The weather is warming up again, which means that animals are renewing their assault on Wal-Marts across the country. Yeah,rememberthat?
In Wisconsin, an 88-year-old Wal-Mart greeter has lost his job all because of a wild turkey, and not the drinking kind. According to reports, Bob Tallinger has been a greeter for eight years, and he just watched as a turkey sauntered through the door of his Wal-Mart. He probably even said hello, because that’s his job. But management didn’t like how he didn’t try to shoo the turkey out, or notify someone to get it out of the store. So the bigwigs let him go.
Now this elderly man is out of a job, probably forced to spend time with the woman he’s been married to for 50 years. And it’s all because of a stupid turkey.
The main problem with animals is that we can’t control them. You can say you have your dog trained, but when the food supply runs out, who’s really the master? Cats do whatever they want, and every other animal you come into contact with does whatever it feels like doing at that time. Thanks to science, soon we will have remote-controlled turtles.
Researchers in South Korea are working on creating cyborg turtles. If everything goes according to plan, you could one day control the movements of a turtle using only your mind. These folks want to put a system onto a turtle’s shell that would send it signals on which way to navigate. The human controlling it would wear a headset that would read brainwaves, and send commands to the turtle-mounted system over wifi.
So basically, it’s Dino Riders, but in real life. The future is going to be awesome.
The internet has been a place where people can come together to laugh and promote awful ideas for a fair amount of its existence. Long before Boaty McBoatface or pretty much every online poll to name anything ever, there was 2006’s Snakes on a Plane.
The film marked Samuel L. Jackson’s full transformation into a living meme, and is probably why we ended up with those Sharknado movies. The problem is that the movie shone a spotlight on a huge security risk for all the animals to see. That’s why a decade later we’re still seeing stories about snakes on planes. This time a passenger left his snake on a local Alaska airline, and it was found during the following flight.
Luckily for passengers, the snake wasn’t venomous, and flight attendants caught it and locked it in a storage bin until the plane was safely on the ground.
Since we’re here, let’s take a trip back to 2006 with a demonstrational video on how to smuggle snakes onto a plane.
As humans, we think we’re in charge of the Earth. Then we see a monster to remind us that our survival has never been a guarantee. This week’s monster is that giant chicken.
The viral video of a chicken that looks, well, larger than any chicken ever should, has been making the rounds this week. A lot of people say it has to be a hoax. We’d love to tell you that it is, but the sad fact is that we do indeed live in a world where giant chickens exist. Turns out, it’s called a Brahma chicken. They can weigh up to 18 pounds, which is like a heavy cat or medium-size dog, and they look like they have enough feathers for a hotel’s worth of pillows.
We don’t know what they want from us, and we don’t know when they will strike. But we do know that spring is here, and it’s time to fire up the grill.
Florida is being overrun with pythons and they want civilians to killthem. So far the usual stuff isn’t working, so the South Florida Water Management District is considering paying people to patrol and hunt these bastards down. If the plan moves forward, you and your friends would only need to patrol Miami-Dade County, which means you could celebrate a hard day’s work in a Miami club every night. What’s even better, is that this would be an hourly gig, meaning that you don’t even need to find anything to get paid.
The pilot project would last only two months. But by then you would probably be looking to rotate back home after that long of a tour of duty. Here’s your chance to be on the front lines of the War on Animals. Don’t miss it!
Vegetarians walk among us with impunity, because there is something deeply wrong with society. These are people who willingly gave up eating bacon cheeseburgers so that bacon and cheeseburgers wouldn’t be killed in their name. Sometimes they even break the law to help out animals.
In Georgia, a vegetarian woman told authorities that she hit a chicken truck simply because it was a truck carrying chickens. According to authorities, the 26-year-old woman had been drinking when she saw the chicken truck and drove into it with her own car, then hit it again for good measure. No one was injured, and the woman left the scene of the accident. She was tracked down because her license plate fell off at the scene of the crime. She was arrested and charged.
This incident highlights something this blog has been saying for years: vegetarians are dangerous and mean real harm to our democracy. They cannot be engaged in civil discussion because they push an ideology not based in reality, and they are frequently violent. We must challenge and shout down these alt-meat thugs.
The internet would have us believe that pandas are cute, right up there with cats. But then again, the internet also tells us that we can collect our lottery prize money in Africa if we click here. A Chinese farmer has found proof that pandas live up to their classification as bears.
In southwestern China, farmers took video of a wild panda bear chowing down on a goat, which is surprising, because most goats aren’t made out of bamboo. The farmers say the grayscale beast climbed down from a tree and leaped upon the unsuspecting goat. The video they posted shows the panda munching on the body.
Cats have long held us under their spell, and science has done a lot of important work trying to explain why. In recent years, researchers have linked a parasite from our feline friends to slowed reaction times and mental illness. And now none of that may actually be true.
According to researchers in the U.K., studies that have linked the parasite Toxoplasma gondii are flawed because they had a small sample size, or failed to account for other factors where exposure to the parasite was caused by having a cat in the house. Basically, they’re not saying cats do make you crazy via parasite, they just don’t have enough information to definitively say that having a cat increases your odds of exposure to T. gondii.
That sounds suspiciously like what a scientist whose brain is under the control of cats would conclude.
As if living in Texas wasn’t bad enough, residents now have to be worried about feral pigs overrunning society as they know it. That’s not hyperbole, that’s the state government’s position.
The feral pig situation in Texas is so bad that state Agriculture Secretary Sid Miller cited concerns about a coming “feral hog apocalypse” as a reason to take drastic measures to fight off the swine. Miller approved the use of a pesticide to combat the exploding wild hog population. The decision has drawn criticism from hunters, but that’s probably because they want to see society collapse so they can live out their survivalist wet dreams.
And for the record, secretary, a pig-related end-of-the-world scenario is called an “aporkalypse.”
For years, science has been threatening us with unleashing one of our long-vanquished foes, the woolly mammoth. And luckily for humanity, it hasn’t happened yet, but it’ll be a reality by 2019.
At a conference this week, the leader of a team of Harvard University researchers boasted that his people are just a couple years away from having a de-extinctified woolly mammoth. Much like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, the mammoth wouldn’t be 100% original parts, some of the genes would have to come from a similar creature. That creature in this case is an Asian elephant. So the thing that they make will actually be a hybrid.
We killed all the woolly mammoths thousands of years ago, and we’re pretty close to finishing off the elephant population. We need to step it up to ensure this abomination is never made.