Category: What a Reach!

| Filed under War on Animals, What a Reach!

Wartime enemies highlight the double standard of the USPS

So, a man, upset with his ex-girlfriend, proceeded to mail 15 live chicks to her. He can legally do that. Somehow. He’s being labeled as creepy, which really is a bit of overreaction. He’s not creepy, he’s simply slightly inconsiderate. The guy actually should have turned them into chicken nuggets before shipping the beasts off to her.

If anything, this proves a giant crime perpetrated among the human race. If I ship anything alcoholic, from a cheap, dollar airplane bottle of hooch to a fine scotch, no matter how safely and securely I package the bottle, I’m breaking the law and am a criminal. Meanwhile, our enemies, the animals, can be shipped all over the country, poop in their shipping box and not be labeled criminals?

Our tax dollars can pay for animal poop going around the country? That’s not right.

| Filed under What a Reach!

At least he doesn’t obfuscate his feelings

Comment cards? No. Speaking to a manager? Nuh-uh. Taking an online survey? Nope. Yelp reviews? As if.

No, truly the most effective way to voice your displeasure with a company is dumping pounds (as in plural) of nails down the toilets of their local stores and then flushing the toilet. Surprisingly enough, the effect is not at all like a lit cherry bomb being flushed down a toilet.

People in Minneapolis, I know it’s cold, but yeesh, you don’t have to act that cold.

| Filed under What a Reach!

You’re both pretty, gentlemen

"Would ya just watch the hair? Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you pull it. He pulls my hair." -- Richard Sherman on the Monday Night Fever fiasco.
“Would ya just watch the hair? Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you pull it. He pulls my hair.” — Richard Sherman on the Monday Night Fever fiasco.

Richard Sherman, cornerback for the Seattle Seahawks, alleged that Washington Redskins wide receiver, Pierre Garcon, pulled his luxurious dreadlocks during their Monday Night Football match. Sherman later pulled a reverse-Mean Girl by saying that “Garcon doesn’t matter in this league.”

Both Sherman and Garcon have reputations for very physical play. They’re also both known for outbursts after plays that leave Fox News viewers clucking in their Lazy-Boys and pining for the years when Johnny Unitas would celebrate a touchdown by clearing his throat, sipping unsweetened coffee and reading the Wall Street Journal until the next drive.

The Guys feel that Sherman and Garcon have more in common with each other than they disagree about. Maybe Garcon shouldn’t have pulled Sherman’s hair, and maybe Sherman should understand that he’s playing a physical sport and it would behoove him to put his tresses into a pony tail or bun before game time.

Basically, they’re both pretty and should work out their differences over a nice cup of tea and scaring the hell out of Erin Andrews.

| Filed under Pirates, What a Reach!

Iran halts flogging, declares morale improved

Iranians be not so different from ye and me, in that we all become violent from too many listenings to "Happy."
Iranians be not so different from ye and me, in that we all secretly side with John Lithgow’s character in Footloose after too many listenings to “Happy.”

The Iranian government dropped charrrges against seven young lads and lasses fer making an “obscene video clip that offended the public morals and was released in cyberspace.” If ye be wonderin’ just what the little blighters were up to in said video, they were dancing to Pharrell Williams’ song “Happy.”

Six were originally sentenced to six months in prison and 91 lashes, and the seventh to  one year in addition to the lashings. However, all seven publicly apologized and promised t’ never again be lured into making what a Tehran police chief called a “vulgar clip that hurt public chastity.”

So, let this be a lesson to ye young Iranians: the floggings will cease when morale improves — improvement being from “Happy” to gruelingly chaste.

| Filed under What a Reach!

Taco Bell customers are still the worst

How many of you have seen Falling Down? In one scene in the movie, Michael Douglas’ character is just late enough to a McDonald’s that they’ve switched from their breakfast menu to their lunch menu. Douglas proceeds to shoot into the ceiling with a machine gun he has on hand (you have to see the movie) while venting his frustration. The point is that the guy, despite may having a bad day, is an a-hole for doing such a thing. It’s just a McMuffin.

Taco Bell customers are just the same, if not worse (warning: autoplay). In Tucson this past weekend, because of a woman’s order, the menu switched from breakfast to lunch menu. This infuriated the couple in the drive-thru behind her. They proceeded to hunt her down, scream obscenities at her and attack her.

No matter what Taco Bell says, their food is not worth the meat paste gun it’s caulked out of, much less worth coming to blows over. It’s still horrible food.

| Filed under War on Education, What a Reach!

Because white people are dumb and easily confused

A Las Vegas woman has jumped into the spotlight because tourists are dumb. The owner of Isis Artistry, a makeup store, shares a name in common with the Islamic group. Because the memory of dumb people has only a four month capacity, people assume that the Isis in Isis Artistry is the same as ISIS.

As opposed to Isis.

Or Isis.

Or Isis.

| Filed under Scurry '16, What a Reach!

Perry: Not a king, so not guilty?

"Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow he divine right of kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests."
“Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow The Divine Right of Kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests.

Lawyers for Texas Gov. Rick Perry began court proceedings with an interesting argument to dismiss charges of abuse of power: he couldn’t have done it because he’s not a king or emperor.

A Texas Governor is not Augustus traversing his realm with a portable mint and an imperial treasure in tow; he no more has custody or possession of the State’s general revenue funds than does any Texan. No governor can say of his or her state what the Sun King said of France: ‘L’etat c’est moi.’

Case closed. If the crown does not fit, then you must acquit.

In other news, it looks like former King Robert and Queen Maureen McDonnell — first of their names — of Virginia will probably not eat much cake in prison for their abuses of power.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, What a Reach!

One question to spot lazy psychologists

"Confident? Definitely. Self-conscious? Sure. Vain? Maybe. But a narcissist? I'm not the Internet's favorite monster aside from extroverts and cable company executives."
“Confident? Definitely. Self-conscious? Sure. Vain? Maybe. But a narcissist? I’m not the Internet’s favorite monster aside from extroverts and cable company executives.”

If the goal of all progress is efficiency, then researchers from Ohio State University have managed to improve narcissism diagnosis rates by 1000 percent without getting up from your matching Barcalounger/fainting couch combo.

To reach a diagnosis of narcissism, apparently all you have to do now is ask a narcissist is if they’re a narcissist. And, if you’re a narcissist, then you’ll answer affirmatively because, well, why wouldn’t you be?

There are only two flaws to this theory. One, if a narcissist associates narcissism with being a self-absorbed douche and, because they’re so nice and awesome, would never call themselves that. And two, if someone is worried about thinking they’re too vain and self-obsessed because they were raised to believe that mirrors are just ocular masturbation, then they might shame/WebMD-diagnose themselves as narcissistic.

But the better question to ask is why even ask in the first place if narcissism is so obvious?

| Filed under What a Reach!

Woman selling shoes decides to play the Stupid or Liar game

Let’s set the mood.

5 years ago, 3 million dollars worth of Nike shoes went missing. Vanished without a trace.

Recently, thousands upon thousands of pairs of shoes were found in the front lawn of a Radcliff, Kentucky woman’s house, strewn about the grass and sidewalk. The saleswoman claims that she bought the shoes off of another woman at the generous and not alarming at all price of 5 dollars a pair. Despite this, the Kentucky lady claims she had no idea they were stolen.

Nike obviously decided to make sure the idea was brought to her attention, as the entire lot of shoes (well, the ones not sold) were confiscated.

You’re welcome, Robert Stack’s corpse.

| Filed under What a Reach!

Prop. to stop Hop On Pop flops

Canada, you’ve gone too far and you need to keep your citizens in check. It was good that you voted to retain “Hop On Pop” after a complaint from someone that it “promotes violence against fathers” but it should’ve never gotten to that point. Educate your people! To censor the Seuss is an act that can only be justified by swift takeover from the people below you … and I’m not talking about Mexico.