Sorry we missed each other last week. I was busy spending my regular-sized weekend drinking beer and whitewater rafting. Not at the same time, though. That would have meant a lot of spilled beer. Although going over the rapids drunk probably would have enhanced the fun and maybe helped me to forget how cold it was. If you were busy being named the Ebola czar this week, odds are you missed it.
Sorry, bloody sorry
This week, Bono apologized to the world for pushing U2’s newest album into the faces of every iTunes user ever. The frontman said that the band didn’t mean any harm to the people who complained about getting something for free, they just wanted to make a big entrance with the new album. Now if he would apologize for his last decade of work.
How does that even come up in an interview?
Author John Grisham found himself in hot water this week when he said he thinks that courts should go easy on guys caught causally or accidentally viewing child pornography. He cited a friend who drunkenly downloaded pictures of girls who weren’t 18 yet but was caught and labeled a sex offender. Public outcry didn’t care for his position. Grisham apologized, saying, “Yes, I believe they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!”
The ocean is broke
Actor Leonardo DiCaprio, named messenger of peace and master of the universe by the U.N., donated $2 million to the ocean this week. Big deal, that old lady donated priceless jewelry to the ocean at the end of Titanic. (Spoiler alert.)
Ahoy me hearties! Tis’ the end o the week, and while normally the dread pirate, Bryan McBournie sails these here waters, this week he be in the dreaded wasteland known as “Ohio.” Alas, we must tread on and embark on the voyage known as the weekend, and if ye were busy making yerself look like a ship o’ fools during a NFL press conference, odds are ye missed it.
There be a new Aye Phone!
We heard a little parrot tell us there be a new phone that came out. People waited in line fer days for a device that they had the technology fer two years ago, overpaid in booty fer then acted like uppity wenches once they got it.
The Exempt List means ye be in Davy Jones Jake Locker
There be a league o not so extraordinary gentlemen that has a problem wit treating their maidens right. But the captains of these ships can’t figure out how to discipline their crew. The Ravens cut Ray Rice a few weeks ago, but then some magical “Commissioner’s Exempt List” became available fer Adrian Peterson and Greg Hardy. All o this smells fishy to us, but so does everything else, but remember, wear pink NFL gear in October!
We missed out on Braveheart 2
Scotland (we really don’t like things with land) decided te remain a part o Europe apparently. While this was a big deal across the great pond, all ye lasses in America could do was post memes o Mel Gibson.
Until next International Talk Like A Pirate Day, remember, the dread pirate Steve be in no man’s debt!
Guys, I’m a little nervous. There are all these articles out there today saying that an asteroid is going to zoom past the Earth on Sunday. They claim there’s no real danger, but I don’t trust them. For example, the Europeans just got a probe to orbit and soon land on an asteroid, NASA says it wants to land people on an asteroid. What if the asteroid race is warning us not to mess with them. The next one could have our number. If you were busy getting your hopes up for what will surely be a disappointing football season this week, odds are you missed it.
Joan Rivers dies, parts of her aged 81
The world of comedy was dealt another big blow this week with the death of Joan Rivers. She was known as one of the first women to do real comedy once women were given such a right via a constitutional amendment, and managed to stay relevant decade after decade. First Robin Williams, now Joan Rivers. I’m calling it right now: it’s the Curse of the High-Profile Louie Cameos. Look out, Jerry Seinfeld!
Celebrity skin not celebrated
This week, nude photos of dozens of female celebrities were posted on a forum online, supposedly from hacked Apple iCloud accounts. The media and many of your friends on social media were outraged that such a thing could happen, because celebrities shouldn’t have to deal with the same problems and normals. The FBI announced that it would investigate the alleged crimes, because only the feds are allowed to violate citizens’ privacy. We can only hope that the victims and their families are OK, and that they don’t decide to have their own reality shows.
Virginia is for bribers
Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell and his wife were found guilty of several counts of corruption while he was in office. Among other things, they were accused of accepting gifts in exchange for favors and sweetheart deals. They were given hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash, gifts and trips while they were in office. It’s the first time a Virginia governor has been convicted of a crime. Nice try, Virginia, but you’ve got a long way to go before you have as many convictions under your belt as Illinois or Louisiana.
It’s Friday afternoon, it’s nearly Labor Day weekend. We’re on the home stretch, here. Maybe kill a little time by reading about the week’s events, what do you say? Honestly, I’m as surprised as any of you that anything happened this week. I’ve been too busy watching the Simpsons marathon to pay much attention to anything. And yet, things happened anyway. If you were busy announcing that you secretly got married in France this week, odds are you missed it.
Judged by the color of his suit
ISIS is still on the move, protests continue in Ferguson, Missouri, the U.K. raised its terrorism threat level, but President Barack Obama wore a tan suit during a press briefing this week, and it’s all anyone would talk about. Female politicians said the president got a taste of what they deal with every day, while critics said he is clearly out of touch. In response, Obama vowed to wear a tuxedo T-shirt at the next briefing.
The internet was rocked this week when it was announced that Hello Kitty is not, in fact, a cat. A spokesman from Sanrio, the company that owns Hello Kitty, said that the beloved character is actually a little girl, rather than a cat. She even has a pet cat. Nothing makes sense anymore. Up is down, left is right, dogs and girls are living together.
The fight for four inches of room
What’s worse than flying on a plane? Flying on a plane and the person in front of you reclines their seat. And what’s worse than that? Having your flight diverted because passengers argued over reclining seats. That happened twice this week. In one case, a passenger used a product call the Knee Defender, which prevents seats from reclining, and the passenger in front of him got mad. This is the best possible publicity for the Knee Defender, which plans on releasing a product that keeps toilet seats from being put down, called Pee Defender.
Man, did you hear what George R.R. Martin said about his next book? There’s going to be more death. If you’re a fan of the books or the HBO show Game of Thrones, you’ll know that this is a huge spoiler, because no one ever dies. I can’t wait to see how this completely changes up the series, and then wait another seven years for the book after that. If you were busy dumping dumping water over your head only seconds after putting ice cubes in it this week, odds are you missed it.
The only positive news of the week
Two America humanitarian workers who contracted the Ebola virus were released from their respective hospitals after responding well to experimental treatments. They made headlines weeks ago when the federal government flew them back from Africa, where they had been treating sick people. Their families are said to be relieved that they have recovered, but not exactly in a hurry to welcome them back home.
Not able to Reid the room
Sen. Harry Reid issued an apology this week after making some racially insensitive comments while speaking at the Las Vegas Asian Chamber of Commerce. He jokingly said to the group something to the effect of how they aren’t all as smart as their stereotype would have us believe. Reid later said he was sorry for the comment, and that he “sometimes says the Wong thing.”
50 Cent sets an example for the kids
Boxer Floyd Mayweather has been challenged to read a book on Jimmy Kimmel Live. In a series of Instagram videos, rapper 50 Cent has been challenging Mayweather to read The Cat in the Hat to prove that he is in fact literate. Does anyone remember back when beefs were actually cool?
Robin Williams died this week. There’s no punchline. He took his own life for some reason, widely suspected to be related to his battle with depression. It doesn’t make sense how such a force of humor and kindness could end alone and sad. He had a bigger role in the formation of my sense of humor than I realized until now, even going back to re-runs of Mork and Mindy as a kid. Millions have stories they could tell about how he touched their lives. I’m planning on trying to focus on all the great things he did with his life, rather than they way he took it, just as I’ve grown to admire his entire career, rather than focus on his terrible accent in Good Will Hunting. If you were busy dumping a bucket of ice water over your head this week, odds are you missed it.
The Don’t Shoot Me State
The St. Louis suburb of Ferguson, Missouri has seen countless protests–not all of them peaceful–after an unarmed black teenager was shot and killed by a white police officer. The Ferguson Police Department responded to the protests by suiting up in camouflage and body armor, rolling around town in armored vans and brandishing automatic rifles, which some saw as excessive for any police force to have in the first place. Ferguson Police Thomas Jackson denied his department was militarized, and took off in his F/A-18 fighter jet before the press could ask any other questions.
Mellowing for two centuries
This week, scientists determined that a bottle found on a 200-year-old shipwreck in the Baltic Sea just off of Poland contains alcohol. The stoneware bottle was found still sealed tight, and the booze hadn’t turned to vinegar. The contents are estimated to be 14 percent alcohol, or 28 proof. Researchers believe that based on the chemical composition, the booze was watered down, which leads me to believe that the Polish don’t know how to drink.
Stroll to the border
Taco Bell announced this week that it is planning to open an upscale Tex-Mex joint in California called U.S. Taco Co., apparently not caring to spend money on coming up with a name. The restaurant seeks to tap into the foodie world, and if it’s successful, more may open across the country. Man, I cannot wait for a Belgian waffle taco.
When did Shark Week become a national holiday? Discovery’s long-running TV “event” is at the point where it’s getting spoofed by other networks, and memes are being created to celebrate its arrival. For example, Comedy Central has been celebrating “Shart Week,” airing episodes of classic shows that revolve around poop gags, and there are quite a few. And of course we just had Sharknado 2. This year, it doesn’t seem like anyone cares about Discovery itself. Maybe that’s because they kicked things off with a huge lie last year. If you were busy preparing for two different hurricanes this week, odds are you missed it.
The biggest outbreak of the Ebola virus on record is upon us, with more than 1,000 confirmed cases, mostly in western Africa. Two American aid workers were among those to contract the virus. Both were flown back to the U.S., and are undergoing experimental treatments in Atlanta, because there’s no cure. The fact that the two stricken Americans were flown back to the U.S. for treatment drew ire from noted dumbasses like Donald Trump, and the hospital where the patients are being treated has even received threatening phone calls. Is there any chance we can aim this disease at just certain parts of humanity?
What would Jesus tweet?
This week, Pope Francis told a crowd of altar servers in Germany not to focus too much on their gadgets. Sure, technology is meant to improve our lives, but what it really ends up doing it causing a distraction from the world around us, he said. The altar servers nodded at the pope’s point, then went back to SnapChat.
The world waits because of a toddler
President Barack Obama was set to announce to the U.S. and the world, why he had ordered airstrikes on ISIS positions in Iraq, and how it totally wasn’t going to be another war, but his speech was put on hold Thursday night. Outside the White House, a toddler squeezed himself through the bars of the fence on the North Lawn and started running around. Secret Service officers secured the kid, but the White House was put on lockdown during the incident. It’s safe to assume that the boy and his family are now in Guantanamo Bay.
I’m calling it: this summer sucks. Sure, it’s just barely turned August, but for the most part, the best part of the summer had passed us by. What do we have to show for it? The box office sucked (two Hercules movies?), few movies have lived up to their hype, the biggest album of the summer was released by “Weird” Al Yankovic, and we haven’t even had any good natural disasters. Plus, you know, everything’s blowing up overseas. If you were busy getting caught in a sharknado this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, a blazing hot feud boiled over against the backdrop of a fiery Spanish night club. It’s bad blood that’s got a long history, and we finally got to see it become more than a war of words, it was … Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber? An onlooker’s video shows the two having words before Bloom goes to punch or slap Biebs, only to get blocked by a bodyguard. No one’s quite sure what the whole thing was about, but the world quickly condemned Bieber for making them support Orlando Bloom in anything.
Central Intelligence Agency Director John Brennan apologized to senators during a hearing for hacking into lawmakers’ computers to monitor and remove files on their investigation into CIA’s torturing of terrorists. He said he was sorry and embarrassed that the hackers had gone that far, adding, “But it’s still cool if we do that to ordinary Americans every day, right?”
Madhouse for sale
It was announced this week that Michael Jackson’s estate will have to sell the singer’s iconic Neverland Ranch because of soaring debt. The complex requires a lot of upkeep, and it’s just too expensive for a dead guy to pay for, even if he did make millions last year. The place has 22 buildings in all, and they say that late at night you can still hear ghost of Bobo shuffling down the hallways.
It’s tough when something goes viral that is clearly just crap. Sometimes friends post headlines with things like, “After this, she did WHAT?!” and it ends up being a woman getting food spilled on her, then calmly walking away. This week, we had the “selfie,” with Queen Elizabeth. A couple girls took a “selfie” (it’s not a real word, so it doesn’t deserve to be treated as such) hoping to get the nearby Queen Elizabeth in the background, and OMG, they did! That’s totally a photobomb, right? No. It’s a picture of someone in the background who happened to look in your direction when the photo was taken. If you were busy winning the beat your wife lottery this week, odds are you missed it.
Snoop in the White House
This week, Snoop Dogg (or is it still Snoop Lion?) said that he smoked weed in a White House bathroom. On the latest episode of his online show GGN: The Double G News Network, Dogg said that while visiting the White House before an event last December, he said he needed to use the bathroom, and needed to light a match when he was done. Secret Service said lighting a paper napkin would be OK, so he instead lit a joint. Was Snoop telling the truth? Take a White House tour and try it for yourself this weekend.
Marching band has an O-H face
Jonathan Waters was the band leader of the (The) Ohio State marching band until he got booted this week for “highly sexualized” environment and hazing. According to reports, the band had sexual nicknames for most of its members, for example, “Jewoobs” and “Tits Magee.” They also had midnight band marches in their underwear. Why didn’t that iPad commercial have any of that in it?
Who are these people that like Jar Jar Binks?
Just in time for Comic-Con, the annual convention in San Diego about anything companies want to create buzz about, regardless of whether they have anything to do with comic books, FiveThirtyEight released a report finding that more Americans approve of Jar Jar Binks, from the Star Wars sequels, than Congress. Apparently, 29% of Americans approve of Jar Jar Binks, while only 12.1% like Congress. No word on what this means for the approval ratings of Binks and his fellow legislators in the Galactic Senate.
There’s a lot of NASA-related stuff out there lately. Of course, it’s the 45th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing, but also, NASA officials said this week that they expect to find some sort of extraterrestrial life in the next 20 years. Here’s a question for them: How do they know? NASA isn’t exactly the best at keeping things on schedule. We should have been to Mars a dozen times over by now. But how can anyone possible estimate when mankind will find evidence of life on other planets? That’s like saying 200 years ago that we’re close to discovering indoor plumbing. If you were busy getting meatballs thrown to you in the All-Star game this week, odds are you missed it.
Passing the time in an airport
Authorities say a man decided to get a little drunk at a San Francisco airport, which led to other problems. He happened to be wearing a blue shirt and khakis, and decided he looked enough like a TSA agent to give it a whirl. He gave two woman pat-downs in a private area he set up for himself before he got caught. It’s getting harder and harder to tell the security people from the molesters.
Didn’t they kill Captain America already?
This week, it was announced that there will be a new Thor, who is a woman, and a new Captain America, who is a black man. Also, the much anticipated issue where Archie dies was finally released. In all, it was a bad week for white guys in comic books. Naturally, a lot of people who don’t read comic books had very strong opinions about the choices the writers made.
Also wanted: Anne Hathaway
It was announced this week that a few years ago, Russian hackers got into Nasdaq’s system, snooped around, and planted a “digital bomb” that could damage the trading system. Fortunately, it never went off. Experts believe that this was largely because Bane and his henchmen got out as soon as they had what they wanted.