It takes balls to get to bottom of Loch Ness
Posted on October 12, 2009
Filed Under WE DID IT!, War on Animals | 2 Comments |
Loch Ness, fabled home to Nessie, an alleged prehistoric monster that occasionally reveals herself to drunk Scotsmen, is home to an historic find: balls. Lots and lots of balls.
No, we don’t mean that she, Nessie, is actually a he, but that we may not be able to find her because locals having been using the Loch for years as a driving range. Thousands of golf balls litter the floor as far out as 300 yards from the beach.
After a constant bombardment of golf balls, and a lake of recent sightings, SeriouslyGuys has the balls evidence to officially declare Nessie dead. Good going, Scots. Maybe you can start hunting down Bigfoots (Bigfeet?).
It’s either that or, if the submarine expeditions can find something as small as golf balls, could it be that the giant dinosaur doesn’t exist?
Written by Rick SneeMaybe old people won’t get hearing AIDS
Posted on September 4, 2009
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, WE DID IT! | Leave a Comment |
Good news, everybody! Researchers have discovered antibodies that keep HIV from evolving into full-blown AIDS.
As we all know, it’s not HIV that kills a person, but the multiplication of the virus that leaves the body unable to fight other infections, like the flu or jock itch. But, you can pretty much live with HIV for the rest of your life (however long that may be).
So, good-bye fear of AIDS! Hello, shared needles!*
*Disclaimer: The Guys don’t share needles without protection. We always inject ourselves through a condom.
Written by Rick SneePandas almost gone, couldn’t have done it without them
Posted on August 19, 2009
Filed Under WE DID IT!, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Congratulations everyone! We did it! According to SCIENCE and crazy people the WWF, we’re now just 2 or 3 more generations away from having one less animal enemy on this planet. That’s right, it would seem that the giant pandas are slowly starting to go the way of the dinosaur and pet rocks.
The pro of this situation: no more “fluffy and cute” pandas mean one less enemy to entrance our own weak-minded human compatriots.
The con of the situation: my dream of having an all panda meat fast food chain grows ever so much more distant.
What’s always interesting to note:
In addition to environmental constraints, the animals’ notoriously low libidos have frustrated efforts to boost their numbers. Breeders have resorted to tactics such as showing them “panda porn” videos of other pandas mating, and putting males through “sexercises” aimed at training up their pelvic and leg muscles for the rigours of copulation.
Remember everyone, part of evolution is weeding out the fat losers who don’t want to mate, or adapt their life in any possible way to prolong their own existence. You’d honestly think by now that the male giant pandas would have broken their “No Fat Chicks” rule, but clearly, not so much.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWe nailed it: Beergate ’09
Posted on July 30, 2009
Filed Under WE DID IT! | Leave a Comment |
In our coverage about the Gates arrest while everyone ignores health care, we made note of President Obama’s invitation to Gates and Crowley to the White House for a beer.
In the comments, we made this prediction:
Rick Snee on July 28th, 2009 11:42 am
This week’s big “political” scandal: is Obama a beer snob? How much are taxpayers paying for special interest brews? Why does Obama support outsourcing American pale ales to India?
You read it here first, folks.
Read it and weep, unbelievers. We’re movers and shakers, baby.
Written by Rick SneeBreaking news of the day
Posted on May 27, 2009
Filed Under WE DID IT! | 1 Comment |
A Hispanic woman was nominated to the Supreme Court. California’s court upheld a ban on same-sex marriage. GM may possibly go out of business this week. North Korea has been shooting off short-range missiles.
None of these headlines compare to the true hot news story: an Alaskan man is now the mustache-iest man in the world.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorNew England strikes another blow against marriage
Posted on May 6, 2009
Filed Under WE DID IT! | Leave a Comment |
To finally answer your nagging question, now it’s legal to gay marry a moose.
Intelligence likely to continue winning
Posted on April 7, 2009
Filed Under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Scurry (Politics), WE DID IT! | Leave a Comment |
WE’RE STILL DOING IT!
About a week or so ago, we at SeriouslyGuys told you about how an asinine proposed law in Utah was squashed right on the cusps of being created. It looks like we have nothing to fear.
Whoever would have thought the recession would aid responsibility?
While the president of Utah’s state senate thinks he could probably get a two-thirds majority in his chamber, he’s not going to take the lead if the state house, which originated the bill, isn’t pushing for a veto. And that seems to be the case. The representative who sponsored the bill sent a letter to his colleagues sticking up for the bill, but not asking explicitly for their support of an override session or their vote in it.
Why so? Because on the back end, there’s a money issue. The legislature had canceled this month’s “interim study day” between sessions, saving about $25,000 in costs related to convening it. Like most states, Utah is pinching every penny where it can. So if the anti-game bill is worth the fight, and it isn’t, they’d have to spend the $25 grand just to take a vote. And then, if it succeeded, spend more taxpayer money in a constitutionally doomed defense of it.
May 11 is the deadline to call such a session. If money’s involved, the cheapest form of legislation will probably win.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorAnother win for intelligence! We did it!
Posted on March 27, 2009
Filed Under Scurry (Politics), WE DID IT! | Leave a Comment |
The big meanies up in Utah decided to create a little thing called HB 353. What is HB 353, other than the worst nightmares of Satan, Hitler and John Lennon all rolled up into one? It’s a video game and movie bill brought about originally by Jack Thompson, in which stiffer fines to video game retailers and movie theaters that gave minors access to games or movies rated above their age level would be added. Also, it’s a giant leap in logic that doesn’t actually look for true accountability (i.e., most parents). So what’s the big hub-bub?
It breezed through the Utah House and Senate by wide margins and it was expected that Governor Jon Huntsman of Utah would back it as well. Not so.
“While protecting children from inappropriate materials is a laudable goal, the language of this bill is so broad that it likely will be struck down by the courts as an unconstitutional violation of the Dormant Commerce Clause and/or the First Amendment,” explained Huntsman. “The industries most affected by this new requirement indicated that rather than risk being held liable under this bill, they would likely choose to no longer issue age appropriate labels on goods and services.
“Therefore, the unintended consequence of the bill would be that parents and children would have no labels to guide them in determining the age appropriateness of the goods or service, thereby increasing children’s potential exposure to something they or their parents would have otherwise determined was inappropriate under the voluntary labeling system now being recognized and embraced by a significant majority of vendors.”
It’s a well known fact that I’m a bit of a major spelling and grammar nazi. Nonetheless, I’ve never been more happy to see sloppy writing. Well, that and some major lobbying by the video game industry. A big and hearty congratulations to everyone who helped knock the bill proposal down. You’ve earned it.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorColorado state senator reads SeriouslyGuys!
Posted on February 26, 2009
Filed Under Sex Sells, WE DID IT! | Leave a Comment |
Republican state Senator Dave Schultheis does not believe that the state of Colorado should require hospitals to test pregnant women for HIV.
Is it because this could be considered some sort of invasion of privacy? No, because the screening is consensual.
Maybe it’s because pregnant women are homos? Not in the good Senator’s world!
How about because the needles used to administer the test could help spread HIV? No, that’ s a little far-fetched.
Or is it because detecting HIV would lead to treatment, giving the benefit of medical care to some unclean whore who caught AIDS? From our pages to Senator Dave’s stupid mouth!
Written by Rick SneeWomen singled out for equal pay
Posted on January 29, 2009
Filed Under Fun Fact, WE DID IT! | 2 Comments |
President Obama signed his first bill today, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, which will grant equal pay, but only to women. Men, we’re sorry to say, will continue to not receive equal pay despite our gender, proving that
- George Orwell was right: some people are created more equally than others.
- Obama hates men.
So, with a stroke of at least 12 pens — Wait, what?
“[...] Mr. Obama signed his name to the bill, using one pen for each letter. ‘I’ve been practicing signing my name very slowly,’ Mr. Obama said wryly, looking at a bank of pens before him. He handed the first pen to the bill’s chief sponsor, Senator Barbara Mikulski, Democrat of Maryland, and the last to Ms. Ledbetter”
Presidents sign their names one letter at a time to hand out souvenirs, slowing down the passage of bills? What happens when there’s an emergency anti-asteroid or -zombie bill where every second counts?
That’s why The Guys are marking the first African-American President signing the first equal pay for women bill with this limited edition President Barack H. Obama Presidential Bill-Signin’ Pen:
Coming soon to the SG Store for the low, low, historic price of $20.09.