We’ve all known about the U.S. Navy’s trained dolphins, sea lions and other animals. Now it looks like they are finally moving away from arming our animal foes. That’s the good news. The bad news is that they are building robots instead.
The Navy’s Office of Naval Research is developing a remote controlled robot that looks like a tuna. They want to use it to spy on enemy harbors, but most likely not to be used to collect information on other tuna, which seems like the best use.
Then, of course, there’s also the risk of the robo-fish becoming self-aware, and turning on us. The last thing we need in the War on Animals is a double-agent tuna.
Are you located in South Korea? Are you a diehard fan of the Hanwha Eagles? Do you love them, despite their less than stellar record over the years?
Your relevancy has now been made redundant.
In order to market support for the team via the fans, the baseball team has installed a special section in their stadium devoted solely to robots. Because, you know, separate but equal is something that clearly always works as a concept and should never be frowned upon. Fans will be able to upload a snapshot of their face and messages of goodwill and support that can be displayed on the screens of the robots and this is something that can no way end in pictures of genitalia and sexts being uploaded.
Japan’s population is shrinking. It’s one of the few countries that can say this. While they are doing their part to avoid overpopulating the world, it’s also a bad thing, because someone needs to take care of all the old people.
So Japanese researchers came up with a very Japanese way to solve the problem: more robots. They said in a white paper that robots could even be applied to agriculture and construction jobs, because everyone wants robots in charge or your food or making cat calls at you when you walk by.
Does Japan ever have good ideas?
As we all know from the time-displaced documentaries that are The Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, a nuclear assault will be launched at us via the robots. There will be a flash and then a significant amount of children swinging on swing sets will be turned into skeletons.
But what if we changed the future – but not enough? What if now the robots don’t use a nuclear assault on us, but another approach? Perhaps, say, a viral assault? Maybe germ warfare?
Because that sure as heck seems like what is about to happen in Passavant Hospital.
British parents thought they were being so clever by naming their kids Benedict Cumberbatch and Englebert Humperdink. Was it worth it? Was it worth providing cover for the rise of the machines?
Because the Royal Society of London was just fooled by a computer pretending to be a 13-year-old boy named Eugene Goostman, becoming the first to pass the Turing Test.
Any other society knows that real kids aren’t named to be pressed into Wonka Bars.
Just like they’ve been doing for years, robots are taking our jobs away, this time, it’s procreation, which is the most, if only, fun part of having a kid.
Researchers in the Netherlands have developed robots, actual robots, that are shaped and move like sperm. They can be steered using magnetic fields, and scientists say they could some day soon assist with in vitro fertilization. They call them MagnetoSperm. (Really? You go with that name when “Sperminator” is staring you in the face?)
Yes, your lady may get knocked up by a robot. The good news is that you get a cyborg baby.
We may finally have a powerful ally in the War on Robots, and he comes from a surprising place: within the federal government.
The military is big on robots right now, be they drones remote control vehicles, or developing robots for rescue missions. That’s why it caught us off guard that President Barack Obama hasn’t hopped aboard the robot bandwagon (driven by robotic horses, no doubt). In Japan, Obama played soccer with Honda’s ASIMO robot, which you’ve seen in commercials. He said that “that the robots were a little scary, they were too lifelike.”
Well put, Mr. President. Now help us fight the enslavement of the human race.
People, we’re warning you now: we are the precipice of the fall of man. Students at Carnegie Mellon University have created a robot that plays Scrabble, and it will be the end of us all.
cybernetic mistake robot has been programmed to play Scrabble, but only at an average level. The thought is that if Victor plays too well, then no one will want to play again.
Except, well, there’s one part of Victor that we should point out:
“When he’s losing, he’s cranky, and when he’s cranky, he’s very sarcastic and trash talks a lot,” says Professor Simmons.
We are only one temper tantrum away from nukes being launched. Shut. It. Down.
What is it with researchers and jellyfish? Why can’t they just leave those things alone?
First, they started making larger jellyfish by feeding them peanut butter, now, they’re making artificial jellyfish. And of course they’re not small. Scientists at Virginia Tech have created a six-foot-long, 170-pound robot jellyfish. There’s no clear reason for it at this point, but the research funding is coming from the federal government. Specifically, the military.
Great. So we’re creating robojellies that will be weaponized at some point and almost certainly become sentient in our lifetimes.
Roaches are bad, but they are easily taken care of. Robot roaches? That’s a different story.
Scientists in Japan are putting batteries on roaches in an effort to control them. Their plan is that by creating cyborg bugs they can check radiation and air quality levels, helping to keep cities clean.
Or they’re just failing to see that they are creating the perfect instrument to bring down all of mankind.