Regretful decisions

If a person keeps their ear to the floor, they can eventually hear what all of America is thinking, including the “I probably shouldn’t(s)” that are thought as well. Of course, if the ear is kept to a railroad track, a person can also hear a train coming. Some better than others.

-Antonella Barba: “Maybe I shouldn’t have made those racy photos seeing as how my dream is to have my face plastered all over billboards and cd covers, and not websites.”

-“John Doe”: “Seeing as how despite being a freely edited website/dictionary, it’s still null and void from lawsuits involving it, maybe I shouldn’t have made that derogatory entry about Fuzzy Zoeller. This totally sidetracks my plan to move out of Mom’s basement by another 10 years.”

-Antarctic scientists: “Aw crap. We found more creatures. We’re all dead.”

Hey, it pays to be optimistic.

Shooting them in a barrel is more fun, anyway

In every war, there are turncoats. Sad to say, even the War on Animals has its traitors. You know them better as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). Their human-hating name says it all.

PETA, who as far as this blog is concerned is a terrorist group operating within U.S. borders, has launched their latest propaganda campiagn at fishinghurts.com. According to the name, fishing, much like love, hurts. But PETA’s argument is flawed. They build their case on the assumption people would not impale dogs. This blog says, in the War on Animals, BRING IT ON!

Key quote: “When it comes to feelings, a child is a dog is a fish.”

This blog doesn’t know if they are suggesting we provide public education for puppies and guppies, but it’s one hook we won’t bite.

Van Gogh’s best friend


For the dog owners out there: when you take your pet to the groomer and ask for a little off the top, be sure to specify exactly how much you want off.

In Seattle, a dog groomer accidentally cut the ear off a shih tzu, but who hasn’t? The groomer then super glued the ear back on to the dog, hoping the owner would never notice. When the owner gave little Jasmine a bath that evening, she was horrified when she found the ear floating in the tub.

I smell lawsuit against super glue for false advertising.

A truely frontless war

The War on Animals has taken what is called by many the most confusing turn of all. The U.S. Navy is about to deploy trained dolphins and sea lions to guard the nation’s shores from terrorists.

This means the military is actually enlisting the help of a sworn enemy in the war on terrorism. Can we really trust these dolphins and sea lions? Are they really the Benedict Arnolds of their respective species or will they turn against us the first chance they get?