Next fad: police vs. samurai
Posted on August 18, 2010
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Some people don’t like cops, that is a given fact. Normal folks take their violent fantasies of debauchery and vile behavior to Grand Theft Auto style video games, however, one man decided to take his anger out another way. Recently, a young man attacked a police officer with a Japanese samurai sword in central Tokyo in broad daylight. He managed to slice off the left thumb of the officer before he was subdued by other officers. As of now, there is no motive of his actions, he either just wanted to try out his newly purchased sword or he was just a psycho. Whichever the case, he was arrested for attempted murder and possession of, well, you know … a samurai sword. Which is apparently a crime.
The attacker is in his mid-twenties and it seems he isn’t connected to any political organizations. What we do know is the sword had a blade about 70 centimeters long, which is more than enough length to bring ultimate doom to coppers.
Kids, avoid sharp objects, don’t use drugs, stay in school, eat your vegetables and only use the power of a samurai sword for good.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorOld people are Japan’s missing resource
Posted on August 13, 2010
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Japan is unable to determine the whereabouts of 105 centenarians living in Kobe, including their oldest woman at the age of 125. Whoopsidoodle. An additional 22 geezers over the age of 100 have not used medical and nursing care insurance intended for those over the age of 75.
If this wasn’t bad enough, these are just the findings of Kobe, located in Hyogo Prefecture. There are still 88 more coffin-dodgers in 20 prefectures who are unaccounted for. The municipal goverments have been aware of these missing centenarians after home visits in the past, but did not include their absence in reports to the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry.
Kobe officials plan to visit the residences of its 105 missing centenarians and the 22 who aren’t using their insurance to verify what the hell is going on with them. They note that Japan’s oldest woman has an address listed that has been a park since 1981, which implies that maybe they bulldozed over her house when they fixed up the area as a park.
Congratulations Japan. You’ve got some of the oldest senior citizens in the world, and now it’s like some alien conspiracy zapped them all away. I mean, the worst that we usually do is misplace our sandals. But human beings? Wowie zowie.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorOld, female and Japanese
Posted on July 30, 2010
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These are apparently the key traits to living a long life. It’s been recently reported that Japanese women had the longest life expectancy in the world for the 25th straight year in 2009, with an average life span of 86.44 years. That’s a lot of years! Japanese men, being no slouches themselves, saw their average life expectancy register a record high with 79.59 years.
Average lifespans increased from 2008 by 0.39 year for Japanese women and 0.30 year for Japanese men. So what is their secret? Less air pollution? Healthier routine of constant anime watching while consuming large amounts of organic ramen noodles? Not even close. Turns out the medical advancements in Japan are just a wee bit more efficient than in the United States. It seems that while the U.S. puts their focus on TV doctors who pop Vicodin and have snarky sarcastic comebacks, Japan has improved treatment of the three major causes of death among Japanese (cancer, cardiac disorders and strokes) well as pneumonia.
Unless an influenza epidemic breaks out, expect for Japanese people to continue living longer each year. We can only hope that Doctor Cox would be behind such a brilliant plan.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorJapan-land of the rising temperature
Posted on July 27, 2010
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You think it’s hot here in the good ol’ US of A, especially in the northeast? Then don’t move to Japan. It’s really hot there, among all its usually quirky weird people oddities.
Sunday, twenty-two people died and fourteen were injured in water and mountain related activities, as people were trying to beat the heat with some fun. Some of those deaths include people suffering from heat stroke. Man, the land of the rising sun really loves killing old people. Three people in Saitama, and one each in Chiba, Nara, Hyogo prefectures died of heat stroke, or what authorities believed to be so. Apparently, that’s what happens when the mercury rises above 35C (95F) in a vast area of the country (which is still slightly cooler than my neck of the woods)
Fourteen people died in water related accidents, and among those injured, six were in water related accidents, and eight were involved in mountain accidents, including one 39-year-old man who was mauled by a bear in Yamanashi prefecture.
My advice to you people of Japan is this: shun that evil master, the sun, and stay inside. Avoid personal contact among people outside of your residence. It may be the only way to survive.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorHippy gets lucky
Posted on July 8, 2010
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The controversy over whaling practices are a big deal in Japan, and around the world. But one New Zealand protester took things to the extreme, and now he’ll be serving jail time for it-but not enough of it. Peter Bethune, 45, was accused of trespassing, forcible obstruction of business, assault, property destruction, and violating the firearms and swords control law.
Bethune pleaded guilty to four out of five charges, with the exception of the assault charge, as he claimed it was never his intent to hurt anyone. Bethune allegedly worked with members of the Sea Shepard Conservation Society, and launched a bottle of butyric acid onto the deck of the Shonan Maru No.2, the security escort ship for the fleet, on February 11. On February 15, Bethune cut the ship’s net with a knife and boarded the Shonan Maru No.2.
Apparently, due to admitting his guilt in most of the charges and expressing “deep regret” for his actions, Bethune’s prison sentence was suspended from five years down to two. That’s essentially a slap on the wrist and weird math.
I’m all for protesting for most things that make sense, but once you get to the point where you’re launching acid, and boarding ships with knives, then yeah, you probably deserve to go to jail. Or become a pirate. Whichever comes first.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorAnother one bites the dust
Posted on June 3, 2010
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Yukio Hatoyama is OUTTA HE-AH. Japan has managed to lose yet another Prime Minister fall after less than a year of service. Ever since Junichiro Koizumi, no man seems to be able to stand up to the challenges of managing the Japanese government.
Eight months since sweeping into office under the notion of “hope” and “change” from the Liberal Democratic Party (boy, that sounds vaguely familiar), the Democratic Party of Japan quickly quagmired itself on issue after issue, the most contentious internationally being the relocation of the Futenma base in Okinawa. Domestically, Hatoyama’s reign was cut off at the knees thanks to a number of corruption scandals and the DPJ’s shadow leader, Ichiro Ozawa. Squabbles were constant and the jaded public didn’t seem to care about that-but all the hope and change that was promised was not getting done.
Hatoyama said:
“Unfortunately, the politics of the ruling party did not find reflection in the hearts of the people. It is regrettable that the people were gradually unwilling to listen to us.”
The party plans to meet on Friday to choose a new Prime Minister, since the DPJ still holds a commanding lead in the Diet. Naoto Kan, the Finance Minister, and Katsuya Okada, the Foreign Minister, are the front-runners for the post. I’d personally like to voice my decision to nominate myself as Prime Minister of Crazy Stuff Land.
It’s not like I’d be any worse of a choice. Plus, my hair is a lot better than Hatoyama’s.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorThriller night
Posted on May 25, 2010
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Hey guys, we’re only a month away from the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death! You know what that mean, more news about Michael Jackson!
How do you plan to spend the anniversary? Are you going to record a kooky video of you and your inmate friends doing the Thriller dance? Perhaps if you’re not incarcerated, you would be interested in going to Tokyo and spending all night with some of Jacko’s junk (we mean his possessions, perverts).
A few hundred thousand fans will be able to spend an entire night among the Neverland Collection at Tokyo Tower. Tickets further profiting from Jackson’s death are going fast!
Written by Bryan McBournieLove is on the rails, every where and every town
Posted on May 21, 2010
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Where to you go to meet potential lovers? The club? The mall? Furry conventions? How about the train? That could actually work if you were to ride on the JR East’s Koumi line in Japan.
There’s one train car that is actually hosting a singles event! Singles aged 25 to 40 will board the fancy hybrid train that passes along the scenic Yatsugatake mountains, going from Kobuchizawa Station in Yamanashi Prefecture to Komoro Station in Nagano Prefecture and back again, giving guys and gals plenty of time (4.5 hours) to mingle and make a connection. It’s quite literally speed dating.
“Guy and girl train enthusiasts, get together on Japan’s most fun train!” says an enthusiastic Sumio Taga, the organizer of the event.
With Japan’s rich and stereotypical history of men and the train system, that doesn’t sound creepy at all!
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorRobot love
Posted on May 18, 2010
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Japan was once an empire, then we nuked them and they became our allies. They went through an industrial revolution and subsequently went nutso. (There! Now you don’t have to read that history of Japan.) This is especially true when it comes to love.
First, a man was allowed to marry a cartoon character. Now, a couple (who physically exist in real life) were married by a robot. The happy couple agreed to a ceremony officiated by an I-Fairy, which is not, in fact, a Pokemon. It’s actually a robot that apparently is also a justice of the peace.
We are only steps away from having robots that we can have divorce us. Progress!
Written by Bryan McBournieBlowing sweet CHOO-CHOO’s in your ear
Posted on May 6, 2010
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Remember the days when Japanese bullet trains and subway lines were nothing but non-stop grope fests? Yeah, I know, those days aren’t exactly over, but I’d like to believe that recent laws and the international attention its received has helped pressure Japanese authorities into doing something about it.
Yeah, maybe not so much. A JR West employee was recently arrested on his way to work after a woman’s husband caught the guy blowing into her ear. While that might not be enough to get your arrested in America, perhaps just a stern warning, the Japanese prefectural nuisance laws aren’t as forgiving.
The husband apprehended the guy and handed him over to the police. Naturally, he denied it, but somehow I doubt that defense is going to hold up, especially considering the attention these nuisance laws have garnered in recent years. Granted, trains are sometimes crowded, but blowing in someones ear? Talk about creepy. Now, if only there was a law for close-talkers.
That’s right, I’m talking about you.
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor keep looking ยป