Animals! We are at war with them and as such, it is of the utmost importance to monitor their more … aberrant warriors. But don’t worry! Most of the time, we take care of the problem.
Like in Boise, Idaho! A fisherman was able to catch an unusually fat rainbow trout. Unfortunately, the simpleton proceeded to release the animal back into the wild. We’re unsure if the animal was simply large or with spawn due to his mistake, but I’m sure a proper punishment will be sent.
That said, in Spartansburg, South Carolina, a farmer has preserved a two-headed calf. The farmer is claiming he’s keeping it due to its rarity, but while some might make the claim that such an action is more than a little morbid, we support all trophies to keep our enemies in line.
There are many things that our enemies, the animal kingdom, are. These include:
- At times, cunning
- Vicious, dangerous and ruthless
- Most of the time, delicious
One thing you won’t see on the list? Responsible homebrewers.
As it’s now been made evident, crocodiles will put their own bile into a beer, making things such as funerals become a lot sadder. This is because crocodile bile is quite poisonous to the human body. Crocodile bile is powerful enough to fell nearly 70 people if bottled into a beer.
Readers, we can only give you this special PSA: if you see a crocodile near your home brew equipment, throw bottles at the reptile until it’s dead. Then, unfortunately, toss that batch. You’ve gotta be safe.
Did you know that during World War II, two German farmers, who happened to be brothers and Nazis, tried to breed an extinct type of cattle called the auroch? It’s true. The auroch was a symbol of the Aryan movement or something. They failed, but they created a new type of cow.
A British farmer, we won’t guess his politics, has maintained a small herd of the ubercow, but was forced to cull seven of them because they were too aggressive and put his staff’s lives in danger. Yes, even Nazi cows are aggressive.
Folks, we all know that Nazism is wrong. And Chick-Fil-A commercials have taught us that cows are dirty tricksters. Nazi cows must be stopped at all cows. The Guys want to see some D-Day veterans given the honor of culling the rest of the herd, to save civilization once again.
Folks, we have to hand it to Argentina, they are doing all they can to help the rest of the world. First, they give us a cool pope, then they keep their citizenry from turning into monsters.
Yair Tawil is the seventh son in his family, and according to Argentinian folklore, all seventh sons turn into werewolves on their 13th birthday, and then spend the rest of their days human by day, monster by full moon. No one wants so see a kid cursed that way. That’s why Argentinian President Christina Fernandez de Kirchner adopted Tawil has her godson, saving him from his fate. Somehow this worked, even though the boy is Jewish and she is not.
Then they celebrated with a werewolf bar mitzvah.
Earlier this month, we let you know that the War on Secular Christmas had begun.
Now, that war has joined another war: the War on Animals. Except it’s the victim.
This week, a black bear was caught on camera attacking an outdoor Santa Claus lawn ornament (warning: autoplay). The Santa was absolutely destroyed and taken down by the bear. Some might chalk this up to the idiocy of someone putting a lawn ornament up in a forest, but we know the real reason: the black bear in question is a weapon of the Pope, waging his war of Masdamentalescent on the state of California.
Stop it Pope Coolness. Just because you said that animals can make it to heaven doesn’t mean that you should trick them into waging a war. That’s our job.
We’ve all known about the U.S. Navy’s trained dolphins, sea lions and other animals. Now it looks like they are finally moving away from arming our animal foes. That’s the good news. The bad news is that they are building robots instead.
The Navy’s Office of Naval Research is developing a remote controlled robot that looks like a tuna. They want to use it to spy on enemy harbors, but most likely not to be used to collect information on other tuna, which seems like the best use.
Then, of course, there’s also the risk of the robo-fish becoming self-aware, and turning on us. The last thing we need in the War on Animals is a double-agent tuna.
Troubling news this week coming from the Vatican. It seems Pope Francis has finally said something completely tone deaf with modern views: all animals go to Heaven. Here’s what his holiness had to say:
One day we will see our animals again in eternity of Christ. Paradise is open to all God’s creatures.”
Chilling words. If animals go to Heaven, that means they have souls. And if they have souls, they’re just as good as humans. And we’re pretty sure God gave us dominion over the animals. If all animals go to Heaven, what incentive do they have to be good? Because there are some birds out there that are total assholes.
This also means that when we humans get to Heaven, we’re going to be constantly in danger of animals. Want to go strolling through that Heavenly garden? Not unless you want to get mauled by bears. Want to grab a quick swim in the waters of the righteous? Too bad, the water’s infested by sharks.
On the upside, there are dinosaurs in Heaven. Welcome to Jurassic Paradise.
Here’s a reminder to all you warriors out there: furries don’t count as animals, so they are not your enemy. Someone in Chicago didn’t get that message over the weekend.
On Saturday night the Midwest FurFest was in full swing at a Chicago hotel. Then someone dumped powdered chlorine in a stairwell, causing the entire building to be evacuated. Thousands of people had nothing but their fuzzy, animal-like costumes to shield them from the Chicago winter. The chlorine gas was so strong that 19 guests had to be treated for dizziness.
Again, while they may look like animals, there are humans underneath. Do not attack furries.
Owls are bad enough as it is. They can watch things in a nearly 360-degree range, they’re deadly, and they always look like they’re judging you. But now it’s worse.
Apparently, you’re not even safe from owls in the water. In Chicago, an ordinary citizen captured video of a great horned owl doing the breast stroke on Lake Michigan. And it looks like a real jerk at the same time.
We won’t back down. As we move closer and closer to the holiday season, our wartime enemies, the animal kingdom, attempt to throw everything at us. Because of their lack of opposable thumbs and indoor heating, animals are not able to survive the winter, with the exception of a select few of their specialized troops, giving us the advantage.
Reptiles are the first of their warriors to go down. Given their cold-blooded bodies, it of course makes sense that they’d throw their largest warriors in a last-ditch attempt, and they did just that over the weekend in Lakeland, Florida. A local man was able to dispatch a 12 foot long, over 700 pound monster alligator. It may not be hold the record for the largest or heaviest alligator in the state, but Lakeland residents will be able to sleep soundly knowing that they won’t have to contend with such a horrific beast.
What I tell you next, though, may put you through an emotional roller coaster. Almost two months ago, an Arkansas girl was involved in an accident that saw a deer come through opposing traffic and place itself through her driver’s side window, impaling her through her jaws with its antlers. It’s a terrifying event to happen. We’re proud and overjoyed to say that now, Tori Henry has nearly fully recovered, with simply a small scar to show. Even better, that villainous deer is dead and no more.
Take that, nature.