Are there any real musical mysteries left? I’m sure there will be some new ones, and there may be some minor ones that just aren’t top-of-mind, but I think the big ones are done. Earlier this year, Don McLean revealed what the hell “The Day the Music Died” was about, and it wasn’t that interesting. This week, Carly Simon opened up about who “You’re So Vain” is about, and it’s not one person, but several. Maybe these singers realize that thee people who care are dwindling, or they need a little boost in sales. At least we don’t have to hear about how mysterious they are anymore. If you were busy telling the world you’re HIV positive this week, odds are you missed it.
Make America 1942 again
There were all sorts of hot takes about what the U.S. should do with thousands of Syrians who are fleeing terrorists and a dictator. But the hottest take went to Roanoke, Va., Mayor David Bowers, who cited the “internment” camps the U.S. forced Japanese Americans into during World War II, suggesting such steps may need to be taken with these people who aren’t white like Bowers. This goes well with the city’s new slogan: “Roanoke: Guantanamo Bay, but With Southern Charm.”
Coffee: The elixir of life
According to a study released this week, drinking coffee can reduce your chance of several different illnesses, including heart disease. The study, which followed 200,000 subjects over the course of 30 years, went so far to say that heavier coffee drinkers had a significantly lower chance of death than those who drank little or no coffee. You know, just in case people who drink a lot of coffee needed something else to lord over everyone they meet.
Women just aren’t feeling it
It was revealed this week that Addyi, the female libido enhancer, has been prescribed just over 200 times since coming on the market in the U.S. earlier this year. The reason: most husbands aren’t doctors, and can’t prescribe it themselves. This is easy to fix, women will buy all they can if you slap a Kardashian face on it.
Television has made a lot of advancements over the decades. But as I watched last night’s Jets-Bills game (there was nothing else on) I wondered if color TV was a misstep. Nike introduced the first of their “color explosion” jerseys last night, and they are aptly named. The Bills were decked out in cherry red from the shoulders down, while the Jets were pretty much solid green. It was like watching a bunch of fire hydrants against fake Christmas trees. As if a matchup like that isn’t hard enough to watch normally. If you were busy kicking the media out of your protest this week, you missed it.
Give the gift of unwelcome sexual advances
Fresh off the Starbucks red cup outrage–whatever it was–another company has offended holiday shoppers more than a month away from the holidays where people buy things for other people. Bloomingdale’s, which apparently is still a thing, ran an ad this week suggesting that you “spike your best friend’s eggnog when they’re not looking.” That’s undeniably rape-y sounding, but what’s more offensive is that Bloomingdale’s assumes that I would associate with anyone who drinks eggnog that doesn’t have booze in it, much less call them a BFF.
This week, reports surfaced that the reason Gwen Stefani is divorcing Gavin Rossdale is that she found pictures and messages between the Bush frontman and the nanny going back for years on an iPad synced to his iPhone. So please explain to your niece or nephew who these people are and why this is important.
Shots put in shot putters
It was revealed this week that there was widespread doping on the Russian Olympic team during the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Observers say the first clue was when a Russian pole vaulter broke a pole over his knee and then cleared the 20-foot bar without it.
I’m not really a big Halloween guy. It’s not because I’m in my 30s and its a little weird for people my age to dress up in costumes. I’ve been this way at least since high school. When I was a kid, Halloween was great. I got to wear a costume of my choosing, I got tons of candy, and there were pumpkins to carve. Now it just seems like a hassle. Finding a costume is the problem. Either you make one yourself by shopping around, or you pay a ton for a crappy pre-made thing. I always look forward to the day after Halloween so I can read about all the people who wore clearly inappropriate costumes. If you were busy claiming you had sex with Prince this week, odds are you missed it.
WHO ruins everything for everyone
The World Health Organization released a report this week linking processed meats, such as ham, bacon and hot dogs, with colon and stomach cancer. A second report release found that about two-thirds of people under 50 have some form of herpes. But really, who cares? If the internet’s bacon craze is any indicator, we’re all going to die of cancer in a few years.
Racing Johnny Carson would be better
It was announced this week that Universal Studios Orlando will open a ride featuring Jimmy Fallon in 2017. The move is seen as corporate synergy at its best. The ride is supposed to be a race with the Tonight Show host through the streets of New York, but probably with less profanity than the real thing. Like the show, all the “spontaneous” moments will have been choreographed, and no one will think Fallon is funnier than he will. Just try not to fall down and hurt yourself, Jimmy.
Wrestling moves in our schools
This week, a school resource officer in South Carolina was caught on video throwing a teenage student out of her chair when she refused to leave a classroom. And a video at a school in California showed a large student fight, during which the principal is body slammed. Man, Michelle Obama’s Let Move campaign is really connecting with kids.
From here on out, the Back to the Future trilogy will take place exclusively in the past. Wednesday marked the date in the second film where Doc and Marty travel to the future. This means that kids won’t see the movies the way we did. More importantly, it means an end to those “today is the day” hoaxes that duped your friends on social media. It will also hopefully mean the end of companies trying to cash in on the film nostalgia. Who wants to bet the remake them within a decade? If you were busy bringing back the flip phone in a music video this week, odds are you missed it.
A new hope
After months of anticipation, the final trailer for the new Star Wars film was released this week, and the internet went nuts. It had a decent amount of new footage and hints at what the hell the plot is supposed to be, and had more Han Solo in it. Fans now have just two months until their absurdly high expectations for the movie are crushed and their childhoods are collectively ruined yet again.
Ryan tells House he needs time with his other family
For weeks, Rep. Paul Ryan said he didn’t want to be speaker of the House. But at the insistence of his party, Ryan said he would take the job, as long as Republicans agreed to his demands, including that he not have to give up any of his time with his family, and that his staffers be allowed family leave. For those of you keeping score at home, Ryan just insisted that he and the people who work for him get paid leave, but he still believes that if you need to take some time off to tend to personal matters, you should just quit your job and stop asking to get paid for work you’re not doing, bub.
Dems compete for worst day ever
This week, Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb announced they will no longer seek the Democratic nomination for president. Vice President Joe Biden announced that he won’t run for the White House, either. Martin O’Malley sang an awkward dad version of “Bad Blood” on national television, and Hillary Clinton was grilled for 11 hours about Benghazi and her emails. By default, it was a good week to be Bernie Sanders.
People were shocked when Playboy announced that it’s going non-nude from now on, and I don’t understand why. Didn’t the magazine do that for a few issues 30 years ago when Hugh Hefner had a come-to-Jesus moment? It didn’t work then, obviously. It may or may not work now, but the real question is who cares? I can’t tell you the last time I saw a place that sold Playboy, much less talked to someone who owned them. I know a generation ago it was like a rite of passage or whatever, and that older guys are probably all that’s keeping that magazine is business, but Playboy magazine hasn’t really ever been relevant to people my age, and I’m sure it isn’t for those younger than me. As long as the mansion’s still having parties. If you were busy taking your reality show to capture your ex-husband’s struggle for life this week, odds are you missed it.
The outlaw returns
It was confirmed this week that an old photograph bought at a store in California is a newly discovered photo of Billy the Kid. Photo experts authenticated the photo, which shows Mr. The Kid and members of his gang in Lincoln County, New Mexico playing croquet after a wedding. That means that every girl planning a wedding in a barn with string lights and mason jars is adding croquet to her reception plans right now.
Trump, Carson threaten to not be seen for once
This week, Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ben Carson told CNBC that they would boycott the upcoming debate hosted by the news channel if it were to run more than two hours long and not include opening and closing remarks. So that’s how you get rid of them.
What’s that smell?
Researchers in California have developed a bikini they say will help clean the ocean. The skimpy swimsuit is made out of material that repels water, but sucks in pollutants in the water. The invention has a fatal flaw, because women wearing bikinis at beaches never actually go anywhere near the water.
Apparently there’s a pumpkin shortage this year. That seems odd, because every grocery store I’ve seen has been bursting with them. The real problem is how we’re using them. The grocery store just down the road from me is selling painted pumpkins. Painted. Pumpkins. You’re supposed to do two things with a pumpkin: eat it, and carve a jack-o-lantern. When you paint a stupid face on a pumpkin, you can’t do either. Is this a thing now? If you were busy getting released from prison this week, odds are you missed it.
House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy was having a decent week until he removed himself from consideration to be the next speaker of the House. According to reports, Speaker John Boehner’s hand-picked successor received an email this week threatening to expose an alleged affair with Rep. Renee Ellmers. And that is called being majority whipped.
There’s no emoji to get this right
Speaking of getting messages you don’t want, Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz had a headache of his own when his fiance sent a group text to all of the women he is cheating on her with. In her message, Elaina Watley introduced herself, and called out the other ladies for banging her fiance. It appears Cruz will be using his hands for more than just football.
This week, while promoting his new movie, Spectre, actor Daniel Craig said he would rather slash his wrists than play James Bond again. Perhaps this is a peak at what the new movie will be like. That would explain why Sam Smith’s song for the film is so moody and bland.
October is the worst time to be an NFL fan. It’s the month your team spends looking like something Mike Huckabee wants to boycott. They have all their usual colors, but some pink accents here and there in honor of breast cancer awareness month. It’s also a well-documented that the NFL puts as much money toward breast cancer research as it does the effects of repetitive brain trauma. It’s a cheap reach to score some more female viewers and take some of their money. Don’t buy in to the NFL’s pink gear. Also, don’t get a Buccaneers jersey for any reason ever. If you were busy eating a Whopper with a black bun this week, odds are you missed it.
Grown man takes sport too seriously
The Washington Nationals began this season with high hopes, but fell apart as the year wore on. The season’s symbol came this week when pitcher Jonathan Papelbon yelled at Bryce Harper for not running to a base fast enough, even choking Harper when he got back to the dugout. In a veteran move, Papelbon only used his glove hand to choke the team’s star player.
Hurricane trumps Trump
This week, Hurricane Joaquin formed in the Caribbean, spreading fears that it would hit the U.S. East Coast after lashing the Bahamas. The concern grew so much that Donald Trump had to cancel a campaign stop in Virginia Beach, Virginia. In a time when mass shootings are a near-daily occurrence, it’s nice to get some good news.
Sleepy moms have a new choice
A company called Steem has begun selling peanut butter with a large dose of caffeine in it. The company said it can help people cut back on their coffee intake, while enjoying the bliss of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not to be outdone, Skippy will start putting speed in its peanut butter.
I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the song for the new James Bond movie. “Writing’s on the Wall” is Sam Smith’s take on a theme song for spy thriller, and for some reason it’s slow and seemingly filled with self-doubt, which is the opposite of Bond. While the songs from Bond films are a mixed bag at best, at least they usually feel like they belong in a movie filled with explosions and easy women. The thing is, I can’t figure out which Tom Petty song Smith is stealing from this time.
The audacity of pope
Pope Francis started his tour of the U.S. this week by spending three days in Washington, D.C. He met with government officials, ate lunch with Catholic charities, and even addressed a joint session of Congress. The very next day, House Speaker John Boehner announced he will resign next month. No doubt because he allowed the literal head of a foreign religion to come in and tell us what we should do.
It was discovered this week that Volkswagen cheated on its emissions tests for its diesel cars for years in the U.S. and Germany. The company initially denied the claim, which means it supplied it, according to emissions playground rules. CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized and stepped down from his post. Worst of all, he has been uninvited to all the cool Oktoberfest events.
It’s officially fall
Port police in Philadelphia intercepted a shipment of 360 pounds of cocaine hidden inside pumpkins imported from Costa Rica, authorities said this week. Man, pumpkin spice is in everything this time of year.
Hi guys. Some funny things happened this week, didn’t they? We’ll get to that in a minute. First, how about we all back off the Jared Fogle jokes? It seems like everyone’s been making the same jokes about Subway’s slogan or sandwich sizes this week. Even celebrities and comedians who don’t usually write hacky crap. The guy was into some nasty things, and messed some kids up. Maybe we shouldn’t be laughing. That’s all. Now let’s move on to things that we probably should laugh at. If you were busy nearly going to war over pamphlets this week, odds are you missed it.
A candidate for the coveted male vote
The already crowded presidential field added one new face this week when Deez Nuts announced his candidacy. Almost immediately, the candidate was buzzing on social media. He even polled at 9% in North Carolina. Then it was revealed that it was all a joke perpetrated by a 15-year-old boy in Iowa. Nice try, kid, but we’ve already got a fake candidate for president, and his name is Donald Trump.
Bringing sweatshops back to America, finally
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos found himself under a lot of scrutiny when a New York Times article portrayed his company has a toxic place to work, encouraging numbers and stabbing fellow employees in the back. Bezos dismissed the story, saying it was a skewed version of his company and its culture. It’s only a matter of time before a drone reports harsh working conditions.
The Duggar affair
This week, hackers made good on their promise to release customer data from Ashley Madison, the site for married people seeking to have affairs. So far, the most notable member revealed is Josh Duggar, one of the kids of 19 Kids and Counting fame, cult member, alleged sister molester and family values advocate. He confirmed he was a member of the site, but reminded everyone that gays are ruining the institution of marriage.
I really hope we’re finally seeing the beginning of the end of superhero movies. The Fantastic Four reboot flopped last weekend, probably because it’s a bad movie. But part of me also hopes it’s that we’re just tired of the same stuff we’ve binged on for 15 years or so. Let’s be honest, Avengers 2 was mediocre. It was a jumbled mess, mostly because it had so many notes to hit, so many winks to every other Marvel movie or show, that it forgot to be fun. The only people I know who saw Ant-Man are admitted comic book fans. We just need a couple more of these movies to disappoint, and then maybe we can finally move on. If you were busy signing off from the Daily Show this week, odds are you missed it.
Grumpy old men
The top 10 Republican presidential candidates faced off in their first debate this week, and it was the circus we all hoped it would be. Donald Trump insulted random people and didn’t answer any questions, and everyone else just yelled their opinions when they felt like it. The three Fox News moderators asked the candidates questions regarding foreign policy, Obamacare, Planned Parenthood and God, and still took criticism from conservatives on Twitter. I’m starting to think I like reality shows after all.
Let’s see what celebrities are up to
This week, it was announced that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting a divorce, as are Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani. There was a rumor that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were getting a divorce, but that ended up not being true. Jennifer Aniston married her boyfriend this week, and Lenny Kravitz accidentally exposed his member when his pants split during a show. So in all, it was a big week for 1998.
Failure to launch
According to a new study, more Millennials are living with their parents than they were just a few years ago. This seems to be despite an uptick in employment rates and the median wage for the demographic. This study was published in The Medical Journal of Reasons Not to Have Kids.