Category: Too Soon?

| Posted in Picture of the Day, Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood', Too Soon?

An adorkable conspiracy

"Police are looking door-to-door for Dho ... Dz ... Mr. Tsarn ... Zooey Deschanel for his role in the Boston Marathon bombing. If you see Mr. Deschanel, contact authorities immediately and do not look him in his dorky thick-rimmed glasses."
“Police are looking door-to-door for Dho … Dz … Mr. Tsarn … Zooey Deschanel for his role in the Boston Marathon bombing. We believe Mr. Deschanelmay may attempt to disguise his face with bangs and thick-rimmed glasses.”

Dallas-Fort Worth’s Fox 4 News and Caption Solutions, their provider of closed captioning, have walked back their claim that Zooey Deschanel was responsible for the Boston Marathon bombing.

During their coverage of the manhunt for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the closed captions reported that police were searching Watertown, Mass. for 19-year-old Zooey Deschanel. But, it turns out it was all an error and that they really meant the younger Tsarnaev brother, and not that there’s a quirky third suspect still on the loose, free to order tomato soup from restaurants that allegedly do that.

Or is that just what they want us to think? We’re through the looking glass here, people.

| Posted in He's Dead, Jim, Picture of the Day, War on Animals

Dead bears do Knut wear plaid

Even though he's dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes.
Even though he’s dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

Knut, the German polar bear, is back from the dead! His taxidermied corpse is now blocking the entrance to the Berlin natural history museum, menacing all who dare learn about trilobites, ancient arrowheads or whatever Germans dig up in their backyards. (Traces of the camps where they eliminated all of the ancient Neanderthals?)

We warned you, Germany. When Knut’s mother abandoned him, we told you he was no good. When he turned on children, we told you it was too late to put the monster back in its cage. When he became a prima donna and wouldn’t perform his two shows daily, we told you that it was time to put him on an ice flow. And now that he’s dead, we told you to leave him be.

Sometimes dead is better.

| Posted in Too Soon?

All fun and games until somebody loses fingers

Two high school students lost eight fingers and one thumb in a tug-of-war match, breaking the record previously set in 1904 with four fingers and four handlebar mustaches amputated.
Two high school students lost a combined eight fingers and one thumb in a tug-of-war match, breaking the record previously set in 1904 with four fingers and four handlebar mustaches.

A game of tug-of-war at South Monte High School ended abruptly when the rope snapped, amputating a combined nine fingers from two participating students. One lost four fingers on his right hand, and another lost four fingers on her right hand and left thumb, which makes her the default winner since the match ended without a traditional victor. It’s believed that the students had wrapped the rope around their hands, and that this generated the force necessary to snap the rope and tear their fingers off.

The match was part of the school’s annual celebration of Spirit Week. Even if their fingers are reattached successfully, it may take months before they have the full range of motion necessary to convey that they have spirit, yes they do. And until doctors are able to reattach them, the students will be unable to stop farting after the ultimate pulling of fingers.

Not so funny now, is it, Uncle Jack?

[Via Patrick H.]

| Posted in He's Dead, Jim

Plan ahead to avoid holiday shipping delays

Airlines lost your heads? Next time, pack them into a carry-on bag that can fit either under your seat or in the overhead bin.
Airlines lost your heads? Next time, pack them into a carry-on bag that can fit either under your seat or in the overhead bin.

If you’re still waiting for a Christmas present to arrive in the mail, including your 18-month membership in the Head of the Month Club, then you may need to make sure it hasn’t been seized by airport officials.

A shipment of 18 fully intact human heads failed to clear customs at Chicago O’Hare International Airport. They are currently being held by the Cook County Medical Examiner’s Office until their paperwork is sorted out. Once cleared, they should make it to their intended destination, a research facility near Chicago.

Hey, at least they didn’t get delivered to the wrong address.

| Posted in Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia, Take it from Snee, Too Soon?

Take it from Snee: Where the NRA dares not tread

Guys, as you probably noticed on Facebook, there isn’t a Take it from Snee this week. That’s because I’m too busy working on this week’s issue of the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia.

And, let me tell you, this has not been an easy one to put together. People seem to be really on our case after Friday’s tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. As you’ve noticed, we and the NRA have been quiet this week, and for good reason: we don’t have to say a word. Our members will do it for us. It’s called viral marketing, and they have caught Second Amendment Fever!

Just, you know, not "school shooting" deadly. Also, special special thanks to Bill for loaning us his living room for the afternoon.
Just, you know, not “school shooting” deadly. (Special special thanks to Bill for loaning us his living room for the afternoon.)

So, as the nation mourns (again), RAM has nothing to say except that this was a terrible tragedy, and words cannot express how pained we are. Nor can we offer any insight into the actions on that terrible day … but here’s what some ordinary, normal folks (*wink*) have said for us on Facebook and Twitter.

Continue reading →

| Posted in He's Dead, Jim, It Must Be Science!

Einstein’s brain brings the boys to the yard

Only Einstein could explain Kelis’ lyrics.

After Albert Einstein died, his brain was removed, photographed and dissected to discover if it had any properties that made it more likely to make Newton his bitch. And, just to drive the point home that Einstein was better than other scientists, the doctors who gathered this data managed to lose the most important photos and brain samples in human history.

Fortunately, 14 of the photos have recently been found. They show that, on the surface, Einstein’s brain was like yours or mine. But, inside, he was packing extraordinary prefrontal, somatosensory, primary motor, parietal, temporal and occipital cortices. In fact, his prefrontal cortex was massive, which is surprising when you consider his small dancer feet. It was so bulky that Einstein could crack walnuts with his mind … if he were able to remove and swing that cortex like a cudgel.

So, there you go. Einstein’s brain was the total package: brains and brawn. Now, give him your lunch money, freshmen physics students.

| Posted in He's Dead, Jim, Scurry '12, Zombies

Dead politicians tell no tales

Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.

Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.

Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.

| Posted in He's Dead, Jim, Sex Sells

Poland invents a box to keep your boners in


As we wait with baited breath to find out who will bring about the American apocalypse over the next four years, let’s distract ourselves with news from Poland.

Lindner, a Polish coffin company, has ruffled some Catholic feathers with their latest ad campaign, a calendar featuring topless models posing with their product line. The Church has condemned the calendar, saying that, “Human death should be treated with solemnity and not mixed up with sex.” This is a departure from Catholicism’s usual position that there is nothing they can’t associate with sex, like employment, medicine and child care.

Zbigniew Lindner, the firm’s owner, has his own idea: ”We wanted to show that a coffin isn’t a religious symbol. Its a product. Why are people afraid of coffins and not of business suits, cosmetics or jewelry?”

Amen, Mr. Lindner. Because nothing gets a younger woman hotter than primo taste in coffins. You know, if you’re a rich, 90-year-old oil baron.

| Posted in He's Dead, Jim, War on Animals

‘So long, and thanks for all the fish hooks’

Everyone loves the king of the sea, and Beggar was the sea’s Henry VIII. But now the king is dead. (Long live the king!)

Beggar, a dolphin famous for begging for food from boaters in Florida, has died of cheeseburger-related illness. That’s according to biologists who found fish hooks, squid beaks (which are not part of a dolphin’s daily balanced breakfast) and ulcers in his partially-decomposed belly. Beggar was also dehydrated, which, for living underwater is nearly impossible unless fed a highly salty, bacon-wrapped diet.

So, well done, animal warriors. Your efforts have demonstrated that the second quickest way to stopping a dolphin’s heart is through his stomach.