Chemical colonization of Earth complete!

Look at ’em — getting all high and fat on our chemical brilliance. You’re welcome, Sebastian.

Congratulations, human beings! It only took us 10,000 years, but there is now no place on the face of the Earth that has not been changed by us! From garbage left on the highest summits of our mightiest mountains to now the deepest depths of the ocean, no place can escape our incredible reach. And we learned the latter because we’ve colonized the Mariana Trench with polychlorinated biphenyls.

Scientists discovered the PCBs in amphipods — shrimplike crustaceans —  brought back to the surface. Not only did we find our chemicals inside of them (free of charge), but at higher levels than in similar crustaceans found in polluted Chinese waters. So, we’re crushing it even harder as a species than we knew was even possible.

What’s even more exciting is that we didn’t even discover PCBs until 1865 or start using them until 1881. So, did we say 10,000 years? Because we meant 136, bee-yotch! The Industrial Revolution is still winning the War on Animals!

Now we just need to find life on another planet and beat that time!

Good news: NFL cured breast cancer?

Unfortunately, nobody could tell that the Colts were raising awareness for colorectal cancer by wearing blue and playing with their heads up their asses.

It appears that the Era of Pink NFL Octobers is drawing to a close. Since 2009, the NFL claims to have raised $15 million dollars for the American Cancer Society by selling pink merchandise, which their players market by wearing on field. But, now the league will allow teams to choose which cancer they will observe and fund-raise for during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Some teams may choose to keep the “breast” in Breast Cancer Awareness Month and wear pink in October. Others may choose colors to raise money for cancers that only affect the coach or team directly or even change from year-to-year based on which cancer is really popular these days. But, it must be during October and not during the appropriate month for such things, like … oh, we don’t know … testicular and prostate cancer in November?

The important thing here is that the NFL doesn’t focus too much time or energy on any one fatal, life-ruining ailment.

12 ounce curls with a dose of brotein

If only there was a little Dutch courage in Little Miss Muffet's curds and whey. Then she'd have shown that spider a thing or two for manspreadin.
If only there was a little Dutch courage in Little Miss Muffet’s curds and whey. Then she’d have shown that spider a thing or two for manspreadin.

The Guys are divided on working out. On the one hand, we all know that big muscles are the secret to comedy, as we learned from Joe Piscopo. But on the other, we’re pretty sure that building gut-busting six-pack abs will get in the way of our drinking.

Fortunately, bro science has developed a beer with whey protein — that’s the dairy run-off that farmers used to throw out and now sell with a 1000% mark-up at GNC. Brewtein will contain 7 grams of whey, which its makers claim is the most protein in any beer on the market. They also have a lower carb version called Nutribeer, which should absolutely not trigger any FTC alarms about false claims at all.

Both contain as much alcohol as your standard Budweiser, so to everyone except your beer snob uncle, they’re real beers. By adding whey, which usually results in … ahem, urgent toiletry, bro science has finally raised the bar for beer sh*ts.

USA! USA! USA!

‘Happy Birthday’ free to you (but you still live in a zoo)

It's less training to sing "Happy Birthday to You," but the wait staff still hates you, Birthday Boy.
It’s less training to sing “Happy Birthday to You,” but the wait staff still hates you, Birthday-Boy-Over-Age-of-10.

People in family-style restaurants: rejoice! You’ll never have to hear annoying call-and-refrain alternate birthday songs while holding down some variation of jalapeño popper again. The 80 year copyright on the words to the “Happy Birthday to You” song is over.

Federal Judge George H. King ruled that nobody owns the words to the song, just a particular piano arrangement that was originally copyrighted in 1935. Warner Music, which obtained the copyright through purchases in 1988, had collected over $2 million a year by forcing movies, television, stage productions and even chain restaurants to pay royalties for performing it. (The latter was considered profiting off of the song, even though it’s more of a congratulations to anyone who survived another year of eating at Chili’s.)

So, get ready for a lot of television shows to have birthday episodes this fall. It’s about time Bart Simpson turned 11, anyway.

Hurricanes defeated via butterflies

Once we undo to the Butterfly Effect, there's no way nature would be so cruel as to redo it with an even worse cast.
Once we undo to the Butterfly Effect, there’s no way nature would be so cruel as to redo it with an even worse cast.

It’s important to remember that, in the War on Animals, there are no small foes, only small animal warriors. (Don’t stop injecting mice with Silly Putty just because you’re saving up for that big shootin’ safari to darkest Africa.) In fact, based on the science of Ashton Kutcher movies, we understand that some of these tinier animal menaces are responsible for some serious human death tolls and property damage. So, that’s why we’re excited to announce that butterflies are on the ropes in the UK.

Our industrial activity has warmed up merry old England so much that butterflies on that side of the world are dying off and expected to be extinct by 2050. And once those butterflies stop flapping over there, this side of the world will become hurricane-free (except for the ones we drink, of course).

Meanwhile, so long as we keep our butterflies under control on this side of the pond, we can continue throwing hurricanes at human foes like terrorists and hot Italian guys who steal our girlfriends. (Arrivederci, Giuseppe!)

Yes, a world without British butterflies will be a glorious time for America, especially for dating. Welcome to the future: a world where “second base” doesn’t involve eyelashes if you know what we mean.

This is the dawning of the age of the anthropocene

Welcome to the Anthropocene Period, where the entire world is our termite mound. Woo!
Welcome to the Anthropocene Period, where the entire world is our termite mound. Woo!

Get out your hippie skirts and aerosol cans: it’s time to dance amongst the tree trunks in deforested plains and skinny dip in the aquatic dead zones. We’re celebrating because this is the dawning of the age of the Anthropocence, age of the Anthropocene. Anthropo-ceeeeeeeeene! An-throoooo-po-ceeeeeeeeeeene!

The American Association for the Advancement of Science, along with astronaut and associate administrator for science at NASA John Grunsfeld, have coined the term for our current era. It is based on the period of time where humanity has directly impacted the climate, ozone, nitrogen and phosphorous cycles, oceans, endocrine disruptors and forests — all of which is now observable from space.

So, congratulations, humans! We’ve made our mark! Eat it, Holocene Period! You can go pound sedentary with those loser Pleistocenes!

Virginia is for bachelors

"What? We're not married anymore. Get the net."
“What? We’re not married anymore. Get the net.”

Hey, just in case you forgot: today is Valentine’s Day. So, you’d better dig your car out of the ice and snow, get to the store and pick out the best of what’s left of flowers and cards at the grocery store or you will be divorced — f*cking di-vorced (NSFW) — by sundown.

Unless you’re in Virginia. A federal judge has thoughtfully destroyed all marriage in the commonwealth by ruling that the Marshall-Newman Amendment — the 2006 state constitutional amendment that defines it as solely being between a man and a woman and bans any form of same-sex marriage — is federally unconstitutional.

So, kick back and relax, men. Because if U.S. District Judge Arenda Wright Allen’s ruling is upheld on appeal, you’ll legally have to marry a dude. That’s how laws work.

Angry Christians will now have to resort to religious iconography and braces to avoid having to suck a d*ck.
Homophobic Virginia Christians will now have to resort to religious iconography and braces to avoid having to suck a d*ck.

The long, dark, slithering nightmare is over

Folks, you can breathe easy again.

After almost 13 long, tortuous months, Florida is safe once more. A python just over eighteen feet in length was killed in Miami. Pythonius Rex’s slayer? A hero by the name of Bobby Hill.

I think we can now put the 2013 Python Challenge to rest. Some of you might say that we could have put the 2013 Python Challenge to rest at the end of December 31st, 2013. To those of you, we say this: vigilance never ends.

Lamest adults in the U.S. have officially been found

It’s been a long and arduous search, but ladies and gentlemen, we did it. From the honkiest sections of Idaho to the meth-filled sections of Florida, we’ve finally pinpointed the lamest adults ever. Those that forgot their time as kids, those that pimped out their childhood, those that sold out their memories.

Welcome to Henderson, Nevada. Inside the town you’ll find people that gave pistachio nuts, precut apple slices and stickers to kids for Halloween. Not Crunch bars, not Reese’s Cups, not even Smarties. Health Food. You people are the worst.

FOX5 Fun Fact: Surprisingly, most kids eschew healthful snacks on Halloween.

SeriouslyGuys Fun Fact: Not all pictures need to be captioned with obvious information.

Blame properly assigned to the correct party in the wrong

It’s taken us MULTIPLE years, but by God, we finally did it!

A spider is officially the wrongful cause and party in a traffic accident!

That’s not just SG giving you the good work. No, Pennsylvania State Police are saying that a spider distracted driver Alek Tarr while he was behind the wheel of a 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix (side note: nothing good ever happens in a Pontiac Grand Prix). The arachnid, presumably trying to assassinate Tarr for some reason or another, was spotted, causing Tarr to take the car off the road and eventually spin out of control. Somehow, both Tarr and his passenger made it out of the crash without an injury. If there’s any justice on this planet, the spider will have made it out of the accident unhurt as well, if only so that it can have its day in court.