We already knew that PETA was an insidious threat to humanity. We just didn’t realize how far their attempts to undermine the War on Animals goes. While, yes, not eating meat means fewer animals die, it also might mean the end of our species, just like the giant panda.
Researchers now believe that it is this lack of nutritional energy that causes pandas lackluster sex drives and general lethargy. They have to eat all day and still need 12 hours of sleep. And now they’re almost all gone.
Make no mistake: this is what vegetarians want. Be a proud animal warrior and eat a damn steak. And then mate! MATE, with your beefy breath!
In the media, we’re always on the lookout for the next big trend. So, if we’re able to connect two things — no matter how tenuously — and we do it first, then we are the new media gods. CNN, FOX, the Ladies of the View … bow down to your new overlords, for The Guys come bearing a news trend.
Two animal heists. One in France, the other very close by in neighboring Wisconsin. Both from zoos, although the one in Wisconsin is called the Special Memories Zoo, which indicates that it may or may not be a petting zoo for dying children. 17 rare monkeys were stolen from one, and a baby kangaroo and four baby goats (or, the rare monkeys of the Wisconsin) were stolen from another.
People, we don’t know why animal liberators are mobilizing and what their endgame is. But, it’s clearly time to panic.
We already know that when it comes to our foes in the War on Animals, they have no regard for decency and lines that should not be crossed, even in war. So, it’s no surprise to The Guys that a newborn macaque hit the British royal family’s newest, youngest member in direct violation of the Geneva Convention and all we hold dear. (Wealthy, inbred white people. That’s what we hold dear.)
The newborn macaque had the gall to be named Charlotte by zookeepers — who we suspect of holding animal-loving sympathies — mere days after Princess Charlotte was born to Prince William and Princess Kate, may they forever reign over Welshmen and unlimited balance credit cards. It didn’t take long for human supporters of the divine right of people kings to take the zoo to task for making a monkey out of people who probably didn’t notice until we all made a huge fuss over it.
Fortunately, Japan’s taking this not-so-slight slight seriously and has already consulted the British embassy for advice. Of course, this is all just a cunning ruse, because what self-effacing British person is going to make them change the monkey’s name?
This is what polite war looks like, people. Fantastic accents, dashing manners and a monkey.
Certain species actually prefer flowers treated with neonicotinoids to plain ass poseys. And that surprised the developers of it because they intentionally made it bitter to avoid such a reaction. Clearly, those researchers don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes (the latter of which contains the opposite of neonicotinoids: old, genuine nicotine).
So, thank you, D.A.R.E. officers for teaching us something useful besides how wearing skin-tight anti-drug t-shirts to raves is a great icebreaker.
We here at SG have laid out some of the biggest threats to civilization. So it should be no secret that two of the top candidates are animals and robots. But what if animals and robots teamed up?
Intel has taken the top spot of corporation reaching James Bond movie levels of sinister with the invention of spider robots. CEO Brian Krzanich, who even has a Bond villain name, demonstrated his companies new technology at a show in China. He showed that just by wearing a device on his hand, he can control at least three spider bots that look to be about the size of a cat.
The countdown to when they are sentient is now on.
The U.S. Supreme Court is a lot like jazz. No, not because of Justice Alito’s long-winding free-form dissent solos. But because, like notes in jazz, you can tell as much about it by the cases that it doesn’t hear as the cases that it does. And this Supreme Court has decided that it does not want to hear about pedicures performed by fish.
The court rejected the appeal of Cindy Vong, a woman who used fish to eat the dead skin off of patrons’ feet at her salon until the Arizona Board of Cosmetology wrapped the practice up in newspaper. Unlike files, chains, blowtorches and whatever else is normally used during pedicures (The Guys don’t go to a lot of bridal showers), fish cannot survive being treated in Barabasol and, therefore, violate health rules. Their ruling means that Vong cannot resume the practice and will have to exploit recent human immigrants like everyone else in the beauty industry.
So, thank you, Chief Justice Roberts and Co., for keeping fish from taking our menial foot maintenance/small talk jobs away. You’re the real heroes in the War on Animals.
For decades now, the media would have you think that carbon monoxide is the worst thing in the world. And why not? Having been named “the silent killer,” carbon monoxide pretty much sounds like the most menacing thing EVER. Darth Vader? Cancer? White people during the Crusades? Carbon monoxide beats them all.
But that’s scary at the silent level. What’s never talked about is the loud killer. And no loud killer is deadlier than a parrot.
Parrots will nip at your fingers. They will poop anytime that they’re let out of their cage. They will keep you up at night. And the worst part is that they will 100 percent break the first amendment. No, they won’t prevent you from speaking, but one of the key parts of the first amendment is that not all free speech is protected, i.e., a person can’t scream ‘fire’ in a crowded theater when there’s no fire.
Animals are one hundred percent the worst. It only makes sense that we’re at war with them! They’re smelly, they initiate fights for no reason, they bring disease … they’re nothing more than the state of Florida given form.
And zoo animals may possibly be the worst of the worst! We give them a home, feed them as needed and what do they do?