Water is wet, grass is green and movies about DC Comics characters (mostly, since 1989’s Batman) suck. Ever since DC/Warner Bros. hitched its wagon to Zack Snyder, with his own record of producing cool screen savers with dumb stories, its movies have been one gritty, forgettable misfire (at best) after another. And now that critics mostly agree that Suicide Squad is yet another less-edgy-than-it-thinks adaptation of a DC comic, fans of said comics have had it. They’ve organized and written a petition.
Not DC or WB for repeatedly letting them down before and since The Dark Knight. Not even specific critics who repeatedly hate terrible movies in a genre that everybody loves right now, as wrong-sighted as that would be. No, they’re taking action (well, as much action as signing an online petition can be considered “action”) against the site that collects those reviews and averages their scores.
In other news, fans of the as-of-yet unseen Suicide Squad are also suing their bathroom scales for not showing them the results they wanted to see.
Between invading and annexing other countries and launching cyber-attacks to rig our elections, you’d think Russian President Vladimir Putin would be too busy to make a stand for civil rights. And you’d be wrong, because — when the International Olympics Committee enforced their ban on nearly the entire Russian track and field team for systematically and flagrantly covering up performance enhancing drug use — Putin stood up for the little guy.
Putin called the IOC’s decision to ban everyone in the Russian track and field system from the 2016 Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil “discrimination.”
‘We can’t accept indiscriminate disqualification of our athletes with an absolutely clean doping history,’ Putin said. ‘We cannot and will not accept what in fact is pure discrimination.’
Putin’s right: the Russian government worked hard to make sure that all of their athletes had a clean doping history. It’s not fair to those who followed his government’s rules of doping without getting caught that they should have to stay home with the f*ck-ups who got caught.
This is pure discrimination against good guys on drugs, who are the only ones who can catch up with and stop bad guys on drugs, thanks to the modern athletic field. Pharmaceutical-Russians (and Pharmaceutical-Americans for that matter) are people, people who were born to not be afraid of needles or consequences. We can’t punish them for their very nature to overcome nature.
This will allow Oral Roberts to not only keep their Christian soldiers onward and in shape, but also help enforce existing policies on gender separation, sexual orientation, clothing and church attendance.
For instance, now they’ll know if your heart rate increases at all hours of the night or in shared spaces with the opposite gender. So, you’d better think about baseball during those weird Christian side-hugs.
If it seems to you that breasts and church would go hand-in-hand — both support nurturing babies, receive paper money and get inordinate attention when they wander too far into the public eye — you would be remiss in the city and county of Coshocton, Ohio: home of an ongoing feud between New Beginning Ministries and the Foxhole North strip club.
NBM has regularly picketed Foxhole North on Fridays. In response, the owner and dancers have occasionally attended Sunday services at NBM topless. Seems like a win-win, right?
So, are they for or against picketing? (Our guess: for when doing it, against when done to them.) And, without the very real threat of boobs in their church, now how will they compete with the NFL for attendance?
As a business, the Washington Redskins have a … unique relationship with numbers. They’re obsessed with the numbers ranging from 1982 through 1991, which was the last era they mattered. Then there’s the number 20, or the alleged number of years you have to wait on a list for season tickets; meanwhile, the number of available seats isn’t readily available because the team is covering them up with weird boxes now. They used to love the number 3: three Super Bowl victories and RGIII; but before Joe Thiesman could change his name to Joe Threesman, the number’s been ruined by going 3 and 13 in 2013 and only slightly improved to 4 and 12 last year.
And now, they’re claiming 7.8 billion unique visitors to articles about last years training camp — only slightly outnumbering the entire Earth’s population by a measly 600 million people. (Perhaps owner Dan Snyder has provided WiFi to previously uncounted hunter-gatherer tribes in the remote corners of the planet?) They also claimed to raise media coverage (and then, somehow, revenue) for the city of Richmond by over $76 million dollars just by moving their training camp there, which may explain why some of the defensive line looked so sluggish last year — that’s a lot of fancy dinners at local restaurants.
With off-the-field numbers like that, we can only assume the Redskins’ poll of Native American support for their team name is equally as believable.
We’re in a desperate war against animals, but the greatest enemy in the war may not actually be an animal, but a two-legged beast of sorts: white people who love to accept all cultures until some aspect of one that they randomly discover makes them shriek and then they spaz the eff out.
An Asian market in California has been selling raccoons, considered a delicacy in China. As they’re frozen, bagged and sold, it can reasonably be assumed that they are properly cleaned. That train of logic means nothing to one white woman, popping into the store to presumably shop (and perhaps show how culturally inclusive she is), discovered the frozen raccoons and has now made a ruckus of the product. Are the raccoons legal to sell?
CBS2 contacted a number of local agencies, including the LA County District Attorney’s office. However, none of them were immediately able to say whether selling raccoons as food was legal or not.
Who knows and who cares? Raccoons are vicious, contagion-bearing monsters. Less of them means less problems in the war.
So, a man, upset with his ex-girlfriend, proceeded to mail 15 live chicks to her. He can legally do that. Somehow. He’s being labeled as creepy, which really is a bit of overreaction. He’s not creepy, he’s simply slightly inconsiderate. The guy actually should have turned them into chicken nuggets before shipping the beasts off to her.
If anything, this proves a giant crime perpetrated among the human race. If I ship anything alcoholic, from a cheap, dollar airplane bottle of hooch to a fine scotch, no matter how safely and securely I package the bottle, I’m breaking the law and am a criminal. Meanwhile, our enemies, the animals, can be shipped all over the country, poop in their shipping box and not be labeled criminals?
Our tax dollars can pay for animal poop going around the country? That’s not right.