Australia seems mixed on the War on Animals

Australia is filled with crazy people and deadly creatures, and is pretty much deserted in the middle, which basically makes it Florida. And as the summer in the Southern Hemisphere wraps up, it seems like a good time to check in on our allies down under.

In Queensland, some fools decided to save a giant spider from flood waters. The whistling spider, also called the Australian tarantula, was dangling on a tree branch in an attempt to escape a flood, and some passersby decided to help it. Keep in mind this thing is larger than your hand and hisses. They then moved it to a tree in the center of town and probably thought they did a good deed. We can only hope that their arrests are forthcoming.

Also in Queensland, a family finally caught a deadly brown snake living in their yard with the use of a jackhammer. The snake, one of the most poisonous in Australia, had been living under some steps for months. They decided to jackhammer the concrete walkway outside their house to give the beast fewer places to hide.

The plan worked, and the snake was caught in just a couple hours. Well done, brave warriors.

Florida hires team to murder iguanas

If you have the urge to go out and kill some invasive species, Florida, as always, should be your destination.

The state, which is home to the annual python bounty hunt, is sending researchers to seek out iguanas and kill them by bashing their heads in. According to reports, iguanas have taken over much of South Florida, including many local governments. In an effort to fight back, state tax dollars are paying some scientists to go on an iguana murder spree.

Still think public funding for science is a waste?

Wild turkeys take over college campus

There is an ongoing hostage situation in Eugene, Oregon, and unfortunately young people are among those being held hostage. The suspects: wild turkeys.

The campus of Lane Community College has been swamped by wild turkeys that don’t appear to be afraid of humans. The flightless birds are harassing people who get too close, and there are reports of turkey poop covering the campus. A city council member referred to the turkeys as “gangsters.”

If the turkeys refuse to leave a college campus even though no one wants them there, we suspect a better term for them is “alt-right free speech advocates.”

Kansas moves to ban bad dogs from running for governor

It’s nice to see some common-sense solutions being brought forward by our leaders for a change. Our friends in Kansas are our to make sure no animal tries to take over their government again.

Last week we told you about how Hutch the dog tried to run for governor, but was denied. (Bad dog, Hutch!) The Kansas House of Representatives just passed a bill restricting who can run for governor. If it becomes law, no animal would be able to run for governor ever again.

Of course, the bill would also block minors from running for governor, too. But when have people under the age of 18 ever sought to make their community a better place?

Coup averted: Dog cannot run for governor in Kansas

Today is a big day. Today our faith was reaffirmed in the system and its ability to keep us safe from our enemies, the animals. A dog cannot run for governor in Kansas.

Hutch the dog applied to run for governor of Kansas last weekend. Rather, the humans he controls filled out the paperwork for him. And this week the Kansas Secretary of State’s Office ruled that Hutch cannot run because he would not be able to carry out the responsibilities of such a position.

Obviously, an animal takeover of our democratic process is the greatest threat to our country today. We have a glimpse into the hell that a Hutch administration would look like His campaign managers said Hutch planned on naming his sister and brother lieutenant governor and secretary of state. Nepotism much?

N.J. city to scare off crows with awesome fireworks, laser show

The capital of New Jersey is under siege. It’s been going on all winter, and the city government is going to fight back. That’s bad news if you’re a crow.

Citizens of Trenton have complained about the 30,000 some odd crows that arrived this winter and show no signs of leaving. They’re loud in the morning, they crap everywhere, and worst of all, they’re animals. Starting today, the city is teaming up with the USDA to get the crows out of town. Let’s run down what they plan to use:

  • Pyrotechnics — Hell yeah, crows hate KISS concerts.
  • Lasers — Unclear on whether this goes along with the concert idea, or whether the lasers are more the “pew pew” variety.
  • Spotlights — Blind the little suckers. That’ll show ’em!
  • Recordings of crow distress calls — Not sure how fighting loud birds with recordings of loud birds solves anything, but go for it.
  • Crow effigies — They’re going to put fake crows up around town? Maybe they think that when the fake crows don’t respond to conversation they’ll get bored and leave. Or maybe they’ll burn the crow effigies. Eat it, crows!

It seems obvious to state that we are heartened to see one city getting tough on our animal foes. It’s time we take the fight to them.

Stuffed toy tiger in standoff with police

Law enforcement officers put their lives on the line every day to keep us safe, that includes keeping us safe from animals real and fake.

In Scotland, police responded to reports of a tiger in a cow barn. The property owner took a break from a party he was hosting to check on his cows at night and was shocked to see a tiger stretched out on the floor of the barn, looking quite comfortable. Authorities treated the situation quite seriously, as Scottish countryside is lousy with tigers.

A photograph of the beast was sent to police headquarters and confirmed as legit. Police officers on the scene stayed back from the barn and tried negotiating with the tiger, which refused to come out. After 45 minutes some brave officers got close enough to find that it was just a stuffed toy tiger.

No one knows how the stuffed tiger got into the barn, but it seems obvious that the animals are just testing our response times.

Foolish scientists teach orca to speak English

Researchers spend countless hours every year observing animals to try to understand how they communicate. And aside from a few bird owners, no one has bothered trying to teach animals how to talk like us. Until now.

Wikie the orca has learned how to imitate certain sounds, including the word “Hello.” Researchers say they taught the beast how to say a few different words to demonstrate the species’ mimicking abilities. Of course, they forgot that they were teaching English to freaking killer whales. Once they know what we’re saying, there’s no doubt they will use it against us. The only consolation we have is that Wikie lives in an aquarium in France, where her skills won’t be of much use.

The up side is that Wikie was also taught how to mimic fart noises incredibly well.

Donkey takes goats, sheep on the lamb in L.A.

Los Angeles has had a rough go of it lately. It’s had a drought, wild fires, mudslides and NCIS: Los Angeles. But things somehow got even worse for Angelenos when a pack of animals ran loose on the streets.

Authorities say a donkey led a herd of goats and sheep through the streets of an L.A. suburb late last week. The beasts refused to comply with lawful orders of police officers to go home. They even managed to evade the cops attempting to arrest them. Considering how friendly L.A. cops can be when arresting you, this shows quite a bit of defiance.

Eventually, police tracked down the owner of the animals, which it was found had escaped through an open gate. The owner helped herd the animals, which for some reason were not charged with a single crime.

The war goes lights-out

Spring is here, unless you live in Colorado. There, it’s January. But for the rest of us, the warmer weather has arrived, and that means the animals are launching their newest campaign against mankind. This time, they’re exploiting our dependence on electricity.

In Virginia, a squirrel decided to make thousands of people’s morning that much worse. The local utility says a squirrel damaged some power equipment in Newport News, Virginia and knocked out the power to 9,500, all before they even left for work. This means that a lot of people missed their alarms because of a stupid tree rodent. They’re clever.

A couple weeks ago, another rodent tried something even more dangerous in Japan. Remember the Fukushima Daiichi plant, the one that melted down after the huge earthquake and tsunami knocked it out? They’re still trying to keep the reactors for doing further damage, and all that was put at risk by a rat that climbed into a switchboard and knocked out power to the facility for three days. All the while, the pumps bringing in cold water to keep the reactors cool had no electricity.

These bastards are playing for keeps.