Category: What a Reach!

| Posted in What a Reach!

Your mom still owes $150,000 to Time Warner for 30 years of birthdays

They're smiling because now the company doesn't have to pay every time they reluctantly drone out the words to "Happy Birthday To You."
They’re smiling because now the company doesn’t have to pay every time they reluctantly drone out the words to “Happy Birthday To You.” Also, because they do not realize that this does not translate into bonuses.

If the plaintiff in a lawsuit against Warner/Chappel Music Inc. gets their way, you may finally enjoy a royalties-free happy birthday. Good Morning To You Productions Corp. feels that they should not have needed to pay $1500 to use the song “Happy Birthday to You” in their new documentary about it. However, if they hadn’t, they could be sued by Warner/Chappel, which has owned the rights to the song since 1998.

But, through their research for the documentary, the production company found no evidence that Warner/Chappel or the previous owners, Birch Tree Ltd. and Clayton Summy, ever actually owned the song. Sure, they’ve all at one point owned a song called “Good Morning To You” since 1893. But, there’s no copyright on that song with the lyrics to “Happy Birthday To You” because the public made that s**t up.

Let’s not get too excited, though. Even if Good Morning To You Productions wins their case, we’re pretty sure that there will be a counter-suit by the people who wrote the “When I Say ‘Happy,’ You Say ‘Birthday’” song to keep their own royalties pouring in from Applebees.

| Posted in What a Reach!

White people still out of actual problems

There’s regular adultery. There’s emotional and mental adultery. And thanks to the power of streaming media, there’s now Netflix adultery: committing the monstrous act of watching episodes of a show before watching it with a spouse as promised.

Of those who cheated, 66 percent did so “at home by themselves on the main TV.” A shocking 21 percent confessed to watching in bed while their significant other slept. (This is my modus operandi, and it is shameful.) Forty-one percent of cheaters refrained from revealing spoilers; 12 percent would rewatch and “fake it” in their reactions; 14 percent felt so guilty they confessed to cheating.

Watching it in bed while the partner sleeps? Faking it? Slatterns, harlots and strumpets, all of them.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Crisis averted.

Nerd rage is not the same as actually assaulting someone. We’d just like to point that out ahead of time.

A fight of the most epic proportions erupted at a British sci-fi convention. The people involved? Members of a Star Wars fan club versus Doctor Who fans. We might not be talking the Hatfields and McCoys, or even the Sharks and the Jets, but hey, it could still be bad! Maybe. The reason behind the spat? The treasurer of the Star Wars club asked a Doctor Who actor for his autograph. Okay, so it’s not exactly the assassination of the Archduke Ferdinand, but still!

Police were eventually called over reports of an assault taking place, but after questioning, it was realized that having your internet pride hurt isn’t exactly what an assault truly is.

| Posted in What a Reach!

End result: unknown carny becomes the new Masked Magician

Tell us if you’ve heard this story before: man walks into a carnival, thinks he’s pretty awesome at a game, ends up losing. He then comes back, tries numerous times to prove that he can beat the game, still loses. It’s a normal story that’s been told many times over.

Well, let’s add in some extra bits: Henry Gribbohm walked into a carnival, thought he was pretty good at the game Tubs of Fun and lost. He then went home, came back with his life’s savings ($2,600), tried numerous times to prove that he could beat the game and still lost … to the tune of $2,600.

On the plus side, the carnival showed some pity on him. Oh sure, he was given back $600 , and the carny has gone missing, but the real win for Gribbohm was that he was given a giant stuffed banana dressed like a Rastafarian. So, really, how can Gribbohm not be a winner?

| Posted in The Guys in Moms, What a Reach!

Kraft Mac and Cheese gives Internet moms the blues

Mm, real cheesy goodness that you can cook on either a stove-top range or in a spoon for intravenous consumption.
Mm, real cheesy goodness that you can cook either on a stove-top range or in a spoon for intravenous consumption.

Two very courageous mommy bloggers are taking on Big Macaroni. (We’d abbreviate that to “Big Mac,” but The Guys blew our legal services budget on whole grain alcohol.)

The authors, one of which writes a blog called “100 Days of Real Food,” posted a petition on Change.org to make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese — a product containing powdered cheese and 35 percent of your daily sodium — more “real” by taking out food dyes Yellow #5 and #6.

Meanwhile, at the grocery store: rows of actual cheese and pasta remain unsold.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Thieves steal tons of now cheap consoles

Thieves! Stealers! Potential hoarders! All of these words describe the culprits behind a theft in SeaTac where 7000 Wii consoles were stolen from a warehouse. Seven thousand! That’s enough to create your own artificial shortage of the consoles and be very effective about it…if it were the year 2006 again. Nintendo created their own artificial shortage of the console during the entire first year that the Wii was out.

Now, in the year 2012, a Wii console can be purchased for between 120 and 130 dollars. So, have fun sitting on that giant number of Wii units, guys!

| Posted in What a Reach!

Canada is officially full of rich and ridiculous morons

Let’s say you have a little bit of scratch to your name. Maybe an amount around the tune of, oh, enough to buy the 430 thousand dollar 2012 Lamborghini Aventador. It’s a super car, but despite that, since you live in a civilized country, you’re smart enough to also know the rules and regulations regarding having a car: front license plates, seat belt laws and having the vehicle insured.

Oh, what’s that? You’re only 22 years old? You find that insuring a Lamborghini is too costly? And when you’re pulled over, you think that the ticket for driving around an uninsured vehicle is too high?

Maybe you shouldn’t be driving around a Lamborghini.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics), Warcrack, What a Reach!

Leroy Jenkins not a credible reference for politicians

Colleen Lachowicz is a democrat running for state senate in Waterville, Maine and she also happens to play a lot of World of Warcraft. As per Maine Republicans, this means that she is more than unfit for office, and as such, the Maine Republican Party has set up an entire website dedicated to digging up old forum posts made by Lachowicz.

“Colleen Lachowicz is a Democrat candidate for Maine State Senate. In Colleen’s online fantasy world, she gets away with crude, vicious and violent comments like the ones below. Maine needs a State Senator that lives in the real world, not in Colleen’s fantasy world.”

Yes, this is an actual website set up by the Maine Republican Party.

This whole situation is hilarious in the “you can’t believe it’s actually real” hilarious, kind of like in the beginning for the replacement refs for the NFL. To use the fact that she plays World of Warcraft as a political dig against her? It’d only be an understandable claim if the woman played Second Life.