Freshmen don’t know everything already?

College is about to begin, which means it’s time for the annual Beloit College Mindset List. Every year, Beloit College composes a list of technology, fads and people that incoming freshmen never learn about because high schools spend an entire month on the Civil War* and a week on everything after World War II.

This year’s freshmen, the Class of 2014, for instance doesn’t use email because it’s too slow and generally requires something more substantial to write about than today’s lunch. They also don’t know:

  • Snoop Dogg’s middle name (Doggy).
  • How Clint Eastwood’s “tour de force” as an old, violent racist gun nut in Gran Turino was just a reprisal of Dirty Harry where he didn’t have to run so much.
  • That communism was once an entrenched and very real threat hiding behind a wall in Berlin, not just the side effect of Glenn Beck’s masturbation guilt today.
  • That Band-Aids were once only sold in a universal peach-colored shade that matched everyone’s skin. Now they have to prove that Band-Aids are for everyone–black, white or green–by selling black, white and green ones.

Good luck with this bunch, professors.


*A whole month, yet they never learn it was about slavery.

Just the outcome you’d expect

The descendants of legendary Apache, Geronimo, found out what happens when you sue a notorious secret society that has included two of the last four presidents in its ranks: the case never makes it to trial.

The family attempted to sue Skull and Bones, Yale University for the theft of Geronimo’s remains. They were rumored to have been stolen by Prescott Bush and later used by his son, George H.W. Bush, and grandson, George W. Bush, to snort various drugs and do things that aren’t necessarily gay if you’re wearing a cowl and will one day rule the world.

Unfortunately, Judge Richard Roberts dismissed the suit because the world’s most famous Native American doesn’t count as a Native American artifact because he was “excavated or discovered before 1990.” (Which seems to imply that the theft of a federal grave equals “excavation or discovery.”)

This leaves Geronimo’s family one option: body raid at Yale!

Hey! Teacher! Let them sleep it off!

A study by Dr. Robert Vorona, a sleep medicine professor at Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk, Va., suggests that teen drivers get into more accidents the earlier they wake up. He suggests opening high schools later in the day to resolve this problem.

Finally, somebody gets it. If you don’t want teens on the road when they’re still drunk, let them sleep it off a little longer.

This plan is a win-win:

1. The teens get to tie one on and still graduate, and

2. Only the teacher’s lounge will still smell like gin.

The birds and the teens

As providers of news and entertainment, The Guys listen good and hard when it comes to your tastes. In that vein, we bring you TEENAGE SEX!

Talk dirty to them
A New York City judge ruled that it was wrong for the Department of Education to suspend a sex education teacher for using vulgar terms in class. In the reading of his decision, Judge Jack Weinstein said, “At least she didn’t f#@k them.”

That’s a wrap
Washington, D.C. officials are now giving out bigger condoms to high school and college students after receiving complaints that the previous ones were too small and brittle. The male students are happier, adding that now they just need to find people to have sex with their “giant monster dongs.”

Down with the racist youth

If there’s one thing The Guys hate, it’s animals. But if we could choose another thing to hate, we’d say racism. We hate any white devil who doesn’t see people of different colors as their equal. This is why we have to deal with the issue of children.

According to a study, most white kids are biased toward lighter skinned people, the same is true to a lesser extent with African-American kids. Why are our kids so racist? Really, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we eliminate children from our society, because their time for preaching hate is over. We need to start picketing outside classrooms, protesting them at their homes, and even deny them cookies as punishment.

The future is too important to leave in the hands of a child.

Stop thinking about the children

It’s over. It’s all over.

All the illusions of “school life” that have been built up in the fragile psyche of those that love Japan have now been shattered, as the traditions and strictures of school no longer match those of Japan’s reality.

Accordingly, an increasing number of public and private middle schools have begun switching their school terms to a semestral system instead of the traditional trimestral system. For students, that means ten to fifteen more school hours in a term, and teachers are more free to deal with their classes rather than prepare report cards. That’s a lot of school.

It’s over.

Now, I was lucky enough to graduate from my podunk little high school (“What high school did you go to?” “Culpeper.” “Where’s that?” “Culpeper.”) before they began the switch to block scheduling. As such, all I know of is the period system, and as such, I know not of these new-fangled academic systems that schools these days use. But this system? It just sounds rough.

Animals buttering us up for offensive

The military is concerned about fat, and with today’s national security concerns, they should be. Because animals won’t rest until you, your family and everyone you know is fat, slow and delicious.

Retired U.S. military officers are recommending that Congress regulate and spend more on school lunches. They cite an increased problem with turning away rising numbers of obese recruits. And they believe that school lunches, high in grease, fat and soda are the culprit.

We all know where school lunches come from, people: animals. From the Salisbury steak to the bacon bits in the green beans to paste in kindergarten class, animals are fattening themselves up on hormones and protein to disable our fighting men and women.

But that’s not all: animals are also trying to curb our exercise.

Water aerobics classes in Darwin, Australia are canceled until a crocodile leaves the pool or at least promises not to eat anyone. Without water aerobics, how will Australia’s military get into shape? HOW?

Prom rescheduled due to drinking problem

Finally realizing that the prom was cutting into students’ weekend drinking hours, New York’s Pearl River High School moved the alcohol-free event to weeknights.

Thanks to the rescheduling, students will no longer be forced to make late night trips to the Jersey Shore or Manhattan night clubs, but can instead now start drinking at Happy Hour rates like normal human beings.

School officials are so impressed with their accommodation skills that they may also permit alcoholic students to skip graduation, which gives them more tailgating time during the long, arduous ceremony.

Supreme Court doesn’t care about your graduation

The U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear the case of Nurre v. Whitehead. The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that it was OK for a Washington high school to not let a graduating senior perform an instrumental version of “Ave Maria” during her commencement.

Kathryn Nurre, the aggrieved senior, sued the school for violation of her First Amendment right to A) turn the graduation ceremony into a Catholic mass and B) lengthen the already long ceremony of reading names while everyone’s buzz wears off.

While the court declined the case without comment, that didn’t stop Justice Samuel “Not True” Alito from saying he would have heard it.

While it is hunky-doory for public schools to cover the students’ selection of clothes to express themselves, Alito worries that banning poorly performed hymnals could lead to a slippery slope of further censorship at school events, like of speeches.

New study reveals teens still lie about sex

So, in spite of rising STD and pregnancy rates, a new study claims that abstinence-only education is “working.”

If you’re anything like the Guys, you’re probably wondering, “How is that working?” Because the study moved the goalposts.

The success of abstinence-only education is now based on how many teens have sex afterwards. You know, because it’s OK if less teens have more babies and genital warts.

It may be like saying that there’s less overall crime, but there’s more rape and murder than ever. But at least we finally got littering under control!