Category: War on Animals

| Filed under War on Animals

Crap, it escaped!

Hey, people of St. Paul, Minnesota? Umm, could you maybe do us a favor?

Sooooo, we had a super rare hummingbird locked up in a cage over at SG Towers. It was all part of our plan to rid the world of the rufous hummingbird, thus depriving one more species of enemy.

Except, uhhh … there was a snafu. The bird got loose and apparently is now found in your neck of the woods. How crazy is that?! Look, if you find it, by all means, capture and send it back to us please. We’ll reimburse you with many internets. If you can’t capture it, well, you’re Minnesota in November and it’s a hummingbird. Nature will take over soon.

| Filed under Sex Sells, War on Animals

Penguins report sexual harassment from seals

We may think of animals that live in the Antarctic as cute, and because they live so far away from us, we may not consider them a threat. We should. Turns out they’re trying to create a master race of seal-penguins.

Researchers observing Antarctic wildlife reported and recorded numerous instances of fur seals chasing down and copulating with king penguins, and the flightless birds did not seem to consent, either. This has to stop. They are attempting to create a new weapon against us, and besides, we shouldn’t condone sexual harassment in any form.

It’s on us.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Birds get so drunk that they can’t fly

In the wilderness, you have problems you just don’t see anywhere else. When you live in the wilderness of Yukon, Canada, things get even weirder–like drunken-birds weird.

Birds are getting drunk on berries that have been fermented by frost. They get so drunk that they can’t fly correctly, and fly into people’s windows, houses and cars. The drunken onslaught is likely to continue until either the berries are gone, or the birds join AA.

In other news, you can totally get drunk off of frost-fermented berries.

| Filed under War on Animals

Why crazy cat ladies exist

If the internet is any measure, cats have the ability to control humans’ minds into watching hours of videos. Unfortunately, felines can also give humans a parasite that messes with your brain.

The parasite can change your personality, make you mentally ill and do other bad things to your head, and according to the CDC, there are 60 million Americans that have it. Don’t trust anyone.

| Filed under War on Animals

M-I-C … K-E-Y … T-I-G-E-R!

If only Disneyland Paris had the means to draw the giant cat out of the bushes. If only ...
If only Disneyland Paris had the means to draw the giant cat out of the bushes. If only …

The merde has truly hit the fan in France. Besides the fermenting whale attack on their beach, there’s also a tiger loose just outside of Disneyland Paris.

And we know this is part of a concerted attack by animals because Disneyland Paris doesn’t have a tiger. This Sher Khan is clearly a foreign traveler bent on destroying the French way of life, probably by peeing in a wine bottle or silently mauling a mime.

If we can recommend anything, it’s that the French start wearing masks on the other side of their heads. Preferably something they bought from Disney. With their tourist dollars, America’s most important European landmark should be able to turn this whole situation around.

| Filed under War on Animals, What a Reach!

Wartime enemies highlight the double standard of the USPS

So, a man, upset with his ex-girlfriend, proceeded to mail 15 live chicks to her. He can legally do that. Somehow. He’s being labeled as creepy, which really is a bit of overreaction. He’s not creepy, he’s simply slightly inconsiderate. The guy actually should have turned them into chicken nuggets before shipping the beasts off to her.

If anything, this proves a giant crime perpetrated among the human race. If I ship anything alcoholic, from a cheap, dollar airplane bottle of hooch to a fine scotch, no matter how safely and securely I package the bottle, I’m breaking the law and am a criminal. Meanwhile, our enemies, the animals, can be shipped all over the country, poop in their shipping box and not be labeled criminals?

Our tax dollars can pay for animal poop going around the country? That’s not right.

| Filed under War on Animals

Whale bomb reaches French beach, is surrender eminent?

Summer may be long gone, but the enemy is still attacking the beaches. This time, they’ve set their sights on France, the most vulnerable ally.

A dead whale has washed ashore in France, the gasses inside bloating the carcass. We saw similar attacks earlier this year. It’s just a matter of time before those gasses are too much for the whales skin to hold, and KABOOM! French authorities are in a beat-the-clock situation, so naturally, they have no idea what to do.

NATO is about to be called in.

| Filed under War on Animals

Rat infestation in NYC nothing compared to New Yorkers

"Christ almighty, it's absolutely disgusting out here. I'm never leaving the hole where   me and 50 of my closest relatives sleep in our own sh*t again."
“Christ almighty, it’s absolutely disgusting out here! I’m never leaving the hole where me and 50 of my closest relatives sleep in our own sh*t again.”

Good news in the War on Animals! At least one statistician estimates that New Yorkers are the number one pest infesting New York City, not rats.

Jonathan Auerbach of Columbia University set out to test the old hypothesis that there are just as many rats as humans in New York City. Based on reported complaints and biological data about rats, he estimates that there are only 2 million rats in the Big Apple, while 8 million humans make life an absolute misery for other humans in the city.

So, either New Yorkers have always outnumbered their rats, or the rats have started abandoning the city, possibly due to how terrible the Yankees and their fans are. But a victory is a victory, so way to go, “humans.”

| Filed under War on Animals

Turtles: the cause of all relationship strife

Florida may seem like the home of stupid people, and while that’s only sort of true (because of Florida police letting reporters know all about dumb crimes due to honesty laws, it’s more a home of stupid people, rather than the home of stupid people), that doesn’t mean the stupid people of the state are any more stupid than those of your state.

That’s not to say they aren’t less gullible and susceptible to the schemes of our reptilian enemies.

Marie Seymour admitted to police that she stabbed her boyfriend. Now, given the past year, we’ve seen a lot of bad domestic situations happening. Maybe there was a good reason why she did so? Was she protecting herself?

Nope, she was protecting her turtle, which she claims the boyfriend threatened. An animal that is easily replaced, much less something that is our wartime enemy. People, remember, defending yourself covers yourself, not that which is trying to kill us.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, War on Animals

Naming rights don’t come cheap

When an opportunity to name an animal comes up, we at SG encourage people to take that opportunity. That’s why we commend an anonymous individual being able to name a dumb ol’ baby giraffe. We would suggest names such as Stretch, Spots and Ol’ Zombie Tongue.

Now, having to pay to name an animal? While that’s not an action we would traditionally support, in terms of an economic fundraiser, there are worse ideas. Wall Street needs money? Sell the naming rights to that golden bull. Seaworld out of cashola? Shamu’s getting a new name! We strongly encourage both the Republican and Democratic National Committees to put up the naming rights to the elephant and the donkey for sale.