Just the outcome you’d expect
Posted on August 10, 2010
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim, War on Education, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
The descendants of legendary Apache, Geronimo, found out what happens when you sue a notorious secret society that has included two of the last four presidents in its ranks: the case never makes it to trial.
The family attempted to sue Skull and Bones, Yale University for the theft of Geronimo’s remains. They were rumored to have been stolen by Prescott Bush and later used by his son, George H.W. Bush, and grandson, George W. Bush, to snort various drugs and do things that aren’t necessarily gay if you’re wearing a cowl and will one day rule the world.
Unfortunately, Judge Richard Roberts dismissed the suit because the world’s most famous Native American doesn’t count as a Native American artifact because he was “excavated or discovered before 1990.” (Which seems to imply that the theft of a federal grave equals “excavation or discovery.”)
This leaves Geronimo’s family one option: body raid at Yale!
Written by Rick SneeLord Cheney: Arise
Posted on July 15, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
Former vice president and suspected human being Dick Cheney has conquered his heart once again.
The man–who once shot a friend just to see what Johnny Cash was yapping about–had a pump implanted in his heart.
The pump is described as a “modest” artificial heart and will help circulate the oil that his body requires to function smoothly (though at some cost to the environment).
The procedure was performed in response to God’s fifth warning to Cheney, a series which kicked off when he was only 37 and increased in frequency and magnitude once he started torturing human beings.
Experts believe that he cannot possibly live through another one, but they do not know the power of the dark side.
Written by Rick SneeUncle Joe still killing followers
Posted on May 10, 2010
Filed Under Fun Fact, He's Dead, Jim | Leave a Comment |
The owner of a museum dedicated to former top Commie and 31-consecutive-year mustache champion Josef Stalin was electrocuted and bludgeoned to death at a tennis court.
Police are still looking for a motive, having already dismissed one theory that the man’s lime green ski cap confused tennis players. Even former KGB tennis enthusiasts have long abandoned the practice of tasing balls before game time.
Once investigations are over, he will be buried in honor of his life’s work: in an unmarked grave and quietly erased from history.
Written by Rick SneeWas it … murder?
Posted on March 8, 2010
Filed Under Too Soon? | 1 Comment |
The oldest American is dead; long live the oldest American!
Stunning everyone, 114-year-old Mary Josephine Ray died on Sunday. Ray was the oldest living American and, according to the Gerontology Research Group, the second-oldest living person in the world.
Suspiciously, there is already a new oldest person in America: Neva Morris of Iowa, who just happens to be only three months younger than Ray.
So, the new oldest American is 114-years-old, which means she was running out of time for her own reign … unless Ray was out of the way.
Just where were you on Sunday, Ms. Morris, if that is in fact your name?
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Give up church for Lent
Posted on February 17, 2010
Filed Under Take it from Snee, Too Soon? | 1 Comment |
Let’s get this out of the way before I piss off only the Catholics: unless you’re dieting or a passive-aggressive schmuck, fasting is for losers. Almost every religion employs it at some point and tries to dismiss hunger pains and low blood pressure symptoms as holy euphoria.
But, anyone who’s bound to be offended knows why I’m talking about this today: it’s Who Gives a Rat’s Ash Wednesday. The media month for the Christian Super Bowl of Easter has opened, and adherents will give up things they love for Lent.
Some people give up booze, others smoking. Some women give up chocolate. In short, everyone gets a little bitchier, which simulates how angsty the Pharisees were to drive Jesus into the ground about this time. (Too soon?) Read more
Written by Rick SneeNew Yorkers’ tough talk after 9/11 just that
Posted on January 29, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
You ever known somebody from New York, particularly from the city? If so, then you’ve probably heard all the talk that comes from New Yorkers: being raised on the mean streets, being able to make it anywhere and–after 9/11–tougher than any terrorist.
After intense bipartisan pressure from U.S. officials, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the relatives of 9/11 victims, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder and President Barack Obama are now considering alternative sites for the trials of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four of his alleged co-conspirators.
Those “tough guys” from “the streets” have suggested safer places, including U.S. military bases and West Point, for five men that have been tortured and held in tiny cells for almost a decade.
So, the next time you have to listen to an obnoxious New Yorker, or even a plain-old Yankees fan, brag about what a badass they are and how New York eats people up and spits them out, let them vent. It’s all they have left.
Written by Rick SneeDrum circles: tools of terrorism
Posted on December 29, 2009
Filed Under Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
If you’ve ever been to college, then you’ve had to endure or–god forbid–participate in a drum circle.
Drum circles are an outdoor event where non-musicians bang drums outside because they got a C on a test and blame the latest shooting, election or editorial for their performance. It’s believed that, by participating in a musical performance, participants can alleviate stress by hitting a noisemaker and feel part of a group of other people hitting similar childrens’ party favors. They are notoriously organized by music majors to prove their degree is useful, even if they don’t become the next John Williams.
What they don’t realize is that they feel better because the joy and relative calm of surrounding dorms has been vampirically sucked away by their noise. This is similar to how a Glenn Beck works.
Fortunately, Africa has heard your cries and will address the situation.
Written by Rick SneeWhich means they should serve jury duty for us
Posted on November 30, 2009
Filed Under Scurry to the Capitol, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
Ever since Ted Kennedy bowed out of the health care debate due to a pre-existing condition, four candidates in Massachusetts are trying to out lib each other to replace him.
In the latest effort for each to paint the other three as downright gunsmoking fascists, three of them said they support lowering the voting age from 18 to 17.
If this happens, the percentage of sober voters is expected to triple. However, the candidates will have shot themselves in the foot if Kennedy returns from the dead.
Written by Rick SneeHis jeans will live on
Posted on November 3, 2009
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim | Leave a Comment |
French anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss died. In honor of his memory, all pants will be worn at half-mast for the rest of the day.
Western technology at work for traditional values
Posted on October 22, 2009
Filed Under Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
Look, we’re not condoning attempting to kill your children because they’ve grown “too Westernized.” In fact, we’re taking the hard line here and saying we’re against it: attacking your kids to uphold your ideology is wrong. (There, we said it.)
But … if you’re going to do it, wouldn’t it make a stronger message if your method doesn’t involve a Jeep?
Seriously, we can see you hauling a bunch of rocks to throw at her with it, maybe even rigging it with explosives, but letting the rubber meet the road? Maybe she learned it by watching you, dad.
Written by Rick Snee keep looking »