Category: War on Animals

| Filed under War on Animals

Arizonans’ feet to remain calloused, not fishy

It's for the best, as it was only a matter of time before someone opened a piranha-themed salon.
It’s for the best, as it was only a matter of time before someone opened a piranha-themed salon.

The U.S. Supreme Court is a lot like jazz. No, not because of Justice Alito’s long-winding free-form dissent solos. But because, like notes in jazz, you can tell as much about it by the cases that it doesn’t hear as the cases that it does. And this Supreme Court has decided that it does not want to hear about pedicures performed by fish.

The court rejected the appeal of Cindy Vong, a woman who used fish to eat the dead skin off of patrons’ feet at her salon until the Arizona Board of Cosmetology wrapped the practice up in newspaper. Unlike files, chains, blowtorches and whatever else is normally used during pedicures (The Guys don’t go to a lot of bridal showers), fish cannot survive being treated in Barabasol and, therefore, violate health rules. Their ruling means that Vong cannot resume the practice and will have to exploit recent human immigrants like everyone else in the beauty industry.

So, thank you, Chief Justice Roberts and Co., for keeping fish from taking our menial foot maintenance/small talk jobs away. You’re the real heroes in the War on Animals.

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Parrots: the talking killer

For decades now, the media would have you think that carbon monoxide is the worst thing in the world. And why not? Having been named “the silent killer,” carbon monoxide pretty much sounds like the most menacing thing EVER. Darth Vader? Cancer? White people during the Crusades? Carbon monoxide beats them all.

But that’s scary at the silent level. What’s never talked about is the loud killer. And no loud killer is deadlier than a parrot.

Parrots will nip at your fingers. They will poop anytime that they’re let out of their cage. They will keep you up at night. And the worst part is that they will 100 percent break the first amendment. No, they won’t prevent you from speaking, but one of the key parts of the first amendment is that not all free speech is protected, i.e., a person can’t scream ‘fire’ in a crowded theater when there’s no fire.

And that’s totally what parrots will do (warning: autoplay). Because nothing is deadlier than spitting in the face of our Constitution. America.

| Filed under War on Animals

An ungrateful animal? Shocking.

Animals are one hundred percent the worst. It only makes sense that we’re at war with them! They’re smelly, they initiate fights for no reason, they bring disease … they’re nothing more than the state of Florida given form.

And zoo animals may possibly be the worst of the worst! We give them a home, feed them as needed and what do they do?

They attack their very dwellings out of anger like a child throwing a temper tantrum. How pathetic.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Misogyny runs afoot in coleopterology

In a surprising and completely unexpected fashion, it appears that Connecticut’s southern pine beetles are very bad for pine trees. Who would’ve guessed?

Now, we don’t particularly care much for animals, especially given the desire of beetles to purposefully reduce our supply of oxygen. But what we certainly don’t care for is a smear campaign against a gender.

The female makes this when she comes in and she lays her eggs. Then the little larvae go off and form these little side tunnels.”

See, we at SG are very keen on equal rights. Don’t lay all the blame on the female members of the species, lay the blame on all of them. Don’t half-ass on eradication of a species, go all the way, we say.

| Filed under War on Animals

Florida puts squirrels on protected species list

Florida is probably top of the list of states under siege in the War on Animals. They’ve got alligators, sharks, spiders, etc. And then there are the invasive boa constrictors and iguanas and such. So you’d think Floridians would be all about combating their enemies. They are not.

A man in Florida had had it with the squirrels in his neighborhood, and decided to take the fight to them. He began patrolling the area with a BB gun, which seems like it would be commonplace in Florida, but it got the residents nervous. The police were called, and the man was warned that he can’t stalk or hunt squirrels.

Folks, when a god-fearing redneck state like Florida cracks down on fighting our animal foes, it makes you re-evaluate whether this war is winnable.

| Filed under War on Animals

Invasion of the goldfish

Goldfish aren’t the most threatening-looking things on the planet. Some of them have big, puffy faces and seem to be barely able to move. But now they’re threatening a Colorado lake.

According to wildlife officials, someone probably threw some goldfish into the lake a few years ago, and they grew in number. Now, the domestically-created species of fish is threatening native fish, competing with them for food. Which has caused a concern for those nature-loving whack-jobs in Colorado.

If a goldfish can out-compete you for food, you probably don’t deserve to live in the first place.

| Filed under War on Animals

School to kick Beta Eta Eta frat off campus

In the wake of the existent then non-existent UVA/Rolling Stone scandal, schools all around the country are initiating fraternity reform. The University of New Orleans is the latest one to take the cause. They will not tolerate loitering, threats to the student body and apparent gang activity. As such, they’re kicking the Beta Eta Eta fraternity and their frathouse off of campus.

Unfortunately, the move will be (tee-hee) more expensive and time-consuming than the school expected. And as to be expected, there are detractors that say the BEE’s should stay on campus. Nonetheless, sometimes it’s better to be safe than sorry.

| Filed under War on Animals

Killing bears with the ‘itis

Shot himself a bar when he was only three. Sonny, Sonny Crockett! King of the Wild Frontier!
♪ ♫ Shot himself a b’ar when he was only three. Sonny, Sonny Crockett! King of the Wild Frontier! ♬ ♫

You would assume that hunting gets more dangerous and sexy based on the dangerousness of the prey. Basically, you progress from hunting ants with a magnifying glass to amphibious anti-air assaults on ducks, eventually graduating to Predator-style hunts of the most dangerous game: man. And somewhere in there, you go mano-a-mano with a bear, Crockett-style.

What nobody tells you, though, is that bear hunting is actually a lazy endeavor involving 90 pounds of chocolate bait — which is about 80 pounds more than you need to hunt premenstrual women.

It’s gotten so bad that New Hampshire wildlife officials want hunters to stop using chocolate bait because it alone kills more bears than they intended.

And we agree. Bear death by chocolate is the most disappointing dénouement for any war — much less the War on Animals — since World War II in Europe when the Nazis covered up Hitler’s accidental auto-erotic asphyxiation death with a bullet, cyanide and cremation and killing his dogs and girlfriend to eliminate any witnesses.

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Traffic situations are stripier in Texas

Monday morning in Texas saw zebras on the loose!

No, really. Sure, it seems a little absurd, but it’s true. Police in Jasper County spent their morning herding and corralling the horse-like beasts all over Highway 96. What’s not known is how they got out, but luckily they were returned to their owner.

It could’ve been much worse. Had this happened in winter, during a rain and snow storm, the results could’ve been dire.

| Filed under War on Animals

The old man and the sea lion

Think sea lions are harmless? Think again. One might have bitten off Van Gogh's ear.
Think sea lions are harmless? Think again. One might have bitten off Van Gogh’s ear.

A 61-year-old man in San Diego, Ca. was dragged to the bottom of Mission Bay in San Diego [pronounced Sahn Day-ahhh-go] by a sea lion. He was holding the fish up in his boat to pose for a photo when the sea lion leapt out of the water, grabbed his hand and pulled him down 20 feet underwater.

This tells us two things:

1. There is a speciest double-standard. If a human stole a fish from a sea lion’s grasp, the lamestream liberal media would be all over that person. But the sea lion gets away with it? That’s reverse specism. The War on Animals is real, people, because animals have already declared war on us.

2. Sea lion trainers have the easiest damn job in the world. They jump for fish already — way to pick and train the lowest-dangling fruit.