Category: WE DID IT!

Extinction only a hop, skip and jump away

Thanks to all those exhibitionists eating frog legs on dares, numerous frog species are now facing possible extinction.

It’s not from just the sheer number eaten–although that alone nearly wiped out frogs in India and Bangladesh back in those crazy, tasteless 1980s. Bullfrogs imported from Indonesia, China, Vietnam, Taiwan and Mexico carry chrytid fungus, which kills any native species they encounter.

Animal warriors, we’ve won this round, just so long as nobody figures out that there are easier animals to harvest that carry more meat and taste even more like chicken. (We’re talking about bunny rabbits, of course.)

21st Century slated to deliver all of 20th’s promises

In 2008, Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy.

2011: Duke Nukem Forever.

And now, slated for 2012: Lucasfilm will finally release George Lucas’ World War II dream project, Red Tails. Always the “next movie” Lucas promised after every turd that came out since 1988, Red Tails is the story of the Tuskegee Airman, the first African American fighter squadron and also holders of a near-perfect escort record.

What’s next? Flash Gordon 2? Maybe our uncles will finally get us the bikes they promised us for letting them watch us bathe.

Victory is the sweetest taste of all

Chalk up another win for the food police of Vermont. Who knew hippies could be so stubborn? Starting February 1, McDonald’s customers in the state will be able to request 100 percent real maple syrup with their Fruit and Maple Oatmeal, after the Vermont Agency of Agriculture (VAA) called the company out for using the term maple in its advertising earlier this month.

Remember, there is no actual maple product in the menu item, which is kind of a violation of Vermont’s strict maple law.

Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin said that the only maple ingredient found in the Fruit and Maple Oatmeal was extracted from the bark of a bush that is a distant relative of the maple tree. That didn’t sit well with state officials, who immediately contacted McDonald’s about the sweet stuff.

For you eaters outside of Vermont, getting real maple syrup in your oatmeal remains a DIY-project. This settlement applies only to Vermont locations. Grrr.

Boehner solves global warming!

Were you worried about climate change, man-made or not? Well, then does soon-to-be House Speaker John Boehner have good news for you: he’s fixed it.

That’s right: the problem that would have destroyed our economy, killed off the elderly and children and made us all considerably stinkier? Boehner took care of it; don’t you worry your pretty little head.

How, you ask? The same way we stopped school bullying: by ignoring it.

Take THAT, mythical monsters!

For years, people have been wondering about the urban legend of the Lancaster Boa. It’s foiled cryptozoologists left and right, as no one has been able to find pictures of it. You wouldn’t believe the number of citizens in California that have plagued by this beast.

But no longer! We’ve now caught it! No longer will you rampage through the cars of people, evil reptilian monster.

*Pssst*

*Pssst*

What’s that? Wait, what do you mean? It doesn’t exist? There is no Lancaster Boa? I’m just making it up?

>.>

<.<

…..Gotta go…..

We won!

Folks, smoke ’em if you got ’em, it’s celebrating time.

Fidel Castro, the once-fearsome leader of communist Cuba, has declared that communism no longer works. Like it ever did. We’re serious here, Castro said the Cuban form of communism doesn’t work anymore. Basically, that means we won the embargo. Eat it, commies!

Remember this day, proud Americans. This is a day such as we have not seen since the fall of the Berlin Wall, and Pepsi’s not there to exploit it this time (yet). Any day now, they Cuban government is going to ask the U.S. Army to take a symbolic run up San Juan Hill and plant the American flag. Rum and cigars for everyone!

It takes balls to get to bottom of Loch Ness

Actual illustration of the crime scene from local authorities.Loch Ness, fabled home to Nessie, an alleged prehistoric monster that occasionally reveals herself to drunk Scotsmen, is home to an historic find: balls. Lots and lots of balls.

No, we don’t mean that she, Nessie, is actually a he, but that we may not be able to find her because locals having been using the Loch for years as a driving range. Thousands of golf balls litter the floor as far out as 300 yards from the beach.

After a constant bombardment of golf balls, and a lake of recent sightings, SeriouslyGuys has the balls evidence to officially declare Nessie dead. Good going, Scots. Maybe you can start hunting down Bigfoots (Bigfeet?).

It’s either that or, if the submarine expeditions can find something as small as golf balls, could it be that the giant dinosaur doesn’t exist?

Maybe old people won’t get hearing AIDS

Flicking is commonly known as "The Italian Goodbye."

Good news, everybody! Researchers have discovered antibodies that keep HIV from evolving into full-blown AIDS.

As we all know, it’s not HIV that kills a person, but the multiplication of the virus that leaves the body unable to fight other infections, like the flu or jock itch. But, you can pretty much live with HIV for the rest of your life (however long that may be).

So, good-bye fear of AIDS! Hello, shared needles!*

*Disclaimer: The Guys don’t share needles without protection. We always inject ourselves through a condom.

Pandas almost gone, couldn’t have done it without them

Congratulations everyone! We did it! According to SCIENCE and crazy people the WWF, we’re now just 2 or 3 more generations away from having one less animal enemy on this planet. That’s right, it would seem that the giant pandas are slowly starting to go the way of the dinosaur and pet rocks.

The pro of this situation: no more “fluffy and cute” pandas mean one less enemy to entrance our own weak-minded human compatriots.

The con of the situation: my dream of having an all panda meat fast food chain grows ever so much more distant.

What’s always interesting to note:

In addition to environmental constraints, the animals’ notoriously low libidos have frustrated efforts to boost their numbers. Breeders have resorted to tactics such as showing them “panda porn” videos of other pandas mating, and putting males through “sexercises” aimed at training up their pelvic and leg muscles for the rigours of copulation.

Remember everyone, part of evolution is weeding out the fat losers who don’t want to mate, or adapt their life in any possible way to prolong their own existence. You’d honestly think by now that the male giant pandas would have broken their “No Fat Chicks” rule, but clearly, not so much.

We nailed it: Beergate ’09

In our coverage about the Gates arrest while everyone ignores health care, we made note of President Obama’s invitation to Gates and Crowley to the White House for a beer.

In the comments, we made this prediction:

Rick Snee on July 28th, 2009 11:42 am

This week’s big “political” scandal: is Obama a beer snob? How much are taxpayers paying for special interest brews? Why does Obama support outsourcing American pale ales to India?

You read it here first, folks.

Read it and weep, unbelievers. We’re movers and shakers, baby.