NYC travelling window briefly opened and closed

So, you know, fuhgeddaboudit.

New York City managed to have a red letter day, as in no red letters were spelled out in blood on their many sidewalks or studio-apartment hardwood floors. That’s right: New Yorkers managed to not kill each other for an entire 36 consecutive hours, which police are calling “a case of that one Monday.”

Nobody is entirely sure why NYC’s assassins took a Senior Skip Day, but it is part of an overall trend of decreasing violent crime nationwide. Still, for 8 million people who presumably relive Seinfeld every damn day, it’s commendable that not one took a Festivus pole to their group’s George. (Or smelly cat to their Phoebe if you grew up on Friends.)

Of course, like all good things, this, too, had to end. By Tuesday morning, the city’s last nerve was trampled, ending in a good ol’ fashioned shooting. Oh, and Lindsay Lohan slapped somebody.

So, if you’ve been waiting for a safe time to visit the Big Apple, that train has re-derailed. It was a good run, everybody!

Bionic man leaps tall building in at least 1,648 bounds

Zac Vawter just climbed 103 flights of stairs, and, boy, are his servos tired!

Vawter just successfully used a thought-controlled prosthetic leg to complete the SkyRise Chicago fundraising event in Willis Tower. His new limb, designed by various universities and the U.S. Army’s Telemedicine and Advanced Technology Research Center, allowed Vawter to scale 103 flights of stairs with 3,000 other climbers. And, unlike the prosthetics we saw at the Summer Olympics, this one actually moves and reacts to Vawter’s mental commands like a real limb or Luke Skywalker’s hand.

And, maybe next time, they’ll let him take the elevator.

Scalding pizza problem licked

If there’s one thing the Guys love, it’s freshly baked pizza. But, every rose has its thorn and every bagel bite has its scalding tomato sauce, just like how every cowboy sings sad, indecipherable song through stuffed crust and oral blisters.

Jason McConville knows our pain and will eradicate it with his knowledge as a professor of pharmaceutical sciences. He has  modified a breath strip to deliver benzocaine, a common local anesthetic, to the scorched area. He claims that it will help speed up healing, which is already pretty fast in the mouth, and that the strip will not impair your voice as it dissolves.

So, thanks, Dr. McConville, because when pizza’s on a bagel, now we can finally eat pizza any time. Even straight out of the oven.

A win for booze over our Disney overlords

Four over four decades, the Magic Kingdom at Disney World in Florida has stood as a bastion of sobriety. But today, friends, we hoist a glass in victory.

Beer and wine will soon be served at the Happiest Place on Earth, which may now actually live up to it’s name. But let’s not celebrate too early, we still need to open Mickey’s door to our ally, liquor. It only makes sense, what have the pirates of the Caribbean been drinking all this time on their ride of the same name?

Mars Attacked!

It is with joyful elation that we bring you this news from the recently opened front in the War on Aliens: Mars! The Curiosity rover has just vaporized the first rock in what will prove to be the premptive attack that saved our world.

For too long, Mars has haunted our collective imagination, invading us in books and movies over and over again. But, now that we have perfected laser cannons and rocket cranes, we have finally caught up with our dangerous, imaginary foes and will destroy any trace of them should they assume a bacterial form on softball-sized rocks.

Eat our lasers, Red Menace!

U.S. Coast Guard declares war on g-g-ghost pirates

After a long letter-writing campaign by The Guys, it appears the U.S. Coast Guard — or should we say Ghost Guard — is finally taking the ghost pirate menace on our shores seriously.

Our boys in orange sank a Japanese ghost ship, the Ryou-Un Mara or Maru (nobody wanted to get close enough to confirm), off the coast of Alaska after confirming the worst: no living souls aboard. It was determined the most prudent action after a Canadian fishing boat accepted a dare to salvage the ship, but then chickened out, saying, “Like, let’s get out of here, eh?”

The Guys have long maintained that ghosts most often enter our country illegally through our many miles of unguarded coastline and porous borders. By finally putting more boots on the ground and in boats, we can protect our domestic ghost — and ghostbusting — jobs from apparitions willing to haunt abandoned theme parks and manors for less pay.

Old man cancels newspaper subscription, makes news

40 years after The New York Times began publishing the leaked Pentagon Papers, the Gray Lady has set a new milestone in print journalism: finally getting Donald Rumsfeld to cancel his subscription.

Over the past year, the Times has tried cheering for an upcoming torture lawsuit against Rumsfeld, and then panning his autobiography, but they just couldn’t shake him off. It took a column by Paul Krugman — in which he vaguely invoked a sense of shame at how he remembers everything after 9/11 — to finally make the former proponent of DIY body armor become a Post-only man.

This is a bold move considering how most newspapers are bending over backwards to maintain subscriptions. The paper, however, believes it will recoup (and possibly make a tidy profit off of) their loss with Rumsfeld’s newsstand purchases of the paper to maintain his daily dose of outrage.

Why’s the shark gotta be white?

For those of you who have been afraid to step into the ocean in fear of the Great White Shark, it’s over. We got him. He is safely behind glass where he can never hurt you again.

Authorities captured what they describe (according to the art of paraphrasing) as a “juvenile offender” off the coast of Malibu, presumably after some eagle-eyed celebrity used their magic better-than-us powers to spot it. The shark was transferred from the Malibu holding pen to the Monterey Bay Aquatic Penitentiary, where fish and really naughty air-breathing criminals are held until they make parole. Or drown.

Unfortunately, we all know that California’s justice system is equipped with a revolving door. Prison officials have already confirmed that they will release the shark as soon as it begins appearing stressed or taking “aggressive actions toward other inmates” — like Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Our advice is to get your beach on while there’s still time.

Turn-around IS fair play

Warriors, we’re in trouble no more. Last week, a group of troubled Tibetan Buddhists released a number of lobsters back into the water around Massachusetts under the banner of “religion.”

A group of lobstermen (they’re human, not a horrific half arthropod, half man hybrid) then caught the exact number of lobsters that had been released by the kung-fu wielding people: 534.

That’s karma.

Still, it apparently works out for all. The Buddhists were still given credit in the “good column” for their deed, while the lobstermen, heroic already for their tireless job of providing food for people and keeping the waters clean of living atrocities, can now reap the benefits of a catch that will probably net them a tidy little profit. And the lobsters are shown just who’s boss.

Once again, that’s karma.