Category: War on Education

| Filed under War on Education

Alabama to teachers: Keep it in your pants

It’s been a while since we had something in this category. Any teacher will tell you–whether you ask them or not–how tough their job is. They have to deal with children, and they have to resist the urge to put their hands on the teenagers they find themselves attracted to. Alabama wants to help.

The state legislature is considering a bill that would require teachers to, and this is true, take a training course on how to not have sex with students. They’re doing this because teachers in the state are having trouble keeping it in their pants. Just this month, there have been five arrests related to high school teachers getting it on with underage students.

Who knew Alabama students were so attractive?

| Filed under War on Education

The Ozzy Osbourne method of education

It’s not easy to reach children these days. They’re little assholes, and they think they know everything, and the education system fails to help. And that means it’s tough being a teacher. That’s why it’s important to shock the kids.

In South Korea, a brought a hamster into his classroom, then bit the hamster to death and swallowed it in front of his students to show how precious life is. Now, liberals may call this animal cruelty and emotionally scarring for the children, but we praise this teacher for going against the educational establishment.

We bet that class is quiet for him now.

| Filed under War on Education, What a Reach!

Because white people are dumb and easily confused

A Las Vegas woman has jumped into the spotlight because tourists are dumb. The owner of Isis Artistry, a makeup store, shares a name in common with the Islamic group. Because the memory of dumb people has only a four month capacity, people assume that the Isis in Isis Artistry is the same as ISIS.

As opposed to Isis.

Or Isis.

Or Isis.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Education

Sometimes a drunk teacher just wants food, OK?

It’s been a while since we’ve warned you about the dangers of education, but here’s a solid an example of why education should be abolished.

In California, three 17-year-olds were out driving around on a Saturday night when they saw one of their teachers standing on the side of the road. The teacher, John Edward Maust, 34, appeared to the students to be a bit tipsy. He asked for a ride. And at some point during the trip, he pulled a knife on his students and demanded they take him to a Jack-in-the-Box, according to police. Authorities say he fled the vehicle after one of the students dialed 911 and the teacher saw a police helicopter overhead.

That means they get A’s on their finals, right?

| Filed under War on Education

Learning the alphabet through pain

It seems that America has finally gotten serious about educating its youth. It’s cheap, it’s viral and it’s something kids actually want to do. As if on cue, educators have a problem with it.

It’s called the eraser game, and unlike other viral games these days, it doesn’t involve eating or drinking anything. All you have to do is rub an eraser on your skin while reciting the alphabet. When finished proving that he or she knows their ABCs, the student then shows the reddened skin, which sometimes bleeds.

This is proof that education, like the most visible scars on our bodies, is often self-inflicted.

| Filed under War on Education

Another example of creeping fascism in our schools

If you’re an avid reader of the comment sections on news stories, or just listen to AM radio, you know very well that the U.S. is going downhill fast, and it’s all thanks to the creeping socialism-fascism model that the so-called Democratic party has been implementing for the past four years. It’s getting to the point where moms are required to get pat-downs when they show up for parent-teacher conferences.

A Florida mom went to her child’s middle school for a meeting, and like any good parent, brought along a concealed firearm. A teacher alerted the school resource officer, and she was able to produce a concealed carry permit. Only thing is, apparently in the People’s Communist Republic of Florida, it’s not legal to carry a concealed weapon on school grounds, permit or no. Then, during a search of her purse, the officer found a stun gun, a baggie of white powder and a painkiller, as is her constitutional right.

To be fair, the teacher she was supposed to meet probably had way more drugs and weapons.

| Filed under War on Education

First two rules of Toddler Fight Club broken

Police shut down the Dover, Delaware chapter of Toddler Fight Club on Monday, arresting three “day care” workers for a video that shows them encouraging two toddlers to fight. While the first two rules are clear, the third rule of the aptly named Hands of Our Future Daycare is that there’s “no pinching, only punching.”

Upon graduation from TFC or death, every toddler is renamed Robert Paulsen.

| Filed under Pirates, War on Education

Profiles in bad parenting

High school is a rough time for most people. Unless you’re slutty or reasonably athletic, you’re just trying to get through the day and avoid any notice from your fellow students. One dad in Utah decided that being a sophomore in high school (in Utah, too) wasn’t hard enough.

He decided to, every morning, dress in a different costume and wave to his son’s bus as it passed by in the morning, humiliating his kid. The man, who for some reason named his son Rain, dressed up in 180 different costumes over the course of the school year, including a pirate, Michael Jackson (the white one, we assume), and a bride. In other news, this kid’s virginity is safe until college.

We’re not really sure about the source’s labeling of this “best prank ever,” It’s technically not even a prank, since the victim is not actually triggering the event itself.

| Filed under War on Education

No more pencils, no more tookuses

Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Mike Beebe, Arkansas’ long statewide nightmare is finally over.

Baggy pants are officially banned from public schools by law, which defines them as clothing that exposes the wearer’s underwear or buttocks.

A few critics in the state legislature that voted against it argued that the bill stymies students’ individual expression. Also, in its mere two days of enactment, the bill has resulted in higher water bills as all plumbers are now banned from approaching within 50 yards of a school zone.

| Filed under War on Education, What a Reach!

Much ado about nuttin’

Parents at Edgewater Elementary School, Florida, are mad as hell and they are not going to take it from a six-year-old first grader anymore!

The contentious little girl has a severe peanut allergy and refuses to not attend her taxpayer-funded public school. This decision has resulted in her classmates having to take special precautions so that she doesn’t die or have an equally-melodramatic anaphylactic incident.

The parents of other students want her gone because their children are now expected to:

  • Wash their hands before school and after lunch.
  • Rinse their mouths after eating.

Yes, basic sanitary practices would offend Floridians.