Right level of outrage, wrong target

Nerds managed to hate the new Ghostbusters movie and love Suicide Squad without seeing either. We're starting to think the stereotype about nerds being smart is wrong.
Nerds managed to hate the new Ghostbusters movie and love Suicide Squad without seeing either. We’re starting to think the stereotype about nerds being smart is wrong.

Water is wet, grass is green and movies about DC Comics characters (mostly, since 1989’s Batman) suck. Ever since DC/Warner Bros. hitched its wagon to Zack Snyder, with his own record of producing cool screen savers with dumb stories, its movies have been one gritty, forgettable misfire (at best) after another. And now that critics mostly agree that Suicide Squad is yet another less-edgy-than-it-thinks adaptation of a DC comic, fans of said comics have had it. They’ve organized and written a petition.

A petition against Rotten Tomatoes.

Not DC or WB for repeatedly letting them down before and since The Dark Knight. Not even specific critics who repeatedly hate terrible movies in a genre that everybody loves right now, as wrong-sighted as that would be. No, they’re taking action (well, as much action as signing an online petition can be considered “action”) against the site that collects those reviews and averages their scores.

In other news, fans of the as-of-yet unseen Suicide Squad are also suing their bathroom scales for not showing them the results they wanted to see.

Putin: #dopelivesmatter

In this case, the little guy is an extremely jacked, yet surprisingly lightweight pole vaulter.
In this case, the “little guy” is an extremely jacked, yet surprisingly lightweight pole vaulter.

Between invading and annexing other countries and launching cyber-attacks to rig our elections, you’d think Russian President Vladimir Putin would be too busy to make a stand for civil rights. And you’d be wrong, because — when the International Olympics Committee enforced their ban on nearly the entire Russian track and field team for systematically and flagrantly covering up performance enhancing drug use — Putin stood up for the little guy.

Putin called the IOC’s decision to ban everyone in the Russian track and field system from the 2016 Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil “discrimination.”

‘We can’t accept indiscriminate disqualification of our athletes with an absolutely clean doping history,’ Putin said. ‘We cannot and will not accept what in fact is pure discrimination.’

Putin’s right: the Russian government worked hard to make sure that all of their athletes had a clean doping history. It’s not fair to those who followed his government’s rules of doping without getting caught that they should have to stay home with the f*ck-ups who got caught.

This is pure discrimination against good guys on drugs, who are the only ones who can catch up with and stop bad guys on drugs, thanks to the modern athletic field. Pharmaceutical-Russians (and Pharmaceutical-Americans for that matter) are people, people who were born to not be afraid of needles or consequences. We can’t punish them for their very nature to overcome nature.


Jesus loves everyone … but no fat chicks

How can Jesus carry you through tough times if you don't watch your weight? Have you seen his bird arms?
How can Jesus carry you through tough times if you don’t watch your weight? Have you seen his bird arms?

Oral Roberts University, a Christian college named for a televangelist, will require all first-year students to wear FitBit fitness trackers, and their level of activity will be graded. They must walk at least 10,000 steps a day and work out 150 minutes each week. They will be monitored everywhere they go, at all hours, no matter where in the world they go.

This will allow Oral Roberts to not only keep their Christian soldiers onward and in shape, but also help enforce existing policies on gender separation, sexual orientation, clothing and church attendance.

For instance, now they’ll know if your heart rate increases at all hours of the night or in shared spaces with the opposite gender. So, you’d better think about baseball during those weird Christian side-hugs.

Tit-picketing, tit-picketing, tit-pick-er-roo!

We assume that the New Beginnings Ministry's attendance is boosted for the same reason we watch the Super Bowl Halftime Show: there are now actual odds of seeing titties at both.
We assume that the New Beginnings Ministries’ attendance is boosted by the same reason we watch the Super Bowl Halftime Show: there are actual odds of seeing titties at both.

If it seems to you that breasts and church would go hand-in-hand — both support nurturing babies, receive paper money and get inordinate attention when they wander too far into the public eye — you would be remiss in the city and county of Coshocton, Ohio: home of an ongoing feud between New Beginning Ministries and the Foxhole North strip club.

NBM has regularly picketed Foxhole North on Fridays. In response, the owner and dancers have occasionally attended Sunday services at NBM topless. Seems like a win-win, right?

Wrong. NBM is now using a federal law that establishes buffer zones between abortion clinics and protesters in a lawsuit that would bar the Foxhole North owner and employees from coming to their church topless. Yes, a church that frowns on abortion (and strippers, obvs) is using a law that protects abortion providers and patients, from what this very church does every week to a strip club, in order to prevent anyone else from doing the same to them.

So, are they for or against picketing? (Our guess: for when doing it, against when done to them.) And, without the very real threat of boobs in their church, now how will they compete with the NFL for attendance?

Numbers don’t lie, but Redskins do

What? Lots of legitimate venues replace their balcony seating with weird, boxy shrines to their main sponsor.
What? Lots of legitimate venues replace their balcony seating with weird, boxy shrines to their main sponsor.

As a business, the Washington Redskins have a … unique relationship with numbers. They’re obsessed with the numbers ranging from 1982 through 1991, which was the last era they mattered. Then there’s the number 20, or the alleged number of years you have to wait on a list for season tickets; meanwhile, the number of available seats isn’t readily available because the team is covering them up with weird boxes now. They used to love the number 3: three Super Bowl victories and RGIII; but before Joe Thiesman could change his name to Joe Threesman, the number’s been ruined by going 3 and 13 in 2013 and only slightly improved to 4 and 12 last year.

And now, they’re claiming 7.8 billion unique visitors to articles about last years training camp — only slightly outnumbering the entire Earth’s population by a measly 600 million people. (Perhaps owner Dan Snyder has provided WiFi to previously uncounted hunter-gatherer tribes in the remote corners of the planet?) They also claimed to raise media coverage (and then, somehow, revenue) for the city of Richmond by over $76 million dollars just by moving their training camp there, which may explain why some of the defensive line looked so sluggish last year — that’s a lot of fancy dinners at local restaurants.

With off-the-field numbers like that, we can only assume the Redskins’ poll of Native American support for their team name is equally as believable.

Utah man formerly big fan of big bull penis

Stephen Ward is a man who was once a big fan of a big bull penis. However, the owner of Barista’s restaurant in Hurricane, Utah, has had a revelation: he does not need big bull penis in his life.

That said, he’s not getting rid of big bull penis for you or you or any of the other people living in Hurricane, Utah. No, he’s getting rid of big bull penis for his sake and his sake alone.

Protein is protein, after all

We’re in a desperate war against animals, but the greatest enemy in the war may not actually be an animal, but a two-legged beast of sorts: white people who love to accept all cultures until some aspect of one that they randomly discover makes them shriek and then they spaz the eff out.

An Asian market in California has been selling raccoons, considered a delicacy in China. As they’re frozen, bagged and sold, it can reasonably be assumed that they are properly cleaned. That train of logic means nothing to one white woman, popping into the store to presumably shop (and perhaps show how culturally inclusive she is), discovered the frozen raccoons and has now made a ruckus of the product. Are the raccoons legal to sell?

CBS2 contacted a number of local agencies, including the LA County District Attorney’s office. However, none of them were immediately able to say whether selling raccoons as food was legal or not.

Who knows and who cares? Raccoons are vicious, contagion-bearing monsters. Less of them means less problems in the war.

Question: do chickens actually have tongues?

Name but not title? That’s messed up.

In a move that clearly won’t get your name and those belonging to other people in trouble or identified with crimes, a tattoo artist in her early 20’s has launched a Kickstarter project to have every space of her body covered with tattoos. You can even have your name added onto her leg for just ten dollars!

This feels like a move that devalues your name, tattoos, art and the paper that Alexander Hamilton is on.

“Kids, kids, enough … you’re BOTH just horrible”

The war on Christmas, secular Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa has been going for years with no ground being gained whatsoever. Now, more fuel to add to that fire has been added: the city council of Holyoke, Massachusetts, will now decide whether they have a Christmas tree or a Holiday tree.

Here, allow me to decide this for you: You don’t have a Christmas tree. You don’t have a Holiday tree. What you have is a pine tree.

There. You’re welcome. That’ll be 17.50.

Wartime enemies highlight the double standard of the USPS

So, a man, upset with his ex-girlfriend, proceeded to mail 15 live chicks to her. He can legally do that. Somehow. He’s being labeled as creepy, which really is a bit of overreaction. He’s not creepy, he’s simply slightly inconsiderate. The guy actually should have turned them into chicken nuggets before shipping the beasts off to her.

If anything, this proves a giant crime perpetrated among the human race. If I ship anything alcoholic, from a cheap, dollar airplane bottle of hooch to a fine scotch, no matter how safely and securely I package the bottle, I’m breaking the law and am a criminal. Meanwhile, our enemies, the animals, can be shipped all over the country, poop in their shipping box and not be labeled criminals?

Our tax dollars can pay for animal poop going around the country? That’s not right.