‘Presume’ nothing with tigers
Posted on August 27, 2010
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A woman was caught by Thai airport security with a sedated tiger cub in her carry-on bag. She attempted to smuggle the world’s orangest dangerous animal by filling the bag around it with stuffed toy tigers.
So, Time. If the tiger cub’s so “presumably adorable,” then how come it stuck out like a sore thumb against so many precious stuffed animals? Sounds like it was too ugly to pass the Hobbes Fantasy vs. Reality Tiger Test.
But that’s not the end of the story. The tiger’s destination? Iran.
Written by Rick SneeThe city’s running wild
Posted on August 25, 2010
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When you’re a third world country, you have a lot of free time on your hands. You don’t have the resources to develop infrastructure, so whatever money doesn’t go into keeping the people from rising up against you can basically be blown on other things first world countries can’t do, because they have things like “national security” to worry about.
And when it comes to care-free countries, there are few as prosperous as Sudan. Now that that whole “civil war/genocide” thing is over, it’s time to let the good times roll! How do the Sudanese let loose? You guessed it, they design cities to be shaped like animals.
Wait a minute, that’s pretty much declaring your allegiance with the enemy. Sudan, we’re coming for you!
Written by Bryan McBournieTerror in the skies
Posted on August 23, 2010
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For as long as they have existed, birds have been the nemesis of planes. It’s a rivalry that goes back centuries. We most recently saw the tension between the two with the Miracle on the Hudson. Now, the confrontation as moved its way to Scotland.
A vulture named Gandalf was at a bird show in Scotland when he took off, soaring to heights that air traffic controllers in the area had to warn pilots that the bird may be as high as they are. The escapee has not taken any planes out of the sky–yet, but it has flown the coop and has yet to be seen.
Written by Bryan McBournieBearijuana
Posted on August 19, 2010
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The animals have been used to attack us, now they’re being used to protect substances that inhibit us. No folks, these animals weren’t making whiskey, in fact, we’d cut them slack if they did. No, Canadian bears (the worst kind, eh?) were found protecting a marijuana crop in Vancouver.
When reached for comments the bears just smiled, spoke like a Californian and asked us for our pic-a-nic basket.
Written by Bryan SchoolsWe’re gonna need more handcuffs
Posted on August 19, 2010
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Sure, everyone’s worried about sharks because they are at the beach this time of year, but there’s one threat that never goes away: bees.
They’re small, they travel in numbers too great for humans to compete with, they sting, and they have zero respect for the law. In North Carolina, bees swarmed around a sheriff’s deputy’s car, keeping him contained in the vehicle for over three hours. The deputy found a disabled truck carrying bees, and they escaped (the bees, I mean). The insects wasted no time going after the cruiser. Eventually beekeepers smoked them off.
Written by Bryan McBournieAd space made better with invisible actors
Posted on August 16, 2010
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PETA: the terrorist organization that you can’t live with them, the terrorist organization you can definitely live without them. That’s probably the attitude that Dodge shares with us. A recent commercial by them had the company dress a chimpanzee up like Evil Knievel. We have no problem humiliating animals by putting them in funny outfits for the benefit of laughter, especially when they are performing a task for us.
But no, PETA felt that was far too much. Why should an animal do a job for us? As such, they began the most terrifying of actions: a letter-writing campaign.
However, Dodge magnanimously decided to respond back to said campaign.
Dodge apparently got PETA’s message and decided to have a little fun. They made another similar commercial touting an upcoming summer clearance sale, only this time, instead of a monkey, they cast … drumroll, please … an invisible monkey.
Don’t worry PETA. You don’t have to worry about any invisible monkeys being injured. But man oh man, is PETIS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Invisible Simians) gonna be pissed.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorBad fashion never looked so good
Posted on August 10, 2010
Filed Under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
If you had to choose between two things you hated, what would you do? Do you hate PETA or women who where Uggs more? It’s like the reverse Sophie’s choice.
Miss Australia is feeling the wrath of both fashionistas for wearing Ugg boots. The Miss Universe contestant is under fire from the animal rights group because her outfit involves animal fur, which for some reason is a bad thing, and people who just hate it when women wear those boot things.
Seriously, do you take the evil PETA’s side, and condemn the Uggs, or do you stand up for humanity and support Miss Australia’s choice to wear fur?
Written by Bryan McBournieWarrior of the Week throwdown: Jack Hanna vs. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Posted on August 9, 2010
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Even though we took a break last week, the War on Animals did not. We’ve got some work ahead of us here, with two nominees for Warrior of the Week.
First up, Jack Hanna (above, after a stupid commercial), who was attacked by three grizzly bears in Glacier National Park. Hanna and a group of other humans were seconds from being mauled for no reason when the animal expert whipped out his bear spray (yes, this is real) and got the beasts to go away. He saved the lives of five people, including himself!
Next up Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, really. He recently bashed Paul, the octopus who correctly predicted the outcome of all of Germany’s World Cup games, saying that he was nothing more than superstition, and that world leaders should instead look to religion for their values.
It’s hard to agree with Ahmadinejad on the whole West-hating thing, but the man does set an example other world leaders should follow: that of publicly condemning animals, especially ones that may have power over our sporting events.
So, who ya got?
Written by Bryan McBournieMachines that do the work for us
Posted on July 28, 2010
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You know what are great? Dams. Not just because they make cool waterfall things and keep the river downstream from ever flooding over, but they also can be harmful to wildlife.
According to a report by the World Wrestling Federation World Wildlife Fund, any of the 11 proposed hydropower dams on the Mekong River in Southeast Asia could end the Mekong giant catfish’s tenure here on Earth. The fish can grow up to 10 feet long and weigh up to 770 lbs. (!) and would be too large to swim across any of the dams, blocking these car-sized monsters from reaching their spawning grounds.
Not only does hydropower do all this, it’s also a clean form of energy. Where exactly is the down side?
Written by Bryan McBournieHide your porn stars and waitresses!
Posted on July 27, 2010
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This is a breaking emergency bulletin for all of our readers in South Africa!
Residents of the Delmas district of South Africa, 40 miles east of Johannesburg, have spotted a Tiger on the loose.
Although Tiger has been raised by humans his entire life and is considered tame, he should not be approached. Blondes–especially those with fake breasts–should be kept indoors and away from windows until Tiger is safely back in his truck.
Do not attempt to offer Tiger any corporate sponsorships as you’ll end up spending more on bizarre apology ads later.
SeriouslyGuys will update with further bulletins until we can confirm that this potential PR crisis is over.
Written by Rick Snee keep looking ยป