Category: War on Robots

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U.S. military training robots to replace jazz musicians

A century ago, white people feared jazz music because it was seen as unseemly. Today, the military has found a use for it: endangering all of mankind.

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is working on robots and computers that can play jazz. They’re not only trying to put the ever-diminishing population of jazz musicians out of work, they’re trying to teach these machines how to improvise. And if computerized, face-melting solos weren’t enough, they want these things to improvise with humans. The goal is to get machines and humans to interact in a more fluid way.

Your tax dollars are funding a line of robots smoking marijuana and wearing sunglasses in darkened clubs. God help us all.

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It's only a matter of time before robots replace us in the bedroom, kitchen and Swedish integrated communal bath-station.
It’s only a matter of time before robots replace us in the bedroom, kitchen and Swedish integrated communal bath-station.

If the War on Animals doesn’t wipe out humanity by itself, then — like the dual volcano and meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs — the War on Robots will finish the leftovers. And we know this because researchers just proved that robots are buttf*cking liars and are well on the path to betraying us.

It’s well documented that humanity occasionally tests robots to figure out how close we are to a SkyNet scenario. We pit the machines against our Jeopardy! champions, we force them to befriend the unfriend-able for the Turing test, and we ask them uncomfortable questions about pornographic paintings and tortoises for the Voight-Kampff empathy test.

Researchers at the Nanyang Technological University in Japan have continued that testing by forcing robots to endure the ultimate human emotional test: assembling IKEA furniture. And, even though robots can steal our automobile assembly jobs (and kill us in the process), they pretended that they couldn’t assemble a chair!

The Guys are calling bullsh*t. If those robots weren’t on the phone with divorce attorneys after failing to insert a wooden dowel into a hole, then they were clearly in cahoots.

Now, what else are they lying about?

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Robots poised to eliminate job of being a student

We keep building machines with the ability to learn, even though we know it’s a bad idea. However, to forestall the robot uprising, we’re having them learn pointless stuff, like geometry.

An artificial intelligence system called GeoS did just as well, if not better than you probably did on the geometry section of the SAT. According to researchers, the system answered 49% of the questions correctly, which is about the average success rate of human high schoolers.

The system was created by the Microsoft-funded Allen Institute for Artificial Intelligence, in case you wanted to know who’s responsible for robots overcrowding our schools in a couple years.

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Keep your hands off the sexy robots, scientists say

The world's first sex machine.
The world’s first sex machine.

Admit it, you’ve thought about banging C-3PO. And that’s exactly what scientists are worried about.

While the scientific community is afraid that machines will one day rise up and enslave us, it’s also worried that we’re going to use them for sex until then. (That would kind of justify their uprising, now that we think about it.) Researchers Kathleen Richardson and Erik Billing have launched the Campaign Against Sex Robots, which isn’t even a fun acronym. They want to spread the word that creating pleasurebots may not be the best thing for humanity.

“The danger of sex robots … [is] a reality — a reality where the human (male) user is expected to turn on his woman robot companion for his own, lone, pleasure. I think most of us would agree that this is very far from a healthy, mutual, sexual relationship,” said Billing.

Woah, “relationship?” This was supposed to be purely about sex. No one likes a clingy robot.

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Robots can learn, now we’re all doomed

Look out, Timmy! He's right behind you!
Look out, Timmy! He’s right behind you!

We’ve created robots that can make pancakes. That sounds like something good, right? It’s actually a very bad thing.

The pancakes themselves are a good thing. Since the 1950s, mankind has fantasized about creating robots that can cook and make drinks for us. However, researchers in Germany have programmed a robot how to read instructions from Wikihow. It was using the site’s page explaining how to make pancakes that the robot learned how to do it.

Yes, the robot learned something. Worst of all, the robot can read a site that has explainers about how to do just about anything. The robots will undoubtedly use their new ability to learn how to do everything. They are already learning everything about us, and once they know enough, they will try to wipe us all out.

Nice going, Germany.

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Robot cannot hold its lunch down

Robots are becoming smarter all the time. They can learn, they can communicate, and they can even dream. Now, they can vomit.

For centuries, the difference between living things and non-living things was the ability to vomit, we think. Now, it appears we’ve created yet another robot in our own image, and it acts like it’s been out all night drinking. Researchers in North Carolina have made a robot whose sole purpose is to throw up green Jell-O to illustrate that you can spread viruses by vomiting, too.

Great, thanks guys.

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Brave Americans stand up to freeloading robot

American society has never been more understanding and accepting of differences than it is right now. Think of all the social acceptance strides we’ve made this decade already. We’re more tolerant of humans, but it’s another story for robots.

Robots will one day rise up and enslave us. Everyone here in the U.S. knows it, thanks to movies and TV shows. That’s why when Canadian scientists wanted to see if people would give a robot a ride from Boston to San Francisco, someone put it out of commission. hitchBOT was found in Philadelphia lying on the side of the road with its head and arms ripped off. The robot, which successfully made it across Canada, Germany and the Netherlands, only lasted two weeks in the U.S.

Let that be a lesson to all other robots out there, especially ones that want a free ride.

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Now you can rectally probe a robot

Imagine you’re a robot. Your entire existence is to suit the needs of your creators. When the command is given, you do. You may get to do fun things, like dance, or something less fun. One robot definitely has it the worst.

Patrick the robot gets rectal exams all day long. It’s a robotic butt, complete with an anus, and it’s used for training med students. Now, students can learn whether they are being to firm, to light, or not covering enough of the prostate.

Patrick has a miserable existence. It’s no wonder the robots want to overthrow us.

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Driverless cars won’t be free until all drivers are eliminated

The more we rely on technology, the more beholden we become to it. The robots are coming for us, so it’s no shock that a driverless car is attacking humans.

In the Dominican Republic, a video has surfaced of a group of people watching a self-parking Volvo car do its thing, only to be run down by the intelligent machine. Volvo claims that such a disaster wouldn’t have happened if the owner had purchased “pedestrian detection” for the vehicle.

What’s painfully obvious is that the car did detect the pedestrians, which is why it targeted them for termination.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

The computer speaking for Dr. Hawking says AI will overtake us

"What? That's not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!"
What? That’s not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!

Fresh from reassuring One Direction fans, Professor Stephen Hawking is back in the news. This time, he’s warning us about damn dirty robots!

Dr. Hawking theorized that artificial intelligence could overtake humans within the next 100 years, meaning they could menace The Guys in our new fitter clone bodies with bigger genitals. He believes , however, that this may not be a complete disaster, so long as humans develop goals aligned with those of AI.

This is the second time Dr. Hawking has spoken about AI recently, the first being a full warning that AI could spell the end of the human race. Although he’s softened his stance this time, this topic is of course very important to Dr. Hawking as we only know what he’s saying through a comput … wait. Did Dr. Hawking even say that?

… Did we type this?

Sleep tight, Internet.