Category: War on Animals

| Filed under War on Animals

British teens bravely take on seagulls

Seagulls in England have gotten so aggressive that the government wants to take action. But what are the kids up to?

A few teenagers have been spotted running up and down the waterfront in Plymouth with bags of fish and chips over their heads, daring the gulls to attack them. A couple teens were spotted doing something stupid? In the media, we call that a “dangerous new craze sweeping the country that could put your child at risk.”

The best news here is that these teenagers aren’t afraid of the seagulls, even though the rest of the U.K. is. Perhaps these boys are the symbols of resistance the Brits need to turn this thing around.

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Seagulls are taking over England

Artist's depiction of what England looks like right now.
Artist’s depiction of what England looks like right now.

It’s shaping up to be the worst summer ever in England. Just weeks ago, an English beach suffered from snails launching from the sand. Now, there’s an attack from the air.

The seagulls on U.K. beaches are going nuts this summer. First, it was reported that a gull pecked a dog to death in Cornwall while it was outside in its own yard, then another one pecked at the head of a 66-year-old woman in the same town, or shire, or whatever. She suffered wounds to her scalp. Someone even photographed seagulls eating a rat whole. Her Majesty’s seagulls have clearly snapped.

The problem has gotten so bad that Prime Minister David Cameron has said there should be a national conversation about these dangerous birds. No, really. In the U.S., we can barely muster enough outrage to have a national conversation after a mass shooting. Do you really think our country is ready for when the animals rise up?

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Shark lands in woman’s yard, tornado suspected

It’s Shark Week, you know, that event on the Discovery Channel that stopped being educational a few years ago and is now just scary. The animals know this, and they’re preying on our fears.

That’s why it’s no coincidence that a shark recently showed up in a grandmother’s backyard. The Virginia Beach woman’s grandchildren were playing outside when they came across the dead body of a baby shark. It was as if it had been picked up and dropped there by some sort of sharknado. The authorities believe it was a bird that dropped its prey.

But if that’s true, that means the animals are colluding to tell us that Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. It’s going to be war.

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Snails have learned how to shoot out of the ground

Here in the U.S., we’re watching ourselves in the ocean because sharks are attacking us left and right. In England, there’s another animal threat at the beach.

It was an average day at the beach in Devon, England, the citizens were — well, we don’t actually know if British people go to the beach — but they were somewhere around there. All of a sudden, a 15-foot-wide, 15-foot-deep hole opened in the sand, and snails began launching out of it like a volcano. When the sand collapsed, it shot water and sea snails that had been lurking below into the sky.

If England has a summer, this probably ruined it.

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Token black bear at college party

Animals aren’t just out to kill you, sometimes they simply want to ruin your day.

In Pennsylvania, a bear totally ruined a college party on Friday night. Students at Lehigh University were hanging out, enjoying the nice weather and probably a keg stand or two, when a 400-pound black bear showed up and killed everyone’s buzz. Luckily, authorities were able to sedate the beast and haul it away.

We can only hope that the partiers resumed their revelry.

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Bees kill more people than sharks, but a beeshark would be worse

It’s summer, and that means there are some shark attack stories in the news. It’s good to be ready to fight a shark every time you go in the water, but other animals are far more deadly.

According to statistics on how many they kill a year, the deadliest animals are bees, wasps and hornets, followed closely by mammals except for the third and fourth most deadly, dogs and cows. So basically, if the bees team up with mice, dogs and deer, we’re all doomed.

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Fish in New Jersey will bite your cojones

Two years ago, a vicious and invasive species fish was found in the waters off Denmark. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, it’s back.

The pacu, a fish at home in South America, has been found in a lake in South Jersey. This species of fish is a particular danger, because it has teeth, and has a powerful bite. What’s worse, they tend to target men’s testicles, thinking them food.

So in case you were planning on going in any water in New Jersey this summer, don’t.

| Filed under War on Animals

Mayflies can bring our summer roads a taste of winter

When a bug hits your windshield, it’s not a big deal, but when thousands of bugs cover a bridge, it’s another matter.

In Pennsylvania, a “blizzard” of mayflies swarmed a bridge, making it hard to see. That’s bad enough, but then the mayflies decided it was a good time to die en masse. In fact, there were so many dead bugs on the bridge that the road surface became slippery, causing three separate motorcycle accidents.

The animals are so dedicated to their cause that they will sacrifice themselves by the truckload just to take a few of us out. Drive carefully, everyone.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

… He’s going to ask for some hooch

Give a chimp a termite, he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish for termites, he'll sit on a tree stump and drink palm wine all day.
Give a chimp a termite, he’ll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish for termites, and he’ll sit on a tree stump and drink palm wine all day.

In a startling follow-up to last week’s post, not only do chimps want cooked food (but won’t cook it themselves), they also want booze. Scientists in Guinea found chimps in the wild soaking up fermented palm sap with makeshift sponges made from chewed up leaves.

Not only are they drinking alcohol, but they’re drinking it people-style: to get drunk and sleep better.

‘Some individuals were estimated to have consumed about 85ml of alcohol,’ [said Dr Kimberley Hockings], ‘the equivalent to 8.5 UK units [approximately equal to a bottle of wine].’

‘[They] displayed behavioural signs of inebriation, including falling asleep shortly after drinking.’

Dear god. The only thing separating us from the animals now is meth, and that’s only because chimps can’t cook.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, War on Animals

We’ve lost the War on Amphibious Animals

As if things didn’t look bleak enough in pants, the War on Animals took a major blow today. We all know that you are successfully keeping your foe down if they can’t join professional baseball. But now that there has been an amphibious pitcher, it’s only a matter of time before fully aquatic players’ unions force the game to be played entirely underwater.

We had no idea that all those other pitchers in MLB history only played with one arm.
We had no idea that all those other pitchers in MLB history only played with one arm.

And just to add insult to injury, his name’s Venditte. That’s right: “Tiny French Thirst for Vengeance.” He just admitted that he is a frog and always intended to set back both baseball and the human race from the very beginning.