Category: War on Animals

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Polar bears love red wine

When you’re out in the wild, you’re often at the mercy of nature. And even in large groups, not even your booze is safe.

A film crew from BBC (it’s not “Dr. Who” or “Downton Abbey,” so we won’t bother naming the show) was shooting somewhere way up North. When they returned to their cabin, they found that a polar bear had broken in and stolen some food. The beast later came back while the crew was in the cabin, and in a brazen act, took nearly all of the food left, plus the red wine they had.

We can only assume the polar bear now has purple all over its mouth, so it should be easy to catch.

| Filed under War on Animals

Mouse caught selling drugs to prisoners

Humanity is making some strides to reform how we treat and rehabilitate our prisoners. Unfortunately, our animal foes just want to keep them down.

In Brazil, authorities caught a mouse that was trying to transport drugs throughout a prison. It was caught with packages of cocaine and marijuana tied to its tail. The prison guards say that the mouse was trained by inmates to move the drugs around, but we know better. It seems far more likely that the mouse itself was selling drugs to inmates to keep them addled and useless. After all, if we lock up our own kind, that just means fewer humans for the animals to fight.

The Guys are sad to see the mouse stoop so low, it’s bad enough the robots are trying to keep our prisoners down in the first place.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Our climate is wallaby darned

Thanks a lot for promoting pseudoscience and your pro-kangaroo agenda, Hollyweird.
Thanks a lot for promoting pseudoscience and your pro-kangaroo agenda, Hollyweird.

The next time that friend who always makes your eyes roll goes on and on about how kangaroo farts are somehow good for us, tell ’em to choke on it.

Yeah, contrary to what well-meaning kangaroo-huffers have been telling us, kangaroo farts are no safer than cow farts. Given the same amount of food, those giant, hopping rats produce the same amount of methane, so we might as well all go back to sucking farts out of cows for our highs.

Next up from science: girls do fart, and it’s worse because periods.

| Filed under War on Animals

Man charged with assault with spatula — or was it a turner?

The kitchen is filled with many potential weapons, an alleged bank robber learned that a spatula isn’t one of them.

In Florida (to no one’s surprise), police say Brandon Stepherson robbed a bank unarmed, then broke into a home. A man said he went outside to smoke, and when he came back inside, he saw Stepherson standing there, having armed himself with a spatula. He then threatened the man who lived there, demanding that he give Stepherson the keys to the car outside.

The spatula threat didn’t really work, and after a scuffle, Stepherson ran from the house and was soon arrested by authorities. So take note, bank robbers, if you’re looking for a getaway car, and you end up in someone’s kitchen, a spatula isn’t great for threatening. The only worse kitchen weapon would be measuring spoons.

| Filed under War on Animals

Cool new trend: Hunting in zoos

Here in America, we have laws keeping hunting grounds and zoos far apart from each other. In Norway, that’s apparently not the case.

A group of hunters in Norway were out in search of moose, their hunting dogs picked up a scent, and found some of the large creatures. One of the hunters took a shot and dropped one. A little while later, the group realized they were hunting at a zoo. Apparently, the hunter’s shot was so good that it got through a fence, passed through the moose he was aiming at, and then struck another one. He hit too moose in one shot.

Truly it was an amazing shot. But moose aren’t hard to hit because of their size, and when they’re fenced in, it’s even easier. It’s more like shooting fish in a barrel than big game hunting.

| Filed under War on Animals

Naturalists winning the War on Animals

The best way to capture wildlife in lifelike poses is, naturally, to kill it and put it in lifelike poses. Otherwise, life just gets in the way.
The best way to capture wildlife in lifelike poses is, naturally, to kill it and put it in lifelike poses. Otherwise, life just gets in the way.

The most frustrating part about the War on Animals is that, even though animals are clearly at war with humanity, there are segments of the human population that are actively helping our foes win. Every time we gain a foothold and put an animal species on the ropes, some hippie declares them “endangered,” allows them to replenish their numbers and we’re back at square one.

Fortunately, it looks like some naturalists have learned the error of their ways.

The Audubon Society — a flock of bird-lovers — published photos of an elusive and once-thought-extinct mustached kingfisher. The pictured bird was “collected” — that is, killed — by the guy who found it. Well done, and just in time for Movember!

And, eco-tourists — people who travel to remote locations to not only post smug travelling pictures online, but tag them with smug comments about protecting nature — are ruining animal sanctuaries by tainting the ecosystem and taming animals that should fear and respect humans. Thanks! We couldn’t possibly reach all of those enclaves ourselves.

With naturalists finally on our side, humanity could finally crush the animals within our lifetime. Peace in our time, just in time to wipe each other out.

| Filed under War on Animals, Zombies

Mainstream media finally covering ‘zombee’ plague

Nearly four years after we first warned you about them, it seems the mainstream media is at last catching on to the threat of zombie bees, better known as “zombees.”

The zombee plague appears to have started on the West Coast, and is making its way east. According to researchers, little flies insert eggs into the abdomens of honeybees and yellow jackets, and it drives them crazy. Before long, the bees are flying at night, and lurching around like zombies. Then they die.

Of course, experts are trying to keep the masses calm by insisting this only affects bees and yellow jackets, but since you read this blog, you know all to well that we’ll start seeing reports of humans being infected soon.

| Filed under War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

Warrior of the Week gagged a bear with his manliness

"Ahhhhhhhhhh ..."
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah …”

Animal Warriors, line up! We have a new hero to induct into the SeriouslyGuys War on Animals Wall of Fame.

Chase Dellwo was minding his own business (the business of killing elk with a g*ddamn crossbow, that is), when he stumbled onto a grizzly bear. The bear attacked and, while pinned down, Dellwo did the exact opposite the rest of us would do (kick it in the nuts, duh): he dove armfirst into the bear’s open mouth. This either triggered the bear’s gag reflex, homophobia or both, and the bear backed off.

Chase Dellwo, for your innovative thinking and willingness to grab a grizzly bear by the uvula, we declare you the SeriouslyGuys War on Animals Warrior of the Week. Just, uh, be aware that triggering a bear’s gag reflex might not work in Provincetown, OK?

| Filed under War on Animals

Runaway emu punished with ride in Prius

Speaking of animals and embarrassing cars, if you have a Prius, you can probably defeat any emu on the face of the earth.

An emu was on the loose in New Hampshire, terrorizing towns for over a week. It turns out that the bird had wandered about 80 miles from the farm in Vermont that it calls home. When the emu, Beatrice, was finally captured by authorities, the owner recognized it. In order to get it home, they put her in the back of a Prius.

Public humiliation is a great way to keep animals in their place.

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Pandas endanger smart cars

If you thought Smart Cars were slow before, just wait until they're supercharged up to Panda Grazing Speed.
If you thought Smart Cars were slow before, just wait until they’re supercharged up to Panda Grazing Speed.

Even though The Guys hate our animal foes and will stop at nothing to eradicate them in our War on Animals, we also respect them. We respect them because they’re worthy foes. Well, except the panda. But, we also respect them because there are certain things they can do better than us. Well, except the panda again.

Scientists in Belgium noticed that pandas can almost digest raw bamboo. Sure, they lack the energy to mate or maul a zookeeper like a proper bear, but, yes, they digest it. So, they’re studying panda poo to find out how their gut enzymes churn out a subsistence level of energy to improve biofuels.

If this isn’t a damning indictment of our current biofuels, then we don’t know what is.