Dead bears do Knut wear plaid

Even though he's dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes.
Even though he’s dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

Knut, the German polar bear, is back from the dead! His taxidermied corpse is now blocking the entrance to the Berlin natural history museum, menacing all who dare learn about trilobites, ancient arrowheads or whatever Germans dig up in their backyards. (Traces of the camps where they eliminated all of the ancient Neanderthals?)

We warned you, Germany. When Knut’s mother abandoned him, we told you he was no good. When he turned on children, we told you it was too late to put the monster back in its cage. When he became a prima donna and wouldn’t perform his two shows daily, we told you that it was time to put him on an ice flow. And now that he’s dead, we told you to leave him be.

Sometimes dead is better.

Plan ahead to avoid holiday shipping delays

Airlines lost your heads? Next time, pack them into a carry-on bag that can fit either under your seat or in the overhead bin.
Airlines lost your heads? Next time, pack them into a carry-on bag that can fit either under your seat or in the overhead bin.

If you’re still waiting for a Christmas present to arrive in the mail, including your 18-month membership in the Head of the Month Club, then you may need to make sure it hasn’t been seized by airport officials.

A shipment of 18 fully intact human heads failed to clear customs at Chicago O’Hare International Airport. They are currently being held by the Cook County Medical Examiner’s Office until their paperwork is sorted out. Once cleared, they should make it to their intended destination, a research facility near Chicago.

Hey, at least they didn’t get delivered to the wrong address.

Einstein’s brain brings the boys to the yard

Only Einstein could explain Kelis’ lyrics.

After Albert Einstein died, his brain was removed, photographed and dissected to discover if it had any properties that made it more likely to make Newton his bitch. And, just to drive the point home that Einstein was better than other scientists, the doctors who gathered this data managed to lose the most important photos and brain samples in human history.

Fortunately, 14 of the photos have recently been found. They show that, on the surface, Einstein’s brain was like yours or mine. But, inside, he was packing extraordinary prefrontal, somatosensory, primary motor, parietal, temporal and occipital cortices. In fact, his prefrontal cortex was massive, which is surprising when you consider his small dancer feet. It was so bulky that Einstein could crack walnuts with his mind … if he were able to remove and swing that cortex like a cudgel.

So, there you go. Einstein’s brain was the total package: brains and brawn. Now, give him your lunch money, freshmen physics students.

Dead politicians tell no tales

Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.

Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.

Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.

Poland invents a box to keep your boners in


As we wait with baited breath to find out who will bring about the American apocalypse over the next four years, let’s distract ourselves with news from Poland.

Lindner, a Polish coffin company, has ruffled some Catholic feathers with their latest ad campaign, a calendar featuring topless models posing with their product line. The Church has condemned the calendar, saying that, “Human death should be treated with solemnity and not mixed up with sex.” This is a departure from Catholicism’s usual position that there is nothing they can’t associate with sex, like employment, medicine and child care.

Zbigniew Lindner, the firm’s owner, has his own idea: “We wanted to show that a coffin isn’t a religious symbol. Its a product. Why are people afraid of coffins and not of business suits, cosmetics or jewelry?”

Amen, Mr. Lindner. Because nothing gets a younger woman hotter than primo taste in coffins. You know, if you’re a rich, 90-year-old oil baron.

‘So long, and thanks for all the fish hooks’

Everyone loves the king of the sea, and Beggar was the sea’s Henry VIII. But now the king is dead. (Long live the king!)

Beggar, a dolphin famous for begging for food from boaters in Florida, has died of cheeseburger-related illness. That’s according to biologists who found fish hooks, squid beaks (which are not part of a dolphin’s daily balanced breakfast) and ulcers in his partially-decomposed belly. Beggar was also dehydrated, which, for living underwater is nearly impossible unless fed a highly salty, bacon-wrapped diet.

So, well done, animal warriors. Your efforts have demonstrated that the second quickest way to stopping a dolphin’s heart is through his stomach.

Deflation hits sex dolls especially hard

Turkish authorities mounted a daring rescue, but it was too late: a blow-up doll had committed suicide by jumping into Black Sea. With no identification or known family, she was buried unceremoniously in a trash can in accordance with what may very well have been her final wishes.

This isn’t the first time it’s happened, either. Rescue workers in China recovered another doll back in July. We may never know what’s causing inflato sapiens to take their own lives. All we do know is that life is short, and when love comes your way, keep your nails trimmed.

Sasquashed

When faced with a Bigfoot in the middle of the highway at night, Missourians know exactly what must be done: run it over. This is a war with animals, which means that no human-animal hybrids may be tolerated. (Besides, the cops weren’t around.)

Well, it turns out that sometimes the best of intentions don’t yield the best results. The Sasquatch in question was actually a Yetiot, local human Randy Lee Tenley, who was wearing a sniper’s ghillie suit to stage a Bigfoot hoax. He was struck by two vehicles who could not see him because human eyes don’t shine in headlights and, oh yeah, he was wearing full-body camouflage.

If you’re wondering whether booze was involved, we have a slightly used ghillie suit to sell you.

Not so good, not so bad

In news from 2005 2012, a judge in Alabama signed an order declaring that missing white girl Natalee Holloway has been legally declared dead.

In other news, a disheveled Nancy Grace was seen puttering around town clutching a brown paper bag and muttering to herself “Just what am I gonna do for ratings or segments or anything at all NOW?”