Category: War on Animals

| Posted in War on Animals

Another day, another dumb petition

The Audubon Society of Minnesota wants the Minnesota Vikings to replace the glass found in their stadium with bird-safe glass, solely because birds are flying into the glass and dying.

God clearly does not want these avians to live. If the NFL can’t be concerned with trying to be even remotely friendly toward women, what makes some bird watchers think that the Vikings will be worried about suicidal birds?

| Posted in War on Animals

Spiders: The car’s natural enemy

Bugs are usually at the mercy of our mighty vehicles, but they are starting to turn the tables.

Suzuki is recalling some 19,000 cars because of spiders in the exhaust. Yes, the spiders have struck cars once again. According to the company, the Kizashi cars, which apparently exist, says that spider webs in the fuel vapor vent hose can clog things up and possibly lead to fires.

The good news is that should the your car catch fire, at least the little bastards that caused the problem will die with it.

| Posted in War on Animals

Finally, animals we DON’T have to shoot

The enemy of my enemy is still my enemy except when he’s stuffed.

This is the battleplan being put into place in Meredith, New Hampshire. As we all know, geese are jerks, straight up. They will attack anyone, anywhere and they’re highly territorial, though owning no territory. Even worse, they’re Canada geese, meaning that for the first time in history, a town in the United States actually is being besieged by a gang of illegal immigrants.

But Meredith is prepared. Despite the town being located so far north that you wouldn’t expect a desert animal like coyotes to be living there, stuffed versions of coyotes are being placed all along the waterfront and lawns in order to scare off the birds.

And by jove, it’s working. But it may not work unless the coyotes are moved regularly in order to fool the geese. So if you’re a resident of Meredith, move them around and put some fear into Canada geese.

| Posted in War on Animals

New Smyrna Beach? More like New Camp Crystal Lake

Florida just got a lot more scarier.

This past weekend, over just the course of Saturday and Sunday, New Smyrna Beach saw 406 jellyfish stings. That’s not just scary, that’s terrifying.

People, the animals are clearly mobilizing their forces. When over 400 people get injured over just two days, that’s not a random bit of chance, that’s planning. There’s only one thing we can do: get a ton of napalm, coat the water with it and set the sea aflame.

| Posted in War on Animals

In battle for habitat, it’s nudist vs. nature

Passage Key, Florida is a federally protected habitat for several species of rare birds, but now an invasive species is threatening them: nudists.

Boobies and peckers have flocked to the fairly remote key because the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service can’t patrol it very often. And because of that as many as 200 nudists at a time make their nests on the beach, scaring off the local wildlife.

We’re assuming that the number of bird watchers has also increased.

| Posted in War on Animals

If your internet’s out, it could be sharks

The internet isn’t a series of tubes, it’s a series of wires. And many of those wires are underwater. The animals know this, and are trying to exploit our weakness.

Apparently, sharks like to eat fiber cables that we use to share cat videos with the world. They either just like to bite things they find, or they enjoy the taste of them. Either way, they are intentionally going after our communications networks, which means a large-scale attack may be imminent. The problem is so bad that Google is now wrapping its cables in Kevlar.

The battle rages on.

| Posted in War on Animals

Cougars don’t like the opera

Do you hate the opera? Guess that means you have something in common with our mortal foes, the animals.

A woman was hiking in Colorado when she came face to face with a cougar, and not the sexy older woman type. As the cat was sizing her up, Kyra Kopestonsky began singing opera. The cougar did not appreciate being serenaded, and eventually backed off.

This is a strong case for keeping the arts in our schools.

| Posted in War on Animals

N.Y. doesn’t care for your ‘tiger selfie’

You too, Mr. Woods.
You too, Mr. Woods.

In the war against deadly selfies, New York state has taken a bold step against this threat. This week, the state banned “tiger selfies,” or selfies with a tiger. This is a trend that’s sweeping the internet now. Never head of it? You’re not alone.

“I had no idea what a tiger selfie was,” said Assemblywoman Linda Rosenthal, a Manhattan Democrat. “This is a serious issue.”

Assemblywoman Rosenthal is right. This not-at-all-made-up trend of guys taking selfies with tigers or other big cats to impress the ladies is serious. And just because no one’s ever heard of it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be banned, especially since New York is famous for its big cat populations roaming its vast rainforests and arid plains. So it’s a good thing that the state government reacted without thought to make sure it never happens again.

You wanna take a picture with a big cat? Take that crap to Connecticut!

| Posted in War on Animals

Success is here again!

People, we may be onto a giant series of counterattack successes. First, Barbara Glaff figures out a way to turn allies against each other. And now? Now?

We can stop mice from eating. Everything.

Scientists at CIT “accidentally” stumbled onto a network of cells that can turn appetites on and off (warning: autoplay). Through light signals, the scientists were able to stop the mice from eating, even while eating. Some want to use this technology as a form of weight-loss and appetite suppressant for humans.

I’m thinking otherwise. After all, it’s hard for an army to fight if it won’t eat.

| Posted in War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

Warrior of the Week: Barbara Glaff

It’s taken quite a bit of time, but we’ve done it. We finally managed to counter our enemies some: the bats are eating the mosquitoes (warning: autoplay).

In the Jupiter Farms area of Florida, mosquitoes have typically been a major threat to the good people of the land. But no longer: Barbara Glaff has a plan. Glaff has installed a place for bats to live in. But they don’t live for free. No, they are our enemies, and as such they must earn their keep.

Their monthly rent is to eat the mosquitoes, technically their allies in the war against us. Genius! The bats have nearly eliminated the mosquitoes from the local ecosystem, thus making the land suitable for humans once more. Huzzah!