If you can enforce a ban, you can enforce a quota
Posted on February 23, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Tokyoh-no!, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
The International Whaling Commission (don’t let the name fool you–they’re ag’in’ whaling) is offering a truce to longtime animal warriors Japan. Instead of continuing their outright ban, which the Japanese dodge by calling their kills “science,” the IWC might permit them to limited whaling with as-of-yet undetermined quotas.
How do the Japanese justify killing the better part of 30,000 whales, the majority becoming food, since 1986 as science?
1) Food science is science. It’s science that you eat. Without out it, there would be no Twinkies, Cheez-Whiz and other “foods.” It’s only a matter of time before the Japanese discover a fish-like substance that tastes like whale.
2) Less whales equals more Japanese people. The world’s seaweed and tiny gross fish supplies are running scarce because whales eat it all. What will the Japanese eat if they can’t cut it up and tie it to rice? Spaghetti-Os?
3) The best technology comes from war. We’re at war, but the Japanese are facing a giant, intelligent foe that may use language to coordinate its underwater convoys. Therefore, any weapons they develop for whaling will lead to peacetime innovations like odorless braces and typhoon guns.
Written by Rick SneeIt’s the gift you both can share
Posted on February 15, 2010
Filed Under Tokyoh-no!, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Because it’s gonna take at least two of you to finish it up, that’s for sure. At least, if your valentine is entomophobic.
Komatsuya Honten, a bakery in Akita, bakes treats in the shape of rhinoceros beetles and their larvae. No worries, as they’re straight-up chocolate, but they look just like the critters some of you used to catch and keep in your childhood. Not me, as I never went after animals bigger than me. As nasty as they might look, they sometimes sell out within an hour, says the shop keeper.
Writer Matt Alt tried the ¥2,100 “Kabuto-Mushi Cake Lovely Pack,” which crawled with two larvae candies and a beetle cake. They sound pretty tasty:
The beetles are cake enrobed in a rich dark chocolate, with chocolate-dipped fruit slices used for thin parts like legs and horns. The larvae are milk chocolate with crisped rice mixed in…
So, remember: human ears taste like chicken, bugs taste like chocolate and the continued existence of this shop tastes like victory in the War on Animals.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorEven high schoolers are pretty pervy
Posted on February 11, 2010
Filed Under Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |
It’s one thing to ride around a town in a big, white pedo-van while toting free candy to kids. But if you’re in high school-that’s still creepy, especially considering that you might be so young that it’s almost not creepy that you’re lusting over children. Almost.
A student from Souma City was arrested yesterday for being the one that heads up a child pornography BBS website. He did his “work” on free computers available in the city’s culture center. Not the brightest perv ever.
What does he have to say for himself? Get this:
“I like looking at nude boys, and had a collection of about 1,500 photos. I wanted people with similar interests to share the same joy.”
They have organizations for that, buddy. They’re not exactly looked highly upon either. It’s being reported that he was busted specifically over six photos of naked boys under 10 years of age, posted on the site between July and December 2009. Ewwww.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWell, he did stack the deck against himself….
Posted on February 10, 2010
Filed Under Booze News, Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |
My younger brother recently got his learner’s permit. This is important because he is now one step closer to becoming a functional member of society. Myself, it took three attempts to finally seal the deal with getting the learner’s permit. Still, I can’t help but think that my adventures with the DMV were easier than that of Susumu Moriya.
Apparently Moriya entered a Japanese police station around 9:30 AM to renew his drivers license while completely intoxicated. After experiencing a bit of trouble with the touch screen interface that’s used to print out the request form, Moriya asked for help. Unable to understand the officer who came to assist him, he became belligerent, even going as far as to throw his license to the floor in anger.
When the officer had smelt the alcohol on Moriya’s breath, he asked how Moriya had arrived at the station. Moriya then lied, stating that he had walked. However, the moment he was asked to leave, Moriya went straight to his car. 200 meters later, and Moriya was arrested for drunk driving.
He later informed the police that he had started drinking as early as 6 AM and had consumed two beers and several glasses of shochu. Pro-tip for all you hopeful drivers out there: visiting a police station while drunk as a skunk probably isn’t the best of ideas.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorAll the groping you can afford
Posted on February 3, 2010
Filed Under Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |
Reportedly, one of the biggest pains is when you’re out late at night with friends in Japan and the rush to catch that last train at 1am begins. After that, you’re stranded until 6am with no trains running and most businesses shuttered. Sometimes you can find a bar that’ll be open to keep you occupied until you can find your way home, but you’ll be piss-drunk as a result. Which, honestly, we’re not exactly complaining about.
That’s the way things currently are in Japan, for better or worse.
But that not be the way things are in Japan in the future. The Tokyo government is considering running the Toei Chikatetsu 24 hours a day, due to the increasing number of flights coming into Haneda airport in Tokyo at all hours of the night. It’s a much more attractive option than a $60 cab ride in or something of that nature.
This would certainly change some of the cityscape of Tokyo. In the largest city of a country with 200% of its GDP in debt, they could use the jobs that this change could create. Of course, Japan is notorious for true stories urban legends of women being repeatedly groped by men left and right and left and right and other directions that you didn’t know exist. Will a 24 hour train make this situation worse? We’ll have to watch for the filed police reports to judge that.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYou are not alone
Posted on December 16, 2009
Filed Under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |
Ever wanted a carbon copy of yourself to introduce to your friends or use as a body double so you can sneak out of work early? Well, you aren’t the only one, it would seem. If you live in Japan, you can totally cash in on your dream thanks to department store operators Sogo & Seibu.
These mechanical robots are part of a promotion in Japan and will be built by robotics company Kokoro, who are famous for their receptionist robots. There are only two twins available, but seeing as they run 20.1 million yen ($223,000 each), they might not find any takers right off the bat, despite how reasonable that actually sounds. On the other hand, they’ll model the robot’s speech after your voice so you can actually talk to yourself.
Having heard my voice record, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWe’re more proud of those that “teddu rooseveltu”
Posted on November 17, 2009
Filed Under Scurry (Politics), Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |
In SG moonspeak, that means to “kill bears without provocation and be damn well known for it.”
Not Japan, though. They love them some Obama. How much do they love him? Enough to give him his own verb.
Obamu: v. To proceed optimistically despite challenging obstacles.
Apparently, mind you, this sort of thing isn’t unheard of. Back when President Bush (Dana Carvey edition) went and visited Japan, he lost a tennis match to Emperor Hirohito and later that evening at a dinner party, he bushu suru: vomited in public.
Of course, these words never really made it into the public’s lexicon, as most people have never even heard the terms, just mainly college students, where the phrase “obamu” is supposed to be popular. Starting out by being passed around in a Kyoto University mailer, the made up word was then mentioned on Twitter. All of one grand time. That’s apparently enough to initiate societal change among young adults. Should we begin to use the word more often and keep it alive? Or should we believe in the ability to change it?
Heh. Bushu suru.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorEventualanddestructive war … in … SPACE!
Posted on November 9, 2009
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |
An entire generation of geeks has clearly finally been given the reins of all the science and technology in Japan. The space agency of the country is aiming to build a solar power station in space. Their desire? To create an orbital maser cannon a renewable resource that can be harvested a near unlimited amount of times (in the relative future).
This can only end in battles between gigantic robots. But for Pete’s sake, whatever you do, make sure Cobra Commander does not hear about this news.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorThen what’s legal corpse abandonment?
Posted on October 27, 2009
Filed Under Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |
“She died in late September. She wasn’t well before that and I asked her if she wanted to go to hospital but she said she didn’t need to go.”
That’s what a Fukuoka City man told police as they arrested him for illegal corpse abandonment. Police found Tatsuya Hirade’s wife laying in bed, dead, where she laid untouched for about a month. Ewwwwww. No cause of death is known.
And that was that. A lady died, and Hirade went about his business, leaving her there. No police or ambulance was called when she died. There may be ties to domestic violence, though nothing has been determined yet.
Who leaves a dead body in their house for that long? Well, I might be able to come up with a few instances, but I wouldn’t really recommend them.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorDude extorts own mother, fails
Posted on September 15, 2009
Filed Under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |
OK everyone, I know that my last story probably isn’t the most feel good story of year. However, this one is, though more in a quasi-National Lampoon’s Vacation/Naked Gun subplot vein.
So there’s this dude. And this dude is hard up for money, because, y’know, economy. So what does he do? He tries to get 30 million yen by calling his mom up at 2 am after not coming home Friday night, claiming that he has her son held hostage and wants the money.
The 31 year old man didn’t come home to his mom. Let that sink in.
Mom, being the worrying parent she is, had already filed a missing persons report when he didn’t come home Friday night. She lets the police know, and mentions that it sounded like her son was the one on the phone. After five hours of police searching, they found him parked in a car down by the river. Police detained him, and the reason for all this?
“[H]e did it because he thought his misappropriation of company funds was about to be discovered, and because he wanted to cause some trouble for the company.”
Simultaneous failure attempts FTW.
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor keep looking »