There’s grass-fed meat and then there’s grass-fed meat.
In Washington state, one rancher is experimenting with how to make pork taste even better by feeding pigs marijuana. It works exactly like you’d think. While pigs can’t really get high, they can get the munchies. Making the pigs even hungrier will make them eat even more, and butchers hope, give the meat a little more a little tastier. Who knows, maybe you will even get a contact high from your morning bacon.
Still, there’s no reason we should be using the legalization of marijuana to benefit our animal foes. It’s the gateway drug, and no one wants to eat heroin-addled pork.
“Can’t we stick to killing, draining the blood out of and hacking apart larger animals and grinding them into sausage for sustenance?”
As Bryan McBournie reported in this week’s “Minute,” cicadas make people say and do crazy things, like eat them. Fortunately, one of several broods only pop up every decade, give or take a few years, so we can nod and say, “Sure, it’s just like eating shrimp,” because we know this is only a temporary madness inspired by driveways covered in bug skin.
But, the U.N. isn’t content with being crazy once every 17 years. They are ready to embrace bug-eating every year, all year-long.
Taking a break from somehow stealing all of your guns, the U.N. found that insects produce more meat per pound of food eaten than most other sources of protein. It’s also leaner because bugs have ridiculous body images thanks to the exoskeleton fashion industry.
Their study noted that two billion people in Asia, Africa and Latin America already eat bugs. And in some African and Asian countries, large enough collections of certain bugs can mean big money for collectors. Of course, this is what happens when you have to compete with lions and tigers for a steak.
There’s only one reason The Guys may support this idea: to finally thin the bugs’ numbers. They currently outnumber us 200 million to one.
The police officer ended up over 30 feet from the ground after falling for the cat’s cunning ruse. The fire department received a call at 2:40 about his situation, but fortunately used one of their ladder trucks to bring both officer and conspiring animal down.
Had they climbed up after the cat as well, then it would have been up to the National Guard to shoot the tree down. And if they climbed up after the FDNY, NYPD and the cat, then Mayor Bloomberg would be forced to call the White House for federal involvement. And who knows how much big government could have ended up in a tree in Queens?
Yes, if it weren’t for a ladder, a single cat could have brought — ahem — up our entire national defense network, enabling a mass takeover by the animals. Fortunately, the FDNY uses tools: the hallmark of human ingenuity and mastery over our animal foes.
Goats. Bah. They eat everything, they’re annoying, they poop everywhere and some of them are fainting cowards. No one likes goats. That goes for both sides of this war.
Well, now we’re putting them to use. Take that, animals!
O’Hare airport, one of the worst airports This Guy has ever been to, is fighting the economic crunch by putting goats to the grass. (Warning: link has an ad with autoplay and sound — sorry.) They’ll be brought over on loan from a local restaurant to mow a large portion of the lawn the old fashioned way: with their mouths.
That’s called beating two bir-goats with one stone.
Alberta has a roadkill problem. We wouldn’t say the killing of our natural enemies with a symbol of mankind’s greatness, the SUV, is a bad thing, but it is messy.
To deal with the problem, they have started hauling roadkill carcasses by helicopter to remote areas populated by bears and just dropping them. While we commend the Canadians for the cool idea of dropping dead animals from helicopters, feeding the bears cannot be commended.
This is another example of socialism. The bears will soon become dependent on the Alberta government for food, putting the burden on human taxpayers. Plus, feeding bears helps them live, which is counterproductive in a war.
New Jersey gets a bad rap, but that’s because it’s a terrible place to live. Not only do you have to deal with the everyday chance of running into someone from an MTV reality show or Jon Bon Jovi, you also have to worry about the wildlife that hasn’t yet been hit by a car.
In Bridgeton, one groundhog waged his own war against the town’s youth. It was there that some kids saw a big groundhog across the street. They went to investigate, but ended up getting chased by the 20-lb. rodent back across the street and over to baseball field where a little league game was being played. It even chased after the league president.
In a display of further defiance of authority, it broke free from one of those loop on a stick things when the authorities showed up. Eventually, the beast was wrangled in and detained for questioning. It has not yet been Mirandized, and that’s how it should be.
Unlike the panda, which is in trouble because it won’t reproduce, the wood frog may cause its own end by trying to reproduce too much.
The wood frog, found in Canada, reproduces by giving a special hug. The male frog gets the female to release eggs by bear-hugging them out of her. This approved-for-children mating ritual turns NC-17, and dangerous, when multiple male frogs all try to hug the same female. Scientists say it often ends with the female exploding under the pressure. This is God’s way of reminding the amphibians that group sex is a sin.
Keep in mind that the wood frog can also freeze solid in the winter and thaw out alive, and does a great duck call.
Central Park is being invaded, and the people of New York are fighting back.
The northern snakehead is a nasty fish. It’s got teeth, it can live out of water for days, and um, has the head of a snake. It’s native to Asia, but it’s invading U.S. waters. This threat to all that is good and American was spotted in one of the ponds in New York’s Central Park, so the state is calling open season on the bastards.
The city will fight back. It is resilient. It will seek out and conquer this enemy. One thing is for certain, it will not be found in the Hudson or East rivers, unless it mutates or something.
Being a teenager isn’t easy. There’s a lot of moping around, no one understanding you despite everyone older than you having already experienced those very same feelings, the discovery of The Cure and growth spurts. Well, for some people there are growth spurts. Regardless, it can be a sucky time that feels like there’s not a lot of victories taking place.
Not unless you’re Bucky Dennis, Jr. A sophomore in high school, Dennis Jr. snagged a 13-foot, 950-pound hammerhead shark. That’s more than double of this writer, length-wise. Weight-wise, even a beast that size would give Jillian Michaels a tough time to lose that weight. (And think of how sore her throat would be from the yelling!)
Sadly, the shark had to be released back into the water due to hippie-dippy laws in Florida, but know this: we know what you are, and we’ll be after you again, shark. As for Bucky, we doff our cap to you, sir.
This sheep exists as a warning to never drink the highlighter water out of old liquor bottles.
Shepherds who tend flocks of sheep at night (sure, “night flocking”) will have an easier time finding their girlfriends, and it’s all thanks to science and its ongoing mission to make everything glow.
Researchers at the Animal Reproduction Institute of Uruguay inserted genes from the Aequorea victoria jellyfish into specially bred sheep. When exposed to UV light, the sheep glow a bright yellowish-green color.
We hope this trend continues until eventually all animals glow under black lights. It’ll make it easier to identify our enemies in the War on Animals, especially because they’re nearly immune to questioning. (Just try getting answers out of a stoat. They’re notoriously tight-lipped.)
