Category: What a Reach!

Science still trying to figure out Chuck Berry

Bruce Springsteen may make you think that he’s there for the working class man. Jon Bon Jovi may have you think that the man is an outlaw with a heart of gold. Jack White would you have believe that you can play any instrument as long as you try and stay funky. John Mayer wants to you to see him as a sexual object made for the pleasure of women around the world. Joan Jett needs you to believe in the power of women and rocking out! You know what all of these people don’t have you thinking?

That not being white is the bee’s knees.

At least, that’s what science is telling us now. According to a study coming from the University of Minnesota, rock music makes people racist, in regards to preference.

After listening to Bruce Springsteen and the White Stripes, the students handed most of the money to white people. ‘Rock music is generally associated with white Americans, so we believe it cues white listeners to think about their positive association with their own in-group,’ said Heather LaMarre, an assistant professor of journalism and mass communication at the University of Minnesota. That was enough for them to show more support for a student group representing mostly whites.’

The Roots and the spectre of Chuck Berry’s meter long king kong ding dong could not be available for questions.

Misanthrope gun of the future looks less than futuristic

Hello there, faithful member of society! Have you been trying to enjoy an espresso, or sitting around on a quiet morning, reading a book at your local cafe when some loud-mouth walks by the open-air, outside porch, talking as if they’re the only person on the street? Ever been standing in line when someone with a voice that has a volume level akin to a Spinal Tap concert gets into the queue, chatting away without a single thought in the world?

Then worry no more! For the small fee of a plane trip to Japan and a nominal amount as a venture capitalist, you can (theoretically) be the owner of a “SHUTTA-UPPA-YO-MOUFFA!” gun. Worry not anymore about politely asking people if they can be a little more discrete with their discussions. Simply point, shoot, and voila, let the confusion arise.

Libraries? Shh’d. Bullies? De-nyah-nyah’d. Free speech? Zipped. Rush Limbaugh? Still fat and calling people sluts, but possibly quieted some.

It’s all or nothing in Utah

I want everyone to pay attention to me for a second. Are you sitting down? I think it’s important that you are. Okay, here I go: a logic-defying bill is about to be made a law in the state of Utah. I think I’m just as shocked as you are.

In the great state of Joseph Smith, Utahraptor ostrommaysorum and NBA dunk contest champions, a bill is being passed around that will require sex education classes to teach abstinence-only education. Which is kind of horrifying.

“We’ve been culturally watered down to think we have to teach about sex, about having sex and how to get away with it, which is intellectually dishonest,” [Representative Bill] Wright said, according to The Salt Lake Tribune. “Why don’t we just be honest with them upfront that sex outside marriage is devastating?”

It’s a good thing that opinions are clearly just opinions and not viewed as fact in Utah, right? Nnnnnh, never mind. On the plus side, now we might be able to get a future appearance of one of John Stamos’ character’s kids from his one appearance on Law & Order: SVU.

School says kids should eat healthier with potentially unhealthier foods, not obviously healthier foods

Nutrition for children isn’t exactly a gray area. Chicken nuggets, obviously, fall under the purview of unhealthy when compared to a turkey sandwich on whole-wheat bread, especially when said sandwich is coupled with a banana and apple juice.

Well, they do in most parts of the world. Where the comparison fails, though, is in Bizarro World, also known as Raeford, North Carolina.

A preschooler brought the aforementioned healthy lunch, along with potato chips, to school. This was a horrible thing to do, because a representative for the Department of Health and Human Services, coincidentally enough checking all lunchboxes that day, decided that the school provided lunch (chicken nuggets, milk, two servings of fruit or veggies and one serving of grain) was better than home provided lunch.

Technically and in the strictest sense, that’s true, but …. chicken nuggets? Really?

Downgrades are the new upgrade

In most of the world, the iPad has become a new standard in the business world. People use it as a launching point for presentations, show demo videos on screens larger than their phone and play Angry Birds when they should be doing their job. But not in all of the world, no. Some parts of the world, well, progress has become slightly halted. Or even reversed.

In (not-so) Soviet Russia, iPad doesn’t replace typewriter, typewriter replaces iPad!

Seriously. The Federal Security Service paid over 2 million spacebucks toilet squares rubles (which comes out to approximately $67,000) just to exchange working iPads with modern typewriters.

In all of my life, that’s not a sentence I ever thought I’d be typing.

Manliest sport in the world comes from … Canada?

Oh Canada. We make jokes and jests about you because you’re fun. Sure, people may say that you’re “too nice” in a pejorative manner, but really, how can being “too nice” actually be a bad thing, hmm? When people say that you’re a simple folk, they don’t mean it in a negative way, they just mean that you’re too innocent to have to dirty your hands in the slightly harsher elements of world politics.

Yes. Sure.

You might have come up with hockey, but curling? A sport that involves brooms? That’s not exactly strong of muscle, and as such, the world knows (but has not castigated) you’ve been trying to compensate for that.

But seriously? Ultimate Tazer Ball? Was the inexistant “Mid-level Tazer Ball” not enough? You do know that Jackass and Mountain Dew are products of the United States, right?

Good thing the NFL kept cameras out of the bathroom

Even though the NFL kept its promise to keep Madonna dressed, the Parents Television Council is up-in-arms because of a bird. NBC censored British singer M.I.A.’s international diplomacy — you know, the finger? — but, it was a half-second too late for the steely gaze of the PTC, who can spot a nipple through a metal doily from a wide-out crane shot.

The PTC had no problem with the rest of Madonna’s show where she outgayed the gayest gay that ever gayed. Clearly, this is both a victory for and challenge to the gay community if they can’t offend America’s scrappiest PTA anymore.

Wahlberg 11: Never Forget

9/11 is a moment in the history of the United States of America that will never be forgotten. It left a moment in generations that can only be equaled by the assassination of JFK and the Challenger explosion. That said, the US and our nation would have suffered much less had actor Mark Wahlberg been on one of the flights that day, rather than having switched flights as he did.

That’s not my crazy and off the wall prediction, that’s Mark Wahlberg’s.

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” Wahlberg says, presumably while making that face where he looks both confused and slightly angry—the sort of expression that says, “Hey, just who the hell do you think you’re dealing with?” that would have totally thrown the hijackers off. Wahlberg added, “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

Crazy cat lady dead, still crazy in death

I really don’t understand crazy people.

When they’re alive, they make everything weird. They don’t really add anything to the party, they just creep out everyone. Then they die, yet somehow, they still manage to make things weird, usually through a legacy of some sort. And I’m not talking about people with actual mental and chemical imbalances, I’m talking about the completely odd people: MJ, Howard Hughes, Nicholas Cage, those type of people. Oh, and Maria Assunta.

Maria Assunta left the fortune to her beloved kitty Tommaso when she died two weeks ago at the age of 94. The feline’s newfound riches include cash, as well as properties in Rome, Milan and land in Calabria.

For those curious, the fortune is valued at 13 million dollars. And it was given to a former stray cat. Mind you, for legal reasons, the money has been left to the cat via the nurse. But still. Congratulations, Assunta. Your legacy will now fuel a war for ages … for the wrong side.

Thai government politely asks bloggers to refrain from criticism

Thailand — the pederasty capital of the world — has imprisoned an American citizen, Joe Gordon, for the crime of insulting the curry-farting Thai monarchy online. Gordon was sentenced to a reduced sentence of two and a half years for posting translations from a book about the family (who also enjoy the smell of those farts) while living in the U.S. over two years ago.

Although Gordon is the first American sent to prison by Thailand for insulting their presumably inbred royalty, at least two others have also been jailed this year. One was a 61-year-old grandmother, who will spend the next 20 years in prison for sending text messages that insulted the big-boned queen. Another person was sentenced to 13 years, where he can think long and hard about why the Thai monarchy is so thin-skinned and lily-livered.

I think the message here is pretty clear, you guys. The Thai royal family is off limits, especially

  • their four-eyed king.
  • a queen who picks her nose whenever she thinks nobody is looking.
  • and a crown prince who’s OK for a guy throws like a girl.

It’s not cool to make fun of them, OK? So, don’t do it.