The septuagenarian is currently in stable condition, but luckily is expected to pull through. That said, it’s terrifying. A cable employee was investigating reports of bees in an underground cable box. Killer bees then arose like some dark cloud, swarming the woman and stinging other people. Bee removal employees estimated that around 80,000 bees were vacuumed from the site.
Know this, bees: we will hunt you down. Keep flying around. Fly into the highest tree. Fly into the deepest hole in the ground. It matters not. We will track you down. We will find you. We will have our vengeance.
With the way new vegans tend to pop up, we were already convinced that it was a form of vampirism. (Fun fact: wooden stakes do not work on vegans as they’ve already built up an immunity to plant-based products through their diet.) It turns out that another bloodsucker may be the culprit: ticks.
Allergists theorize that, as some people recover from the bite of a Lone Star tick (thanks, Texas), their body’s immune system may mistakenly recognize alpha-gal — a type of sugar found in red meat — as a repeat attack. And whenever the body responds this way to a non-threat (think TSA and Sikhs because turbans), the resulting symptoms are your typical allergic response.
Fortunately, not everyone bitten by these dicks (that’s a portmanteau of “dick” and “tick”) becomes allergic to red meat. But of the people who do, the reaction can be severe enough that it is even triggered by meat flavoring and gelatin — which is made from bones. And, for all we know, anti-poultry and anti-pork bites could be around the corner.
It was one thing to give us Lyme disease, but to make us socially-repellent vegetarians? That’s gotta be a war crime.
Despite the grousing of some species turncoats citizens, the Boulder City Council passed an ordinance to have all trashcans replaced with anti-bear trashcans. Being the incredibly large bullies that they are, bears have been known to make their way from the forest, picking through the metal and plastic pick-a-nick baskets that we call trashcans. But no more! Thanks to the special bear-proof cans, the council is hoping that the bears will be a bother no more.
And if that doesn’t work, we hear that bullets are a potentially good solution as well.
When it comes to the War on Animals, climate change is mostly a good thing. We keep killing off species or causing them to lose their habitat. But then, there’s a bad side, too. Something ancient has come back to life.
The permafrost of Siberia is more like temporarafrost at this point, and when it thaws, so do all the secrets that have been kept hidden for millions of years. We regret to inform you that a 30,000-year-old virus has awoken–and it’s hungry.
The Pithovirus has been found in soil samples from Siberia. The good news is that it only attacks amoebas, for now. We’re sure that in no time this paleovirus will kill us all.
It’s March, and the southern climes maybe be getting nicer. But remember, stay away from the water.
Red Sox pitcher Jake Peavy managed to get himself on the injured reserve, he might be the first one to do so this MLB preseason. Peavy promised his son that they would go fishing since they are in Florida. He bought some fishing gear, and ended up cutting himself with a knife when he cut the packaging ties off. Of course, animals are suspected.
So, here’s the thing: we at SeriouslyGuys are obviously devout in our dedication to the War On Animals. There should be no such equivalent of the Geneva Conventions when it comes to our enemies in this battle. Animals aren’t even our equals, so why should they be given any rights?
And yet, it’s important to know that we believe that captured enemies should not be paraded down a street. Not because animals have feelings and humiliating them is bad. Oh, geez, who cares about their feelings? No, it’s more a safety issue. What if a captured animal prisoner lashes out a citizen? No amount of beer can take away the pain of a laceration.
Correction: beer can actually take away the pain of a laceration.
Despite repeated warnings from those who aren’t blind to the conflict going on around us, including The Guys, people still have pets and care for them. For those of you out there who think that your pet isn’t trying to ruin your life, ask the owner of two dogs in Oklahoma.
The great state of Hawaii, specifically its capital of Honolulu, is currently being besieged by a pig. What. A. Pig.
The island paradise — known for being, well, an island paradise — has seen a large, fully grown wild boar traipsing about, threatening the pets of homeowners, damaging their property, eating their fruit and attacking people. It’s turned a dream into a nightmare!
Friend of The Guys, Robbie Zahn: we call upon you to take your spearfishing ways onto the land and save the city of Honolulu. Let this post be our Shobijin that we sing to you. May you be the Mothra that saves us all.
Countless groups dedicated to the end of the human race like to defend whales. They say these sea mammals are gentle beasts and important to the oceans they live in. But what these species traitors fail to realize is that whales are pretty big jerks.
There’s been a lot of animal news lately, some good, some bad. This is news of potentially both.
A zookeeper has taught a chicken how to play the piano. Miki Nagatoshi feels that chickens are severely underrated and capable of learning anything with enough practice. Lady, if there’s one thing that The Guys do, it’s never underrate any of our enemies in this war.
It’s a little disturbing to think about how a chicken can play a piano. Unknowingly, what if Nagatoshi has given our fowl/foul enemies a way to set off bombs without even being there?
On the bright side, at least this is one more blow against Big Player Piano.