Lose something?
Posted on October 1, 2008
Filed Under Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
If you can’t remember where you left that old grenade lying around, the D.C. Police Department would like a word with you.
Way to go, Mr. Forgetful.
Written by Rick SneeThat’s what kids are for
Posted on August 29, 2008
Filed Under Too Soon? | 14 Comments |
OK, so it turns out that little Caylee Anthony may not have disappeared so much as been murdered by her mother, according to reports.
Cue the moral outrage from the masses.
Yes, folks on the Internet, we get it: killing kids is bad. But what if it’s your kid? Are you going to let an entire community of people who can’t use the correct version of “there, their or they’re” tell you to raise–or not raise–your kid?
What if you know your kid is evil? (For the sake of argument, you went to a fortune teller.) Because Caylee was taken from us so young, we’ll never know if she was going to cure cancer or become the President of the United States or the next Hitler.
This blog exists on one principle: our parents brought us into the world, and they can take us back out. Let’s not go to crazy with reforming these child “murder” laws.
Written by Rick SneeThat’s one #@%*ing mixed message
Posted on August 25, 2008
Filed Under Sex Sells, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
OK, so first we’ve got this article on CNN: “Bartering sex for stuff or services.” In it, cases are presented of women offering sex for services like tour guides of the Amazon, test answers and unclogged plumbing for sex.
So, the good news is that the porn industry isn’t completely full of crap. (Well, unless it’s one of those films.)
Next up from the same CNN page on the same day: “FBI: Couple wants car, offers sex with 5-year-old.”
So, apparently there is a right way and a wrong way to whore it up. Thanks for almost clearing that up.
Written by Rick SneeExplanation: The Georgian-Russian conflict
Posted on August 15, 2008
Filed Under Too Soon?, War on Animals | 1 Comment |
Readers, if you’re anything like us, you’re an expert on all affairs, foreign and domestic. But not everyone has the time or inclination to study the world, learning the fine nuances that shape our own backyards.
It’s not enough to know that the flap of a butterfly’s wing gives birth to a huricane on the other side of the globe; you also have to use that knowledge to kill butterflies to end huricanes.
This is why we’re bringing you this explanation for the current brough-ha-ha in Georgia: the Russians want to hide the true identity of Bigfoot!
Yes, a pair of hunters have discovered a hidden enclave of Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) northern Georgia, presumably along the border it shares with Russia. The Russians have invaded to prevent these hunters from revealing the identities of these beasts later today.
The hunters, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer (don’t bother trying to pronounce these bizarre Slavic names), claim to have DNA and photographic evidence, but will not reveal the monkey-men’s whereabouts because it’s an utter war zone now.
Written by Rick SneeThis just in: Apparently we’ve already done the “confusing the two Georgias” bit already. We, here at SeriouslyGuys, apologize and will brutalize our writers for this oversight.
Be on the lookout for nothing
Posted on August 1, 2008
Filed Under Too Soon? | 6 Comments |
Niagra, Wisconsin is being terrorized by a gun man in camoflauge. He sticks to the woods and carries an assualt rifle, managing to shoot four people already–killing three. His people count could have been higher, but he’s in the woods.
So how has he managed to shoot so many people already? We can’t see him. (Even CNN doesn’t have a picture!) Hell, nobody called the police for the first two because everyone thought it was the Predator, and killing him will just trigger a nuclear blast.
So, be on the lookout, citizens. If you don’t see him, do not try to apprehend him. Tell the police where he might be lurking and don’t reveal any weapons. (That’ll just give your death some honor.)
Written by Rick Snee
UPDATE (8/1/08):
They got him! … Or did they?
Keep your eyes in the skies, and set on heat-detection mode.
Even we could have told him this was a bad idea
Posted on July 31, 2008
Filed Under Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
The corpse of Father Adelir Antonio de Carli was found off the shore of Macea. Now, we’re sure the questions as to why there is a body of a priest just floating around the Atlantic. Carli, in a “what the hell are you thinking?” moment, decided that a good fundraiser would be to attach himself to hundreds of helium balloons in order to fly across the sea. What ever happened to the days of a good, old-fashioned telathon?
Written by Bryan SchoolsAwwwwwww!
Posted on July 29, 2008
Filed Under Too Soon?, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
WARNING: This video from CNN contains footage of the two most adorable little puppy dogs you’ll see all day …
… as they’re hauled off by police for killing a two-month-old baby.
One suspect is a small pug, but the primary suspect is a six-month-old black lab, who loves being hand-carried, kisses and the blood of the innocent. Neither has fessed up to the crime, yet, but police have not ruled out enhanced interrogation techniques like blowing in their faces while they lick the air.
They’re not so cute now, eh PETA?
Written by Rick SneeGreat Ledger’s ghost!*
Posted on July 2, 2008
Filed Under Too Soon?, Zombies | Leave a Comment |
The ghost of Heath Ledger still refuses to move on.
While alive, he lingered around, making us watch horrible movies like 10 Things I Hate About You with our girlfriends (or A Knight’s Tale with our boyfriends).
In death, he haunted the Internet through creepy necrophiliac fans. Then he nightstalked his ex-girlfriend. (Sorry, Heath. If marriage ends at death, then dating ends at the pill coma.)
Now, he’s angling for a Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his performance as ICP in The Dark Knight. Look, it’s bad enough that Hollywood is dangling his reanimated corpse in front of us this summer, but rewarding zombie labor? They’re stealing our jobs (and accolades)!
*Bonus Headline:
How To: Mourn a celebrity
Posted on June 26, 2008
Filed Under How To, Too Soon?, Zombies | Leave a Comment |
Jesus, the Internet’s like a bad zombie movie these days. Just a couple of weeks ago, you were lucky if you caught “It’s Bad for Ya” on HBO, which was played as filler between John Adams marathons and Recount. But now that George Carlin’s dead, you can’t escape the c**ksucker.
(And the week before, it was Tim Russert. You know, the guy from the political news that wasn’t Chris Matthews.)
The Guys are running around the Internet, trying to find quality news for you readers, and there’s George, walking around in another eulogy. No matter how fast we run, he’s still there, right behind us.
But he doesn’t moan for “braaaaaaaains” or even “pussyyyyyyyy farrrrrrrts.” No, he sounds like Jerry Seinfeld, Stephen Colbert or some blogger. There’s George, but that isn’t George anymore.
So how do dead celebrities get around so much? Because everyone’s gotta take their turn to mourn and do it right, or their fans will jump out of the woodworks to call you “insensitive.” It’s this rabid attention to post-mortem detail that prompted us to write how to mourn a celebrity. Read more
Written by Rick SneeShake, rattle and pose
Posted on May 22, 2008
Filed Under Sex Sells, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
Chinese officials shut down a local lifestyle magazine that published pictures of sexy models in their underwear … posing in the rubble of the earthquake that has killed over 40,000 people. Even a tentacle porn director was quoted as saying, “Dude, that’s just not right.”
Sorry guys. I have a feeling that the “Sexy Rubble Edition” issue just may never catch on.
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor keep looking »