It’s the dog days of summer. I don’t really know what that phrase means, sort of like “the ides of March.” Anyway, there is such a thing as the dog days of summer, and this is it. And usually there’s not a ton of news out there. But that’s certainly not the case this week. If you were busy being accused of holding women captive in a cult-like atmosphere this week, odds are you missed it.
Spice put on ice
This week, Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.
President Donald Trump this week nominated climate change denier Sam Clovis to the USDA’s top science position. “Hooray,” cheered cows across the country, whose farts represent the largest U.S. emissions of the greenhouse gas methane.
Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.
There was a shooting in my town earlier this week. Perhaps you heard about it. The good news is that only the attacker was killed. What I love about it is that you have a group of lawmakers who were attacked, who break down in tears during interviews about the attack, and the big lesson they all draw from it is, “We need security detail.” I don’t think there will ever be a better example of the self-interest of Congress than that. If you were busy heading to see a friend in North Korea this week, odds are you missed it.
‘Transformers: The Ides of March’
This weekend, Transformers: The Fifth Film in the Series hits theaters. Critics have answered with a resounding, “Why does this exist?” but the real news is that spin-off movies are planned. Executives are reportedly considering prequel films involving Transformers in ancient Rome. This would be great, because who doesn’t want to watch a movie about robots wearing togas that transform into chariots?
The Sessions session
Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited his old friends in the Senate this week to testify under oath. Sessions claimed a faulty memory throughout much of the questioning about ties to Russia, and said he thought he was going to talk about his favorite monuments being torn down.
Paris after dark
Two teenage boys were rescued after spending three days lost in the Catacombs of Paris, which is a series of tunnels under the city that contain the stacked bones of over six million people. The boys said it was a creepy experience, and say they ran into at least a dozen death metal bands while they were down there.
There are things about our society I will never understand, such as mustaches, lattes and Civil War reenactors. But above all else, I do not understand the annual appeal of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It’s great that it’s the one time America cares about the education of its youth, but why does anyone watch it? It’s like sitting through a school band concert and you don’t even have a kid at that school. If you lost your job because of thin-skinned bullies this week, odds are you missed it.
Paris je déteste
This week, President Donald Trump announced that he will begin the process of pulling the U.S. out of the landmark Paris climate agreement. For some reason, people were surprised by this. Folks, this is the guy who argued that it wasn’t raining during his inauguration, when you could clearly see rain drops, umbrellas, and George W. Bush getting confused by a poncho. Of course he’s going to deny climate change. Pretty soon he’ll be arguing that the sky’s not grey.
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods earlier this week after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was pulled over on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.
Mr. Met thrown out
The New York Mets fired the actor playing Mr. Met, after video surfaced of the large baseball-headed anthropomorphic figure was seen flipping the bird at hecklers. So that ought to get that ball club back on track.
The other day I got an email from Yahoo telling me it’s time to renew the fantasy football league I run. Yahoo, and football, and f&#$ off. It’s April, this is not football time. This is baseball time. This is playoff hockey time. Yes, it’s even playoff basketball time. I don’t care about the NFL season schedule’s release. I don’t care about the NFL draft. Football can some find me in August. Until then, it can go back to sweeping scandals under the rug. If you were busy complaining about how hard it is being president this week, odds are you missed it.
For those who only look like they work hard
This decade, whatever we end up calling it, probably isn’t going to be known for its fashion. A week after those clear-legged jeans hit the market, Nordstrom answered back with jeans that already look muddy. For just $425, you can dress like the day laborers you pay less than minimum wage.
It’s never OK to joke about suicide
This week, the Netflix faced criticism over its show 13 Reasons Why and its depiction of suicide. Critics said that the sensitive topic should have been handled more responsibly, and that it’s way too early to be profiting off of the Aaron Hernandez story.
Airline kills bunny
United Airlines’ PR turbulence continues this week when a breeder reported that a giant rabbit died on a United flight from the U.K. to Chicago. The airline apologized for the incident, and sent its condolences to the owner, but said the rabbit refused to give up its seat, and authorities had to step in.
I really don’t care about the pregnant giraffe. I don’t understand how it even went viral in the first place. Everyone loves baby animals, but not that many people actually want to see said baby animals being born live via webcam. In terms of cultural things I just don’t see the appeal of, this is up there with the Dave Matthews Band, reality television and basketball. If you were busy breaking it off with Aaron Rodgers this week, odds are you missed it.
White girl solves racism
This week, Pepsi released an ad that featured noted young rich person Kendall Jenner joining a crowd of protesters holding signs reading “Join the Conversation!” and giving a police officer a can of Pepsi. The ad was criticized for trivializing the Black Lives Matter movement to sell sugar water. Executives were shocked that a crowd of diverse stereotypes, music, and a message so general it’s meaningless didn’t work. After all, it worked for Coke 46 years ago.
Rickles dies 50 years later than average for comics
Comedy legend Don Rickles died on Thursday at the age of 90. He is being mourned by the standup comedy community, and remembered as a comedian perhaps the last of his kind. But the real question is, who thought it was a good idea to book him at that Syrian air base?
More scripted fun with Jimmy Fallon
This week, Universal Orlando held the grand opening for a ride based on Jimmy Fallon and The Tonight Show. The ride is described as a jaunt through New York City, but no matter how fast he goes, Fallon just can’t seem to catch Stephen Colbert.
It really is official now, I’m old. The release of the new Power Rangers movie marks the first time that there has been a reboot of a childhood show that I was too old for the first time around. I haven’t seen a lot of the reboots, but I’m not necessarily opposed to them. There’s no issue in taking things I remember from my childhood and reworking them in a way to make them relevant for the next generation. Except for that live-action Beauty and the Beast remake. It’s literally the same movie, and you are all fools for going to see it. If you were busy taking it to Cracker Barrel for firing Brad’s wife this week, odds are you missed it.
Russia still way better than U.S. in coverups
This week, FBI Director James Comey took the unusual step of confirming that his agency is investigating President Donald Trump’s campaign team and the Russians, and the list of campaign officials who met with the Russians continues to grow. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied that there was any wrongdoing, saying that Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale are just family friends.
Police get a win for Brady
This week, authorities announced that they found stolen Super Bowl jersey of Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback ever to play the game, as well as his missing jersey from his Super Bowl victory two years ago. The jerseys were reportedly stolen by a journalist and taken to Mexico, where they were later found. The Breitbart version of that story: Mexico sent its dishonest media to steal a hardworking white American’s shirt off his back.
Spot of T. rex
Paleontologists are arguing that a branch of dinosaurs that includes the Tyrannosaurus rex evolved earlier than previously thought and probably came from what is now Britain. The researchers said their first clue was that all dinosaurs had such bad teeth.
This is the worst time of year for sports. Football is over. Baseball isn’t here yet. It’s the dog days of the hockey season. And basketball sucks. Sure, there’s March Madness to look forward to, but that’s just about brackets, not about the sport. Regardless, it’s basketball, which is just barely above racing in terms of sports I care about. If you were busy asking the FBI to go to bat for you this week, odds are you missed it.
Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cellphones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.
New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines this week after reports surfaced that a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.
Joke’s on him
Speaking of disgusting enemas, some guy got dropped from his book deal, as well as a speaking gig at an ultra-conservative conference, and was forced to resign from his job because he argued for child molestation. Moving on.
I’m not a Trump supporter, but I think I know what it’s like to be one. After all, I’m a New England Patriots fan. I know what it’s like to be part of a group that has clearly had the rules systematically bent in their favor, only to develop a persecution complex when things don’t go our way once or twice. Also, I’ve talked myself into believing that the leader of my team doesn’t really mean it when he supports questionable political ideas. Most of the country hates us, but we win anyway. No wonder Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are friends with this Trump guy. If you were busy this week taking weird photos to announce that you are pregnant with twins, odds are you missed it.
Trump vs. Australia
This week, President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. I don’t know if the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.
Attention whore gets attention in attention-grabbing move
In the most predictable news story of the week, alt-right white nationalist darling Milo Yiannopoulos was forced to cancel his speaking engagement at Berkeley due to student protests. Yiannopoulos and his supporters criticized the violence conducted by some demonstrators, including a big fire, but really, they were just upset they couldn’t throw books into it.
Don’t eat fast food packaging
And finally, scientists revealed this week that chemicals used to block grease in fast food containers are leeching into our burgers, fries and burritos. Great plan, guys, telling Americans that fast food is bad for them hasn’t worked so far, but why not try it again?
Richard Spencer, the alt-right leader who probably only watches the first half of American History X, got punched in the face at an anti-fascist protest last week. This set off a debate over whether it is OK to hit a Nazi. But that’s not really the important question. To me, it’s like videos were guys get hit in the nuts. I believe that guys have a right not to get hit in the nuts, but that doesn’t mean I don’t laugh or watch it on repeat when it happens. If you were busy winning the AFC championship this week, odds are you missed it.
Going off the path
The Trump administration banned huge swaths of the federal government from sharing scientific data this week. This lead to the Badlands National Park’s Twitter account to go rogue, tweeting out scientific facts that support that climate change is real and humans are the leading cause of it. We should have known that the rebellion would start with those rugged, high-socked trail guides who know how to live off the land.
Say, what’s science up to?
It was announced this week that scientists successfully grew pig embryos that contained human stem cells. You fools, now we’re just a step away from creating ManBearPig!
The horror, the horror
Francis Ford Coppola announced this week that he was launching a Kickstarter campaign to create a video game based on his classic Apocalypse Now. For this one, I’m going to go lightning round. Ready? I wanted a video game, and for my sins the gave me one. In one level you are forced to choose between surfing and fighting. You understand, the game does not exist, it will never exist. In the virtual reality versions of the game, you will be able to smell napalm, morning, noon or night.
I accidentally sat next to a bag of drugs on the train home yesterday. For a couple stops, I was sitting in a row with someone next to me, then I noticed a woman get up and get off the train, leaving her row empty. I moved over and noticed a shopping bag with some containers and a couple pill bottles. Oh no, someone left their medication on the train! I picked up a bottle to find the owner’s name and contact information, except there was no label — same thing with the other bottle. They contained pills and powder. What if I just stumbled into a drug deal dead drop? I thought about taking the bag and selling the drugs, but as a suburban 30-something parent, I don’t exactly have the connections to move product like that. So I left it there. Someone’s big weekend plans are definitely ruined. If you were busy giving your buddy the Presidential Medal of Freedom this week, odds are you missed it.
Going for gold
This week, CNN and BuzzFeed reported that President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump had been briefed on a series of unverified memos from a former British spy claiming that the Russians were trying to get dirt on Trump to use as leverage against him. One of the leaked documents said Russian spies had recorded Trump getting a golden shower from some prostitutes while in Moscow. Of course Trump likes golden showers. Have you seen his mansions? Golden everything!
Bots tweet about droids
Computer scientists stumbled across a large botnet of Star Wars-related Twitter accounts, it was reported this week. The researchers were taking a sample of Twitter accounts, when they realized they’d come across over 350,000 automated accounts all tweeting random quotes from Star Wars novels. The bots were created a few years ago, and stopped tweeting months after that. They were probably upset that they were no longer canon.
Gone to that big theme park in the sky
SeaWorld held its final killer whale show on Sunday, marking the end of an era. The final show came just couple days after Tillikum, the killer whale in Blackfish, had died. SeaWorld’s really serious about retiring these whales, aren’t they?