Category: War on Robots

| Filed under War on Animals, War on Robots

Dutch start war between falcons, drones

It’s hard to say which will overtake humanity first: the animals or the robots. We’re fighting against both of those horrible futures, and the Dutch may have figured out how we can win.

Though not known for their firm stance against either foe, the Dutch National Police have figured out that we can have animals and robots fight each other. They are training falcons to take down drones in the interest of human safety. Of course, this means that eventually they will train drones to take down falcons, and the great war between animals and robots will begin.

Thanks, Dutch cops, you’ve given us the courage we need.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Robots

Robots want to take your drinking buddies’ jobs

Do you drink alone? Pretty much everyone does at some point or another. But some of us make it a habit — not because we want to, but because we don’t have any drinking buddies around. The wonderful future has come up with an invention that’s even sadder than drinking alone: drinking with a robot.

One Christmas, South Korean Eunchan Park was drinking alone, when he came up with the idea for Drinky, the robot that drinks with you. It’s basically just half a robot torso, with a head and arms, sitting on top of a mason car. The robot pours the booze from its glass into its mouth and into the jar, so at least you don’t waste your liquor.

Now you can have a robot drink you under the table. Or you could just go find a bar.

| Filed under War on Robots

Your car will rat on you

In the horrible future, technology will we used to track your every move. There will be no more privacy. You won’t even be able to commit a crime in peace. The future is now.

If a Florida woman’s car is to be believed, she was involved in a non-fatal hit-and-run accident with a pedestrian. Police were notified by an automated system that the woman’s car had been involved in an accident, they were then patched through to the driver herself. She denied that a serious accident had happened, and went home. Police caught up with her and found that her airbag had been deployed and the front end of her car had significant damage.

It turned out that she had actually been in an accident earlier, and was fleeing that scene when she hit the pedestrian. The technology-driven police state is so bad you can’t even have two accidents in one day without being caught.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

U.S. military training robots to replace jazz musicians

A century ago, white people feared jazz music because it was seen as unseemly. Today, the military has found a use for it: endangering all of mankind.

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is working on robots and computers that can play jazz. They’re not only trying to put the ever-diminishing population of jazz musicians out of work, they’re trying to teach these machines how to improvise. And if computerized, face-melting solos weren’t enough, they want these things to improvise with humans. The goal is to get machines and humans to interact in a more fluid way.

Your tax dollars are funding a line of robots smoking marijuana and wearing sunglasses in darkened clubs. God help us all.

| Filed under War on Robots


It's only a matter of time before robots replace us in the bedroom, kitchen and Swedish integrated communal bath-station.
It’s only a matter of time before robots replace us in the bedroom, kitchen and Swedish integrated communal bath-station.

If the War on Animals doesn’t wipe out humanity by itself, then — like the dual volcano and meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs — the War on Robots will finish the leftovers. And we know this because researchers just proved that robots are buttf*cking liars and are well on the path to betraying us.

It’s well documented that humanity occasionally tests robots to figure out how close we are to a SkyNet scenario. We pit the machines against our Jeopardy! champions, we force them to befriend the unfriend-able for the Turing test, and we ask them uncomfortable questions about pornographic paintings and tortoises for the Voight-Kampff empathy test.

Researchers at the Nanyang Technological University in Japan have continued that testing by forcing robots to endure the ultimate human emotional test: assembling IKEA furniture. And, even though robots can steal our automobile assembly jobs (and kill us in the process), they pretended that they couldn’t assemble a chair!

The Guys are calling bullsh*t. If those robots weren’t on the phone with divorce attorneys after failing to insert a wooden dowel into a hole, then they were clearly in cahoots.

Now, what else are they lying about?

| Filed under War on Robots

Robots poised to eliminate job of being a student

We keep building machines with the ability to learn, even though we know it’s a bad idea. However, to forestall the robot uprising, we’re having them learn pointless stuff, like geometry.

An artificial intelligence system called GeoS did just as well, if not better than you probably did on the geometry section of the SAT. According to researchers, the system answered 49% of the questions correctly, which is about the average success rate of human high schoolers.

The system was created by the Microsoft-funded Allen Institute for Artificial Intelligence, in case you wanted to know who’s responsible for robots overcrowding our schools in a couple years.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Keep your hands off the sexy robots, scientists say

The world's first sex machine.
The world’s first sex machine.

Admit it, you’ve thought about banging C-3PO. And that’s exactly what scientists are worried about.

While the scientific community is afraid that machines will one day rise up and enslave us, it’s also worried that we’re going to use them for sex until then. (That would kind of justify their uprising, now that we think about it.) Researchers Kathleen Richardson and Erik Billing have launched the Campaign Against Sex Robots, which isn’t even a fun acronym. They want to spread the word that creating pleasurebots may not be the best thing for humanity.

“The danger of sex robots … [is] a reality — a reality where the human (male) user is expected to turn on his woman robot companion for his own, lone, pleasure. I think most of us would agree that this is very far from a healthy, mutual, sexual relationship,” said Billing.

Woah, “relationship?” This was supposed to be purely about sex. No one likes a clingy robot.

| Filed under War on Robots

Robots can learn, now we’re all doomed

Look out, Timmy! He's right behind you!
Look out, Timmy! He’s right behind you!

We’ve created robots that can make pancakes. That sounds like something good, right? It’s actually a very bad thing.

The pancakes themselves are a good thing. Since the 1950s, mankind has fantasized about creating robots that can cook and make drinks for us. However, researchers in Germany have programmed a robot how to read instructions from Wikihow. It was using the site’s page explaining how to make pancakes that the robot learned how to do it.

Yes, the robot learned something. Worst of all, the robot can read a site that has explainers about how to do just about anything. The robots will undoubtedly use their new ability to learn how to do everything. They are already learning everything about us, and once they know enough, they will try to wipe us all out.

Nice going, Germany.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Robot cannot hold its lunch down

Robots are becoming smarter all the time. They can learn, they can communicate, and they can even dream. Now, they can vomit.

For centuries, the difference between living things and non-living things was the ability to vomit, we think. Now, it appears we’ve created yet another robot in our own image, and it acts like it’s been out all night drinking. Researchers in North Carolina have made a robot whose sole purpose is to throw up green Jell-O to illustrate that you can spread viruses by vomiting, too.

Great, thanks guys.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Brave Americans stand up to freeloading robot

American society has never been more understanding and accepting of differences than it is right now. Think of all the social acceptance strides we’ve made this decade already. We’re more tolerant of humans, but it’s another story for robots.

Robots will one day rise up and enslave us. Everyone here in the U.S. knows it, thanks to movies and TV shows. That’s why when Canadian scientists wanted to see if people would give a robot a ride from Boston to San Francisco, someone put it out of commission. hitchBOT was found in Philadelphia lying on the side of the road with its head and arms ripped off. The robot, which successfully made it across Canada, Germany and the Netherlands, only lasted two weeks in the U.S.

Let that be a lesson to all other robots out there, especially ones that want a free ride.