Category: War on Animals

| Posted in War on Animals

White Jesus, Black Jesus, Raptor Jesus … Python Jesus?

Behold, for the serpentine messiah has come to wrought his wrath upon the land. With forked tongue and body of upside-down diamond pattern, his mark of the beast will be literal. Because he’s a beast.

Maybe we should be worried, but since a virgin birth snake was born in Kentucky, we have about a 50/50 chance that the snake has holy/unholy powers or is inbred.

| Posted in War on Animals

(We need) Snakes on a plane

Expert mouse hunters are waiting by the phone for calls from the FAA.
Expert mouse hunters are waiting by the phone for calls from the FAA.

Unless we kiss our ban on snakes on planes goodbye, we’re not gonna make it out of the War on Animals alive. That’s because there’s a new threat to human aviation: mice on a plane.

The crew for a Norwegian commercial flight to New York found a mouse in the cockpit. They then had to delay the flight for five hours to check all the avionics because mice routinely chew up cables and wires. (“Found” copper brings in a whole lot of cheddar.)

This isn’t even the first time it’s happened. Norwegian Air Shuttle spokesperson, Charlotte Holmbergh admitted, “This does not happen very often, but it does happen from time to time.”

One time is too, and so especially is an airline threat that has now appeared time after time. If a plane falls, we can’t catch it, we’ll all be waiting, time after time … Time after time … Time after time.

| Posted in Facepalm, War on Animals

Please don’t feed the bears … ‘s egos

You're not doing yourself or the War on Animals any favors if your bear selfie is from inside the bear.
You’re not doing yourself or the War on Animals any favors if your bear selfie is from inside the bear. You can’t sepia-tone that.

Look, The Guys understand that the entire Internet is in an unannounced “Greatest Selfie of All Time” contest, which started right around the rise of Instagram. And we know that the Chinese word for “danger” is also the same word for “picturesque.” (Chinese is really easy because you only have to learn 50 percent of the vocabulary to use 100 percent of it.)

But, please, for the love of Matthew Brady, please stop taking selfies with bears.

U.S. Forest Service officials at Lake Tahoe have had it with people risking literally life and limb to take the selfie that will finally win the Internet: with a live bear. Rangers have seen people “[run] across the highway to get a closer look at the animals, and even [charge] off trails, through the forest and even over the creek to get closer to the hungry bears” [emphasis added].

People, let us remind you that we are at War with Animals. While it is commendable to document the enemies’ positions (along with a sweet #waronanimals hashtag) there is a safer way to get the picture you need. Rather than shoot with a cameraphone, shoot with a gun. We call it an ammosafari, which is like a photosafari only — instead of taking pictures — you take lives with a gun that you also took.

Then you can get all the pictures with your bear that you need.
Then you can get all the pictures with your bear that you need.
| Posted in War on Animals

Stand Your Ground We Can Believe In

A black (presumably) male was shot in Florida. Again.

We support the decision to do so.

Okay, before we get strung up by the internet, let’s explain the situation: a black bear broke into the house of a man in Lady Lake, Florida. Home invasion is a serious crime, and despite the trouble being wrought upon the man, he still offered a nonviolent approach to the situation, yelling at the bear (a repeat offender) to exit the manor as it continued to come through a window. When it was decided that the bear would persist with its belligerence, the man produced a gun and shot the mammalian invader. He then called wildlife officials to remove the bear.

Unknown man, we stand behind you.

| Posted in War on Animals

Death spider self-harms in order to person-harm

Look, maybe you think that we at SeriouslyGuys are slightly hyperbolic when it comes to our headlines, stories and attitudes, especially in regards to the war against animals. And perhaps our vocabulary palette is a lot stronger and more diverse than yours. But we will not apologize for our efforts to insure your safety! Especially when it comes to the Brazilian wandering spider!

The arachnid, referred by many sources as the deadliest spider in the world, is a hidden danger. It’s more aggressive than its ilk, much more deadly than others, can give male victims pain-boners and has no problem hiding in bananas. And that’s exactly what happened in London.

A family had earlier bought bananas, and intending to enjoy their daily dose of potassium, was horrified to find a Brazilian wandering spider on them! The father of the household dropped the bunch of oblong fruits onto the kitchen table, trapping the beast … or so it would seem. The spider proceeded to tear off its own leg, seemingly in an attempt to harm the family! Quick thinking prevailed and the family called in a pest expert, who was able to extract the monster from the house. An egg sac was also found and destroyed, but just in case, the only safe option is to burn down the entire Amazon.

| Posted in War on Animals

Snakes in the mail

It seems like there’s a new data breach reported every day lately. We now have reason to believe it’s the animals that are doing it.

A woman in Illinois was surprised when a package arrived at her door. She was even more surprised when she opened it up to find a baby python inside from a reptile dealer. She was still more surprised when she learned that someone, or something, had ordered the snake using her credit card.

The only reasonable answer is that the animals are mailing themselves to humans, using our own dying systems against us.

| Posted in War on Animals

Snails keep radio off the air

The latte-swilling intellectuals of Hawaii have to find something else to listen to now, because Hawaii Public Radio is off the air in some places, because of snails.

Some nasty storms knocked out HPR’s main relay facility last month, the signal has been hard to come by for part of Oahu. Repairs can’t happen because an endangered species of tree snail is mating there right now. That means crews can’t go into the forest without supervision, and coordinating that takes time.

Even snails are a threat to our way of life.

| Posted in War on Animals

Spiders now moving into nightmare house strategies

It’s October, which means it’s time for Halloween, and boy oh boy, do we have a terrifying story for you. Who’s seen The Shining? How did you feel about the flood of blood? Have you ever seen The House That Dripped Blood?

Try, instead, The House That Oozed Spiders.

At a civil trial in St. Charles County in October 2011, University of Kansas biology professor Jamel Sandidge — considered one of the nation’s leading brown recluse researchers — estimated there were between 4,500 and 6,000 spiders in the home. Making matters worse, he said, those calculations were made in the winter when the spiders are least active.

Luckily, the house is now being tented and fumigated. It’s theorized that should kill everything that may remain in the house, but just in case it doesn’t, a tactical nuke from space couldn’t hurt.

| Posted in War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

Warrior of the Week: Dan Garza

You know, we probably don’t give enough credit to ants. Oh, sure, they’re incredibly easy to kill. Crush them, smoosh them, they’re nothing to us. Except, there’s never just one ant, there’s always at least two around. Ants are quite literally quantity over quality.

That’s why Dan Garza might be more of a hero than we think. The California Highway Patrol officer was just doing his job when he answered a call on an interstate. A traveler asked him for a little help with a blown-out tire, there was nothing to it. And then the ants struck.

While kneeling, the motorist had been bitten a ton of times by fire ants, and as such, had an allergic reaction. Garza proceeded to keep the motorist alive with a oxygen mask until paramedics came by. The officer is now being honored for saving the man’s life. Presumably he’ll also be honored for eradicating the insectoid offenders.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Killer whales may be listening to you right now

It’s just bad news after bad news for this one. Prepare yourselves, everyone.

Bad news: Studies have found that at least two species of animals can learn each other’s languages.

Worse news: The orca (you know, killer whales) can understand and speak the language of bottlenose dolphins.

The worst news: These bilingual monsters are captive, which means they have access to humans. And that means they could learn our languages, too.