We’ve all seen it happen: one day, your best friend just suddenly changes. Maybe he or she’s phoning it in at work. Or maybe your hugs just don’t have the same awkward sexual chemistry that you used to pretend doesn’t exist. We don’t know why it happens; all we do know is that we don’t even know dogs anymore.
But, not only are they slacking off on people work, we also noticed that, looking back on our old Flickr accounts, dogs don’t even like our hugs. In fact, they’re often looking uncomfortably away, perhaps at someone else whom they do want to embrace.
You’ve broken our hearts, dogs. And now you’re the enemy in the War on Animals.
If animals can’t kill or injure you, they will try to ruin your life by getting you arrested. It’s just a fact.
Police in Ontario responded to a man’s house after neighbors reported sounds of a domestic disturbance going on inside. You know it’s bad when your neighbors can hear your argument. What they found they weren’t prepared for.
Authorities said they found the man inside his house screaming death threats at his pet parrot. The man had apparently had a few drinks, and told the officers that the parrot had been yelling at him, and he was simply responding in kind. But of course, the parrot kept its mouth shit around the officers. Luckily, the man wasn’t charged.
A scientist and a philosopher made waves this week when they suggested that honeybees could have the capacity for consciousness.
According to the paper, honeybee brains are able to collect and process information about their surroundings much like the human midbrain. And the midbrain is basically all you need functioning in order to be considered alive and conscious. The Guys say, yeah, we know. You see, we’ve known that bugs and other animals are well aware of their actions, that’s why they have teamed up and continue to plot against us.
Now that science is finally coming around, we look forward to these same researchers helping us to wipe these evil beasts off the planet once and for all.
Despite what the so-called media may report, animals aren’t innocent. In fact, some of them can be real jerks, as a few college kids in California found out.
The “official” story is that some college kids stole a turkey from a local high school and later returned it, missing some feathers and reeking of beer. But we know better. In Orange County, Tim the turkey somehow convinced three college students to let him out of his pen and take him on a wild ride. He likely plied the boy with alcohol, and got them in to trouble, as only turkeys can.
Of course, the kids were arrested, and the turkey was simply returned to its pen. Welcome to Obama’s America.
Folks, there’s just no way around it, we’ve had an escape from one of the highest security aquariums in New Zealand. Inky the octopus is at large.
The story reads like long series of errors on the warden’s part. Inky the octopus had capture the hearts and minds of many kiwis. So much so they everyone kind of ignored him in a back room. Authorities say Inky, who was serving time at the National Aquarium of New Zealnd, escaped his tank by squeezing through small gap between the tank and its lid. Security lapse, right there. He then made his way across the floor a matter of feet and made it to a drain pipe that flows out into the ocean. Really, warden? You dug the prisoners an escape tunnel?
And now it turns out that this daring escape happened months ago. New Zealand is only now reporting to the world that a deadly octopus that now knows our secrets has been out there, swimming in the ocean, posing a threat to all humanity. Way to go, kiwis. (You’re welcome for not saying “eight-armed and dangerous.)
Cats–many people call them pets, your girlfriend spends most of her time looking at pictures of them online. But are they evil? The answers is yes, of course, but not for the reasons dog people are thinking.
It’s been a while since we last checked in on the military dolphins left over from the USSR. Nearly three years ago to the day, we warned you that some Ukrainian dolphins with special military skills went AWOL. Luckily, we haven’t seen them since.
But now, Russia wants some more dolphins. You see, when Russia invaded Crimea a couple years ago, they captured the Ukrainian Navy’s prized killer dolphin unit. Now it looks as if Russia wants to expand that program. The Defense Ministry is offering $24,000 for five bottlenose dolphins for unknown reasons.
Let’s keep in mind that these things have worked with knives and guns specialized for their use. Russia, you have teamed up with the enemy of all mankind. This will not stand.
In Nova Scotia, Canada, firefighters rushed to the scene of a grass fire this week, probably because there aren’t many building there to catch fire. When they hooked up the hose to a fire hydrant, no water came out. They later found that the hydrant was completely clogged with fish.
The good news here is that we’re still finding new ways to kill fish, but the bad news is that this tactic could put us all in danger.
We always wondered what it would be like to talk with animals. It turns out that animals can talk, we just didn’t listen. Fortunately, they finally found the only means of communicating that — as women will attest — The Guys will pay attention to: great tits!
Scientists studied the calls of Japanese great tits (with that distinction, we’re obviously talking about birds) and discovered that they use combinations of chirps to convey complicated messages. Basically, they use syntax — grammar and vocabulary — just like people, albeit with far less of each and fewer stupid rules carried over from Latin.
So, we’re now retroactively offended every time a couple of tits refuse to speak English in front of us. You just know they’re squawking something about the tops of our heads.