Category: War on Robots

| Posted in Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, War on Robots

It only takes one triple word score to initiate WW3

People, we’re warning you now: we are the precipice of the fall of man. Students at Carnegie Mellon University have created a robot that plays Scrabble, and it will be the end of us all.

Victor the cybernetic mistake robot  has been programmed to play Scrabble, but only at an average level. The thought is that if Victor plays too well, then no one will want to play again.

Except, well, there’s one part of Victor that we should point out:

“When he’s losing, he’s cranky, and when he’s cranky, he’s very sarcastic and trash talks a lot,” says Professor Simmons.

We are only one temper tantrum away from nukes being launched. Shut. It. Down.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals, War on Robots

Robot jellyfish are a thing now

What is it with researchers and jellyfish? Why can’t they just leave those things alone?

First, they started making larger jellyfish by feeding them peanut butter, now, they’re making artificial jellyfish. And of course they’re not small. Scientists at Virginia Tech have created a six-foot-long, 170-pound robot jellyfish. There’s no clear reason for it at this point, but the research funding is coming from the federal government. Specifically, the military.

Great. So we’re creating robojellies that will be weaponized at some point and almost certainly become sentient in our lifetimes.

| Posted in War on Animals, War on Robots

Attack of the cyborg roaches

Roaches are bad, but they are easily taken care of. Robot roaches? That’s a different story.

Scientists in Japan are putting batteries on roaches in an effort to control them. Their plan is that by creating cyborg bugs they can check radiation and air quality levels, helping to keep cities clean.

Or they’re just failing to see that they are creating the perfect instrument to bring down all of mankind.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Behold, the age of robosperm

We live in a world where robots can clean floors, build cars and call you with exciting offers. Now, you can even get a robot to impregnate your woman for you.

Scientists in Germany (of course) have combined nanotubes, which are small tubes, with sperm, creating a biobot. The purpose of this is to control the sperm through magnetic fields. You know you’ve always wanted to have a kid that looks like Robocop.

| Posted in Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, War on Robots

When life gives you urine, make robots

"Low ... power ... Need .. more ... urrrrrrrr ..."
“Low … power … Need .. more … urrrrrrrr …

If it weren’t for urine, life would certainly suck for the Bristol Robotics Laboratory.

We should explain that.

The lab originally developed the EcoBot, which runs on the corpses of insects that it traps. This seemed like a practical idea … to anyone who hasn’t wasted $6 on a Venus Flytrap, only to see it dead in a week. There just aren’t enough flies to keep it running, not even if you design the robot’s collection nozzle or whatever to look like the eye of one of those starving kids from the Sally Struthers ads.

(Tangent: What happened to those kids? Were they fed to the Sarah McLachlan dogs, or are they all working tech support now?)

So, they developed an alternate fuel after what we assume was a very fun night out on the town: urine. Not just urine, but urine pumped through an artificial heart. And all it took was one scientist saying he had to pee so bad that his blood smelled like lager and asparagus. We assume, anyway.


Special thanks to Patrick H. for bringing this to our attention!

| Posted in Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, War on Robots

Why, science?! WHY?!

"What are you screaming for? We taught him to do that while you were in the bathroom."
“What are you screaming for? We taught him to do that while you were in the bathroom.”

According to NBC News, “Robots can learn to hold knives — and not stab humans.” The Guys have only one word to respond to today’s Headline of the Day: unlikely.

What? You had a stronger word? It’s plausible that robots might not stab humans just because they’re holding knives. They could merely slice, eviscerate, decapitate, or puncture humans.

Cornell University robot developers devised a new training method that simplifies the robot training process so that you don’t need 10 advanced degrees to tell Data that you prefer your sandwiches cut diagonally, not straight across. Among the sample tasks was teaching a cashier robot not to stab people with the knives it was ringing up.

And you know what the next step will be: putting all those human cashiers out of work who can’t ring up a Ginsu without tempering the blade in customer guts. To which we say, those sociopaths have to eat, too, Cornell, and you just dook deir jorbs.

| Posted in Sex Sells, War on Robots

Please do not fondle the robot

If you’re going to an art expo in northeast China, one of the most interesting items is no longer on display.

A female robot intended to serve as a tour guide at the Jinzhou World Garden Art Expo has to be removed, because the tourists couldn’t keep their hands off of her. Visitors were so curious about what was under the robot’s clothes that officials decided to take it out of commission.

Once again, being attractive can hurt your career.

| Posted in War on Animals, War on Robots

Apple early adopters annoy pets, too

"Hello. Yes this is dog. I can't discuss the attack plans on this line. Call my master's cell."
“Hello. Yes, this is dog. I can’t discuss the attack plan on this line. Call my master’s cell.”

The iPhone 5s has only been on sale for three days, and reviews are already in: the people who pre-order or wait in line for new iPhones are kind of sad. Also, they harbor the enemy: animals.

The new phone comes with a new fingerprint recognition system used to unlock the phone and authorize purchases. And you can add other authorized users by scanning their fingerprints into your phone. At least two people — which, in the news, is an epidemic (see: “buttchugging” or “bird flu”) — have added their pets’ pawprints after discovering that this totally works, you guys.

While it’s adorable to use your chihuahua to unlock your phone for now, it’s not going to be so funny when animals join forces with Siri and win the Wars on Animals and Robots.

| Posted in Booze News, War on Robots

Airlifting beer to the thirsty

This is how the end begins, and of all places, the beginning of the end began in South Africa.

At the Oppikoppi music festival in there (where it’s winter, by the way), if you need a good stiff drink, all you need do is download an app and place your order. From there, your location is found, and a drone, we presume unarmed, drops you a beer in a parachute.

Folks, this is dangerous. If we start depending on robots for our drinks, we’ll soon forget how to make them or order them ourselves. We’ll come to depend on them for our beer, and then more and more. Before too long, they will be deciding if we have earned a beer.

Also, beer on a parachute in a crowd? We all know hand-eye coordination goes after you have a few–assuming you’re tall enough to reach over the other freeloaders in the first place.