Category: What a Reach!

| Posted in War on Education, What a Reach!

Because white people are dumb and easily confused

A Las Vegas woman has jumped into the spotlight because tourists are dumb. The owner of Isis Artistry, a makeup store, shares a name in common with the Islamic group. Because the memory of dumb people has only a four month capacity, people assume that the Isis in Isis Artistry is the same as ISIS.

As opposed to Isis.

Or Isis.

Or Isis.

| Posted in Scurry '16, What a Reach!

Perry: Not a king, so not guilty?

"Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow he divine right of kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests."
“Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow The Divine Right of Kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests.

Lawyers for Texas Gov. Rick Perry began court proceedings with an interesting argument to dismiss charges of abuse of power: he couldn’t have done it because he’s not a king or emperor.

A Texas Governor is not Augustus traversing his realm with a portable mint and an imperial treasure in tow; he no more has custody or possession of the State’s general revenue funds than does any Texan. No governor can say of his or her state what the Sun King said of France: ‘L’etat c’est moi.’

Case closed. If the crown does not fit, then you must acquit.

In other news, it looks like former King Robert and Queen Maureen McDonnell — first of their names — of Virginia will probably not eat much cake in prison for their abuses of power.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, What a Reach!

One question to spot lazy psychologists

"Confident? Definitely. Self-conscious? Sure. Vain? Maybe. But a narcissist? I'm not the Internet's favorite monster aside from extroverts and cable company executives."
“Confident? Definitely. Self-conscious? Sure. Vain? Maybe. But a narcissist? I’m not the Internet’s favorite monster aside from extroverts and cable company executives.”

If the goal of all progress is efficiency, then researchers from Ohio State University have managed to improve narcissism diagnosis rates by 1000 percent without getting up from your matching Barcalounger/fainting couch combo.

To reach a diagnosis of narcissism, apparently all you have to do now is ask a narcissist is if they’re a narcissist. And, if you’re a narcissist, then you’ll answer affirmatively because, well, why wouldn’t you be?

There are only two flaws to this theory. One, if a narcissist associates narcissism with being a self-absorbed douche and, because they’re so nice and awesome, would never call themselves that. And two, if someone is worried about thinking they’re too vain and self-obsessed because they were raised to believe that mirrors are just ocular masturbation, then they might shame/WebMD-diagnose themselves as narcissistic.

But the better question to ask is why even ask in the first place if narcissism is so obvious?

| Posted in What a Reach!

Woman selling shoes decides to play the Stupid or Liar game

Let’s set the mood.

5 years ago, 3 million dollars worth of Nike shoes went missing. Vanished without a trace.

Recently, thousands upon thousands of pairs of shoes were found in the front lawn of a Radcliff, Kentucky woman’s house, strewn about the grass and sidewalk. The saleswoman claims that she bought the shoes off of another woman at the generous and not alarming at all price of 5 dollars a pair. Despite this, the Kentucky lady claims she had no idea they were stolen.

Nike obviously decided to make sure the idea was brought to her attention, as the entire lot of shoes (well, the ones not sold) were confiscated.

You’re welcome, Robert Stack’s corpse.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Prop. to stop Hop On Pop flops

Canada, you’ve gone too far and you need to keep your citizens in check. It was good that you voted to retain “Hop On Pop” after a complaint from someone that it “promotes violence against fathers” but it should’ve never gotten to that point. Educate your people! To censor the Seuss is an act that can only be justified by swift takeover from the people below you … and I’m not talking about Mexico.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Spread the golden, glistening idol on your toast

People, we’ll be honest: we’re so confused here.

For Easter, Erie County Executive Mark Poloncarz made a massively controversial yet understanding action and spared a butter lamb.

That would be a lamb. Made out of butter.

Poloncarz decreed that the sculpture would escape the tyranny that is Easter dinner. Are butter sculptures real things that are done outside of state fairs? And where does someone get enough butter to make a kneeling lamb?

| Posted in What a Reach!

Weenies win out over efficacy thanks to bureaucracy

Littering is bad. It’s a dumb crime to commit and aids no one. There are SO MANY BETTER, much cooler crimes than could be committed, but when people throw their trash into the street or the forests, that’s just dumb. Dummies. No one got laid by throwing their Hardee’s cup out the window.

Laurens, a city in South Carolina, managed to have fantastic signs put up that communicates why you shouldn’t litter that even people traveling at high speeds can figure out. So of course, a group of weenies are hurt and offended by the signs.

One of the signs, which reads “Don’t litter, Jack***, that means you!” and has a picture of a donkey, was taken down after being deemed inappropriate. Councilmember Sylvia Douglas perceived

“it as a bullying technique.”

So what’s a fine, taking someone’s lunch money?

| Posted in Sex Sells, What a Reach!

Throwing money at your problems

"And just to really make sure nobody sees them again, here I am in an AP shot with one of the shirts folded titties out."
“And just to really make sure nobody sees them again, here I am in an AP photo with one of the shirts folded titties out.”

When Judy Cox found indecent t-shirts at a PacSun store, she did what The Guys would do: buy them all. Except, rather than wear as many as possible and then donate the rest to children with parental locks on their Internet access, she spent over $550 to protect her town — including her 18-year-old son — from the sight of scantily dressed womens.

Now unsure what to do, she thinks she might return them on day 59 of the store’s 60 day return policy. Which means they’ll be on display again, along with the 19 shirts the store ordered to restock. That is a victory for … well, nobody. Certainly not for her son, who will now surely be connected to the story as the tender legal adult who was publicly wank-blocked by his mom while shopping with her for clothes.

To be fair, we don’t think too clearly when we see boobs on a t-shirt, either.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics), What a Reach!

Politics is weird

Let’s be honest: The Guys don’t understand political campaign tactics. While we understand the need to promote yourself, attacking your opponent has always struck us as a move that makes you a lot less classy than you’d like to come across as. Especially if you’re displaying people that you don’t like (kind of) in the nude.

Also, while we’re no James Carvilles, I’m pretty sure that mixing your metaphors isn’t for the best:

‘It’s was a play on words,’ Mozena explains.’We are accountable to the government in so many ways, whether it’s the IRS, and now with our healthcare. I’m just asking them to bend over now and show us their finances.’

No one wants to see any council person’s finances. Or their tuchus.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Nike: enemy of the pimp

Portland has earned its name as being one of the most annoying cities in the country. It’s hippy-dippy, organic to the max, with socio-liberal-trans-illumi-funda-national feelings being promoted all throughout the year. I don’t even know what I just wrote, but I bet Portland does.

Portland even had a pimp. A pimp! How quaint is that? Sirgiorgiro Clardy, a man serving a 100-year sentence for a massively brutal attack, has had a realization: it’s not necessarily his fault that he stomped a man, nearly to death. It’s Nike’s fault for making a shoe that can double as a weapon.

Clardy seeks, via a lawsuit, a warning label be attached to all of their potentially dangerous merchandise. Might we suggest the same be attributed to

  • Sony — those PS3s and PS4s aren’t getting any lighter.
  • Tupperware — when was the last time you saw one of them break?
  • North Face — time to strangle a person, right?