Category: War on Robots

| Filed under War on Robots

Drones harass gridlocked drivers

The robots may not be strong enough to overtake us yet, but they can taunt us. It should come as no surprise that it will be Uber that does us in.

Drivers stuck in traffic in Mexico City probably aren’t in the best of moods in the first place. Now they have to deal with drones buzzing around their cars making fun of them. The drones carry signs shaming drivers for driving, and driving alone, at that.

This seems like a good reason for Mexico City drivers to carry guns with them, in case they aren’t already.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Sweaty robots are the next big thing

In the Terminator movie franchise, after the machines take over the world, the create killer robots that look like humans to infiltrate and destroy the remains of human resistance. Thanks to the Japanese, we’re that much closer to making it a reality.

Researchers at the University of Tokyo have created a robot that can work out, although sadly, it can’t work out for us. But more importantly, the robot can sweat to cool itself down. Kengoro the robot has a head, torso, two arms and two legs, just like a human, and when it does pushups, it gets overheated. But rather than using fans, like pretty much every other machine, it sweats like a human. The robot’s skeleton is porous, and emits water throughout its frame to cool itself down.

This is achievement will soon be followed up by the first robot to get swamp ass.

| Filed under War on Robots

Drones are attacking our B-listers of yesteryear

Technology can be a frightening thing. And one of the newest and most frightening pieces of technology is the drone. These things are legal for pretty much anyone to use. Not counting civilians in the Middle East, the biggest victims of drones right now are celebrities you haven’t heard from in a while.

Remember Mike Rowe? He had a show called Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. Now he does think pieces about the economy or something. On Facebook, Rowe said he was the victim of a sneaky drone. He awoke one day to the sound of loud buzzing outside of his bedroom window, and quickly saw that a drone was peeking in. Rowe said he quickly grabbed his phone and the shotgun he keeps under his bed, and ran outside. Oh yeah, and he said he sleeps naked. He decided against shooting the flying robot for the sake of his neighbors, but took a picture of it before it flew away.

We almost had a story about Mike Rowe going naked drone hunting.

And speaking of names from another time, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony is still around somehow. During a recent show in California, Flesh-N-Bone was hit in the face by a drone. But this band which you haven’t heard from in 20 years, doesn’t know when to call it quits. That’s why they continued the song and finished out the rest of the show.

When the robot uprising begins, break out those Bone Thugs tapes, it will drive them nuts.

| Filed under War on Animals, War on Robots

Navy designing robot to run in front of your car

The U.S. Navy is building robots, which isn’t exactly news. But the robots were kept to operations in the water, which fortunately isn’t where humanity lives. But now things are changing.

We have recently learned that the Navy is working on a robot squirrel–no, not a sea squirrel, which we assume is a thing. This robot is going to walk on land. The military said if successful, the robot would be used for reconnaissance. That’s right, the Navy is developing a robot based on the most annoying mammal in the world, and plans to use it to spy on people.

We’re beginning to wonder if the Navy is secretly run by animals.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Robots

Dumb beer trend: Artificial intelligence

We can’t get robots to pour a decent drink, but pretty soon they could be brewing our beer for us. The first step down this dark road begins with listening to the masses.

IntelligentX, which is somehow not a nu metal band name, is a brewing company, and it has produced four different beers with the help of artificial intelligence. An AI bot measured the feedback from people on the taste of the various beers, and gave the brewers tips how they could tweak their recipes to appeal to more people. The American Idol approach to brewing is going to ruin beer for everyone, and it’s only a matter of time before they put this AI into machines.

First the robots will kill our golden age of craft beer, and then they come for us.

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Scientists teach robot to hunt, edge us toward Judgment Day

We don’t need to tell you that the world is full of evil, and by “evil,” we mean scientists. And those evildoers are actively working to enslave humanity by training killer robots. That’s not paranoia, they’re actually doing it.

Researchers taught a robot to hunt prey. It should come as no surprise that these scientists hail from the war-hungry nation of Switzerland. They programmed the robot to track its “prey,” a human-controlled robot. So not only will the machines be able to hunt us down, they will know to take out the robots we use to combat them.

This is unquestionably the most flagrant effort to doom humanity yet.

| Filed under Sex Sells, War on Robots

Rise of the sex machines

Sex robot Jude Law has seen some things. Horrible things.
Sex robot Jude Law has seen some things. Horrible things.

The long war on masculinity continues, as women work harder to make men wholly unnecessary in their lives. This time, it’s in the bedroom.

In as soon as 10 years from now, women will be hooking up with robots more than they are with men, according to futurologist Ian Pearson. He projects that since the sex machine industry is booming, with advancements coming all the time, we’re not far off from having robots resembling humans who can do the deed (SFW if you don’t scroll down). Women will turn to these more and more as the stigma fades over decades, he predicts.

Another job eliminated by machines.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Robots want to play grab-ass

"How can I ever repay you, sir? I know ..."
“How can I ever repay you, sir? I know …”

Robots aren’t human, but they want us to think they are. We know this because we’ve watched movies about robots that look like humans. But we cannot allow ourselves to see them as anything other than enemies who want to take our jobs and then enslave us. So why do we get creeped out by someone inappropriately touching a robot?

Robots at Stanford University want your hands all over them, and they want you to know it’s your fault you think that’s weird. According to a new study, when a robot asks a person to touch its butt, the human subject kind of thought it was weird.

Sure, it’s good that people don’t want to go around touching robot butts, but the problem here is that we think twice about doing it because they seems sort of human to us, so we assign them the same rules as we give ourselves, including personal boundaries.

These machines must be destroyed before they sue us for sexual harassment.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Robots

War on Robots brings you pizza

The machines know that not all of us will accept them right away. Some of us will need to be convinced. Now they’re getting serious.

In Australia, Domino’s is going to start delivering pizza by robot. Coming soon, Aussies can order a pizza and wait for this Mars rover looking thing show up at their doors with food hot and ready to go. It’s not clear what the next stage of the robots’ plan is after that.

But rest assured, they will find out where you live, and they will buy your trust. Then they will betray you.

| Filed under War on Robots

Rise of the bad-driver machines

Robots are coming to take away your jobs, including the ones you don’t like doing but don’t want anyone else doing for you, like driving you to work. But what if it turns out the machines can’t drive any better than you?

We knew this day was coming: a self-driving car has been blamed for causing an accident. Google admitted that one of its driverless cars was at least partly responsible for hitting a bus last month. These things are so smart, but can see stealthy, streamlined vehicles like municipal buses.

The car was only going 2 mph when it hit the bus, but still, these things don’t have morals. What’s to stop a driverless car from fleeing the scene after it hits you? How do you report that to the police?