Look, a lot of weird news comes out of Japan. It makes sense that only the oddest of news would come all the way from over there. They probably only get the weirdest American news, which of course comes from Florida. But why is it that in Japan, it’s always about robots?
Sony has a line of artificial intelligence robot dogs, which is creepy enough. They can develop their own personalities and probably don’t need to be walked. But now, some people are so attached to their fake dogs that when they break, they mourn, and hold a funeral because they believe the robots have souls.
Folks, robots are like pitbulls, they can make OK pets, but never turn your back on them. We shouldn’t be getting emotionally attached to these things, we should be celebrating our ability to make complicated robots that break long before they can be a serious threat. Robot funerals should consist of nothing other than tossing them in molten metal.
Arguably, one of the greatest traits that humanity has over artificial intelligence is the ability to silently (or even overtly) judge one another.
Over and over. Always judging. Always. Mercilessly and tirelessly. Always.
Anyways, science has decided to once again throw in the flag against robots (and literacy) and give the ability to judge to us. Moore, a digital company, has created book jackets that will only open a book if the reader is showing no judgement whatsoever. A camera and facial recognition system will read the audience’s face if the face shows a neutral expression. Meaning, the audience can’t be cynical or mad, but they also can’t be overly happy. It’s sure to be a big hit in Sweden.
The next weapon in the war: passive-aggressive groans and grunts.
Elon Musk believes in the future, a future that he hopes will not be dominated by the end of mankind thanks to killer robots. He’s been fairly loud in his opposition toward super artificial intelligence, considering it more dangerous than nuclear weaponry. In his defense, he has seen a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence on Netflix, so he obviously knows his stuff.
As such, he’s provided what’s obviously the greatest weapon in the war against robots: straight cash homie.
It’s a smart play. His donation of 10 million dollars (that’s billion with an M) to the Future of Life Institute, a non-profit designed to take on humanity’s risk via artificial intelligence, will be used to run global research programs, presumably through the use of artificial intelligence-run computers.
In trying to honor Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi in the most noble way possible — with beer — The New England Brewery Company pissed off his family. Gandhi’s great-grandson, Tushar Gandhi, has threatened to sue the brewery for putting his image on their cans of “Gandhi-Bot,” an India pale ale.
According to Tushar Gandhi, his great-grandfather “abhorred alcohol drinking and spoke against it.” Granted, Gandhi didn’t eat food, either, so using his image for any consumables is — at the very least — self-defeating.
Perhaps what makes the brewery’s use of Gandhi to sell beer is that they used him to sell IPA. No, not because it’s kind of racist; because IPAs suck.
We’ve all known about the U.S. Navy’s trained dolphins, sea lions and other animals. Now it looks like they are finally moving away from arming our animal foes. That’s the good news. The bad news is that they are building robots instead.
The Navy’s Office of Naval Research is developing a remote controlled robot that looks like a tuna. They want to use it to spy on enemy harbors, but most likely not to be used to collect information on other tuna, which seems like the best use.
Then, of course, there’s also the risk of the robo-fish becoming self-aware, and turning on us. The last thing we need in the War on Animals is a double-agent tuna.
In order to market support for the team via the fans, the baseball team has installed a special section in their stadium devoted solely to robots. Because, you know, separate but equal is something that clearly always works as a concept and should never be frowned upon. Fans will be able to upload a snapshot of their face and messages of goodwill and support that can be displayed on the screens of the robots and this is something that can no way end in pictures of genitalia and sexts being uploaded.
Japan’s population is shrinking. It’s one of the few countries that can say this. While they are doing their part to avoid overpopulating the world, it’s also a bad thing, because someone needs to take care of all the old people.
So Japanese researchers came up with a very Japanese way to solve the problem: more robots. They said in a white paper that robots could even be applied to agriculture and construction jobs, because everyone wants robots in charge or your food or making cat calls at you when you walk by.
As we all know from the time-displaced documentaries that are The Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, a nuclear assault will be launched at us via the robots. There will be a flash and then a significant amount of children swinging on swing sets will be turned into skeletons.
But what if we changed the future – but not enough? What if now the robots don’t use a nuclear assault on us, but another approach? Perhaps, say, a viral assault? Maybe germ warfare?