Monkeys, rats, bears breaking into buildings

You can lock your doors and shut your windows. You can have the best home security system that money can buy. Animals will still find a way into your house. Will you be ready when they do?

The Indian government found itself under attack when two monkeys made their way inside a government building, sending public servants scrambling for safety. Luckily no one was injured, and the monkeys were chased off by security guards. But many suspect this was simply a probe of defenses ahead of a real attack.

In Dallas, Texas, customers at Chipotle had their meals ruined by something other than salmonella. Witnesses reported rats, (or mice, because no one in Texas can tell the difference) falling out of the ceiling and scurrying around the restaurant. But because they had been gorging themselves on Chipotle, the rodents were slow-moving and easily rounded up for questioning.

And finally, a Montana man took a nap in his home and found that while he slept a bear had broken in and taken two dumps on his living room floor and left. That’s just mean.

Animals won’t stop attacking our liquor stores

If you live in Alaska, you have fought a bear. It’s a requirement for a driver’s license up there. But aside from that, Alaskans have every right to believe they can live a normal life and not have to deal with bears.

For a few terror-filled moments at a liquor store, those hopes were dashed. The clerk at the Liquor Barrel, a liquor store near Juneau, was shocked when he saw a large, brown animal walk in and it wasn’t a dog. The juvenile bear looked at the candy rack near the front door and stood up on his hind legs.

Luckily, a quick-thinking customer started clapping his hands and yelling at it, knowing that bears hate public praise. The bear soon left, and remains at large. The best news is that no bottles were harmed in the incident, unlike the peacock attack a month ago.

Goose poop attack at Disneyland

Animals are out to ruin your summer. That includes those big summer trip plans you’ve made.

Disneyland became a scene of horror and panic last Friday night when a flock of geese attacked the most iconic attraction at Disneyland, the Sleeping Beauty Castle. According to authorities, the geese pooped on nearly 20 tourists, many of them children. The attack happened just as crowds were gathering for the nightly fireworks show. The cowardly geese could not have picked a better time for their attack.

A hazardous materials team was dispatched to clean up the victims, who are said to be recovering from the trauma, and were given a change of clothes by the park.

Peacock attack on liquor store leaves dozens sober

It’s summertime, and that means it’s time to sit outside and enjoy a fine beverage. Unfortunately it also means that animals are out trying to ruin our fun.

In a Los Angeles suburb called Arcadia, a liquor store was attacked by a peacock that wandered in. You are no doubt a smart person, since you read this blog, so you are probably wondering why a peacock was roaming free when they’re not a native species. Turns out there is a small population of them that run wild in Arcadia and they are protected, because L.A.

According to reports, the peacock entered the liquor store and immediately went after the store manager. The bird then flapped around for another 90 minutes as an animal control officer tried to catch it with a net. The bird knocked over bottles the whole time, and according to the store, about $500 worth of booze was shattered by the bird.

Because of the damage, many citizens in Arcadia will be forced to go sober. And after all this, the bird wasn’t even arrested.

Bad dog edits scientific journals

You shouldn’t trust science — not because it doesn’t line up with your religion, politics or financial interests — but because the entire field has been corrupted by animals.

Don’t believe us? One Australian dog sits on the editorial board of seven different medical journals. To make matters worse, he’s a pit bull, a breed that takes its name from a Florida rapper who has been involved with some of the worst music in modern history. Ollie the dog goes by Dr. Olivia Doll in her written work.

The so-called media will have you believe that this was all a plot by Ollie’s owner, a public health researcher named Mike Daube, to show how some scientific journals don’t thoroughly vet (heh) their experts. But we know that this dog, which may be one of the smartest dogs ever to exist, has done this on her own, with the assistance of the human she keeps around, to misguide mankind.

It’s entirely reasonable to believe that she’s not the only infiltrator.

Not just mad, *bedbugs* mad

“And if you can’t find bedbugs, even a good foot fungus is hard to get out of municipal carpet. Can you say ‘tinea pedis?'”

Mr. Rogers once famously asked in song, “What do you do with the mad that you feel?” It’s hard for children and even adults to sometimes learn how to manage our intense feelings when simultaneously angry and yet powerless to change our situation.

Some people, as Fred suggested, might channel that energy into something positive — playing tag with their friends. Or organizing a food drive. Maybe even counting to 10, playing with your trolley and moving on.

Others bring a cup of more than 100 bedbugs to their source of frustration, slamming it on a counter top so that they spread all over their office building.

There are just so many options to what to do with that mad you feel. What do you do, neighbor?

Fish attack California elementary school

It was nearly lunch time when the attack happened. Fish raining down from the sky as helpless schoolchildren looked on.

In California, our animal foes carried out a cowardly attack on an elementary school, undoubtedly targeting children. Authorities say just before noon, a whole lot of fish fell from the sky, striking the campus of Stanford Avenue Elementary School. State officials say the fish were a species of carp not found in the river near the school, and offered no answers as to how the attack was carried out.

Fortunately, no humans were hurt in the suicide attack. No animal groups have claimed responsibility at this point.

Steer, deer attacks on the rise

We feel safe when we’re in civilization. We’re around other people, we’re close to bathrooms, and we generally don’t have to worry about animals. Maybe nowhere is safe now.

In Tennessee, patrons where enjoying being inside of a Waffle House and, we assume, eating waffles, when they saw deputies trying to corral a steer in the parking lot. The steer had reportedly gotten loose and was making its way through the town of Cookeville. Authorities were about to get the steer into the Waffle House parking lot, but it managed to slip past the police cars and continue on down the road. We don’t know what actually ended up happening to it. The citizens of Cookeville are no doubt living in fear.

And in Minnesota, a Wal-Mart was invaded by a deer. The beast made it to the pet aisle before some hero tackled it and put it in a headlock. Unfortunately, the Wal-Mart shoppers took pity on their attacker, and set him free outside the store.

British ambassador escapes wild boar attack

When we see animal attacks on mankind, the incidents tend to be limited to one country, and involve common folk, rather than leaders. Folks, we may be seeing an escalation.

In Austria, a British ambassador escaped an assassination attempt by a wild boar. Leigh Turner, the U.K. ambassador to Austria, was exploring a nature park in Vienna when he came across a group of wild boars. Though he tried to verbally parry his way out of the situation, the beasts would have none of it. One of the boars charged at him.

Luckily, British ambassadors are in shape. Turner was able to climb up a tree before the boar reached him. He sustained minor injuries from his impromptu climb.

It is clear the animals want to cause international incidents to throw us into chaos. We must be vigilant.

Syringe bird nests mark first positive of opioid epidemic

The opioid epidemic that is gutting communities throughout the U.S. doesn’t stop at the border. Canada is dealing with the crisis, too. There’s nothing funny about a crippling addition to opioids — well, maybe the constipation.

In any case, there’s a rare bit of light coming from, Vancouver, where authorities have found a bird’s nest made out of used syringes. The discovery was made in an unoccupied room of a seedy hotel in Vancouver’s opioid hotspot. A sink with dozens of syringes in it is home to three pigeon eggs.

Then again, if this leads to a boom in the pigeon population across North America, we’re all screwed.