No more pencils, no more tookuses

Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Mike Beebe, Arkansas’ long statewide nightmare is finally over.

Baggy pants are officially banned from public schools by law, which defines them as clothing that exposes the wearer’s underwear or buttocks.

A few critics in the state legislature that voted against it argued that the bill stymies students’ individual expression. Also, in its mere two days of enactment, the bill has resulted in higher water bills as all plumbers are now banned from approaching within 50 yards of a school zone.

Much ado about nuttin’

Parents at Edgewater Elementary School, Florida, are mad as hell and they are not going to take it from a six-year-old first grader anymore!

The contentious little girl has a severe peanut allergy and refuses to not attend her taxpayer-funded public school. This decision has resulted in her classmates having to take special precautions so that she doesn’t die or have an equally-melodramatic anaphylactic incident.

The parents of other students want her gone because their children are now expected to:

  • Wash their hands before school and after lunch.
  • Rinse their mouths after eating.

Yes, basic sanitary practices would offend Floridians.

’80s nostalgia hits DC fourth graders

Four students from Washington, D.C. Thomson Elementary School were hospitalized for consuming an unknown quantity of cocaine while at school.

Nobody knows how one of the students obtained the coke, although it could have been one of those fabled free samples from the neighborhood dealer that D.A.R.E. warned us about. However, the four are reportedly fine and–aside from some sore throats–exhibited no other symptoms.

Oh, and they also:

  • wrote a screenplay for an action movie,
  • recorded a guitar-solo-heavy rock concept album about robots from the future,
  • talked to three women apiece (“eights” and above) about world piece
  • and invented a new type of calendar that replaces the leap year with a quarter day in February because your brain doesn’t move fast enough to interpret time in waves and rays.

Basically, what we’re saying is that cocaine is a hell of a drug.

See? This is why we pay them so little

Folks, teachers are bad–we all know that. They think they know everything, which is why they get to fill our kids’ heads with lies, that only can be undone with regular viewing of political pundits.

Apparently, they have the same problems in Europe. There, a mentally ill man from Northern Ireland was hired as a German teacher in France. This wouldn’t be anything bad, except for the fact that he one stabbed a coworker and was labeled a “dangerous schizophrenic” and escaped from a hospital.

Typically, you don’t see that on a resum√©.

What’s worse than commie porn?

As a class of young students at the vaguely Hitler-esque named Adolf Reichwein School learned: German commie porn!

Parents were stunned by pens donated by the German Communist Party that light up and project erotic images of women. And you know that if German parents are shocked, that these are some very disturbing erotic images, indeed!

Beware of Australo-fascists!

Something nefarious is happening in Australian schools.

Last week, Kalgoorlie-Boulder Community High School students were assigned a project–a terror project to be exact. The assignment was to plan a chemical and/or biological attack designed to inflict the most civilian deaths possible.

We took that news with a grain of salt because, if there’s one way to make sure teenagers don’t do something, it’s to assign it as schoolwork. (This is why we still haven’t read The Red Badge of Courage.)

But now–NOW–a Catholic school in Perth gave its top costume award to a nine- or ten-year-old boy dressed as Hitler!

We’re not saying it’s time to distrust all Australians in your midst as potential terror Nazis, just any that seem particularly interested in Hitler, terrorism, scapegoating and your television.

Hitler ruins yearbook, little mustaches

It’s been 70 years since World War II, and yet Adolf Hitler is still finding new things to ruin. Since his first blitzkrieg in the 1930s, he’s stolen the following from us:

  • Armbands.
  • Little mustaches, which really sucks for the facial hair-impaired.
  • That Hindu swastika thing.
  • Goose-steeping.
  • Speaking German passionately. (That’s why they’re all nihilists now.)

And now, we can add the 2010 Easton Area High School Yearbook.

Somehow, a quote from the worst person in human history was printed onto page 190 of their yearbook, and attributed by name, yet nobody knows how it happened. Some believe though that it was one of those rare full sentence typos because, as Christian Bardales put it: “Our diversity is very strong so I believe it was just a mistake.”

Oh yeah, Christian? If your diversity is so strong, then how come there aren’t any Nazis at your school?

Freshmen don’t know everything already?

College is about to begin, which means it’s time for the annual Beloit College Mindset List. Every year, Beloit College composes a list of technology, fads and people that incoming freshmen never learn about because high schools spend an entire month on the Civil War* and a week on everything after World War II.

This year’s freshmen, the Class of 2014, for instance doesn’t use email because it’s too slow and generally requires something more substantial to write about than today’s lunch. They also don’t know:

  • Snoop Dogg’s middle name (Doggy).
  • How Clint Eastwood’s “tour de force” as an old, violent racist gun nut in Gran Turino was just a reprisal of Dirty Harry where he didn’t have to run so much.
  • That communism was once an entrenched and very real threat hiding behind a wall in Berlin, not just the side effect of Glenn Beck’s masturbation guilt today.
  • That Band-Aids were once only sold in a universal peach-colored shade that matched everyone’s skin. Now they have to prove that Band-Aids are for everyone–black, white or green–by selling black, white and green ones.

Good luck with this bunch, professors.


*A whole month, yet they never learn it was about slavery.

Just the outcome you’d expect

The descendants of legendary Apache, Geronimo, found out what happens when you sue a notorious secret society that has included two of the last four presidents in its ranks: the case never makes it to trial.

The family attempted to sue Skull and Bones, Yale University for the theft of Geronimo’s remains. They were rumored to have been stolen by Prescott Bush and later used by his son, George H.W. Bush, and grandson, George W. Bush, to snort various drugs and do things that aren’t necessarily gay if you’re wearing a cowl and will one day rule the world.

Unfortunately, Judge Richard Roberts dismissed the suit because the world’s most famous Native American doesn’t count as a Native American artifact because he was “excavated or discovered before 1990.” (Which seems to imply that the theft of a federal grave equals “excavation or discovery.”)

This leaves Geronimo’s family one option: body raid at Yale!

Hey! Teacher! Let them sleep it off!

A study by Dr. Robert Vorona, a sleep medicine professor at Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk, Va., suggests that teen drivers get into more accidents the earlier they wake up. He suggests opening high schools later in the day to resolve this problem.

Finally, somebody gets it. If you don’t want teens on the road when they’re still drunk, let them sleep it off a little longer.

This plan is a win-win:

1. The teens get to tie one on and still graduate, and

2. Only the teacher’s lounge will still smell like gin.