A Cincinnati suburb is on edge, as residents say there are monkeys in the trees.
Locals have reported seeing monkeys around town in Lebanon, Ohio. Sometimes they’re hanging out in the trees, sometimes they’re in peoples’ yards, they have also been spotted rocking out to someone’s music. The current theory is that the monkeys were pets that escaped and have been doing their own thing ever since.
Some residents seem remarkably chill about having dangerous animals roaming freely in their town. At some point, these monkeys are going to team up with squirrels, and then the chaos will really start.
Such a shift would no doubt delight business owners everywhere. There’s no law that says you have to pay animals for their work. You don’t really have to provide them health care coverage, either. And bird seed costs less than keeping the lights, water and heat running in an office setting. Think of the savings.
Rats are just about the worst thing on the planet. They are big, ugly things that get into everything and can’t really be stopped. Plus, they carry diseases, like that time they killed a third of Europe with the plague. So good luck, everyone, we have new species of rat, and it’s huge.
Australia is a downright terrifying place to outsiders. Pretty much every animal native to the continent looks like it’s a xenomorph, can kill you in a matter of seconds, or is a koala. That’s why it’s hilarious when our cute pets go over there and wreak havoc on their ecosystems. The latest threat: goldfish.
It looks like Western Australia is under siege by the cute little fish you win at the fair. Wildlife authorities are asking people not to flush their goldfish (assuming here that they mean living goldfish) because they are growing big and taking over waterways. Normally, goldfish live in freshwater, but they are somehow finding a way to survive in saltier bodies of water and threaten native plants and wildlife. The worry is that these salt-resistant goldfish are going to expand into other waterways and become a real problem.
So perhaps we shouldn’t be as scared of Australian wildlife as we are. Or maybe we need to be more afraid of stupid, puffy goldfish.
The recent hurricanes have done a lot of damage to Texas, Florida and the Caribbean. Many might say that it has shown the goodness in people, and that is the only good thing to come from these tragedies. That is a falsehood. They also killed an ugly monster for us.
A couple weeks ago, Hurricane Harvey battered coastal Texas in a way not seen since the Comanche Great Raid of 1840 (historical reference!). Houston was devastated, and folks are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. But at least they don’t have to worry about a monster lurking in the waters.
A woman found this monstrosity lying on the beach in Texas. Mercifully, it was dead. Now, she’s hoping someone can tell her what the hell it is. As you can see above, it’s long, ugly and has teeth. It kind of resembles a xenomorph. We can thank Harvey for killing this beast and making the Gulf of Mexico safe for us.
Unless this monster has a family swimming around out there.
Thanks to Hurricane Harvey, Houston is largely underwater. (And the rest of us have to deal with that alliteration.) A few people have died, but pretty much everyone there has had their life disrupted in a way that may not be reparable. And it gets worse.
Now HoustonitesHoustonians Hueguenots citizens of Houston have to deal with another threat: floating bands of fire ants that are pissed off about their situation. The ants form into giant balls that float on the floodwaters as a means of survival. That’s correct, not even historic flood levels will kill these bastards. So anyone forced to trudge through the water, aside from worrying about getting swept away, has to watch out for the ants, because if they are disturbed, they will attack, and they are called fire ants for a reason.
So if you can’t donate money, or send old clothes, send these poor people some ant spray.
Back when fire departments first became a thing, firefighters would loot the houses as they tried to keep them from burning down. Today, firefighters just settle for a small paycheck and an excuse to wear a mustache. One woman whose property was save by firefighters decided to give back.
In England, a woman’s piglets and sows were saved from a barn fire by her local fire department several months ago, and she promised to repay them someday. That day has come. The woman held a barbecue for the local fire department, serving sausages made from the very pigs that they had saved.
So really, the pigs were only saved from the flames for a few months–until they would be tastier. This is a great policy, as long as they don’t apply it to saving children.
Take this weekend to prepare for the animal uprising. You will thank us later.
The solar eclipse that’s going to streak across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina on Monday is going to be quite a spectacle, but it may also be the sign for the animals to unite and attack us. Experts warn that the sun being blotted out by the moon could mess up some animals. From your pets to wild animals, especially ones that only come out at night, will probably start acting strange because it’s suddenly not day for a bit. Llamas line up, dolphins hang out on the ocean surface, dogs and cats living together — mass hysteria!
Because of this, it seems pretty likely that animals across the continent will take the eclipse as a sign to begin the revolution. Arm yourselves.
It may be summer right now, but when the cold winter nights come back, what’s better than a good drink to warm you up inside? Researchers say that goldfish do the same thing.
According to scientists, goldfish and their wild cousins the crucian carp, have the ability produce their own alcohol, which allows them to survive in winter conditions. The fish can’t get rid of lactic acid in oxygen-free water because they can’t breathe. Instead, they convert the lactic acid into ethanol, and they can go for months like this.
The researchers found that the fish have pretty high blood alcohol content levels–so much so that they wouldn’t be allowed to drive in most countries. So remember, do not let your goldfish drive, no matter how much it begs.