We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.
At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.
Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.
In case you’re not sick of him already Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading →
It’s been a rough couple weeks. Some bad and disappointing things have highlighted a major problem in our society, even though there are plenty of people posting misspelled denials it exists. But in this suckiness, take a moment and be glad that you’re not passing that ignorance on, because that’s how things change. We’ll fix this somehow. Alright, enough of the serious stuff. If you were busy singing and prancing through the air on live TV this week, odds are you missed it.
Coming soon to a torrent near you
Sony Pictures said this week that it suffered a hacker attack, which lead to the pirating of five of its films. Internal memos, salaries and personal information were also leaked in the attack. The primary suspect is North Korea, which took offense to the recent Sony Pictures film The Interview, about the assassination of Kim Jong Un. Time to send in Team America.
Feel the conciliation
This week, Mark Walhberg asked the state of Massachusetts to remove a conviction from his record. The actor said he has done his time for his mistake and learned from it, further, he has a number of philanthropic efforts. He has asked that the state erase the biggest mistake of his youth. Nice try, Marky Mark, but you’re not getting off the hook for the Planet of the Apes remake that easily.
Stephen Hawking warns of forthcoming robot revolution
World-renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking warned this week that artificial intelligence could one day bring mankind to an end. Hawking recently switched to a new voice system that uses artificial intelligence to predict what words he may use next based on what he has already said. One of the smartest people on Earth is now using autocorrect and saying it could kill us all. Sleep tight, everyone!
It seems like winter has set in for much of the U.S. One day it was warm and sunny, the next temperatures dropped to near freezing, and some places even got snow. Forecasters are saying this cold snap could be hanging around for a while. It’s good to see that the real seasons are now operating on the same schedule as seasonal beers. If you were busy dangling on the side of the World Trade Center this week, odds are you missed it.
Attack on everything we hold dear
Photos of a nude Kim Kardashian appeared as a spread in Paper magazine, claiming it was attempting to “break the internet.” Folks, the world relies on the internet. It creates jobs, it makes markets run, it connects us to each other. It’s vital to the way we live. Kim Kardashian tried to destroy that for us. Lives could have been lost. We’ve got no choice but to declare war on her. Kim Kardashian must be held accountable for these attacks.
This week, the European Space Agency’s Philae probe landed on a comet after chasing it down for a decade. It’s the first time in history that mankind has ever landed a probe on something not the moon or Mars. Comet 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko was first discovered in 1969. It is estimated to be 3.1 miles long and 2.4 miles tall, which makes it roughly the same size as Kim Kardashian’s ass.
Russia’s natural enemy: the Gulf of Mexico
Russian Defense Minister Sergey Shoigu announced this week that Russian bombers will conduct missions that include flying over the Gulf of Mexico. He said that it’s important for Russian to maintain a strong military presence throughout the world, and they want to be ready to rid the world of Kim Kardashian, should she enter the Gulf of Mexico.
I read this week that a Japanese whiskey was named the best in the world this year by the 2015 World Whisky Bible, which is put together by People Who Put Too Much Thought Into Drinks. What’s even more surprising is that not a single Scotch made the top five. Up is down, left is right, peanut butter is jelly. This is what happens when your entire nation wastes time debating leaving the U.K. instead of doing what it does best, making scotch. If you were busy pulling your hit record from Spotify this week, odds are you missed it.
The tens of thousands of people who voted in the U.S. on Tuesday sent a clear message to Washington: “Do that thing where you read the Constitution again.” Republicans won handily in the House and Senate, and will take control of the legislative branch in January. Analysts say we can expect to see hundreds more symbolic votes against Obamacare, and a bunch of white guys looking lost during the State of the Union in a couple months.
The hazards of hiring contractors
This week, AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd was arrested and charged with trying to hire someone for murder in New Zealand. The charges were later reduced to threatening to kill, which is probably better. The original charge was “attempting to procure murder.” Doesn’t that sound, especially in New Zealand, like he was trying to find a wizard to make a murder spell?
Best. Protest. Ever.
Actress Keira Knightley posed topless for a magazine interview this week. She said it was done in protest of the manipulation of women’s bodies in magazines, ads and other things. I’d put a punchline in here, but you’re already googling the photos. See you next week!
Why aren’t there any good Halloween songs coming out anymore? I get that “Thriller” may never be topped, but it feels like there’s a market for Halloween songs that just hasn’t been tapped in a long time. We have tons of scary sounding music from scary looking people, but nothing has really seemed to click in decades. Maybe musicians should do Halloween albums, rather than the crap they put out for the holidays. That’s the world I want to live in. If you were busy announcing a bunch of movies this week, odds are you missed it.
Sticking the landing
This week, a commercial rocket carrying supplies and scientific experiments exploded just six seconds into its launch at a NASA facility in Virginia. Officials say that the rocket was terminated when it was clear there was a problem that would keep it from reaching orbit, plus it’s fun to scare the crap out of the local wildlife.
Breaking out during an outbreak
Because of the paranoia surrounding the Ebola virus, there have been various quarantines put in place for any military or health workers coming back from African countries where the outbreak still exists. To protest the forced quarantine she was under in New Jersey, nurse Kaci Hickox made herself into a political pawn. She broke her quarantine, was sent home to Maine, and broke her quarantine there, too. She hasn’t shown symptoms of the virus yet, but karma hasn’t yet been reached for comment.
After years of talking about it, Paul Reubens announced that a third Pee-Wee Herman movie is in the works. Production is set to start early next year. Fans are excited at the news, because it’s long past time we traumatized the younger generation.
Apparently some Google exec broke the freefall record set by Felix Baumgartner just a couple years ago. He jumped higher than any human has every jumped. Only thing is that it wasn’t sponsored by Red Bull, so no one knew it was going to happen. In that case, what’s the point? Why walk across the Grand Canyon on a wire if no one’s watching? We don’t do stunts for ourselves, we do them for the attention. If you were busy getting your reality show cancelled this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, Queen Elizabeth II sent out her first tweet to open an exhibit at the Science Museum in London. In her tweet, she greeted everyone to the exhibit and expressed her hopes that everyone enjoys it. All of her tweets since then have been nothing but pictures of her grandchildren and conspiracy theories.
The Steve Jobs we deserve
It was announced this week that Christian Bale will play Steve Jobs in yet another movie about the deceased Apple genius of geniuses, directed by Aaron Sorkin. In the announcement, Sorkin said that Bale will “crush” the role of Jobs. Bale said he’s looking forward to the role, as he has a lot of experience playing billionaires who develop their own technology by day, and crush the windpipes of bad guys by night.
After a mother complaints went viral, Toys R Us pulled Breaking Bad action figures from its shelves. In response, actor Aaron Paul criticized the company’s decision, and fans formed a counter-petition to bring the toys back. In other news, thousands of people in Africa are dying from Ebola.
Sorry we missed each other last week. I was busy spending my regular-sized weekend drinking beer and whitewater rafting. Not at the same time, though. That would have meant a lot of spilled beer. Although going over the rapids drunk probably would have enhanced the fun and maybe helped me to forget how cold it was. If you were busy being named the Ebola czar this week, odds are you missed it.
Sorry, bloody sorry
This week, Bono apologized to the world for pushing U2’s newest album into the faces of every iTunes user ever. The frontman said that the band didn’t mean any harm to the people who complained about getting something for free, they just wanted to make a big entrance with the new album. Now if he would apologize for his last decade of work.
How does that even come up in an interview?
Author John Grisham found himself in hot water this week when he said he thinks that courts should go easy on guys caught causally or accidentally viewing child pornography. He cited a friend who drunkenly downloaded pictures of girls who weren’t 18 yet but was caught and labeled a sex offender. Public outcry didn’t care for his position. Grisham apologized, saying, “Yes, I believe they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!”
The ocean is broke
Actor Leonardo DiCaprio, named messenger of peace and master of the universe by the U.N., donated $2 million to the ocean this week. Big deal, that old lady donated priceless jewelry to the ocean at the end of Titanic. (Spoiler alert.)
Ahoy me hearties! Tis’ the end o the week, and while normally the dread pirate, Bryan McBournie sails these here waters, this week he be in the dreaded wasteland known as “Ohio.” Alas, we must tread on and embark on the voyage known as the weekend, and if ye were busy making yerself look like a ship o’ fools during a NFL press conference, odds are ye missed it.
There be a new Aye Phone!
We heard a little parrot tell us there be a new phone that came out. People waited in line fer days for a device that they had the technology fer two years ago, overpaid in booty fer then acted like uppity wenches once they got it.
The Exempt List means ye be in Davy Jones Jake Locker
There be a league o not so extraordinary gentlemen that has a problem wit treating their maidens right. But the captains of these ships can’t figure out how to discipline their crew. The Ravens cut Ray Rice a few weeks ago, but then some magical “Commissioner’s Exempt List” became available fer Adrian Peterson and Greg Hardy. All o this smells fishy to us, but so does everything else, but remember, wear pink NFL gear in October!
We missed out on Braveheart 2
Scotland (we really don’t like things with land) decided te remain a part o Europe apparently. While this was a big deal across the great pond, all ye lasses in America could do was post memes o Mel Gibson.
Until next International Talk Like A Pirate Day, remember, the dread pirate Steve be in no man’s debt!
Guys, I’m a little nervous. There are all these articles out there today saying that an asteroid is going to zoom past the Earth on Sunday. They claim there’s no real danger, but I don’t trust them. For example, the Europeans just got a probe to orbit and soon land on an asteroid, NASA says it wants to land people on an asteroid. What if the asteroid race is warning us not to mess with them. The next one could have our number. If you were busy getting your hopes up for what will surely be a disappointing football season this week, odds are you missed it.
Joan Rivers dies, parts of her aged 81
The world of comedy was dealt another big blow this week with the death of Joan Rivers. She was known as one of the first women to do real comedy once women were given such a right via a constitutional amendment, and managed to stay relevant decade after decade. First Robin Williams, now Joan Rivers. I’m calling it right now: it’s the Curse of the High-Profile Louie Cameos. Look out, Jerry Seinfeld!
Celebrity skin not celebrated
This week, nude photos of dozens of female celebrities were posted on a forum online, supposedly from hacked Apple iCloud accounts. The media and many of your friends on social media were outraged that such a thing could happen, because celebrities shouldn’t have to deal with the same problems and normals. The FBI announced that it would investigate the alleged crimes, because only the feds are allowed to violate citizens’ privacy. We can only hope that the victims and their families are OK, and that they don’t decide to have their own reality shows.
Virginia is for bribers
Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell and his wife were found guilty of several counts of corruption while he was in office. Among other things, they were accused of accepting gifts in exchange for favors and sweetheart deals. They were given hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash, gifts and trips while they were in office. It’s the first time a Virginia governor has been convicted of a crime. Nice try, Virginia, but you’ve got a long way to go before you have as many convictions under your belt as Illinois or Louisiana.
It’s Friday afternoon, it’s nearly Labor Day weekend. We’re on the home stretch, here. Maybe kill a little time by reading about the week’s events, what do you say? Honestly, I’m as surprised as any of you that anything happened this week. I’ve been too busy watching the Simpsons marathon to pay much attention to anything. And yet, things happened anyway. If you were busy announcing that you secretly got married in France this week, odds are you missed it.
Judged by the color of his suit
ISIS is still on the move, protests continue in Ferguson, Missouri, the U.K. raised its terrorism threat level, but President Barack Obama wore a tan suit during a press briefing this week, and it’s all anyone would talk about. Female politicians said the president got a taste of what they deal with every day, while critics said he is clearly out of touch. In response, Obama vowed to wear a tuxedo T-shirt at the next briefing.
The internet was rocked this week when it was announced that Hello Kitty is not, in fact, a cat. A spokesman from Sanrio, the company that owns Hello Kitty, said that the beloved character is actually a little girl, rather than a cat. She even has a pet cat. Nothing makes sense anymore. Up is down, left is right, dogs and girls are living together.
The fight for four inches of room
What’s worse than flying on a plane? Flying on a plane and the person in front of you reclines their seat. And what’s worse than that? Having your flight diverted because passengers argued over reclining seats. That happened twice this week. In one case, a passenger used a product call the Knee Defender, which prevents seats from reclining, and the passenger in front of him got mad. This is the best possible publicity for the Knee Defender, which plans on releasing a product that keeps toilet seats from being put down, called Pee Defender.