Was it … murder?
Posted on March 8, 2010
Filed Under Too Soon? | 1 Comment |
The oldest American is dead; long live the oldest American!
Stunning everyone, 114-year-old Mary Josephine Ray died on Sunday. Ray was the oldest living American and, according to the Gerontology Research Group, the second-oldest living person in the world.
Suspiciously, there is already a new oldest person in America: Neva Morris of Iowa, who just happens to be only three months younger than Ray.
So, the new oldest American is 114-years-old, which means she was running out of time for her own reign … unless Ray was out of the way.
Just where were you on Sunday, Ms. Morris, if that is in fact your name?
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Give up church for Lent
Posted on February 17, 2010
Filed Under Take it from Snee, Too Soon? | 1 Comment |
Let’s get this out of the way before I piss off only the Catholics: unless you’re dieting or a passive-aggressive schmuck, fasting is for losers. Almost every religion employs it at some point and tries to dismiss hunger pains and low blood pressure symptoms as holy euphoria.
But, anyone who’s bound to be offended knows why I’m talking about this today: it’s Who Gives a Rat’s Ash Wednesday. The media month for the Christian Super Bowl of Easter has opened, and adherents will give up things they love for Lent.
Some people give up booze, others smoking. Some women give up chocolate. In short, everyone gets a little bitchier, which simulates how angsty the Pharisees were to drive Jesus into the ground about this time. (Too soon?) Read more
Written by Rick SneeNew Yorkers’ tough talk after 9/11 just that
Posted on January 29, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
You ever known somebody from New York, particularly from the city? If so, then you’ve probably heard all the talk that comes from New Yorkers: being raised on the mean streets, being able to make it anywhere and–after 9/11–tougher than any terrorist.
After intense bipartisan pressure from U.S. officials, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the relatives of 9/11 victims, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder and President Barack Obama are now considering alternative sites for the trials of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four of his alleged co-conspirators.
Those “tough guys” from “the streets” have suggested safer places, including U.S. military bases and West Point, for five men that have been tortured and held in tiny cells for almost a decade.
So, the next time you have to listen to an obnoxious New Yorker, or even a plain-old Yankees fan, brag about what a badass they are and how New York eats people up and spits them out, let them vent. It’s all they have left.
Written by Rick SneeDrum circles: tools of terrorism
Posted on December 29, 2009
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If you’ve ever been to college, then you’ve had to endure or–god forbid–participate in a drum circle.
Drum circles are an outdoor event where non-musicians bang drums outside because they got a C on a test and blame the latest shooting, election or editorial for their performance. It’s believed that, by participating in a musical performance, participants can alleviate stress by hitting a noisemaker and feel part of a group of other people hitting similar childrens’ party favors. They are notoriously organized by music majors to prove their degree is useful, even if they don’t become the next John Williams.
What they don’t realize is that they feel better because the joy and relative calm of surrounding dorms has been vampirically sucked away by their noise. This is similar to how a Glenn Beck works.
Fortunately, Africa has heard your cries and will address the situation.
Written by Rick SneeWhich means they should serve jury duty for us
Posted on November 30, 2009
Filed Under Scurry to the Capitol, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
Ever since Ted Kennedy bowed out of the health care debate due to a pre-existing condition, four candidates in Massachusetts are trying to out lib each other to replace him.
In the latest effort for each to paint the other three as downright gunsmoking fascists, three of them said they support lowering the voting age from 18 to 17.
If this happens, the percentage of sober voters is expected to triple. However, the candidates will have shot themselves in the foot if Kennedy returns from the dead.
Written by Rick SneeHis jeans will live on
Posted on November 3, 2009
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim | Leave a Comment |
French anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss died. In honor of his memory, all pants will be worn at half-mast for the rest of the day.
Western technology at work for traditional values
Posted on October 22, 2009
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Look, we’re not condoning attempting to kill your children because they’ve grown “too Westernized.” In fact, we’re taking the hard line here and saying we’re against it: attacking your kids to uphold your ideology is wrong. (There, we said it.)
But … if you’re going to do it, wouldn’t it make a stronger message if your method doesn’t involve a Jeep?
Seriously, we can see you hauling a bunch of rocks to throw at her with it, maybe even rigging it with explosives, but letting the rubber meet the road? Maybe she learned it by watching you, dad.
Written by Rick SneeAnother reason to keep your corpse at home
Posted on July 9, 2009
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim | 2 Comments |
Another cemetery scandal has been unearthed (ha!), this time near Chicago, Illinois. Police are accusing some unnamed workers of digging up over 300 bodies in graves nobody visited, dumping the remains and reselling the plots for personal profit.
It’s ghoulish, but what’s the point? Sure, there’s the aspect where the business end was cheating the owners out of their coinage, but did it matter where these dead people were forgotten? Family members weren’t reporting the disappearances, history didn’t care about them … who cares if they become bean-bag chair filler?
(In fact, what may be the few undisturbed graves were those of African-American civil rights pioneers: people who won’t be forgotten for some time.)
So, let’s save the outrage, and maybe reevaluate our country’s obsession with immortalization after death. It’s–clearly–not immortal, and you ain’t no pharaoh. Or, if you’re really worried, keep your dead at home.
Written by Rick SneeJackson death mystery solved
Posted on July 2, 2009
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
The media and the blogoshere are ablaze with the latest news on the death of Michael Jackson and the aftermath. Speculation abounds about what exactly killed the King of Pop while we wait for the toxicology report. Well the wait is over.
Remember Bubbles? He toured with Jacko for a little while in the late 80s, when touring with a wild animal was popular. (Bruce Springsteen toured with kangaroo.) For a time, Bubbles was famous, but he was famous for being Jackson’s second banana. And even if you like bananas, that fact can eat at you.
So over the decades since Bubbles sat quietly in his “wildlife reserve” retirement home in Florida, plotting to kill the monarch who ruined his life. He took time establishing connections in the underground, observing Jackson’s habits and trying to forget how to moonwalk. When the time came, he ordered the regicide. All from behind bars.
With enough patience, every major news story is part of the War on Animals.
Written by Bryan McBournieAnd the ‘Sensitivity in Headline Writing’ award goes to …
Posted on June 30, 2009
Filed Under Headline of the Day, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
Anyone can write a heart-wrenching piece about a 40-year married couple, who had been together since prom, that were killed together in a catastrophe.
Maybe fewer could tug at the heartstrings further by describing how they had just finished volunteering with wounded soldiers beforehand.
And perhaps only the bastard child of Nicholas Sparks and Michael Bay would throw in that one of them helped save America on 9/11 by ordering fighter jets into the air that morning.
But with just one headline about them being “inseparable” when they died in a completely crushed together DC Metro train car, all that work is undone.
Congratulations, CNN.
(Just in case they change it, here’s a screenshot.)
Written by Rick Snee keep looking »