Category: War on Animals

SeriouslyGuys would like it known that while we haven’t been to Texas anytime lately, perhaps we have a follower who has left his or her mark? If so … we commend you, oh champion of homo sapiens.

And the next animal-related story has us puzzled. I mean, granted, curing malaria is a good thing, but is it not an animal? Is it not a bug? Does it not deserve to be crushed beneath our imperialistic bulldozers? Manifest planet! MANIFEST PLANET!

Remember people, if we don’t stop the animals, then the terrorists animals win.

More shocking news from the fronts of the War on Animals, it seems much like the Taliban, the American crocodile is making a comeback.

The reptile, easily one of the most dangerous on the continent, has had its status changed from “endangered” to “threatened.” Folks, our job as humans is to do more than just “endanger” animals, our job is to win this war, because we are in danger of losing if we do not win. And don’t let that “American” in the American crocodile’s name fool you, these babies care little for our Constitution.

Where is the Crocodile Hunter when we need him? Oh yeah.

In the War on Animals, everything not human is an enemy, even the animals we refer to as “domesticated.” No better example of that than what happened yesterday in Miami Gardens, Fla.

A cow was loose in suburbs and did all she could to resist arrest from local authorities. No one knows where the cow came from, and so far the cow has not given any names in questioning.

A panda in China was found in the wild missing two thirds of its left leg. Who knew they existed in the wild?

Now an animal research center is calling for help in finding an artificial limb for the injured panda so it can mate. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that giving aid and comfort to the enemy, much less helping them repopulate.

This is a war and we need to keep our stomachs about us if we are to succeed.

Good news, fellow humans! We now have a secret weapon in the War on Animals. Thanks to European scientists, we now have robot salamanders. This blog’s suggestion is that we use these like the machines used terminators in the Terminator movies–as impostors that can get into enemy strongholds and then clean house.

It is normal during the course of a war for some to wonder if the cause it truly just. We now know that the War on Animals is a just war indeed. Our enemy isn’t even human.

Take the cowbird, for example. They lay their eggs in other bird species’ nests and just leave them there for the other bird to raise their young. If the eggs are removed, the cowbirds trash the nest. It’s mafia-style tactics at their very worst. Or “woist.”

A suicide attack by a moose has brought down a Division of Wildlife Conservation helicopter.

Let this blog be clear: the moose showed no favoritism to even the very humans that protected him. This is a holy war, and there is no room for animal apologists or fifth columnists. Animals will kill again and again until they have reached their perversion of heaven.

The Chinese are rapidly pulling ahead of us in technology. First they successfully shot down a satellite with a missile, now they are operating pigeons by remote control.

One can only assume this is going to be used for strategic poopings. The U.S. cannot afford to fall behind! If the Chinese insist on using our enemies in the War on Animals against us, we must fight back.

If a person keeps their ear to the floor, they can eventually hear what all of America is thinking, including the “I probably shouldn’t(s)” that are thought as well. Of course, if the ear is kept to a railroad track, a person can also hear a train coming. Some better than others.

-Antonella Barba: “Maybe I shouldn’t have made those racy photos seeing as how my dream is to have my face plastered all over billboards and cd covers, and not websites.”

-“John Doe”: “Seeing as how despite being a freely edited website/dictionary, it’s still null and void from lawsuits involving it, maybe I shouldn’t have made that derogatory entry about Fuzzy Zoeller. This totally sidetracks my plan to move out of Mom’s basement by another 10 years.”

-Antarctic scientists: “Aw crap. We found more creatures. We’re all dead.”

Hey, it pays to be optimistic.

In every war, there are turncoats. Sad to say, even the War on Animals has its traitors. You know them better as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). Their human-hating name says it all.

PETA, who as far as this blog is concerned is a terrorist group operating within U.S. borders, has launched their latest propaganda campiagn at fishinghurts.com. According to the name, fishing, much like love, hurts. But PETA’s argument is flawed. They build their case on the assumption people would not impale dogs. This blog says, in the War on Animals, BRING IT ON!

Key quote: “When it comes to feelings, a child is a dog is a fish.”

This blog doesn’t know if they are suggesting we provide public education for puppies and guppies, but it’s one hook we won’t bite.