Now, that war has joined another war: the War on Animals. Except it’s the victim.
This week, a black bear was caught on camera attacking an outdoor Santa Claus lawn ornament (warning: autoplay). The Santa was absolutely destroyed and taken down by the bear. Some might chalk this up to the idiocy of someone putting a lawn ornament up in a forest, but we know the real reason: the black bear in question is a weapon of the Pope, waging his war of Masdamentalescent on the state of California.
Stop it Pope Coolness. Just because you said that animals can make it to heaven doesn’t mean that you should trick them into waging a war. That’s our job.
We’ve all known about the U.S. Navy’s trained dolphins, sea lions and other animals. Now it looks like they are finally moving away from arming our animal foes. That’s the good news. The bad news is that they are building robots instead.
The Navy’s Office of Naval Research is developing a remote controlled robot that looks like a tuna. They want to use it to spy on enemy harbors, but most likely not to be used to collect information on other tuna, which seems like the best use.
Then, of course, there’s also the risk of the robo-fish becoming self-aware, and turning on us. The last thing we need in the War on Animals is a double-agent tuna.
Troubling news this week coming from the Vatican. It seems Pope Francis has finally said something completely tone deaf with modern views: all animals go to Heaven. Here’s what his holiness had to say:
One day we will see our animals again in eternity of Christ. Paradise is open to all God’s creatures.”
Chilling words. If animals go to Heaven, that means they have souls. And if they have souls, they’re just as good as humans. And we’re pretty sure God gave us dominion over the animals. If all animals go to Heaven, what incentive do they have to be good? Because there are some birds out there that are total assholes.
This also means that when we humans get to Heaven, we’re going to be constantly in danger of animals. Want to go strolling through that Heavenly garden? Not unless you want to get mauled by bears. Want to grab a quick swim in the waters of the righteous? Too bad, the water’s infested by sharks.
On the upside, there are dinosaurs in Heaven. Welcome to Jurassic Paradise.
Here’s a reminder to all you warriors out there: furries don’t count as animals, so they are not your enemy. Someone in Chicago didn’t get that message over the weekend.
On Saturday night the Midwest FurFest was in full swing at a Chicago hotel. Then someone dumped powdered chlorine in a stairwell, causing the entire building to be evacuated. Thousands of people had nothing but their fuzzy, animal-like costumes to shield them from the Chicago winter. The chlorine gas was so strong that 19 guests had to be treated for dizziness.
Again, while they may look like animals, there are humans underneath. Do not attack furries.
Owls are bad enough as it is. They can watch things in a nearly 360-degree range, they’re deadly, and they always look like they’re judging you. But now it’s worse.
Apparently, you’re not even safe from owls in the water. In Chicago, an ordinary citizen captured video of a great horned owl doing the breast stroke on Lake Michigan. And it looks like a real jerk at the same time.
We won’t back down. As we move closer and closer to the holiday season, our wartime enemies, the animal kingdom, attempt to throw everything at us. Because of their lack of opposable thumbs and indoor heating, animals are not able to survive the winter, with the exception of a select few of their specialized troops, giving us the advantage.
Reptiles are the first of their warriors to go down. Given their cold-blooded bodies, it of course makes sense that they’d throw their largest warriors in a last-ditch attempt, and they did just that over the weekend in Lakeland, Florida. A local man was able to dispatch a 12 foot long, over 700 pound monster alligator. It may not be hold the record for the largest or heaviest alligator in the state, but Lakeland residents will be able to sleep soundly knowing that they won’t have to contend with such a horrific beast.
What I tell you next, though, may put you through an emotional roller coaster. Almost two months ago, an Arkansas girl was involved in an accident that saw a deer come through opposing traffic and place itself through her driver’s side window, impaling her through her jaws with its antlers. It’s a terrifying event to happen. We’re proud and overjoyed to say that now, Tori Henry has nearly fully recovered, with simply a small scar to show. Even better, that villainous deer is dead and no more.
Swiss animal rights activists are lobbying whatever passes for government in Neutral Chocolateland to ban the cooking and eating of dogs and cats. That’s right: if you ever wondered how a country could hide Nazi treasure and sleep at night, it is from the itis that sets in after grinding dogs into sausage and serving cats for Christmas. (Just 23 days left until your fancy feast, so hang in there, baby!)
If you’re a stranger to the site, then you probably expect us to follow the usual Twitter/Tumblr/Mommy Blogging line of eating pets is wrong. Wrong. We are at war with animals. We have always been at war with animals. And we will always be at war with animals because they are dangerous and tasty, like a stripper in withdrawal carrying a switchblade.
That’s why we are breaking ranks with our fellow Social Media Justice Warriors to say that it is dangerous to simply stop eating an animal just because somebody somewhere is cuddled up with one right now by a warm fire. Or luring it out of a Christmas tree. What’s next? Not eating ponies, just because little girls have a hard-on for them? Neigh to not eating animals, we say. Not meow, not ever.
Hey, people of St. Paul, Minnesota? Umm, could you maybe do us a favor?
Sooooo, we had a super rare hummingbird locked up in a cage over at SG Towers. It was all part of our plan to rid the world of the rufous hummingbird, thus depriving one more species of enemy.
Except, uhhh … there was a snafu. The bird got loose and apparently is now found in your neck of the woods. How crazy is that?! Look, if you find it, by all means, capture and send it back to us please. We’ll reimburse you with many internets. If you can’t capture it, well, you’re Minnesota in November and it’s a hummingbird. Nature will take over soon.
We may think of animals that live in the Antarctic as cute, and because they live so far away from us, we may not consider them a threat. We should. Turns out they’re trying to create a master race of seal-penguins.
Researchers observing Antarctic wildlife reported and recorded numerous instances of fur seals chasing down and copulating with king penguins, and the flightless birds did not seem to consent, either. This has to stop. They are attempting to create a new weapon against us, and besides, we shouldn’t condone sexual harassment in any form.