Category: War on Animals

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Vegetarianism winning war on pandas

Species traitors tipped their hand by using the panda as the symbol for making humanity too weak to win the War on Animals.
Species traitors tipped their hand by using the panda as the symbol for making humanity too weak to win the War on Animals.

We already knew that PETA was an insidious threat to humanity. We just didn’t realize how far their attempts to undermine the War on Animals goes. While, yes, not eating meat means fewer animals die, it also might mean the end of our species, just like the giant panda.

For whatever reason (it was probably to impress a girl), pandas stopped eating meat 2 million years ago. In all that time, however, they never really adapted biologically to a nearly all-bamboo diet. They still lack the multi-chambered, complex digestive tract and gut bacteria to get enough nutrients from greens.

Researchers now believe that it is this lack of nutritional energy that causes pandas lackluster sex drives and general lethargy. They have to eat all day and still need 12 hours of sleep. And now they’re almost all gone.

Make no mistake: this is what vegetarians want. Be a proud animal warrior and eat a damn steak. And then mate! MATE, with your beefy breath!

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

"Angel hair": Australian for "g'yeeeeew!"
“Angel hair”: Australian for “g’yeeeeew!”

Look, Australia, we get it. You’re used to f*cked up animal events. If the War on Animals were a Vietnam War movie, you’d be the platoon wearing necklaces made from wallaby ears.

But calling the miles of silk left behind after millions of spiders travel as a single invasion cloud “angel hair?” That’s a level of comfort with our animal foe that we just cannot get behind.

Also, where are all those flamethrowers from the Mad Max movies? Now that’s how you handle a cloud of airborne spiders.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

Chase the bear, then get drunk

"Yea, so, ah ... I mightah got hammahed and chased a f*ckin' beah last night."
“Yea … so, ah … I mightah got hammahed and chased a f*ckin’ beah last night.”

Camping season is upon us, which for park rangers means shepherding drunks away from wildlife. And, brother, this season is already booming.

The North Adams Police Department in Massachusetts reportedly took a man into custody to protect him from the bear that he was chasing with a hatchet. They then issued a warning on Facebook to “NOT chase bears through the woods with a dull hatchet, drunk” [shouty-caps emphasis theirs].

You heard the constables, folks. Sharpen your hatchets, then chase bears. And then, once the asthma sets in, have a drink. You’ve earned it, warrior.

| Filed under War on Animals

Worldwide animal jailbreak!

These species traitors are not kidding around.
These species traitors are not kidding around.

In the media, we’re always on the lookout for the next big trend. So, if we’re able to connect two things — no matter how tenuously — and we do it first, then we are the new media gods. CNN, FOX, the Ladies of the View … bow down to your new overlords, for The Guys come bearing a news trend.

Two animal heists. One in France, the other very close by in neighboring Wisconsin. Both from zoos, although the one in Wisconsin is called the Special Memories Zoo, which indicates that it may or may not be a petting zoo for dying children. 17 rare monkeys were stolen from one, and a baby kangaroo and four baby goats (or, the rare monkeys of the Wisconsin) were stolen from another.

People, we don’t know why animal liberators are mobilizing and what their endgame is. But, it’s clearly time to panic.

| Filed under Tokyoh-no!, War on Animals

Newborn macaque already brings great shame, dishonor to Japan

In related news, Hanna-Barbera has some apology hams to mail out to both England and Japan.
In related news, Hanna-Barbera has some apology hams to mail out to both England and Japan.

We already know that when it comes to our foes in the War on Animals, they have no regard for decency and lines that should not be crossed, even in war. So, it’s no surprise to The Guys that a newborn macaque hit the British royal family’s newest, youngest member in direct violation of the Geneva Convention and all we hold dear. (Wealthy, inbred white people. That’s what we hold dear.)

The newborn macaque had the gall to be named Charlotte by zookeepers — who we suspect of holding animal-loving sympathies — mere days after Princess Charlotte was born to Prince William and Princess Kate, may they forever reign over Welshmen and unlimited balance credit cards. It didn’t take long for human supporters of the divine right of people kings to take the zoo to task for making a monkey out of people who probably didn’t notice until we all made a huge fuss over it.

Fortunately, Japan’s taking this not-so-slight slight seriously and has already consulted the British embassy for advice. Of course, this is all just a cunning ruse, because what self-effacing British person is going to make them change the monkey’s name?

This is what polite war looks like, people. Fantastic accents, dashing manners and a monkey.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Bees getting buzzed

Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.
Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.

Good news in the War on Animals: for the first time ever in history, a “give drugs away for free to get everyone hooked” is not only real, but working. Bees can’t get enough of the very pesticide that might cause Colony Collapse Disorder.

Certain species actually prefer flowers treated with neonicotinoids to plain ass poseys. And that surprised the developers of it because they intentionally made it bitter to avoid such a reaction. Clearly, those researchers don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes (the latter of which contains the opposite of neonicotinoids: old, genuine nicotine).

So, thank you, D.A.R.E. officers for teaching us something useful besides how wearing skin-tight anti-drug t-shirts to raves is a great icebreaker.

| Filed under War on Animals, War on Robots

Intel thinks the world needs spider bots

We here at SG have laid out some of the biggest threats to civilization. So it should be no secret that two of the top candidates are animals and robots. But what if animals and robots teamed up?

Intel has taken the top spot of corporation reaching James Bond movie levels of sinister with the invention of spider robots. CEO Brian Krzanich, who even has a Bond villain name, demonstrated his companies new technology at a show in China. He showed that just by wearing a device on his hand, he can control at least three spider bots that look to be about the size of a cat.

The countdown to when they are sentient is now on.

| Filed under War on Animals

Arizonans’ feet to remain calloused, not fishy

It's for the best, as it was only a matter of time before someone opened a piranha-themed salon.
It’s for the best, as it was only a matter of time before someone opened a piranha-themed salon.

The U.S. Supreme Court is a lot like jazz. No, not because of Justice Alito’s long-winding free-form dissent solos. But because, like notes in jazz, you can tell as much about it by the cases that it doesn’t hear as the cases that it does. And this Supreme Court has decided that it does not want to hear about pedicures performed by fish.

The court rejected the appeal of Cindy Vong, a woman who used fish to eat the dead skin off of patrons’ feet at her salon until the Arizona Board of Cosmetology wrapped the practice up in newspaper. Unlike files, chains, blowtorches and whatever else is normally used during pedicures (The Guys don’t go to a lot of bridal showers), fish cannot survive being treated in Barabasol and, therefore, violate health rules. Their ruling means that Vong cannot resume the practice and will have to exploit recent human immigrants like everyone else in the beauty industry.

So, thank you, Chief Justice Roberts and Co., for keeping fish from taking our menial foot maintenance/small talk jobs away. You’re the real heroes in the War on Animals.

| Filed under War on Animals

Parrots: the talking killer

For decades now, the media would have you think that carbon monoxide is the worst thing in the world. And why not? Having been named “the silent killer,” carbon monoxide pretty much sounds like the most menacing thing EVER. Darth Vader? Cancer? White people during the Crusades? Carbon monoxide beats them all.

But that’s scary at the silent level. What’s never talked about is the loud killer. And no loud killer is deadlier than a parrot.

Parrots will nip at your fingers. They will poop anytime that they’re let out of their cage. They will keep you up at night. And the worst part is that they will 100 percent break the first amendment. No, they won’t prevent you from speaking, but one of the key parts of the first amendment is that not all free speech is protected, i.e., a person can’t scream ‘fire’ in a crowded theater when there’s no fire.

And that’s totally what parrots will do (warning: autoplay). Because nothing is deadlier than spitting in the face of our Constitution. America.

| Filed under War on Animals

An ungrateful animal? Shocking.

Animals are one hundred percent the worst. It only makes sense that we’re at war with them! They’re smelly, they initiate fights for no reason, they bring disease … they’re nothing more than the state of Florida given form.

And zoo animals may possibly be the worst of the worst! We give them a home, feed them as needed and what do they do?

They attack their very dwellings out of anger like a child throwing a temper tantrum. How pathetic.