Australia is known to have a fair amount of sharks off its coast. In response, Aussies have build a series of ocean pools, which allow them to enjoy seawater, without all the fun stuff like waves, filtration and freedom from shark attacks. But when human territory is invaded, animals must be put in their place.
In an ocean pool in Sydney, people sat along the side of the pool watching a shark swim around. Finally, Melissa Hatheier stolled over to the shark, picked it up, and threw it back into the ocean. Her daring move saved the day for all, and was captured on video. She is now being hailed as a hero, as well she should be.
Let’s remember that in Australia, pretty much everything is trying to kill you, so the people there are just heartier than you’d find anywhere else. Especially the women, it seems.
Longtime readers of SeriouslyGuys know that we’ve been at War on Animals since the founding days of this publication. Why? Because humans have always been at war with animals. And, it turns out that we’ve been winning it for the past 45,000 years in the least likely of places: Australia.
Despite being home of the deadliest animals on Earth — giant spiders, poisonous snakes, kangaroos, koalas with switchblades — things were even worse at one point in Australia. Like, “kangaroos weighing more than 1,000 pounds, 25-foot long lizards, 2,000-pound wombats, and many more huge creatures” worse. That is, until a group of new human arrivals to Oz said, “Crikey,” rolled up their sleeves and got to work eating anything larger than a can of Fosters.
And, to be sure, scientists ruled out “major changes in climate, vegetation or biomass burning.” What they couldn’t rule out? Evidence of eating cooked giant birds’ eggs in the remains of ancient cook fires — proving that you truly can’t make a civilization without cracking a few eggs.
So, good on ya, mates! Thank you for inventing both human dominance over god’s creatures great and small and the barbie!
Governments used to do great things. Build great walls. Shoot type-A people to the moon. Cut down entire rainforests through a little chemistry and economic inferiority complexes. And just when it seemed like those days would never come back, a little island nation on the completely other side of the world dares dream of killing every rat, weasel and feral cat on its soil.
New Zealand’s Prime Minister, John Key, unveiled an ambitious plan to eradicate every invasive predator that waves of arrivals from England and other points north introduced in the great immigration push to one day make a live-action adaptation of The Lord of the Rings.
Key’s plan is inspiring because he’s not going after an easy-to-hate species like mosquitoes. No, unlike Bill Gates, he’s not a fair-weather animal warrior. He wants $2.3 billion to kill adorable mammals, including feral cats. Braving the Internet’s wrath is not an accomplishment to take lightly; that’s motherf*ckin’ leadership.
Of course, he has his critics. But the only ones that The Guys take seriously are the ones saying Keys needs $20 billion. We presume this is to build the world’s largest tree-shredder and fund a rodent buy-back program.
So, in the Kiwis’ words, good on ya, Prime Minister! You’re our Warrior of the Week.
Animal Warriors, line up! We have a new hero to induct into the SeriouslyGuys War on Animals Wall of Fame.
Chase Dellwo was minding his own business (the business of killing elk with a g*ddamn crossbow, that is), when he stumbled onto a grizzly bear. The bear attacked and, while pinned down, Dellwo did the exact opposite the rest of us would do (kick it in the nuts, duh): he dove armfirst into the bear’s open mouth. This either triggered the bear’s gag reflex, homophobia or both, and the bear backed off.
Chase Dellwo, for your innovative thinking and willingness to grab a grizzly bear by the uvula, we declare you the SeriouslyGuys War on Animals Warrior of the Week. Just, uh, be aware that triggering a bear’s gag reflex might not work in Provincetown, OK?
You know, we probably don’t give enough credit to ants. Oh, sure, they’re incredibly easy to kill. Crush them, smoosh them, they’re nothing to us. Except, there’s never just one ant, there’s always at least two around. Ants are quite literally quantity over quality.
That’s why Dan Garza might be more of a hero than we think. The California Highway Patrol officer was just doing his job when he answered a call on an interstate. A traveler asked him for a little help with a blown-out tire, there was nothing to it. And then the ants struck.
While kneeling, the motorist had been bitten a ton of times by fire ants, and as such, had an allergic reaction. Garza proceeded to keep the motorist alive with a oxygen mask until paramedics came by. The officer is now being honored for saving the man’s life. Presumably he’ll also be honored for eradicating the insectoid offenders.
Do you hear that, animals? That is the sound of the tide roaring! When but one of our human children, barely a stripling, but a mighty lad Adam Satter be, has conquered, tame and taken one of your mightiest warriors, know that your days are numbered!
In the Jupiter Farms area of Florida, mosquitoes have typically been a major threat to the good people of the land. But no longer: Barbara Glaff has a plan. Glaff has installed a place for bats to live in. But they don’t live for free. No, they are our enemies, and as such they must earn their keep.
Their monthly rent is to eat the mosquitoes, technically their allies in the war against us. Genius! The bats have nearly eliminated the mosquitoes from the local ecosystem, thus making the land suitable for humans once more. Huzzah!
Over the past two decades or so, fire ants have climbed up the charts as one of the newest but most potent threats to mankind. They’re vicious, tenacious, thrive almost everywhere and don’t take no for an answer. They’re basically the Ben Roethlisberger of the animal kingdom (sorry, we had to see if Bryan Schools was awake).
But one valiant man is trying to turn the tables.
Tradd Cotter, a scientist out of Liberty, South Carolina, has begun using a specific mushroom spore that’s fatal to the red menace of the 90’s. Not only that, but consumption of the mushroom is totally safe to humans. Sooner, rather than later, Cotter expects the mushroom to be sold everywhere as a cost-effective ant-killer. Mind you, this is essentially how The Last of Us begins, but, hey, at least we get to look gruff and cool even if we haven’t showered in months.
Welcome to the marine version of Normandy, also known as Boynton Beach. While Florida is not always known for the best of, well, anything, this town might have finally made a turning point, and all thanks to a youngster.
Adam Fisk was casually kayaking in the water, as … 22 year olds (?) … Floridians (?) … kayakers (?) are known to do, when a hammerhead shark appeared. While not as cutthroat a shark as the Great White or the Tiger, it’s still a monster of the waters. We’re not saying that Adam should have feared the monster, but caution should’ve probably been put into effect.
Fisk would have none of that. With a clever mind, he manipulated the beast into latching onto his fishing bait. But it gets better. He then maneuvered the shark into towing him for 8 miles. Manipulation? Gaining ground? Adam Fisk, you are most certainly our Warrior of the Week.