Hey, people of St. Paul, Minnesota? Umm, could you maybe do us a favor?
Sooooo, we had a super rare hummingbird locked up in a cage over at SG Towers. It was all part of our plan to rid the world of the rufous hummingbird, thus depriving one more species of enemy.
Except, uhhh … there was a snafu. The bird got loose and apparently is now found in your neck of the woods. How crazy is that?! Look, if you find it, by all means, capture and send it back to us please. We’ll reimburse you with many internets. If you can’t capture it, well, you’re Minnesota in November and it’s a hummingbird. Nature will take over soon.
We may think of animals that live in the Antarctic as cute, and because they live so far away from us, we may not consider them a threat. We should. Turns out they’re trying to create a master race of seal-penguins.
Researchers observing Antarctic wildlife reported and recorded numerous instances of fur seals chasing down and copulating with king penguins, and the flightless birds did not seem to consent, either. This has to stop. They are attempting to create a new weapon against us, and besides, we shouldn’t condone sexual harassment in any form.
And we know this is part of a concerted attack by animals because Disneyland Paris doesn’t have a tiger. This Sher Khan is clearly a foreign traveler bent on destroying the French way of life, probably by peeing in a wine bottle or silently mauling a mime.
If we can recommend anything, it’s that the French start wearing masks on the other side of their heads. Preferably something they bought from Disney. With their tourist dollars, America’s most important European landmark should be able to turn this whole situation around.
So, a man, upset with his ex-girlfriend, proceeded to mail 15 live chicks to her. He can legally do that. Somehow. He’s being labeled as creepy, which really is a bit of overreaction. He’s not creepy, he’s simply slightly inconsiderate. The guy actually should have turned them into chicken nuggets before shipping the beasts off to her.
If anything, this proves a giant crime perpetrated among the human race. If I ship anything alcoholic, from a cheap, dollar airplane bottle of hooch to a fine scotch, no matter how safely and securely I package the bottle, I’m breaking the law and am a criminal. Meanwhile, our enemies, the animals, can be shipped all over the country, poop in their shipping box and not be labeled criminals?
Our tax dollars can pay for animal poop going around the country? That’s not right.
Summer may be long gone, but the enemy is still attacking the beaches. This time, they’ve set their sights on France, the most vulnerable ally.
A dead whale has washed ashore in France, the gasses inside bloating the carcass. We saw similar attacks earlier this year. It’s just a matter of time before those gasses are too much for the whales skin to hold, and KABOOM! French authorities are in a beat-the-clock situation, so naturally, they have no idea what to do.
Good news in the War on Animals! At least one statistician estimates that New Yorkers are the number one pest infesting New York City, not rats.
Jonathan Auerbach of Columbia University set out to test the old hypothesis that there are just as many rats as humans in New York City. Based on reported complaints and biological data about rats, he estimates that there are only 2 million rats in the Big Apple, while 8 million humans make life an absolute misery for other humans in the city.
So, either New Yorkers have always outnumbered their rats, or the rats have started abandoning the city, possibly due to how terrible the Yankees and their fans are. But a victory is a victory, so way to go, “humans.”
That’s not to say they aren’t less gullible and susceptible to the schemes of our reptilian enemies.
Marie Seymour admitted to police that she stabbed her boyfriend. Now, given the past year, we’ve seen a lot of bad domestic situations happening. Maybe there was a good reason why she did so? Was she protecting herself?
Nope, she was protecting her turtle, which she claims the boyfriend threatened. An animal that is easily replaced, much less something that is our wartime enemy. People, remember, defending yourself covers yourself, not that which is trying to kill us.
Now, having to pay to name an animal? While that’s not an action we would traditionally support, in terms of an economic fundraiser, there are worse ideas. Wall Street needs money? Sell the naming rights to that golden bull. Seaworld out of cashola? Shamu’s getting a new name! We strongly encourage both the Republican and Democratic National Committees to put up the naming rights to the elephant and the donkey for sale.