Category: War on Animals

| Posted in War on Animals

Snakes in the mail

It seems like there’s a new data breach reported every day lately. We now have reason to believe it’s the animals that are doing it.

A woman in Illinois was surprised when a package arrived at her door. She was even more surprised when she opened it up to find a baby python inside from a reptile dealer. She was still more surprised when she learned that someone, or something, had ordered the snake using her credit card.

The only reasonable answer is that the animals are mailing themselves to humans, using our own dying systems against us.

| Posted in War on Animals

Snails keep radio off the air

The latte-swilling intellectuals of Hawaii have to find something else to listen to now, because Hawaii Public Radio is off the air in some places, because of snails.

Some nasty storms knocked out HPR’s main relay facility last month, the signal has been hard to come by for part of Oahu. Repairs can’t happen because an endangered species of tree snail is mating there right now. That means crews can’t go into the forest without supervision, and coordinating that takes time.

Even snails are a threat to our way of life.

| Posted in War on Animals

Spiders now moving into nightmare house strategies

It’s October, which means it’s time for Halloween, and boy oh boy, do we have a terrifying story for you. Who’s seen The Shining? How did you feel about the flood of blood? Have you ever seen The House That Dripped Blood?

Try, instead, The House That Oozed Spiders.

At a civil trial in St. Charles County in October 2011, University of Kansas biology professor Jamel Sandidge — considered one of the nation’s leading brown recluse researchers — estimated there were between 4,500 and 6,000 spiders in the home. Making matters worse, he said, those calculations were made in the winter when the spiders are least active.

Luckily, the house is now being tented and fumigated. It’s theorized that should kill everything that may remain in the house, but just in case it doesn’t, a tactical nuke from space couldn’t hurt.

| Posted in War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

Warrior of the Week: Dan Garza

You know, we probably don’t give enough credit to ants. Oh, sure, they’re incredibly easy to kill. Crush them, smoosh them, they’re nothing to us. Except, there’s never just one ant, there’s always at least two around. Ants are quite literally quantity over quality.

That’s why Dan Garza might be more of a hero than we think. The California Highway Patrol officer was just doing his job when he answered a call on an interstate. A traveler asked him for a little help with a blown-out tire, there was nothing to it. And then the ants struck.

While kneeling, the motorist had been bitten a ton of times by fire ants, and as such, had an allergic reaction. Garza proceeded to keep the motorist alive with a oxygen mask until paramedics came by. The officer is now being honored for saving the man’s life. Presumably he’ll also be honored for eradicating the insectoid offenders.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Killer whales may be listening to you right now

It’s just bad news after bad news for this one. Prepare yourselves, everyone.

Bad news: Studies have found that at least two species of animals can learn each other’s languages.

Worse news: The orca (you know, killer whales) can understand and speak the language of bottlenose dolphins.

The worst news: These bilingual monsters are captive, which means they have access to humans. And that means they could learn our languages, too.

| Posted in War on Animals

The last massage you’ll ever have

Our readership in Japan just skyrocketed.
Our readership in Japan just skyrocketed.

The next time you’re going to the Philippines, don’t–especially not the Cebu City Zoo. They are trying to kill you.

In an effort to give parkgoers a unique experience, the zoo is offering python massages, which are exactly what they sound like. The idea is that the weight of the snakes and their slithery motions on you relaxes you and works out the kinks in your muscles.

That’s of course if you can forget that there are a bunch of snakes slithering across you, and they kill things by wrapping themselves around animals and squeezing the life out of them.

| Posted in War on Animals

Radioactivity is reindeers’ secret to flight

We told you a few weeks back about the radioactive boars of Germany. Now it seems that there is another atomic foe for humanity to face.

Norwegian reindeer are radioactive, according to a new study. And like the German boars, Norwegian reindeer acquired their powers from the Chernobyl accident. But for some reason, this year they’re more radioactive than usual.

This Christmas, skip NORAD and just track Santa Claus with a Geiger counter.

| Posted in War on Animals

Crabs on a plane

It’s not the story of the latest knockoff by The Asylum.

It’s not the story of the people who joined the Mile High Club.

It’s the story of crabs that tried to bring down a flight … and it’s real.

A shipment of crabs caused delays last week when they got loose. Someone, clearly asleep at the wheel when it came to their job, did not kill the crabs beforehand, and another person, also clearly at the wheel when it came to their job, did not secure them well enough. The crabs managed to make their way out of the cargo hold. Luckily, no passengers were on the plane at the time, but it inconvenienced them, and that’s a blow enough for us to eradicate the crustaceans. Wars have been started over less, after all.

| Posted in War on Animals

The animal automobile invasion is on

It’s bad enough that the animals have pushed us into a war that we didn’t necessarily want to join in, much less that they could win. But it happened, and as such, here we are. That said, invading our cars? What purpose does that solve?

First, a pair of normal, unsuspecting tourists rented a car to go sightseeing in Maine. No problem! Except when they opened the trunk, therein lied a python, presumably lying in wait to kill. Problem! Except Maine is not exactly a climate friendly to pythons, so the mighty serpentine warrior was easily subdued by police with a pillowcase. Problem (for the python)!

And then, a lazy coyote in decided to hitch a ride in a train conductor’s car. We know this is highly unusual because it took place in Wisconsin and as such, if the coyote was trying to smuggle people into the country, he was doing a bad job. The conductor let mercy shine upon the animal, nestled in the car’s front bumper, and drove the car all the way to his job, not letting the coyote be bothered despite it lowering the car’s fuel efficiency. Sadly, the coyote did not chip in for gas.

| Posted in War on Animals

We ain’t sayin’ nothin’

A whole bunch of dead sharks, emphasis on dead, just happened to show up on a beach in North Carolina.

As such, we at SG would like to exercise our right to the fifth amendment. Along with that, we’d like to exercise the seventeenth, twenty-first and twenty-seventh amendments, just in case.

Any questions can be directed to our attorney, Johnny Tightlips.