Category: Tokyoh-no!

| Posted in Facepalm, Tokyoh-no!

Less ‘dun-dun-dun-DUUUUUN,’ more ‘wah wah wah … waaaaah’

Deaf people don't typically wear sunglasses indoors. Just sayin', Japan.
Deaf people don’t typically wear sunglasses indoors. Just sayin’, Japan.

Hey, did you hear the one about the deaf composer in Japan? Turns out he did, too.

Mamoru Samuragochi was celebrated in Japan as their Beethoven … up until last week when he was forced to admit that he did not, in fact, compose all of his music.

And after everyone said, “Wait, you heard us discussing your credibility as a musician?” he put a cone to his ear and said, “WHAT?” He later admitted this week that he can kind of hear and that said crappy hearing is sort of, maybe … getting better.

Get ready for next week’s big Samuragochi announcement: “You guys! I can totally hear everything now! It’s a miracle! Send money and boobs so that I can finally hear them in stunning 1080p Hobbit sound!”

| Posted in Booze News, Tokyoh-no!

Surprisingly, Hello Kitty beer isn’t the manliest brew

If it involves Japan, the news has to be pretty weird. We’ve seen this recently. But it’s looking increasingly like the weirdness is spreading. After all, there’s a Hello Kitty plane making flights throughout Asia.

And what do you drink on a Hello Kitty plane when you need to get a good buzz going? Hello Kitty beer, of course. If that gets you excited, just wait until you hear the flavors. Lemon-lime, banana, passion fruit and more! Sounds like a 12-year-old’s dream.

If for some reason you’re still on board with this, we’ve got bad news for you: the alcohol content is about half of the more popular beers here in the U.S. Weighing in at 2.8% alcohol by volume at its very best, you might as well just order an O’Doul’s and add a splash of fruit juice to it.

| Posted in Tokyoh-no!

Japan’s Olympics are already getting weird

Before it was even announced that the 2020 Olympic Games will be held in Tokyo, the games had already gotten, well, Japanese.

Yasuo Hazaki, a media studies professor, wants to see hide-and-seek included as an Olympic sport. He even leads a committee promoting the sport in Japan, and he’s got 1,000 members with him. Let that sink in. Now, let’s hear Hazaki’s argument.

When you watch sport now, it’s all about world-beating techniques and skills – fantastic dribbling, running or shooting skills in football, for example. … Hide-and-seek is a sport that anybody can play, from children as young as 4 years old to someone who is in their 80s.

And there’s nothing eyebrow raising about an old man playing hide-and-seek with little kids.

| Posted in Facepalm, Tokyoh-no!

Smart toilet technology predicatably bites us in the ass

"The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain!"
“The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain!”

If the world is Oz, then the Japanese are collectively the Wizard, and they will give a brain to just about anything these days. Unfortunately, it looks like making the toilet “smart” was a bad idea.

The Satis smart toilet has an automated lid, bidet functions, sounds, air freshening and a spotlight for appraising your work afterwards. (Considering that it costs over $4000, it makes sense that the person who owns one would believe that their dumps are Instagram-worthy. We recommend the Hudson filter.)

But, because it’s hardwired with Bluetooth (… really?), it’s also vulnerable to hacking. So, if your toilet starts acting up, there’s a good chance that it’s just someone who knows to spend their money on computer hardware instead of toiletry screwing around with you.

Or, if you don’t have a smart toilet, then it’s definitely the hand monster waiting inside.

| Posted in Tokyoh-no!

Being a dancing fool possibly a crime in Japan

There’s a horribly hackneyed and trite phrase that says, “Dance like no one’s looking.” This phrase was clearly invented by someone that has never been to the land of the rising sun, as it is now (possibly and potentially) against the law to dance in Japan.

According to an old and usually unenforced law (there’s one in every city), the police are able to shut down nightclubs that lack a dancing license. (Yes, that is apparently a thing.) And, boy howdy, have the poh-leese of Jah-pan been exercising this right.

On Sunday morning at 2am police officers raided the 500-capacity club [Roppongi's Vanity] and arrested three staff members on suspicion of allowing unlicensed dancing.

People, Glorious Nippon has officially turned into the town from Footloose.

| Posted in Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Tokyoh-no!

My Little Mecha

Does your child have dreams of stomping over the neighbors? Does tiny Zack yearn for a better day when crushing your enemies means hitting them with a drill hand? Does little Sally absolutely love the color green? Are you rich?

Why wait for Christmas to make their dreams come true? 20 large can enable many a lawsuit.

| Posted in Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, It Must Be Science!, Tokyoh-no!, War on Robots

Cyberdyne and HAL: two great tastes in robotics to destroy humanity

We’ve talked about Cyberdyne, the Japanese company of the future present, before here on SG. It’s been quite some time since their name was uttered on our website, but it seems they’re at it again.

What was once used exclusively for old people is now being sent in the direction of disaster response: specifically for first responders of nuclear accidents.

Somehow, using HAL suits manufactured by Cyberdyne for nuclear matters makes the science nerd in cringe and fear for the future.

| Posted in Tokyoh-no!

Guinness doesn’t care about Japan’s largest toilet, maybe thinks it’s crappy?

Get ready for some time travel style reporting.

Dateline, May 2012: We at SeriouslyGuys broke to you, our loyal audience, news full of not corn and nuts, but of Japan’s decision to make the largest toilet in the world. Women would be able to pay for the privilege in peeing in a clear box. So far, nothing out of the norm for Japan.

Dateline, 2013: The world’s largest toilet is opened in Ichihara. Or is it?

Dateline, October 2012: Guinness World Records decides to pass on judging the world’s largest toilet, citing their lack of interest in the matter. This is a little important for the project as Guinness’s seal of approval is needed for the title. Ichihara cares not, stating that they’ll continue with the costly art project. Meanwhile, male Japanese bladders continue to suffer.

| Posted in Tokyoh-no!, War on Animals

Time to bust some puffs

Late last week, some mysterious crop circles appeared in Japan. And by Japan, I mean underwater crop circles off the coast of Japan. WoooOOOOOooOOOOoooOOOOooo. Does this mean that deep in the dark waters, aliens visited and made elaborate patterns as signals for target strike zones? Were they created by some Lovecraftian monstrosity?

Nope. Turns out it was just a male pufferfish.

A Japanese television film crew discovered that a single, solitary pufferfish created the entire design. All in the hopes of getting laid. Presumably. You see, our scientists tell us that reason, but how do we know that it’s not actually a signal from the pufferfish to their animal brethren to commit a horrible atrocity? We just can’t trust them. The safest and most reasonable course of action is to eliminate those beasts and with haste.