You Missed It: Wooooooooooooo! edition
Posted on March 5, 2010
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It’s the end of the week for most of you reading this. Because for you, it is Friday. However, for me it is only Thursday. No, I’m not in some sort of time warp, I actually have to work tomorrow, which in your universe is Saturday. I will be missing a basketball game, a pub crawl and a parade–all in the same day. Yes, I am bitter. If you were busy heading for higher ground, odds are you missed it.
You mean spring break can be dangerous?
Remember those wild spring breaks in college? Probably not, because most people stay home. However, more students could be staying above the border this year, after the Texas Department of Public Safety warned college students not to visit Mexican border towns where rival drug cartels are waging war. This makes sense, because spring break is all about listening to authority and making good life choices.
Planet Alaska
Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is shopping around a reality TV show. The show would be about Palin’s home state and likely have the style of Discovery Channel’s Planet Earth. Sources say the show’s first episode would have everyone curious, but as more is learned, interest turns to either loving or hating it, and then the show will quit halfway through the season.
He was tall, puffy and had a homeless guy beard
Ben Roethlisberger. There’s a name you didn’t expect to hear in March, but just the same, here it comes. The star quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in Georgia early Friday morning. This is the second time he’s had to deal with such allegations. In the interest of neutrality and presuming innocent until proven guilty, I’d like to say I wish Rapistberger the best of luck shaking this latest blitz.
You Missed It: Understated celebration edition
Posted on February 26, 2010
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Sad to say, but it’s the end of February, everyone’s favorite month. Not only is it cold and snowy, but it’s a month of great holidays everyone either loves or questions its existence, like Groundhog Day (Feb. 2), Valentine’s Day (Feb. 14), President’s Day (Feb. 15), and Waitangi Day (Feb. 6). It’s also the end of Black History Month, so say goodbye to ‘Glory’ on your cable’s OnDemand service. Now we get to say hello to March, which like a schizophrenic sex partner, comes in like a lion and leaves like a lamb, or vis versa. If you were busy having a sit-down with opponents to your health care reform plan, odds are you missed it.
At least they have one medal to cheer about
The Canadian women’s hockey team won gold medals in Thursday night’s game. They celebrated in the traditional Olympic manner during the medal ceremony. Then, a half hour later, they came back out onto the ice, this time wielding champagne, beer and cigars. The on-ice celebration is allegedly a common form of Canadian celebration. One of the players trying to drive the Zamboni? Not so much. In case you’re wondering, champions drink Coors Light and Molson Canadian (natch).
The $500 bathroom trip
Over 400 people became sick on a cruise ship in the Caribbean this week. Rather than a memorable cruise to some tropical location, the norovirus went on vacation with 435 of the 1,838 passengers, who basically saw more of the poop deck than anything else. What’s even more surprising, the ship on which the the outbreak of diarrhea occurred, Celebrity Cruise Lines’ “Mercury,” had two outbreaks last year. Let’s just say you want to stay away from the hot tub on that boat.
Moving forward–whether you want to or not
Akio Toyoda, the president of Toyota, (much like William C. Fort is the head of Ford) testified before Congress this week over the recalls his company has been hit with and the recent memos bragging about a 2007 deal with the federal government that have surfaced recently. During his testimony, Toyoda said the company will work hard to regain consumer trust and fix the issues. In other news, even this isn’t helping General Motors’ sales.
You Missed It: Brief sighting edition
Posted on February 19, 2010
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Reader, we’ve been together for quite some time now. We’ve had this relationship through You Missed It for nearly two years, and well, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate it. I bought you some flowers and a card to show how I feel. If you were busy saying that Jesus was gay, odds are you missed it.
Tiger spotted in the wild
Tiger Woods is sorry, America. He’s been doing a lot of thinking since the whole crazy, mixed-up Thanksgiving crash/golf club-related window removal incident. He told us so during a press conference this morning. Veronica Siwik Daniels, the adult film star mistress, brought her lawyer out for statement after Tiger’s, saying she needed an apology for all Tiger had done to her, including breaking her heart. Because when you’re a porn star and one of dozens of women sleeping with a married man and father of two, yes, you are the one who deserves an apology.
Reverse Palinization
Sarah Palin (yes, her again) and family spoke out against Family Guy for an episode this week featuring a character with Down syndrome claimed her mother was a former Alaska governor. As we all know, Palin is the one who decides who can and can’t say “retard.” (Hint: Rush Limbaugh = A-OK. Rahm Emanuel = No way, Jose.) The only problem was that the voice of the character, Andrea Fay Friedman, herself has Down syndrome, and said Palin clearly doesn’t understand the word “sarcasm.” Zing!
‘Wipeout’ no longer just a summer show
The 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics are underway, so far: one dead luger, several MedEvac’ed skiers, figure skating live every damn night, and a week’s worth of NBC’s botched coverage of the games. I don’t know, I just feel so freaking excited about this Olympiad. I think it’s going to be the best games we’ve ever seen!
You Missed It: White out edition
Posted on February 12, 2010
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Tonight marks the beginning of the Vancouver Olympics, with the opening ceremonies. This brings up the question: does anyone really care about the opening ceremonies? I will admit that I watched some of the opening of the Beijing Olympics, but to be fair, I was drinking bourbon, too. I might tune in to see if Canada has a lip-syncing girl like China did. If you were busy talking about your hood pass this week, odds are you missed it.
A one-two punch, a double blast, a gang bang?
The Baltimore-Washington region was double-tapped by snow storms last weekend and this week. Two separate blizzards struck the Mid-Atlantic region dropping over three feet of snow combined, and shutting down the federal government for the better part of the week. In related news: Suck it, Vancouver!
Rush Limbaugh must have a spin on this
Former President Bill Clinton was rushed to a hospital in New York this week, where he had surgery after doctors found blockage in one of his arteries. The husband of the Secretary of State left the hospital, and was said to have been in good spirits.
Servicing the private sector
Remember Blackwater? They’re that really big soldier-for-hire force that the U.S. employs in Iraq and Afghanistan? They have been quiet lately, but only because they have been occupied. Blackwater (now XE Services) is being sued for defrauding American taxpayers when they billed Uncle Sam for the services of a prostitute in Louisiana shortly after Hurricane Katrina. Who do they think they are, members of Congress?
You Missed It: Coming in hot edition
Posted on February 5, 2010
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Greetings from the worst winter our nation’s capital his had in 100 years! Yes, as I write this, I am braving out a storm that is supposed to put the snowfall for the winter over the top and make it the snowiest winter in a decade. On top of that, we are supposed to get nearly two fraggle-rocking feet of snow before it’s all over. Anyway, enough about me and my world coming to an end. Let’s get down to business. If you were busy partying with teabaggers, odds are you missed it.
A screeching halt
Remember the days when American car companies sucked and Japanese car companies’ profits soared? Things have changed. Ford now sucks slightly less, and Toyota has more or less crapped the bed. After that pesky gas pedal recalls that happened last week (months after a family was killed because of it), Toyota also issued a recall on the brake pedals of their Prius hybrid cars. The company said that owners can tell if they have faulty brakes if fails to slow from its top speed of 15 mph.
Mel Gibson would like to tell you how he feels about you
Actor Mel Gibson is mounting a comeback not only in the movie theaters, but in the headlines as well. Everyone’s favorite alcoholic member of Opus Dei had to explain himself when during a television interview with a Chicago reporter he muttered a word we can’t repeat here, but let’s just say it contained the words “ass” (which we can say) and “hole.” Gibson later apologized via text message, saying the comment was aimed at his publicist, not the reporter. He blamed the mishap on the Jews.
The beginning of the end of a show that will never actually answer anything
Lost returned this week to the delight of millions (including several people in my office). The show is now in its final season, with more mysteries than ever, like parallel universes, people who are dead and aren’t dead, and much, much more. In related news, I still don’t care about this show. World, please stop asking me my thoughts on it.
You Missed It: Big is the new small edition
Posted on January 29, 2010
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I don’t know about you guys, but January has seemed like it’s dragged on. I’d say it’s felt easily like the longest month we’ve had this year. Let’s not forget that The Guys even took two days off this month. Ug. Anyway, it’s over now. If you were busy anticipating the Pro Bowl, you’re probably the only one, and you missed it.
I’m tired of being able type with two hands
Steve Jobs, god of all that is Apple, introduced the iPad, a much-rumored tablet computer thingy that got mixed reviews at best. You can’t multi-task, you have to use complicated wires to connect anything to it, and 3G coverage is extra (plus a monthly service fee). We don’t know about you, but we’ve been clamoring for a big-ass iTouch. Now if only there were some kind of feminine product joke to make.
And no one noticed Biden’s purple-ish tie?
The same day as the iPad’s unveiling, another grand presentation was made by another celebratedr presentation person: President Barack Obama. During his State of the Union address, Obama bashed a Supreme Court decision that opened the door for corporate campaign sponsorship. Justice Sam Alito(ooo) was caught on camera shaking his head and mouthing something that looked like “No way, that’s wrong.” Alito’s message was brought to you by Geico, a 15 minute call could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance.
Osama, Al Gore find common ground
In a statement, Osama bin Laden called for the oil industry to separate itself from using the U.S. dollar as its standard currency, he also said climate change is all America’s fault, because, you know, it’s not like his native Saudi Arabia is the leading oil exporter in the world or anything.
You Missed It: Seeing red edition
Posted on January 22, 2010
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I don’t know about you guys, but this part of the winter is the worst for me. The holidays are over, it’s cold and miserable, and it’s not even February. On top of all this, all there is to look forward to now is Valentine’s Day. Then again, I had a long weekend when most people didn’t. So in summary, I feel bad for you, dear reader. If you were busy claiming a bastard as your daughter, odds are you missed it.
Wicked huge stunnah
Republican Massachusetts state Senator Scott Brown defeated state Attorney General Martha Coakley, a Democrat, in a special election to fill the seat once held by Ted Kennedy. The GOP’s stunning win is being hailed as an omen of elections to come later this year and puts obstructionism back in the the Congressional vocabulary where it belongs. Thus ends the longest-running Massachusetts curse since the Boston Red Sox 86-year World Series drought.
Another disappointed Bostonian
The end of the LenO’Brien (TM) battle is over. As expected, Conan O’Brien will be leaving The Tonight Show after signing a deal with NBC. In fact, tonight is his last night hosting the show. As part of the severance package, O’Brien will receive $32 million and will be able to pursue other networks as early as September. However, NBC gets the rides to all of the characters he created. This means we can look forward to watching Jay leno do skits with the Masturbating Bear.
This paragraph is brought to you by the good people at GE
Speaking of corporations getting their way (I’m on fire with the segues this week, aren’t I?), the U.S. Supreme Court loosened restrictions on organizations and corporations to campaign spending. In a 5-4 vote, the justices decided that money is a form of free speech, and though they have lots of it, companies should be allow to spend that free speech like a human being would when endorsing a candidate. This is a good thing, because if there’s one problem with elections in America, it’s that politicians don’t listen to special interests enough.
You Missed It: It does a body good edition
Posted on January 15, 2010
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You know how it’s the post-holiday season and it’s January, cold and sucky? Well, it’s also nearly Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Which for some people means a long weekend! This, after all, was one of his most famous speech lines, “I have a dream, that one day, the federal government and stock exchanges of this great nation will have the Monday off that is closest to my birthday. I have a dream!” If you were busy blaming voodoo for the Haitian earthquake, odds are you missed it.
So it wasn’t milk after all
To the surprise of literally no one anywhere, former St. Louis Cardinals (of baseball) slugger Mark McGwire admitted he used steroids during his 1998 run to break Roger Maris’ single-season home run record. He cried on television, probably because he was on the female hormone side of the cycle at that point, and said he wished he was never a part of the steroid era in baseball. Unfortunately, he forgot he was the poster child for it. Because he admitted to using illegal drugs, McGwire was promptly arrested and put in jail.
What’s going to happen to Max Weinberg?
NBC’s late night schedule is in flux, yet again. This time, they are canceling the failure that is the Jay Leno Show and moving him back to the Tonight Show, after Tonight host Conan O’Brien said he would not be willing to move the show to 12:05 a.m. to make room for Leno in his old time slot. The LenO’Brien (TM) situation got worse this week after both hosts made a mockery of NBC for the situation. And every other network’s late night hosts focused their displeasure on Leno, who is medically, a bag of douche.
The big, lonely Oval Office
In a recent interview with CBS News, President Barack Obama said he’s very lonely serving as president, because he is alone in his responsibilities and he is separated from regular people because of his office. Loneliness? This man needs some tips from a certain former president.
You Missed It: Gilbert’s got a gun edition
Posted on January 8, 2010
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Hello again, everyone, and welcome to 2010. I’ve been waiting here for you for quite some time. Now that I have thawed my keyboard out in this country-wide cold snap we’re having. I am now prepared to tell you what you missed this year, one week at a time. If you were busy announcing you would not run for re-election, odds are you missed it.
The NRA should take on the NBA
The Washington Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas was suspended by the NBA this week after showing a gun in his locker to a teammate. In what may have been his last game of the season, Arenas gathered the team (the Bullets) in a circle during warm-ups and shot them all with his fingers. NBA Commissioner David Stern did not enjoy the gun show.
The case in favor of sterilization
Tila Tequila, who became “famous” for her MySpace page, and then later for being an attention/ actual whore on reality television shows, might be pregnant, according to her Twitter. Should Tequila actually be pregnant, there is no word yet on how long it will take her to push the child out of her Twitter.
They’ve weaved stranger things into the plot
White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said that President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address will not pre-empt the season premiere of Lost. He assured the legions of Lost fans that the speech will not happen on Feb. 2, the date the show is scheduled to return. In other news, this is really what our country finds important.
You Missed It: Blue Christmas edition
Posted on December 18, 2009
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Apologies for the lateness of this post, if you live on the East Coast, you may understand. There’s apparently a big snow storm coming our way and that means that people feel they need to evacuate town several hours ahead of time–and hit each other before a single flake falls. Despite this, it’s a good day, because it’s Friday. If you were busy finding a new, huge planet with water on it, odds are you missed it.
James Cameron emerges from his cave
Avatar hit theaters Thursday night, or is it Friday morning? You know the movie with the blue people and the computer graphics that no one has any idea what it’s about? Yes, it’s finally here, and it’s making a fair amount of money. The movie features 3-D effects, so personally, I’m ready to put this one on par with Beowulf with a slight chance of nausea.
Pretty soon they’ll be learning to write
Scientists discovered that a species of octopus already known about now apparently knows how to use tools. The octopus was discovered using coconut shells to protect itself from predators, hiding inside the shells. In related news, scientists have discovered that octopus with coconut makes a delightful meal.
You better watch out
President Barack Obama was interviewed by Gloria Estefan (?) this week. He said the White House is getting ready for Christmas and will be prepared for the magical night when Santa Claus comes to the nation’s capital. He even said they will be setting out milk and cookies for Chris Kringle himself. Considering the security at the White House these days, Santa will probably be able to walk through the front door and no one will see him.