Category: What a Reach!

| Posted in Pirates, What a Reach!

Iran halts flogging, declares morale improved

Iranians be not so different from ye and me, in that we all become violent from too many listenings to "Happy."
Iranians be not so different from ye and me, in that we all secretly side with John Lithgow’s character in Footloose after too many listenings to “Happy.”

The Iranian government dropped charrrges against seven young lads and lasses fer making an “obscene video clip that offended the public morals and was released in cyberspace.” If ye be wonderin’ just what the little blighters were up to in said video, they were dancing to Pharrell Williams’ song “Happy.”

Six were originally sentenced to six months in prison and 91 lashes, and the seventh to  one year in addition to the lashings. However, all seven publicly apologized and promised t’ never again be lured into making what a Tehran police chief called a “vulgar clip that hurt public chastity.”

So, let this be a lesson to ye young Iranians: the floggings will cease when morale improves — improvement being from “Happy” to gruelingly chaste.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Taco Bell customers are still the worst

How many of you have seen Falling Down? In one scene in the movie, Michael Douglas’ character is just late enough to a McDonald’s that they’ve switched from their breakfast menu to their lunch menu. Douglas proceeds to shoot into the ceiling with a machine gun he has on hand (you have to see the movie) while venting his frustration. The point is that the guy, despite may having a bad day, is an a-hole for doing such a thing. It’s just a McMuffin.

Taco Bell customers are just the same, if not worse (warning: autoplay). In Tucson this past weekend, because of a woman’s order, the menu switched from breakfast to lunch menu. This infuriated the couple in the drive-thru behind her. They proceeded to hunt her down, scream obscenities at her and attack her.

No matter what Taco Bell says, their food is not worth the meat paste gun it’s caulked out of, much less worth coming to blows over. It’s still horrible food.

| Posted in War on Education, What a Reach!

Because white people are dumb and easily confused

A Las Vegas woman has jumped into the spotlight because tourists are dumb. The owner of Isis Artistry, a makeup store, shares a name in common with the Islamic group. Because the memory of dumb people has only a four month capacity, people assume that the Isis in Isis Artistry is the same as ISIS.

As opposed to Isis.

Or Isis.

Or Isis.

| Posted in Scurry '16, What a Reach!

Perry: Not a king, so not guilty?

"Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow he divine right of kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests."
“Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow The Divine Right of Kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests.

Lawyers for Texas Gov. Rick Perry began court proceedings with an interesting argument to dismiss charges of abuse of power: he couldn’t have done it because he’s not a king or emperor.

A Texas Governor is not Augustus traversing his realm with a portable mint and an imperial treasure in tow; he no more has custody or possession of the State’s general revenue funds than does any Texan. No governor can say of his or her state what the Sun King said of France: ‘L’etat c’est moi.’

Case closed. If the crown does not fit, then you must acquit.

In other news, it looks like former King Robert and Queen Maureen McDonnell — first of their names — of Virginia will probably not eat much cake in prison for their abuses of power.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, What a Reach!

One question to spot lazy psychologists

"Confident? Definitely. Self-conscious? Sure. Vain? Maybe. But a narcissist? I'm not the Internet's favorite monster aside from extroverts and cable company executives."
“Confident? Definitely. Self-conscious? Sure. Vain? Maybe. But a narcissist? I’m not the Internet’s favorite monster aside from extroverts and cable company executives.”

If the goal of all progress is efficiency, then researchers from Ohio State University have managed to improve narcissism diagnosis rates by 1000 percent without getting up from your matching Barcalounger/fainting couch combo.

To reach a diagnosis of narcissism, apparently all you have to do now is ask a narcissist is if they’re a narcissist. And, if you’re a narcissist, then you’ll answer affirmatively because, well, why wouldn’t you be?

There are only two flaws to this theory. One, if a narcissist associates narcissism with being a self-absorbed douche and, because they’re so nice and awesome, would never call themselves that. And two, if someone is worried about thinking they’re too vain and self-obsessed because they were raised to believe that mirrors are just ocular masturbation, then they might shame/WebMD-diagnose themselves as narcissistic.

But the better question to ask is why even ask in the first place if narcissism is so obvious?

| Posted in What a Reach!

Woman selling shoes decides to play the Stupid or Liar game

Let’s set the mood.

5 years ago, 3 million dollars worth of Nike shoes went missing. Vanished without a trace.

Recently, thousands upon thousands of pairs of shoes were found in the front lawn of a Radcliff, Kentucky woman’s house, strewn about the grass and sidewalk. The saleswoman claims that she bought the shoes off of another woman at the generous and not alarming at all price of 5 dollars a pair. Despite this, the Kentucky lady claims she had no idea they were stolen.

Nike obviously decided to make sure the idea was brought to her attention, as the entire lot of shoes (well, the ones not sold) were confiscated.

You’re welcome, Robert Stack’s corpse.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Prop. to stop Hop On Pop flops

Canada, you’ve gone too far and you need to keep your citizens in check. It was good that you voted to retain “Hop On Pop” after a complaint from someone that it “promotes violence against fathers” but it should’ve never gotten to that point. Educate your people! To censor the Seuss is an act that can only be justified by swift takeover from the people below you … and I’m not talking about Mexico.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Spread the golden, glistening idol on your toast

People, we’ll be honest: we’re so confused here.

For Easter, Erie County Executive Mark Poloncarz made a massively controversial yet understanding action and spared a butter lamb.

That would be a lamb. Made out of butter.

Poloncarz decreed that the sculpture would escape the tyranny that is Easter dinner. Are butter sculptures real things that are done outside of state fairs? And where does someone get enough butter to make a kneeling lamb?

| Posted in What a Reach!

Weenies win out over efficacy thanks to bureaucracy

Littering is bad. It’s a dumb crime to commit and aids no one. There are SO MANY BETTER, much cooler crimes than could be committed, but when people throw their trash into the street or the forests, that’s just dumb. Dummies. No one got laid by throwing their Hardee’s cup out the window.

Laurens, a city in South Carolina, managed to have fantastic signs put up that communicates why you shouldn’t litter that even people traveling at high speeds can figure out. So of course, a group of weenies are hurt and offended by the signs.

One of the signs, which reads “Don’t litter, Jack***, that means you!” and has a picture of a donkey, was taken down after being deemed inappropriate. Councilmember Sylvia Douglas perceived

“it as a bullying technique.”

So what’s a fine, taking someone’s lunch money?

| Posted in Sex Sells, What a Reach!

Throwing money at your problems

"And just to really make sure nobody sees them again, here I am in an AP shot with one of the shirts folded titties out."
“And just to really make sure nobody sees them again, here I am in an AP photo with one of the shirts folded titties out.”

When Judy Cox found indecent t-shirts at a PacSun store, she did what The Guys would do: buy them all. Except, rather than wear as many as possible and then donate the rest to children with parental locks on their Internet access, she spent over $550 to protect her town — including her 18-year-old son — from the sight of scantily dressed womens.

Now unsure what to do, she thinks she might return them on day 59 of the store’s 60 day return policy. Which means they’ll be on display again, along with the 19 shirts the store ordered to restock. That is a victory for … well, nobody. Certainly not for her son, who will now surely be connected to the story as the tender legal adult who was publicly wank-blocked by his mom while shopping with her for clothes.

To be fair, we don’t think too clearly when we see boobs on a t-shirt, either.