The contents of the sky are falling! The contents of the sky are falling!
Posted on March 15, 2010
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Julie Knight of Coxley, England came home to a gruesome just horrible sight. More than 100 dead and injured starlings had fallen out of the sky and onto her property.
It’s just such a horrible thing to happen. Truly.
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals were unable to determine the cause of the birds death. The birds sustained physical injuries-they were neither poisoned nor did they fly into power lines. RSPCA spokeswoman Helen Cohen believes the birds may have been surprised by a predator:
The only possible explanation we can think of is that something has caused the flock to suddenly change their direction of flight and caused them to hit the ground.
It could have been that a bird of prey could have scared them into doing this, but it is still a mystery really.
The theory at SG Towers? The animals have now begun using kamikaze techniques-en masse. Which is truly terrifying. Who knows if it’ll end with just starlings, which are scary enough with their pointy beaks, and not something larger, like vultures or winged pigs?
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWhy China names years after animals
Posted on March 12, 2010
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
It’s so they know which animals to kill under mysterious circumstances.
Not 10, not 12, but 11 rare Siberian tigers have died within a three month period in one Chinese zoo.
(There are so many f#%ked up factors in that sentence that we ran out of special characters to call attention to every single one of them.)
According to Liu Xiaoqiang–local wildlife protection official–the Shenyang Forest Wild Animal Zoo not only starved the tigers, also kept them in tiny cages.
These are textbook enhanced interrogation techniques. It’s only a matter of time before any remaining tigers talk, giving zookeepers the location of hidden tiger cells.
A prosperous Year of the Tiger to us all!
Written by Rick SneeUndead animals reported in Australia
Posted on March 11, 2010
Filed Under War on Animals, Zombies | Leave a Comment |
If there is one thing that this blog is vigilant about, it’s the ever-present threat that animals pose to humanity, and if we could add a second item to that list, it would be zombies. So what’s the worst-case scenario for mankind?
Zombie animals.
At a zoo in Sydney, Australia, doctors declared a pregnant elephant’s baby had died in the womb. Two days later, the elephant gave birth–and the baby was moving. The baby elephant is now being mistaken by zookeepers as living, and it’s only a matter of time before they realize it is in fact undead.
Frankly, we don’t know what happens with zombie animals. We’ve never heard of them before. But we do know this: zombanimals not only want to wipe us out, they want to eat our brains, too.
Written by Bryan McBournieCanada: Badass?
Posted on March 10, 2010
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Canada may be sort of douchey, especially when it comes to hockey. They’re all, “This is our national sport, we should win the gold medal.” And we’re all, “Hey, we like that game played with the ice and the stick thingies, too!” But you have to grant them one thing: they know how to piss off animal activists and send a message to our foes.
Seals present one of the biggest threats to our kind that we have ever seen. Canada is leading the way in battling them. They included seal skin the the uniforms of their Olympic athletes, they make the English eat fresh seal hearts, and they even eat seal meat.
Now, the Canadian Parliament is going to up the stakes by eating seal meat to fight a European Union ban. Mmmm, bacon-wrapped seal loin.
Written by Bryan McBournieDon’t get your goat
Posted on March 8, 2010
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
The Guys are all about pets. We enjoy having enemy slaves to do our bidding, then cleaning up their poop. But sometimes people make the wrong choice in pets.
They get something dangerous, that should not be kept as a pet, things like snakes, spiders and dogs. Now there is another one to add to that list: the miniature goat. Apparently mini goats are the newest pet fad. They answer to their names, do well in any back yard and supply milk.
What people forget is that the goat, mini or full size, is a dangerous creature. They will eat any junk they find. That includes your laundry, your furniture and your children. Do yourself a favor and don’t buy one of these things, it only encourages other buyers.
Written by Bryan McBournieOklahoma demon spells end of days
Posted on March 4, 2010
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
I really wish we had some stock photos for this sort of thing.
Yesterday, we told you about raining fish, which made us wonder if the world was coming to an end. Today, we bring you a “demon” found in Oklahoma. A hairless creature, later determined to be a raccoon, terrorized a Christian Camp recently.
The raccoon was apprehended by authorities, no word on what they are going to do to extract enemy information from the scary looking thing.
Written by Bryan McBournieAnd lo, the fish fell like rain
Posted on March 3, 2010
Filed Under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
We don’t want to freak you guys out or anything, but the world might just be ending. The only other possibility is that our animal foes have dangerous new technology.
More than 300 of miles away from any water, a desert town in Australia was attacked by hundreds of fish falling from the sky. It rained fish for no apparently reason. The good news is that no one was serious injured.
Now, “scientists” will try to tell you that this happened because a tornado formed over water, sucked up the fish, and deposited them in the town, but that’s a long, long trip for a tornado. This leaves us with the very real possibility that the animals are somehow able to launch themselves into the air en masse so that they can take out our small towns.
Written by Bryan McBournieCelebrity Rehab: Animal Edition
Posted on March 1, 2010
Filed Under Booze News, War on Animals | 2 Comments |
We know that animals want to kill us and rule the world, but did you know that they are also poor role models? It’s true. Just look to Russia.
Traditionally a country on our side of the war, Russians sent a chimpanzee to rehab, yes rehab, for drinking and smoking. In other words, the chimp was basically acting like the average Russian. Rather than kill the beast and be done with it, the Russkies decided to rehabilitate the addict. It’s getting ugly, folks.
Written by Bryan McBournieKey quote: “The beer and cigarettes were ruining him. He would pester passers-by for booze,” the Komsomolskaya Pravda paper said.
If you can enforce a ban, you can enforce a quota
Posted on February 23, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Tokyoh-no!, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
The International Whaling Commission (don’t let the name fool you–they’re ag’in’ whaling) is offering a truce to longtime animal warriors Japan. Instead of continuing their outright ban, which the Japanese dodge by calling their kills “science,” the IWC might permit them to limited whaling with as-of-yet undetermined quotas.
How do the Japanese justify killing the better part of 30,000 whales, the majority becoming food, since 1986 as science?
1) Food science is science. It’s science that you eat. Without out it, there would be no Twinkies, Cheez-Whiz and other “foods.” It’s only a matter of time before the Japanese discover a fish-like substance that tastes like whale.
2) Less whales equals more Japanese people. The world’s seaweed and tiny gross fish supplies are running scarce because whales eat it all. What will the Japanese eat if they can’t cut it up and tie it to rice? Spaghetti-Os?
3) The best technology comes from war. We’re at war, but the Japanese are facing a giant, intelligent foe that may use language to coordinate its underwater convoys. Therefore, any weapons they develop for whaling will lead to peacetime innovations like odorless braces and typhoon guns.
Written by Rick SneeWhere do we sign up?
Posted on February 23, 2010
Filed Under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
The cane toad invaded Australia long ago. Since then, the country has been at war with the large amphibian not because it is an animal, but because it destroys crops. These toxic toads also kill off wildlife that try to eat them.
The newest weapon in the battle appears to be a cat food can. Researchers found that leaving an open can of cat food near a pond where baby cane toads dwell attracts a meat-eating type of ant. The ants also happen to be immune to the toads’ toxins, and they can successfully eat the baby toads.
If we can use the animals against each other, we might just win this thing.
Written by Bryan McBournie keep looking »Key quote: “In one spot we tested, 98 percent of the baby toads were attacked within the first two minutes,” researcher Rick Shine told Reuters. “It was a bit like a massacre.”