Category: War on Animals

| Filed under War on Animals

Monkey terrorizes Ohio city

The citizens of Columbus, Ohio are being held captive in their homes and the entire city is frozen in terror, as a monkey stalks the streets.

A police officer reported seeing a monkey sitting on a fence eating something. Apparently the beast didn’t stick around to answer questions. The monkey, believed to be a howler monkey, has been spotted by residents since then. Eerily, has anyone reported a pet monkey missing.

Police are asking citizens not to try to apprehend the primate on their own. When dealing with a dangerous foe like that, it’s best not to be the hero. Our thoughts are prayers are with those under siege in Ohio.

| Filed under War on Animals, War on Robots

Dutch start war between falcons, drones

It’s hard to say which will overtake humanity first: the animals or the robots. We’re fighting against both of those horrible futures, and the Dutch may have figured out how we can win.

Though not known for their firm stance against either foe, the Dutch National Police have figured out that we can have animals and robots fight each other. They are training falcons to take down drones in the interest of human safety. Of course, this means that eventually they will train drones to take down falcons, and the great war between animals and robots will begin.

Thanks, Dutch cops, you’ve given us the courage we need.

| Filed under War on Animals

Bed Intruder: War on Animals Edition

Put it away, Banana. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Put it away, Banana. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Wide yo’ wife, hide yo’ kids: there are weird monkey bears coming for you in your own bedroom. They’re coming for everyone, even 99-year-old mothers-in-law.

The 99-year-old mother-in-law of Carlos Aguaras (who did not decline to be identified, unlike his MIL, so he’s the Antoine Dodson of this case) woke up to find a kinkajou curled up on her chest.

The Central and South American tree dweller is kinky, indeed, as its name is Banana (the penis of fruits) and because they’re normally not the bed intruder types, even in Miami. He was held briefly in the South Dade Animal Hospital (for the Deviant and Criminally Insane, obviously), and then released into the care of his owners.

People, we can’t get soft on animal perverts. We didn’t choose you, kinkajou, but we will fight you, nevertheless.

| Filed under War on Animals

Vultures are spying on you

Folks, there’s a new aerial threat out there, and we’re not talking about people with those stupid quadcopter drone things. Vultures are a serious threat the global security.

Long thought of as flying trash trucks or indicators of cartoon characters crawling through the desert, vultures have gotten a pass. But no more. The Lebanese government has arrested a vulture on suspicion of being a spy. No, really. The bird is believed to have left a wildlife preserve in Israel, and according to reports, it had some sort of deice on its back.

In related news, the city of Lima, Peru, has put GoPro cameras on vultures under the guise of catching citizens illegally dumping their trash.

Folks, this is bad news. Governments are using animals to track us and enslave us. They have gone over to the other side.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Wasps make your booze a reality, study says

We’ve been fighting the War on Animals for a long time. The goal isn’t to wipe animals off the face of the Earth, just mostly so. If we killed them all, we’d be forced to go vegetarian, and there is no darker fate. But now it seems that there’s one more animal we can’t live without: wasps.

According to a recent study, a species of yeast commonly used in making beer and wine can live and reproduce in the guts of wasps. Researchers say that there might be different varieties of the yeast because of cross-breeding inside the insects. Each yeast lends its own flavor to the alcohol it makes.

It seems wasps may be the drunkest species on the planet.

| Filed under War on Animals

Sailin’ the Polysty-seas

The Atlantic Ocean, 2050.
The Atlantic Ocean, 2050.

According to a new report from the Ellen MacArthur Foundation, there will be more plastic than fish in the oceans by 2050. And if so, good, because that’s also when white Americans will be outnumbered by non-white people. Why should fish catch a break?

The problem is that, while there are recycle bins everywhere, only 14 percent of plastic packaging waste makes it into one. The rest goes in the normal trash with cat turds, popsicle sticks, and the leftovers from that ethnic restaurant with the waiter who didn’t hear you quietly say you didn’t want leftovers — all of which in turn gets dumped into the ocean.

But, we don’t know what oceanographers are complaining about. We figure that, given enough plastic, they’ll have a much easier time preserving and mounting their catches on the wall.

| Filed under War on Animals

Squirrel brings Vermont government to a halt

We now live in a world where our animal foes can shut down the government. Let thank sink in for a moment.

Last week, a Vermont Senate committee was discussing marijuana legalization (we thought it was legal there, too) when all of a sudden, the lights went out. It turned out that a squirrel took out a transformer powering the statehouse. There’s no two ways about it, folks, this is terrorism. Our animal foes are seeking to drive our policies by striking fear into the hearts of elected officials.

Apparently they are also against legalizing pot. We will not let the terrorists win.

| Filed under War on Animals

Bald eagles now mook hawks

Fuggeddaboudit!
“Fuggeddaboudit!”
We don’t like to admit it when we’re losing the War on Animals — unless, of course, it riles our readers up, Fox News-style. But, readers, we are losing the War on Animals when it comes to bald eagles.

America’s national bird — a relic from the old settlement days when we thought claiming animals’ souls would help us defeat them — is bouncing back everywhere. And now they’re even coming back to New Jersey. That’s how complacent they’ve become: they don’t even feel threatened, much less endangered in Newark. (Thanks, Cory Booker.)

So, be on the lookout for mook hawks in the Garden State. They’ll be the ones overcompensating for their baldness with gold chains and by wearing shorts in the winter.

| Filed under War on Animals

The year of the white squirrel

We start off the new year on a terrifying note: squirrels in Florida are mutating.

Reports are coming in from eyewitnesses that a group of white squirrels now inhabit a barrier island in Florida, and authorities don’t have answers. In fact, they’ve never heard of these white creatures before. All they do know is that they’re not albinos, as they aren’t pure white.

We expect any day now that they will make their demands known.

| Filed under War on Animals

British mail takes hard line on cats

Not a person.
Not a person.

Cats are everywhere on the internet. We lost a lot of ground to them early on in the War on Animals, and your girlfriend isn’t making it any easier for us to gain it back. Luckily, the British have no time for the nonsense that cats bring in real life.

In London, the mail service has refused to deliver an advent calendar because it’s addressed to a cat, which doesn’t have a valid ID. Yes, once again, animals are trying to wreck our highest of high holy holidays by taking over the fun. The Crown refuses to let that happen. Here in the U.S., the cat would probably be issued a driver’s license and social security card by our inept bureaucracy.

Between this and the beer tree, we’re thinking that London does Christmas right.