Take it from Snee: Beliefs and science don’t mix

So I was watching the National Geograpic Channel last night, and I wound up catching a special on Atlantis.

I have nothing against people searching for mythical places. It’s this kind of dreaming that led to the eventual discovery of the actual city of Troy.

My problem is with leaps of logic that were featured on the show.

Leap #1: Atlantis can be found because Plato wrote about it as a real place. Sure, and John Milton wrote about Heaven and Hell as real places, but that doesn’t mean that we can dig our way to Hades or fly a spaceship to Heaven. And let’s not forget that, although the classic Greek and Roman thinkers were pretty smart, they weren’t always right. Cases in point: believing bees come from dead bulls and art should be censored if it doesn’t instill positive morals (Aristotle and Plato’s Republic).

The launch-point for this disasterous base jump is that Plato’s name is on it. Certain names are given carte blanche to pretty much say anything and have it interpreted as fact. For instance, when Mr. T says he pities fools, we automatically assume said fools are pitied. However, we’re ignoring the overwhelming evidence that, while they are pitied, they are not exempt from a pitiless ass-whooping. While Plato certainly stated a lot of “facts,” the proof is often lost because we don’t have YouTube videos of him contradicting himself in real life (from which no one is exempt).

Leap #2: Hieroglyphics depict a helicopter, submarine and flying saucer. Hieroglyphics are a written language that was only translated as recently as 1822. Any attempt to interpret these symbols without understanding how to read them is akin to looking for pictures in the phone book. “Look! There’s curious dots hovering over certain characters in this book! They look like spaceships over the Washington Monument! That must mean Americans got their government from space aliens!”

Leap #3: Atlanteans left evidence of their existence that we haven’t found yet. The people looking for Atlantis keep describing the ancient Atlanteans as a superintelligent race, yet they couldn’t leave a single record anywhere? Why would displaced survivors of a continent-ending catastrophe not want to leave a historic record somewhere? And if they did, why would they hide it? The answer is simple: they wouldn’t. If fourth-graders are smart enough to create time capsules, these people should have done better.

Leap #4: Aliens or displaced Atlanteans must have taught the Egyptians and Mayans how to build pyramids. This last one is pretty much veiled racism. In the mostly white, all western eyes of Atlantis hunters, brown people can’t build monumental structures out of stone. This, of course, ignores their own contributions to (read: our patent stealing for) our own culture: rockets and gunpowder, pasta, math, writing, money, and Jesus.

And what is their smoking gun on this suicide plunge? It’s a sculpture on a Mayan pyramid that depicts a slightly elongated face with a big nose and lip whiskers. Not only is it incorrect to assume all Mayans were round- and flat-faced and couldn’t grow facial hair, but it doesn’t account for the one universal presence in all cultures: bad artists. Even if we use their (ignorant) evidence, how many bad sculptures have we seen that do not capture their subjects?

It’s okay to believe in places that aren’t proven to exist. That’s the fun part of beliefs: nobody can tell you what you can or can’t believe. But beliefs are not hypotheses, theories or laws. Once you try to apply those to a belief, then you have to wonder why you believed in it in the first place. The results of such attempts result in the entertaining and often insulting leaps in logic listed above. Take it from Snee: just like women and seamen, beliefs and science don’t mix.

Red Cross sees … er, red

Finally, a company with our best interests at heart is finally fighting the machine. By the machine, we mean the Red Cross.

Tired of the Red Cross making money by selling products that help people, and spending that money on further helping people, Johnson and Johnson is demanding all money made from those sales and then some.

The Red Cross is obviously distressed, and is crying to “the courts and Congress.” Of course, Johnson and Johnson has a product that will help.

UFO’s terrorize British; British terrorize everyone else with their teeth

Apparently, UFO’s may or may not have terrorized a town recently. Sound like a bad July 4 based movie? Nah. Think more bad Sci-Fi channel premiere of the week. So, what do we know about what’s happened?

1. The only witnesses were people who were walking out of pubs.
2. The Weekly World News, the “world’s only reliable news paper”, is not behind the incident, as it’s too busy being closed by its parents.
3. Stratford-Upon-Avon contains no stars in its sky whatsoever. Except for four of them.

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

Attention, peoples of Earth:

Not everything is about you.

Out of concern for other terms possibly denigrating others, this blog suggests the following nomenclature changes:

1) The “Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker” must now be called the “Goldenrod-Bellied Sap Consumer.” We’re sorry nobody addressed this sooner, Asians and homosexuals.

2) “Black boxes” on airliners must now be called “dark, fireproof recording device enclosures.” This will alleviate the feelings of African-Americans and women.

3) Communists will resume being called “Commies,” but not “Reds” or “Pinkos.” It was insentive to imply Native Americans, homosexuals and Grease characters embrace the ideology of Marxism and/or Leninism.

4) “Earl Grey tea” will now be called “Earl Ashen tea” out of respect to visiting extraterrestrials who might be insulted that we consume a beverage obviously named after them.


Ever notice that once someone has a personal tragedy, they make it their mission to bug everyone else about it?

The latest threat to beachgoers, just in time for summer solstice, is sand.

Well, to elaborate, sandy holes. (Despite the implication, SFW.)

Key quote: “Since 1985, at least 20 children and young adults in the United States have died in beach or backyard sand submersions.”

For you non-math majors out there, that’s almost one kid (about 91 percent of one) a year for the past 22 years. I think we’ve got ourselves a epidemic–nay! pandemic–here, folks!

Somebody needs a hug

How do you know when adults are out-of-touch?

“You get into shades of gray,” [Kilmer Middle School Principal Deborah] Hernandez said. “The kids say, ‘If he can high-five, then I can do this.'”

We’re guessing that “this” can mean anything from hug to shiv.

Even the reporter, Maria Glod, has no clue as evidenced by the following excerpts:

Some students — and these are friends — play “bloody knuckles,” which involves slamming their knuckles together as hard as they can.

Students won’t get busted if they high-five in class after answering a difficult math problem.