Humans pretend to understand, like abstract art since Neolithic

Finally, archaeological evidence of the parallel DuckTales universe. (♩ Woo-oo! ♪)

Whenever modern art enters discussion (like you, The Guys keep up very erudite circles), there will inevitably be a few dissenters who cannot stand the abstract. While much can be expressed outside of recognizable shape and form, you can’t help but wonder if it’s making fun of you. And then, when you see the price tag on an over-sized mobile made of garbage, then you’re sure it is.

But, a new exhibit at the National Archaeological Museum in Athens, Greece proves that we’ve struggled with — and yet insisted on — finding meaning in abstract modern art for the past 7,000 years. They are displaying a Neolithic sculpture tantalizingly titled the “7,000-year-old enigma.” What is it?

Carved out of granite, the 36 cm (14 inches) “enigma” statuette of the late Neolithic era has a pointed nose and long neck leading to a markedly round belly, flat back and cylindrical stumpy legs.

Great. But, what is it?

‘It could depict a human-like figure with a bird-like face, or a bird-like entity which has nothing to do with man but with the ideology and symbolism of the Neolithic society,’ Katya Manteli, an archaeologist with the museum, told Reuters.

OK, but is it a boy or a girl duck … thing?

More puzzling still is the lack of clear indication of sex. Is it due to technical sculpting limitations? Or did the sculptor intend to create an asexual figure. […] ‘Yes, it could be a pregnant figure but there are no breasts, used in Neolithic times to depict the female body. On the other hand it lacks male organs so it is presented as an asexual figure,’ Manteli said.”

But which bathroom does it use?! Very important legislators in the U.S. need to know before passing anti-trans laws and eliminating the National Endowment for the Arts.

‘There are enigmatic aspects to it which make it charming.’

Well, there we go. The perfect term to describe any thing that is noteworthy but otherwise indescribable: it’s charming. This proves once and for all that art has always existed to shamefully infuriate us.

Modern art: a 7,000-years-old tradition of shaming us into paying for museums.

The book judging singularity has begun

Arguably, one of the greatest traits that humanity has over artificial intelligence is the ability to silently (or even overtly) judge one another.

Over and over. Always judging. Always. Mercilessly and tirelessly. Always.

Anyways, science has decided to once again throw in the flag against robots (and literacy) and give the ability to judge to us. Moore, a digital company, has created book jackets that will only open a book if the reader is showing no judgement whatsoever. A camera and facial recognition system will read the audience’s face if the face shows a neutral expression. Meaning, the audience can’t be cynical or mad, but they also can’t be overly happy. It’s sure to be a big hit in Sweden.

The next weapon in the war: passive-aggressive groans and grunts.

Australian education victim of tomfoolery, still gives the right information

This year, Year 12 students taking the Australian VCE history exam were told that robots were an integral part of the Russian Revolution. The Russian Revolution of 1917.

It would appear that this incorrect, as the source of this integral information appears to have come not from the annals of history, but a Google Image Search.

Or is it? Oh sure, we say that it’s highly farfetched that powerful robots were around in the early part of the 20th century and able to turn the tide of the October Revolution, but think about it. If we’ve learned anything from the documentary series about Skynet, it’s that robots easily have the ability to be sent back in time. Not only that, but we also know, once again thanks to the aforementioned documentary series, that robots can be reprogrammed for our personal use, but can be destroyed. With those pieces of information, is it really outlandish to think that the painting is not a Photoshop, but an accurate retelling of history and war? I think not.

Problem stuffed back into its shell

Last year, Giant African snails invaded the area where we all wish we could take our talents, Miami.

Within four months, our brave soldiers were able to create a stop-gap that captured over 37,000 of the invaders.

Perhaps you don’t think this was that big of a problem. Allow me to illustrate the severity of this issue with one more factoid: Now, half a year later, our battle has yielded more than 40,000 of their shell-bound warriors. That’s approximately four times the (marketed) size of the student body when I attended college (my freshman year). To put it into perspective, that’s potentially the amount of people that were taken over by the body snatchers in the Donald Sutherland version!

Except, Giant African snails are molluscs, not plant-pod-aliens. And they don’t swap places with people (that we know of). Despite that, it would totally have been the same thing, believe you me.

We can see your panties

3,000 pairs of women’s underpants have been recovered from four spots along the highway in Ohio, at least one pile of 1,600 in Fairfield County alone.  Police report that the panties are loose and are both new and used. They also appear to be of the “local discount and grocery stores” variety, not the racy stuff your mom buys.

Other than those details, authorities are stumped. The Guys have put together a couple of theories:

  1. Aliens! You’ve heard of Stonehenge. This is Mingehenge. And if any of the underpants were made of corduroy, then this could have been the beginning of the NASCAR Lines.
  2. Artists! Mountains of unglamorous dollar store granny-panties discarded along the highways and biways of middle America — the interpretations are limitless.
  3. Animals! Prairie critters are attempting to infiltrate the Heartland, one leg at a time — just like the rest of us.
  4. The Japanese! The used ones fit their M.O. Not sure where the new ones come in, though. Perhaps we interrupted them before they could finish?

We will dispatch our own Bryan McBournie to Ohio this weekend to investigate.

Sacré poo!

Warrior Readers, The Guys have done you a disservice all these years. We’ve warned you about animals, aliens, robots and education, but we overlooked one of the gravest threats to humanity: the humanities. Namely: art.

We’re not sure how we missed it. Maybe it’s because those artist types are so non-threatening with their berets and soul patches. But, make no mistake: given the chance, an artist will submerge your family, friends and divine creator into his own urine.

Fortunately, the French have shown us how to fight back. They have seen Andres Serrano’s Piss Christ and–in response–gotten more done in mere days than what U.S. Republicans have attempted for the past 22 years.