Category: War on Animals

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Man bitten by spider on penis for second time this year

If a deadly spider bites you, that’s bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood, that’s really bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood twice, take a hint.

The redback spider, related to the black widow, is one of the deadliest spiders in Australia. So when a man was bitten by one while using a portable toilet back in April, he counted himself as unlucky. But it happened again. The same man, who understandably doesn’t want to give out his full name, was bitten by another redback spider (or maybe the same one) again while using a portable toilet this week. He seems to be recovering just fine, but one had to wonder just what he’s trying to do to these spiders that make them bite him, and if he’s gotten any superpowers as a result. Maybe it’s a Jimmy Kimmel bit.

Also, an important cultural note: if you’re ever in Australia, never, ever sit down on a toilet, they are covering in spiders, and they flush the wrong way, too.

| Filed under War on Animals

Old woman held hostage by seagulls

Summer may be over, but the terror caused by seagulls in England isn’t. In fact, it’s just getting worse.

According to a report from the bobbies, an 80-year-old woman was attacked and held hostage three days by two seagulls. The woman said she went outside to hang up her laundry, when two gulls swooped in, one holding her leg, and the other pecking it. She was able to escape her attackers and make it back inside her house, but the birds were out there waiting for her. It was only after the seagulls had relaxed just enough after three days that she was able to make a run for it and report to authorities.

British authorities refuse to comment on whether the birds that assaulted the old woman were met with swift justice.

| Filed under War on Animals

USC hires dog as professor

Our foes are infiltrating our higher learning institutions. Colleges have always been seen as harboring radicals that want to bring down society as we know it, and it seems the animals have finally caught on.

The traitors at the University of Southern California have hired a dog as a professor. Professor Beauregard Tirebiter is the first dog in the U.S. to be hired full-time, which makes us wonder how many part-timers or substitutes there are out there. The university claims the dog will help calm down students who need it, but we all know Professor Beauregard Tirebiter is going to start filling students’ heads with pro-animal nonsense.

One would think the Trojans would be better able to spot a Trojan horse these days.

| Filed under War on Animals

Intercontinental war: Brazilian spiders invade U.K. home

Your home is your castle, especially if you have delusions of grandeur. It’s supposed to be a safe place. We take precautions to keep ourselves safe, but can we ever make ourselves truly safe? One couple in the U.K. found out that there is no defense from spiders.

According to reports, a British family of four found themselves under siege when an egg sac in a banana brought home from the grocery store spewed hundreds of baby Brazilian wandering spiders into their kitchen. A Brazilian wandering spider’s bite can kill you in a couple hours, or give you an erection lasting for four hours. Not wanting to roll the dice, the family fled.

They now plan to have the home fumigated, but the safest course of action here would be to simply burn the house down.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Science: Pigeons can read

Good god, the birds know that reading is fun-damental.
Good god, the birds know that reading is fun-damental.

For a decade, we’ve operated under the assumption that we could freely communicate in written text here on SG. But now we’re learning that we’re not safe even here. It turns out that pigeons can read. This is the worst news since we learned that dogs can hear Donald Trump’s dog whistles.

Researchers have found that with some training, pigeons are able to read four-letter words, even differentiating the correctly spelled words from misspelled ones. Some say this discovery is the result of a lot of training, while others believe that the birds have always had the capacity to read, but we’ve only just now thought to test it out.

Either way, pigeons, if you can read this, you will not win. And we have a few four-letter words for you.

| Filed under War on Animals

Tortoise really gets around, albeit slowly

One Galapagos tortoise is doing all he can to keep us from eliminating his species once and for all.

According to researchers, Diego the Galapagos giant tortoise has fathered an estimated 800 offspring in his century on Earth. He lives at a breeding center run by human traitors, and they recently discovered that he is better at repopulating his species than any of the other males.

It’s nice to be able to put a face on evil, isn’t it?

| Filed under War on Animals

War on Animals turns 10

We’d like to say that it seems like only yesterday that the War on Animals because, but it hasn’t. It’s been a long war, and we’re far from done. But 10 years ago today was where it began.

As with so many other wars throughout history, this one began in Australia. People upset over the assassination of Steve Irwin decided to fight back against stingrays. We learned our lesson for being too lenient with the creatures of the Earth, and finally realized it was time to wipe them all out.

Our fight continues today. We will fight on, for this is a fight we can win, and a fight worth fighting. With animals eliminated, we will make the world safer for mankind. Please take a moment today and look back on the victories and defeats that have led us here.

| Filed under War on Animals

Baltimore fish are on meth

The U.S. is struggling with addiction to hard drugs like meth. It’s a serious problem in society, and one we need to take seriously, but it’s comforting to know that our enemies face the same challenges.

According to a recent study, aquatic life in Baltimore is exposed to drugs like meth. There’s so much of the drug in the city, that enough of it makes its way into the local streams and rivers in large enough quantities to mess with the animals in the water. This is good news, because if the animals are too busy dealing with drugs, they won’t be able to coordinate attack on us.

But this also means that citizens of Baltimore need to watch for meth-addled fish mugging them for drug money.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, War on Animals

Even on National Dog Day, Fox News keeps blowing dogwhistles

Don't let the lamestream media fool you into letting terrierists enter our borders. Build the chicken wire fence!
Don’t let the lamestream media fool you into letting terrierists enter our country. Build the chicken wire fence!

Most of today’s National Dog Day media focuses on how much comfort and companionship dogs provide us, which is a PR nightmare for our ongoing War on Animals. Fortunately, there’s one news agency that isn’t falling for the cuddly animal angle that our enemies push: Fox News.

Rather than be a lap dog to PETA, Fox News is raising the hard question that no one dares ask about dogs: are immigrant dogs sneaking rabies and other diseases across our borders?

We applaud Fox News for sticking it to dogs and enforcing their narrative on the dangers of immigration in all forms. Clearly, there’s at least one news agency that hasn’t been neutered.

| Filed under War on Animals

Seagull sends shoppers running from grocery store

The seagulls’ blitz on the U.K. continues, in case you forgot that we aren’t the only ones being attacked. As you may recall, this onslaught is becoming a summer tradition.

Now it seems they aggressive gulls are taking the battle indoors. One such angry bird broke into a grocery store, or whatever they call them over there, in Truro, England. The seabird swooped down on customers, and was so aggressive that the store had to be evacuated. The dive bombing was brought to an end when the gull was captured and released outside.

And they say the American legal system is broken.