Category: War on Animals

| Filed under War on Animals

Orange alligator signals apocalypse in South Carolina

Joining Vermont, South Carolina is a state reeling from reports of a new danger. People there are used to seeing alligators, but they are used to seeing them come in one color. Now there’s an orange gator on the loose.

Locals reported seeing an orange gator in a retention pond recently, and authorities are stumped. They know it’s not an albino, because it’s an adult gator and this is the first time anyone has reported it. After that, it’s just guesswork. The real problem is that the gator blends in with the color of the South Carolina clay, which means it’s even hard to see it before it strikes.

They’re calling it the Trumpagator. Be afraid.

| Filed under War on Animals

Pig burns down cop’s home

The danger posed by animals is real, folks. It’s very, very real. We cannot caution you enough against trusting animals that you call pets, because no matter how much you love them, they want to destroy your life, including burning down your house.

In South Carolina, a sheriff’s deputy is now homeless because one of her animals torched her home when she was gone. The theory is that the deputy’s pig knocked over a heat lamp in an animal pen, setting a fire that spread to the house.

The pig survived the incident and has not been charged, but we believe it should go towards replenishing the nation’s pork belly supplies.

| Filed under War on Animals

Researchers use app for ape love, just in time for Valentine’s Day

When it comes to going soft in the War on Animals, the Dutch want to be the softest. The one-time enemies of nature (they made their own sea) have decided that humans aren’t the only apes that need help hooking up.

Researchers at a wildlife reserve have developed what many call the Tinder for orangutans and bonobos. The app they created shows the apes pictures of other apes doing various activities. The apes then push a button on the screen that best gauges their reaction to it, kind of like those BuzzFeed surveys you keep filling out.

Researchers say they have found that orangutans and bonobos have shown they read others’ emotion through physical actions, and now want to see if the apes will show a preference for certain mates.

| Filed under War on Animals

National Zoo’s shameful revolving door strikes nation’s capital

The only way to win the War on Animals is to make sure we don’t fight the same enemies over and over again. Once we put an enemy combatant in lock-down, then we had better make sure they stay there. And yet here we are, watching non-profit animal cuddlers trying to lure a fugitive bobcat back into its cell.

At 25-pounds, Ollie is considered a threat to small animals, low-flying birds and Italian restaurants.

Ollie, a 25-pound bobcat, escaped from the National Zoo sometime Monday morning and is wandering free through our nation’s capital. This tiger-adjacent predator has access to the very strip clubs that our legislators and lobbyists depend on for nightly glitter-coatings that are essential for effective policy-making.

And what’s the taxpayer-funded zookeepers’ plan? To offer up food until she moseys back into her pen: “‘We very much believe that she will want to come back to her habitat,’ [zoo official Brandie] Smith says.”

See? This is why we have to silence the national parks and other sciencey-types. If they’re not with us, they’re against us.

| Filed under War on Animals

Man framed by deer

Traffic court is not a place you want to be. It’s a huge time commitment and usually it’s over an amount of money that’s not worth it in the end. Regardless of whether you are innocent, it’s generally to be avoided. But what if police have the wrong guy?

In Massachusetts, claimed just such a thing over a speeding ticket. He told a judge that not was he not speeding when police pulled him over, but that the real offender wasn’t even human. In fact, a speeding deer that was to blame. The man claimed the police officer’s radar gun had actually caught the speed of a nearby deer, rather than his car.

The judge upheld the speeding ticket fine, and the deer remains at large.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

New thing to worry about: Cannibal hamsters

In the 1990s, we knew hamsters as things that danced in gifs. But today, things are much darker. Now the hamster populations of Europe are collapsing because the adults keep eating their young.

According to scientists, the reason for this isn’t that baby hamsters are so tasty, it’s because of corn, the devil’s grain. The theory is that many wild hamsters don’t get the diversity of food that they used to get. It’s less common for them to find roots, insects or different types of grains to snack on. Instead, all they eat is corn. Corn all day every day, thanks to modern farming practices. That means they don’t get many of the vitamins they need. Researchers found that hamster mothers with an all-corn diet ate 95% of their babies. The corn hamster moms would actually store their young with their corn supplies before eating them. So that’s sufficiently gruesome.

One other thing we learned, there are populations of wild hamsters in Europe, for now.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Nope. Nope nope nope nope.

Everyday Australians’ new struggle [reenacted to protect the squeamish].
Our thoughts and prayers go out to Australia, whose citizens will have to personally hand-catch deadly Sydney funnel web spiders if they don’t want deaths from bites to go back up. The Australian Reptile Park, a zoo that is the sole supplier of funnel web spider anti-venom, is unable to keep up with demand by catching and (eeeugh) milking their own spiders. [Warning: Reuters is supremely f*cked up — the first thing you will see on the page is a close up of one of the world’s grossest spiders up close and on-the-job.]

If the reptile park does not receive enough donated spiders, Australia stands to run short on anti-venom that has prevented every single death from bites since it was established in 1981.

So, while we stand on a chair in solidarity with you, mates, it sounds like you’re gonna have to go toe-to-tarsus (look it up) with these spiders, armed only with wooden spoons and glass jars. If it helps, try to channel the ancient Aussies that ate their way through all of your prehistoric nightmares.

Just don’t eat them. You’re almost out of anti-venom.

| Filed under War on Animals

Why are cows eating all our Skittles?

It’s always fun to read about a truck hauling food, beer or livestock spills, and the road is littered with the cargo. But this one is different, there’s a shocking twist that you won’t see coming if you didn’t read the headline.

In Wisconsin, a whole lot of red Skittles fell out of the back of a truck and caused a mess on a county highway. Authorities were able to clean up the scene, but an unusual detail emerged in the investigation: the Skittles were intended to be used as feed for cattle.

This doesn’t seem like the typical meal for a cow, and it’s not Halloween. Have cows secretly been eating Skittles and we didn’t know about it? Do the cows have a rider stipulating only red Skittles? Does Skittles-fed beef fetch a higher price at the butcher? The situation is so alarming that Mars, the maker of Skittles is investigating why their product was reportedly being used as cattle candy.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

Animal Warriors of the Week: Australians

Maybe this is why today’s Aussies are barely perturbed by a mere crocodile. Or why they never expected death from a stingray.

Longtime readers of SeriouslyGuys know that we’ve been at War on Animals since the founding days of this publication. Why? Because humans have always been at war with animals. And, it turns out that we’ve been winning it for the past 45,000 years in the least likely of places: Australia.

Despite being home of the deadliest animals on Earth — giant spiders, poisonous snakes, kangaroos, koalas with switchblades — things were even worse at one point in Australia. Like, “kangaroos weighing more than 1,000 pounds, 25-foot long lizards, 2,000-pound wombats, and many more huge creatures” worse. That is, until a group of new human arrivals to Oz said, “Crikey,” rolled up their sleeves and got to work eating anything larger than a can of Fosters.

And, to be sure, scientists ruled out “major changes in climate, vegetation or biomass burning.” What they couldn’t rule out? Evidence of eating cooked giant birds’ eggs in the remains of ancient cook fires — proving that you truly can’t make a civilization without cracking a few eggs.

So, good on ya, mates! Thank you for inventing both human dominance over god’s creatures great and small and the barbie!

| Filed under War on Animals

Parisians told to remain calm as wolves close in

Oh non! Les loups!

Our allies in France are in peril, but no one in the U.S. seems to want to do anything about it. In the suburbs of Paris, citizens are reporting the howling of wolves, and they are getting quite nervous.

After being nearly defeated around 1930, the wolves in France have made a comeback. They apparently made it around the Maginot Line and the grey-colored forces are moving on the French capital, making their way through the streets of outlying towns. The response from the French government is, amazingly, not immediate surrender, but it’s close. They are telling people not to worry about the encroaching wolves because “they only eat four-legged animals.” That’s effectively telling people not to be afraid of things that are there to eat them.

Paris hasn’t seen this sort of danger from wolves in 20 years. It’s time we stand with our allies in La Guerre Contre les Animaux before the whole country falls.