Come get your paid python hunting trip to Miami

This is probably what hunting pythons looks like.

This is our chance, fellow warriors!

Florida is being overrun with pythons and they want civilians to kill them. So far the usual stuff isn’t working, so the South Florida Water Management District is considering paying people to patrol and hunt these bastards down. If the plan moves forward, you and your friends would only need to patrol Miami-Dade County, which means you could celebrate a hard day’s work in a Miami club every night. What’s even better, is that this would be an hourly gig, meaning that you don’t even need to find anything to get paid.

The pilot project would last only two months. But by then you would probably be looking to rotate back home after that long of a tour of duty. Here’s your chance to be on the front lines of the War on Animals. Don’t miss it!

Vegetarian attacks chicken truck, is veggie-fascism on the rise?

Vegetarians walk among us with impunity, because there is something deeply wrong with society. These are people who willingly gave up eating bacon cheeseburgers so that bacon and cheeseburgers wouldn’t be killed in their name. Sometimes they even break the law to help out animals.

In Georgia, a vegetarian woman told authorities that she hit a chicken truck simply because it was a truck carrying chickens. According to authorities, the 26-year-old woman had been drinking when she saw the chicken truck and drove into it with her own car, then hit it again for good measure. No one was injured, and the woman left the scene of the accident. She was tracked down because her license plate fell off at the scene of the crime. She was arrested and charged.

This incident highlights something this blog has been saying for years: vegetarians are dangerous and mean real harm to our democracy. They cannot be engaged in civil discussion because they push an ideology not based in reality, and they are frequently violent. We must challenge and shout down these alt-meat thugs.

Panda watch: Looks like pandas eat goats now

The internet would have us believe that pandas are cute, right up there with cats. But then again, the internet also tells us that we can collect our lottery prize money in Africa if we click here. A Chinese farmer has found proof that pandas live up to their classification as bears.

In southwestern China, farmers took video of a wild panda bear chowing down on a goat, which is surprising, because most goats aren’t made out of bamboo. The farmers say the grayscale beast climbed down from a tree and leaped upon the unsuspecting goat. The video they posted shows the panda munching on the body.

You know what else eats goats? T. rex.

Study: Cats not making crazy cat ladies crazy

Cats have long held us under their spell, and science has done a lot of important work trying to explain why. In recent years, researchers have linked a parasite from our feline friends to slowed reaction times and mental illness. And now none of that may actually be true.

According to researchers in the U.K., studies that have linked the parasite Toxoplasma gondii are flawed because they had a small sample size, or failed to account for other factors where exposure to the parasite was caused by having a cat in the house. Basically, they’re not saying cats do make you crazy via parasite, they just don’t have enough information to definitively say that having a cat increases your odds of exposure to T. gondii.

That sounds suspiciously like what a scientist whose brain is under the control of cats would conclude.

Texas in panic amidst “feral hog apocalypse”

As if living in Texas wasn’t bad enough, residents now have to be worried about feral pigs overrunning society as they know it. That’s not hyperbole, that’s the state government’s position.

The feral pig situation in Texas is so bad that state Agriculture Secretary Sid Miller cited concerns about a coming “feral hog apocalypse” as a reason to take drastic measures to fight off the swine. Miller approved the use of a pesticide to combat the exploding wild hog population. The decision has drawn criticism from hunters, but that’s probably because they want to see society collapse so they can live out their survivalist wet dreams.

And for the record, secretary, a pig-related end-of-the-world scenario is called an “aporkalypse.”

Woolly mammoth will return by 2019, researcher says

For years, science has been threatening us with unleashing one of our long-vanquished foes, the woolly mammoth. And luckily for humanity, it hasn’t happened yet, but it’ll be a reality by 2019.

At a conference this week, the leader of a team of  Harvard University researchers boasted that his people are just a couple years away from having a de-extinctified woolly mammoth. Much like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, the mammoth wouldn’t be 100% original parts, some of the genes would have to come from a similar creature. That creature in this case is an Asian elephant. So the thing that they make will actually be a hybrid.

We killed all the woolly mammoths thousands of years ago, and we’re pretty close to finishing off the elephant population. We need to step it up to ensure this abomination is never made.

Deer carries out Harrison Ford-style attack on passenger jet

As many East Coast travelers know, Charlotte-Douglas International Airport is an awful, awful place. It’s the busiest airport in North Carolina, so it’s fitting that it’s such a hole. But innocent travelers found their lives in danger when a deer attacked a plane during takeoff.

According to the FAA, a jet carrying 44 passengers headed to Mississippi was struck by a deer on the runway during takeoff yesterday. The plane made it into the air, but was damaged and leaking fuel. Fortunately, it was able to make an emergency landing a few minutes later, and no humans were harmed.

This is yet another reason why you should never fly to, from or through Charlotte. There are plenty of other airports you can gamble your life on.

Chemical colonization of Earth complete!

Look at ’em — getting all high and fat on our chemical brilliance. You’re welcome, Sebastian.

Congratulations, human beings! It only took us 10,000 years, but there is now no place on the face of the Earth that has not been changed by us! From garbage left on the highest summits of our mightiest mountains to now the deepest depths of the ocean, no place can escape our incredible reach. And we learned the latter because we’ve colonized the Mariana Trench with polychlorinated biphenyls.

Scientists discovered the PCBs in amphipods — shrimplike crustaceans —  brought back to the surface. Not only did we find our chemicals inside of them (free of charge), but at higher levels than in similar crustaceans found in polluted Chinese waters. So, we’re crushing it even harder as a species than we knew was even possible.

What’s even more exciting is that we didn’t even discover PCBs until 1865 or start using them until 1881. So, did we say 10,000 years? Because we meant 136, bee-yotch! The Industrial Revolution is still winning the War on Animals!

Now we just need to find life on another planet and beat that time!

Orange alligator signals apocalypse in South Carolina

Joining Vermont, South Carolina is a state reeling from reports of a new danger. People there are used to seeing alligators, but they are used to seeing them come in one color. Now there’s an orange gator on the loose.

Locals reported seeing an orange gator in a retention pond recently, and authorities are stumped. They know it’s not an albino, because it’s an adult gator and this is the first time anyone has reported it. After that, it’s just guesswork. The real problem is that the gator blends in with the color of the South Carolina clay, which means it’s even hard to see it before it strikes.

They’re calling it the Trumpagator. Be afraid.

Pig burns down cop’s home

The danger posed by animals is real, folks. It’s very, very real. We cannot caution you enough against trusting animals that you call pets, because no matter how much you love them, they want to destroy your life, including burning down your house.

In South Carolina, a sheriff’s deputy is now homeless because one of her animals torched her home when she was gone. The theory is that the deputy’s pig knocked over a heat lamp in an animal pen, setting a fire that spread to the house.

The pig survived the incident and has not been charged, but we believe it should go towards replenishing the nation’s pork belly supplies.