Category: War on Animals

| Posted in War on Animals

Animals finally being used as the filthy ruples they are

Jellyfish are the worst. As Nelson Muntz would point out, there are at least two things wrong with that name: they’re neither jelly, nor fish. Here’s what they are: a floating, dangerous nuisance in our waters.

And apparently worth a fair amount of lookdown fish. Aquariums use their own subjects as a source of currency, trading one animal for another. Puffins are like Ozzie Smith cards, snipefish are like Bobby Bonilla and jellyfish are akin to Tony Gwynn.

We still don’t know what a lookdown fish is, but with a name like that, it can only be disappointing.

| Posted in War on Animals

Saying ‘Shell-no!’ to shellfish

Nature sent their latest crustacean warriors at us recently and we found them wanting.

Their first pair of warriors may have been a miscalculation on their part. In Maine, a duo of fishermen dredged up two albino lobsters (warning: autoplay). Their uncolored, all-honkey nature makes them poor warriors and even worse spies, though what’s truly scarier is the news that we’ll have to break to Joe Bates:

“He’s a survivor and he’s one of a kind, and I mean that in a good way,” said Bates.

Then, in Florida, a man caught a shrimp estimated to be a foot and a half long! Not out in the deep sea, but at a dock! The crustacean was this close to striking land! And then, the man that found it, Steve Bargeron, made the worst mistake of his life. Unlike the fishermen in Maine, who dropped off the albino lobsters at a top-flight research facility, Bargeron, after taking pictures of the monster shrimp, threw it back into the water. WHAT?! How can we study our enemy when pity is taken upon them? For shame, sir. For shame.

| Posted in War on Animals

Cobra-watch 2014

We don’t want to alarm anybody in California, especially those in the Los Angeles area, but a cobra is on the loose.


Despite the cobra being an albino (warning: autoplay) and thus notoriously weaker than humans except for the odd telekinetic power that they mysteriously gain, it’s still a cobra, and thus, pretty f*$^ing dangerous. As such, authorities have requested that citizens spotting the all white snake to stay away from it and contact 9-1-1. We also recommend confronting it with the cleansing power of fire … from afar.


Update: We got him.

| Posted in War on Animals

How about you cocka-don’t and say you did?

Why would something with talons need a poking stick? To humiliate higher-functioning, pants-wearing species by sticking it in our plumber cracks.
Why would something with talons need a poking stick? To humiliate higher-functioning, pants-wearing species by sticking it in our plumber cracks.

When animals declared war on humans (they started it, not us), we knew that meant war with all animals. Even alliances with pets are only temporary until all the lions and whatever makes toilet water delicious are gone.

So, it’s no surprise to The Guys that cockatoos — parrots for people who love cleaning up after sass-talking birds but don’t want colorful feathers out of the deal — are not only using tools, but have set up cockatoo terrorist training camps to radicalize vulnerable, isolated birds.

It’s time to write off the cockatoo, folks. Remember: one cockatoo is two too many.

| Posted in Booze News, War on Animals

Cow goes on a mission to ruin Oktoberfest

Just a day after we told you that there are radioactive boars in Germany, we have even more shocking animals news, and this time it affects Oktoberfest.

In Munich, a cow somehow escaped from the slaughterhouse and went on a rampage. First, it gored a jogger, sending her to the hospital. But more importantly, the cow then ran toward a field where workers were setting up tents for the Oktoberfest beer festival, which is just weeks away.

The beast was heading straight toward a worked, when it was blocked by a police vehicle that arrived just in time. Efforts to recapture the cow were unsuccessful, so authorities put it down the old-fashioned way. Because nobody messes with Oktoberfest.

| Posted in War on Animals

Radioactive boars are on the loose

Those crafty Saxons will weaponize them in no time.
Those crafty Saxons will weaponize them in no time.

We’ve got some bad news, everyone: radioactive boars are roaming the famed German forests. Worse yet, there’s nothing we can do but hope they don’t mutate and spawn a race of intelligent hogs.

A study by the German state of Saxony found that more than a third of wild boars have high enough levels of radiation that they aren’t safe to eat. While it makes sense to us that some villain is using some sort of ray gun to irradiate the pigs, researchers believe that it stems from the 1986 Chernobyl accident, which sent radiation into the atmosphere that blew as far as western Europe. Because boars eat things they dig out of the dirt, they have absorbed the radiation, scientists believe.

It’s about time the people formed a mob to root out hideous monsters, don’t you think?

| Posted in War on Animals

Another day, another dumb petition

The Audubon Society of Minnesota wants the Minnesota Vikings to replace the glass found in their stadium with bird-safe glass, solely because birds are flying into the glass and dying.

God clearly does not want these avians to live. If the NFL can’t be concerned with trying to be even remotely friendly toward women, what makes some bird watchers think that the Vikings will be worried about suicidal birds?

| Posted in War on Animals

Spiders: The car’s natural enemy

Bugs are usually at the mercy of our mighty vehicles, but they are starting to turn the tables.

Suzuki is recalling some 19,000 cars because of spiders in the exhaust. Yes, the spiders have struck cars once again. According to the company, the Kizashi cars, which apparently exist, says that spider webs in the fuel vapor vent hose can clog things up and possibly lead to fires.

The good news is that should the your car catch fire, at least the little bastards that caused the problem will die with it.