Category: Too Soon?

Blasphanimals! Repent your hairesy!

The War on Animals has always been contentious. But, animals have crossed a line and turned this into a holy war. We cannot stress this enough: animals have attacked Jesus.

A newly discovered — by white people, anyway — monkey species has the unmitigated gall to impersonate Jesus Henry Christ de Nazareth. Dubbed the “Lesula,” he lives in the Congo and somehow still knew what Jesus looks like before that lady helpfully restored that fresco in Spain.

But, that’s not all: snakes are mocking the virgin birth! Researchers caught female copperhead pit vipers in the U.S. proving immaculate conception “ain’t no thang,” performing the miracle almost at will. The offspring’s DNA is composed entirely of the mother’s genetics … which means snakes want us to believe God is a snake. Or some dude who impregnates snakes. Either way, it’s time to storm the Herpetology Consulate at your local zoo!

Today’s in-flight meal: Honey

India is no stranger to the War on Animals, what with the monkeys taking over major cities and all. But there is only so much that a country can prepare for, and on Monday, the unexpected happened.

Bees hijacked three different planes out of Kolkata. They didn’t hijack in the traditional sense, they just flew around the cabin and cargo hold, before the planes even took off. Some attacks were made before planes had left the gate, while others were hit as they taxied to the runway.

Folks, this is why we need to be able to bring aerosol cans on flights again.

Sasquashed

When faced with a Bigfoot in the middle of the highway at night, Missourians know exactly what must be done: run it over. This is a war with animals, which means that no human-animal hybrids may be tolerated. (Besides, the cops weren’t around.)

Well, it turns out that sometimes the best of intentions don’t yield the best results. The Sasquatch in question was actually a Yetiot, local human Randy Lee Tenley, who was wearing a sniper’s ghillie suit to stage a Bigfoot hoax. He was struck by two vehicles who could not see him because human eyes don’t shine in headlights and, oh yeah, he was wearing full-body camouflage.

If you’re wondering whether booze was involved, we have a slightly used ghillie suit to sell you.

Calling a tiny shovel ‘a tiny shovel’

Sure, that hive of partially Africanized honeybees in Tennessee was destroyed (and became the working title of our first children’s book). But, that doesn’t mean the threat is over. In other parts of the world, there’s a menace nobody likes to talk about, probably because it sounds a little racist: Africanized elephants.

Well, we can’t keep silent anymore. A zookeeper died trying to keep this secret. She was killed by Mila, a 39-year-old Africanized elephant.

If you’re not worried because you don’t live in New Zealand, you should be. That’s not to say you’re in grave danger here in non-hobbit country. Just make sure to wash your Gala apples to remove any elephant eggs before eating.

You there! Cancer or death?

The Guys take comedy very seriously, and when a new advancement is made in the field of practical jokes, then we feel that it is our responsibility — nay, our duty — to give it the recognition it deserves. Would the inventor of the exploding cigar-sized electronic cigarette please step forward?

Thanks to your efforts, Unidentified Purveyor of Alternative Nicotine Dispensers, a new generation will know the joy of exploding cigars as leaf-based smoking products continue their death march to illegality. And, let’s not forget the cultural impact of your invention: thousands of animated shorts from the 1930s, ’40s and ’50s will remain relevant for using the analog equivalent to your fine product.

But, it also improves on the original. Whereas the analog exploding cigar would blacken the victim’s face and — at its inflammatory — inspire minstrelsy, the digital model induces severe burns, knocks out teeth, severs portions of the tongue and ejects the flaming battery, causing a structure fire if left unchecked.

So, step forward and accept your reward. And afterwards, we’ll smoke a congratulatory e-cigarette. Don’t worry; we always have seltzer bottles on hand. We’re comedy professionals.

Not so good, not so bad

In news from 2005 2012, a judge in Alabama signed an order declaring that missing white girl Natalee Holloway has been legally declared dead.

In other news, a disheveled Nancy Grace was seen puttering around town clutching a brown paper bag and muttering to herself “Just what am I gonna do for ratings or segments or anything at all NOW?”

That’s gotta hurt (their national pride)!

So, did you hear the one about the Polish Colonel who shot himself in the head? He missed.

If you don’t like Polish jokes, did we also mention he’s a lawyer? ‘Cause he is.

Rumors of cannibals’ Octoberfest greatly exaggerated

For the time being, police at the French Polynesian island of Nuku Hiva do not believe German yachtsman Stefan Ramin was dismembered, cooked and eaten by cannibals last month. The dying printed press, however, would like to remind you that it’s still in the realm of newspaper-selling reality.

Remember: A story is treated as a tragedy unless — holy crap! Cannibals!

Does this dead guy know how to party or what?!

Of all the things you can do with a corpse, the “Weekend at Bernie’s” runs a close second to … well, ask your parents. And when Robert Young and Mark Rubinson found their buddy Jeffery Jarrett dead in his home, they (allegedly) knew that Jeff had just delivered them a godsend.

According to police, the two picked Jarrett up off of whatever he died on (please say it was the toilet, please please please) and loaded him into an SUV. They then used Jarrett’s money to pay for drinks and food at two locations, dropped him back off at home — because he’d obviously had enough — and then went back out to a strip club.

At this point, once they had ditched the body, you could argue that they were just taking advantage of their friend’s death to profit. But, explain this: when they got to the strip club, they withdrew $400 from the ATM with his debit card.

You may think you’re tight with your friends, but are you close enough to create a death pact with them, including the PIN to your bank account?