Just the outcome you’d expect
Posted on August 10, 2010
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim, War on Education, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
The descendants of legendary Apache, Geronimo, found out what happens when you sue a notorious secret society that has included two of the last four presidents in its ranks: the case never makes it to trial.
The family attempted to sue Skull and Bones, Yale University for the theft of Geronimo’s remains. They were rumored to have been stolen by Prescott Bush and later used by his son, George H.W. Bush, and grandson, George W. Bush, to snort various drugs and do things that aren’t necessarily gay if you’re wearing a cowl and will one day rule the world.
Unfortunately, Judge Richard Roberts dismissed the suit because the world’s most famous Native American doesn’t count as a Native American artifact because he was “excavated or discovered before 1990.” (Which seems to imply that the theft of a federal grave equals “excavation or discovery.”)
This leaves Geronimo’s family one option: body raid at Yale!
Written by Rick SneeWhat’s next? No cigarettes?
Posted on July 22, 2010
Filed Under Booze News, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
Look, before we overreact here, let’s get this out of the way: kids probably shouldn’t drink or do drugs. It makes them uncoordinated and dangerous while manning lawn equipment and heavy machinery.
However, is it child abuse?
Some killjoys–like Dr. Shan Yin, of the University of Colorado and the Rocky Mountain Poison and Drug Center at Denver Health–seem to think that giving your children booze, adult medications and real drugs is abuse.
But, what about kids who want to drink or abuse narcotics? It’s not like they can buy this stuff on their own. You have to be 18 just to buy compressed air and Sudafed these days.
Written by Rick SneeOur Solution:
Before you hand your kid (or anyone else’s for that matter) a shot or Xanax, ask them if they really want to feel more mature than their peers and relaxed like mommy.
Who would’ve thought heat was hot?
Posted on July 20, 2010
Filed Under What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
Imagine this, if you will: you live in Arizona. In July. As such, it tends to be very warm, to say the least, and more along the lines of pretty hot. As such, one would expect to take precautions if you’re leaving the house.
Not if you’re James Wankel. He’s a man, he won’t take any guff from the weather and he needs to see that mailman now. Of course, James is also 78 years old. This means that he’ll probably need to put some extra protection on if he’s going outside, just in case.
Except, he really needs to see that mailman now. Well James, don’t be surprised that you get second degree burns if step on a hot Arizona street in the middle of July. Just an FYI.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSenior citizen-on-senior citizen crime!
Posted on July 16, 2010
Filed Under Headline of the Day, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
Sometimes, when a story is important enough, you have to find the right source to present it in just the right way; otherwise, you might miss the essential life lesson.
Fortunately, Fox News is on the case!
The Case of Joe Perry and the Rear-ended Motorcycle seemed nigh unsolvable. Why did this happen? Who would hit a beloved American icon (in 1993)? Where did the system go wrong? Will it ever be safe to ride a two-wheeled overpowered vehicle that doctors call a “donorcycle” again?
The Fox answers: it’s the fault of a senior citizen driver.
The 59-year-old lead guitarist of your dad’s favorite band was hit on his motorcycle by a 62-year-old biddy who should have had her licensed seized at least five years ago!
Written by Rick SneeGod hates mylar bags
Posted on July 9, 2010
Filed Under What a Reach! | 3 Comments |
You know what’s sad? When Fred Phelps and the Westboro “Totally Not Gay” Baptists make it to Comic-Con before we do.
Phelps plans to picket the world-famous comic book convention because he believes nerds worship comic characters instead of Phelps Jesus. He hopes to encourage attendees to put down the action figures and pick up a Bible, warning them that
“The destruction of this nation is imminent – so start calling on Batman and Superman now, see if they can pull you from the mess that you have created with all your silly idolatry.”‘
Well, Fred, we’ve tried that. And as much as we’ve prayed for Jesus to slap the blasphemy out of you, it’s more likely that someone dressed as Aquaman will finally do it.
So, thanks for converting us over to the church of a comics character based on Greek (read: butt-loving) paganism.
(Special thanks to Matt Staggs.)
Written by Rick SneeWal-Mart fires inept employees?
Posted on July 2, 2010
Filed Under What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
You wouldn’t know it by walking in one, but Wal-Mart has employment standards. They proved it by firing Joseph Casias, 2008′s Associate of the Year.
How had Casias fallen so far in only a year? Marijuana.
Well, also cancer, living in Michigan and a prescription for marijuana from his doctor.
But still: Joseph Casias is a reefer addict, and The Store That Sam Built can’t abide junkies jeopardizing “the safety of its customers and associates.” (They will continue to sell three-day old hot dogs to stoner customers, however.)
And just in case you aren’t on the exploitative global corporations’ side yet, guess who’s leading the fight against them? The ACLU. We’re not saying you’re wrong for agreeing with the ACLU per se, just that God may not be able to tell the difference when you die.
Written by Rick SneeProfiles in Sadness: Trojans on kindergartners!
Posted on June 25, 2010
Filed Under Profiles in Sadness, Sex Sells, What a Reach! | 1 Comment |
In a country where we just can’t muster the energy (ah? get it?) to be angry at BP anymore, we need a new story to enrage us. Where’s the fire? Where’s the passion? The inappropriate romance?
In Provincetown, Mass., of course. The P-town school district found itself under fire for a new sex education policy that would allow students to ask for free condoms from a school counselor without parental permission.
But the outrage isn’t over the parental permission part, not really. It’s that this policy gives condoms to children as young as six-years-old! How dare P-town give pre-adolescents the go-ahead to have sex without their parents’ permission!
And that’s where the story gets sad: they’re not simply handing them out.
Any student who asks for a condom has to go through counseling before that counselor considers giving one to the student. The policy is written so that no ages are set because, well, nobody is on the same sexual schedule, and when was the last time a parent successfully talked a moderately intelligent adolescent out of sex?
So, it looks like the school district will cave to political pressure and put an age limit on condoms, which the state doesn’t even do at drug stores. When the teacher pregnancy rate skyrockets, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Written by Rick SneeObama’s search for perfect ass
Posted on June 8, 2010
Filed Under Headline of the Day, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
With today’s headlines about President Barack Obama, it may be a good idea to hide your puppies.
The President worked out his rage as most people do, with Matt Lauer, concerning the BP oil leak; BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward and the idea that he hasn’t blown up an oil rig off the coast of England with “Fat” Tony stuck inside.
President Obama justified his meetings with experts, saying that it takes a committee to nominate names and assess asses before an ass can be kicked. He added, “This seems to work pretty well for the Pentagon.”
In the meantime, Hayward is still very much physically unharmed by any and all able-bodied U.S. politicians.
Written by Rick SneeWon’t gaming stop thinking about the children?
Posted on May 28, 2010
Filed Under What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
Hey! You! Get off of the game box! Or at least, get off of it after using the machine for an hour and 59 minutes. Why so? According to Steve Pope, a counselor and therapist in the United Kingdom, if you gamed for two hours, you just did the equivalent of a line of cocaine.
DUN DUN DUNDUNDUNNNNNNNNN.
“A lot of young people get themselves into a situation where they use video games as an escape from the world and they get hooked on the release of adrenaline it gives,” says Pope. “Spending two hours on a game station is equivalent to taking a line of cocaine in the high it produces.”
Pope goes on to claim that gaming is the “fastest growing addiction” in the UK and is affecting youth mentally as well as causing problems like obesity.
“I saw one 14-year-old Preston boy who played on games for 24 hours non stop and had not eaten and was showing signs of dehydration,” he adds. “When his parents tried to take his console away, he became aggressive and threatened to jump out of a window.”
There are also children, he warns, that have been stealing from their parents to buy video games. Just imagine if they were actually doing coke! There are even therapists who are addicted to making all sorts of melodramatic claims. Shock! Shock and horror!
Clearly, gaming is one helluva drug.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYou eyeballin’ me, boy?
Posted on May 26, 2010
Filed Under Booze News, What a Reach! | 2 Comments |
No? Then you must not be very cool.
“Eyeballing“–which the kids pronounce with an emphasis on the “g” at the end as they’re all about annunciation these days–is a new teenaged drinking trend where high schoolers pour vodka into each others’ eyes.
The process reportedly gets them drunker faster and can cause corneal scarring. Also, it makes for “totes sweet YouTubes.”
If you are a parent, your child could be doing this … right now. To call them out on it, look for the following warning signs:
- Red, swollen eyes that have difficulty focusing or holding down a job.
- Visine bottles that reek of potatoes.
- Lingo like “Pinko Eye,”Gawking at Lenin’s Tomb”,” “social justice” and, when asked if they’ve been drinking, they reply, “N’yet.”
Once you have diagnosed the problem, please, teach your teenager how to drink like a normal child.
Written by Rick Snee keep looking ยป