Just the outcome you’d expect
Posted on August 10, 2010
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim, War on Education, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
The descendants of legendary Apache, Geronimo, found out what happens when you sue a notorious secret society that has included two of the last four presidents in its ranks: the case never makes it to trial.
The family attempted to sue Skull and Bones, Yale University for the theft of Geronimo’s remains. They were rumored to have been stolen by Prescott Bush and later used by his son, George H.W. Bush, and grandson, George W. Bush, to snort various drugs and do things that aren’t necessarily gay if you’re wearing a cowl and will one day rule the world.
Unfortunately, Judge Richard Roberts dismissed the suit because the world’s most famous Native American doesn’t count as a Native American artifact because he was “excavated or discovered before 1990.” (Which seems to imply that the theft of a federal grave equals “excavation or discovery.”)
This leaves Geronimo’s family one option: body raid at Yale!
Written by Rick SneeUncle Joe still killing followers
Posted on May 10, 2010
Filed Under Fun Fact, He's Dead, Jim | Leave a Comment |
The owner of a museum dedicated to former top Commie and 31-consecutive-year mustache champion Josef Stalin was electrocuted and bludgeoned to death at a tennis court.
Police are still looking for a motive, having already dismissed one theory that the man’s lime green ski cap confused tennis players. Even former KGB tennis enthusiasts have long abandoned the practice of tasing balls before game time.
Once investigations are over, he will be buried in honor of his life’s work: in an unmarked grave and quietly erased from history.
Written by Rick SneeHis jeans will live on
Posted on November 3, 2009
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French anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss died. In honor of his memory, all pants will be worn at half-mast for the rest of the day.
Another reason to keep your corpse at home
Posted on July 9, 2009
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim | 2 Comments |
Another cemetery scandal has been unearthed (ha!), this time near Chicago, Illinois. Police are accusing some unnamed workers of digging up over 300 bodies in graves nobody visited, dumping the remains and reselling the plots for personal profit.
It’s ghoulish, but what’s the point? Sure, there’s the aspect where the business end was cheating the owners out of their coinage, but did it matter where these dead people were forgotten? Family members weren’t reporting the disappearances, history didn’t care about them … who cares if they become bean-bag chair filler?
(In fact, what may be the few undisturbed graves were those of African-American civil rights pioneers: people who won’t be forgotten for some time.)
So, let’s save the outrage, and maybe reevaluate our country’s obsession with immortalization after death. It’s–clearly–not immortal, and you ain’t no pharaoh. Or, if you’re really worried, keep your dead at home.
Written by Rick SneeJackson death mystery solved
Posted on July 2, 2009
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
The media and the blogoshere are ablaze with the latest news on the death of Michael Jackson and the aftermath. Speculation abounds about what exactly killed the King of Pop while we wait for the toxicology report. Well the wait is over.
Remember Bubbles? He toured with Jacko for a little while in the late 80s, when touring with a wild animal was popular. (Bruce Springsteen toured with kangaroo.) For a time, Bubbles was famous, but he was famous for being Jackson’s second banana. And even if you like bananas, that fact can eat at you.
So over the decades since Bubbles sat quietly in his “wildlife reserve” retirement home in Florida, plotting to kill the monarch who ruined his life. He took time establishing connections in the underground, observing Jackson’s habits and trying to forget how to moonwalk. When the time came, he ordered the regicide. All from behind bars.
With enough patience, every major news story is part of the War on Animals.
Written by Bryan McBournieZombie pilot!
Posted on June 18, 2009
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim, Zombies | 1 Comment |
Pilots used to just be people who got you from point A to point B, and if the flight was uneventful, then that was a gold star for them.
But then Captain Sullenberger had to go and become a hero by crash-landing his plane into the Hudson River.
Well, that’s some bar set for airline heroics. How do you beat a waterlanding that all passengers and crew walk away from?
You land the plane with your ghost.
Awesome, right? The only hitch is that he can only do it once.
Written by Rick SneeAlternate Punchline:
The FAA would not disclose whether the pilot ate the steak or the fish.
Ninjas: Back on the assassination scene
Posted on June 9, 2009
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We know you’re wondering, “Guys, why aren’t you writing more about David Carradine? It’s a hot story right now.” Well, on one hand, we love celebrity deaths, on the other hand, we’re not into snuff.
But there’s another reason: we are not going to pass judgment yet on who killed Bill. (Is that joke dead yet?) We need to leave this one to the authorities as we sit back and watch our DVD box sets of “Wild West Tech” (two Carradines for the price of one!).
We should probably mention that we are afraid of ninjas coming after us. The newest theory out there, because auto-erotic exfixiation is sooo last Saturday, is that a “martial arts mafia” came after Carradine as he was exploring their mysterious world. And yes, this one is the Carradines’ idea.
I just won a bet on how many times I could say “Carradine” in one post. Carradine.
(via DListed)
Written by Bryan McBournieDavid Carradine wins the ‘beloved actor’ game
Posted on June 4, 2009
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Fame is a fickle mistress, much like the sea, only not as wet and the boats are soundstages.
In Hollywood, you can be famous for the roles you’ve played or famous for an astounding number of anti-semitic comments during your DUI arrest, and neither of those mean people care about you. The real testament to true fame and being beloved is how the public responds to your death.
David Carradine is dead and twitter mourns. People genuinely liked him and are affected by his loss.
It makes you wonder who else will inspire posts like this?
- David Schwimmer? Unlikely.
- Ted Danson? Only if he takes Guttenberg and Selleck down with him.
- Andie MacDowell? Depends on how Groundhog Day holds up (so, if Bill Murray keeps his nose clean, then yes).
Only time will tell. In the meantime, goodnight, Mr. Carradine, you prince of not-being-Bruce-Lee.
Written by Rick SneePriorities: Important in headlines
Posted on May 20, 2009
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim, Headline of the Day | Leave a Comment |
Good News: The murdered body of an accounting student slain in 1997 was found.
Bad News: Her 1993 Honda Civic CRX Del Sol is still missing.
C’mon, people. We’re talking about one seriously sweet/slightly-waterlogged ride here. It’s not just a convertible; the roof actually comes off and fits in the trunk as a single panel!
Still not convinced to scour the Ohio River? It’s black, so it won’t show dirt.
Written by Rick SneeUpdate: Georgia to plagiarize killer professor’s grave
Posted on May 15, 2009
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim | Leave a Comment |
As we reported earlier this week, police found the corpse of George Zinkhan in a grave he dug and covered with brush before shooting himself.
While most believe it was suicide after killing his wife and two of her theater associates, there’s also the less popular (or, our) theory that he was making his own tiger trap.
Now state and local officials have almost reached an impass about what to do with his body. Zinkhan’s family hasn’t claimed his body despite repeated calls, and after a certain point, even the morgue decides a body stinks too much.
So, unless somebody steps forward, he’ll be reburied in a “pauper’s grave,” begging the question: and they dug him up why?
Written by Rick Snee keep looking »