So, as the link above mentions, maybe take some time to bone up on “Take 5 to Save Lives” to learn more about the signs of suicidal behavior and ways to help a friend or yourself.

Now that we got that of the way: Can you imagine telling callers to a suicide prevention hotline on Sept. 10, 2001 that tomorrow will be a better day?

The family attempted to sue Skull and Bones, Yale University for the theft of Geronimo’s remains. They were rumored to have been stolen by Prescott Bush and later used by his son, George H.W. Bush, and grandson, George W. Bush, to snort various drugs and do things that aren’t necessarily gay if you’re wearing a cowl and will one day rule the world.

Unfortunately, Judge Richard Roberts dismissed the suit because the world’s most famous Native American doesn’t count as a Native American artifact because he was “excavated or discovered before 1990.” (Which seems to imply that the theft of a federal grave equals “excavation or discovery.”)

This leaves Geronimo’s family one option: body raid at Yale!

The man–who once shot a friend just to see what Johnny Cash was yapping about–had a pump implanted in his heart.

The pump is described as a “modest” artificial heart and will help circulate the oil that his body requires to function smoothly (though at some cost to the environment).

The procedure was performed in response to God’s fifth warning to Cheney, a series which kicked off when he was only 37 and increased in frequency and magnitude once he started torturing human beings.

Experts believe that he cannot possibly live through another one, but they do not know the power of the dark side.

Police are still looking for a motive, having already dismissed one theory that the man’s lime green ski cap confused tennis players. Even former KGB tennis enthusiasts have long abandoned the practice of tasing balls before game time.

Once investigations are over, he will be buried in honor of his life’s work: in an unmarked grave and quietly erased from history.

The oldest American is dead; long live the oldest American!

Stunning everyone, 114-year-old Mary Josephine Ray died on Sunday. Ray was the oldest living American and, according to the Gerontology Research Group, the second-oldest living person in the world.

Suspiciously, there is already a new oldest person in America: Neva Morris of Iowa, who just happens to be only three months younger than Ray.

So, the new oldest American is 114-years-old, which means she was running out of time for her own reign … unless Ray was out of the way.

Just where were you on Sunday, Ms. Morris, if that is in fact your name?

But, anyone who’s bound to be offended knows why I’m talking about this today: it’s Who Gives a Rat’s Ash Wednesday. The media month for the Christian Super Bowl of Easter has opened, and adherents will give up things they love for Lent.

Some people give up booze, others smoking. Some women give up chocolate. In short, everyone gets a little bitchier, which simulates how angsty the Pharisees were to drive Jesus into the ground about this time. (Too soon?)

Lent is so tough for the harder partying Catholics (a.k.a., anyone that’s not in rehab at the moment) that they hold a blowout the day before every year called Fat Tuesday, or Mardi Gras. Everyone knows it’s 200 times easier to give up anything the day after a bender: “Oh, I’m never drinking again.” Yeah, see ya at the bar in 40 days … at most.

It’s so serious that every Catholic doesn’t eat meat on Fridays. Whoa, a universal semi-commitment? While that might seem like torture for the average American, not eating meat once a week is like going a day without masturbating: you’ll just catch back up tomorrow. A Bangbros threefer is basically wrapping bacon around a fillet on Saturday.

And the goofiest part? It’s all done because, according to three out of four gospels, Jesus wandered off into the f#%king desert, and he couldn’t find food or water until he found his way back home. (During this time, he separated himself into two dogs and a cat to survive, which can only be found in the Dead Sea gospel of Homeward Bound.) This makes fasting real easy because there’s no goddamn food or water in the desert.

But, to think that you’re honoring/understanding that “sacrifice” is like holding your breath when a movie hero swims underwater. (C’mon, you know you did that for both Star Trek IV and The 13^th Warrior.) It’s not like the hero wants to hold his breath. Even if you hold your breath the entire four minutes, you didn’t save George and Gracie or let the Romans throw you an S&M party. And, unlike Antonio Banderas and his band of gingers, you have the luxury of breathing because you’re not under-f@$king water. If the situation were reversed, they’d breath not only to stay alive, but to make sure there’s no air left for you and the Eaters of the Dead.

What we’ve got here is touchy-feely bulls#&t, the whole “How would you feel if …” chain of thought. Churches have managed to convinced their flocks that, by pretending to understand the sacrifices of the Greatest.Human.Ever, they’ll apply that to living their lives according to his teachings. Or, you can’t learn from school until you play the Teacher Certification Board Game.

The very notion that suffering is tantamount to learning or even achieving, as if Jesus wouldn’t matter unless he suffered and died, is so absurd that it’s no wonder that priests ask us to try it a little bit. “It’s hard going 40 days without Mountain Dew, isn’t it? That’s exactly how Jesus felt up there on the cross: thirsty.”

Lent is just pussified fasting, and fasting is ridiculous. Think about it: “I’ve decided I’m not going to eat for some unrealistic ideal.” That’s anorexia.

That’s chubby girls deciding that, because there are skinny girls in magazines, they’re going to punish everyone by not eating anymore. They’re not going to work out or eat healthier or even put down the stupid magazine. They’re just gonna stop eating until we save them or they die.

That’s not sticking to your convictions; that’s playing a martyr, and no matter what you give up this month, you’re nothing like the real one.

You ever known somebody from New York, particularly from the city? If so, then you’ve probably heard all the talk that comes from New Yorkers: being raised on the mean streets, being able to make it anywhere and–after 9/11–tougher than any terrorist.

After intense bipartisan pressure from U.S. officials, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the relatives of 9/11 victims, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder and President Barack Obama are now considering alternative sites for the trials of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four of his alleged co-conspirators.

Those “tough guys” from “the streets” have suggested safer places, including U.S. military bases and West Point, for five men that have been tortured and held in tiny cells for almost a decade.

So, the next time you have to listen to an obnoxious New Yorker, or even a plain-old Yankees fan, brag about what a badass they are and how New York eats people up and spits them out, let them vent. It’s all they have left.

If you’ve ever been to college, then you’ve had to endure or–god forbid–participate in a drum circle.

Drum circles are an outdoor event where non-musicians bang drums outside because they got a C on a test and blame the latest shooting, election or editorial for their performance. It’s believed that, by participating in a musical performance, participants can alleviate stress by hitting a noisemaker and feel part of a group of other people hitting similar childrens’ party favors. They are notoriously organized by music majors to prove their degree is useful, even if they don’t become the next John Williams.

What they don’t realize is that they feel better because the joy and relative calm of surrounding dorms has been vampirically sucked away by their noise. This is similar to how a Glenn Beck works.

Fortunately, Africa has heard your cries and will address the situation.

In the latest effort for each to paint the other three as downright gunsmoking fascists, three of them said they support lowering the voting age from 18 to 17.

If this happens, the percentage of sober voters is expected to triple. However, the candidates will have shot themselves in the foot if Kennedy returns from the dead.