The English summer of animal-related terror (we need to come up with a better name than that) continues on. We don’t want to alarm anyone, but Great Britain could be in the process of being overrun by tarantulas.
Britons, we’re not sure how to put this, but there could be some bird-eating spiders on the loose right this very moment. In Derbyshire, England, 10 pots were found in the parking lot of a store. All of them were labeled, “Brazilian pink bird-eating spiders.”
That’s somewhat odd, but not really cause for concern. But was is cause for concern is that two of the pots had been broken after being hit by cars. Three baby tarantulas were found in the other pots, and authorities worry that the parents may have escaped.
Bird-eating tarantulas on the loose? Maybe they could eat the drunken seagulls at the beach.
Sleep is pretty awesome. And yet, when you sleep, you are vulnerable to all sorts of attacks, like large animals falling on you.
In upstate New York, a man was sleeping in his bed, probably enjoying a nice peaceful dream offering him an escape from the frustrations and disappointments of everyday life, when a snake fell on him. A six-foot-long boa constrictor fell from the ceiling and landed on him, we’re assuming that woke him up. Imagine the terror of being woken up by the sudden impact of an animal falling on you, then discovering that that animal is a huge snake.
Turns out the boa constrictor escaped its enclosure somewhere else in the apartment building and was out for a stroll. Amazingly, no one was arrested and the snake wasn’t put down.
Sleep with one eye open tonight.
Despite all the songs, shows and movies promoting it, living in California sounds pretty awful. You’ve got droughts, wildfires, earthquakes and Sacramento. And now you have bears stealing your booze.
A Southern California couple was relaxing with some margaritas in the pair’s backyard hot tub, when there was a bustling in the hedges. They were able to retreat into the house before a large bear came out and took over their party. The bear hopped into the hot tub, then knocked over the margaritas and licked them up. Not cool, bear. Not cool.
Of course, Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department claims to have searched for the bear but was unable to find it. Bet they would have searched harder if it was a black bear.
Another summer, another assault on Britons by aggressive and unruly seagulls. This year, they’re getting drunk and rowdy.
In South West England, seagulls are getting drunk off of half-full (or half-empty) alcoholic drinks that people abandon on the beach. Which is concerning first, because if you can’t finish a drink, you shouldn’t order it in the first place, Nigel.
These drunken seagulls caw loudly, and probably say some crude stuff to women on the boardwalk. Firefighters were called when one seagull fell off of a roof and was too drunk to fly. The bird then threw up on a firefighter.
The seagull and two of his friends were taken in to the drunk tank.
Things always get weird around the World Cup. It’s been eight years since Paul the Octopus correctly predicted all of Germany’s matches, and then died. A new octopus has risen to the challenge, and got straight-up murdered for it.
Rabiot correctly predicted all three of Japan’s matches in the opening round of the 2018 World Cup, but his psychic abilities and sudden game weren’t enough to save his life. The giant Pacific octopus was chopped up and sent to the market as seafood, according to reports.
The Guys, of course, cheer Japan’s decision to treat its food like food, no matter how endearing it might become. We can’t risk having psychic octopi living long enough to overtake us.
Believe it or not, there are still some people out there who don’t believe that we’re at war with the animals. They don’t like the idea that we’re locked in a battle for supremacy. We are literally battling for control of the world. And then the monsters come.
In Sweden, the residents of a town have been told to stay indoors because a pack of unusually large rats invaded. And by “unusually large” we mean the size of cats. The town of Sundsvall warned its residents to keep the doors and windows closed, and local schools held recess indoors because the monsters showed up.
These huge rats showed up because a new recycling center in town took away their habitat. Great, giant rats with a beef.
Mosquitoes remember you long after they have bitten you or been shooed away. They’re basically the Adeles of the insect world.
According to a new study, mosquitoes will remember you if your blood is particularly tasty, which may be why you get bitten again and again. This seems like a solid reason to avoid sweets any time you’re going to be outdoors for an extended period of time.
Scientists also learned that the blood suckers will remember to avoid you if you swat at them. So flail around like a crazy person for a few minutes when mosquitoes are around, and you’ll never have to worry about them bothering you.
A graveyard in Massachusetts has been the subject of vandalism — very unpatriotic vandalism at that. Someone is stealing the flags from the graves of veterans. And unsurprisingly, it’s the animals that are to blame.
Flags placed at graves for Memorial Day were reported missing or vandalized in the days that followed, prompting an investigation by local authorities. Now, police have identified their leading suspect: a groundhog that hates America. The investigation is ongoing, but authorities say it seems most likely to be the work of an evil groundhog, and if it is, they will catch it.
Folks, in times as divisive as these, the animals are trying to divide us even further. Let’s come together, not as Red America and Blue America, but as humans, and eliminate these vermin once and for all.
There have been a lot of reminders lately to reach out to friends who may be going through a tough time. Mental health is important. So we need to ask, has anyone checked on England yesterday?
Yes, Great Britain, the country you haven’t thought about since the royal wedding. The country just awarded the title of sexiest cow. Char, a Jersey cow from Devon, took the title. It was reportedly quite a tough decision, as numerous entries were made — for the title of sexiest cow. Judges from a U.K. seed company, which hosted the competition, shortened the list to 40 candidates, and eventually chose Char.
Can someone call up England and see if they want to talk about things?
Opioids: they kill pain, they destroy lives and they make it tough to poop. We thought it was just a problem for humans, we were wrong.
A new study has found that mussels in Puget Sound are hooked on opioids, too. Researchers tested mussels in 18 different areas of the sound, and three of those areas tested positive for oxycodone. And get this, the liberal hippie scientists in Washington state claim it’s not the addicts’ fault. Instead, they blame humans, who take oxy and then pee it out, and that pee makes it into Puget Sound, where the mussels absorb it.
The mussels say they just like to party and can quit any time they want, and they don’t care what you think about them.