Prequel threatens another sci-fi franchise

You know how we know the new Star Trek movie is going to suck? They just cast a kid for Cap’n Kirk.

And you know how we really know?

“… we were going to see old Spock and a much younger version of the character in the same movie, courtesy of some time travel plot device that hasn’t been fully disclosed … [emphasis ours].”

Cowboys and aliens

Last week, reports of UFOs over the town of Stephenville, Texas were reported and received much fanfare from mainstream media. Why these sightings caught attention, when thousands of crazies people report seeing UFOs every year is beyond this blog. However, many people in the town saw the strange lights and even reported seeing jets chase the lights.

Now, this blog was shocked to find that residents of the town are now actually welcoming aliens and trying to get them to land in their humble Texan town. Folks, this is just plain dangerous. What happens if the aliens do land in Stephenville, do we really want people from a small Texas acting as ambassadors for the entire human race? Knowing them, they would probably think the aliens were messing with Texas and start and intergalatic war. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re rather tied up fighting other battles at the moment.

Stephenville must be stopped!

The Fantastic 4,000,000,000,000,000

Proving that no good comes of mixing space and bugs, the Russians have reported that cockroaches born in space are “faster and tougher than their terrestrial brethren.”

Theories for this disturbing development include developing in a zero-gravity environment or, like the Fantastic Four, exposure to space radiation.

To maintain superiority over all lower forms of animal life, we must ban all non-humans from spaceflight. To not do so will risk making our worst fears a reality.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians’

SANTA DOESN’T LIKE YOU AND HE’S A BAD, BAD MAN” month continues! Got your gravity boots on, kids? Get ’em strapped down tight and super-charged, ‘cuz we’re going on a fantastic trip through space, time, and imagination! That’s right, we’ll be visiting fantastic vistas from Santa’s North Pole Workshop all the way to a Fantastic Martian Toy Factory! We’ll see Earth kids meeting with Martian kids! Even a space-ship journey from Earth to Mars! It’s gonna be a humdinger, I tell ya! Watch out as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!

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Interstellar War on Animals

You wouldn’t really know it by the story, but aliens obviously hate animals as much as we do. A 1972 meteorite just happened to hit a cow in Venezuela, killing it. It’s the only known fatality from a meteor.

Anyone want to place bets it was some Martian sniper’s work? We all know cows have it coming to them. In any case, the meteorite sold for $1,554 at an auction recently, while others sold for hundreds of thousands. Clearly, the meteorite-bidding community has no sense of worth for such a precious artifact.

Halo 3 … for ye swabby!

In a bit of pirate-spirited irony for the stereotype, Bungie be putting out a jimmy hat to commemorate the release of their newst product, which sadly, be not a seagoing vessel, but a little thing called Halo.

Take heed, all: if ye be acquiring the Halo 3 Legendary edition, Halo 3 Game Fuel, Halo Actionclix and already preordered Halo Wars, there be a good chance that ye not be needing this to acquire this as well. If ye have done all of those, there probably not be many chances for you to use this treasure on the booty of a wench. YAR!

UFO’s terrorize British; British terrorize everyone else with their teeth

Apparently, UFO’s may or may not have terrorized a town recently. Sound like a bad July 4 based movie? Nah. Think more bad Sci-Fi channel premiere of the week. So, what do we know about what’s happened?

1. The only witnesses were people who were walking out of pubs.
2. The Weekly World News, the “world’s only reliable news paper”, is not behind the incident, as it’s too busy being closed by its parents.
3. Stratford-Upon-Avon contains no stars in its sky whatsoever. Except for four of them.

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Transformers’ (2007)

Some things to knock out first:

1. Happy birthday Sarah Spruill!
2. If you haven’t read my review from last week, then you should know in advance that I’m a total Transformers geek. As such, there is a bit of a bias with this review.
3. I also really like peanut butter.

With that out of the way, let the review for Transformers, the 2007 Bay-centric version, begin! By the way, there will probably be a few spoilers here and there, so heed that as the warning.

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Anglican Church will not support War on Aliens

Once the War on Animals is over, we can focus on the next threat to humanity: aliens. And we don’t mean the ones that are stealing our jobs over at

However, don’t look for support from the Church of England. They’re already protesting an early simulator that will train our youth into future Earth Warriors.

All we’re saying is don’t come asking for our nasty old guns to save your church when ET starts eating parishioners.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Slither’

An alien meteorite falls upon a small town and infects a man who can’t seem to showcase his love for his wife. The man slowly, but very surely, begins to turn into something that cannot be described other than to say a “really horrible monster but totally awesome effects”, and slowly infects other townspeople who all turn on the mayor, sheriff and others, who are attempting to escape and kill the lead infecter. Got all that? Great, now sit back and enjoy the show!

If you’ve seen any previews for Slither, directed by James Gunn, any pictures from some of its gross-out moments, you pretty much have a solid idea of what it’s all about: fun, horror and really gross stuff! If you enjoy those elements, as well as homages to cool horror flicks of the past, the typical 50s “small town” set-up, mixed in with some memorable dialog (with the best clearly being unprintable) and enjoy the acting stylings of Nathan Fillion, the great Michael Rooker and Gregg Henry, this film is sure to twinkle your horror toes, particularly if mutating monsters, slugs, zombies and really disgusting scenarios are your bag o’ chips. I got exactly what I thought I was going to get from this movie, and maybe a little more as I really didn’t think the effects would be as effective as they were (most of them are practical, as opposed to CGI) and the dialog was also a lot funnier than I expected. The film starts off with your typical small town set-up, establishing all of the characters slowly, but surely, and teasing us with some effects as the “alien” being lands in a field outside of town; however, once the extra-terrestrial being infects Rooker’s character, the fun really begins as he mutates and the fit hits the shan.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Slither’