Hi guys, so I won’t be doing this next week, because it’s the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, and I think we all know that you won’t be reading. Like you, I’ve got plans for the long weekend, and they involve driving long distances and probably sitting in a decent amount of traffic both getting there and coming back. Maybe if there’s a huge backup we can all get out of our cars and have an impromptu picnic like people do. I’ve always wanted to be in one of those. If you were busy falling off the stage during your band’s first gig of the tour this week, odds are you missed it.
Channing Tatum in: White House Drone
This week, Secret Service agents detained a man who they said was flying a drone near the White House, less than a day after the FAA declared Washington, D.C. a “no drone zone.” The man was released and given back his drone after he informed authorities that it was “opposite day.”
Voice actor Harry Shearer announced that after some 25 years, he is leaving The Simpsons. He voiced dozens of characters on the show, including Ned Flanders and C. Montgomery Burns. The announcement prompted the internet to simultaneously state that it hasn’t watched that show in years, while hoping that new actors are hired so that the show doesn’t go off the air.
Aussies value the safety of their sheep
The Australian government threatened to put down Johnny Depp’s dogs this week. The actor is in the country filming the next Pirates of the Caribbean film, and brought his two Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, in violation of the country’s quarantine laws. Luckily, Depp had them flown back to the U.S. before the Aussies destroyed them. Australia should be more concerned with the public health risk Depp himself presents. Mordecai, The Lone Ranger, Dark Shadows and The Tourist? That man is box office poison.
Every now and then, corporate America latches on to a song and decides we need to hear it a million times — not just on the radio, but in ads, too. Right now, it’s that damn “Renegades” song by a band you’ve never heard of. The worst part about a band selling out and putting their song in a commercial to make it big is that commercials run about five times every half hour. I wouldn’t complain if commercials went back to using faux-dubstep or their best impression of a Black Keys song. If you were busy releasing a report on the dumbest sports controversy ever this week, odds are you missed it.
No one wants Dallas
This week, the Pentagon had to explain that an upcoming training exercise involving special forces is not an attempt by the federal government to take over Texas, after Gov. Greg Abbott told the state national guard to monitor the operation and ensure that citizens’ rights aren’t infringed upon. Oh Texas, you’re so cute when you think you’re not a conquered people.
Meanwhile, in sports everyone has an opinion about
Following his loss to noted domestic abuser Floyd Mayweather, boxer Manny Pacquiao is facing a $5 million lawsuit for not disclosing his shoulder injury, which he will have operated on. People are upset that they bet money on a fighter without knowing everything about his condition. Folks, putting money on the outcome of a sporting event is called a gamble, not an investment.
Woman gives birth
Hey, remember that country we fought a couple wars against a couple centuries ago? They were all tyrannical and stuff? As it turns out, in the 21st century, they still have a family that tax dollars pay for to live in palaces and travel the world. I know, right! Not only that, but apparently they had a kid this week. What’s that? Oh, I don’t know. I think it was a girl or something probably.
More than 50 years ago, the White House and the press had a cordial relationship. That’s how Kennedy got away with banging anything with breasts that was within 500 feet of him. The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is a holdover from that time. Today, it’s just an annual thing where the lazy reporters who work too closely with administration officials meet up and pass inside jokes to each other, all while hoping to meet B list celebrities in attendance. This thing needs to go. Or I need to get invited next year, because let’s face it, who doesn’t want to meet Wolf Blitzer? If you were busy reuniting with the Blowfish this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, for the second week in a row, protesters took to the streets of Baltimore to call attention to the death of a young black man, Freddie Gray, who died while in police custody. Protests turned violent on Monday when cars and buildings were damaged and set on fire. Former Baltimore Ravens star Ray Lewis released a video pleading with the city’s youth to stay home and not riot. Ray Lewis. Ray “Obstruction of Justice” Lewis. Folks, when a guy who kept secrets about a murder is calling for calm, your city is in trouble.
Bison State curious
North Dakota state Rep. Randy Boehning recently voted against a bill that would have provided protections for the state’s LGBT community. That’s why it was so surprising that the Republican lawmaker’s profile in gay hook-up app Grindr was found earlier this week. Randy Boehning, which really is his name, has a history of voting against legal protections of gays, which is why he should have no problem when homophobic voters fire him for being gay.
More like Hateful Eight
Native American actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler’s latest film, which is said to be a spoof of The Magnificent Seven. The actors complained that the script was racially insensitive and the crew didn’t want to make any changes. Hard to believe charges like that against a guy who did a movie with Rob Schneider in yellowface.
I’m sick of trying to be the best at everything. Like when people say, “Have a great day!” that puts a lot of pressure on me. The quality of my day is typically out of my hands, especially if it’s not the weekend. I just want to be good enough. It requires a lot less effort, and you don’t have to feel like a failure if you’re not great. Maybe don’t try for an awesome weekend, just try to relax at some point. You’ll do just fine. If you were busy defending your quackery on national television this week, odds are you missed it.
You shall be judged
This week, a volcano in Chile suddenly and violently erupted, prompting the evacuation of a nearby town. It’s the first time it’s erupted in 42 years. The volcano spewed so much ash into the air that it formed its own cloud nine miles high. Then the cloud had lightning. Yes, there was lightning in a volcanic eruption. Now may be a good time to get right with your chosen deity.
A week before their return, the Avengers are under assault. First, Robert Downey Jr. walked out of an interview because the reporter was going off topic and being rude. Iron Man’s not going to take that. Later, Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner bore the brunt of online rage when they called the Black Widow a “slut” and “whore” because of her flirtiness. Let’s be fair though, Captain America is from a different time, so he can’t be blamed. And when was the last time that anyone cared what Hawkeye said or did?
We all report cramps after ice cream
Blue Bell Creamery announced the recall of all of its products in 20 different states after several cases of listeria were reported related to its ice cream treats. Any food safety scare can be cause for concern, but when was the last time you had ice cream and then lost 10 lbs.?
Look, I like beer. I drink it, some would say too much of it, and I brew my own every now and then. I’m pretty glad to see that people are trying out new beers and testing the boundaries all the time. But there are some things that just don’t need to happen, like New Belgium and Ben & Jerry’s teaming up for Salted Caramel Brownie brown ale. I like New Belgium, they do some fine beers. And I like Ben & Jerry’s, especially since I’m from Vermont. But that doesn’t mean that we need a beer that tastes like ice cream. If craft beer drinkers can criticize A-B Inbev for their [Fruit Flavor]-A-Rita abominations, they must hit New Belgium just as hard. If you were busy getting reinstated by the NFL after beating your child this week, odds are you missed it.
The mail gets through
This week, the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., was shut down when a gyrocopter landed nearby. The pilot was Douglas Hughes, a 61-year-old mailman from Florida, because of course he was. He was arrested immediately. The man told a local newspaper his plans days before he carried them out, but it was still news to Capitol security forces. Remember when crazy mailmen would shoot-up their workplaces? Who says the world’s not getting better?
When Matthew McConaughey cries
Predictably, people collectively lost their minds after another trailer for the new Star Wars movie dropped this week. This one showed the famed Millennium Falcon being chased by Imperial forces, like the last one. However, considering what we now know about Harrison Ford’s flying abilities, we should give Chewbacca more credit than we do for keeping that thing in one piece.
The bus is on fire
Country group Lady Antebellum’s tour bus caught fire in Texas on Thursday. The bus was pretty much gutted, but everyone got out of the bus without being harmed. Don’t worry, God, you’ll get them next time.
Bryan McBournie is off today, the rumor going around is that he’s holed up in his apartment with a bottle of NyQuil mumbling something about Clay Buchholz to his turtle. We assume he’ll be back next week, you know, unless we have to check him into rehab for his addiction to “the Quil.” Anyway, it’s been a busy news week and if you were busy getting rightfully judged for crimes committed in the state of Massachusetts, odds are you missed it.
One for the thumb
The Duke Blue Devils won their fifth NCAA men’s basketball championship this week, knocking off Wisconsin 68-63. The game featured some questionable officiating in the second half as the Blue Devils were able to come back from nine late and give Duke fanboys a reason to wear a quintuple-popped collar.
Kurt Cobain, remember him? Anyway, he had a daughter with Courtney Love a while back, Frances Bean Cobain. She decided to do an interview with Rolling Stone about her deceased rock star dad. During the interview, she was quoted as saying “I don’t really like Nirvana.” It’s still a better answer than most 23-year-olds today who either say “Who?” or “I just liked the smiley face t-shirt.”
Wel, that’s not fare
Kansas (the most progressive state since Illinois) is banning the use of welfare funds on anything … fun. That’s right folks, no more tattoos, booze, vacations or vacations where you get tattoos of booze. From now on welfare recipients will have to spend our government the good old fashioned way, on groceries and life supplies for their family.
Easter as an adult isn’t much fun. Sure, you can enjoy an Easter lamb or ham feast, and maybe snack on some candy, but besides that, it’s sort of dull. The best you can hope for is getting excited to dress up your kid–if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s not like Christmas, which is the best day ever for children, and a license to booze for adults. We should make Easter a mini-Christmas for adults, starting with boozy office parties. If you were busy working out a nuclear deal with Iran this week, odds are you missed it.
Too much sausage for one pizza joint
This week, Indiana came under fire for passing a bill that critics say will mix church and state, and allow businesses to turn customers away for religious reasons, including if they are gay. When owners of a pizza place said they support the law, they too faced criticism. Like-minded bigots raised $400,000 for the establishment in an online campaign. Now where will Ted Cruz’s campaign getting funding from? His supporters just tapped themselves out.
A few months at sea
A passing ship saved a sailor who had been lost at sea for 66 days on Thursday. Authorities say Louis Jordan took his wooden sailboat out on a fishing trip in January. The boat capsized, most its mast, then righted itself again. He was found hundreds of miles off the coast of North Carolina by a passing cargo ship. Upon returning to land, Jordan said, “I’m happy to be alive, and Selma really got snubbed on Oscar nominations, huh?”
That’s not something to brag about
British Prime Minister David Cameron said in an interview that he is related to the Kardashians. He said they have a common ancestor, who was born in 1555. It’s good to see Europeans claiming relations to U.S. royalty for a change.
It’s tough to get a handle on Will Ferrell. He’s done some great work, and he’s a diverse comic. But when he makes a terrible movie, he really goes all the way. He’ll make stinkers like Land of the Lost, then do some beer ads that go viral, so you really can’t hate him. But good god does Get Hard look bad. Then again, that probably means the next thing he does will be great. If you were busy quitting a boy band this week, odds are you missed it.
TV time warp
It’s been a big week for 90s shows. Fox announced that The X-Files, complete with the creator Chris Carter and stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, will return for six episodes this summer, and ABC ordered a new season of the old NBC show Coach. ABC is reportedly betting that the football fans who watched the show have so much brain damage they don’t remember the original run.
Ted Cruz, physicist
During a speech this week, presidential candidate Ted Cruz compared himself to Galileo. Cruz said that his skepticism of climate change are not unlike Galileo, who believed in the then controversial theory that the Earth and other planets orbited the sun. Cruz added that he’s like Galileo, because the Italian physicist recanted his theory under pressure from the Catholic Church, and we now know today that heliocentrism is nothing but a conspiracy among the scientific community to bilk funding money from the federal government.
Don Draper dries out
It was announced this week that Jon Hamm, who plays the hard-drinking and womanizing Don Draper on Mad Men, recently completed a 30-day stint in rehab for alcohol abuse. So I guess he’s not a method actor, after all.
It’s March Madness time again. It’s the time where everyone acts like they care about basketball, much less college basketball, and the nation looks the other way on illegal gambling. We have to act like we care about it, because for a few weeks, it’s everywhere. CBS has every single one of its networks airing as many games as possible, some of which feature commentary by Charles Barkley for some reason. All of this coverage, and the ad revenue it brings in, and not one cent for mental illness research. I call that a sham. If you were busy filling out a bracket this week, odds are you missed it.
Bag-o-wine: The silent killer
This week, a class-action lawsuit was filed against 30 California winemakers, the ones that make the cheap stuff your girlfriend and her drunk friends always get. They lawsuit claims that the cheap wines have more arsenic in them than should be fit for public consumption. So if you care about your health and your wallet, drink liquor.
A Schocking turn of events
This week, Rep. Aaron Schock, R-Ill., said he plans to resign from Congress amid a scandal involving improper funding for campaigns and travel, as well as failure to report gifts of money from donors. The FBI investigation is a black eye for what is otherwise seen as the incorruptible state of Illinois. Schock’s pending resignation also leaves Congress without its most rockingly-named member. That honor now falls to, you guessed it, Rep. Rodney P. Frelinghuysen, R-N.J.
Still better than Vegas Vacation
Actor and noted crazy person Randy Quaid posted his a new video online this week, his latest in a series of ranty videos from his hideout somewhere in Canada. In it, he rants about how Rupert Murdoch hasn’t thanked him properly for his work in Independence Day. He then has his wife put on a Murdoch mask and simulates having sex with her. What’s worse, is that it’s mostly the same stuff he and his wife have done in previous videos. Does anyone not see this story ending in a muder-suicide?
So they’re working on a Zoolander 2. I guess that’s not a terrible thing, but I don’t get the excitement around it. Admittedly, I wasn’t a huge fan of the first one, “really dumb lead character does really dumb things” movies have never really done it for me, and I know I’m in the minority. What I don’t get isn’t the appeal of the first movie, it’s the appeal of a sequel coming out 15 years after the first. Fifteen! The movie is so old that we were watching TV ads for it before 9/11. Stop and think about how long ago that was. I hate to see something like this happen, because it’s a sure sign Ben Stiller is out of ideas. If you were busy quitting your new fashion humor show this week, odds are you missed it.
Left to chants
This week, a chapter of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at the University in Oklahoma got in trouble when a video of the group’s brothers doing a racist chant surfaced. The school kicked the frat out, and expelled at least two students in the video. But don’t worry, they were offered jobs with the Ferguson Police Department.
Giuliani hasn’t been keeping up with headlines lately
Former New York City Mayor and Guy Who’s Totally Not Running for President Rudy Giuliani has some advice for President Barack Obama. He said Obama should, and this is true, be more like Bill Cosby. You can find this insight and more in Giuliani’s new book, Date Rape Diplomacy.
Scientists still trying to figure out what they’re lacking
A new study has found that people look for someone they can have fun with when they are selecting a partner for a relationship. There you have it, if you’re alone, it’s because everyone thinks you’re no fun to be around.