Category: He’s Dead, Jim

Ninjas: Back on the assassination scene

We know you’re wondering, “Guys, why aren’t you writing more about David Carradine? It’s a hot story right now.” Well, on one hand, we love celebrity deaths, on the other hand, we’re not into snuff.

But there’s another reason: we are not going to pass judgment yet on who killed Bill. (Is that joke dead yet?) We need to leave this one to the authorities as we sit back and watch our DVD box sets of “Wild West Tech” (two Carradines for the price of one!).

We should probably mention that we are afraid of ninjas coming after us. The newest theory out there, because auto-erotic exfixiation is sooo last Saturday, is that a “martial arts mafia” came after Carradine as he was exploring their mysterious world. And yes, this one is the Carradines’ idea.

I just won a bet on how many times I could say “Carradine” in one post. Carradine.

(via DListed)

David Carradine wins the ‘beloved actor’ game

Fame is a fickle mistress, much like the sea, only not as wet and the boats are soundstages.

In Hollywood, you can be famous for the roles you’ve played or famous for an astounding number of anti-semitic comments during your DUI arrest, and neither of those mean people care about you. The real testament to true fame and being beloved is how the public responds to your death.

David Carradine is dead and twitter mourns. People genuinely liked him and are affected by his loss.

It makes you wonder who else will inspire posts like this?

  • David Schwimmer? Unlikely.
  • Ted Danson? Only if he takes Guttenberg and Selleck down with him.
  • Andie MacDowell? Depends on how Groundhog Day holds up (so, if Bill Murray keeps his nose clean, then yes).

Only time will tell. In the meantime, goodnight, Mr. Carradine, you prince of not-being-Bruce-Lee.

Priorities: Important in headlines

Hey, maybe the killer installed XM! That would save her so much money.

Good News: The murdered body of an accounting student slain in 1997 was found.

Bad News: Her 1993 Honda Civic CRX Del Sol is still missing.

C’mon, people. We’re talking about one seriously sweet/slightly-waterlogged ride here. It’s not just a convertible; the roof actually comes off and fits in the trunk as a single panel!

Still not convinced to scour the Ohio River? It’s black, so it won’t show dirt.

Update: Georgia to plagiarize killer professor’s grave

As we reported earlier this week, police found the corpse of George Zinkhan in a grave he dug and covered with brush before shooting himself.

While most believe it was suicide after killing his wife and two of her theater associates, there’s also the less popular (or, our) theory that he was making his own tiger trap.

Now state and local officials have almost reached an impass about what to do with his body. Zinkhan’s family hasn’t claimed his body despite repeated calls, and after a certain point, even the morgue decides a body stinks too much.

So, unless somebody steps forward, he’ll be reburied in a “pauper’s grave,” begging the question: and they dug him up why?

Take it from Snee: Let’s talk about death, baby

Between posts about drunken superheroes and Star Trek, I’ve allowed “Take it from Snee” to devolve into a frivolous, silly column. This is not good and must be remedied.

After all, it’s featured on a Web site called SeriouslyGuys — not Whimsically nor Fancy-Freeily, but Seriously. That is why I’ve decided to look at a very serious topic that deserves a straightforward, intellectual examination: what happens when we die.

It’s an important topic because, unless you’re one of the many bots trying to spam this site with porn, you are going to die. Worse yet, everyone who has died has refused to come back …. Well, there was this one guy, but we’re still arguing about what he saw.

So, I know you’re afraid of dying and the unknown, and that’s why you can take it from Snee that this is exactly what happens when you die. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Let’s talk about death, baby

You know they can’t try a corpse, right?

George Zinkhan, a business professor at the University of Georgia, was found dead from, according to authorities, a self-inflicted gunshot to the head. He committed suicide after killing his wife and two of her theater buddies.

Wait, that’s not very funny. If you’re laughing already, you’re not reading this right and might be sick. (Not that we’d judge you.)

The funny part was that Zinkhan dug his own grave first, covered it with brush and branches and then shot himself. Why? So it would be more difficult for police to find his body.

If you’re planning to kill yourself, here’s some handy advice:

  1. If you’re killing yourself, does it really matter if you’re found? This isn’t the Middle Ages. Nobody’s going to put your corpse on trial, have somebody sit behind you and do your voice and execute your body once found guilty (true story).
  2. Always use the buddy system. If you must hide your body, have a buddy cover your grave with dirt or cement … really, anything that will prevent Corey Feldman from poking you with a stick.

Funeral home has no legs to stand on

Did you know that you’re going to die?

Yes, we mean you, right there, reading this post on SeriouslyGuys. And your boss who’s reading over your shoulder right now, too.

Just kidding! No, not about dying. That’s still going to happen, maybe 20 years from now, maybe during your next bathroom break.

The important part is that you need to make sure that you’re buried 100 percent intact. The last thing you need is for your vacated body to rot unevenly once you’re hoisted into the ground while wearing a backless suit and short pants. Dignity, people.

Why do we bring this up? Cave Funeral Services, an Allendale, South Carolina funeral home, is under investigation for possibly severing a corpse’s legs so it would fit into the coffin. Of course, the reports imply that a man’s legs were severed, but let’s just agree that — no matter what you believe — he wasn’t exactly “home” anymore.

The body of the ex-6-foot, five-inch-James Hines has been exhumed from its 2004 grave for investigation by the coroner based on the allegations of a former employee of the parlor.  While the coroner, Hayzen Black, has found “undesirable evidence,” but would not elaborate on whether the ghost of James Hines is in a wheelchair.