Category: War on Animals

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

It’s like we don’t even know our best friends anymore

Oh, sure. They'll hug us when they want it, but never when we're OK with it?
Oh, sure. They’ll hug us when they want it, but never when we’re in the mood?

We’ve all seen it happen: one day, your best friend just suddenly changes. Maybe he or she’s phoning it in at work. Or maybe your hugs just don’t have the same awkward sexual chemistry that you used to pretend doesn’t exist. We don’t know why it happens; all we do know is that we don’t even know dogs anymore.

We’re not sure when it went south, but dogs are definitely not helping us find the really good drugs like they used to. The sniffer drugs are only finding smuggled meat and cheeses at Manchester Airport in the United Kingdom. Preventing the illegal import of food part of their job, too, but you just know they’re skimming a little off the top for themselves while letting perfectly good heroin pass through.

But, not only are they slacking off on people work, we also noticed that, looking back on our old Flickr accounts, dogs don’t even like our hugs. In fact, they’re often looking uncomfortably away, perhaps at someone else whom they do want to embrace.

You’ve broken our hearts, dogs. And now you’re the enemy in the War on Animals.

| Filed under War on Animals

Parrot jerk nearly gets owner arrested

If animals can’t kill or injure you, they will try to ruin your life by getting you arrested. It’s just a fact.

Police in Ontario responded to a man’s house after neighbors reported sounds of a domestic disturbance going on inside. You know it’s bad when your neighbors can hear your argument. What they found they weren’t prepared for.

Authorities said they found the man inside his house screaming death threats at his pet parrot. The man had apparently had a few drinks, and told the officers that the parrot had been yelling at him, and he was simply responding in kind. But of course, the parrot kept its mouth shit around the officers. Luckily, the man wasn’t charged.

| Filed under War on Animals

Science: Bees are people, too

A scientist and a philosopher made waves this week when they suggested that honeybees could have the capacity for consciousness.

According to the paper, honeybee brains are able to collect and process information about their surroundings much like the human midbrain. And the midbrain is basically all you need functioning in order to be considered alive and conscious. The Guys say, yeah, we know. You see, we’ve known that bugs and other animals are well aware of their actions, that’s why they have teamed up and continue to plot against us.

Now that science is finally coming around, we look forward to these same researchers helping us to wipe these evil beasts off the planet once and for all.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Drunken turkey frames college kids

Despite what the so-called media may report, animals aren’t innocent. In fact, some of them can be real jerks, as a few college kids in California found out.

The “official” story is that some college kids stole a turkey from a local high school and later returned it, missing some feathers and reeking of beer. But we know better. In Orange County, Tim the turkey somehow convinced three college students to let him out of his pen and take him on a wild ride. He likely plied the boy with alcohol, and got them in to trouble, as only turkeys can.

Of course, the kids were arrested, and the turkey was simply returned to its pen. Welcome to Obama’s America.

| Filed under War on Animals

George Clooney held captive by mating toads

Folks, the animals have struck and struck hard. We fear for the safety of George and Amal Clooney. Their property in England has been overrun.

According to volunteers, nearly 5,000 toads have been caught trying to infiltrate the Clooney mansion’s grounds to reach a series of ponds because it’s mating season. The horny toads are migrating under the pretense of multiplying, but this is merely a thinly-veiled assault on two of the most important people in the world.

We do not have confirmation of the location of the Clooneys, all we can do is pray that they are safe right now.

| Filed under That Wacky New Zealand, War on Animals

Humanity in peril after octopus escapes aquarium

Folks, there’s just no way around it, we’ve had an escape from one of the highest security aquariums in New Zealand. Inky the octopus is at large.

The story reads like long series of errors on the warden’s part. Inky the octopus had capture the hearts and minds of many kiwis. So much so they everyone kind of ignored him in a back room. Authorities say Inky, who was serving time at the National Aquarium of New Zealnd, escaped his tank by squeezing through small gap between the tank and its lid. Security lapse, right there. He then made his way across the floor a matter of feet and made it to a drain pipe that flows out into the ocean. Really, warden? You dug the prisoners an escape tunnel?

And now it turns out that this daring escape happened months ago. New Zealand is only now reporting to the world that a deadly octopus that now knows our secrets has been out there, swimming in the ocean, posing a threat to all humanity. Way to go, kiwis. (You’re welcome for not saying “eight-armed and dangerous.)

h/t James

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Science: Blame your car accident on the cat

DO NOT EAT. May contain parasites.
DO NOT EAT. May contain parasites.

Cats–many people call them pets, your girlfriend spends most of her time looking at pictures of them online. But are they evil? The answers is yes, of course, but not for the reasons dog people are thinking.

According to researchers, cats can infect you with a parasite that can actually mess with your brain. Toxoplasma gondii can be found in cat feces, as well as their paws, and has been documented to cause increased levels of aggression in humans. If you’re infected with it, you can even have a slower reaction time. If this rings a bell, these bastards have already been linked to mental illness.

That means that if you have T. gondii, you can blame your car accident and your road rage on your cat. Still think they’re cute?

| Filed under War on Animals

Say, what’s up with those militarized dolphins?

It’s been a while since we last checked in on the military dolphins left over from the USSR. Nearly three years ago to the day, we warned you that some Ukrainian dolphins with special military skills went AWOL. Luckily, we haven’t seen them since.

But now, Russia wants some more dolphins. You see, when Russia invaded Crimea a couple years ago, they captured the Ukrainian Navy’s prized killer dolphin unit. Now it looks as if Russia wants to expand that program. The Defense Ministry is offering $24,000 for five bottlenose dolphins for unknown reasons.

Let’s keep in mind that these things have worked with knives and guns specialized for their use. Russia, you have teamed up with the enemy of all mankind. This will not stand.

(h/t Stephanie)

| Filed under War on Animals

Some animals want to watch the world burn

This is what a fish-stuffed hydrant looks like.
This is what a fish-stuffed hydrant looks like.

We’ve seen an increase in attack on infrastructure in recent weeks. Most notably, birds knocking out our nuclear power plants. But the animals have gotten even craftier.

In Nova Scotia, Canada, firefighters rushed to the scene of a grass fire this week, probably because there aren’t many building there to catch fire. When they hooked up the hose to a fire hydrant, no water came out. They later found that the hydrant was completely clogged with fish.

The good news here is that we’re still finding new ways to kill fish, but the bad news is that this tactic could put us all in danger.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells, War on Animals

Great tits: worth paying attention to

Just one of these in your hand is worth two in the bush. (When birds can express that level of sophisticated thought, then we can say they've mastered language.)
Just one of these in your hand is worth two in the bush. (When birds can express that level of sophisticated thought, then we can say they’ve mastered language.)

We always wondered what it would be like to talk with animals. It turns out that animals can talk, we just didn’t listen. Fortunately, they finally found the only means of communicating that — as women will attest — The Guys will pay attention to: great tits!

Scientists studied the calls of Japanese great tits (with that distinction, we’re obviously talking about birds) and discovered that they use combinations of chirps to convey complicated messages. Basically, they use syntax — grammar and vocabulary — just like people, albeit with far less of each and fewer stupid rules carried over from Latin.

So, we’re now retroactively offended every time a couple of tits refuse to speak English in front of us. You just know they’re squawking something about the tops of our heads.