If it weren’t for urine, life would certainly suck for the Bristol Robotics Laboratory.
We should explain that.
The lab originally developed the EcoBot, which runs on the corpses of insects that it traps. This seemed like a practical idea … to anyone who hasn’t wasted $6 on a Venus Flytrap, only to see it dead in a week. There just aren’t enough flies to keep it running, not even if you design the robot’s collection nozzle or whatever to look like the eye of one of those starving kids from the Sally Struthers ads.
(Tangent: What happened to those kids? Were they fed to the Sarah McLachlan dogs, or are they all working tech support now?)
So, they developed an alternate fuel after what we assume was a very fun night out on the town: urine. Not just urine, but urine pumped through an artificial heart. And all it took was one scientist saying he had to pee so bad that his blood smelled like lager and asparagus. We assume, anyway.
Special thanks to Patrick H. for bringing this to our attention!
What? You had a stronger word? It’s plausible that robots might not stab humans just because they’re holding knives. They could merely slice, eviscerate, decapitate, or puncture humans.
Cornell University robot developers devised a new training method that simplifies the robot training process so that you don’t need 10 advanced degrees to tell Data that you prefer your sandwiches cut diagonally, not straight across. Among the sample tasks was teaching a cashier robot not to stab people with the knives it was ringing up.
And you know what the next step will be: putting all those human cashiers out of work who can’t ring up a Ginsu without tempering the blade in customer guts. To which we say, those sociopaths have to eat, too, Cornell, and you just dook deir jorbs.
If you’re going to an art expo in northeast China, one of the most interesting items is no longer on display.
A female robot intended to serve as a tour guide at the Jinzhou World Garden Art Expo has to be removed, because the tourists couldn’t keep their hands off of her. Visitors were so curious about what was under the robot’s clothes that officials decided to take it out of commission.
Once again, being attractive can hurt your career.
The iPhone 5s has only been on sale for three days, and reviews are already in: the people who pre-order or wait in line for new iPhones are kind of sad. Also, they harbor the enemy: animals.
The new phone comes with a new fingerprint recognition system used to unlock the phone and authorize purchases. And you can add other authorized users by scanning their fingerprints into your phone. At least two people — which, in the news, is an epidemic (see: “buttchugging” or “bird flu”) — have added their pets’ pawprints after discovering that this totally works, you guys.
While it’s adorable to use your chihuahua to unlock your phone for now, it’s not going to be so funny when animals join forces with Siri and win the Wars on Animals and Robots.
This is how the end begins, and of all places, the beginning of the end began in South Africa.
At the Oppikoppi music festival in there (where it’s winter, by the way), if you need a good stiff drink, all you need do is download an app and place your order. From there, your location is found, and a drone, we presume unarmed, drops you a beer in a parachute.
Folks, this is dangerous. If we start depending on robots for our drinks, we’ll soon forget how to make them or order them ourselves. We’ll come to depend on them for our beer, and then more and more. Before too long, they will be deciding if we have earned a beer.
Also, beer on a parachute in a crowd? We all know hand-eye coordination goes after you have a few–assuming you’re tall enough to reach over the other freeloaders in the first place.
It’s truly a life full of ennui and largesse when someone is bored with people just serving them their food. “Oh, food that’s given to you? By a human being? How pedestrian.” No longer will that statement be uttered at London’s YO! Sushi restaurant.
Waitress Gabriella Micu, 28, said: ‘It’s really fun for customers and I hope we can get to the point where we can serve guests from the central kitchen as it would definitely help to cut down the time walking around the restaurant.’
While replacing people with iPad controlled gadgets isn’t happening immediately, it’s also pointed out that the ‘copter can travel more than six times faster than the average server. Unless you want Skynet to take your job, we recommend that lots and lots of gyroscope accidents start happening.
When the robots come for your beer, will you be ready?
In Australia, a cellular (or “mo-be-ulh”) telephone network had an unexplained dead zone in the town of Wangaratta, and no one knew why. So the company, Telstra, sent out software robots to find the source and tracked down the source with the help of humans. Turns out it was a beer fridge giving off just the right frequency of electricity to mess with the network. Obviously, the beer is more important.
Let’s remember, they gave up their guns just a few years ago, and look what happened!
This was reported on severaldifferent news sites, and is even on the company’s blog in an undated post. But given what yesterday was, we are far from sure about this one. If it’s real, it’s a wonder the U.S. Postal Service hasn’t announced something similar. The only reason this seems remotely possible is that the French don’t have good ideas, and they’re one of the few countries in the world lazier than us.
Then, of course, there’s utter impracticality of the whole plan. So let’s just say several U.S. news media outlets just got pranked.
The bad news: Aside from the fact that our country is now going to be besieged with unknown numbers of veteran sea creatures begging for change (you know the VA’s not going to help them), it turns out their replacements will be robots. (Ask the American factory worker how it feels, Flipper!) Effectively, the Navy is replacing one enemy of mankind with another.