Category: You Missed It

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You Missed It: Scientific advances edition

Guy's got game.
Guy’s got game.

The internet is many things. But I believe that decades from how historians will look back on it and just see it as “weird.” Take a look at what’s trending on Twitter on any given day and you’ll see. Yesterday was a two-fer. We had llamas on the run in Arizona, and a debate over the color of a dress. Machismo aside, I have no idea why people cared so much about that dress. I mean, at least the llama chase was fun to watch. There are countless optical illusions online, and this dress one went nuts for a day. Looks like it’s time to dust off the rights to Magic Eye. If you were busy legalizing marijuana this week, odds are you missed it.

‘The climate is changing … in my pants’
This week, Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (like you didn’t know that already), resigned amid sexual harassment claims. According to reports, Pachauri, 74, made unwelcome advances electronically toward several women. His go-to line: “Is the average temperature warming up from man-made causes in here, or is it just me?”

Bill Cosby is still touring for some reason
Embattled comedian Bill Cosby sent out a message to fans Friday before a performance in Louisiana. He thanked his fans for 53 years of their support, and said he couldn’t wait to see their smiling faces, and finished up his statement with, “Hey, Hey, Hey — I’m far from finished.” He then reminded his lady fans that his shows have a one-drink minimum.

Did the war even happen?
Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald found himself in trouble this week for lying about his service record. It was revealed that when he met a former special forces serviceman at an event supporting homeless people in Los Angeles, McDonald, an Army veteran, said he had served in special forces, too, when in fact he had not. McDonald apologized, and said he was actually with Brian Williams when his helicopter took fire.

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You Missed It: Endless winter edition

"I regret nothiiiiiing!"
“I regret nothiiiiiing!”

Does anyone know who the Oscars are for at this point? Who is the target audience? I’m all for a celebration of good films, but it seems like most of the movies nominated these days are ones few people actually saw. It’s probably my fault I didn’t see more than a couple of them this year, but come on, did anyone see The Theory of Everything for a reason other than it was destined to be nominated? This year, I’m just watching for the Samsung product placement stunts. If you were busy watching a terrible sit-com end this week, odds are you missed it.

Winter will not go quietly
This week, a cold snap hit much of the East Coast and eastern Midwest, breaking record lows all over and generally messing up people’s lives. Boston got even more snow, and the mayor had to issue a warning for residents to stop leaping from windows into snowdrifts, as it could cause serious injury. To which Bostonians replied, “We weren’t trying to survive the fall.”

Rock the mic like a burglar
Speaking of cold, washed up rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested and charged with burglary in Florida this week. Authorities say he was filming an episode of of his home renovation show on the DIY Network, and broke into the foreclosed home next door. Police say he stole furniture, bikes, a pool heater and other random things. It’s sad that in a society as progressive as our, there are still people intentionally going to jail just so they can get a meal, isn’t it?

Sticking up for an alleged rapist is honorable now
Comedian Norm Macdonald tweeted this week that fellow Saturday Night Live alumnus Eddie Murphy declined to do a Bill Cosby impression for the SNL 40th anniversary special on Sunday night. He said Murphy “will not kick a man when he is down.” Cosby, on the other hand, is happy to mount a woman when she is down.

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You Missed It: Drink to justice edition

The other justices ruled against waking her up in a 5-3 decision.
The other justices ruled against waking her up in a 5-3 decision.

There was a lot of buzz this week when Facebook said it will add a feature that will allow a person of your choosing to take over your account in the event of your death. Are we really that self-important that we want people to continue posting as us after we’re gone? The only thing that should be done to your Facebook account after you die is deactivation. I have friends on Facebook who died years ago. They still show up on my friends list, and even in my contacts on my phone. It’s creepy, and I’d unfriend them if it didn’t make me feel bad. If you were busy announcing you were stepping down the “The Daily Show”  this week, odds are you missed it.

Justice take a nap
If you thought that President Obama’s State of the Union speech in January was boring, you’re not alone. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg this week admitted that she wasn’t sober during the speech, which may have been why she dosed off, despite having a front row seat. She said she’d had some wine, and since the justices can’t stand up or clap like everyone else in the room, it gets kind of boring. Considering what science taught us this week, Ginsberg may be on the bench well into the next century.

Viral marketing?
Firefighters were called to actor Pierce Brosnan’s beachfront house near Los Angeles this week when a fire erupted in his garage. The fire lasted for more than half an hour. Man, Q is not going to be happy when he finds out what happened to the latest Bond cars.

50 shades of amateurs
The movie 50 Shades of Grey is out, and it’s having quite an effect on Western civilization. Branded merchandise like masks, handcuffs, and probably brands, can be found in the same aisles as children’s toothpaste, a U.K. hardware store chain is training its workers to be ready for an increase in sales on tape, rope and cable ties. And now, hospitals are bracing for a rise in sex injuries. A recent analysis of annual emergency visits in the U.S. collected by the Consumer Product Safety Division has found a spike (heh) in visits around when raunchy books come out, especially for foreign body removals. Have fun this weekend, everyone!

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You Missed It: Literary throwback edition

Since it's a sequel, you can expect a higher body count.
Since it’s a sequel, you can expect a higher body count.

This has got to be a weird time to live in Massachusetts. In the past two weeks, the Boston area got an entire season’s worth of snow, and it’s still shut down for the most part. On top of that, they’ve got the circus of the Aaron Hernandez murder case just getting underway, and the jury selection for the Boston Marathon bombing is happening. And let’s not forget about the New England Patriots winning the Super Bowl, and the parade through the snow-filled streets of Boston. If you were a shark dancing out of sync this week, odds are you missed it.

‘To Kill a Mockingbird 2,’ this time it’s personal
This week, it was announced that after the better part of a century, author Harper Lee will publish another novel. “Go Set a Watchman” was written before “To Kill a Mockingbird,” and is about Scout’s return home as an adult to visit her father. The book was never published, probably because the other book did so well, and we weren’t all sequel crazy back then. Rumor has it that it’s going to be a reboot of the beloved franchise, with an all-female cast, including Atticus Finch and Boo Radley.

Williams under fire for not being under fire
NBC News anchor Brian Williams apologized this week for his erroneous recounting of a helicopter flight early in the Iraq war in 2003. He said during an earlier broadcast that his helicopter had taken fire, and thanked one of the soldiers who kept him safe on that flight. As it turns out, his helicopter was never shot at, much less hit, leaving many to doubt his accounts of anything. It was also discovered that his daughter, Allison Williams, cannot, in fact, fly.

Women wet whistles with whiskey
According to a recent report, vodka sales are slumping here in the U.S. two years in a row, and it’s probably because more women and drinking whiskey instead. This is great news for gender equality. After all, a woman should be able to ramble on about how her life is a disappointment, just like a man.

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You Missed It: Bowing out edition

Like so many Americans hit hard by poor economic conditions, Mitt Romney hasn't held a job in years.
Like so many Americans hit hard by poor economic conditions, Mitt Romney hasn’t held a job in years.

It snowed on Monday, and people were mad about it. They weren’t mad that they were inconvenienced, they were mad that they didn’t get as much snow as predicted. And by “they,” I mean New Yorkers. It was huge national news this week that people who live in one metropolitan area were upset they didn’t really get snowed in. They expected the rest of the nation to care. I don’t understand New York. If you were busy stonewalling the media all week long, odds are you missed it.

Third time isn’t the charm
After months of speculation Mitt Romney said he will not run for president again. Romney said it was time for him to stand aside and let someone else have a try. Also, he didn’t like the idea of living in such a small mansion. That means the GOP field will likely have Jeb Bush, running on the platform of “My last name is Bush;” Chris Christie, a noted Cowboys fan; or Rand Paul, who hangs out with neo-Confederates and says crazy things. See you in 2016, guys!

Time to get the carpet cleaned
This week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow gave some advice for the ladies out there that doctors don’t recommend: steam cleaning your vagina. She said on her website, grossly named GOOP, that she goes to a spa in Santa Monica to get a special herbal steam treatment on her lady bits. She said it’s “an energetic release–not just a steam douche–that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.” You know, I wasn’t that hungry, anyway.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced this week that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insist that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But I think we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves.

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You Missed It: Close shave edition

It's taken me years, but I finally found an excuse to post this.
It’s taken me years, but I finally found an excuse to post this.

People are all freaked out today that the company that owns SkyMall is filing for bankruptcy protection. I find this pretty baffling. First, because “filing for bankruptcy protection” isn’t a synonym for “going out of business.” Secondly, because it’s like not catalogs or any other form of printed periodicals have done very well in the last 15 years. And finally, have you every bought any of the junk they peddle? That’s why they’re hurting for cash. If you were busy making comebacks at lawmakers this week, odds are you missed it.

King Tut gets a makeover
This week, it was announced that the beard of King Tut’s famed golden burial mask was broken off and reattached with epoxy during cleaning sometime last year. The job was clearly rushed, and used the wrong type of adhesive was used. There’s now a gap between Tut’s chin and his beard, and Egyptian Museum officials worry some of the damage is permanent. To be fair, he’s been sporting the same look for over 3,000 years. It’s about time it was updated.

Debategate
The New England Patriots are going to the Super Bowl, but the media needs something to talk about to fill the two weeks until the big game. Enter the Indianapolis Colts. The team complained that the Patriots were using footballs that were underinflated, a violation of the rules, and a subsequent investigation found 11 of 12 Patriots balls weren’t filled to regulation minimums. Sports media, known for being level-headed, have called for coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady to be suspended from the Super Bowl over rule about ball inflation that no one has ever cared about. The balls have been suspended for two games.

Company foolishly picks fight with Liam Neeson
This week, actor Liam Neeson was criticized for his comments about guns in the U.S., which is to say that he said anything about them. Neeson said that gun culture here has gotten out of hand, and that there are too many guns in America. Coming from a guy who’s been in a few action movies, this can sound a little odd, but reasonable. Still, PARA USA, the gun supplier for Taken 3, has called for a boycott of the new movie. This is where the firearm debate has led us: a man who glorifies guns in his movies says guns are glorified, and the gun industry, which suffers from a persecution complex anyway, tells people not to go see a movie that glorifies guns because the guy who glorifies them says guns are glorified.

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You Missed It: Black and white films edition

It wasn't just blacks, greens and yellows were also snubbed.
It wasn’t just blacks, greens and yellows were also snubbed.

I’m not a huge fan of winter, since I’m not a kid, but this is my favorite time of winter. The hangover from the holidays is past, it’s too early to think about Valentine’s Day and it’s cold outside. The fact that it’s cold isn’t the good part, it’s that you don’t have to feel bad for not going outside, and no one really wants to be social right now, either. You can just sit inside, drink, and do whatever else you like to do while drinking. If you were busy considering a run for president this week, odds are you missed it.

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
This week, the nominees for the Academy Awards were announced, and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards are white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

Penn State gets back to looking the other way
Under a proposed agreement with the NCAA Penn State’s football team’s vacated wins from 1998 to 2011 will be reinstated, making Joe Paterno once again the winningest coach. For those of you keeping score at home, the punishment for molesting children is 30 years minimum in prison, and the punishment for allowing a sexual predator to molest dozens of children for decades by systematically sweeping problems under the rug is acting like you didn’t win some games for a little over two years.

OMGOP
Earlier this month, the new, Republican-controlled Congress began its first session, vowing to end gridlock on the Hill and show that the GOP can govern. House Speaker John Boehner today posted 12 GIFs of Taylor Swift in a snarky response to President Barack Obama’s plan for two free years of community college. When did Boehner hire BuzzFeed as his press secretary?

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You Missed It: Break time is over edition

Senate Minority Leader Nick Fury will get things done by force.

It’s 2015 now, and that means we all start off fresh, right? No. That’s not how things work. The things that affected you before still have an effect on you now. You wake up on New Year’s Day with a hangover because of the booze you drank on New Year’s Eve. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try to change things. First, let’s stop focusing on the bad stuff in the news. You know how your grandparents who sit watching the news networks all day rant about the world coming to an end? We’re starting to all sound like that. Statistically, the world has never been a safer place. If you were busy making jokes about your rape allegations this week, odds are you missed it.

White men on campus
This week, Congress returned, looking slightly redder than it did last month. The fresh faces of new Republicans joined the worn-out, frustrated ones of lawmakers who had been there a while. One face that hasn’t been seen on Capitol Hill yet is that of Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, who injured himself exercising on New Year’s Day and is still recovering. And that’s why you should give up on your resolution to lose weight.

The Summah Olympics
The U.S. Olympic Committee chose Boston as the city it will run for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games. Boston beat out Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington, D.C. Why Boston? Because if international sports fans can take a poverty-stricken, crime-ridden city like Rio de Janeiro, they’ll love a city where packs of Irish mooks all named Sully or Murph rove the city unmolested.

Study shows you can handle your booze
A study from the Centers for Disease Control this week found that an average of since Americans die per day from alcohol poisoning. Alcohol: still safer than driving a car.

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You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.

January

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading

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You Missed It: Foreign relations edition

This sounds like a job for The Worm!
This sounds like a job for The Worm!

It’s been a rough couple weeks. Some bad and disappointing things have highlighted a major problem in our society, even though there are plenty of people posting misspelled denials it exists. But in this suckiness, take a moment and be glad that you’re not passing that ignorance on, because that’s how things change. We’ll fix this somehow. Alright, enough of the serious stuff. If you were busy singing and prancing through the air on live TV this week, odds are you missed it.

Coming soon to a torrent near you
Sony Pictures said this week that it suffered a hacker attack, which lead to the pirating of five of its films. Internal memos, salaries and personal information were also leaked in the attack. The primary suspect is North Korea, which took offense to the recent Sony Pictures film The Interview, about the assassination of Kim Jong Un. Time to send in Team America.

Feel the conciliation
This week, Mark Walhberg asked the state of Massachusetts to remove a conviction from his record. The actor said he has done his time for his mistake and learned from it, further, he has a number of philanthropic efforts. He has asked that the state erase the biggest mistake of his youth. Nice try, Marky Mark, but you’re not getting off the hook for the Planet of the Apes remake that easily.

Stephen Hawking warns of forthcoming robot revolution
World-renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking warned this week that artificial intelligence could one day bring mankind to an end. Hawking recently switched to a new voice system that uses artificial intelligence to predict what words he may use next based on what he has already said. One of the smartest people on Earth is now using autocorrect and saying it could kill us all. Sleep tight, everyone!