We’ve followed the saga of Knut, the polar bear cub born in captivity in Berlin that Germany — a country prone to unhealthy mass hysteria — fell a little too in love with for years. And now, with his autopsy report, we can officially end this coverage with a final pronouncement. That Knut died the way he lived: by thinking that he was people. Or, at least through a condition that, until now, had only been associated with people.
Knut’s story ends with anti-NMDA receptor encephalitis, which caused his brain to swell, after which he fell into his pool and drowned. Assuming polar bears crap in ice flows, which are mostly water, we can say that he, therefore, died like another 300-pound white superstar on his toilet: Elvis.
Farewell, Knut. In the War on Animals, you were our favorite bear in a cage to rattle.
Your moment has arrived, people who care entirely too much about pit bulls and stranded dogs. The U.S. Coast Guard rescued a woman who fell down a cliff with her two pit bulls, but, as of 7 a.m., have still left one of the pit bulls behind.
G’on, now. Time to throw the metaphorical rock through the windshield that is a cliff separating a pit bull from life and life on a cliff-side.
Firefighters tried to initially rescue the woman, but her two dogs were acting aggressive, and rescuers weren’t able to reach her, according to fire officials.
And now we turn to Canada, where people want to be fish.
It’s cold up there 11 months out of the year, so it can be a challenge for middle-aged Canadians to find ways to stay fit. In what can only be described as a wave of madness sweeping the country, women are taking a class to swim like mermaids. They slide into some flexible mermaid tails of some kind, and learn how to swim with them.
The imminent threat here is that these people want to be half human and half fish. That would divide their loyalties in the War on Animals. We cannot allow this to happen.
At this point it just seems absurd that the entire island of Great Britain hasn’t been evacuated.
As if the snail volcanoes and killer seagulls weren’t bad enough, now the Brits are being attacked by drunken wasps. Researchers say a mild winter and spring in the U.K. led to a large number of German wasps this summer. The population boom has meant that worker wasps can’t find work, so instead they go on a bender. They eat a lot of fermented fruit and get drunk, and when they get drunk, they get aggressive.
So basically, the Brits can’t stay outside for long this summer because there are so many wasps swerving their way through the skies looking for a fight. It’s that bad, and we’re still a month away from Oktoberfest.
Proving that they can dominate summer headlines, too, spiders have started taking over towns.
In Argentina, one town has been covered in what locals call the “slime of the devil.” It’s a blanket of spider web that covers a large area and is only growing. Apparently a horde of spiders have descended on the town and are likely controlling it now. And they’re not alone. Spiders in London took over an intersection earlier this month.
This could be the most coordinated assault we’ve ever seen from the eight-legged monsters.
We should be flattered that our enemies try to imitate us so much, especially when it comes to extreme sports. For years now, flying squirrels have imitated our wing suits. Whales and dolphins imitate our freedivers. And now, spiders are joining in on the adrenaline rush, brah.
BASE jumping, which stands for something no one cares about, is the sport of jumping off a tall cliff or building, and pulling a parachute. According to a recent report, spiders in Peru and Panama are doing it, too. An entire genus of rain forest spider has been observed jumping from tall trees and sailing down to the base of the tree, grabbing some sick air all the way.
If spiders do it without a parachute, does that make them more extreme?
We salute the Colorado Springs Police Department for quickly recognizing the threat of ripped bears and stopping them before leg day. Left unchecked, those bears could have developed into muscle daddies, blurring carefully maintained niches in the gay forest egosystem.
The cub is now free of the tub and was left sedated in the woods to find her mother again, which should put a dent in her ain’t-no-DNB body.
It’s important to remember that, as we fight what seems to be a losing War on Animals every spring through fall, that natural selection has given us only the most fit of foes. So, it’s a tough war, but would our sacrifices mean anything if it was easy? Like, if the Caribbean salamander were still alive?
‘There are very few salamander fossils of any type, and no one has ever found a salamander preserved in amber,’ study author George Poinar, Jr., a professor emeritus in the Oregon State’s College of Science, said in a press release.
In other words: they were even dumb by salamander standards.
So, feel good about that bug you squashed today. Even if you outsize it by, like, 5 to 1? (we’re warriors, not model designers), you still crushed the very best nature could throw at you. And that’s why we choose to fight the animals: not because it is easy, but because it is hahd hard.
The animals have been waging biological war on us for as long as we’ve existed. The birds, rats, monkeys and bugs give us all sorts of diseases. Even farm animals like chickens give us a pox. But the worst that beasts ever gave us was the plague. And now it’s back.
At a time when Americans are trying to squeeze the last bits of fun from the waning summer, squirrels have launched an attack at Yosemite. Authorities were forced to shut down two campgrounds at Yosemite National Park after two dead squirrels tested positive for the plague. A kid has even been taken to the hospital after coming down with the once-deadly disease.
Nice try, beasts of the forest. Going medieval doesn’t work on us anymore.
We use drones to spy on them, and robots to blend in with them, but not since Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls have we earnestly attempted to become an animal in order to surveil them. Finally, people are doing just that.
In Switzerland, a researcher has transformed himself into a goat with the use of prosthetics. He even had financial backing by the U.K. government for the development of his suit. Such advancements allowed him to spend three days with a herd of goats in the Alps. Hopefully the intel bears fruit.