Generally, NASCAR is pretty funny. It’s a sport where spectators’ goal is to get a drunk as possible beforehand and then dodge flying debris during. It’s a symbol for life, really. You spend the whole time trying to maintain your buzz, watching people you’ll never be compete for the entertainment of thousands, going in circles all the while. But today, we can’t make fun of racing, because they lost one of their own. Dick Trickle was found dead of an apparent suicide. Stop snickering at his name, you guys. If you were busy explaining to the insurance company about how your car got closed in a gate this week, odds are you missed it.
A city hits rock bottom
Toronto has had an unusually hard week. After battling back in the series to force a game 7, the Maple Leafs fell to the Boston Bruins in overtime. Then it was reported that people are shopping around a video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. Your hockey team lost to the Bruins in the first round and your mayor is caught smoking the rock? Congratulations, Toronto, you’re Washington, D.C. in 1990!
From the Hill looking down
It was uncovered this week that IRS agents targeted groups with conservative-sounding names seeking nonprofit status in recent years, which has drawn criticism from conservative lawmakers. Further Congressional hearings were also called investigating last September’s Bengazi attack, which was investigated months ago. The House also voted for the 37th time to repeal Obamacare. Any day now, lawmakers are going to get around to that sequestration thing.
There is not enough soap to get you clean
This week, an anonymous bidder purchased a topless painting of Bea Arthur for $1.9 million dollars. The painting was done in 1991, and Arthur did not sit for the work of art. The bidder reportedly is planning to spend the entire weekend alone in his room.
If you ask me, Mother’s Day is sexist. First off, the only people who celebrate it happen to be women. Coincidence? I think not. This holiday isn’t even for all women, it’s just the ones who have given birth. Holidays are supposed to be for everyone, but no, not this one. It’s got elitism written all over it. I’d be more inclined to celebrate this holiday if recent mothers would give me just one day without posting pictures of their kids on Facebook. Your kid looks the same has he did yesterday. If you were busy installing the spire on the new World Trade Center this week, odds are you missed it.
Expect more race pandering in 2016
This week, the U.S. Census Bureau reported that black people out-voted white people last November, the first time his has happened in a presidential election since 1968. Over 66% of eligible blacks voted in the 2012 while only 64.1% of eligible white people voted. I think we all know that the system is rigged in favor of minorities.
That’s enough, Bieber
In a polarized political climate, the one thing we can agree on is that Justin Bieber sucks. According to a recent poll, both Democrats and Republicans expressed disapproval of the singer. Respondents also said that out of a list of pop stars, they would most likely vote for Justin Timberlake for president. In other news, they’re using chemical weapons in the Syrian civil war.
A blow to DIYers, gun enthusiasts
The federal government banned the distribution of designs for a plastic gun, which could be used on a 3-D printer. Defense Distributed, based in, you guess it, Texas, said it was ordered by the State Department to pull the designs for the 15-part firearm. The administration cited the threat posed by plastic guns in In the Line of Fire, and there are only so many Clint Eastwoods.
This hasn’t been the best week to be a formerly-famous musician. Country singer George Jones was buried this week. He died last Friday after somehow surviving his drunken blur of a life for 81 years. Chris Kelly of the 90s rap group Kris Kross died this week. Only thing is, a large number of people on Twitter thought it was Christopher Cross. At least people were talking about him again. If you were busy getting ready for the big race this week, odds are you missed it.
Look out, Rome! This week, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI (did I get the numerals right, Rick?) moved back into the Vatican. It’s the first time ever that there have been two popes at the Vatican at the same time, not counting the dead guys in the basement. Popes Francis and Benedict said they are looking forward to being roommates, and encourage everyone to watch their new sit-com. In the first episode, they fight over the top bunk.
Crafting a relationship Martha Stewart is looking for love, and if you’re on Match.com, you might be in her sights. Apparently when she’s not making fun little crafts, selling her line of products or (I assume) cursing the existence of Pinterest, Stewart is putting herself on the market. Potential suitors should like long walks on the beach, know how to properly use a melon baller, and be OK with a criminal history.
Dew not be offended Mountain Dew pulled an ad this week after it was called insensitive. I would like to know who shoots a commercial about a victim of assault looking at a lineup of black men and a talking goat that warns her not to snitch? How could they have possibly thought that the goat community wouldn’t get upset with that?
The furloughs for air traffic controllers began earlier this week, delaying flights on perfectly good days, I should know, because my flight yesterday was delayed. As I’m sitting there in the airport waiting over an hour for my flight to board, I read the headline on my phone that the House passed a bill to end the FAA furloughs. Great timing, jerks. If you were busy getting drafted into the NFL this week, odds are you missed it.
‘I’m the Archiver‘
All five living presidents gathered in Texas this week for the opening of George W. Bush’s presidential library. Each chief executive took a few moments to honor the opening of the building, as well as reflect on the importance of the younger Bush’s administration. One of the features of the library that was highlighted was the section on Weapons of Mass Destruction, which visitors are challenged to find.
Jury of (foreigner) peers
Jury duty is one of the worst things about being an American citizen, second only to draft eligibility and voting. But in California, immigrants might get in on the fun. The state legislature is considering a bill that would allow non-citizens who are in the U.S. legally to serve on juries. Great, more American jobs being taken foreigners.
This should get sampled in no time
This week, a wax audio recording of Alexander Graham Bell was found in the Smithsonian archives. Dating back to 1885, it is the only known recording of Bell’s voice. On the recording, the inventor of the telephone says, “Hear my voice, Alexander Graham Bell.” He then goes on to say, “9/11 was an inside job.”
This has been a hell of a week. Those words were intentional. Some really bad things happened, people died, people were injured, but things are starting to get better. We see it in the actions of police and other first responders rushing to help, and we see it in the people of Boston, who are dutifully staying inside today, no doubt wishing they had thought to go to the liquor store last night. If you were busy getting inducted into the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame this week, odds are you missed it.
Elvis has left his sanity
Kevin Curtis, a 45-years-old Elvis impersonator, allegedly sent letters containing the poison ricin to President Barack Obama and Sen. Roger Wicker. The letters were intercepted, and Curtis was arrested at his home in Mississippi. That ought to keep Saturday service in place. I’ve been saying it for years now, we need to be watching these people. They present a threat to our national security.
Eat it, safety mongers!
A victory was won for the armed anonymous this week, when a bill that would require universal background checks when purchasing firearms was defeated in the Senate. The bill would have made it a law that background checks would be required even when buying a gun at a show or off of an owner. This is huge for privacy advocates, who say that while it’s fine for the feds to know our address, income, political party affiliation, Social Security number and automobile ownership, whether we have a criminal record or are mentally competent to own a gun is none of their business.
Out scouts allowed in?
The Boy Scouts of America this week unveiled a proposal that would allow for gay scouts to stay in the club, but gay scout masters would still not be allowed. The proposal will be voted on at their nationwide meeting in May, or as it is more commonly called, “conclave.”
In the past, I’ve been pretty critical about 3D stuff, whether it’s movies, TVs or phones. I still think all of those things suck, but for different reasons. The only one that has a place is 3D cinema, only when it’s not overdone. It’s probably true that the only way a 3D movie isn’t overdone is if it was made before the technology was ever around, so it was shot like, you know, a movie. So there’s a good chance I’m going to see Jurassic Park in 3D this weekend. Hopefully I can warn Muldoon this time. If you were busy introducing your creepy new Android app this week, odds are you missed it.
And they still finished 44-51
Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice was fired this week, as were several of those around him, after videos of his abusive coaching style were released. The videos showed Rice grabbing players, violently moving them around the court, throwing basketballs at them, and using homophobic slurs. In future news, college baseball coaches across the country are being fired for slapping their players’ asses after good plays.
In a world without Roger Ebert …
A day after announcing that he was going to scale back his movie reviews for the Chicago Sun-Times, Roger Ebert died. The cancer that took his jaw a few years ago came back, this time in his hip. Ebert’s wife said he passed peacefully, and that his last words were “On second thought, The Godfather Part III wasn’t that bad.”
Walking is a serious crime
The city of Bethel, Alaska is considering outlawing walking around under the influence. The argument for the measure is that with the roads as unsafe at night in the winter as it is, walking along the roads with a decent buzz going, which is probably the only way you can stand being outside in the first place, is dangerous. The proposal would make the only safe way to get home from a bar on your own to be by dogsled.
You may have thought that the season of Lent was leading up to Good Friday and Easter, a snap count to the death of Jesus, the original comeback kid, but you’re wrong. This year, it’s a countdown to Major League Baseball’s opening day. Baseball is staying true to its Jewish and Muslim roots by kicking off the new season on one of the biggest Christian holidays. Some scholars believe that Pontius Pilate invented the game itself, beating Abner Doubleday by a good 1,800 years. If you were busy apologizing for having an affair this week, odds are you missed it.
Gays get their days in court
This week, the Supreme Court heard two different cases regarding gay marriage, or marriage equality, or the freedom of marriage, depending on where you are on the issue and which trench you’re in in the war of words. The justices are not expected to make a ruling until June. Between now and then, they will probably review the arguments made by all parties, then consult the Constitution, while Justice Antonin Scalia is expected to go cruising for bears in some of the seedier D.C. bars. Observers are uncertain of how the court will rule on California’s Proposition 8, but seem confident that the justices will reach around and overturn the Defense of Marriage Act.
So begins a 13-month retirement party
It was a scant 50 years ago that a plucky reporter named Barbara Walters came on the journalism scene, one of the first women to make it to the national level. She has covered everything from the Nixon administration to Whoopi Goldberg, but in May 2014, she’s going to retire. The 83-year-old Walters said her reasons were the desire to have more free time and the fact that there aren’t any softer lenses to blur her image any further, short of pixelation.
And in entertainment news
Lindsay Lohan is back at it again. This week, she walked off the set of Charlie Sheen’s show Anger Management with jewelry, then she flew to Brazil to promote something, probably a fancy Brazilian vodka or lemon-scented crotch wax. She was at a club in Sao Paulo and began drawing attention, so she hid herself under the DJ booth table, because no one would look there. Lohan’s actions are part of her ongoing spiral into oblivion, but hey, what’s more entertaining than standing by while someone cries for help?
Remember 1998, if you can. Bill Clinton was president, the Spice Girls were considered musicians, and we had two asteroid movies. We went for years and years without a single major “asteroid is coming to end humanity” movie, and then BAM, we get Deep Impact and Armageddon. How does that happen? Well, this year we’re getting two different “White House gets overrun by terrorists” movies. I can’t remember the last time we even had one in that vein, unless you count Air Force One. We need Congressional hearings examining why this is happening. If you were busy asking Kate Upton to your prom this week, odds are you missed it.
The tweet heard round the world
This week, Yoko Ono tweeted a picture of John Lennon’s bloody glasses, with a statement about the thousands of Americans who have been killed by guns since her husband was shot in 1980. It was then retweeted by President Barack Obama’s campaign arm, Organizing for Action, which got people talking. Only thing is, it’s just a cropped photo of Ono’s “Season of Glass” album cover. The photo has existed for over 30 years, but it’s only now gaining popularity, because no one listens to Yoko Ono, and they just assume the picture has a cool Instagram filter on it.
The age-old Harvard-New Mexico rivalry
March Insanity is off and running. Yesterday, the first round began, and productivity in the U.S. dropped significantly. A lot of people are complaining that their brackets are already shot, after Harvard beat New Mexico in a 68-62 stunner. This is not the first or last time that people who went to Harvard made you lose money.
Coming soon to fanfiction
Joe Jonas, who is apparently one of the Jonas brothers, denied rumors that there is a sex tape of he and his girlfriend. The rumor claimed that the video showed Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler, what a name, and was shot by a third party. Jonas tweeted, and this is true, “Ball gag? Really? Me?” I think that’s also the title of the next album.
You should probably be reading this with a beer in your hand. After all, it’s St. Patrick’s Day weekend. You never see superheroes celebrating holidays anymore. You never see Spider-man snatch a pint of Guinness with his webslingers. Why is that? I’m sure Superman and Captain America used to be all about Christmas, but are now more secular. The only one who has a good excuse is Batman, because someone always seems to be causing trouble for him around Halloween. If you were busy locked up in conclave this week, odds are you missed it.
A return to arms
This week, North Korea declared the 1953 armistice that ended the Korean War invalid for the third time in 10 years. The country cited provocation from a war exercise with the U.S. and its allies in the Pacific Ocean, and U.N. sanctions for North Korea’s nuclear testing. But really, we all know that Kim Jong Un is really just doing this to get another season of M*A*S*H.
One cardinal gets a new hat
The College of Cardinals elected Ramón José Castellano from Argentina as the new pope. Pope Francis is known for is opposition to his country’s movement to allow gay marriage. While addressing the crowd that gathered at the Vatican, he moderated his views on the subject, saying he might come around if his son comes out of the closet.
Hockey. Get excited
The NHL approved a realignment this week that it hopes will shake things up and get more fans excited. Under the plan, some teams will be shuffled around into slightly different regional groups, which the league hopes will cut down on time zone conflicts when the big games are on. The NHL is also considering an aggressive “Hey, we exist!” ad campaign and a reboot of the whole franchise.
Today is International Women’s Day, which I’m sure I didn’t need to remind you. I know you’ve spent weeks planning your IWD festivities. In fact, I’d be shocked if you’re not hammered right now. Is this a new holiday? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it. I guess you’re supposed to celebrate it by refraining from sexist comments, or stop and think before calling someone the B word. The good news is that the other 364 days of the year are still Internationals Men’s Day. If you were busy nervously interviewing Mila Kunis this week, odds are you missed it.
Because terrorists don’t drink
The TSA announced this week that it will loosen some of its rules on what passengers can take in their carry-on bags when they fly. For the first time since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, passengers can bring their baseball bats and golf clubs with them, which will undoubtedly be a praised by the Airborne Sportsmen Association. Also allowed are knives with blades less than two inches long. This means that you can bring your corkscrew with you. It’s only a matter of time before the TSA relaxes on liquids rules and lets you bring your wine, too.
Droning on and on
As a dud of a snowstorm circled Washington, D.C. this week, Sen. Rand Paul opted for an old-school filibuster of the confirmation of John Brennan as CIA director, because the Obama administration didn’t expressly say that it wouldn’t use drones to kill Americans. Despite it being completely lawful for the military to kill anyone deemed an enemy combatant, inside the U.S. or out, Paul rambled for 13 hours about how flying robots were coming to kill us all. After the senator eventually lifted his block on Brennan’s nomination, the drone circling the Capitol was called off.
And they all wear high school rings
With Pope Benedict XVI out of power, the College of Cardinals has to choose his successor. This week they met as a sort of social gathering, and announced that they will begin the papal conclave next Tuesday. Like any college party, and in accordance with Vatican law, it’s expected that the leader of the group will the one who can do the longest keg stand.