
Let’s say you’re a government agency–a famous one. About, oh, say, 40 years ago your agency had its crowning achievement. In fact, it was hailed as one of the most important events in the history of humanity. It’s a good thing you got the whole thing on tape, right? You’re damn right it is.
Then let’s say a few years ago you admitted you couldn’t find the tapes of the pinnacle of your agency-nay, of your country in the 20th century. You even checked behind the couch, because tapes sometimes get stuck back there. You search high and low, until you find out what happened to the recordings.
You figure it out one day. You erased them. You f&$%ing erased them. What the hell were you thinking about? This satellite launch mix tape you made sucks. The moon landing was a way better jam. You really, really suck, NASA.
And don’t think that restoring other tapes makes up for it, bean bags.