Pray for the people who live along the Mississippi River in Wisconsin, Iowa and Minnesota. They have suffered a devastating attack.
A swarm of mayflies overtook the region, in what scientists are calling a “massive emergence.” There were bugs, lots and lots of bugs. That may not sound so bad at first, but there were so many that a three-car accident was blamed on the swarm. The swarm was so huge that it showed up on weather radar.
We can only hope that these things will disperse and leave these poor civilians alone.
You might already be aware, but I kind of have a thing for movies. That doesn’t mean that I condone everything having to do with them.
Recently, a movie theater in Myrtle Beach allowed a pair of chimps into the hallowed halls of film to catch a screening of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. That’s not fair! I haven’t even seen Rise of the Planet of the Apes yet, much less this movie. There’s no darn good reason that an ape should see a movie before a human!
And then, a sculpture of a box of popcorn was unveiled in Indiana. Except, at 15 feet tall, it’s the world’s tallest popcorn box, despite not actually having any popcorn in it. So, you know, there’s that.
Just to be safe, we know not to respond to emails from Nigerian princes. While, yes, being completely swindled out of all of your money is good way to revitalize the concept of Social Darwinism, ultimately, our race has too much pity to allow it to happen. Another thing you probably shouldn’t do: respond to the email if said prince from Nigeria contacts you about snails.
A crate of giant land snails were confiscated at LAX, having been sent from Nigeria. It was stated that their purpose was for consumption.
People, while we’re all for the elimination of animals, be smart about it. Said aforementioned snails are illegal in our country because they carry a disease harmful to us. Also, they’re disgusting. Luckily, government officials got it right this time by incinerating the pests. Gold stars for all!
We’re certainly no hippy-dippy enviro-dorks over at SeriouslyGuys, but even we know that it’s a big world and we need to take care of it.
The newest biological weapon being used against us, the Asian Longhorned beetle, apparently feels otherwise.
Bears are quickly becoming even more of a menace than they’ve already been. As you may remember, bears have a slight taste for our food, and even more so, they’ve developed a palette for donuts. And now, they’ve moved onto another delicious food item: cookies.
Except bears are dumb and get their dumb bear heads stuck in cookie jars.
Therein lies the problem: we have too many race traitors. A “concerned citizen” called in the bear being up a tree with its head stuck in the jar, resulting in multiple government services being used on the single event. Stop this! Don’t call it in, let nature run its own course on nature. It just might be worth it to sacrifice our cookies, but we can’t let them be used in vain.
A Florida man stumbled across a secret weapon that our enemy has been cooking up to use against us: a two-headed alligator.
A live two-headed alligator, it should be pointed out, as most Frankenstein’s monsters don’t live for very long. It’s understandable, though regrettable, that the man did not slay the beast. Instead, it escaped. That said, we’re onto you, animals. Your secret plans aren’t so secret anymore.
Kill it! Kill it before it spawns more multi-headed monsters!
The one foolproof way to kill something is to use fire on it, unless it’s a dragon or something, those things love fire. When you see a spider, you may be tempted to burn it, but this is part of its game.
A woman in Kansas found this out when she saw a spider in her duplex. Wanting to kill the beast, she did the most reasonable thing and tried to burn the spider by setting towels on fire. Instead, she ended up getting a visit from the fire department. To make matters worse, she was even arrested for what she had done.
We have no word on the fate of the spider, but our guess is that if it survived it also eluded authorities, because spiders are sneaky like that.
Tawanda Hammond is a simple local business owner. There’s nothing elaborate or scary about her shop: it’s just a cake store, providing delicious desserts that she makes.
So of course between 20,000 and 30,000 bees moved into the area above her store.
It was so bad that Hammond had to close the store for two days in hopes that a local beekeeper might be able to get the bees out of the bakery. But you know what, and this will sound ridiculous given my history, we don’t even blame the bees. We blame the hippies, the natural, raw, organic food people that feel as if the only non-touched food is that which can cross their lips. Your demanding for natural honey is to blame! And how dare someone not know if it isn’t! Their requests, though the minority, must be fulfilled!
So yes, if you’re one of those people and you’re reading this, it’s your fault that Tawanda Hammond had to lose two days worth of business. Yours and a minimum 20 thousand stingers.
No! We will not allow this! This will not go swiftly into the night!
Delicious doughnuts are being used to feed bears! Bears! BEARS! Doughnuts are people food. They are not to be eaten by bears! Especially not in the name of science!
Gentlemen of this site, get your dukes up and in the air. It’s time for an old-fashioned bear fight, followed by a traditional nerd smashing.
We don’t want to alarm you all too much, but we’ve had a beluga whale sighting.
In a Massachusetts river.
Clearly, this is out of the norm, considering beluga whales are colder water, oceanic animals and also that we’re at war with animals. What’s worse is that it appears to have been seen multiple times. For crying out loud, it’s a reconnaissance unit! Well, guess what animals: we’re onto you! You’re not the only animal that can adapt to a different climate. How else do you think that we’ve got people living in Detroit?
People, let’s face facts: the whales are coming for us. We know that they can now travel in freshwater areas. It’s up to us to use this information properly.