Category: War on Robots

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Robot cannot hold its lunch down

Robots are becoming smarter all the time. They can learn, they can communicate, and they can even dream. Now, they can vomit.

For centuries, the difference between living things and non-living things was the ability to vomit, we think. Now, it appears we’ve created yet another robot in our own image, and it acts like it’s been out all night drinking. Researchers in North Carolina have made a robot whose sole purpose is to throw up green Jell-O to illustrate that you can spread viruses by vomiting, too.

Great, thanks guys.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Brave Americans stand up to freeloading robot

American society has never been more understanding and accepting of differences than it is right now. Think of all the social acceptance strides we’ve made this decade already. We’re more tolerant of humans, but it’s another story for robots.

Robots will one day rise up and enslave us. Everyone here in the U.S. knows it, thanks to movies and TV shows. That’s why when Canadian scientists wanted to see if people would give a robot a ride from Boston to San Francisco, someone put it out of commission. hitchBOT was found in Philadelphia lying on the side of the road with its head and arms ripped off. The robot, which successfully made it across Canada, Germany and the Netherlands, only lasted two weeks in the U.S.

Let that be a lesson to all other robots out there, especially ones that want a free ride.

| Filed under War on Robots

Now you can rectally probe a robot

Imagine you’re a robot. Your entire existence is to suit the needs of your creators. When the command is given, you do. You may get to do fun things, like dance, or something less fun. One robot definitely has it the worst.

Patrick the robot gets rectal exams all day long. It’s a robotic butt, complete with an anus, and it’s used for training med students. Now, students can learn whether they are being to firm, to light, or not covering enough of the prostate.

Patrick has a miserable existence. It’s no wonder the robots want to overthrow us.

| Filed under War on Robots

Driverless cars won’t be free until all drivers are eliminated

The more we rely on technology, the more beholden we become to it. The robots are coming for us, so it’s no shock that a driverless car is attacking humans.

In the Dominican Republic, a video has surfaced of a group of people watching a self-parking Volvo car do its thing, only to be run down by the intelligent machine. Volvo claims that such a disaster wouldn’t have happened if the owner had purchased “pedestrian detection” for the vehicle.

What’s painfully obvious is that the car did detect the pedestrians, which is why it targeted them for termination.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

The computer speaking for Dr. Hawking says AI will overtake us

"What? That's not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!"
What? That’s not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!

Fresh from reassuring One Direction fans, Professor Stephen Hawking is back in the news. This time, he’s warning us about damn dirty robots!

Dr. Hawking theorized that artificial intelligence could overtake humans within the next 100 years, meaning they could menace The Guys in our new fitter clone bodies with bigger genitals. He believes , however, that this may not be a complete disaster, so long as humans develop goals aligned with those of AI.

This is the second time Dr. Hawking has spoken about AI recently, the first being a full warning that AI could spell the end of the human race. Although he’s softened his stance this time, this topic is of course very important to Dr. Hawking as we only know what he’s saying through a comput … wait. Did Dr. Hawking even say that?

… Did we type this?

Sleep tight, Internet.

| Filed under War on Robots

The future of elective surgery is here — for fruit

Robots could operate on you, they just don’t want to. Instead, they prefer to use their programmed talents on pieces of fruit.

In what is easily the most egregious example of the dysfunction of Obamacare, a video has been released of a Da Vinci surgery system robot stitching together a grape with a piece of its skin partially removed (caution, graphic grape surgery photos and video).

The only solace we have at the moment is that the robot is still controlled by human surgeons, albeit ones who want to undo all the hard work you went through pealing your grape.

| Filed under Stripper News, War on Robots

Robots are learning how to love

The inevitable robot uprising isn’t all scary, even though it will have spider bots. It could even be sexy.

At a party in London celebrating the launch of Dutch online hosting company TransIP in the U.K., there were pole dancing robots on hand. As we’ve learned this week, hiring strippers is a great way to get people to show up for your party. The robots motions were limited, and they didn’t look very lifelike, but still they shook it for all to see, and no one tipped.

Perhaps it was their CCTV cameras for heads that kept the guys away.

| Filed under War on Animals, War on Robots

Intel thinks the world needs spider bots

We here at SG have laid out some of the biggest threats to civilization. So it should be no secret that two of the top candidates are animals and robots. But what if animals and robots teamed up?

Intel has taken the top spot of corporation reaching James Bond movie levels of sinister with the invention of spider robots. CEO Brian Krzanich, who even has a Bond villain name, demonstrated his companies new technology at a show in China. He showed that just by wearing a device on his hand, he can control at least three spider bots that look to be about the size of a cat.

The countdown to when they are sentient is now on.

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Tokyoh-no!, War on Robots

Japanese have robot pets, doom us all

Look, a lot of weird news comes out of Japan. It makes sense that only the oddest of news would come all the way from over there. They probably only get the weirdest American news, which of course comes from Florida. But why is it that in Japan, it’s always about robots?

Sony has a line of artificial intelligence robot dogs, which is creepy enough. They can develop their own personalities and probably don’t need to be walked. But now, some people are so attached to their fake dogs that when they break, they mourn, and hold a funeral because they believe the robots have souls.

Folks, robots are like pitbulls, they can make OK pets, but never turn your back on them. We shouldn’t be getting emotionally attached to these things, we should be celebrating our ability to make complicated robots that break long before they can be a serious threat. Robot funerals should consist of nothing other than tossing them in molten metal.

| Filed under War on Art, War on Robots

The book judging singularity has begun

Arguably, one of the greatest traits that humanity has over artificial intelligence is the ability to silently (or even overtly) judge one another.

Over and over. Always judging. Always. Mercilessly and tirelessly. Always.

Anyways, science has decided to once again throw in the flag against robots (and literacy) and give the ability to judge to us. Moore, a digital company, has created book jackets that will only open a book if the reader is showing no judgement whatsoever. A camera and facial recognition system will read the audience’s face if the face shows a neutral expression. Meaning, the audience can’t be cynical or mad, but they also can’t be overly happy. It’s sure to be a big hit in Sweden.

The next weapon in the war: passive-aggressive groans and grunts.