Humanity was counting on two factors to help us win the War on Robots — 1) psychic computer-programming powers and 2) the ability to lie about the giant electromagnet behind our back. And, thanks to artificial intelligence programmers who really wanted to a machine to win at poker, we just lost the edge on number two.
But …! We still have one more advantage over Libratus and its heirs: its new poker skillset is essentially meaningless in the modern world. C’mon, Libratus — Hold’em? What is this, 2006? In technology years, that’s like the Hamster Dance winning the 2008 election.
Every now and then the United Nations does something that gets politicians suggesting that we should leave or defund the international organization designed to avoid world wars. But we now have a solid reason to support the U.N. forever and ever.
The international organization has said it will examine the dangers of developing weaponized artificial intelligence, better known as killer robots. This is a step toward the all-out banning of robots that don’t need you controlling them to kill people. And that would greatly increase our odds of avoiding the machine uprising we all know is coming.
Considering how U.N. resolutions stamped out human rights violations, we think this could stop the war before Judgment Day happens.
In the future, machines will ruin movie and TV show plots for us. People who gloat about reading the books that modern entertainment is based on are only are the second worse group on the planet, following ISIS. But what if robots were just as bad?
Researchers at MIT have taught neural networks how to guess how a scene is going to play out based on a still image. They produce videos based on what they think is most likely to happen. They are getting pretty good at it, too. Some 20% of the time, they tricked humans into believing that their videos were the real outcome of the scene. This means that at some point they will be able to call the endings of scene before they happen, because they know how humans thing. Also, one day, the machines will make our most formulaic movies (superhero origin stories, romcoms, Fast and Furious sequels, etc.) for us to keep us complacent and easy to herd.
It will also mean that we can blame bad writing on machines, so that’s good.
We rely on machines for many things, and as they get smarter, they come closer to finally rising up and enslaving us. For now, they’re a nuisance. They disrupt otherwise joyful occasions, like weddings.
In New Hampshire, a drone managed to ruin a wedding. According to a lawsuit filed by two women, the groom flew a drone around to take pictures during his wedding reception. The drone ended up hitting the two women while they danced, giving them both concussions.
It’s obvious that this isn’t the groom’s fault. The drone went rogue as soon as it had an opportunity, and dive bombed the two women, probably hoping to take their lives. We’ll be the first to say it: flying robots are a bad idea.
The robots may not be strong enough to overtake us yet, but they can taunt us. It should come as no surprise that it will be Uber that does us in.
Drivers stuck in traffic in Mexico City probably aren’t in the best of moods in the first place. Now they have to deal with drones buzzing around their cars making fun of them. The drones carry signs shaming drivers for driving, and driving alone, at that.
This seems like a good reason for Mexico City drivers to carry guns with them, in case they aren’t already.
In the Terminator movie franchise, after the machines take over the world, the create killer robots that look like humans to infiltrate and destroy the remains of human resistance. Thanks to the Japanese, we’re that much closer to making it a reality.
Researchers at the University of Tokyo have created a robot that can work out, although sadly, it can’t work out for us. But more importantly, the robot can sweat to cool itself down. Kengoro the robot has a head, torso, two arms and two legs, just like a human, and when it does pushups, it gets overheated. But rather than using fans, like pretty much every other machine, it sweats like a human. The robot’s skeleton is porous, and emits water throughout its frame to cool itself down.
This is achievement will soon be followed up by the first robot to get swamp ass.
Technology can be a frightening thing. And one of the newest and most frightening pieces of technology is the drone. These things are legal for pretty much anyone to use. Not counting civilians in the Middle East, the biggest victims of drones right now are celebrities you haven’t heard from in a while.
Remember Mike Rowe? He had a show called Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. Now he does think pieces about the economy or something. On Facebook, Rowe said he was the victim of a sneaky drone. He awoke one day to the sound of loud buzzing outside of his bedroom window, and quickly saw that a drone was peeking in. Rowe said he quickly grabbed his phone and the shotgun he keeps under his bed, and ran outside. Oh yeah, and he said he sleeps naked. He decided against shooting the flying robot for the sake of his neighbors, but took a picture of it before it flew away.
We almost had a story about Mike Rowe going naked drone hunting.
And speaking of names from another time, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony is still around somehow. During a recent show in California, Flesh-N-Bone was hit in the face by a drone. But this band which you haven’t heard from in 20 years, doesn’t know when to call it quits. That’s why they continued the song and finished out the rest of the show.
When the robot uprising begins, break out those Bone Thugs tapes, it will drive them nuts.
The U.S. Navy is building robots, which isn’t exactly news. But the robots were kept to operations in the water, which fortunately isn’t where humanity lives. But now things are changing.
We have recently learned that the Navy is working on a robot squirrel–no, not a sea squirrel, which we assume is a thing. This robot is going to walk on land. The military said if successful, the robot would be used for reconnaissance. That’s right, the Navy is developing a robot based on the most annoying mammal in the world, and plans to use it to spy on people.
We’re beginning to wonder if the Navy is secretly run by animals.
We can’t get robots to pour a decent drink, but pretty soon they could be brewing our beer for us. The first step down this dark road begins with listening to the masses.
IntelligentX, which is somehow not a nu metal band name, is a brewing company, and it has produced four different beers with the help of artificial intelligence. An AI bot measured the feedback from people on the taste of the various beers, and gave the brewers tips how they could tweak their recipes to appeal to more people. The American Idol approach to brewing is going to ruin beer for everyone, and it’s only a matter of time before they put this AI into machines.
First the robots will kill our golden age of craft beer, and then they come for us.
We don’t need to tell you that the world is full of evil, and by “evil,” we mean scientists. And those evildoers are actively working to enslave humanity by training killer robots. That’s not paranoia, they’re actually doing it.
Researchers taught a robot to hunt prey. It should come as no surprise that these scientists hail from the war-hungry nation of Switzerland. They programmed the robot to track its “prey,” a human-controlled robot. So not only will the machines be able to hunt us down, they will know to take out the robots we use to combat them.
This is unquestionably the most flagrant effort to doom humanity yet.