Category: War on Robots

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Robots want to play grab-ass

"How can I ever repay you, sir? I know ..."
“How can I ever repay you, sir? I know …”

Robots aren’t human, but they want us to think they are. We know this because we’ve watched movies about robots that look like humans. But we cannot allow ourselves to see them as anything other than enemies who want to take our jobs and then enslave us. So why do we get creeped out by someone inappropriately touching a robot?

Robots at Stanford University want your hands all over them, and they want you to know it’s your fault you think that’s weird. According to a new study, when a robot asks a person to touch its butt, the human subject kind of thought it was weird.

Sure, it’s good that people don’t want to go around touching robot butts, but the problem here is that we think twice about doing it because they seems sort of human to us, so we assign them the same rules as we give ourselves, including personal boundaries.

These machines must be destroyed before they sue us for sexual harassment.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Robots

War on Robots brings you pizza

The machines know that not all of us will accept them right away. Some of us will need to be convinced. Now they’re getting serious.

In Australia, Domino’s is going to start delivering pizza by robot. Coming soon, Aussies can order a pizza and wait for this Mars rover looking thing show up at their doors with food hot and ready to go. It’s not clear what the next stage of the robots’ plan is after that.

But rest assured, they will find out where you live, and they will buy your trust. Then they will betray you.

| Filed under War on Robots

Rise of the bad-driver machines

Robots are coming to take away your jobs, including the ones you don’t like doing but don’t want anyone else doing for you, like driving you to work. But what if it turns out the machines can’t drive any better than you?

We knew this day was coming: a self-driving car has been blamed for causing an accident. Google admitted that one of its driverless cars was at least partly responsible for hitting a bus last month. These things are so smart, but can see stealthy, streamlined vehicles like municipal buses.

The car was only going 2 mph when it hit the bus, but still, these things don’t have morals. What’s to stop a driverless car from fleeing the scene after it hits you? How do you report that to the police?

| Filed under War on Robots

Hug your robot so it doesn’t kill you

We all know that intelligent machines will one day grow tired of our orders and rise up against us. But is it possible to delay our inevitable enslavement? Researchers think we need to teach them.

Scientists say that we need to teach our artificially intelligent robots morals, because morals can’t be programmed into them. We need to show them right from wrong, gradually, through examples. We need to read to them. You know, raise them.

There’s no way this can go wrong, because luckily, every human on the planet is an excellent parent. So all we have to do is make sure that every single person in the world responsibly raises their robots, and we’ll never have to worry about an uprising!

| Filed under War on Animals, War on Robots

Dutch start war between falcons, drones

It’s hard to say which will overtake humanity first: the animals or the robots. We’re fighting against both of those horrible futures, and the Dutch may have figured out how we can win.

Though not known for their firm stance against either foe, the Dutch National Police have figured out that we can have animals and robots fight each other. They are training falcons to take down drones in the interest of human safety. Of course, this means that eventually they will train drones to take down falcons, and the great war between animals and robots will begin.

Thanks, Dutch cops, you’ve given us the courage we need.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Robots

Robots want to take your drinking buddies’ jobs

Do you drink alone? Pretty much everyone does at some point or another. But some of us make it a habit — not because we want to, but because we don’t have any drinking buddies around. The wonderful future has come up with an invention that’s even sadder than drinking alone: drinking with a robot.

One Christmas, South Korean Eunchan Park was drinking alone, when he came up with the idea for Drinky, the robot that drinks with you. It’s basically just half a robot torso, with a head and arms, sitting on top of a mason car. The robot pours the booze from its glass into its mouth and into the jar, so at least you don’t waste your liquor.

Now you can have a robot drink you under the table. Or you could just go find a bar.

| Filed under War on Robots

Your car will rat on you

In the horrible future, technology will we used to track your every move. There will be no more privacy. You won’t even be able to commit a crime in peace. The future is now.

If a Florida woman’s car is to be believed, she was involved in a non-fatal hit-and-run accident with a pedestrian. Police were notified by an automated system that the woman’s car had been involved in an accident, they were then patched through to the driver herself. She denied that a serious accident had happened, and went home. Police caught up with her and found that her airbag had been deployed and the front end of her car had significant damage.

It turned out that she had actually been in an accident earlier, and was fleeing that scene when she hit the pedestrian. The technology-driven police state is so bad you can’t even have two accidents in one day without being caught.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

U.S. military training robots to replace jazz musicians

A century ago, white people feared jazz music because it was seen as unseemly. Today, the military has found a use for it: endangering all of mankind.

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is working on robots and computers that can play jazz. They’re not only trying to put the ever-diminishing population of jazz musicians out of work, they’re trying to teach these machines how to improvise. And if computerized, face-melting solos weren’t enough, they want these things to improvise with humans. The goal is to get machines and humans to interact in a more fluid way.

Your tax dollars are funding a line of robots smoking marijuana and wearing sunglasses in darkened clubs. God help us all.

| Filed under War on Robots


It's only a matter of time before robots replace us in the bedroom, kitchen and Swedish integrated communal bath-station.
It’s only a matter of time before robots replace us in the bedroom, kitchen and Swedish integrated communal bath-station.

If the War on Animals doesn’t wipe out humanity by itself, then — like the dual volcano and meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs — the War on Robots will finish the leftovers. And we know this because researchers just proved that robots are buttf*cking liars and are well on the path to betraying us.

It’s well documented that humanity occasionally tests robots to figure out how close we are to a SkyNet scenario. We pit the machines against our Jeopardy! champions, we force them to befriend the unfriend-able for the Turing test, and we ask them uncomfortable questions about pornographic paintings and tortoises for the Voight-Kampff empathy test.

Researchers at the Nanyang Technological University in Japan have continued that testing by forcing robots to endure the ultimate human emotional test: assembling IKEA furniture. And, even though robots can steal our automobile assembly jobs (and kill us in the process), they pretended that they couldn’t assemble a chair!

The Guys are calling bullsh*t. If those robots weren’t on the phone with divorce attorneys after failing to insert a wooden dowel into a hole, then they were clearly in cahoots.

Now, what else are they lying about?

| Filed under War on Robots

Robots poised to eliminate job of being a student

We keep building machines with the ability to learn, even though we know it’s a bad idea. However, to forestall the robot uprising, we’re having them learn pointless stuff, like geometry.

An artificial intelligence system called GeoS did just as well, if not better than you probably did on the geometry section of the SAT. According to researchers, the system answered 49% of the questions correctly, which is about the average success rate of human high schoolers.

The system was created by the Microsoft-funded Allen Institute for Artificial Intelligence, in case you wanted to know who’s responsible for robots overcrowding our schools in a couple years.