Hi guys. Some funny things happened this week, didn’t they? We’ll get to that in a minute. First, how about we all back off the Jared Fogle jokes? It seems like everyone’s been making the same jokes about Subway’s slogan or sandwich sizes this week. Even celebrities and comedians who don’t usually write hacky crap. The guy was into some nasty things, and messed some kids up. Maybe we shouldn’t be laughing. That’s all. Now let’s move on to things that we probably should laugh at. If you were busy nearly going to war over pamphlets this week, odds are you missed it.
A candidate for the coveted male vote
The already crowded presidential field added one new face this week when Deez Nuts announced his candidacy. Almost immediately, the candidate was buzzing on social media. He even polled at 9% in North Carolina. Then it was revealed that it was all a joke perpetrated by a 15-year-old boy in Iowa. Nice try, kid, but we’ve already got a fake candidate for president, and his name is Donald Trump.
Bringing sweatshops back to America, finally
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos found himself under a lot of scrutiny when a New York Times article portrayed his company has a toxic place to work, encouraging numbers and stabbing fellow employees in the back. Bezos dismissed the story, saying it was a skewed version of his company and its culture. It’s only a matter of time before a drone reports harsh working conditions.
The Duggar affair
This week, hackers made good on their promise to release customer data from Ashley Madison, the site for married people seeking to have affairs. So far, the most notable member revealed is Josh Duggar, one of the kids of 19 Kids and Counting fame, cult member, alleged sister molester and family values advocate. He confirmed he was a member of the site, but reminded everyone that gays are ruining the institution of marriage.
I really hope we’re finally seeing the beginning of the end of superhero movies. The Fantastic Four reboot flopped last weekend, probably because it’s a bad movie. But part of me also hopes it’s that we’re just tired of the same stuff we’ve binged on for 15 years or so. Let’s be honest, Avengers 2 was mediocre. It was a jumbled mess, mostly because it had so many notes to hit, so many winks to every other Marvel movie or show, that it forgot to be fun. The only people I know who saw Ant-Man are admitted comic book fans. We just need a couple more of these movies to disappoint, and then maybe we can finally move on. If you were busy signing off from the Daily Show this week, odds are you missed it.
Grumpy old men
The top 10 Republican presidential candidates faced off in their first debate this week, and it was the circus we all hoped it would be. Donald Trump insulted random people and didn’t answer any questions, and everyone else just yelled their opinions when they felt like it. The three Fox News moderators asked the candidates questions regarding foreign policy, Obamacare, Planned Parenthood and God, and still took criticism from conservatives on Twitter. I’m starting to think I like reality shows after all.
Let’s see what celebrities are up to
This week, it was announced that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting a divorce, as are Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani. There was a rumor that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were getting a divorce, but that ended up not being true. Jennifer Aniston married her boyfriend this week, and Lenny Kravitz accidentally exposed his member when his pants split during a show. So in all, it was a big week for 1998.
Failure to launch
According to a new study, more Millennials are living with their parents than they were just a few years ago. This seems to be despite an uptick in employment rates and the median wage for the demographic. This study was published in The Medical Journal of Reasons Not to Have Kids.
When I was a kid, my family would go to the beach for the first week of August. It was a great time, but it was also a bit depressing, because part of the trip was secretly about going outlet shopping for back-to-school stuff. It was like an end of the summer, even though it wasn’t over yet. Friends and family this week have been sending me pictures of fall seasonal beers they’re finding in stores. It brings me back to those last few days of vacation. So thanks for making me feel like a kid again, if a depressed one. If you were busy smashing your car into a U.S. Capitol barrier this week, odds are you missed it.
Guy refuses to give boss his private phone
This week, the NFL upheld four-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady’s four-game suspension for throwing some footballs that weren’t filled with the exact amount of air required by league rules. Commissioner Roger Goodell decided that Commissioner Roger Goodell was correct in doling out the punishment, claiming that Brady ordered his cell phone destroyed before the league asked for it to be turned over. The real crime here is denying the world the nudes that were on that phone.
An American dentist became the most hunted man in America after it was revealed that in Zimbabwe he illegally lured a famous lion out of a wildlife preserve and shot it. The internet collectively lost its mind over this. Walter Palmer faces possible charges in Zimbabwe, and here in the U.S., the Justice Department and the Fish and Wildlife Service are looking for him. Roger Goodell has suspended him for two games, and could increase it to a full season if video of the incident surfaces.
There is no 9
Also this week, Microsoft released Window 10, the latest version of his popular operating system. The OS is free for pretty much anyone who bought a Windows computer in the last five or six years, and is being downloaded by millions. So get ready for a call from your parents asking how you do the thing that takes you to the internet.
Despite the thousands of songs trying to convince me otherwise, I’m pretty glad I don’t live in California. The state is constantly under threat of wildfires, earthquakes, smog, and now there’s a huge drought. Years of little rain has put California in a water emergency, and Tom Selleck got shamed for stealing water from a fire hydrant. Best of all, a P.I. was the one who caught him. If you were busy winning the World Cup this week, odds are you missed it.
Subway apparently grosser than we thought
This week, Subway put its relationship with longtime spokesman Jared Fogle on hold after police searched his home in relation to the former head of his nonprofit was arrest on child pornography charges. In addition, Fogle was cut out of the upcoming Sharknado 3. Worst of all, the NCAA has vacated all of Subway’s wins going back to 1999.
Ariana Grande likes frosting, hates U.S.
A video surfaced this week of singer Ariana Grande licking doughnuts she didn’t pay for at a doughnut shop. She then turns to a dancer she’s hanging out with and says “I hate America.” Grande apologized for her actions this week, but it’s too soon to know if people have forgiven her. To most Americans, if you mock their doughnuts and say you hate their country, you might as well have joined ISIS.
Voters like guy from that show
Despite losing deals with NBC, Univision, the PGA and Chef Jose Andres for derogatory comments made about Mexicans, Donald Trump’s polling numbers are surging among Republicans early in the primary season. People seem to be surprised by this, and I don’t understand why. A rich, loud, old white man spouting off whatever unfounded biases come into his mind is the symbol of the Republican party. The only way his supporters will turn on him is if he says he doesn’t like hot dogs as his pizza crust.
Being cool is a lot harder today than it was a decade ago, thanks to the progress of the internet. Ten years ago, the things we watched we on TV, and the music we listened to was on the radio. It was mostly how we learned about what the new cool thing was. Today, there are so many things to watch in so many different places online, and there’s so much music available to stream for free, you’re probably going to miss a lot of it. And now, James Taylor has the No. 1 album in the U.S. James Taylor. I no longer understand what’s cool. If you were busy selling your soul for success this week, odds are you missed it.
Love wins in split decision
This week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have a Constitutional right to marry. The 5-4 decision immediately made gay marriage legal in all 50 states. So if you see people nervously looking at the sky, it’s just homophobes waiting for God’s wrath to strike America.
Flags of dishonor
Following the murder of nine African-Americans by a white supremacist last week, the South Carolina legislature said it would consider removing the Confederate battle flag known as the Southern Cross from capital grounds, after state leaders called for the move. Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley ordered the flag to be taken down from the state capitol. For those of you keeping score at home, it only takes the U.S. 150 years to fix important societal problems. So watch out, crazed, angry people: you’ve only got until 2165 to buy guns.
Señorita Los Estados Unidos
Following Donal Trump’s slurs against Mexicans in his rambling announcement that he was running for president, Univision said it wouldn’t air the Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. In response, Trump has banned all Univsion employees from playing at his golf course in Miami–you know, like a president would do.
I’m really trying not to get cynical about things. That’s why when I heard that police caught the racist trash who killed nine people he didn’t know, I tried to focus on the fact that unlike so many shooters, he was taken alive, and now he’ll have to answer for his crimes. Maybe we’ll learn something from him and figure out how to keep this from happening again. I’m still trying to convince myself that we’re going to change this time. Let’s shift gears now. If you were busy getting sent to the purgatory of MSNBC this week, odds are you missed it.
Eat it, Alexander Hamilton
This week, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced that the $10 bill will feature a woman when the newest redesign is released in 2020, even though no one uses paper currency anymore. He didn’t mention any names, but said that it would be an American woman who represents the best in American values. So congratulations, Kim Kardashian!
Pope tells world to clean up its room
Pope Francis called out the rich and powerful for harming the environment, saying that Earth looks like “an immense pile of filth.” He called on everyone around the world to avoid the sin of polluting the Earth. The head of the Catholic Church also said that there is a “solid scientific consensus” that climate change is mostly cause by humans. Plus, Donald Trump announced he’s running for president. Weird week, huh?
When trans fats are outlawed, only outlaws will have trans fats
The FDA announced this week that trans fats will be banned by 2018. The federal agency’s announcement was criticized for being trans-phobic, especially for Pride Month.
I injured myself in a weird way this week. I was getting ready to climb into bed when I noticed that the fitted sheet was kind of coming untucked, which is never comfortable. So I put my tablet down on the bed and pulled the sheet down to its rightful place. In doing so, I pulled my tablet off of the bed and caused it to fall on my little toe. It’s all purple, and I’ve been limping ever since. It’s not easy to brag to people about an injury like that. I can’t tell people that I’m walking funny because I dropped my tablet on my pinky toe, it just makes me sound like a wuss. If you were busy celebrating your Triple Crown this week, odds are you missed it.
Authentic German breakfast
President Barack Obama traveled to Germany this week for the G7 Summit, and raised eyebrows when he was seen having a beer at a breakfast with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. He was also seeing what looked like a pack of cigarettes while standing on a balcony talking with Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi. It’s good to see that Obama treats business trips away from the wife as seriously as the rest of us.
Truly a post-racial society
The head of an NAACP chapter in Washington state is under scrutiny this week after her biological parents said they are both white, and so is their daughter. Rachel Dolezal identified herself as white, black and American Indian on a city application form. She’s 37, which is odd, because usually it’s white teenagers who pretend to be black.
Accused pimp slaps down charges
A panel of judges in France this week acquitted former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn of charges of aggravated pimping. Not only that, the judges awarded him points for degree of difficulty in the supposedly challenging line of work.
National Doughnut Day is about as American a holiday as any non-Super Bowl day can get. But its roots go back a century. During World War I, women from the Salvation Army gave out doughnuts to American soldiers to keep up morale, and probably to remind the boys on the front what a woman looked like. Just picture Ernest Hemingway driving an ambulance near the front lines, drunkenly chomping on a doughnut and trying to avoid driving into a trench. If you were busy campaigning for the female version of Viagra this week, odds are you missed it.
Mercifully, her name is “K” -free
Former Olympian and reality show cameo artist Bruce Jenner this week appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair, announcing that her transition to a woman is complete, and that she now goes by Caitlyn. The cover was celebrated in the LGBT community, and panned by the people on Facebook you knew would say something stupid. But the biggest controversy that has risen since Caitlyn’s transition? You guess it, whether they’re going to rename Bruce Jenner Lane in Austin, Texas.
Sepp Blatter announced he will resign as president of FIFA at some point in the future, and that he his cooperating with the authorities looking into the international soccer organization. He said he’d be happy to name names in the corruption investigation as long as “the FBI makes it worth my while, if you know what I mean.”
He means it this time
This week, former Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced he’s running for president. Kicking off a campaign that will need to curry favor with the public, the media and potential corporate backers, in seeking a public position bounded by a document that lays out a series of checks and balances, Perry played a country-rap song called “Answer to No One.” Between the glasses and the ironic choice in music, Rick Perry is your leading hipster candidate.
I’m never sure what to think about day drinking. On the one hand, if you’re drinking outside, there’s a decent chance that its daytime. And drinking outside is awesome. Having a buzz in the middle of the day is fun either way. The only problem is that after a couple hours you’re struggling to stay awake. That’s not fun. Over Memorial Day weekend I found a great compromise: late afternoon drinking. It’s great because it’s still light out, but not for very long, and then it’s night drinking. Then, you can go as long as you want. If you were busy spelling words on live TV this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, Swiss authorities arrested several top FIFA officials. The arrests were made in conjunction with the U.S. Department of Justice, with corruption charges coming soon once they are extradited.
You know what? It’s the Friday of a short week, and this was pretty much all anyone talked about. So we’re going to change up the format a bit. I’m just going to riff on this one and see how it goes.
That’s it, I’m never watching soccer again!
Several high-ranking football officials were arrested on corruption charges, sadly, Roger Goodell wasn’t one of them.
Finally the U.S. is taking down the sport that has been giving football a bad name with its dives and general swishiness.
If convicted, the officials face a sentence of hard labor building the stadiums for the World Cup in Dubai.
We just arrested the heads of the association that oversees the most popular sport in nearly every country but the U.S. We will never stop finding ways to make the world hate us.
Hi guys, so I won’t be doing this next week, because it’s the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, and I think we all know that you won’t be reading. Like you, I’ve got plans for the long weekend, and they involve driving long distances and probably sitting in a decent amount of traffic both getting there and coming back. Maybe if there’s a huge backup we can all get out of our cars and have an impromptu picnic like people do. I’ve always wanted to be in one of those. If you were busy falling off the stage during your band’s first gig of the tour this week, odds are you missed it.
Channing Tatum in: White House Drone
This week, Secret Service agents detained a man who they said was flying a drone near the White House, less than a day after the FAA declared Washington, D.C. a “no drone zone.” The man was released and given back his drone after he informed authorities that it was “opposite day.”
Voice actor Harry Shearer announced that after some 25 years, he is leaving The Simpsons. He voiced dozens of characters on the show, including Ned Flanders and C. Montgomery Burns. The announcement prompted the internet to simultaneously state that it hasn’t watched that show in years, while hoping that new actors are hired so that the show doesn’t go off the air.
Aussies value the safety of their sheep
The Australian government threatened to put down Johnny Depp’s dogs this week. The actor is in the country filming the next Pirates of the Caribbean film, and brought his two Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, in violation of the country’s quarantine laws. Luckily, Depp had them flown back to the U.S. before the Aussies destroyed them. Australia should be more concerned with the public health risk Depp himself presents. Mordecai, The Lone Ranger, Dark Shadows and The Tourist? That man is box office poison.