Suckle on a harpoon, baby whale!
Posted on August 20, 2008
Filed Under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Australia takes yachting very seriously. Since they are an island nation, they are all about boating whenever they get the chance. This means there are strict laws when it comes to boating, including trying to suckle a yacht.
This is somewhat of a rare crime, it has not happened since the swinging 60s, but now a suspected humpback whale calf is facing the death sentence for alleged multiple offenses
You are probably expecting this blog to go on a tirade about how that whale and all other whales deserve to die, well you’re wrong. We believe that the death penalty is immoral. Besides, it costs taxpayers more money in appeals than a life sentence does. you’re damn right we believe that whale deserves to die, and we hope it burns in hell.
Written by Bryan McBournieMonkey see, monkey run
Posted on August 20, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Not helping their own cause, the animals have started making their fight against humans a bit too obvious these days. From suspected llamas causing car crashes to now a monkey trying to evade Tokyo police for almost two hours, it appears we have hit these bastards where it hurts.
The monkey was originally spotted by the automated ticket gates. Now, why would a monkey need to get on a train so badly that he would try to escape police custody for two hours? Early speculation: Suicide Monkeys!!!
Written by Bryan SchoolsSuspected llama causes accident probably on purpose
Posted on August 19, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
We all know that we are at war with animals, but did you know that in Kansas it is illegal to be a llama? Yes, finally a state has stepped up where the federal government has not, in declaring illegal the state of being an animal, quieting adding species after species to the list.
One such outlaw is believed to have caused a fiery accident with a pick-up truck but injuring no one. We journalists know it is dangerous to call criminals anything but “suspected” or “alleged” criminals until they are found guilty by a trial of their peers or kill themselves waiting for trial.
That is why the Pratt (Kansas) Tribune handled the matter with this lead sentence:
Two people escaped injury Saturday after a pickup was destroyed by fire following a collision with a suspected llama.
That’s right, a suspected llama. The newspaper cannot say “a llama” without risking libel. This blog says if it walks like a llama and it spits like a llama it’s a llama.
The newspaper would have you believe that the driver of the car may have been intoxicated. There is no way of knowing that now. For all we know, the llama planted booze on the driver’s clothes after it realized it had failed to kill or injure the truck’s occupants. Watch out, nation. The llamas are out there.
Written by Bryan McBournieI can’t let you do that, Dave
Posted on August 18, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Nobody likes growing old, right? I mean, it’s pretty bothersome, what with the adult diapers, lack of beneficial driving skill, eventual coming death and shrinking of height (hey, I’m already short enough as it is). Want to be able to cheat death and also be an abomination in the eyes of any god that’s not composed of metallic logic? Then you want to be robo-frankenstein!
Yes, “Gordon”, a “frankenrobot”, has been brought to life with living brain tissue. Most interestingly enough, the brain tissue comes from rats. Awesome! Not only does this eventually prolong our life, but it helps with our war against those insidious rodents! Even more so, Gordon has been described as looking akin to the recent summer smash hit “Wall-E“. It’s so cute that it couldn’t hurt us, right?
Oh yeah, that’s right-it’s composed of the brains of dead rats. That should be an innocuous enough fact, if it weren’t for the more relevant fact that we’re currently in the middle of a war with animals. They clearly wouldn’t want to take revenge on us with their cold, steel arms, would they? Survey says: yes they would. Even an AdrienneBarbeauxbot.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorExplanation: The Georgian-Russian conflict
Posted on August 15, 2008
Filed Under Too Soon?, War on Animals | 1 Comment |
Readers, if you’re anything like us, you’re an expert on all affairs, foreign and domestic. But not everyone has the time or inclination to study the world, learning the fine nuances that shape our own backyards.
It’s not enough to know that the flap of a butterfly’s wing gives birth to a huricane on the other side of the globe; you also have to use that knowledge to kill butterflies to end huricanes.
This is why we’re bringing you this explanation for the current brough-ha-ha in Georgia: the Russians want to hide the true identity of Bigfoot!
Yes, a pair of hunters have discovered a hidden enclave of Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) northern Georgia, presumably along the border it shares with Russia. The Russians have invaded to prevent these hunters from revealing the identities of these beasts later today.
The hunters, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer (don’t bother trying to pronounce these bizarre Slavic names), claim to have DNA and photographic evidence, but will not reveal the monkey-men’s whereabouts because it’s an utter war zone now.
Written by Rick SneeThis just in: Apparently we’ve already done the “confusing the two Georgias” bit already. We, here at SeriouslyGuys, apologize and will brutalize our writers for this oversight.
Don’t give in just yet, Pope Benedict
Posted on August 13, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
The Italian form of PETA is urging Pope Benedict to stop wearing animal fur on his clothing. Apparently it’s OK to have a guy die for your sins, but it is unethical to wear the skin of the beasts that God gave him domain over. We can only assume that Benedict is an SG enthusiast, and is continuing his support after we raised our animal alert to code red. Once again this is only speculation.
Written by Bryan SchoolsWilly-nilly silly old bear
Posted on August 13, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
We’ve all been here, haven’t we?: You dress up in a Winnie-the-Pooh costume with a couple of your friends (dressed as a mouse and a panther, of course) when some people start laughing at you for going out like that in person. You get so mad at them that you kick the crap out of them and take their wallets.
This story, practically as old as time itself, happened to a 20-year old in Japan recently according to police. Sure, one could blame the fact that he was wearing a costume as grounds to laugh, but who is the real culprit here. We all know who is at fault: Pooh. Without Pooh’s harmful influence, this man might not be facing criminal charges. His cries of “Oh, bother!” and incessant honey eating have been degrading children generation after generation. Let’s not forget that he is, in fact, a bear, or that his best friend, Piglet, has a tao, whatever that is.
Yes, this blog snickered at the word, “Pooh.”
Written by Bryan McBournieGreat, bears, now you’re putting the whole station in danger
Posted on August 11, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
War on Animals Alert: Code Red!
Somehow the bears have found out about our efforts against the animal kingdom, and they’re fighting back. A Vancouver woman was gardening last week, when she was attacked, and bitten several times. Early reports detail that there was in fact no pic-a-nic basket.
Lucky for Canadians and SG readers everywhere, a local police officer shot and killed the oversized Teddy Ruxben on location.
Written by Bryan SchoolsFlippered pirates on the west coast
Posted on August 8, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Sea lions live up to their name as the lions of the sea. They prey on unsuspecting sea zebras and sea antelope, travel in prides and have been known to stalk and attack human children. Apparently, they are also known for their intellect.
A sea lion in Washington state illegally boarded a passenger vessel, probably intending to take the family on board as hostages and for money or a prisoner exchange. Luckily, after an hour long battle, the coup attempt was repelled, and the sea lion went back into the water.
The only problem is, it then let out its mighty sea lion roar and climbed up the boat’s ladder. The shoddy journalism of USA Today fails to tell us what happened after the family was re-boarded, we are left to assume that the U.S. Coast Guard came in and terminated the threat posed by the beast.
Written by Bryan McBournieAttack of the cloned pitbulls (and dinosaur relatives)
Posted on August 7, 2008
Filed Under That Wacky New Zealand, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
We all remember back in 1997, when the Scottish cloned Dolly, The Sheep That Will Send Us All Into A Moral Abyss. But since then, aside from a few cloned things here and there, we have been fairly safe in terms of force multipliers. No more.
An American woman had DNA from her pitbull dog Booger used to make a litter of clones in South Korea. Great, just what the world needs, more pitbulls. Only these pitbulls are super pitbulls because they are all identical and probably share the same thoughts through a psychic connection.
This is horrible news. As Bob Barker likes to remind us any time we sit down with him, there are way too many pets in the world as it is. They breed like vermin because they basically are, so who are we to decide which ones get to be copied and which ones eat out of the dumpster? We need to solve this problem by eliminating them all before they grow out of hand.
Speaking of multiplying, a rare lizard in New Zealand is still at it after 110 years. He is going to become a father. The geezer lizard did not like females for years until scientist found a tumor near his genitals and removed it. Now it seems he is back in action as an eligible bachelor. This species is rare and we need to keep it that way. Who wants an omlette?
Written by Bryan McBournie keep looking ยป