Category: What a Reach!

| Filed under What a Reach!

Jesus loves everyone … but no fat chicks

How can Jesus carry you through tough times if you don't watch your weight? Have you seen his bird arms?
How can Jesus carry you through tough times if you don’t watch your weight? Have you seen his bird arms?

Oral Roberts University, a Christian college named for a televangelist, will require all first-year students to wear FitBit fitness trackers, and their level of activity will be graded. They must walk at least 10,000 steps a day and work out 150 minutes each week. They will be monitored everywhere they go, at all hours, no matter where in the world they go.

This will allow Oral Roberts to not only keep their Christian soldiers onward and in shape, but also help enforce existing policies on gender separation, sexual orientation, clothing and church attendance.

For instance, now they’ll know if your heart rate increases at all hours of the night or in shared spaces with the opposite gender. So, you’d better think about baseball during those weird Christian side-hugs.

| Filed under Stripper News, What a Reach!

Tit-picketing, tit-picketing, tit-pick-er-roo!

We assume that the New Beginnings Ministry's attendance is boosted for the same reason we watch the Super Bowl Halftime Show: there are now actual odds of seeing titties at both.
We assume that the New Beginnings Ministries’ attendance is boosted by the same reason we watch the Super Bowl Halftime Show: there are actual odds of seeing titties at both.

If it seems to you that breasts and church would go hand-in-hand — both support nurturing babies, receive paper money and get inordinate attention when they wander too far into the public eye — you would be remiss in the city and county of Coshocton, Ohio: home of an ongoing feud between New Beginning Ministries and the Foxhole North strip club.

NBM has regularly picketed Foxhole North on Fridays. In response, the owner and dancers have occasionally attended Sunday services at NBM topless. Seems like a win-win, right?

Wrong. NBM is now using a federal law that establishes buffer zones between abortion clinics and protesters in a lawsuit that would bar the Foxhole North owner and employees from coming to their church topless. Yes, a church that frowns on abortion (and strippers, obvs) is using a law that protects abortion providers and patients, from what this very church does every week to a strip club, in order to prevent anyone else from doing the same to them.

So, are they for or against picketing? (Our guess: for when doing it, against when done to them.) And, without the very real threat of boobs in their church, now how will they compete with the NFL for attendance?

| Filed under What a Reach!

Numbers don’t lie, but Redskins do

What? Lots of legitimate venues replace their balcony seating with weird, boxy shrines to their main sponsor.
What? Lots of legitimate venues replace their balcony seating with weird, boxy shrines to their main sponsor.

As a business, the Washington Redskins have a … unique relationship with numbers. They’re obsessed with the numbers ranging from 1982 through 1991, which was the last era they mattered. Then there’s the number 20, or the alleged number of years you have to wait on a list for season tickets; meanwhile, the number of available seats isn’t readily available because the team is covering them up with weird boxes now. They used to love the number 3: three Super Bowl victories and RGIII; but before Joe Thiesman could change his name to Joe Threesman, the number’s been ruined by going 3 and 13 in 2013 and only slightly improved to 4 and 12 last year.

And now, they’re claiming 7.8 billion unique visitors to articles about last years training camp — only slightly outnumbering the entire Earth’s population by a measly 600 million people. (Perhaps owner Dan Snyder has provided WiFi to previously uncounted hunter-gatherer tribes in the remote corners of the planet?) They also claimed to raise media coverage (and then, somehow, revenue) for the city of Richmond by over $76 million dollars just by moving their training camp there, which may explain why some of the defensive line looked so sluggish last year — that’s a lot of fancy dinners at local restaurants.

With off-the-field numbers like that, we can only assume the Redskins’ poll of Native American support for their team name is equally as believable.

| Filed under What a Reach!

Utah man formerly big fan of big bull penis

Stephen Ward is a man who was once a big fan of a big bull penis. However, the owner of Barista’s restaurant in Hurricane, Utah, has had a revelation: he does not need big bull penis in his life.

That said, he’s not getting rid of big bull penis for you or you or any of the other people living in Hurricane, Utah. No, he’s getting rid of big bull penis for his sake and his sake alone.

| Filed under War on Animals, What a Reach!

Protein is protein, after all

We’re in a desperate war against animals, but the greatest enemy in the war may not actually be an animal, but a two-legged beast of sorts: white people who love to accept all cultures until some aspect of one that they randomly discover makes them shriek and then they spaz the eff out.

An Asian market in California has been selling raccoons, considered a delicacy in China. As they’re frozen, bagged and sold, it can reasonably be assumed that they are properly cleaned. That train of logic means nothing to one white woman, popping into the store to presumably shop (and perhaps show how culturally inclusive she is), discovered the frozen raccoons and has now made a ruckus of the product. Are the raccoons legal to sell?

CBS2 contacted a number of local agencies, including the LA County District Attorney’s office. However, none of them were immediately able to say whether selling raccoons as food was legal or not.

Who knows and who cares? Raccoons are vicious, contagion-bearing monsters. Less of them means less problems in the war.

Question: do chickens actually have tongues?

| Filed under Tattoo Discrimination Challenge, What a Reach!

Name but not title? That’s messed up.

In a move that clearly won’t get your name and those belonging to other people in trouble or identified with crimes, a tattoo artist in her early 20’s has launched a Kickstarter project to have every space of her body covered with tattoos. You can even have your name added onto her leg for just ten dollars!

This feels like a move that devalues your name, tattoos, art and the paper that Alexander Hamilton is on.

| Filed under What a Reach!

“Kids, kids, enough … you’re BOTH just horrible”

The war on Christmas, secular Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa has been going for years with no ground being gained whatsoever. Now, more fuel to add to that fire has been added: the city council of Holyoke, Massachusetts, will now decide whether they have a Christmas tree or a Holiday tree.

Here, allow me to decide this for you: You don’t have a Christmas tree. You don’t have a Holiday tree. What you have is a pine tree.

There. You’re welcome. That’ll be 17.50.

| Filed under War on Animals, What a Reach!

Wartime enemies highlight the double standard of the USPS

So, a man, upset with his ex-girlfriend, proceeded to mail 15 live chicks to her. He can legally do that. Somehow. He’s being labeled as creepy, which really is a bit of overreaction. He’s not creepy, he’s simply slightly inconsiderate. The guy actually should have turned them into chicken nuggets before shipping the beasts off to her.

If anything, this proves a giant crime perpetrated among the human race. If I ship anything alcoholic, from a cheap, dollar airplane bottle of hooch to a fine scotch, no matter how safely and securely I package the bottle, I’m breaking the law and am a criminal. Meanwhile, our enemies, the animals, can be shipped all over the country, poop in their shipping box and not be labeled criminals?

Our tax dollars can pay for animal poop going around the country? That’s not right.

| Filed under What a Reach!

At least he doesn’t obfuscate his feelings

Comment cards? No. Speaking to a manager? Nuh-uh. Taking an online survey? Nope. Yelp reviews? As if.

No, truly the most effective way to voice your displeasure with a company is dumping pounds (as in plural) of nails down the toilets of their local stores and then flushing the toilet. Surprisingly enough, the effect is not at all like a lit cherry bomb being flushed down a toilet.

People in Minneapolis, I know it’s cold, but yeesh, you don’t have to act that cold.

| Filed under What a Reach!

You’re both pretty, gentlemen

"Would ya just watch the hair? Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you pull it. He pulls my hair." -- Richard Sherman on the Monday Night Fever fiasco.
“Would ya just watch the hair? Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you pull it. He pulls my hair.” — Richard Sherman on the Monday Night Fever fiasco.

Richard Sherman, cornerback for the Seattle Seahawks, alleged that Washington Redskins wide receiver, Pierre Garcon, pulled his luxurious dreadlocks during their Monday Night Football match. Sherman later pulled a reverse-Mean Girl by saying that “Garcon doesn’t matter in this league.”

Both Sherman and Garcon have reputations for very physical play. They’re also both known for outbursts after plays that leave Fox News viewers clucking in their Lazy-Boys and pining for the years when Johnny Unitas would celebrate a touchdown by clearing his throat, sipping unsweetened coffee and reading the Wall Street Journal until the next drive.

The Guys feel that Sherman and Garcon have more in common with each other than they disagree about. Maybe Garcon shouldn’t have pulled Sherman’s hair, and maybe Sherman should understand that he’s playing a physical sport and it would behoove him to put his tresses into a pony tail or bun before game time.

Basically, they’re both pretty and should work out their differences over a nice cup of tea and scaring the hell out of Erin Andrews.