Ever get drunk and climb up somewhere high? Turns out we’re not the only primates that do that.
You can add slow lorises and aye-ayes to the list of animals you can drink under the table. Researchers found the small primates have a penchant for booze. The animals they studied showed a clear preference for nectar that had been fermented, over the lower-grade or non-alcoholic stuff.
Scientists say this shows that the ability to process alcohol played a part in primate evolution. That means drinking is in your blood.
For nearly a month, Californians have been living in fear of Wally the whale. Really, it’s just the corpse that they were afraid of. And now they may finally be rid of the creature’s tyranny.
A year ago, Wally became a sensation on YouTube for spouting water and creating a rainbow. She made headlines again on June 30 when she washed up dead on a beach in California, smelling up the joint, and threatening to explode at any moment. Her carcass was towed out to sea, but came right back a few days later. She was towed out several more times and kept washing up stinkier than ever. Plus, sharks would attack the boat that towed it.
The federal government is finally going to use drones to target animals. As proud supporters of humans in our battle for control of the world, The Guys would like to support this idea. The only problem is they’re not using the drones to kill.
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service plans to use drones to hunt down black footed ferrets in Montana, but rather than exterminate them, the drones will vaccinate the beasts. The plan calls for a squadron of specially designed drones to fire vaccines at the ferrets, to keep them from being killed by the sylvatic plague, which doesn’t sound friendly.
The drone will be able to fire in three directions simultaneously, but until it carries sidewinder missiles, we’re declaring it a waste of taxpayer money.
The U.S. Navy is building robots, which isn’t exactly news. But the robots were kept to operations in the water, which fortunately isn’t where humanity lives. But now things are changing.
We have recently learned that the Navy is working on a robot squirrel–no, not a sea squirrel, which we assume is a thing. This robot is going to walk on land. The military said if successful, the robot would be used for reconnaissance. That’s right, the Navy is developing a robot based on the most annoying mammal in the world, and plans to use it to spy on people.
We’re beginning to wonder if the Navy is secretly run by animals.
It’s wedding season, which means some of you out there are getting free booze in exchange for a fancy gift and dressing up nice. It also means it’s time for that bottomless well of entertainment: weddings going horribly wrong.
In Colorado, one couple’s wedding was brought to a halt because of an attack by our animal foes. Johnny and Laura Benson had just gotten married Monday afternoon and went out to a scenic location with the wedding party for photos–and then the groom was bitten by a rattlesnake. The groom was treated by authorities and survived, but the snake got away and remains at large.
The real victims here are the people who attended the wedding. They had all headed to the reception ready for a party, only to find out the groom’s life was in danger. There’s no wedding DJ in the world that can play “Shout” enough times to revive that room.
Don’t let dogs fool you. They may act all hungry when you first wake up; but, if you’re the second one up, then somebody already fed them. It’s the oldest trick in dogs’ book (were they literate). We know, because they’ve pulled it on us from the very beginning of our relationship.
Sure, it appears that these were two different breeds of wolves on two different continents, but who hasn’t put on a mustache and traveled across the International Date Line on Free Donut Day? (It was Friday. You and your ne’er-do-well doppelgänger already missed it.) In this case, it was for steak, and dogs got teriyaki and bourguignon in the same day.
Every day you’re in danger of being attacked by animals. But even then, it’s with their teeth and claws. Now, animals are using their brains to get you.
Drivers in one town in England are in danger, because foxes keep eating their brake lines. Authorities say the foxes in Tunbridge Wells are to blame for biting the brake lines on at least six different cars. Police warn that the foxes have acquired a taste for brake fluid, but it’s pretty obvious that’s just a cover. They are trying to kill people without having to do the work themselves.
In Michigan, a woman is being investigated in her husband’s murder after the couple’s pet African grey parrot repeated an argument and the sound of a gunshot. Police believed at first that someone broke in and shot the couple, killing the husband and injuring the wife. But the parrot’s testimony has them wondering if the woman shot her husband during an argument.
We don’t need to tell you the obvious. The parrot is trying to frame the woman, and likely shot the two people itself.
Things may be had here, but a single crow is holding the entire Canadian legal system hostage–probably because it knows that law if the foundation of any society.
For years, the citizens of Vancouver, Canada have been leaving in fear of Canuck, a crow that doesn’t seem to fear people at all. He has a following online, and people seem to enjoy catching up on his antics, but this time he went too far by attempting to steal evidence from a crime scene. According to witnesses, Canuck swooped in as police were processing the scene, and took off with a friggin’ knife that police were collecting as evidence. Luckily he didn’t get far with it, and police were able to recover the knife. But there’s no telling what crime scene the bird will tamper with next.
Companies like Amazon and Google are trying to make deliveries by drone a thing, a brewery wants to deliver you beer with a frigging eagle.
Provided all the permits come through, Phillips Brewing & Malting will have a bald eagle deliver a sixer of its new lager to a few lucky people in June. That if officially the most American thing ever. Which is why it’s nothing short of tragic that all of this is happening in Canada. It turns out that Phillips Brewing is located in Vancouver, and the contest is only for locals.
However, we’re pretty sure that Seattle is flyable for a bald eagle, so Americans might be able to make this work.
We’ve all seen it happen: one day, your best friend just suddenly changes. Maybe he or she’s phoning it in at work. Or maybe your hugs just don’t have the same awkward sexual chemistry that you used to pretend doesn’t exist. We don’t know why it happens; all we do know is that we don’t even know dogs anymore.
But, not only are they slacking off on people work, we also noticed that, looking back on our old Flickr accounts, dogs don’t even like our hugs. In fact, they’re often looking uncomfortably away, perhaps at someone else whom they do want to embrace.
You’ve broken our hearts, dogs. And now you’re the enemy in the War on Animals.