Category: War on Animals

| Posted in War on Animals

It’s bird on tire violence!

Potholes. Road rage. Construction. Bad weather. They’re all traffic hazards that can be found on the roads all over the country. But Florida, which comedian Patton Oswalt accurately describes as the [penis] of the country, has something that other do not: cranes.

A pair of cranes that attack cars.

Yes, motorists in Melbourne near the Melbourne Airport have been besieged by the birds. The beasts have decided to lay their eggs near the roads and taken it upon themselves to attack all vehicles that linger. No tire has been left alone!

Florida citizens, it’s time to put a stop to this. Attack these animals. Eliminate these two and their coming lineage. Stop them before this goes farther!

| Posted in War on Animals

The enemy strikes the heartland once again

The people of Fort Wayne, Indiana don’t have much to look forward to, after all, they live in Indiana. But one thing that has kept them going is the construction of a new community center, scheduled to open in June. Then the animals found out about it.

A single squirrel managed to cause $300,000 worth of damage to the community center. According to authorities, the tree rodent, having no regard for its own life, infiltrated the complex’s electrical system and caused a power surge. That killed three HVAC systems and damaged the boiler system.

There can be no doubt that Fort Wayne residents are in mourning, but at least they can take solace in the fact that the squirrel did not survive the attack.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Coming soon: Jellyfish toilet paper

Jellyfish are one of the biggest threats humanity currently faces, be they robotic, peanut-butter flavored, or infiltrators of our nuclear reactors. Plus, because of global warming and overfishing, their numbers are growing because they have fewer predators and they can live in places they didn’t use to. So how do we fight back?

We wipe our asses with them, of course.

Researchers in Israel are working on turning jellyfish into super-absorbent household items. If they are able to successfully make jellyfish into what they call “hydromash,” you will soon be able to use these invading hoards as toilet paper, paper towels, sponges, diapers and tampons. Who doesn’t want to put an animal that stings on their crotch?

| Posted in Take it from Snee, War on Animals

Take it from Snee: Save the important whale research!

Thanks to our current anti-scientific environment, we no longer trust the scientific method. First, we demanded that creationism be treated like a tested, mathematical theory like evolution or gravity. Then, we pointed to coincidences like doctors noticing that children displayed symptoms of autism around the same age they receive vaccinations as proof that, ergo, vaccines cause autism.

Even though it’s also around the same age they’re potty trained, yet we don’t blame toilet paper quilting practices for autism.

And now we’ve allowed unscientific rubes to muzzle our most important research in the War on Animals: killing whales and making the rest do backflips.  Continue reading

| Posted in War on Animals

Beaking and entering

You may think you’re safe in your home. You’re wrong. The animals know where you live, and they are coming for you.

It was a quiet weekend in North Reading, Massachusetts, when a woman was woken up to the sounds of something banging around downstairs. No doubt it was an intruder. The woman called police, who arrived on scene, guns drawn, only to find a duck had somehow flown down the chimney and invaded the house.

For some reason, the cops didn’t shoot. In fact, they scooped up the soot-covered duck and released her at a nearby pond. Bunch a liberals.

| Posted in War on Animals

It’s the perfect camouflage

The French aren’t known for being very warlike, at least in recent centuries. But they may be leading the way in infiltrating enemy ranks.

Abraham Poincheval, a French artist, is living inside the body of a bear until April 13. He’s not leaving the bear’s body for artist reasons. But we know the real reason he’s making it his own personal tauntaun: he’s learning how to trick bears into thinking he’s one of them.

The best way to defeat an enemy is to know it from the inside out.

| Posted in War on Animals

The Swiss continue to be namby-pambies

In the United States, snakes are nothing to us. Nothing. Sure, some might be poisonous, but ultimately, they’re a low priority in the war on animals.

We’ve clearly lost the land of Switzerland to the animals, as they can’t handle a single snake. A small snake managed to make its way into the ventilation shaft of a train in Switzerland, causing the entire train to have to be evacuated. No. That will not do. Toughen up Switzerland. That’s an order from the front lines.

| Posted in War on Animals

Dementia: possibly our greatest ally in the war

It’s not shameful to admit that alligators can be worrisome enemies. Deceptively speedy, they have a bite that is terrifying at best and fatal at worst. They’re extremely territorial, and that death roll of theirs is dynamite, just like a killer bunny. Normal people should avoid them.

Now, we’re not saying that we should give ground to them. Far from it. In fact, an older woman in Florida may be slowly winning the war. Residents in a neighborhood have caught her feeding an alligator. This is a regrettable act. We truly should be starving them, as that’s an effective way to win the war. Luckily, they’ve also caught her yelling at the alligator. We approve of that tactic. By demoralizing the troops, we can slowly but surely put a hatchet in the war.

We can also put a hatchet in the war by putting a hatchet into the heads of our enemies. Just throwing that out there.

| Posted in War on Animals

Sheep go after priceless artwork

The enemy is after mankind’s most precious works of art. It’s like The Monuments Men, only with sheep instead of Nazis.

Several sheep invaded the Louvre in Paris last week, using their shepherds as patsies. The shepherds claimed to be protesting agriculture policies in France, which could put them out of business. It’s not hard to see here that the more likely scenario is that the sheep seduced the farmers and convinced them that they had a reason for protest, so that the sheep could run amok.

Wake up, sheeple!

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

U.N. gives Japan something to wail about

Alright, alright. You won. But you don't have to showboat in the your-zone. It's called sportsmanship.
Alright, alright. You won. But you don’t have to showboat in the your-zone. It’s called sportsmanship.

It’s been a fantastic run by Japan, but it looks like one of the last few fronts in the War on Whales is shutting down. The International Court of Justice in The Hague ordered Japan to end its research on the enemy, all based on the flimsy argument that there’s no evidence that killing whales is research.

Did Japan only start killing whales for research after the 1986 moratorium? No. They killed 2, 100 in the 34 years before commercial whaling was banned in 1986. (Thanks, Star Trek IV.) So, it stands to reason that the 14,000 they’ve killed in the 24 years since is because they’re so much better at research now and not because research is the only excuse to do it.

So, thanks a lot, the U.N. And thank you, too, Australia, who took Japan to court over this in the first place. We could have learned so much about dead whales, but now we’ll get their songs stuck in our heads while studying live ones.