Category: War on Animals

| Filed under War on Animals

Snails have learned how to shoot out of the ground

Here in the U.S., we’re watching ourselves in the ocean because sharks are attacking us left and right. In England, there’s another animal threat at the beach.

It was an average day at the beach in Devon, England, the citizens were — well, we don’t actually know if British people go to the beach — but they were somewhere around there. All of a sudden, a 15-foot-wide, 15-foot-deep hole opened in the sand, and snails began launching out of it like a volcano. When the sand collapsed, it shot water and sea snails that had been lurking below into the sky.

If England has a summer, this probably ruined it.

| Filed under War on Animals

Token black bear at college party

Animals aren’t just out to kill you, sometimes they simply want to ruin your day.

In Pennsylvania, a bear totally ruined a college party on Friday night. Students at Lehigh University were hanging out, enjoying the nice weather and probably a keg stand or two, when a 400-pound black bear showed up and killed everyone’s buzz. Luckily, authorities were able to sedate the beast and haul it away.

We can only hope that the partiers resumed their revelry.

| Filed under War on Animals

Bees kill more people than sharks, but a beeshark would be worse

It’s summer, and that means there are some shark attack stories in the news. It’s good to be ready to fight a shark every time you go in the water, but other animals are far more deadly.

According to statistics on how many they kill a year, the deadliest animals are bees, wasps and hornets, followed closely by mammals except for the third and fourth most deadly, dogs and cows. So basically, if the bees team up with mice, dogs and deer, we’re all doomed.

| Filed under War on Animals

Fish in New Jersey will bite your cojones

Two years ago, a vicious and invasive species fish was found in the waters off Denmark. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, it’s back.

The pacu, a fish at home in South America, has been found in a lake in South Jersey. This species of fish is a particular danger, because it has teeth, and has a powerful bite. What’s worse, they tend to target men’s testicles, thinking them food.

So in case you were planning on going in any water in New Jersey this summer, don’t.

| Filed under War on Animals

Mayflies can bring our summer roads a taste of winter

When a bug hits your windshield, it’s not a big deal, but when thousands of bugs cover a bridge, it’s another matter.

In Pennsylvania, a “blizzard” of mayflies swarmed a bridge, making it hard to see. That’s bad enough, but then the mayflies decided it was a good time to die en masse. In fact, there were so many dead bugs on the bridge that the road surface became slippery, causing three separate motorcycle accidents.

The animals are so dedicated to their cause that they will sacrifice themselves by the truckload just to take a few of us out. Drive carefully, everyone.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

… He’s going to ask for some hooch

Give a chimp a termite, he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish for termites, he'll sit on a tree stump and drink palm wine all day.
Give a chimp a termite, he’ll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish for termites, and he’ll sit on a tree stump and drink palm wine all day.

In a startling follow-up to last week’s post, not only do chimps want cooked food (but won’t cook it themselves), they also want booze. Scientists in Guinea found chimps in the wild soaking up fermented palm sap with makeshift sponges made from chewed up leaves.

Not only are they drinking alcohol, but they’re drinking it people-style: to get drunk and sleep better.

‘Some individuals were estimated to have consumed about 85ml of alcohol,’ [said Dr Kimberley Hockings], ‘the equivalent to 8.5 UK units [approximately equal to a bottle of wine].’

‘[They] displayed behavioural signs of inebriation, including falling asleep shortly after drinking.’

Dear god. The only thing separating us from the animals now is meth, and that’s only because chimps can’t cook.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, War on Animals

We’ve lost the War on Amphibious Animals

As if things didn’t look bleak enough in pants, the War on Animals took a major blow today. We all know that you are successfully keeping your foe down if they can’t join professional baseball. But now that there has been an amphibious pitcher, it’s only a matter of time before fully aquatic players’ unions force the game to be played entirely underwater.

We had no idea that all those other pitchers in MLB history only played with one arm.
We had no idea that all those other pitchers in MLB history only played with one arm.

And just to add insult to injury, his name’s Venditte. That’s right: “Tiny French Thirst for Vengeance.” He just admitted that he is a frog and always intended to set back both baseball and the human race from the very beginning.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

State of Internet explained with cat-induced schizophrenia

They intentionally loaded up on fiber just to make us schizo that much faster!
They intentionally loaded up on fiber just to make us schizo that much faster!

If you’ve used the Internet since the early days, back when the closest a .gif got to going viral was being used on Ally McBeal, then it might seem like Internet users are behaving more and more strangely.

As we shift from one meme to the next, there is only one constant in Internet: cats. On the graph we just made up in our heads, the line representing cat-focused content over time extends, unabated, well into the stratosphere. As we’ve transitioned from simpler days of dancing hamsters to rage over elections and wars on animals, cats have been our constant companions as online behavior only becomes unexplainably more angry and unpredictable.

But, maybe, it was the cats all along. Maybe they’ve been giving us all schizophrenia with their horrible pooping ways, and the whole Internet has finally reached the point of being diagnosed.

Bad kitties. No cheeseburgers for you.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

More scary fish news

There are things fish shouldn’t be able to do, such as reproduce asexually. And now we have several more to add to that list.

Australia outer islands are under attack from a fish that can walk. Not only that, it can climb trees, and even survive without water for up to six days. We made need to stop calling this a fish, come to think of it.

In any case, scientists think the climbing perch, an invasive freshwater fish, can now handle saltwater, and it’s poised to make landfall in the Land Down Under. The perch is known to be aggressive, and could threaten local fish and birds. You can bet that if it does that, humans are next.

| Filed under War on Animals

If you give a chimp bananas foster …

Chimps are also learning language so that they can ask us to stick our heads in the oven for 10 - 15 minutes before they attempt to eat our faces.
Chimps are also learning language so that they can ask us to stick our heads in the oven for 10 – 15 minutes before they attempt to eat our faces.

As humans, we used to be privileged. While animals have always been able to poop outside and reach their genitals for a “bath,” humans enjoyed rights that were special to only us. We got to hunt with guns. We got to wear hip glasses instead of eating our near-sighted young. We got to eat cooked food, not the raw termites and cans of Alpo that animals were OK with.

But no more! Now chimpanzees would like to send their steak back, please, this is under cooked for their tastes, even if the menu says medium rare means a warm red center. Yep, they want cooked food now, but they can’t do it themselves. Guess who’s gonna cook it for them? People, and maybe not even just women.

Fortunately, humans are still occasionally gaining a right over animals. Namely, we’re the only ones allowed to swim with babes in wetsuits now. Eat it, whales! Eat it raw!