Category: He’s Dead, Jim

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, War on Animals

Swollen Brains: Knut’s saga ends

Our favorite Knut moment: April 13, 2009 when he turned on his fans.
Our favorite Knut moment: April 13, 2009 when he turned on his fans.

We’ve followed the saga of Knut, the polar bear cub born in captivity in Berlin that Germany — a country prone to unhealthy mass hysteria — fell a little too in love with for years. And now, with his autopsy report, we can officially end this coverage with a final pronouncement. That Knut died the way he lived: by thinking that he was people. Or, at least through a condition that, until now, had only been associated with people.

Knut’s story ends with anti-NMDA receptor encephalitis, which caused his brain to swell, after which he fell into his pool and drowned. Assuming polar bears crap in ice flows, which are mostly water, we can say that he, therefore, died like another 300-pound white superstar on his toilet: Elvis.

Farewell, Knut. In the War on Animals, you were our favorite bear in a cage to rattle.

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, Sex Sells

They’ll live on inside of you forever

"What's taking so long in there?" "I'm lamenting!"
“What’s taking so long in there?”
“I’m lamenting!”

Feelings are tricky. When first experienced, they overwhelm to the point that you’ll honestly believe that you will never feel differently again, especially when it comes to loss and grieving. And then, poof, one day, you don’t feel as bad. And finally, after enough time, you feel a little silly explaining that memorial tattoo of your first cat to any new employers. It’s enough to make anyone feel a little guilty, like maybe our love wasn’t all strong that strong to begin with.

Well, if you can’t maintain the intensity of raw emotion for your lost loved ones, you can at least re-stimulate it for 3 to 15 minutes at a time, depending on your stamina and time between meetings at work. It’s all thanks to Mark Sturkenboom, who is the only man with the exact right name to create a dildo with people’s cremated ashes inside.

So, your loved ones aren’t really gone, not so long as they’re still inside of you.

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim

Online banking: the new immortality

♪ ♬ Heeeere we are! Born to be Kings, we're the princes of the uuuniveeeerse! ♫ ♬
♪ ♬ Heeeere we are! Born to be kings, we’re the princes of the uuuniveeeerse! ♫ ♬

Ever wonder why so many banks have “first” or “one” in their names? It’s possibly because they’re creating a race of immortals who move silently down through the centuries, living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the Gathering: when the few who remain will battle to the last.

Well, prototype immortals, anyway, as evidenced by a woman found dead after six years because her bills were paid automatically through online banking.

The woman in question is believed to have died sometime in 2008, but because her bank account was well-stocked, her bills, mortgage and landscaping payments continued going out as scheduled until March 2013. It wasn’t until her bank foreclosed her home that anyone found her, mummified in her car in the garage.

Hopefully, she hadn’t planned on taking her money with her.

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, Take it from Snee, Too Soon?

Take it from Snee: For his last trick, Nelson Mandela politely let us be dicks

Pictured here already tired of the media's s$%t before his funeral.
Nelson Mandela was already sick of the media’s s$%t before his funeral.

In another decade, the death of who may be this living generation’s greatest example of humanity might have been regarded as a solemn occasion: a time to reflect on his achievements and appraise our own life’s work in comparison.

Fortunately, Nelson Mandela was South African, so that let Americans off the hook.

Instead, we took it as an opportunity to decide who was and wasn’t grieving appropriately and, more importantly, “How is this Obama’s Teapot Dome?” (Having already used Watergate, Katrina, Iraq, and even “Mission Accomplished Moment” to describe the president’s failures, we’re now re-appropriating scandals from the Harding administration.) Oh, and to determine whether the recently ex-living embodiment of dismantling systemic racism was “just another socialist like Stalin, Hitler, and FDR.”

So, on behalf of all my fellow assho Americans, I’d like to thank Mr. Mandela for politely letting us carry on like a pack of baboons for the past several days. A lesser corpse would have rolled through to China by this afternoon after enduring these “stories,” proving just how swell of a guy Madiba was …

Continue reading

| Filed under Facepalm, He's Dead, Jim

Needed: a president who leads … in 1863

Look! Look at what your editorial did to the man!
Look! Look at what your editorial did to the man!

While much of the to-do over our current president can be attributed to current peccadilloes — some over political difference of opinion, others over fears that Public Enemy really did usher in a black planet — much of it just comes down to media being media.

Don’t believe us? Then how does The Patriot-News of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania explain their 1863 post-Gettysburg Address editorial, dismissing the mission statement of the second American century as “silly remarks” deserving a “veil of oblivion.”

Fortunately, the paper retracted the editorial … this year. You hear that, Mr. President? They were wrong. … Mr. President?

Oh, right. Gotta speak into the ground.

Special thanks to Patrick H. for again doing our work for us!

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, KAPLOOIE!, Video of the Day, War on Animals

Tonight, he sleeps with blown-up fishes

It seems to us, he lived his life like a candle in the wind -- never knowing who to cling to when the baleen came in.
It seems to us, he lived his life like a candle in the wind — never knowing who to cling to when the guts rained in.

We quietly lost a hero in the War on Animals on Oct. 27. George Thomas Thornton may not have killed that beached sperm whale in 1970, but he sure as hell finished the job with a half-ton of dynamite.

The Guys would like to think that ol’ George is up there, right now, descending back down on us in millions of hazardous and disgusting little celestial pieces.

In Memoriam:

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, Picture of the Day, War on Animals

Dead bears do Knut wear plaid

Even though he's dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes.
Even though he’s dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

Knut, the German polar bear, is back from the dead! His taxidermied corpse is now blocking the entrance to the Berlin natural history museum, menacing all who dare learn about trilobites, ancient arrowheads or whatever Germans dig up in their backyards. (Traces of the camps where they eliminated all of the ancient Neanderthals?)

We warned you, Germany. When Knut’s mother abandoned him, we told you he was no good. When he turned on children, we told you it was too late to put the monster back in its cage. When he became a prima donna and wouldn’t perform his two shows daily, we told you that it was time to put him on an ice flow. And now that he’s dead, we told you to leave him be.

Sometimes dead is better.

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim

Plan ahead to avoid holiday shipping delays

Airlines lost your heads? Next time, pack them into a carry-on bag that can fit either under your seat or in the overhead bin.
Airlines lost your heads? Next time, pack them into a carry-on bag that can fit either under your seat or in the overhead bin.

If you’re still waiting for a Christmas present to arrive in the mail, including your 18-month membership in the Head of the Month Club, then you may need to make sure it hasn’t been seized by airport officials.

A shipment of 18 fully intact human heads failed to clear customs at Chicago O’Hare International Airport. They are currently being held by the Cook County Medical Examiner’s Office until their paperwork is sorted out. Once cleared, they should make it to their intended destination, a research facility near Chicago.

Hey, at least they didn’t get delivered to the wrong address.

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, It Must Be Science!

Einstein’s brain brings the boys to the yard

Only Einstein could explain Kelis’ lyrics.

After Albert Einstein died, his brain was removed, photographed and dissected to discover if it had any properties that made it more likely to make Newton his bitch. And, just to drive the point home that Einstein was better than other scientists, the doctors who gathered this data managed to lose the most important photos and brain samples in human history.

Fortunately, 14 of the photos have recently been found. They show that, on the surface, Einstein’s brain was like yours or mine. But, inside, he was packing extraordinary prefrontal, somatosensory, primary motor, parietal, temporal and occipital cortices. In fact, his prefrontal cortex was massive, which is surprising when you consider his small dancer feet. It was so bulky that Einstein could crack walnuts with his mind … if he were able to remove and swing that cortex like a cudgel.

So, there you go. Einstein’s brain was the total package: brains and brawn. Now, give him your lunch money, freshmen physics students.