Category: War on Animals

| Filed under War on Animals

Seagull sends shoppers running from grocery store

The seagulls’ blitz on the U.K. continues, in case you forgot that we aren’t the only ones being attacked. As you may recall, this onslaught is becoming a summer tradition.

Now it seems they aggressive gulls are taking the battle indoors. One such angry bird broke into a grocery store, or whatever they call them over there, in Truro, England. The seabird swooped down on customers, and was so aggressive that the store had to be evacuated. The dive bombing was brought to an end when the gull was captured and released outside.

And they say the American legal system is broken.

| Filed under War on Animals

Latest animal attack in Wal-Mart parking lot: monkey

If you haven’t learned by now, this is not the summer to spend any time in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Animals will attack. This time, they chose to strike in Lancaster, Ohio.

According to reports, a customer’s monkey got loose in a Wal-Mart parking lot and began attacking an employee working the cart corrals. The owner was nearby, and luckily, was able to stop the assault before the employee was injured. An eyewitness video shows the owner then taking the monkey by the hand and carrying it away, presumably to a getaway vehicle.

The good news is that the employee wasn’t bitten, but the bad news is that the monkey wasn’t charged with assault.

| Filed under War on Animals

Ickiness from above: Cockroaches can fly

If you’re in the part of the U.S. that’s experiencing a heat wave right now, you probably can’t imagine how things could get any nastier. Our advice to you is to watch your head.

Scientists say that you’re more likely to encounter a flying cockroach when it’s hot out. Hot, humid environments are ideal for the American cockroach to fly, so the hotter and steamier it gets, the more likely they are to go airborne. And because the American cockroach has well-developed wings, as opposed to other roach species around the world, this is uniquely an American problem.

Yet another reason to stay inside.

| Filed under War on Animals

New bird species now extinct, luckily

Here’s some good news and bad news. The bad news is that science has discovered a new bird species on the Galapagos Islands. A DNA analysis found that two distinct species had been lumped into the same group, but the Galapagos vermilion flycatcher and the San Cristobal Island vermilion flycatcher are indeed two distinct species.

The good news is that the San Cristobal Island vermilion flycatcher is now extinct anyway. So in the War on Animals, that’s a net zero. We’ll take that.

| Filed under War on Animals

Bee deal goes bad, swarm goes on rampage

People like deals more than they care about family businesses, which is why Wal-Mart is so successful. And once again, the animals are using our love of rollback prices against us.

Just one week after some dogs launched an attack in a Wal-Mart parking lot in West Virginia, bees struck in Oklahoma. Authorities say it was a beehive deal gone bad. Someone was selling three hives to someone else in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart, when one of the hives was dropped setting the insects off, and a swarm of thousands began attacking everyone in sight. The store had to be evacuated for safety reasons.

The fire department eventually hosed down enough bees to quell the uprising, yet none of the survivors have been charged with anything.

| Filed under War on Animals

Monkeys, slugs continue attacks on mankind

Things are heating up in the War on Animals, although we have yet to hear from either presidential candidate on the issue. Abroad, it’s something leaders can’t ignore.

In Malaysia, a group of monkey committed an undeniable act of war. According to the Malaysian Army, the monkeys broke into a military base and stole confidential military documents. This is the animals’ equivalent of hacking. We don’t know what was in those documents, but we know the monkeys will use that information against mankind somehow.

Meanwhile, Norway nearly ready to declare war on slugs. The country’s socialist left party has proposed an hour where the entire country does everything it can to hunt down and kill Spanish slugs. As the name indicates, the slugs aren’t native to Norway. The war-like Norwegians are apparently so confident in their abilities that they need only one hour to drive the dastardly slug from their borders.

It’s nice to see countries get serious about this thing.

| Filed under War on Animals

Dogs wage war on Wal-Mart

You’re never truly safe from a dog attack. There could be a pack of them just around the corner from you, waiting to pounce at any time. What’s worse is that now they know how to drive.

In West Virginia, a woman was nearly run over by at car in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The slow-moving car narrowly missed the woman, but succeeded in striking the store itself. The car had been driven by a pair of dogs, one riding shotgun. Authorities say an elderly woman left her car running so that her dogs would stay cool, but the beasts figured out how to shift the car out of park. They even figured out how to roll down the window.

We have no doubt that this attack will inspire copy cats–err, dogs to do the same thing. Beware of dogs.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Scientists want you to drink cockroach milk

Are you hungry? Do you want to not be? Then read on!

The world’s resources are only so vast, and people need to eat. That means that science needs to find ways to keep our exploding population fed with that we have. Sometimes, that takes us down a dark, dark road.

The next step on that path is cockroach milk. The Pacific beetle cockroach may not technically have nipples, but it gives birth to live young, which is rare in the insect world. To sustain its young while they are embryos, the roach forms protein crystals. Scientists think they can sequence and reproduce the crystals. That means a nutritious beverage that comes from cockroaches, of all things, could save humanity.

But what mixes well with it?

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Seagulls attack people because of ants, study says

Once again, the English summer is marked by crazy seagulls. We told you about gull attacks last year, but it seems they’re even worse now, and it’s all because of ants.

According to a new study, English seagulls are acting strangely because they’re eating so many ants. The weather conditions in England, America’s beta version, have produced a bumper crop of flying ants this year, and they are leaving their nests early, too. This means the seagulls can easily gorge themselves on the insects. Researchers believe the ant-laden birds act a bit drunk because of how the ants react in their bellies, which makes them more prone to attacking humans.

The science is clear: we must wipe ants from the safe of the Earth, or mankind will never be safe.

| Filed under That Wacky New Zealand, War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

… And a kiwi shall lead them

All this because New Zealanders really identify with walking Koosh Balls.
All this because New Zealanders really identify with walking Koosh Balls.

Governments used to do great things. Build great walls. Shoot type-A people to the moon. Cut down entire rainforests through a little chemistry and economic inferiority complexes. And just when it seemed like those days would never come back, a little island nation on the completely other side of the world dares dream of killing every rat, weasel and feral cat on its soil.

New Zealand’s Prime Minister, John Key, unveiled an ambitious plan to eradicate every invasive predator that waves of arrivals from England and other points north introduced in the great immigration push to one day make a live-action adaptation of The Lord of the Rings.

Key’s plan is inspiring because he’s not going after an easy-to-hate species like mosquitoes. No, unlike Bill Gates, he’s not a fair-weather animal warrior. He wants $2.3 billion to kill adorable mammals, including feral cats. Braving the Internet’s wrath is not an accomplishment to take lightly; that’s motherf*ckin’ leadership.

Of course, he has his critics. But the only ones that The Guys take seriously are the ones saying Keys needs $20 billion. We presume this is to build the world’s largest tree-shredder and fund a rodent buy-back program.

So, in the Kiwis’ words, good on ya, Prime Minister! You’re our Warrior of the Week.