We knew about the usual threats to endangered animals: deforestation, industrial development and pollution, picnic baskets filled with gluten (we’ll miss Boo-boo and his allergies, too, Yogi). What we didn’t expect were foodies eating their way through the protected species list like a Brazilian steakhouse menu.
Apparently, people in Asia, Africa, and Latin America are eating everything from “rats to rhinoceros, […] docile, ant-eating pangolins as well as flesh-ripping big cats” — which reminds The Guys of our favorite book, If I Ran the Zoo … if The Zoo was a pen-to-table restaurant directly across the street from the Smithsonian National Zoological Park in trendy Adams Morgan, DC.
So, way to go, foodies. Because you couldn’t just eat a normal cow burger like the rest of us, we’re winning the War on Animals.
There’s a lot of bad news out there, and not just the made up news your uncle shares on Facebook. So today, halfway through the work week, take a break, take a breath, and take in some good news.
Researchers report that about 10,000 Peruvian frogs, known as “scrotum frogs” because of their baggy skin, have mysteriously died. We have thousands fewer enemies to worry about now, according to scientists examining Lake Titicaca.
We knew scientists were getting desperate for new sources of antibiotics now that all of the old ones are becoming less effective. (Serves us right for resting on Salk’s laurels.) But, we didn’t realize how desperate they’re getting until we learned that they’re milking Tasmanian devils.
It shouldn’t be too surprising, though, that it’s Australian researchers going full tit at Tasmanian devils. On the scale of scary Down-under animals, taking a devil down by the nipple seems relatively tame.
So why bother at all? According to those researchers, who — again — reached into the pouch of at least one Tasmanian devil to milk it, their milk contains six important peptides that appear to be able to kill hard-to-treat infections, including MRSA.
Of course, far tamer wallabies and opossums have 12 and eight peptides respectively in their milk, but where’s the fun in that? If the Aussies have their way, we bet the best way to milk Tasmanian devils is with your teeth, too.
Traffic accidents kill Americans every day, and an untold number of them are caused by animals. Now the beasts are trying to get us tickets and arrests, too.
In Florida, police say a man who ran a stop sign blamed the incident on a fly that flew into his mouth. Rather than let the man go based on the undeniable veracity of his claims, the officer pressed on with his questions. He soon learned the man had no ID on him, and according to police, gave a fake name, then gave a second fake name after he was arrested.
Of course, authorities refused to see that the fly the man had swallowed was controlling what he said.
Have you ever wondered what kind of music sharks like? If so, you’re probably not very much fun at the beach, but you’re not alone.
According to a new book, the behavior of sharks can be seen to change when AC/DC is played for them. An Australian charter boat captain said he noticed that when he played certain selections from his music collection, AC/DC in particular, the sharks beneath his ship would calm down. A neuroscientist says this is likely because the sharks are attracted to the low pulsing sounds found in the band’s music. But he also said AC/DC was heavy metal, so take it with a grain of salt.
It was also discovered that sharks really want Brian Johnson to lead the band again.
If a deadly spider bites you, that’s bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood, that’s really bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood twice, take a hint.
The redback spider, related to the black widow, is one of the deadliest spiders in Australia. So when a man was bitten by one while using a portable toilet back in April, he counted himself as unlucky. But it happened again. The same man, who understandably doesn’t want to give out his full name, was bitten by another redback spider (or maybe the same one) again while using a portable toilet this week. He seems to be recovering just fine, but one had to wonder just what he’s trying to do to these spiders that make them bite him, and if he’s gotten any superpowers as a result. Maybe it’s a Jimmy Kimmel bit.
Also, an important cultural note: if you’re ever in Australia, never, ever sit down on a toilet, they are covering in spiders, and they flush the wrong way, too.
According to a report from the bobbies, an 80-year-old woman was attacked and held hostage three days by two seagulls. The woman said she went outside to hang up her laundry, when two gulls swooped in, one holding her leg, and the other pecking it. She was able to escape her attackers and make it back inside her house, but the birds were out there waiting for her. It was only after the seagulls had relaxed just enough after three days that she was able to make a run for it and report to authorities.
British authorities refuse to comment on whether the birds that assaulted the old woman were met with swift justice.
Our foes are infiltrating our higher learning institutions. Colleges have always been seen as harboring radicals that want to bring down society as we know it, and it seems the animals have finally caught on.
The traitors at the University of Southern California have hired a dog as a professor. Professor Beauregard Tirebiter is the first dog in the U.S. to be hired full-time, which makes us wonder how many part-timers or substitutes there are out there. The university claims the dog will help calm down students who need it, but we all know Professor Beauregard Tirebiter is going to start filling students’ heads with pro-animal nonsense.
One would think the Trojans would be better able to spot a Trojan horse these days.
Your home is your castle, especially if you have delusions of grandeur. It’s supposed to be a safe place. We take precautions to keep ourselves safe, but can we ever make ourselves truly safe? One couple in the U.K. found out that there is no defense from spiders.
According to reports, a British family of four found themselves under siege when an egg sac in a banana brought home from the grocery store spewed hundreds of baby Brazilian wandering spiders into their kitchen. A Brazilian wandering spider’s bite can kill you in a couple hours, or give you an erection lasting for four hours. Not wanting to roll the dice, the family fled.
They now plan to have the home fumigated, but the safest course of action here would be to simply burn the house down.