N.J. city to scare off crows with awesome fireworks, laser show

The capital of New Jersey is under siege. It’s been going on all winter, and the city government is going to fight back. That’s bad news if you’re a crow.

Citizens of Trenton have complained about the 30,000 some odd crows that arrived this winter and show no signs of leaving. They’re loud in the morning, they crap everywhere, and worst of all, they’re animals. Starting today, the city is teaming up with the USDA to get the crows out of town. Let’s run down what they plan to use:

  • Pyrotechnics — Hell yeah, crows hate KISS concerts.
  • Lasers — Unclear on whether this goes along with the concert idea, or whether the lasers are more the “pew pew” variety.
  • Spotlights — Blind the little suckers. That’ll show ’em!
  • Recordings of crow distress calls — Not sure how fighting loud birds with recordings of loud birds solves anything, but go for it.
  • Crow effigies — They’re going to put fake crows up around town? Maybe they think that when the fake crows don’t respond to conversation they’ll get bored and leave. Or maybe they’ll burn the crow effigies. Eat it, crows!

It seems obvious to state that we are heartened to see one city getting tough on our animal foes. It’s time we take the fight to them.

Stuffed toy tiger in standoff with police

Law enforcement officers put their lives on the line every day to keep us safe, that includes keeping us safe from animals real and fake.

In Scotland, police responded to reports of a tiger in a cow barn. The property owner took a break from a party he was hosting to check on his cows at night and was shocked to see a tiger stretched out on the floor of the barn, looking quite comfortable. Authorities treated the situation quite seriously, as Scottish countryside is lousy with tigers.

A photograph of the beast was sent to police headquarters and confirmed as legit. Police officers on the scene stayed back from the barn and tried negotiating with the tiger, which refused to come out. After 45 minutes some brave officers got close enough to find that it was just a stuffed toy tiger.

No one knows how the stuffed tiger got into the barn, but it seems obvious that the animals are just testing our response times.

Foolish scientists teach orca to speak English

Researchers spend countless hours every year observing animals to try to understand how they communicate. And aside from a few bird owners, no one has bothered trying to teach animals how to talk like us. Until now.

Wikie the orca has learned how to imitate certain sounds, including the word “Hello.” Researchers say they taught the beast how to say a few different words to demonstrate the species’ mimicking abilities. Of course, they forgot that they were teaching English to freaking killer whales. Once they know what we’re saying, there’s no doubt they will use it against us. The only consolation we have is that Wikie lives in an aquarium in France, where her skills won’t be of much use.

The up side is that Wikie was also taught how to mimic fart noises incredibly well.

Donkey takes goats, sheep on the lamb in L.A.

Los Angeles has had a rough go of it lately. It’s had a drought, wild fires, mudslides and NCIS: Los Angeles. But things somehow got even worse for Angelenos when a pack of animals ran loose on the streets.

Authorities say a donkey led a herd of goats and sheep through the streets of an L.A. suburb late last week. The beasts refused to comply with lawful orders of police officers to go home. They even managed to evade the cops attempting to arrest them. Considering how friendly L.A. cops can be when arresting you, this shows quite a bit of defiance.

Eventually, police tracked down the owner of the animals, which it was found had escaped through an open gate. The owner helped herd the animals, which for some reason were not charged with a single crime.

The war goes lights-out

Spring is here, unless you live in Colorado. There, it’s January. But for the rest of us, the warmer weather has arrived, and that means the animals are launching their newest campaign against mankind. This time, they’re exploiting our dependence on electricity.

In Virginia, a squirrel decided to make thousands of people’s morning that much worse. The local utility says a squirrel damaged some power equipment in Newport News, Virginia and knocked out the power to 9,500, all before they even left for work. This means that a lot of people missed their alarms because of a stupid tree rodent. They’re clever.

A couple weeks ago, another rodent tried something even more dangerous in Japan. Remember the Fukushima Daiichi plant, the one that melted down after the huge earthquake and tsunami knocked it out? They’re still trying to keep the reactors for doing further damage, and all that was put at risk by a rat that climbed into a switchboard and knocked out power to the facility for three days. All the while, the pumps bringing in cold water to keep the reactors cool had no electricity.

These bastards are playing for keeps.

That’s the way the Biscuit crumbles

We've seen this sort of thing too many times. Thank goodness law enforcement was there to capture Biscuit at rock-bottom.
We’ve seen this sort of thing too many times. Thank goodness law enforcement was there to capture Biscuit at rock-bottom.

After two years of being shut in their homes, the residents of Franconia, Virginia can rest easy. Biscuit’s reign of terror is over.

The Shih Tzu and his 44 tick accomplices evaded authorities for two months, stealing cat food and loitering on porches. The fugitive dog also dug through household trash, and authorities still don’t know how many identities he stole to throw them off his scent.

It eventually took a posse of 14 animal control officers and deputized townspeople to surround Biscuit, which culminated in the climactic Pole-netting at the Beulah Street Leaf Pile.

Since capture, Biscuit has been shaved and processed into the custody of the Deepwood Veterinary Clinic in Centreville, after which he will be released into a halfway home to determine if he can be rehabilitated.

Drug-addicted dogs

Not a dog.
Not a dog.

We told you yesterday about the dangers of putting your pets on drugs, but how do you know that your pet wasn’t on drugs before you even met?

In Argentina, if you’re looking to buy a toy poodle, but don’t want to spend a lot, then maybe you’re going to have to make some sacrifices, like getting one that has a nasty addiction to steroids, or isn’t actually a poodle, or is actually a ferret that’s been pumped full of steroids to resemble a dog. Some vendors are reportedly selling “Brazilian rats,” which are ferrets pumped with steroids to grow larger, and apparent have some fancy grooming, to look like poodles–if you squint.

It might be best to just stop buying pets altogether. They are a drain on your resources and probably spying on you.

Talk to your pets about drugs before someone else does

A lot of people may think that Obamacare is bad, but treatment for animals may end up being far, far worse if veterinarian Doug Kramer gets his way.

He says that dogs should be allowed to have doses of marijuana, like they need to be high to chase their tails. Kramer said that he gave his dog weed when it was suffering from a terminal form of cancer, and in no time, she had a spring in her step and continued to enjoy her life, even if she did eat all of the Cheetos in the house.

What’s worse, he says cats and other animals could also see the benefits of marijuana. No thanks, Dr. Kramer. If our pets want to have drug habits, they can get a job and pay for it themselves.

And yet they can’t change ‘The Other White Meat?’

If you didn’t know, the pork industry isn’t doing so hot right now. Granted, it’s not in horrible shape, but even with the scares that plagued the beef/horse/guinea pig/unknown beef paste industry, it’s still not doing fantastically. And so, in order to raise pork sales, the National Pork Board and the Beef Checkoff Program did what any other multi-billion dollar industry does when faced with slumping sales.

They renamed the same exact products to sell at the same price. Some examples include:

  • Pork chops are now ribeye chops. Logic: How much for a rib? (Link NSFW)
  • Pork butt is now Boston roast. Logic: Boston is full of a-holes.
  • A beef under blade boneless steak will now become a Denver steak. Logic: At least it’s not Rocky Mountain Oysters.

Ducks threaten our manhood

The study of duck penises has been used as an example of wasteful government spending by conservatives. But researcher Patricia Brennan argues that criticism of the project is rooted in a lack of understanding about what they are doing.

She said that ducks have corkscrew-shaped penises that are fairly long. And their studies have also uncovered that behavior in males–wait, corkscrew-shaped? This is clearly a threat to male human men everywhere. We need to analyze this threat!

(via Brooke H.)