The lions are coming

After a bit of a lull in animal aggression, it seems our enemies are back at it. Two mountain lions attacked a 70-year old man in California. The man had his 65-year old wife were out walking in a state park when he was attacked.

The man’s wife saved him by beating the lions with a log and stabbing them with a pen.

This blog salutes their bravery. It’s an ugly war, but it’s good to know we have the courage to stand up to the evildoers.

Ralph the Whale Shark update

After last week’s “accidental” death of Ralph the Whale Shark at the Georgia Aquarium, not everyone is convinced there was not foul play involved. Apparently they are doing tissue tests on samples taken from Ralph to determine the cause of death.

We need to eliminate these species traitors. The Georgia Aquarium is an underwater death camp and that’s the way it should stay. Bury Ralph at sea in a mass grave and let’s move on.

The ladies don’t like beer bellies

Think your life sucks? At least you’re not too fat to have sex like Chuang Chuang. Pandas are without a doubt one of the most neutral in the War on Animals. They rarely breed in captivity and their young die easily.

But if they can be too fat to mate, their lifestyles are far to decadent. This blog is calling for the War on Animals to extend to pandas–regardless of how cute they might be. Let’s teach them some humility.

Disease on the high seas

In the War on Animals, there are no rules. There are no front lines, either. Thankfully, there are death camps.

One such place is the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta. Last week, they euthanized a beluga whale. Today, a whale shark at the aquarium “got sick and died (wink, wink).” Don’t be afraid of admitting the truth, Georgia Aquarium. The Geneva Convention only applies to humans.

SG salutes the aquarium for taking down the whale population one disease-related death at a time.

(Insert Animal Here) on a Plane

You’ve heard of Snakes on a Plane, you may have even heard of Snakes on a Train, but one man from Vermont found something much more terrifying on his plane trip. He found himself in: Scorpions on a Plane! I smell a sequel.

This is just another example of how animals are able to get past airport security and attack us where we are at our most vulnerable. We need more stringent searches to prevent this from happening again.