Category: War on Animals

| Filed under War on Animals

Utah rabbits are going to be high all the time, dude

Stoner rabbits have bloodshot eyes and are constantly late.
Stoner rabbits have bloodshot eyes and are constantly late.

The Utah state legislature is considering a bill that would allow for the use of medical marijuana. (Yes, we really mean Utah.) And not everyone is happy about it. It’s led to one federal official to offer a very stern warning.

Drug Enforcement Agency Special Agent Matt Fairbanks said that if Utah allows the use of marijuana for people with certain medical conditions, the wild rabbits will grow a taste for marijuana, and basically just get high all the time. When that happens, they lose their fear of humans.

Folks, we can’t have this. Our enemies must fear our superior power. If we get them addicted to illicit drugs, maybe we should go with a more life-ruining drug, like heroin or crack.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Animals and their human allies ruin a London bar

If you’re in London this month, you’re probably excited about Annie the Owl, a pop up bar that will be open for only one week. You are also probably a crazy person.

The draw of the bar is that you get to drink with owls. For those of you who don’t know, owls are huge, scary birds that can see you in the dark, and have long talons that could slice you up in a fraction of a second. A place filled with these flying death machines seems like a good place to drink, doesn’t it?

Now, the bar has cut the service of all alcohol in response to concerns from animal rights groups. So you can’t even enjoy the bar for the reason you’re there: to get drunk.

| Filed under War on Animals

We know the enemy and it is literate

For the longest time, one of the human race’s greatest strengths over animals has been the ability to read. After all, what better way to execute a plan than via message? We might not have that strength all to ourselves now.

A woman in Kentucky claims to have trained her dog to read. Mia, the Australian Shepherd, allegedly needed only four weeks to learn how to become literate. This could be a dangerous precedent. As chimpanzees can learn tool use through observation (warning: autoplay), who’s to say that dogs can’t learn such an ability, no matter how dumb they might be.

Even more worrying is that Mia’s trainer, Maureen Ward, claims to be able to teach any dog how to read in four weeks. Never has a race traitor been so flagrant in their arrogance.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Your ancestors were killed by gerbils

Humans and animals have been at war through the ages–everyone knows that. But according to a new study, one animal hasn’t killed nearly as many of us as we give it credit for.

Science has long said that rats were the cause of the Black Death, which first struck Europe in the 1300s, and kept coming back for centuries, killing millions of people. But according to a new study, gerbils in Asia are to blame for the plague. Those cute, squeaky vermin you watch crawl around in their little plastic tube mazes? Their ancestors killed some of your ancestors.

According to the study, the summers weren’t hot or dry enough for the cause to be European rats, but conditions were just right for Asian gerbils to get the party started. This is why every single animal, no matter how small or cute, is a threat to our very existence.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Animals now trying to ruin the good name of bourbon

What’s in a name? Ownership, status, power … even marketing. The right name can be all that matters and what proves the difference between good and bad. After all, you don’t see a whole lot of Sally Hitlers running around.

So that’s why the Bourbon virus bothers us. Bourbon is delicious and full of uses. One of those uses, despite what ticks in Kansas would have you believe, is to not be a part of an illness. The CDC discovered a new virus in a recently deceased Kansas man, having been found with multiple tick bites. Rather than come up with a scientific Latin name for the virus, the scientists named it after the county where the man lived (warning: autoplay). Because that’s what we expect from smarties.

Alcohol gets a lot of bad press. Being connected to a disease ain’t gonna swing it in the direction of good.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Science: Bugs aren’t fat, they’re big-exoskeletoned

Have you ever seen an insect and thought it could probably stand to lose a few grams?

Science has, and it’s not the bug’s fault. It turns out that insects are as susceptible to obesity, and can even get diabetes. (We’re guessing it’s the blood-sucking ones that get that.) A group of researchers is going to study intestinal infections in dragonflies to see if there is a link to obesity. This could end up giving us a better understanding of obesity in humans.

Then again, it could also make us see insects as more human, and therefor less of an enemy, thereby plunging the War on Animals into madness.

| Filed under War on Animals

Flying really stings

We spend millions on airport security, and things still happen. It’s no secret that there are gaps in our security, and the animals know this.

That’s probably why they snuck a scorpion on to a flight in Los Angeles. Alaska Airlines flight 567 originated in Mexico, and was about to take off at LAX bound for Oregon, when a scorpion stung a passenger. The incident cause the flight to head back to the gate so that the woman could get medical treatment.

She lived, but untold numbers of people’s days were messed up as a result. You win this time, scorpion.

| Filed under War on Animals

Trouble afoot in unfortunately-named town

Someone at ABC13 had a field day writing the headline.

In the War Against Animals, beekeepers are an … awkward area. Yes, they do jail and imprison bees, a vile enemy of ours, but not all of them are capture-specific in their goals. Some have their own self interests in heart, using the insects solely to fill their coffers, much like a weapons dealer, while others are just weird creepy people on the internet.

That’s why we at SG don’t condemn all thieves. It’s reported that a pair of thieves stole a beehive from a Lynchburg, Virginia man recently, though the why isn’t exactly clear. Paul Tabor, the man who owned the beehive, is said to have given away honey and used it for education purposes.

When asked why someone would take the hive, [Detective] Miller says there’s monetary value in it and it could fetch hundreds of dollars.

Right guys. Suuuuure. Don’t quit your day jobs, Keystones.

| Filed under War on Animals, What a Reach!

Protein is protein, after all

We’re in a desperate war against animals, but the greatest enemy in the war may not actually be an animal, but a two-legged beast of sorts: white people who love to accept all cultures until some aspect of one that they randomly discover makes them shriek and then they spaz the eff out.

An Asian market in California has been selling raccoons, considered a delicacy in China. As they’re frozen, bagged and sold, it can reasonably be assumed that they are properly cleaned. That train of logic means nothing to one white woman, popping into the store to presumably shop (and perhaps show how culturally inclusive she is), discovered the frozen raccoons and has now made a ruckus of the product. Are the raccoons legal to sell?

CBS2 contacted a number of local agencies, including the LA County District Attorney’s office. However, none of them were immediately able to say whether selling raccoons as food was legal or not.

Who knows and who cares? Raccoons are vicious, contagion-bearing monsters. Less of them means less problems in the war.

Question: do chickens actually have tongues?