The Daily Show has traditionally closed its shows with a piece called “Your moment of zen.”
Say hello to your moment of weeping for the future. God forbid the kids actually learn what it is from a source that doesn’t imply rightness or wrongness, but instead just gives them the non-titillating facts. Or pictures of old people wearing rapist glasses. Watch out National Geographic, you might be next!
School administrators are outraged–OUTRAGED–that a choral director took 40 of her high school students to Hooters.
To be honest, we’re a little disappointed, too. Those students get to see enough tight t-shirts and low self-esteem in class. The least she could do is take them where they could actually see some tits.
In other news, teachers are still allowed to take students to symphony orchestra performances that feature pianists, tromboners and xylophone sex operators. (What? That’s what they’re called!)
According to the headlines,* President Barack Obama gave a very controversial speech today.
Rather than encouraging non-voters to support health care or elect more socialists this November, he had the audacity to encourage them to work hard in school this year and make good grades.
Great, just what white America needs: more minority presidents in the future.
*Note: At the time of publication, the headline was “President Obama delivers controversial speech.”
Look, we hate pissing all over someone else’s linguistics work, especially when they’re pointing 0ut an overused and subsequently undervalued word. Frequent readers of this site may be familiar with my own work in this field, “Cleaning Out the Language Gutters.”
And that’s not to say that John Blake of CNN wasn’t on the right path, but it’s hard to argue why a word is frequently used in inappropriate situations since he never bothered to define that word.
So, congratulations, John: from your hamfisted examples of Barack Obama using the word, to quotes from jackoffs realizing their “problem” and an O.J. Simpson reference, you absolutely dropped the ball on this one.
Attention Tennessee college students: your state government would like to remind you that it is illegal to download copyrighted material without the permission of the owner. All that music and movies you’ve been stealing? Yeah, the state’s not gonna tolerate that kind of bamboozling any further.
And by the state not tolerating, they mean that your school is not gonna tolerate it and will install effective countermeasures on their networks to curb all illegal file transfers.
SG does not have the details on each school’s plan, but suggests you talk to the underpaid — with $600 semester book bills — student IT staff members who will be in charge of creating RIAA-friendly filters.
Side Note:
You know who never gets government protection from piracy? Porn. What’s up with that?
Ever notice that college is just like religion? They both claim that you’re better off financially if you attend them, but they’re always hounding you for money after you leave.
Yep, despite housing the greatest business and financial minds in their teaching faculties, colleges are horrible with money. But that’s how it’s always been.
However, you know things are bad when your school’s letters for alumni handouts sound like your own undergrad calls home:
“With the recent economic downturn and loan crisis, it has become even more important for Framingham State College to receive your support. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah …”
… which went on and on 113 more times and was signed by Framingham State College’s alumni association president.
Anyway, alumni were angered, the school had to make apologies–yadda yadda yadda–your degree from FSC became worthless because of a slow news cycle and even slower communications department.
Animals. It seems as if not one day goes by where we’re not having to deal with our age old enemies in this eons long war. What lengths will they not go to? Legal battles? Zombies? Suicide attacks? Well, now they’re attempting yet a new focus in the war: they’re combining one war with another. Yes, they’ve now engaged in the war on education. How so?
Recently, a museum (you know, the things that are very good at educating the masses covertly) had to be closed after it was invaded. By rabbits. As in, the furry little things that go hop-hop-hop-copulate-hop-hop-hop-copulate-copulate-copulate-hop. In fact, the invasion was so bad that they museum will have to be closed from now until November 16. That’s a long time to put a stop to education, people!
“The current population is so large that it threatens to permanently damage the island’s sensitive vegetation, and poses a serious threat to other fauna species,”
No sense of respect. No sense of decency. They probably fornicated in the lobby. Have you no shame, animals?
Over the years, many tools have been used to educate the masses. Books. Pamphlets. Videos. Mascots. Concerts. Now, we get to add another aspect into such an honored group. A gathering of people in the Ukraine has been passing out fake Euro bills with just the most adorable little prostitutes cleverly hidden in the design, all in the hopes of educating women so that they won’t choose to become that which is on their fake money.
Seriously. The unnamed group (though it could be understood if one thought the group in question was the Ukranian government) is attempting to end the illegal tactic of prostitution through the use of illegal counterfeit Euros. Wrap your head around that while realizing that in Europe, apparently, two wrongs do make a right.
The latest health crisis to hit our elementary schools? Flavored cigarettes.
With menthol no longer moving cartons, tobacco companies are luring in new smokers with flavors like cocoa, honey, vanilla and licorice. Doesn’t sound too bad, right?
Think again.
When you burn cocoa, it turns into bromine gas, which will kill you!*
The moral of this story is simple, parents: when you put your kids on cigarettes, for diet and/or self-esteem reasons, make sure it’s a good clean American smoke.
Stay away from the fruity flavors; they’re counterproductive, anyway, if your kid’s trying to look cool.
*Very slowly because it “dilates and anesthetizes the lungs, maximizing their absorption of smoke and nicotine.”
Way back in June, I looked at a number of misconceptions out there and explained why they were wrong. These were brief, yet concise pockets of correctness that should have solved all of the stupid around me.
Alas, I’ve just found more conventional “wisdoms” that boggle the mind. (Go figure, it’s an election year.)
So, sit down, shut off that damn music and pay attention. You should only have to read this article once, because I’m not kicking your brain any more than I have to. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2
