Category: What a Reach!

I think something might be lost in translation

Keeling Pilaro was a high-school boy playing field hockey on an all-girls team. That is no longer a reality.

“They told me I wasn’t allowed to play because I had advanced skills that I learned in Ireland,” Keeling told CBS 2′s Jennifer McLogan.
Mona Rivera of 1010 WINS also talked to Pilaro, who told her, “They told me because I have an adverse effect…and…but they didn’t even explain what the adverse effect was, so that’s what I’m kind of confused about.”

That’s a very kind way of saying you can’t play on this team because of your penis. Which may have an adverse effect on the girls.

Just wait until they get to The Butter Battle Book

In a British Columbia town in Canada, Yertle rhymes with turtle, and along with that, rhymes with “banned messages that can no longer be taught to first grade and highly impressionable children” and “proletariat inspiration for the working class educators.”

So, Theodor Geisel’s got that going for his legacy.

Richard Kelly now creating test questions

Quiz time:

A talking pineapple has challenged a hare to a race. The other animals standing around wager on the immobile pineapple winning the race — and ponder whether it’s tricking them. When the pineapple fails to move and the rabbit wins, the animals dine on the pineapple. Why did the animals eat the talking fruit and which animal was wisest?

If you’re questioning my sanity, stop for a second. You’d also be questioning Pearson, the testing company that created the question, and the New York State Education Department, who allowed the question to be included on state testing exams.

Don’t worry too much, though, as you’d reasonably be taking the position of parents and educators across the state, as no one seems to understand how to correctly answer the question, and the answer may never be known.

State officials wouldn’t divulge the answer and said they couldn’t speculate on whether the questions will be scored or scratched because of the controversy. They also noted that under new state rules, the questions and answers won’t be released.

My theory is the answer is 42.

Emo and myopic traditions return to Japan

In seems like in Japan arranged marriages, a tradition that has been gradually becoming extinct over the past couple of decades, might be making a comeback. Oddly enough last year’s Japanese earthquake might have something to do with it.

David Millward explains that following the natural disaster, many Japanese have turned to traditional values as a coping mechanism. It was a time of reflection during which family and communal bonds became absolutely essential. Many people went as far as to tying the knot for the sake of safeguarding normalcy. An example of the rationalization:

“Many felt that if they died nobody would care, so they thought they should marry.”

Yeesh. Schools and McBournie, can we get an “emooooooo?” 40% of all unions these days are now becoming arranged marriages. Anxious couples mingling under the supervision of chaperones are once again becoming a standard part of the scenery. According to Sasaki Akiko, a Japanese tour guide, there is no reason to be alarmed by this trend, as all arranged marriages have a much lower divorce rate than that for modern partnerships.

“With an arranged marriage, you go into it with both eyes open, with love you always have one eye closed.”

Nope, that’s not myopic and cynical at all.

How dare they cause them to parent!

Ice cream trucks are full of hope and delight. Oh sure, the music can grate after a while, but 85 percent of the time, it’s filled with frozen novelties and milk-based delicious treats, as opposed to the 15 percent that’s filled with pedophiles.

Except for parents in Brooklyn. You see, for them, ice cream trucks are nothing but a horrendous menace. Is it because they cost too much? No. Are they causing their kids to become overweight? No. Is it because when the parents have to tell their children no to the ice cream truck, the offspring proceed to throw a tantrum, thus causing the parents to have to actually parent?

*Sigh* Yes. Yes it is.

Government groping for the perv on a budget

Have you been wishing for a more intimate relationship with a government official, but can’t afford to fly all the time? The U.S. Supreme Court has your kink covered: get arrested for anything.

A 5-4 ruling on Monday has determined that “officials may strip-search people arrested for any offense, however minor, before admitting them to jails even if the officials have no reason to suspect the presence of contraband.” So, whether you’re in for an unpaid parking ticket, which the case was about (and it was later determined that, yes, it had been paid) or for violating a leash law, you, too, can get your junk ogled by a man — or woman — in uniform.

And it’s about time, too, because we’ve been wondering who we have to kill for this kind of service.

Creationists officially become my new enemies of the week

Ho-boy, creationists just became the top of Chris Taylor’s Poop List. New York City’s Department of Education has announced words that it may ban in all standardized testing for its schools. Two examples are “birthday” and “Halloween,” and don’t get me wrong, those are big words to ban, especially because of potentially offending religions.

But there’s another word that’s being bandied about as being banned and that is an action that cannot be condoned: dinosaur.

EVERY SINGLE BOY BETWEEN THE AGES OF 4 AND 58 LOVES DINOSAURS. Dinosaurs were the most amazing creatures ever as a child. To ban their use, simply to not offend creationists, a form of religion that science has proven to be stupid, is offensive to me.

Make the smart move NYDoE: don’t ban the dinosaur.

Are you a man or a rapist?

We can only assume that’s the way Courtney Love feels the Oscar-winning song from The Muppets should be titled. That’s right, Courtney Love has decided to arise in the world once more, this time shouting the dreaded r-word (resplendent?) from the high heavens in the direction of Jim Henson’s lovable creations.

2011’s The Muppets had the indignity – no, the sheer gall – to use Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” during its run-time without asking Love if they could! Doing so was nothing short of raping her!

Except for one small thing:

Love sold half of her rights to Cobain’s catalog to Primary Wave Music, and that this company not only approved the use of the song, but it also secured the approval of the song’s co-writers Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl

Oh. Courtney, maybe you should go back to that hole in the wall you were living in.