Category: War on Animals

| Posted in War on Animals

In battle for habitat, it’s nudist vs. nature

Passage Key, Florida is a federally protected habitat for several species of rare birds, but now an invasive species is threatening them: nudists.

Boobies and peckers have flocked to the fairly remote key because the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service can’t patrol it very often. And because of that as many as 200 nudists at a time make their nests on the beach, scaring off the local wildlife.

We’re assuming that the number of bird watchers has also increased.

| Posted in War on Animals

If your internet’s out, it could be sharks

The internet isn’t a series of tubes, it’s a series of wires. And many of those wires are underwater. The animals know this, and are trying to exploit our weakness.

Apparently, sharks like to eat fiber cables that we use to share cat videos with the world. They either just like to bite things they find, or they enjoy the taste of them. Either way, they are intentionally going after our communications networks, which means a large-scale attack may be imminent. The problem is so bad that Google is now wrapping its cables in Kevlar.

The battle rages on.

| Posted in War on Animals

Cougars don’t like the opera

Do you hate the opera? Guess that means you have something in common with our mortal foes, the animals.

A woman was hiking in Colorado when she came face to face with a cougar, and not the sexy older woman type. As the cat was sizing her up, Kyra Kopestonsky began singing opera. The cougar did not appreciate being serenaded, and eventually backed off.

This is a strong case for keeping the arts in our schools.

| Posted in War on Animals

N.Y. doesn’t care for your ‘tiger selfie’

You too, Mr. Woods.
You too, Mr. Woods.

In the war against deadly selfies, New York state has taken a bold step against this threat. This week, the state banned “tiger selfies,” or selfies with a tiger. This is a trend that’s sweeping the internet now. Never head of it? You’re not alone.

“I had no idea what a tiger selfie was,” said Assemblywoman Linda Rosenthal, a Manhattan Democrat. “This is a serious issue.”

Assemblywoman Rosenthal is right. This not-at-all-made-up trend of guys taking selfies with tigers or other big cats to impress the ladies is serious. And just because no one’s ever heard of it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be banned, especially since New York is famous for its big cat populations roaming its vast rainforests and arid plains. So it’s a good thing that the state government reacted without thought to make sure it never happens again.

You wanna take a picture with a big cat? Take that crap to Connecticut!

| Posted in War on Animals

Success is here again!

People, we may be onto a giant series of counterattack successes. First, Barbara Glaff figures out a way to turn allies against each other. And now? Now?

We can stop mice from eating. Everything.

Scientists at CIT “accidentally” stumbled onto a network of cells that can turn appetites on and off (warning: autoplay). Through light signals, the scientists were able to stop the mice from eating, even while eating. Some want to use this technology as a form of weight-loss and appetite suppressant for humans.

I’m thinking otherwise. After all, it’s hard for an army to fight if it won’t eat.

| Posted in War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

Warrior of the Week: Barbara Glaff

It’s taken quite a bit of time, but we’ve done it. We finally managed to counter our enemies some: the bats are eating the mosquitoes (warning: autoplay).

In the Jupiter Farms area of Florida, mosquitoes have typically been a major threat to the good people of the land. But no longer: Barbara Glaff has a plan. Glaff has installed a place for bats to live in. But they don’t live for free. No, they are our enemies, and as such they must earn their keep.

Their monthly rent is to eat the mosquitoes, technically their allies in the war against us. Genius! The bats have nearly eliminated the mosquitoes from the local ecosystem, thus making the land suitable for humans once more. Huzzah!

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

The tortoise and the tablet

Folks, we’re smarter than animals. Let’s face it, besides the fact that we have all the guns, it’s all that’s keeping the beasts from overthrowing us tomorrow. But now, scientists are teaching them how to use our technology.

Researchers in England have been studying how red-footed tortoises use touch-screen devices. (Caution: Autoplaying video.) They have demonstrated that tortoises can learn where to touch the screen in order to get a strawberry.

This an appalling abuse of science. We shouldn’t be teaching animals how to use tablets. Just imagine how angry birds will be when they find out we’re playing Angry Birds.

| Posted in War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

Warrior of the Week: Tradd Cotter

Over the past two decades or so, fire ants have climbed up the charts as one of the newest but most potent threats to mankind. They’re vicious, tenacious, thrive almost everywhere and don’t take no for an answer. They’re basically the Ben Roethlisberger of the animal kingdom (sorry, we had to see if Bryan Schools was awake).

But one valiant man is trying to turn the tables.

Tradd Cotter, a scientist out of Liberty, South Carolina, has begun using a specific mushroom spore that’s fatal to the red menace of the 90′s. Not only that, but consumption of the mushroom is totally safe to humans. Sooner, rather than later, Cotter expects the mushroom to be sold everywhere as a cost-effective ant-killer. Mind you, this is essentially how The Last of Us begins, but, hey, at least we get to look gruff and cool even if we haven’t showered in months.

| Posted in War on Animals

Don’t. Feed. The. Bears.

Extra, extra, read all about!

Barkhamsted citizens to one, single, solitary d’bag: “No more pickanick baskets to the bears! You’re killing us!”

One Connecticut man, presumably a horrible and disgusting hippy, has decided to feed the bears from his backyard, putting the entire town in danger. We’re not necessarily saying that he should be tarred and feathered, but, y’know, it wouldn’t exactly hurt things if he was.

| Posted in War on Animals

Beaver tries to kill an entire family

As much as we may make fun of Canadians for being so Canadian, at least their police forces know who the enemy is.

Some tourists, two parents and two infants, were enjoying a nice drive on Prince Edward Island when a tree fell onto their car. Luckily, the occupants weren’t hurt, but the car roof and windshield were damaged. An investigation found that a beaver had cut down the tree, perhaps even timing it to hit the car.

Authorities actually said that “the beaver is still at large,” which seems to mean they want it to answer for its crime.