Category: War on Robots

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

The computer speaking for Dr. Hawking says AI will overtake us

"What? That's not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!"
What? That’s not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!

Fresh from reassuring One Direction fans, Professor Stephen Hawking is back in the news. This time, he’s warning us about damn dirty robots!

Dr. Hawking theorized that artificial intelligence could overtake humans within the next 100 years, meaning they could menace The Guys in our new fitter clone bodies with bigger genitals. He believes , however, that this may not be a complete disaster, so long as humans develop goals aligned with those of AI.

This is the second time Dr. Hawking has spoken about AI recently, the first being a full warning that AI could spell the end of the human race. Although he’s softened his stance this time, this topic is of course very important to Dr. Hawking as we only know what he’s saying through a comput … wait. Did Dr. Hawking even say that?

… Did we type this?

Sleep tight, Internet.

| Filed under War on Robots

The future of elective surgery is here — for fruit

Robots could operate on you, they just don’t want to. Instead, they prefer to use their programmed talents on pieces of fruit.

In what is easily the most egregious example of the dysfunction of Obamacare, a video has been released of a Da Vinci surgery system robot stitching together a grape with a piece of its skin partially removed (caution, graphic grape surgery photos and video).

The only solace we have at the moment is that the robot is still controlled by human surgeons, albeit ones who want to undo all the hard work you went through pealing your grape.

| Filed under Stripper News, War on Robots

Robots are learning how to love

The inevitable robot uprising isn’t all scary, even though it will have spider bots. It could even be sexy.

At a party in London celebrating the launch of Dutch online hosting company TransIP in the U.K., there were pole dancing robots on hand. As we’ve learned this week, hiring strippers is a great way to get people to show up for your party. The robots motions were limited, and they didn’t look very lifelike, but still they shook it for all to see, and no one tipped.

Perhaps it was their CCTV cameras for heads that kept the guys away.

| Filed under War on Animals, War on Robots

Intel thinks the world needs spider bots

We here at SG have laid out some of the biggest threats to civilization. So it should be no secret that two of the top candidates are animals and robots. But what if animals and robots teamed up?

Intel has taken the top spot of corporation reaching James Bond movie levels of sinister with the invention of spider robots. CEO Brian Krzanich, who even has a Bond villain name, demonstrated his companies new technology at a show in China. He showed that just by wearing a device on his hand, he can control at least three spider bots that look to be about the size of a cat.

The countdown to when they are sentient is now on.

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Tokyoh-no!, War on Robots

Japanese have robot pets, doom us all

Look, a lot of weird news comes out of Japan. It makes sense that only the oddest of news would come all the way from over there. They probably only get the weirdest American news, which of course comes from Florida. But why is it that in Japan, it’s always about robots?

Sony has a line of artificial intelligence robot dogs, which is creepy enough. They can develop their own personalities and probably don’t need to be walked. But now, some people are so attached to their fake dogs that when they break, they mourn, and hold a funeral because they believe the robots have souls.

Folks, robots are like pitbulls, they can make OK pets, but never turn your back on them. We shouldn’t be getting emotionally attached to these things, we should be celebrating our ability to make complicated robots that break long before they can be a serious threat. Robot funerals should consist of nothing other than tossing them in molten metal.

| Filed under War on Art, War on Robots

The book judging singularity has begun

Arguably, one of the greatest traits that humanity has over artificial intelligence is the ability to silently (or even overtly) judge one another.

Over and over. Always judging. Always. Mercilessly and tirelessly. Always.

Anyways, science has decided to once again throw in the flag against robots (and literacy) and give the ability to judge to us. Moore, a digital company, has created book jackets that will only open a book if the reader is showing no judgement whatsoever. A camera and facial recognition system will read the audience’s face if the face shows a neutral expression. Meaning, the audience can’t be cynical or mad, but they also can’t be overly happy. It’s sure to be a big hit in Sweden.

The next weapon in the war: passive-aggressive groans and grunts.

| Filed under War on Robots

But what’s his opinion on Transformers?

Elon Musk believes in the future, a future that he hopes will not be dominated by the end of mankind thanks to killer robots. He’s been fairly loud in his opposition toward super artificial intelligence, considering it more dangerous than nuclear weaponry. In his defense, he has seen a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence on Netflix, so he obviously knows his stuff.

As such, he’s provided what’s obviously the greatest weapon in the war against robots: straight cash homie.

It’s a smart play. His donation of 10 million dollars (that’s billion with an M) to the Future of Life Institute, a non-profit designed to take on humanity’s risk via artificial intelligence, will be used to run global research programs, presumably through the use of artificial intelligence-run computers.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Robots

Gandhi’s back in simultaneous beer- and robot-form

The New England Brewery Company said it was sorry if it had offended anyone by using Gandhi's name and image for its ‘Gandhi-Bot’ India Pale Ale and hopes that anyone who is offended doesn't miss any meals over it.
The New England Brewery Company said it was sorry if it had offended anyone by using Gandhi’s name and image for its “Gandhi-Bot” India Pale Ale and hopes that anyone who is offended doesn’t miss any meals over it.

In trying to honor Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi in the most noble way possible — with beer — The New England Brewery Company pissed off his family. Gandhi’s great-grandson, Tushar Gandhi, has threatened to sue the brewery for putting his image on their cans of “Gandhi-Bot,” an India pale ale.

According to Tushar Gandhi, his great-grandfather “abhorred alcohol drinking and spoke against it.” Granted, Gandhi didn’t eat food, either, so using his image for any consumables is — at the very least — self-defeating.

Perhaps what makes the brewery’s use of Gandhi to sell beer is that they used him to sell IPA. No, not because it’s kind of racist; because IPAs suck.

| Filed under War on Animals, War on Robots

Robo-fish are going to spy on you

We’ve all known about the U.S. Navy’s trained dolphins, sea lions and other animals. Now it looks like they are finally moving away from arming our animal foes. That’s the good news. The bad news is that they are building robots instead.

The Navy’s Office of Naval Research is developing a remote controlled robot that looks like a tuna. They want to use it to spy on enemy harbors, but most likely not to be used to collect information on other tuna, which seems like the best use.

Then, of course, there’s also the risk of the robo-fish becoming self-aware, and turning on us. The last thing we need in the War on Animals is a double-agent tuna.

| Filed under War on Robots

Korean baseball team to outsource baseball fan jobs to robots

Are you located in South Korea? Are you a diehard fan of the Hanwha Eagles? Do you love them, despite their less than stellar record over the years?

Your relevancy has now been made redundant.

In order to market support for the team via the fans, the baseball team has installed a special section in their stadium devoted solely to robots. Because, you know, separate but equal is something that clearly always works as a concept and should never be frowned upon. Fans will be able to upload a snapshot of their face and messages of goodwill and support that can be displayed on the screens of the robots and this is something that can no way end in pictures of genitalia and sexts being uploaded.