Coconut crab kills a bird, are we next?

Add to the list of ways humanity can end, “coconut crabs.” These massive crabs are confined to remote islands in the Pacific and Indian Oceans, but if they ever escape it’s the end of us. Don’t believe us? They can kill birds.

A biologist recently took a video of one of these dog-sized crab sneaking upon and killing a red-footed booby in the dead of night. The bird was sleeping in a tree, and the crab crawled up, broke the bird’s wing with one of its massive claws, then pounced upon the helpless creature. Before long, five other crabs came to take a piece of the carcass.

There’s no question that mankind is threatened by this crab’s existence. If it can kill a bird, it can kill a man. But the question remains, do they taste good?

Sheep will put paparazzi out of business

The sheep are watching you, and they probably know who you are, according to science. But it gets worse, they know who our celebrities are.

Researchers at Cambridge University have found that sheep are able to recognize the faces of famous people. They trained eight sheep to recognize the faced of former President Barack Obama, actor Jake Gyllenhaal, actress Emma Watson, and some British journalist you’ve never heard of. They then held up pictures of two faces, and wouldn’t you know, the sheep were able to correctly identify which one was the celebrity.

This means they have facial recognition abilities similar to our own. And they never seem to blink.

Octopi learn to walk on land; nice knowing you all

Not to end the weekend on a downer, but it looks like humanity is done for. Octopi have learned how to walk, and will probably overthrow us within a decade.

In Wales, about 20 octopi were recorded making their way along a beach. In case why that’s alarming isn’t clear to you, a beach is not the water, it is the sand near the water. These sea monsters are able to get around on land. Wildlife experts have never seen octopuses do this before, and they have no idea why they were doing it in the first place. The best guess they have is that the water was crowded so some of them wanted to have a little room.

These things are crowding up the oceans. There’s an army of these guys, and they’ve decided they want our land. This could be it, people.

Bobcat tries to finish off small-town newspaper

There is an assault on the news media. It presents an existential threat to the independent press, a keystone of our great democracy. The threat, of course, is bobcats.

In a town outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma, a male bobcat attempted to do what online media has been trying to do for a decade: kill off print journalism. Sapulpa Herald publisher Darren Sumner said he opened the door to the restroom at his office when he saw a male bobcat, which leapt at him. Sumner promptly trapped the bobcat by closing the restroom door, and probably took care of whatever business he was heading there for in the first place.

Authorities captured the wild animal and released it without questioning. It is already being considered for a position in the Trump White House.

Beavers knock out power in Canada

Every now and then we hear about a small animal, usually a squirrel, getting into someplace it shouldn’t be and knocking out the power to an area. The animal terrorists have stepped up their efforts, and now Canada is in a state of panic.

Last weekend, citizens of Prince Albert, Saskatchewan lost power when a group of beavers chewed through a wooden power pole. Luckily, power was restored after an hour, because Canadian power companies are prepared for Canadian power interruptions. This is the first beaver-led coordinated attack on infrastructure that this blog is aware of.

In truth, we just wanted to see if we could write a post about a beaver in Prince Albert without snickering. We failed horribly.

Researchers give fish marijuana, because why not?

Fish always look like they’re stressed out. They’re constantly moving. They never blink. And they seem to be perpetually in a panic. Naturally, some fish scientists wondered if they could mellow out some fish — by giving them marijuana.

Researchers recently dosed some tilapia with weed to see if it could help lower their stress levels. Farmed fish in overcrowded tanks tend to get more aggressive, which can kill fish, and that’s bad for the bottom line. So they gave the fish some THC-laden edibles. They didn’t seem to do any better than the fish that were fed regular food.

Perhaps the fish are really good at hiding that they’re high. It makes sense, since they basically live in Visine.

Science says you’re afraid of snakes, spiders

There are a lot of questions we seek to answer as humans, and for all of the non-BS ones for people who act like philosophy matters, there is science. Let’s all thank the hardworking scientists who answered the question, “Are snakes and spiders scary?”

Turns out they are.

According to researchers, humans are wired to see these ugly creatures as scary, it helped keep our ancestors alive. How do we know this? Some scientists showed babies pictures of spiders and snakes and found that they have a natural negative reaction to them. That means that we’re probably born with it. Oh yeah? Then why does anyone live in Australia?

If you ask us, the scientists just wanted an excuse to show babies scary pictures.

Jive turkeys invade Boston

Turkeys are taking over Boston. And of course, conservationist traitors are just fine with it.

According to police records, complaints about turkeys in the greater Boston area have skyrocketed in the past three years. These earthbound birds walk around like they own the place and chase after any unarmed human who dares challenge them. Massachusetts wildlife officials say this increase means that efforts to bring back wild turkeys to the area really are working. But when it comes to human safety they stick their heads in the sand.

These things are regularly harassing people on their own property, and all these self-loathing wildlife folks can do is marvel at the foul fowl’s recovery.

Let’s all grab a musket and celebrate Thanksgiving in a more authentic way this year. For Boston!

Woman wrestles shark, throws it back in sea

Australia is known to have a fair amount of sharks off its coast. In response, Aussies have build a series of ocean pools, which allow them to enjoy seawater, without all the fun stuff like waves, filtration and freedom from shark attacks. But when human territory is invaded, animals must be put in their place.

In an ocean pool in Sydney, people sat along the side of the pool watching a shark swim around. Finally, Melissa Hatheier stolled over to the shark, picked it up, and threw it back into the ocean. Her daring move saved the day for all, and was captured on video. She is now being hailed as a hero, as well she should be.

Let’s remember that in Australia, pretty much everything is trying to kill you, so the people there are just heartier than you’d find anywhere else. Especially the women, it seems.

Crocodile invasion of London fake — this time

Yacht owners in London probably live a very posh life. Owning an expensive boat in one of the most expensive cities in the world is certainly a status symbol. And then one day you see a crocodile swimming towards you.

A boater in London’s Chelsea Harbor tweeted a video of what appeared to be a crocodile–or alligator, we forget the difference–poking its head out of the water and looking around. The man said that the bobbies had been called. After all the panic, it turned out to just be a pretty lifelike pond ornament floating around.

It seems obvious that this was the animals testing the London police response to such an incident. They will learn from it, and strike again.