As home to some of our nation’s greatest threats, sometimes we wonder if Andrew Jackson stole Florida from the Spanish and American Indians solely because swamp monsters gave him boners. While the state has always been to alligators and the giant magnet that attracts hurricanes, later residents would import out of control pythons, hotheaded stand-your-grounders and elderly people with alarmingly rising rates of STDs.
And what happens when a new ecosystem is established from outside forces? Segments of that population combine into hybrids perfectly suited to it. And now we’re facing our greatest threat: elderly people who have had enough of our s**t and are armed. Continue reading →
In another decade, the death of who may be this living generation’s greatest example of humanity might have been regarded as a solemn occasion: a time to reflect on his achievements and appraise our own life’s work in comparison.
Fortunately, Nelson Mandela was South African, so that let Americans off the hook.
Instead, we took it as an opportunity to decide who was and wasn’t grieving appropriately and, more importantly, “How is this Obama’s Teapot Dome?” (Having already used Watergate, Katrina, Iraq, and even “Mission Accomplished Moment” to describe the president’s failures, we’re now re-appropriating scandals from the Harding administration.) Oh, and to determine whether the recently ex-living embodiment of dismantling systemic racism was “just another socialist like Stalin, Hitler, and FDR.”
So, on behalf of all my fellow assho Americans, I’d like to thank Mr. Mandela for politely letting us carry on like a pack of baboons for the past several days. A lesser corpse would have rolled through to China by this afternoon after enduring these “stories,” proving just how swell of a guy Madiba was …
In an era where most newlyweds aren’t exactly carnal strangers, it’s difficult to spice things up shortly after marriage. (Doing it in white is pretty much the only novel thing about wedding nights today.) According to the Sunbury Police Department, the Barbours of Harrisburg, Penn. have allegedly found the cure for post-marriage doldrums: murdering some rando from the Internet.
The couple is accused of luring a man off of Craigslist into their car and then strangling him (see what we did there with the headline?) with a cord and stabbing him about 20 times.
The Barbours then allegedly did what every other married couple does after a DIY project: clean up the blood and go out to eat.
While much of the to-do over our current president can be attributed to current peccadilloes — some over political difference of opinion, others over fears that Public Enemy really did usher in a black planet — much of it just comes down to media being media.
Every so often, the entire media focuses on one aspect of a story, only to miss the real story hidden in their report. When that happens, The Guys point out The Real Story.
China, fresh from their row with America’s fourth-most-famous current late night talk show host, is back in the media spotlight, this time for only pledging $100,000 in aid to the Philippines, and then only raising that amount to $1.6 million after the island nation was struck by earthquakes and Typhoon Haiyan. But, the real story is who outbid them:
China’s pledge, which it boosted after getting flack for its original offer of $100,000, is a fraction of the amounts pledged by other countries in the region and much farther away, including the USA, which pledged $20 million. Australia promised $30 million. The United Kingdom offered $16 million. Japan and United Arab Emirates each pledged $10 million. Ikea is sending $2.7 million, according to Unicef.
Yes, Ikea is sending aid to the Phillipines. The only problem is that, once it arrives, the Filipinos will have to put that aid together themselves. So, get ready for the next disaster to hit the archipelago: rising divorce rates and dangerously unsteady malms.
Dallas-Fort Worth’s Fox 4 News and Caption Solutions, their provider of closed captioning, have walked back their claim that Zooey Deschanel was responsible for the Boston Marathon bombing.
During their coverage of the manhunt for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the closed captions reported that police were searching Watertown, Mass. for 19-year-old Zooey Deschanel. But, it turns out it was all an error and that they really meant the younger Tsarnaev brother, and not that there’s a quirky third suspect still on the loose, free to order tomato soup from restaurants that allegedly do that.
Or is that just what they want us to think? We’re through the looking glass here, people.
Knut, the German polar bear, is back from the dead! His taxidermied corpse is now blocking the entrance to the Berlin natural history museum, menacing all who dare learn about trilobites, ancient arrowheads or whatever Germans dig up in their backyards. (Traces of the camps where they eliminated all of the ancient Neanderthals?)
We warned you, Germany. When Knut’s mother abandoned him, we told you he was no good. When he turned on children, we told you it was too late to put the monster back in its cage. When he became a prima donna and wouldn’t perform his two shows daily, we told you that it was time to put him on an ice flow. And now that he’s dead, we told you to leave him be.
A game of tug-of-war at South Monte High School ended abruptly when the rope snapped, amputating a combined nine fingers from two participating students. One lost four fingers on his right hand, and another lost four fingers on her right hand and left thumb, which makes her the default winner since the match ended without a traditional victor. It’s believed that the students had wrapped the rope around their hands, and that this generated the force necessary to snap the rope and tear their fingers off.
The match was part of the school’s annual celebration of Spirit Week. Even if their fingers are reattached successfully, it may take months before they have the full range of motion necessary to convey that they have spirit, yes they do. And until doctors are able to reattach them, the students will be unable to stop farting after the ultimate pulling of fingers.