Houston, we have a drinking problem

Fortunately, NASA has official handlers to bring more enthusiastic booze scientists home.
Fortunately, NASA has official handlers to bring more … enthusiastic booze scientists home.

Japan’s space program may not get as much attention as ours or the Russians’, but, brother, do they have their interstellar priorities straight. And by “straight,” we mean straight whisky.

Japanese distillery Suntory plans to send five kinds of whiskey, as well as a 40% ethanol, to the International Space Station to see how they mature in microgravity. There, the booze will embark on a several year mission to seek out more complicated tones and potentially mellower flavors, to boldly nose like they have not nosed before. NASA officials and Suntory spokespeople did not mention whether they believe exposure to cosmic rays will make the whiskies more fantastic like the Fantastic Four or just become a lot of empty marketing for something ultimately flavorless like the Fantastic Four movies.

The Guys definitely need to book a flight to the ISS soon. According to our reporting all the way back in 2008, Japanese brewery Sapporo has already experimented with hops grown on the station. Put Suntory whisky and Sapporo together, and you’ve got yourself some torpedo bomber shots.

Newborn macaque already brings great shame, dishonor to Japan

In related news, Hanna-Barbera has some apology hams to mail out to both England and Japan.
In related news, Hanna-Barbera has some apology hams to mail out to both England and Japan.

We already know that when it comes to our foes in the War on Animals, they have no regard for decency and lines that should not be crossed, even in war. So, it’s no surprise to The Guys that a newborn macaque hit the British royal family’s newest, youngest member in direct violation of the Geneva Convention and all we hold dear. (Wealthy, inbred white people. That’s what we hold dear.)

The newborn macaque had the gall to be named Charlotte by zookeepers — who we suspect of holding animal-loving sympathies — mere days after Princess Charlotte was born to Prince William and Princess Kate, may they forever reign over Welshmen and unlimited balance credit cards. It didn’t take long for human supporters of the divine right of people kings to take the zoo to task for making a monkey out of people who probably didn’t notice until we all made a huge fuss over it.

Fortunately, Japan’s taking this not-so-slight slight seriously and has already consulted the British embassy for advice. Of course, this is all just a cunning ruse, because what self-effacing British person is going to make them change the monkey’s name?

This is what polite war looks like, people. Fantastic accents, dashing manners and a monkey.

Japanese have robot pets, doom us all

Look, a lot of weird news comes out of Japan. It makes sense that only the oddest of news would come all the way from over there. They probably only get the weirdest American news, which of course comes from Florida. But why is it that in Japan, it’s always about robots?

Sony has a line of artificial intelligence robot dogs, which is creepy enough. They can develop their own personalities and probably don’t need to be walked. But now, some people are so attached to their fake dogs that when they break, they mourn, and hold a funeral because they believe the robots have souls.

Folks, robots are like pitbulls, they can make OK pets, but never turn your back on them. We shouldn’t be getting emotionally attached to these things, we should be celebrating our ability to make complicated robots that break long before they can be a serious threat. Robot funerals should consist of nothing other than tossing them in molten metal.

Less ‘dun-dun-dun-DUUUUUN,’ more ‘wah wah wah … waaaaah’

Deaf people don't typically wear sunglasses indoors. Just sayin', Japan.
Deaf people don’t typically wear sunglasses indoors. Just sayin’, Japan.

Hey, did you hear the one about the deaf composer in Japan? Turns out he did, too.

Mamoru Samuragochi was celebrated in Japan as their Beethoven … up until last week when he was forced to admit that he did not, in fact, compose all of his music.

And after everyone said, “Wait, you heard us discussing your credibility as a musician?” he put a cone to his ear and said, “WHAT?” He later admitted this week that he can kind of hear and that said crappy hearing is sort of, maybe … getting better.

Get ready for next week’s big Samuragochi announcement: “You guys! I can totally hear everything now! It’s a miracle! Send money and boobs so that I can finally hear them in stunning 1080p Hobbit sound!”

Surprisingly, Hello Kitty beer isn’t the manliest brew

If it involves Japan, the news has to be pretty weird. We’ve seen this recently. But it’s looking increasingly like the weirdness is spreading. After all, there’s a Hello Kitty plane making flights throughout Asia.

And what do you drink on a Hello Kitty plane when you need to get a good buzz going? Hello Kitty beer, of course. If that gets you excited, just wait until you hear the flavors. Lemon-lime, banana, passion fruit and more! Sounds like a 12-year-old’s dream.

If for some reason you’re still on board with this, we’ve got bad news for you: the alcohol content is about half of the more popular beers here in the U.S. Weighing in at 2.8% alcohol by volume at its very best, you might as well just order an O’Doul’s and add a splash of fruit juice to it.

Japan’s Olympics are already getting weird

Before it was even announced that the 2020 Olympic Games will be held in Tokyo, the games had already gotten, well, Japanese.

Yasuo Hazaki, a media studies professor, wants to see hide-and-seek included as an Olympic sport. He even leads a committee promoting the sport in Japan, and he’s got 1,000 members with him. Let that sink in. Now, let’s hear Hazaki’s argument.

When you watch sport now, it’s all about world-beating techniques and skills – fantastic dribbling, running or shooting skills in football, for example. … Hide-and-seek is a sport that anybody can play, from children as young as 4 years old to someone who is in their 80s.

And there’s nothing eyebrow raising about an old man playing hide-and-seek with little kids.

Smart toilet technology predicatably bites us in the ass

"The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain!"
“The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain!”

If the world is Oz, then the Japanese are collectively the Wizard, and they will give a brain to just about anything these days. Unfortunately, it looks like making the toilet “smart” was a bad idea.

The Satis smart toilet has an automated lid, bidet functions, sounds, air freshening and a spotlight for appraising your work afterwards. (Considering that it costs over $4000, it makes sense that the person who owns one would believe that their dumps are Instagram-worthy. We recommend the Hudson filter.)

But, because it’s hardwired with Bluetooth (… really?), it’s also vulnerable to hacking. So, if your toilet starts acting up, there’s a good chance that it’s just someone who knows to spend their money on computer hardware instead of toiletry screwing around with you.

Or, if you don’t have a smart toilet, then it’s definitely the hand monster waiting inside.

Being a dancing fool possibly a crime in Japan

There’s a horribly hackneyed and trite phrase that says, “Dance like no one’s looking.” This phrase was clearly invented by someone that has never been to the land of the rising sun, as it is now (possibly and potentially) against the law to dance in Japan.

According to an old and usually unenforced law (there’s one in every city), the police are able to shut down nightclubs that lack a dancing license. (Yes, that is apparently a thing.) And, boy howdy, have the poh-leese of Jah-pan been exercising this right.

On Sunday morning at 2am police officers raided the 500-capacity club [Roppongi’s Vanity] and arrested three staff members on suspicion of allowing unlicensed dancing.

People, Glorious Nippon has officially turned into the town from Footloose.

My Little Mecha

Does your child have dreams of stomping over the neighbors? Does tiny Zack yearn for a better day when crushing your enemies means hitting them with a drill hand? Does little Sally absolutely love the color green? Are you rich?

Why wait for Christmas to make their dreams come true? 20 large can enable many a lawsuit.