And yet they can’t change ‘The Other White Meat?’

If you didn’t know, the pork industry isn’t doing so hot right now. Granted, it’s not in horrible shape, but even with the scares that plagued the beef/horse/guinea pig/unknown beef paste industry, it’s still not doing fantastically. And so, in order to raise pork sales, the National Pork Board and the Beef Checkoff Program did what any other multi-billion dollar industry does when faced with slumping sales.

They renamed the same exact products to sell at the same price. Some examples include:

  • Pork chops are now ribeye chops. Logic: How much for a rib? (Link NSFW)
  • Pork butt is now Boston roast. Logic: Boston is full of a-holes.
  • A beef under blade boneless steak will now become a Denver steak. Logic: At least it’s not Rocky Mountain Oysters.

Ducks threaten our manhood

The study of duck penises has been used as an example of wasteful government spending by conservatives. But researcher Patricia Brennan argues that criticism of the project is rooted in a lack of understanding about what they are doing.

She said that ducks have corkscrew-shaped penises that are fairly long. And their studies have also uncovered that behavior in males–wait, corkscrew-shaped? This is clearly a threat to male human men everywhere. We need to analyze this threat!

(via Brooke H.)

Sea lions have terrible taste in music

The Bible tells us that animals have no souls, despite every pet owner in the world trying to humanize their pets with captions on Facebook. We just got further confirmation that they have no souls, and by “they,” we mean sea lions.

Researchers at the University of California-Santa Cruz have been conducting tests on their prisoners, conducting psychological warfare by playing terrible music. What they found is nothing short of shocking. Sea lions are able to bob their heads to the beat of a song they have heard before.

Further, when they hear a new song, a Backstreet Boys song, they are able to bob their heads to that as well. Which means that sea lions like the Backstreet Boys. Not even our interrogation tactics work against them!

British PM fails to drown sheep

Only farmer Julian Tustian was happy to see that British PM Cameron failed to kill Swampy. (Why do sheep farmers wear camouflage? Ewe don't want to know.)
Only farmer Julian Tustian was happy to see that British PM Cameron failed to kill Swampy. (Why do sheep farmers wear camouflage? Ewe don’t want to know.)

Politically, it seems that British Prime Minister David Cameron can’t do anything right. His economy sucks and his poll numbers are sinking fast. And now? He can’t drown a sheep, not even with the help of two police bodyguards and Grade A swamp mud.

‘When I got there, David (Cameron) was in the swamp, waist-deep in mud, along with the two police,’ farmer Julian Tustian told the Daily Telegraph. ‘He was brilliant, pulling, pushing and shoving. He was covered in mud, he looked a mess.’

Nevertheless, the sheep got free and will live as a constant reminder of Cameron’s failure to drown nature’s third dumbest mammal. (The first two are ibexes and guinea pigs.) Until the U.K. repairs this leadership vacuum, the U.S. will not be able to trust them as an ally in the War on Animals, no matter how many critters they bake into pies.

Animals take a back seat in Illinois

Illinois has a lot of problems these days. For one thing, it’s got Chicago, with one of the highest murder rates in the country, not counting the slow murders brought on by deep-dish-pizza purveyors. But luckily, state legislators are ready to address one of the biggest issues facing the state: animals in cars.

A bill in the Illinois legislature would make it illegal for people to drive with their dogs on their laps. Not only is this a clear sign that the state is littered with those people, it’s a sign that the state lawmakers are ready to recognize the threat pets pose in the car.

We all know that dogs pretend to be our friends, acting stupid, all the while observing us and taking notes to take back to their leaders. This includes how to drive. Once the animals figure out how these machines work, they will be able to avoid the cars more effectively, cause them to crash more easily, and, dare we say it, learn to operate the motor vehicles themselves.

Animals willfully ignorant of difference between inside and outside

The Guys don’t like animals. Maybe we’ve been subtle about that, maybe not so much. Regardless, like a car stuck on a highway full of tractor-trailers, we (and the rest of the human race) are cautiously respectful of the boundary between inside and outside. We don’t necessarily freely give up the outside, but the animal kingdom has its realm, and we have ours. The animal kingdom, sadly, has chosen to break this unspoken agreement.

In Fort Worth, Texas, patrons of a hotel were besieged by an invasion force of bees. Inexplicably deciding to put up shop at the Budget Suites, a swarm of the stinging monsters hovered just outside of the windows, menacing guests.

And in Monrovia, California, a man was terrorized by a pair of bears. Yes, those bastards decided to get up to their old antics again. Justin Lee went into his home only to find the furry beasts gouging themselves on his hard-earned food. A heroic combination of police and animal control officers were able to send the creatures running through the power of bean bag shots. It’s a temporary solution, but we’re always down for a more … permanent solution.

Game of Thrones cosplayers one step closer to living their dream

Over the past two years, Game of Thrones mania has swept the nation, potentially the world. People left and right are caught up in the drama involving House Stark, politics, intrigue and dirty, dirty sex. Now some crazy people in Oregon have decided to take the obsession with the show one step further: the dire wolf is coming.

Lois Schwarz, of the Schwarz Kennels in White City, Oregon, and founder of The Dire Wolf Project, is attempting to breed the extinct species in order to have as a pet. Well, sort of. The theory is to bring back the aesthetics and looks of the dire wolf somehow in a domesticated companion dog breed. Why? A few reasons: as mentioned earlier, the dire wolf is extinct, it’s illegal to keep the modern gray wolf as a pet and a nerd is quickly parted with a lot of money (these beasts won’t come cheap).

People, perhaps you haven’t paid too much attention to the show or the books, but the dire wolves featured are very large, very scary and very dangerous. Bringing them back is not just a bad idea, it’s a … dire idea. [God, that was horrible, and SeriouslyGuys is ashamed that I wrote it.]

Cosplayers, don’t support this. Stick with the basics to support your costuming purposes: a paper mache dragon (that can be easily lost), a flaming sword, leeches and a missing ear.

Flaming snakes aren’t covered under your policy

With spring approaching, we’re sure to see more animals come out from their winter quarters and resume their attacks on mankind. However, it’s important to note that you should not set animals on fire, no matter how much they are asking for it.

Not only is it a likely violation of the Geneva Convention, but it can be a serious risk for you, as well. In Texas, an unnamed homeowner (crackerjack reporting job, guys!) found a snake in his or her lawn, and decided to cleanse the beast with fire. The person dumped gasoline on the snake and set it on fire, but the serpent had its revenge, by slithering to the house and setting it ablaze.

The house was a total loss.

Groundhog? Don’t mind if we do

Al Roker sharted in his pants at the prospect of a meteorologist receiving the death penalty for erroneous weather forecasting.
Al Roker pooped his pants at the prospect of a meteorologist receiving the death penalty for erroneous weather forecasting.

After failing to see his shadow this February, Punxsutawney Phil may soon see his life flash before his eyes. Mike Gmoser, the prosecutor in southwestern Ohio’s Butler County, filed an indictment against the fake weather psychic, alleging that “Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early.”

And does Ohio take fraud seriously? You bet your hamster. The penalty for misrepresenting spring is a felony, punishable by death.

Really, it’s about time. When the rodent correctly predicted the end of winter, he should have been tried for witchcraft. And now that his power’s gone, he is at the mercy of the U.S.’s 10th worst state. See? This is why you don’t make deals with the devil.

Beavers save town, but we’re still wary

It appears that a beaver dam has saved the people of Willard, Utah the hassle of drinking water fortified with diesel fuel. Yes, the animals did something helpful for once.

In what has to be a preparation for a larger attack, beavers are being praised for helping to contain a diesel fuel leak in nearby Willard Bay. The cleanup of the spill is still ongoing. The only other possible reason this happened is that the beavers has no idea that a pipeline was going to leak, and were actually just trying to cut off the town’s water supply.