Category: Too Soon?

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Too Soon?

Sun’s out, guns out

Going goth may just save your life.
Going goth may just save your life.

If you’ve ever wondered why repeated listenings to Johnny Nash’s “I Can See Clearly Now” have driven you to suicidal thoughts (Just me? OK.), statistics may now know why.

According to a new study published in JAMA Psychiatry and data collected by the CDC, there is “a positive association between the number of suicides on a particular day and the hours of sunshine,” meaning more people kill themselves on sunny days.

We’re also more likely to do it in the spring, while December has the fewest suicides of all months. So, take that Holiday Seasonal Affective Disorder and shove it to Easter. Which, when you think about it, is the more depressing holiday season between Mardi Gras STIs, Lent, crucifixions and rabbits that lay eggs.

Researchers aren’t sure why the sun drives us to offing ourselves, but one factor may be light itself. Increased light improves our drive to do things and decreases our serotonin transferrals, making us even more impulsive. So, if you’re depressed, stay indoors!

… Oh, you’re already walled up inside of your home with the windows taped shut? Good.

| Filed under Facepalm, Too Soon?

Tonight we opine in hell!

"Chevys! What is your profession!?" "AH-OOOOOGA! AH-OOOOOGA! AH-OOOOOGA!"
“Chevys! What is your profession!?” “AH-OOOOOGA! AH-OOOOOGA! AH-OOOOOGA!”

Before you finish that chest workout and go see 300: Rise of an Empire, The Guys would like to warn you not to debate it afterwards. You just can’t handle the arguments that this big, dumb movie full of big, dumb men will dredge up.

Even Texans — renowned for their toughness and debate skills — couldn’t discuss the “history” as interpreted by curmudgeon Frank Miller and Zack Snyder’s slow motion cameras in the unasked-for sequel to 300. And now a man is dead, killed with a truck by two men whom he argued with in the parking lot afterwards.

But, even though he lost, when one man stands up to F150, then that in itself is kind of a victory. But not really because he’s dead.

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim

Online banking: the new immortality

♪ ♬ Heeeere we are! Born to be Kings, we're the princes of the uuuniveeeerse! ♫ ♬
♪ ♬ Heeeere we are! Born to be kings, we’re the princes of the uuuniveeeerse! ♫ ♬

Ever wonder why so many banks have “first” or “one” in their names? It’s possibly because they’re creating a race of immortals who move silently down through the centuries, living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the Gathering: when the few who remain will battle to the last.

Well, prototype immortals, anyway, as evidenced by a woman found dead after six years because her bills were paid automatically through online banking.

The woman in question is believed to have died sometime in 2008, but because her bank account was well-stocked, her bills, mortgage and landscaping payments continued going out as scheduled until March 2013. It wasn’t until her bank foreclosed her home that anyone found her, mummified in her car in the garage.

Hopefully, she hadn’t planned on taking her money with her.

| Filed under Take it from Snee, Too Soon?

Take it from Snee: The elderly are revolting

"Mabel! Ethyl! Run! They told you it was one-hand touch, not two!"
“Mabel! Ethyl! Run! They told you it was one-hand touch, not two!”

As home to some of our nation’s greatest threats, sometimes we wonder if Andrew Jackson stole Florida from the Spanish and American Indians solely because swamp monsters gave him boners. While the state has always been to alligators and the giant magnet that attracts hurricanes, later residents would import out of control pythons, hotheaded stand-your-grounders and elderly people with alarmingly rising rates of STDs.

And what happens when a new ecosystem is established from outside forces? Segments of that population combine into hybrids perfectly suited to it. And now we’re facing our greatest threat: elderly people who have had enough of our s**t and are armed.  Continue reading

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, Take it from Snee, Too Soon?

Take it from Snee: For his last trick, Nelson Mandela politely let us be dicks

Pictured here already tired of the media's s$%t before his funeral.
Nelson Mandela was already sick of the media’s s$%t before his funeral.

In another decade, the death of who may be this living generation’s greatest example of humanity might have been regarded as a solemn occasion: a time to reflect on his achievements and appraise our own life’s work in comparison.

Fortunately, Nelson Mandela was South African, so that let Americans off the hook.

Instead, we took it as an opportunity to decide who was and wasn’t grieving appropriately and, more importantly, “How is this Obama’s Teapot Dome?” (Having already used Watergate, Katrina, Iraq, and even “Mission Accomplished Moment” to describe the president’s failures, we’re now re-appropriating scandals from the Harding administration.) Oh, and to determine whether the recently ex-living embodiment of dismantling systemic racism was “just another socialist like Stalin, Hitler, and FDR.”

So, on behalf of all my fellow assho Americans, I’d like to thank Mr. Mandela for politely letting us carry on like a pack of baboons for the past several days. A lesser corpse would have rolled through to China by this afternoon after enduring these “stories,” proving just how swell of a guy Madiba was …

Continue reading

| Filed under Headline of the Day, Too Soon?

… Something borrowed, something blue

"I cleaned up the brain matter last time!" "Well, I did it three times in a row before that!" "I WANT YOU MORE THAN EVER!"
“I cleaned up the brain matter last time!” “Well, I did it three times in a row before that!” “I WANT YOU MORE THAN EVER!”

In an era where most newlyweds aren’t exactly carnal strangers, it’s difficult to spice things up shortly after marriage. (Doing it in white is pretty much the only novel thing about wedding nights today.) According to the Sunbury Police Department, the Barbours of Harrisburg, Penn. have allegedly found the cure for post-marriage doldrums: murdering some rando from the Internet.

The couple is accused of luring a man off of Craigslist into their car and then strangling him (see what we did there with the headline?) with a cord and stabbing him about 20 times.

The Barbours then allegedly did what every other married couple does after a DIY project: clean up the blood and go out to eat.

| Filed under Facepalm, He's Dead, Jim

Needed: a president who leads … in 1863

Look! Look at what your editorial did to the man!
Look! Look at what your editorial did to the man!

While much of the to-do over our current president can be attributed to current peccadilloes — some over political difference of opinion, others over fears that Public Enemy really did usher in a black planet — much of it just comes down to media being media.

Don’t believe us? Then how does The Patriot-News of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania explain their 1863 post-Gettysburg Address editorial, dismissing the mission statement of the second American century as “silly remarks” deserving a “veil of oblivion.”

Fortunately, the paper retracted the editorial … this year. You hear that, Mr. President? They were wrong. … Mr. President?

Oh, right. Gotta speak into the ground.

Special thanks to Patrick H. for again doing our work for us!

| Filed under The Real Story, Too Soon?

Ikea sends next disaster to Philippines

Every so often, the entire media focuses on one aspect of a story, only to miss the real story hidden in their report. When that happens, The Guys point out The Real Story.

Let's just say Ikea knows what Filipinos are going to spend their Ikea money on.
Let’s just say Ikea knows what Filipinos are going to spend their Ikea money on.

China, fresh from their row with America’s fourth-most-famous current late night talk show host, is back in the media spotlight, this time for only pledging $100,000 in aid to the Philippines, and then only raising that amount to $1.6 million after the island nation was struck by earthquakes and Typhoon Haiyan. But, the real story is who outbid them:

China’s pledge, which it boosted after getting flack for its original offer of $100,000, is a fraction of the amounts pledged by other countries in the region and much farther away, including the USA, which pledged $20 million. Australia promised $30 million. The United Kingdom offered $16 million. Japan and United Arab Emirates each pledged $10 million. Ikea is sending $2.7 million, according to Unicef.

Yes, Ikea is sending aid to the Phillipines. The only problem is that, once it arrives, the Filipinos will have to put that aid together themselves. So, get ready for the next disaster to hit the archipelago: rising divorce rates and dangerously unsteady malms.

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, KAPLOOIE!, Video of the Day, War on Animals

Tonight, he sleeps with blown-up fishes

It seems to us, he lived his life like a candle in the wind -- never knowing who to cling to when the baleen came in.
It seems to us, he lived his life like a candle in the wind — never knowing who to cling to when the guts rained in.

We quietly lost a hero in the War on Animals on Oct. 27. George Thomas Thornton may not have killed that beached sperm whale in 1970, but he sure as hell finished the job with a half-ton of dynamite.

The Guys would like to think that ol’ George is up there, right now, descending back down on us in millions of hazardous and disgusting little celestial pieces.

In Memoriam:

| Filed under Picture of the Day, Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood', Too Soon?

An adorkable conspiracy

"Police are looking door-to-door for Dho ... Dz ... Mr. Tsarn ... Zooey Deschanel for his role in the Boston Marathon bombing. If you see Mr. Deschanel, contact authorities immediately and do not look him in his dorky thick-rimmed glasses."
“Police are looking door-to-door for Dho … Dz … Mr. Tsarn … Zooey Deschanel for his role in the Boston Marathon bombing. We believe Mr. Deschanelmay may attempt to disguise his face with bangs and thick-rimmed glasses.”

Dallas-Fort Worth’s Fox 4 News and Caption Solutions, their provider of closed captioning, have walked back their claim that Zooey Deschanel was responsible for the Boston Marathon bombing.

During their coverage of the manhunt for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the closed captions reported that police were searching Watertown, Mass. for 19-year-old Zooey Deschanel. But, it turns out it was all an error and that they really meant the younger Tsarnaev brother, and not that there’s a quirky third suspect still on the loose, free to order tomato soup from restaurants that allegedly do that.

Or is that just what they want us to think? We’re through the looking glass here, people.