Hey, did you hear the one about the deaf composer in Japan? Turns out he did, too.
Mamoru Samuragochi was celebrated in Japan as their Beethoven … up until last week when he was forced to admit that he did not, in fact, compose all of his music.
And after everyone said, “Wait, you heard us discussing your credibility as a musician?” he put a cone to his ear and said, “WHAT?” He later admitted this week that he can kind of hear and that said crappy hearing is sort of, maybe … getting better.
Get ready for next week’s big Samuragochi announcement: “You guys! I can totally hear everything now! It’s a miracle! Send money and boobs so that I can finally hear them in stunning 1080p Hobbit sound!”
If it involves Japan, the news has to be pretty weird. We’ve seen this recently. But it’s looking increasingly like the weirdness is spreading. After all, there’s a Hello Kitty plane making flights throughout Asia.
And what do you drink on a Hello Kitty plane when you need to get a good buzz going? Hello Kitty beer, of course. If that gets you excited, just wait until you hear the flavors. Lemon-lime, banana, passion fruit and more! Sounds like a 12-year-old’s dream.
If for some reason you’re still on board with this, we’ve got bad news for you: the alcohol content is about half of the more popular beers here in the U.S. Weighing in at 2.8% alcohol by volume at its very best, you might as well just order an O’Doul’s and add a splash of fruit juice to it.
Before it was even announced that the 2020 Olympic Games will be held in Tokyo, the games had already gotten, well, Japanese.
Yasuo Hazaki, a media studies professor, wants to see hide-and-seek included as an Olympic sport. He even leads a committee promoting the sport in Japan, and he’s got 1,000 members with him. Let that sink in. Now, let’s hear Hazaki’s argument.
When you watch sport now, it’s all about world-beating techniques and skills – fantastic dribbling, running or shooting skills in football, for example. … Hide-and-seek is a sport that anybody can play, from children as young as 4 years old to someone who is in their 80s.
And there’s nothing eyebrow raising about an old man playing hide-and-seek with little kids.
If the world is Oz, then the Japanese are collectively the Wizard, and they will give a brain to just about anything these days. Unfortunately, it looks like making the toilet “smart” was a bad idea.
The Satis smart toilet has an automated lid, bidet functions, sounds, air freshening and a spotlight for appraising your work afterwards. (Considering that it costs over $4000, it makes sense that the person who owns one would believe that their dumps are Instagram-worthy. We recommend the Hudson filter.)
But, because it’s hardwired with Bluetooth (… really?), it’s also vulnerable to hacking. So, if your toilet starts acting up, there’s a good chance that it’s just someone who knows to spend their money on computer hardware instead of toiletry screwing around with you.
Or, if you don’t have a smart toilet, then it’s definitely the hand monster waiting inside.
There’s a horribly hackneyed and trite phrase that says, “Dance like no one’s looking.” This phrase was clearly invented by someone that has never been to the land of the rising sun, as it is now (possibly and potentially) against the law to dance in Japan.
According to an old and usually unenforced law (there’s one in every city), the police are able to shut down nightclubs that lack a dancing license. (Yes, that is apparently a thing.) And, boy howdy, have the poh-leese of Jah-pan been exercising this right.
On Sunday morning at 2am police officers raided the 500-capacity club [Roppongi's Vanity] and arrested three staff members on suspicion of allowing unlicensed dancing.
People, Glorious Nippon has officially turned into the town from Footloose.
Does your child have dreams of stomping over the neighbors? Does tiny Zack yearn for a better day when crushing your enemies means hitting them with a drill hand? Does little Sally absolutely love the color green? Are you rich?
Late last week, some mysterious crop circles appeared in Japan. And by Japan, I mean underwater crop circles off the coast of Japan. WoooOOOOOooOOOOoooOOOOooo. Does this mean that deep in the dark waters, aliens visited and made elaborate patterns as signals for target strike zones? Were they created by some Lovecraftian monstrosity?
A Japanese television film crew discovered that a single, solitary pufferfish created the entire design. All in the hopes of getting laid. Presumably. You see, our scientists tell us that reason, but how do we know that it’s not actually a signal from the pufferfish to their animal brethren to commit a horrible atrocity? We just can’t trust them. The safest and most reasonable course of action is to eliminate those beasts and with haste.
Oh, whoops, we got our T’s and R’s confused. Well, nonetheless, the mountain named Gregor CleganeFuji is close to erupting. So, those planning on traveling to Japan, you might want to speed up those plans. But don’t worry, scientists and vulcanologists (the mortal enemy of Tony Kornheiser) are pretty optimistic about everything:
Japanese scientists are warning that the country’s famed Mount Fuji could be on the verge of a catastrophic eruption. Volcanologist have discovered that the pressure in the volcano’s magma chamber is higher than it was the last time Fuji erupted in 1707. The pressure is measured in megapascals, and researchers say recent readings show the chamber hitting a level of 1.6; pressure readings of 0.1 megapascals are enough to trigger an eruption. Scientists say the March 2011 earthquake that caused a massive tsunami has been one factor in putting increased pressure on the chamber. Government estimates say an eruption could result in more than 300,000 deaths as well as cause up to $30 billion in damage.