Category: What a Reach!

| Posted in What a Reach!

Woman selling shoes decides to play the Stupid or Liar game

Let’s set the mood.

5 years ago, 3 million dollars worth of Nike shoes went missing. Vanished without a trace.

Recently, thousands upon thousands of pairs of shoes were found in the front lawn of a Radcliff, Kentucky woman’s house, strewn about the grass and sidewalk. The saleswoman claims that she bought the shoes off of another woman at the generous and not alarming at all price of 5 dollars a pair. Despite this, the Kentucky lady claims she had no idea they were stolen.

Nike obviously decided to make sure the idea was brought to her attention, as the entire lot of shoes (well, the ones not sold) were confiscated.

You’re welcome, Robert Stack’s corpse.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Prop. to stop Hop On Pop flops

Canada, you’ve gone too far and you need to keep your citizens in check. It was good that you voted to retain “Hop On Pop” after a complaint from someone that it “promotes violence against fathers” but it should’ve never gotten to that point. Educate your people! To censor the Seuss is an act that can only be justified by swift takeover from the people below you … and I’m not talking about Mexico.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Spread the golden, glistening idol on your toast

People, we’ll be honest: we’re so confused here.

For Easter, Erie County Executive Mark Poloncarz made a massively controversial yet understanding action and spared a butter lamb.

That would be a lamb. Made out of butter.

Poloncarz decreed that the sculpture would escape the tyranny that is Easter dinner. Are butter sculptures real things that are done outside of state fairs? And where does someone get enough butter to make a kneeling lamb?

| Posted in What a Reach!

Weenies win out over efficacy thanks to bureaucracy

Littering is bad. It’s a dumb crime to commit and aids no one. There are SO MANY BETTER, much cooler crimes than could be committed, but when people throw their trash into the street or the forests, that’s just dumb. Dummies. No one got laid by throwing their Hardee’s cup out the window.

Laurens, a city in South Carolina, managed to have fantastic signs put up that communicates why you shouldn’t litter that even people traveling at high speeds can figure out. So of course, a group of weenies are hurt and offended by the signs.

One of the signs, which reads “Don’t litter, Jack***, that means you!” and has a picture of a donkey, was taken down after being deemed inappropriate. Councilmember Sylvia Douglas perceived

“it as a bullying technique.”

So what’s a fine, taking someone’s lunch money?

| Posted in Sex Sells, What a Reach!

Throwing money at your problems

"And just to really make sure nobody sees them again, here I am in an AP shot with one of the shirts folded titties out."
“And just to really make sure nobody sees them again, here I am in an AP photo with one of the shirts folded titties out.”

When Judy Cox found indecent t-shirts at a PacSun store, she did what The Guys would do: buy them all. Except, rather than wear as many as possible and then donate the rest to children with parental locks on their Internet access, she spent over $550 to protect her town — including her 18-year-old son — from the sight of scantily dressed womens.

Now unsure what to do, she thinks she might return them on day 59 of the store’s 60 day return policy. Which means they’ll be on display again, along with the 19 shirts the store ordered to restock. That is a victory for … well, nobody. Certainly not for her son, who will now surely be connected to the story as the tender legal adult who was publicly wank-blocked by his mom while shopping with her for clothes.

To be fair, we don’t think too clearly when we see boobs on a t-shirt, either.

| Posted in Scurry (Politics), What a Reach!

Politics is weird

Let’s be honest: The Guys don’t understand political campaign tactics. While we understand the need to promote yourself, attacking your opponent has always struck us as a move that makes you a lot less classy than you’d like to come across as. Especially if you’re displaying people that you don’t like (kind of) in the nude.

Also, while we’re no James Carvilles, I’m pretty sure that mixing your metaphors isn’t for the best:

‘It’s was a play on words,’ Mozena explains.’We are accountable to the government in so many ways, whether it’s the IRS, and now with our healthcare. I’m just asking them to bend over now and show us their finances.’

No one wants to see any council person’s finances. Or their tuchus.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Nike: enemy of the pimp

Portland has earned its name as being one of the most annoying cities in the country. It’s hippy-dippy, organic to the max, with socio-liberal-trans-illumi-funda-national feelings being promoted all throughout the year. I don’t even know what I just wrote, but I bet Portland does.

Portland even had a pimp. A pimp! How quaint is that? Sirgiorgiro Clardy, a man serving a 100-year sentence for a massively brutal attack, has had a realization: it’s not necessarily his fault that he stomped a man, nearly to death. It’s Nike’s fault for making a shoe that can double as a weapon.

Clardy seeks, via a lawsuit, a warning label be attached to all of their potentially dangerous merchandise. Might we suggest the same be attributed to

  • Sony — those PS3s and PS4s aren’t getting any lighter.
  • Tupperware — when was the last time you saw one of them break?
  • North Face — time to strangle a person, right?
| Posted in What a Reach!

Won’t someone think of the macaroni?

The Super Bowl draws near, and as someone who has had a Super Bowl party at his place every year for the past 5 years, it is an event that requires food. Greasy, horrible for you, delicious food. Subs, meatballs, sausage dip, wings, but most importantly: cheese. Yes, it lubricates that body while stopping it up at the same time.

Well, we don’t mean to create a panic, but Kraft says it’s having trouble keeping up with demand.

Now, specifically, it’s Kraft’s Velveeta, the cheese found outside of the refrigerated section of your grocery store. While the concept of block, dry cheese is rather icky, Velveeta proves essential to dips and crock pots. The cheesepocalypse, as the fear-mongering right-wing dairy media has come to call it, is most probably a fad that will easily be corrected in a month.

When that’s corrected, be prepared for the dairy cow drought of 2014.

| Posted in Headline of the Day, What a Reach!

The French REALLY take their French fries seriously

In what can only be described as a new trend involving food and large bladed objects, we have more on the maddening saga of how not to express your feelings about something. This is POINTY WATCH: 2013.

A man in France decided that his fries were too cold. He loves his McDonald’s fries, but he hates them being cold. He voiced his concern and feelings. The response he was given did not leave him satisfied. Presumably unsure of what to do, the young man did the only logical thing to do: he went to his van, returned with an axe and began attacking the drive-thru window of the fast food giant.

Please note, people: it’s a lot easier to fill out a customer survey card with a pen than an axe.

| Posted in Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, What a Reach!

Holiday financial cheer will cost ya

I am not opposed to free money. Not in the slightest. Free money is always fine with me, but apparently, not so much in Minnesota. Serge Vorobyov proceeded to throw, according to reports, his last thousand dollars (in stripper level amounts) over the third floor railing at the Mall of America on Black Friday. Why did he do so? We’re being given conflicting reasons:

  • Bloomington police, who said it was just a publicity stunt that Vorobyov hoped would persuade his estranged girlfriend to get back together
  • Vorobyov admitted throwing the money, which he had stamped with his YouTube address to direct people to it
  • He says he decided to throw out his “last $1,000 … to spread some holiday cheer … to make it snow money”

The chances of the three reasons all being one big happy accident are slim and none. So what’s the real reason? Who knows, but his act of charity ended in Vorobyov receiving a disorderly conduct ticket. I think the real question is just how much that’ll cost him.