It seems like every time we start having a national conversation about something, there’s always one faction that wonders what the Founding Fathers would say about the issue. This has always struck me as crazy. You know how talking with your grandparents eventually leads to them saying something horribly outdated and makes you feel awkward? Multiply that by five times. That’s how backward those people would be in any conversation by today’s standards. If you were busy beating Canada to win a gold medal this week, odds are you missed it.
“It says here I shouldn’t call you losers”
During a meeting discussing last week’s mass shooting at a high school in Florida, President Donald Trump was caught holding a card with a few empathetic responses, including, “I hear you.” People criticized him for this, but I’m glad he had an empathy card with him. It’s a welcome change from what he normally reads from, Cards Against Humanity.
Second Lady Karen Pence this week at a conservative conference portrayed her husband as a regular guy, who enjoys kicking back on Friday nights with a pizza and some O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer. You know, a regular guy who calls his wife “mother,” refuses to eat with women who aren’t his wife, and drinks fake beer on his cheat day.
Used to be the pizza guy arrived when the sex started
Speaking of pizza, an adult toy company has just released a smart vibrator that can be, and this is true, order you a pizza after you finish using it. Ladies, save yourselves some money. Get a boyfriend, he’ll gladly pay for pizza after you’re done.
In the past, I’ve been pretty critical about 3D stuff, whether it’s movies, TVs or phones. I still think all of those things suck, but for different reasons. The only one that has a place is 3D cinema, only when it’s not overdone. It’s probably true that the only way a 3D movie isn’t overdone is if it was made before the technology was ever around, so it was shot like, you know, a movie. So there’s a good chance I’m going to see Jurassic Park in 3D this weekend. Hopefully I can warn Muldoon this time. If you were busy introducing your creepy new Android app this week, odds are you missed it.
And they still finished 44-51
Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice was fired this week, as were several of those around him, after videos of his abusive coaching style were released. The videos showed Rice grabbing players, violently moving them around the court, throwing basketballs at them, and using homophobic slurs. In future news, college baseball coaches across the country are being fired for slapping their players’ asses after good plays.
In a world without Roger Ebert …
A day after announcing that he was going to scale back his movie reviews for the Chicago Sun-Times, Roger Ebert died. The cancer that took his jaw a few years ago came back, this time in his hip. Ebert’s wife said he passed peacefully, and that his last words were “On second thought, The Godfather Part III wasn’t that bad.”
Walking is a serious crime
The city of Bethel, Alaska is considering outlawing walking around under the influence. The argument for the measure is that with the roads as unsafe at night in the winter as it is, walking along the roads with a decent buzz going, which is probably the only way you can stand being outside in the first place, is dangerous. The proposal would make the only safe way to get home from a bar on your own to be by dogsled.
You may have thought that the season of Lent was leading up to Good Friday and Easter, a snap count to the death of Jesus, the original comeback kid, but you’re wrong. This year, it’s a countdown to Major League Baseball’s opening day. Baseball is staying true to its Jewish and Muslim roots by kicking off the new season on one of the biggest Christian holidays. Some scholars believe that Pontius Pilate invented the game itself, beating Abner Doubleday by a good 1,800 years. If you were busy apologizing for having an affair this week, odds are you missed it.
Gays get their days in court
This week, the Supreme Court heard two different cases regarding gay marriage, or marriage equality, or the freedom of marriage, depending on where you are on the issue and which trench you’re in in the war of words. The justices are not expected to make a ruling until June. Between now and then, they will probably review the arguments made by all parties, then consult the Constitution, while Justice Antonin Scalia is expected to go cruising for bears in some of the seedier D.C. bars. Observers are uncertain of how the court will rule on California’s Proposition 8, but seem confident that the justices will reach around and overturn the Defense of Marriage Act.
So begins a 13-month retirement party
It was a scant 50 years ago that a plucky reporter named Barbara Walters came on the journalism scene, one of the first women to make it to the national level. She has covered everything from the Nixon administration to Whoopi Goldberg, but in May 2014, she’s going to retire. The 83-year-old Walters said her reasons were the desire to have more free time and the fact that there aren’t any softer lenses to blur her image any further, short of pixelation.
And in entertainment news
Lindsay Lohan is back at it again. This week, she walked off the set of Charlie Sheen’s show Anger Management with jewelry, then she flew to Brazil to promote something, probably a fancy Brazilian vodka or lemon-scented crotch wax. She was at a club in Sao Paulo and began drawing attention, so she hid herself under the DJ booth table, because no one would look there. Lohan’s actions are part of her ongoing spiral into oblivion, but hey, what’s more entertaining than standing by while someone cries for help?
Remember 1998, if you can. Bill Clinton was president, the Spice Girls were considered musicians, and we had two asteroid movies. We went for years and years without a single major “asteroid is coming to end humanity” movie, and then BAM, we get Deep Impact and Armageddon. How does that happen? Well, this year we’re getting two different “White House gets overrun by terrorists” movies. I can’t remember the last time we even had one in that vein, unless you count Air Force One. We need Congressional hearings examining why this is happening. If you were busy asking Kate Upton to your prom this week, odds are you missed it.
The tweet heard round the world
This week, Yoko Ono tweeted a picture of John Lennon’s bloody glasses, with a statement about the thousands of Americans who have been killed by guns since her husband was shot in 1980. It was then retweeted by President Barack Obama’s campaign arm, Organizing for Action, which got people talking. Only thing is, it’s just a cropped photo of Ono’s “Season of Glass” album cover. The photo has existed for over 30 years, but it’s only now gaining popularity, because no one listens to Yoko Ono, and they just assume the picture has a cool Instagram filter on it.
The age-old Harvard-New Mexico rivalry
March Insanity is off and running. Yesterday, the first round began, and productivity in the U.S. dropped significantly. A lot of people are complaining that their brackets are already shot, after Harvard beat New Mexico in a 68-62 stunner. This is not the first or last time that people who went to Harvard made you lose money.
Coming soon to fanfiction
Joe Jonas, who is apparently one of the Jonas brothers, denied rumors that there is a sex tape of he and his girlfriend. The rumor claimed that the video showed Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler, what a name, and was shot by a third party. Jonas tweeted, and this is true, “Ball gag? Really? Me?” I think that’s also the title of the next album.
You should probably be reading this with a beer in your hand. After all, it’s St. Patrick’s Day weekend. You never see superheroes celebrating holidays anymore. You never see Spider-man snatch a pint of Guinness with his webslingers. Why is that? I’m sure Superman and Captain America used to be all about Christmas, but are now more secular. The only one who has a good excuse is Batman, because someone always seems to be causing trouble for him around Halloween. If you were busy locked up in conclave this week, odds are you missed it.
A return to arms
This week, North Korea declared the 1953 armistice that ended the Korean War invalid for the third time in 10 years. The country cited provocation from a war exercise with the U.S. and its allies in the Pacific Ocean, and U.N. sanctions for North Korea’s nuclear testing. But really, we all know that Kim Jong Un is really just doing this to get another season of M*A*S*H.
One cardinal gets a new hat
The College of Cardinals elected Ramón José Castellano from Argentina as the new pope. Pope Francis is known for is opposition to his country’s movement to allow gay marriage. While addressing the crowd that gathered at the Vatican, he moderated his views on the subject, saying he might come around if his son comes out of the closet.
Hockey. Get excited
The NHL approved a realignment this week that it hopes will shake things up and get more fans excited. Under the plan, some teams will be shuffled around into slightly different regional groups, which the league hopes will cut down on time zone conflicts when the big games are on. The NHL is also considering an aggressive “Hey, we exist!” ad campaign and a reboot of the whole franchise.
Today is International Women’s Day, which I’m sure I didn’t need to remind you. I know you’ve spent weeks planning your IWD festivities. In fact, I’d be shocked if you’re not hammered right now. Is this a new holiday? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it. I guess you’re supposed to celebrate it by refraining from sexist comments, or stop and think before calling someone the B word. The good news is that the other 364 days of the year are still Internationals Men’s Day. If you were busy nervously interviewing Mila Kunis this week, odds are you missed it.
Because terrorists don’t drink
The TSA announced this week that it will loosen some of its rules on what passengers can take in their carry-on bags when they fly. For the first time since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, passengers can bring their baseball bats and golf clubs with them, which will undoubtedly be a praised by the Airborne Sportsmen Association. Also allowed are knives with blades less than two inches long. This means that you can bring your corkscrew with you. It’s only a matter of time before the TSA relaxes on liquids rules and lets you bring your wine, too.
Droning on and on
As a dud of a snowstorm circled Washington, D.C. this week, Sen. Rand Paul opted for an old-school filibuster of the confirmation of John Brennan as CIA director, because the Obama administration didn’t expressly say that it wouldn’t use drones to kill Americans. Despite it being completely lawful for the military to kill anyone deemed an enemy combatant, inside the U.S. or out, Paul rambled for 13 hours about how flying robots were coming to kill us all. After the senator eventually lifted his block on Brennan’s nomination, the drone circling the Capitol was called off.
And they all wear high school rings
With Pope Benedict XVI out of power, the College of Cardinals has to choose his successor. This week they met as a sort of social gathering, and announced that they will begin the papal conclave next Tuesday. Like any college party, and in accordance with Vatican law, it’s expected that the leader of the group will the one who can do the longest keg stand.
Good news, folks, it’s no longer February. When you think about it, is there really anything good about February? Sure, you get $5 foot-long subs from Subway, and it’s Black History Month, but is that really enough to overcome the soul-crushing cold, coupled with the exceedingly grey skies? No one gets excited about February, but March is something to celebrate. You get an excuse to drink for pretty much the whole month if you’re Irish (like you need a reason), and it’s more or less the beginning of spring. If you were busy winning best picture this week, odds are you missed it.
It’s just Mr. Razinger now
The papacy of Pope Benedict XVI officially ended yesterday, as his resignation took effect. As His former Holiness boarded a helicopter to his vacation home, he stopped at the top of the steps, looked back at the crowd, and gave a Nixon salute. The very same day, the U.S. House passed the extension of the Violence Against Women Act. It was a pretty big day for women’s rights. I burned a bra for the hell of it.
Anyone remember SeaQuest?
We now stand hours away from the federal budget sequester, a series of arbitrary cuts that are likely to get everyone more pissed off about the economy, all because Congress can’t pass a deal. At a press conference today, President Barack Obama said that he is not a dictator, which likely comes as a surprise to That Guy You Avoid in the Office. He said he could not “Jedi mind meld” the Republicans into agreeing to a deal to avoid the sequester. So there you have it, he’s not a nerd, either. There goes the J.J. Abrams vote.
You’ve got singles
Did you know that there are still people out there that use AOL? It’s true. Despite the scarcity of people now using an aol.com email address, there are enough of them out there that researchers were able to draw some data and analyze it. British event planning group Chillsauce said those with AOL email addresses were more likely to plan a trip to a strip club. This doesn’t sound like a negative stereotype. It seems like only a matter of time before AOL starts using this in its comeback plot.
I realize that every industry wants to have their own fake holiday, but it’s getting a bit excessive. For example, yesterday was National Cherry Pie day. Today is National Margarita Day. Far be it from me to say we shouldn’t have holidays celebrating anything booze related, but who decides these things? Did the National Association of Tequila Distillers form a coalition with Lime Farmers of America to create this? Also, if you drink margaritas in February, and you don’t live on a beach, you have a problem. If you were busy writing your acceptance speech this week, odds are you missed it.
Fox joins the turtles
Remember Michael Bay’s plan to ruin the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, now that he’s more or less finished crapping on the Transformers? Turns out it’s still very much in the works, as Bay announced this week that Megan Fox has been cast as April O’Neil, the turtles’ reporter friend. Bay said he is excited about the project, and that with the help of CGI, Fox will seem almost lifelike on screen.
Change comes slow in the South
With the recent success of Lincoln, which is up for a ton of Oscars this weekend, the 13th Amendment has been enjoying quite a bit of fame. However, the amendment, which banned slavery went without approval from Mississippi until recently. The state legislature never voted on the measure until 1995, and even then, the paperwork wasn’t filed until a professor figured it out a few weeks ago. When the state finally got its act together and ratified the 13th Amendment, they decided to break out the fire hoses just for old time’s sake.
Twitter breaks deal news yet again
It was a rough week on Twitter for a couple companies, after their accounts got hacked. First, Burger King’s account was hacked, sending out tweets that it had been sold to McDonald’s, and a day later, Jeep’s account was posting that it had been sold to Cadillac. Later in the week, Donald Trump was hacked, too. His followers first realized that it had happened when his tweets began lacking his typical air of douchbaggery.
No one likes watching women golf, not even women golfers, but the LPGA Australian Open has had some exciting moments this week. First, a golfer got bitten by a poisonous spider, so she drained the puss using a tee and shot a 74. Then, play had to be suspended yesterday because a pack, (or flock, or whatever) of kangaroos invaded the golf course and had to be shooed away. If you’re an early rock ‘n roller who filed a lawsuit over the use of your name for an app measuring the size of your manhood this week, odds are you missed it.
It’s always Russia
If you’re reading this, we made it. An asteroid passed only 17,500 miles from Earth and missed us, thanks to a team led by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck, or a team led by Robert Duvall. However, an unrelated meteorite tore across the Russian skies this morning, exploding in the air and sending shock waves strong enough to shatter windows and injure hundreds of people. Reports say the shock wave was strong that some citizens dropped their morning glass of vodka.
Let’s go to the political theater
On Tuesday, President Barack Obama gave his first State of the Union speech of his second term. He told us that the state of the union is strong. As the Republican rebuttal, Sen. Mark Rubio of Florida told us that the state of the union is thirsty. Pundits and internet jokesters alike had a field day, but for my money, the highlight of the night was when Beyoncé performed at halftime.
The poop deck
The Carnival Triumph cruise ship had a massive power loss in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. For days, food went bad, toilets overflowed and brownish “water” flowed down the walls and hallways, all while baking under the hot sun. The ship was finally towed to port, but to add insult to injury, the port was Mobile, Alabama. On a brighter note, I have a theme for my next party.
Some people look forward to business trips. They get to go out, see a new city, get some business done, then go party. I went to Las Vegas for work this week, and unfortunately I barely had time to feed myself, much less enjoy myself. Regardless, the city cool factor wore off for me pretty quickly. It’s cool for a bit, but everything’s new and over-the-top. It’s like Walt Disney World for adults. If you were busy picking the horse meat out of your lasagna this week, odds are you missed it.
Apparently they do use technology
This week, a member of the Bush family’s email got hacked. Yes, that Bush family. The Secret Service is now investigating. Private emails between George H.W. and family members, include George W., were posted online. Some of the emails contained private phone numbers, the security code for one of the family homes, and even photos of George the elder during his recent hospital stay. Let me tell you, once you see those nude photos, you’ll never think of the term “executive branch” the same way again.
Nemo finds you
Right now, a blizzard is bearing down on the Northeast, with some predictions calling for three feet of snow before it’s all over. The Weather Channel, which for some reason took to naming winter storms, has named this one Nemo. Everyone laughed at me when after Iago I said that they were naming these things after Disney characters. Who’s laughing now? If they run out of names in alphabetical order, I hear they’re going to start listing off the seven dwarfs.
Retract of the drones
Sen. Rufus King, I-Maine, is calling for judicial oversight over the Obama administration’s targeted drone strikes. It may not be the best idea to challenge the authority of a guy who has command over fleets of flying killer robots.