Fish attack California elementary school

It was nearly lunch time when the attack happened. Fish raining down from the sky as helpless schoolchildren looked on.

In California, our animal foes carried out a cowardly attack on an elementary school, undoubtedly targeting children. Authorities say just before noon, a whole lot of fish fell from the sky, striking the campus of Stanford Avenue Elementary School. State officials say the fish were a species of carp not found in the river near the school, and offered no answers as to how the attack was carried out.

Fortunately, no humans were hurt in the suicide attack. No animal groups have claimed responsibility at this point.

Steer, deer attacks on the rise

We feel safe when we’re in civilization. We’re around other people, we’re close to bathrooms, and we generally don’t have to worry about animals. Maybe nowhere is safe now.

In Tennessee, patrons where enjoying being inside of a Waffle House and, we assume, eating waffles, when they saw deputies trying to corral a steer in the parking lot. The steer had reportedly gotten loose and was making its way through the town of Cookeville. Authorities were about to get the steer into the Waffle House parking lot, but it managed to slip past the police cars and continue on down the road. We don’t know what actually ended up happening to it. The citizens of Cookeville are no doubt living in fear.

And in Minnesota, a Wal-Mart was invaded by a deer. The beast made it to the pet aisle before some hero tackled it and put it in a headlock. Unfortunately, the Wal-Mart shoppers took pity on their attacker, and set him free outside the store.

British ambassador escapes wild boar attack

When we see animal attacks on mankind, the incidents tend to be limited to one country, and involve common folk, rather than leaders. Folks, we may be seeing an escalation.

In Austria, a British ambassador escaped an assassination attempt by a wild boar. Leigh Turner, the U.K. ambassador to Austria, was exploring a nature park in Vienna when he came across a group of wild boars. Though he tried to verbally parry his way out of the situation, the beasts would have none of it. One of the boars charged at him.

Luckily, British ambassadors are in shape. Turner was able to climb up a tree before the boar reached him. He sustained minor injuries from his impromptu climb.

It is clear the animals want to cause international incidents to throw us into chaos. We must be vigilant.

Syringe bird nests mark first positive of opioid epidemic

The opioid epidemic that is gutting communities throughout the U.S. doesn’t stop at the border. Canada is dealing with the crisis, too. There’s nothing funny about a crippling addition to opioids — well, maybe the constipation.

In any case, there’s a rare bit of light coming from, Vancouver, where authorities have found a bird’s nest made out of used syringes. The discovery was made in an unoccupied room of a seedy hotel in Vancouver’s opioid hotspot. A sink with dozens of syringes in it is home to three pigeon eggs.

Then again, if this leads to a boom in the pigeon population across North America, we’re all screwed.

40 snakes found in Wal-Mart parking lot, as foretold in prophecy

If we haven’t made it clear by now, you should avoid Wal-Mart at all costs, and not because they gut your town’s economy. Those places, their parking lots, specifically, are targets for animal attacks.

In Arkansas, police responded to a report of 40 snakes in the parking lot, creating a panic. Many Wal-Mart-goers were concerned that the snakes where poisonous, but fortunately, this turned out not to be true.

Police believe that the snakes were put there by some evil person, but that’s lazy police work. It is entirely conceivable that these snakes showed up in the Wal-Mart parking lot on their own specifically to wreak havoc on the local populace. These non-poisonous snakes wanted to live one day like they were as dangerous at the ones that have venom.

Endangerous Tinder liaisons last chance to save white rhino

It’ll take at least $9 million dollars to convince these handlers to jack off a rhino. Donate today.

We suspect that Kenya doesn’t use Tinder much. Because, if they did, they’d know that most people aren’t using the app to get pregnant. Nearly the opposite, in fact. But, if the Ol Pejeta conservatory is aware that most casual hookups aren’t looking to continue their species, they aren’t showing it in their latest attempt to save the white rhino: a Tinder profile for Sudan, the last known male of his kind.

The conservatory needs to raise $9 million dollars to extract Sudan’s sperm and fertilize eggs from two of the last female white rhinos. They tried the old-fashioned way, but apparently Sudan wasn’t able to make a successful connection. (Be careful swiping right, ladies. Ol’ Softdick’s likely to call you a “whore” if you don’t respond to his messages right away.)

Surprisingly, though, the profile/marketing gimmick is working. Tinder users in 190 countries have swiped right on Sudan’s profile — so many that they crashed Ol Pejeta’s Web site, which is where the app redirects hornballs.* So, if you thought you were going to get with 6 feet and 5,000 pounds of horny fury, you’re not only going have to settle for 5’8, 195 pound Chad, but you might not even get to help Sudan.

And, hey, who knows? Maybe Sudan will be able to get it up again for his fans once the pressure’s off to make a baby.

Turkey gets Wal-Mart greeter fired

The weather is warming up again, which means that animals are renewing their assault on Wal-Marts across the country. Yeah, remember that?

In Wisconsin, an 88-year-old Wal-Mart greeter has lost his job all because of a wild turkey, and not the drinking kind. According to reports, Bob Tallinger has been a greeter for eight years, and he just watched as a turkey sauntered through the door of his Wal-Mart. He probably even said hello, because that’s his job. But management didn’t like how he didn’t try to shoo the turkey out, or notify someone to get it out of the store. So the bigwigs let him go.

Now this elderly man is out of a job, probably forced to spend time with the woman he’s been married to for 50 years. And it’s all because of a stupid turkey.

Scientist are working on cyborg turtles

Technically, this is a robot turtle, but you get it.

The main problem with animals is that we can’t control them. You can say you have your dog trained, but when the food supply runs out, who’s really the master? Cats do whatever they want, and every other animal you come into contact with does whatever it feels like doing at that time. Thanks to science, soon we will have remote-controlled turtles.

Researchers in South Korea are working on creating cyborg turtles. If everything goes according to plan, you could one day control the movements of a turtle using only your mind. These folks want to put a system onto a turtle’s shell that would send it signals on which way to navigate. The human controlling it would wear a headset that would read brainwaves, and send commands to the turtle-mounted system over wifi.

So basically, it’s Dino Riders, but in real life. The future is going to be awesome.

Nostalgia-crazed snake on a plane

The internet has been a place where people can come together to laugh and promote awful ideas for a fair amount of its existence. Long before Boaty McBoatface or pretty much every online poll to name anything ever, there was 2006’s Snakes on a Plane.

The film marked Samuel L. Jackson’s full transformation into a living meme, and is probably why we ended up with those Sharknado movies. The problem is that the movie shone a spotlight on a huge security risk for all the animals to see. That’s why a decade later we’re still seeing stories about snakes on planes. This time a passenger left his snake on a local Alaska airline, and it was found during the following flight.

Luckily for passengers, the snake wasn’t venomous, and flight attendants caught it and locked it in a storage bin until the plane was safely on the ground.

Since we’re here, let’s take a trip back to 2006 with a demonstrational video on how to smuggle snakes onto a plane.

Giant chicken presents existential threat

As humans, we think we’re in charge of the Earth. Then we see a monster to remind us that our survival has never been a guarantee. This week’s monster is that giant chicken.

The viral video of a chicken that looks, well, larger than any chicken ever should, has been making the rounds this week. A lot of people say it has to be a hoax. We’d love to tell you that it is, but the sad fact is that we do indeed live in a world where giant chickens exist. Turns out, it’s called a Brahma chicken. They can weigh up to 18 pounds, which is like a heavy cat or medium-size dog, and they look like they have enough feathers for a hotel’s worth of pillows.

We don’t know what they want from us, and we don’t know when they will strike. But we do know that spring is here, and it’s time to fire up the grill.