I can easily see the confusion

Posted on March 9, 2010
Filed Under What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |

It’s so very easy to get a Wii controller confused with a hand gun. I mean, just think of it:

Yup, if a child has easy access and reach to an already loaded handgun with the safety off and thus ends up fatally shooting him or herself with said gun, with the mother of said child in the same room as this is happening but not noticing any of it going on, it’s clearly because the child mistook the gun for a Wiimote … and certainly not bad parenting, right? Right?

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Stupak is as Stupak does

Posted on March 4, 2010
Filed Under What a Reach! | 2 Comments |

Just when Democrats are showing signs of finally working around obstructionist Republicans over health care reform, Democrats are tripping over their own shoes again. Rep. Bart Stupak, D-Mich., wants the reform bill to ban all funding for abortion–including by private insurers–or he and 11 other reps won’t vote for it.

Abortion, a legal medical procedure, isn’t popular. We’re with Supak: we don’t like it. Let’s force people to pay for it out of their own pockets.

But that’s not the only procedure we have a problem with. We’d also like to see stringent language ban funding for:

As you can see, we are very morally opposed to these treatments. We’re so opposed, in fact, that rather than introduce a bill to make them illegal, we’d rather just charge the people who get them.

Written by Rick Snee

Catholic Charities shoot own feet for martyrdom

Posted on March 2, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |

In a move that could be best described as “really, really obtuse,” Catholic Charities is taking a stand against legal gay marriage in Washington, D.C.  According to a letter from Edward J. Orzechowski, President & CEO of the group, the company will no longer provide health plan coverage for spouses of new employees or employees who haven’t bought in yet.

(The letter courageously omits why their employees will receive less benefits, merely referencing “the tenets of our religious faith.” Perhaps even mentioning homosexuality is enough to tempt Catholics in Orzechowski’s book.)

So, Catholic Charities refuses to recognize gay marriage by refusing to recognize their own. Take that, homos!

Written by Rick Snee

Lady sailors make perfect seamen

Posted on February 24, 2010
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It’s hard to believe, but the U.S. Navy’s been using submarines for over 100 years, and they just now thought to put women in them.

It took this long because some people have always thought that it’s not a good idea, especially because of “hot bunking,” where sailors sleep in the same bed in shifts to save space and because the subs have to be manned 24 hours, anyway.

But, this is a prime example of why submarines need women: the “hot” bunks will smell better. It’s either station women on subs or stock the showers with Herbal Essences.

And not just the bunks, either, because we’re also talking about recycled air here. Everyone knows women don’t fart, and their poops are modest and have no more odor than freshly baked crescent rolls. They sweat less and, if folded correctly, take up less space than an Ab-Lounger, which is important in a sub’s cramped insides.

(Speaking of conditions women handle better than men: cramped insides.)

Basically, women make the perfect seamen, especially underwater.

Written by Rick Snee

Seeya, Las Vegas

Posted on February 19, 2010
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NEWSFLASH: If you say that it’s irresponsible to blow your savings in Las Vegas, then their mayor will never be your friend!

That’s the lesson President Barack Obama has learned as Mayor Oscar “Unfortunate First Name” Goodman has rebuffed his visit to Las Vegas. Goodman refused to greet the President at the airport and has publicly declined any meetings until Obama calls to “rectify the situation.”

Look, folks. Las Vegas isn’t just some other desert city formed by gangsters for legal gambling and prostitution. It’s a city with feelings. To imply that it’s expensive to stay in a hotel shaped like a giant pyramid, drink $10 cocktails all night, get married and divorced within 24 hours and lose your girlfriend in a high stakes poker match–as they advertise–is just plain mean.

Written by Rick Snee

Who keeps buying these books?

Posted on February 10, 2010
Filed Under Scurry (Politics), What a Reach! | 1 Comment |

We didn’t read the Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama or Going Rogue by Sarah Palin. You know why? Because they just reached the point where their lives have received notice, deserved or otherwise.

Sure, autobiographies have to be written within a person’s lifetime, so there’s obviously some time for an update, but:

  1. Who cares how you got into the career you enjoy, especially politics?
  2. Can’t it wait until you’ve accomplished something other than win (or lose, in Palin’s case) an election? Or are these the new Nobel Peace Prizes?

Proving that no politician who makes the news is above this trend, nor are the idiots that eat these books up, newly-elected U.S. Senator Scott Brown (R-Mass.) has started shopping his life story out to publishers.

Written by Rick Snee

I never did trust the LEGO maniac

Posted on February 5, 2010
Filed Under What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |

Any you know what? Neither should you. After all, any interaction with LEGO products is a deadly experience that will get you and everyone around you killed.

Mock shooting is apparently a very big issue in America. Plastic guns, while ridden with the inability to actually fire any projectiles, are clearly one of the biggest banes of our society. The only reasonable solution is to eventually remove our hands.

The moral of the story? Never bring an ax to a gunfight.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

… But Virginians all drive 80 mph

Posted on January 27, 2010
Filed Under What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |

As the recently-elected Virginia governor, Bob McDonnell, promised, a bill is slowly making the rounds to increase interstate highway speed limits from 65 to 70 mph.

This is just the latest effort by the Commonwealth to bring the speed limits into sync with the actual driving habits of Virginians, particularly those from the northern parts. School zones, unfortunately, remain a stifling 25 mph–fast enough to kill, but too slow to to clear the obese 11-year-old underneath and take off again.

Some opponents to the bill believe that the 5 mph speed increase will waste fuel, lead to more accidents and require unwarranted spending to adjust signs.  These same opponents, however, have yet to propose lowering the speed limit to a safer, more fuel efficient 40 mph.

We guess the lesson is that safety’s one thing, but not if it means running late for work.

Written by Rick Snee

You can’t say that in education

Posted on January 27, 2010
Filed Under War on Education, What a Reach! | 1 Comment |

The Daily Show has traditionally closed its shows with a piece called “Your moment of zen.”

Say hello to your moment of weeping for the future. God forbid the kids actually learn what it is from a source that doesn’t imply rightness or wrongness, but instead just gives them the non-titillating facts. Or pictures of old people wearing rapist glasses. Watch out National Geographic, you might be next!

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

The internet is not ready for Avatar

Posted on January 11, 2010
Filed Under What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |

Are you feeling down? Has life just kicked you around like you wouldn’t believe? Did you get that girl knocked up, only to get fired from your job for being late too often? Is your completely bullsh*t and not a real totally real disease of Asperger Syndrome keeping you from being a productive member of society (which is totally not your own fault at all)?

Then we, repeat, cannot stress enough that YOU NOT SEE JAMES CAMERON’S MOVIE AVATAR. Because you will kill yourself.

Oh, not because it’s a bad movie. The plot is far from mind-blowing, but the graphical aspects of the movie alone are a technological achievement for the ages (not out of the norm for the director [Editor's note: stop editorializing out of your column, Chug]). No, we say that you shouldn’t see the movie because the internet tells us that. And, as always, if it’s on the internet, then it must be true.

Recent posts on Avatar fansites have seen a slightly less than positive view toward our world. It would seem that fans of the movie are becoming depressed because the world of the movie totally outshines our own tangible world. How utterly cruel of Cameron to do such an act. Some of the posts include wonderful passages like:

“That’s all I have been doing as of late, searching the Internet for more info about ‘Avatar.’ I guess that helps. It’s so hard I can’t force myself to think that it’s just a movie, and to get over it, that living like the Na’vi will never happen. I think I need a rebound movie,”

and

“Ever since I went to see Avatar I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it,” Mike posted. “I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’ “

Congratulations emo kids of the internet. You’ve now made my day.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor
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