Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart, the more you eat them …
Posted on October 24, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Gentlemen rejoice! Your old-pizza smelling flatulence is now excused by saying it may help regulate your blood pressure. The study tested this theory on mice, which really kills two birds with one fart for SG. In order to continure the war, we need to study these creatures. The research showed that flatulence in mice actually lowered their blood pressure. So, now our new goal is to keep the mice from farting. If they stop farting, they build high blood pressure, which leads to an early death, and means they can’t hurt us/steal our cheese.
Written by Bryan SchoolsShoot on sight
Posted on October 24, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
It is well documented at this point that our animal foes, raccoons in particular, have no respect for the law. A burglar (we don’t have to say “suspected” because animals are not subject to traditional courts) broke into an 85-year old Texas woman’s home and police responded.
Upon finding out the burglar was a raccoon the police officer took out his Taser, and when the raccoon came after Officer Daniel Ek, he fired and shocked the crook. Unfortunately, the raccoon ran up the chimney with the Taser prongs in its back. Details aren’t very clear at this point, but it seems the raccoon has escaped justice–for now.
Our enemy’s disregard for our law enforcement, and much more shockingly, our little old ladies, is shocking. We must end the animals before they rise up against us.
Written by Bryan McBournieWhat are you thinking, India?
Posted on October 23, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
India had a gorilla. Only one gorilla. They know exactly where it is at all times and they have even been trying to fix her up for the past eight years. Nothing’s happened on that front.
Obviously, we say good job, matchmakers. We don’t need any more gorillas in this world, and certainly India is included in that. Gorillas are like nuclear (or “nukular,” for our Republican leadership readers) weapons. The more of them there are, the worse off everyone is. Yet India insists on proliferating apes of mass destruction.
India, don’t you have enough problems as it is? Your country is over populated, you’re in an arms race with Pakistan (aka Next On Our Invasion List), and your cities are already overrun with monkeys. Sounds to us like you have enough primate problems as it is.
Say, we know a nice date for your girl.
Written by Bryan McBournieIran terminates spy pigeons, Robert Rodriguez intrigued by concept
Posted on October 21, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
Maybe Iran isn’t so bad after all?
So, imagine this: you’re the head of a country. You’re really keen on getting your uranium. I mean, who isn’t, right? OK, so you’re just minding your own business, uranium-ing around when all of sudden, you’re being bombarded! Oh no! You’re being spied upon! By pigeons, no less! Quick, eradicate them! You have to. It’s a matter of national security! I mean, when you’re being spied upon by insidious pigeons with invisible strings, no cost is too great.
……
Hold on–”invisible strings”? OK, nevermind. Iran, you’re a bunch of dummies. Also, animals? Stop it. We don’t need you all to incite the human race into fighting each other, thank you very much.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWabbit season has been extended
Posted on October 16, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals, War on Education | Leave a Comment |
Animals. It seems as if not one day goes by where we’re not having to deal with our age old enemies in this eons long war. What lengths will they not go to? Legal battles? Zombies? Suicide attacks? Well, now they’re attempting yet a new focus in the war: they’re combining one war with another. Yes, they’ve now engaged in the war on education. How so?
Recently, a museum (you know, the things that are very good at educating the masses covertly) had to be closed after it was invaded. By rabbits. As in, the furry little things that go hop-hop-hop-copulate-hop-hop-hop-copulate-copulate-copulate-hop. In fact, the invasion was so bad that they museum will have to be closed from now until November 16. That’s a long time to put a stop to education, people!
“The current population is so large that it threatens to permanently damage the island’s sensitive vegetation, and poses a serious threat to other fauna species,”
No sense of respect. No sense of decency. They probably fornicated in the lobby. Have you no shame, animals?
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorThe dead hate the swimming
Posted on October 15, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals, Zombies | Leave a Comment |
Dear Britain:
You’re ever so jolly. Always showing a good show, we’re never really too sure if you’re on our side or not. I mean, you’re not still sore about that whole breaking away thing, right? Cool beans. I mean, America, or more specifically, The Guys, just want to help you out. Hey, did you know that the animals have crossed the pond and begun the war on you? I mean, the evidence is right there in front of you!
At one of your aquariums, the face of a ghost was found in a shark tank. That’s some utterly horrifying shite! I mean, think about it–if a ghost is there, then clearly it’s the ghost of a poor soul that was eaten by the sharks. Yeah, that’s right, the sharks are eating your people right under your noses. That’s horrible! What’s even worse are the only two possibilities that can arise if this isn’t stopped:
- The sharks will continue to eat people. This will not stop until the entire tank is filled with the disembodied ghost heads of people, at which point, no one in your country will ever get any sleep again due to the ghostly wailing that will constantly happen.
- The sharks, secret plants by their insidious animal overlords, have been infected with a virus akin to Solarium. As any fan of Max Brooks knows, this can only lead onto zombies, and eventually, World War Z. Since zombies are cannibalistic in nature, they’ll have no need to attack the animals (unless they’re of the Italios Fulcis species)-but they won’t hesitate to attack us. The animals can simply kick back and allow our forces to be depleted, then sweep in and kill us all.
Come, join with us Britain! Put aside your differences and work together with us to end this war! We need all the help we can get-and we’ll gladly have yours, guv’na.
Sincerely,
Chris “Chugs” Taylor
(Story courtesy of Adrienne)
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorCut for the good of the world
Posted on October 14, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
It is imperative that we all remember that the enemy is all around us, as are species traitors. However, unlike our animal enemies, human species traitors are willing to go to far more extremes than any rational animal would.
Take the case of Jennifer Thornburg, formerly just your average human being, Thornburg joined known terrorist group PETA. After that, her life took a turn for the worst. Presumably she started hanging out with the wrong crowd, and now she has officially changed her name to CutOutDissection.com (we don’t hyperlink to terrorists).
Obviously, the site is against dissecting animals, because cutting open a dead animal to learn more about how it works is far too painful for the recently passed animal, who just happens to be dead. Folks, we need to fight extremist like this. It is every American’s God-given right to hunt down, kill, dissect, eat, make into clothing, or stuff and keep as a trophy. More so, it is our right to fight an enemy that plots our destruction. High school biology students: pay no attention to the left-wing surrenderists, you’re doing a great job and we all support your sacrifice.
Written by Bryan McBournieCalling all warriors in the nation’s capital
Posted on October 13, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
It seems like it’s been a while since we have had any news on the whales/U.S. Navy battlefront. Today, we bring good tidings, the U.S. Supreme Court has agreed to hear the case of the United States v. Free Willy.
To catch everyone up, species traitors have claimed that the U.S. Navy’s sonar on its submarines confuses and kills whales. (That’s the whole point!) First, a federal judge ordered the Navy to stop using its sonar that could kill marine life. Then, a Circuit Court judge said they could use the sonar, screw the marine life, before taking it back and saying the sonar had to go.
Finally, we are reaching the court that understands us like no one else. Best yet, it’s the Highest Court in the Land, and it has a couple appointees from the pro-sonar Bush administration. They seem to be a bit confused right now, so let’s all head down there and picket the court until they deliver justice!
Written by Bryan McBournieGet your stinking paws off my food, you damn dirty ape!
Posted on October 10, 2008
Filed Under Tokyoh-no!, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
It’s no secret that the world is in economic turmoil. We humans know it, and so does our enemy. Because they see our weakness, they are now beginning to exploit it.
They are taking our jobs.
A Japanese restaurant (not a Benihana, a restaurant in Japan) has just hired two monkeys as waiters. Yes, we mean it. There are monkeys waiting tables in Japan. Now that your mind is blown, we’ll continue.
While some may find animals serving us as a good thing, if you dig deeper into the issue, you’ll find it is not a good thing at all. You see, these monkeys are taking our jobs, handling our food (possibly spitting in it) and they are getting paid for it. That means if you want to eat, your are funding terrorism, or at least animalism.
But the trouble doesn’t stop there, no. It goes right to the top. Who are these restaurant owners who think hiring the enemy is a good idea? Who are these species traitors? We have a solution for both the owners and the beasts.
Written by Bryan McBournieThey make better sandwiches than pets anyways
Posted on October 10, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
After receiving word from their penguin bretheren, it appears that all manner of sea-creatures are mobilizing an attack. A dolphin in Florida lept onto a boat and started violently thrashing, obviously trying to injure/kill anyone aboard. It appears as if the animals are strategically engineering their attacks along the coasts, our solution: nuke the seven seas and show these bastards how we really make fried fish.
Written by Bryan Schools « go back — keep looking »