I think we need to stop making fun of other people’s cultures. Not because they are our equals (we’re way better than them), but because of Groundhog Day. For some reason, we have this day where everyone waits to see what a single groundhog in some backwoods told in Pennsylvania has to say about winter. At some point in American history, people thought this was an accurate sign of how the weather would be. Lots of towns did this groundhog thing. Then we all decided that Punxutawney, Pennsylvania had the most accurate groundhog, and each town ended their own ceremonies. There’s no feast, we don’t send cards, we just read the headline that morning, and maybe watch a Bill Murray movie. If you were busy winning the Iowa caucuses this week, odds are you missed it.
Women need to start worrying
This week, the Centers for Disease Control said that women of childbearing age should stop drinking unless they are on birth control, because if they get pregnant and don’t know it, the booze could hurt their children. Also, the World Health Organization declared the Zika virus outbreak a “public health emergency.” So in all, it was a banner week for women’s health.
Robo Tiger Woods has arrived
Researchers built and programmed a robot that can swing a golf club. In fact, it hits the ball so well that it got a hole-in-one on the on a source in Scottsdale, Arizona on the same hole that Tiger Woods once did the same in 1997. I’m calling it now, once this robot gets caught cheating on his robot wife, he will never win another major again.
The last time you’ll hear from Johnny Manziel
Authorities say soon-to-be ex-Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel struck and threatened his ex girlfriend this week. The victim said he threatened to shoot her and himself. Luckily, no one was in any danger, because if anyone applied pressure, his aim would have been off.
There are few live events that are as predictable as the State of the Union address. The president comes in, says a bunch of things that probably aren’t going to happen, and the members of Congress in his party stand and clap every now and then. But we all watch it. It’s one of the few things we all still have in common. Some watch it to see what the next great meme will be, others watch it because they’re playing a drinking game, and a few may even watch it to be inspired. It’s the same reason why we watch the Super Bowl. If you were busy waiting in line for Powerball ticket this week, odds are you missed it.
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
This week, the armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a new video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin–and this is true–sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns.
Big year for white guys
The nominations for the 2016 Oscars were announced this week, and the selections were met with criticism. The nominees are almost exclusively white men, which is good, because we need to remind people who really runs things every now and then.
Welcome to the worst time of year. The holidays are over, your bank account is recovering from the shopping binge, and the weather sucks. The weather’s going to suck for months because it’s the beginning of winter and there’s nothing to look forward to. Really, the only thing on the horizon is Valentine’s Day, and unless you’re a woman, it’s not something to get excited about. Hunker down, keep your whiskey supply up, and keep waiting for St. Patrick’s Day. If you were busy watching a crime documentary show this week, odds are you missed it.
Mourning in America
During a speech about gun control measures being enacted through executive order, President Barack Obama shed a tear when he mentioned the children who were murdered in Newtown, Connecticut three years ago. Conspiracy theorists say Obama wiped Bengay under his eye in order to coax out a tear for cameras. This is how bad the far-right internet has gotten: John Boehner can cry and lactate 20 times a day over nothing, but the president can’t get emotional talking about dead little kids. Wouldn’t it be easier to just call Obama out for being a robot sent to destroy America?
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb this week, but experts aren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marks another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
‘Dear Mom, camp is great. Send snacks.’
Militiamen continued their “occupation” of a small federal park building in Oregon in protest of land rights or something like that. But it turns out they didn’t pack accordingly. Dumbasses, who have threatened violence against authorities, have asked supporters to send them supplies, as they didn’t pack enough to keep them fed for a long stay. Chipotle has responded by sending all of its salmonella-tainted burritos.
And just like that, 2015 is over. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about how miserable a year 2014 was. I, for one, think that we managed to surpass all expectations this year. It was the most miserable yet. We kept injuring ourselves falling off of bikes, stages and those Segway-like things that aren’t actually hoverboards. We agreed when Jared Fogle got arrested that rape jokes can be funny. We landed a probe on a comet, and immediately lost track of it. And we got really, really into the finer points of air pressure in a football. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we can get started with 2016. Grab a bottle and let’s do this.
Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
The nominees for the Academy Awards were announced and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards were white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”
The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it would run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove unmolested. Later in the year, the people of Boston told the committee where to stick their nomination.
Scientists announced that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insisted that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves. Continue reading →
There are people camping out for the new Star Wars movie. The movie isn’t coming out until next Friday. That means these people are going to be outside in December for a week to see a new movie. They don’t even have to. A ton of people pre-ordered tickets to the first showings of the film, but even so, that’s only a maximum 20% of the seating available. You can show up the night of the first showing and still get a seat. Let’s hope it’s not next to the guy who hasn’t seen a shower in a week. If you were busy being named Time‘s person of the year this week, odds are you missed it.
Well he did rise from the dead
It’s Christmas time, and that means people are putting out all sorts of decorations. It also means that those people’s neighbors are getting pissed off with all of those decorations. Some tightasses in Ohio recently made headlines over complaining about their neighbors zombie nativity scene, complete with the zombie Holy Family. Despite a constitutionally guaranteed right to freedom of expression, the man’s town is fining him up to $500 per day that he had the scene up. Some people have no appreciated for The Nightmare Before Christmas.
GOP candidate says more crazy stuff
Walking Drudge Report wet dream and presidential candidate Donald Trump this week proposed that the U.S. stop allowing Muslims to enter, as well as a whole bunch of other outlandish claims you’ve already heard about. In response citizens in the U.K. are trying to get their government to ban him from entering their country. Folks, if this keeps up, we may really be stuck with him.
Admiral loses sea legs
U.S. Navy Rear Adm. David Baucom was attending a conference in Florida and decided to have a few drinks. And because he’s mentioned here, you know it was a few too many. According to reports, Baucom got so drunk at a party that he wet his pants. He was then taken back to his hotel room, but his night wasn’t over. Baucom got up to go to the bathroom during the night and accidentally locked himself out of his hotel room, naked. His actions have prompted the Navy to ask itself, “What do you do with a drunken sailor?”
Are there any real musical mysteries left? I’m sure there will be some new ones, and there may be some minor ones that just aren’t top-of-mind, but I think the big ones are done. Earlier this year, Don McLean revealed what the hell “The Day the Music Died” was about, and it wasn’t that interesting. This week, Carly Simon opened up about who “You’re So Vain” is about, and it’s not one person, but several. Maybe these singers realize that thee people who care are dwindling, or they need a little boost in sales. At least we don’t have to hear about how mysterious they are anymore. If you were busy telling the world you’re HIV positive this week, odds are you missed it.
Make America 1942 again
There were all sorts of hot takes about what the U.S. should do with thousands of Syrians who are fleeing terrorists and a dictator. But the hottest take went to Roanoke, Va., Mayor David Bowers, who cited the “internment” camps the U.S. forced Japanese Americans into during World War II, suggesting such steps may need to be taken with these people who aren’t white like Bowers. This goes well with the city’s new slogan: “Roanoke: Guantanamo Bay, but With Southern Charm.”
Coffee: The elixir of life
According to a study released this week, drinking coffee can reduce your chance of several different illnesses, including heart disease. The study, which followed 200,000 subjects over the course of 30 years, went so far to say that heavier coffee drinkers had a significantly lower chance of death than those who drank little or no coffee. You know, just in case people who drink a lot of coffee needed something else to lord over everyone they meet.
Women just aren’t feeling it
It was revealed this week that Addyi, the female libido enhancer, has been prescribed just over 200 times since coming on the market in the U.S. earlier this year. The reason: most husbands aren’t doctors, and can’t prescribe it themselves. This is easy to fix, women will buy all they can if you slap a Kardashian face on it.
Television has made a lot of advancements over the decades. But as I watched last night’s Jets-Bills game (there was nothing else on) I wondered if color TV was a misstep. Nike introduced the first of their “color explosion” jerseys last night, and they are aptly named. The Bills were decked out in cherry red from the shoulders down, while the Jets were pretty much solid green. It was like watching a bunch of fire hydrants against fake Christmas trees. As if a matchup like that isn’t hard enough to watch normally. If you were busy kicking the media out of your protest this week, you missed it.
Give the gift of unwelcome sexual advances
Fresh off the Starbucks red cup outrage–whatever it was–another company has offended holiday shoppers more than a month away from the holidays where people buy things for other people. Bloomingdale’s, which apparently is still a thing, ran an ad this week suggesting that you “spike your best friend’s eggnog when they’re not looking.” That’s undeniably rape-y sounding, but what’s more offensive is that Bloomingdale’s assumes that I would associate with anyone who drinks eggnog that doesn’t have booze in it, much less call them a BFF.
This week, reports surfaced that the reason Gwen Stefani is divorcing Gavin Rossdale is that she found pictures and messages between the Bush frontman and the nanny going back for years on an iPad synced to his iPhone. So please explain to your niece or nephew who these people are and why this is important.
Shots put in shot putters
It was revealed this week that there was widespread doping on the Russian Olympic team during the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Observers say the first clue was when a Russian pole vaulter broke a pole over his knee and then cleared the 20-foot bar without it.
I’m not really a big Halloween guy. It’s not because I’m in my 30s and its a little weird for people my age to dress up in costumes. I’ve been this way at least since high school. When I was a kid, Halloween was great. I got to wear a costume of my choosing, I got tons of candy, and there were pumpkins to carve. Now it just seems like a hassle. Finding a costume is the problem. Either you make one yourself by shopping around, or you pay a ton for a crappy pre-made thing. I always look forward to the day after Halloween so I can read about all the people who wore clearly inappropriate costumes. If you were busy claiming you had sex with Prince this week, odds are you missed it.
WHO ruins everything for everyone
The World Health Organization released a report this week linking processed meats, such as ham, bacon and hot dogs, with colon and stomach cancer. A second report release found that about two-thirds of people under 50 have some form of herpes. But really, who cares? If the internet’s bacon craze is any indicator, we’re all going to die of cancer in a few years.
Racing Johnny Carson would be better
It was announced this week that Universal Studios Orlando will open a ride featuring Jimmy Fallon in 2017. The move is seen as corporate synergy at its best. The ride is supposed to be a race with the Tonight Show host through the streets of New York, but probably with less profanity than the real thing. Like the show, all the “spontaneous” moments will have been choreographed, and no one will think Fallon is funnier than he will. Just try not to fall down and hurt yourself, Jimmy.
Wrestling moves in our schools
This week, a school resource officer in South Carolina was caught on video throwing a teenage student out of her chair when she refused to leave a classroom. And a video at a school in California showed a large student fight, during which the principal is body slammed. Man, Michelle Obama’s Let Move campaign is really connecting with kids.
From here on out, the Back to the Future trilogy will take place exclusively in the past. Wednesday marked the date in the second film where Doc and Marty travel to the future. This means that kids won’t see the movies the way we did. More importantly, it means an end to those “today is the day” hoaxes that duped your friends on social media. It will also hopefully mean the end of companies trying to cash in on the film nostalgia. Who wants to bet the remake them within a decade? If you were busy bringing back the flip phone in a music video this week, odds are you missed it.
A new hope
After months of anticipation, the final trailer for the new Star Wars film was released this week, and the internet went nuts. It had a decent amount of new footage and hints at what the hell the plot is supposed to be, and had more Han Solo in it. Fans now have just two months until their absurdly high expectations for the movie are crushed and their childhoods are collectively ruined yet again.
Ryan tells House he needs time with his other family
For weeks, Rep. Paul Ryan said he didn’t want to be speaker of the House. But at the insistence of his party, Ryan said he would take the job, as long as Republicans agreed to his demands, including that he not have to give up any of his time with his family, and that his staffers be allowed family leave. For those of you keeping score at home, Ryan just insisted that he and the people who work for him get paid leave, but he still believes that if you need to take some time off to tend to personal matters, you should just quit your job and stop asking to get paid for work you’re not doing, bub.
Dems compete for worst day ever
This week, Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb announced they will no longer seek the Democratic nomination for president. Vice President Joe Biden announced that he won’t run for the White House, either. Martin O’Malley sang an awkward dad version of “Bad Blood” on national television, and Hillary Clinton was grilled for 11 hours about Benghazi and her emails. By default, it was a good week to be Bernie Sanders.
People were shocked when Playboy announced that it’s going non-nude from now on, and I don’t understand why. Didn’t the magazine do that for a few issues 30 years ago when Hugh Hefner had a come-to-Jesus moment? It didn’t work then, obviously. It may or may not work now, but the real question is who cares? I can’t tell you the last time I saw a place that sold Playboy, much less talked to someone who owned them. I know a generation ago it was like a rite of passage or whatever, and that older guys are probably all that’s keeping that magazine is business, but Playboy magazine hasn’t really ever been relevant to people my age, and I’m sure it isn’t for those younger than me. As long as the mansion’s still having parties. If you were busy taking your reality show to capture your ex-husband’s struggle for life this week, odds are you missed it.
The outlaw returns
It was confirmed this week that an old photograph bought at a store in California is a newly discovered photo of Billy the Kid. Photo experts authenticated the photo, which shows Mr. The Kid and members of his gang in Lincoln County, New Mexico playing croquet after a wedding. That means that every girl planning a wedding in a barn with string lights and mason jars is adding croquet to her reception plans right now.
Trump, Carson threaten to not be seen for once
This week, Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ben Carson told CNBC that they would boycott the upcoming debate hosted by the news channel if it were to run more than two hours long and not include opening and closing remarks. So that’s how you get rid of them.
What’s that smell?
Researchers in California have developed a bikini they say will help clean the ocean. The skimpy swimsuit is made out of material that repels water, but sucks in pollutants in the water. The invention has a fatal flaw, because women wearing bikinis at beaches never actually go anywhere near the water.