Police called after man argues with A-hole parrot

Parrots can’t speak German primarily because of the umlauts.

Never have a pet that can argue with you. That should be your top consideration when thinking about owning an animal.

In Germany, police were called to an apartment after a neighbor reported a loud argument that had been going on for some time. They found a man arguing with a parrot. The 22-year-old man told police that he was annoyed with the bird, which his girlfriend owns, and began yelling at it. The bird apparently can bark like a dog, but not speak.

A few observations about this:

  • Of course the girlfriend owns something as annoying as a parrot, much less a parrot that barks like a dog.
  • Clearly, alcohol was involved in this.
  • Imagine explaining to your girlfriend when she comes home that police questioned you for arguing with her pet.
  • This sounds like a healthy relationship.

Alaska capital goes dark after dastardly animal attack

The residents of Juneau, Alaska, are good, hard-working Americans. Certain politicians would probably even call them “real Americans.” And on Monday, there was a terrorist attack on their grid.

Authorities say that an eagle dropped a foot-long piece of metal on a power line, which caused an outage for the good people of Juneau. For well over 40 minutes these folks had to endure life without electricity. All because of an attack on our infrastructure by the animals.

Symbol of America or not, it is well past time that we finished off the bald eagles once and for all.

Your spiders and goats are no longer welcome on American Airlines

It’s not often that we take the time to praise airlines for doing something good. That’s usually because the only do things that make us pay more and make the whole process of flying even more stressful. Not today. American Airlines is cracking down on animals on flights.

For far too long we’ve let freeloading animals on flights because they’re “emotional support animals,” well, those days are over? Looking to bring your emotional support spider on board with you? Tough cookies. The same goes for your goats, ferrets and reptiles. Even if they’re emotional support animals, a long list of creatures will not be allowed on American Airlines flights, starting July 1.

It’s about time we started getting tough on those needing emotional support.

Dog shoots man

At the risk of sounding like liberal snowflakes, we’re going to argue that dogs should not be allowed to use firearms, despite whatever Constitutional scholars may say.

In Iowa, a man was taken to the emergency room after suffering a gunshot at the hands, er, paws of his dog. According to reports, the man was lying on his couch wearing his gun in a belly band holster — because why wouldn’t you want to be packing while relaxing on the couch? — when his dog jumped up and disabled the thumb safety and trigger safety, then jumped up again and pulled the trigger. The man was shot in the leg.

Despite the obvious assassination attempt, the man doesn’t blame the dog, but considers it an accident. Folks, studies show that the chances of being shot by your dog go up exponentially if you have a gun in your house, and even more if you own a dog.

Coming soon: Spider robots

When science is doing anything involving spiders, you know it’s a bad thing. But this news is twice as bad: researchers have taught a spider to jump so they can make robots.

Kim the regal jumping spider has been taught by scientists to jump on command, so that her agility can be studied, and one day, copied. The spider can jump six times its body length without a running start, and that’s something the researchers want to figure out, so that one day they can create robots that can do the same.

Folks, animals are dangerous enough as it is. Making robots that are like animals is even worse. One day you could have a robo-spider jump on you and take your freedom.

Addicted kangaroos will kill you over a carrot

Still think it’s harmless?

Kangaroos, better known as the only animals in Australia that aren’t trying to kill you, are now trying to kill you. The reason? You guessed it: carrots.

Punk tourists are getting roughed up by kangaroos who want to score some carrots. According to reports, the ‘roos in one spot outside of Sydney expect tourist groups to have food on them, especially carrots, and get violent if they don’t.

Of course, authorities blame the human victims, rather than the junkie kangaroos, for the attacks. They claim that people entice the beasts over to them for a selfie by offering carrots and other food. This makes them expect food when they see you, and when you don’t meet their expectation, you get kicked and scratched.

If this is what a gateway vegetable can do to an animal, just imagine what would happen if you got hooked chasing the orange dragon.

Warrior of the Week: Guy bitten by snake, bear, shark

Once bitten, twice shy, thrice … cursed?

The animals of the world clearly have it out for Dylan McWilliams, a 20-year-old from Colorado. While on vacation in Hawaii last week he was bitten by a shark. Luckily, he was able to make it back to shore and received a few stitches to his leg. But that wasn’t his first run-in with a deadly animal.

Last year, McWilliams was teaching a survival skills course in his home state when a bear wandered over and attacked him. McWilliams taught his students how to survive a bear attack that day, as at one point the bear had his head in its mouth. Authorities later hunted down and killed the bear. And even that wasn’t McWilliams’ first animal attack.

While hiking in Utah several years ago, he was bitten by a rattlesnake. Fortunately, there wasn’t much venom released, and the dose he got only sickened him for a while.

Congratulations, Dylan McWilliams, you are a shining example to mankind. But you may want to figure out why you’re so tasty.

Inherit the Windfall

PETA better watch out. Monkey artists are just as cagey and more likely to throw sh*tfits as human artists.

Nearly 100 years ago, the nation was gripped by the Scopes Monkey Trial, which disappointingly did not end in a tense cross-examination of a monkey. If that case about whether science teachers can teach evolution was the defining case of American society in 1925, then the Monkey Selfie Trial of 2018 is our generation’s.

The case of PETA on behalf of Naruto, a monkey who took some selfies using photographer David J. Slater’s camera and Slater later taking credit for the photos in a book, sums up pretty much everything about our creative culture today. Just as early 20th century Americans wondered if embracing the benefits of new science and technology meant giving up their spiritual identity, so too does Naruto (if that is, in fact, the monkey’s legal name) grapple with his own unrewarded vanity and questions about the true ownership of digital intellectual property.

Both are complicated topics that we will debate well into the next century, as we wonder when, oh when, will we see a monkey wearing a judge’s robe and barrister wig preside over a televised small claims trial. While the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit ruled Monday, upholding a lower court that, no, Naruto doesn’t own the rights to his selfie photos, we will also still wonder who owns the selfies that we shoot and share online.

But, what isn’t ambiguous? That, as hippy-dippy as PETA can be, nobody–not nobody–out-liberals the 9th Circuit Appeals Court.

The 9th didn’t have to weigh in; PETA and the photographer already settled. Mr. Slater will donate 25 percent of the earnings from his book to charities “that protect the habitat of Naruto and other crested macaques in Indonesia,” as PETA described it.

Instead of taking the obvious “of course the monkey doesn’t have rights” avenue, the court believes PETA, Naruto’s legal “next friend,” did not adequately repair damages to Naruto. The judges question PETA’s settlement, alleging that they abandoned Naruto to fund their own “institutional interests” instead of directly benefiting him.

Unless Naruto gets his pay day, and whatever other candy bars he deserves, this was not ethical treatment, PETA. You just got Ninthed!

If you give a mouse E. coli

Be on the lookout for diseased NYC mice. They’re somewhere out there.

Who among us hasn’t cried watching An American Tail? (It’s OK, the Internet can’t see you nodding.) Fievel Mousekewitz, a young mouse from Russia, emigrates to America to escape Cossack cats and ends up separated from his family in New York City. Of course it’s sad — because Fievel is an illegal immigrant carrying superbugs.

A study of mice throughout New York City reveals that Fievel’s great-great-great-great-great … (mouse generations are ridiculous) … great-grandchildren are carrying disease-causing bacteria, including a few antibiotic-resistant germs.

Three percent of the mice carried Salmonella bacteria, 14 percent carried disease-causing Shigella, 12 percent carried the food poisoning germ Clostridium perfringens, 4 percent carried enteropathogenic Escherichia coli and 4 percent carried Clostridium difficile, a notorious cause of often-fatal chronic diarrhea.

“Often-fatal chronic diarrhea.” Clearly, crying our lungs out at their songs wasn’t enough for these Trojan mice.

If you see signs of mice in your domicile, it is critical to take steps to either catch or kill them and clean up all possible surfaces with bleach to disinfect contagion due to urine and feces. And we have to act fast before these vermin go west.

Police deny existence of shape-shifting tiger in NYC

The animals have always played fair, agreeing not to change into other animals — until now. If you live in New York City, now is a good time to panic.

A tiger, a real tiger, was reported on the streets of Harlem yesterday, sending authorities into a confusing and dangerous search. Residents were alerted on their phones to the danger of a loose tiger, and urged to stay indoors. Not long after, police said the beast was really just a raccoon, not a tiger. Yes, the NYPD wants us to believe that someone saw a raccoon, thought it was a tiger, and was so panicked that he or she called authorities, rather than just admitting that there is a dangerous tiger out there that has the ability to change its form.

For all we know, it could have turned itself into a human.