Category: You Missed It

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Secondary security edition

Real TSA agents carry their poker chips with them at all times.
Real TSA agents carry their poker chips with them at all times.

There’s a lot of NASA-related stuff out there lately. Of course, it’s the 45th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing, but also, NASA officials said this week that they expect to find some sort of extraterrestrial life in the next 20 years. Here’s a question for them: How do they know? NASA isn’t exactly the best at keeping things on schedule. We should have been to Mars a dozen times over by now. But how can anyone possible estimate when mankind will find evidence of life on other planets? That’s like saying 200 years ago that we’re close to discovering indoor plumbing. If you were busy getting meatballs thrown to you in the All-Star game this week, odds are you missed it.

Passing the time in an airport
Authorities say a man decided to get a little drunk at a San Francisco airport, which led to other problems. He happened to be wearing a blue shirt and khakis, and decided he looked enough like a TSA agent to give it a whirl. He gave two woman pat-downs in a private area he set up for himself before he got caught. It’s getting harder and harder to tell the security people from the molesters.

Didn’t they kill Captain America already?
This week, it was announced that there will be a new Thor, who is a woman, and a new Captain America, who is a black man. Also, the much anticipated issue where Archie dies was finally released. In all, it was a bad week for white guys in comic books. Naturally, a lot of people who don’t read comic books had very strong opinions about the choices the writers made.

Also wanted: Anne Hathaway
It was announced this week that a few years ago, Russian hackers got into Nasdaq’s system, snooped around, and planted a “digital bomb” that could damage the trading system. Fortunately, it never went off. Experts believe that this was largely because Bane and his henchmen got out as soon as they had what they wanted.

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Crumbling edition

WHY, GOD??!!
WHY, GOD??!!

We were all shocked at the news that broke today. It’s been years since this person left, and since then, there’s been bitterness on the part of the fans, and moderate success on the part of the individual. But after all that has happened, it’s time for forgiveness. We can now all be excited because Rosie O’Donnell is returning to The View! If you were busy celebrating the return of a guy you’ve hated for years, odds are you missed it.

That’s the way the cupcake crumbles
This week, Crumbs Bake Shop closed its doors suddenly, even to the surprise of its won employees. The chain had 14 stores throughout the U.S., and was known for being a go-to place when you forgot your coworker’s birthday. Naturally, the country has been in upheaval since the announcement. You can take away their pensions, you can charge them more for health care and you can track their every movement online, but take away Americans’ cupcakes and there will be hell to pay.

Has anyone seen my vial of smallpox?
If you work at the Food and Drug Administration, you probably feel like you can walk around your office as free and clear from illnesses as any workplace in the world–until recently, that is. It was announced this week that during the transfer of lab equipment to another facility, workers found vials of smallpox sitting in an unused storage closet. The vials date back to the 1950s, which means they were sitting there for the better part of a century. Still think you don’t need to get your grown child vaccinated?

Brazilians not so smooth
They had everything going for them. They’d make a strong showing in earlier matches, they defeated a strong Mexico, they had their crotches freshly waxed, and yet something went wrong for the Brazilian team this week. They lost 7-1 to Germany, which in a game where a 1-0 victory might as well be celebrated as 1,000-1, was quite bad. The entire country was shocked. Once they come out of shock, they’ll probably try to forget it ever happened and just go back to rioting.

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Courting edition

And if that doesn't work, it's time for the evil eye.
And if that doesn’t work, it’s time for the evil eye.

Did you miss me? I didn’t miss you. It’s not anything against all of you fine readers of discerning taste, it’s that while I was gone, I was on a tropical beach drinking rum for roughly 168 hours straight. During that time, I wasn’t really thinking, “Man, I sure wish writing snarky stuff about current events!” But my trip had to end, and so here we are again. This still beats working on a Friday afternoon. If you were busy threatening a movie this week, odds are you missed it.

Great, now all three branches are involved
House Speaker John Boehner made headlines this week when he announced plans to sue President Barack Obama for overstepping the bounds of executive power. Boehner, who in no way looks like Robert Wagner, insisted that the move is not simply an election-year stunt, and said that should the lawsuit fail, he will file it again another 50 times.

We’ve all been fight-a-homeless-guy drunk
Actor Shia LaBeouf drunkenly disturbed a performance of a performance of “Cabaret” by spitting into the air and generally being a jerk, according to witnesses. He tussled with a security guard who escorting him out after LaBeouf fell down on his own. Outside, he apparently fought with a homeless man before getting arrested. Man, viral marketing for the new Transformers movie has stepped it up.

When is a loss a win?
It was a must-win for USA. Actually, the U.S. Men’s National soccer team just had to tie Germany in order to advance. The battle with Germany was tense for the first half, and a lot of inappropriate World War II jokes were made. But as the game went on, it turned out that even if the U.S. lost by a goal, they still advanced because of another game being played somewhere else. So all the U.S. had to do was not lose by a lot. With competition like that it’s no wonder why we have World Cup fever.

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Bleeding heart edition

"We're sorry. We'll never do it again."
“We’re sorry. We’ll never do it again.”

Before we get started, this may end up being the last You Missed It you see for a bit. I’m getting married next weekend, and leading up to that I will almost certainly not have time to tell you all about the news you failed to read. That’s too bad, because I was really looking forward to coming up with fresh soccer jokes. Maybe someone will cover for me next week, maybe they won’t. If you were busy winning a lawsuit for the use of your song in a commercial this week, odds are you missed it.

Germany has lost its mind for soccer
If you’re reading this, there’s a solid chance you’re an American, and thus, aren’t really familiar with the World Cup traditions. Apparently, national teams usually have a slogan and ad campaign going into the tourney to get their home country fired up. (The U.S. team’s slogan: “Thanks For Letting Us Play in a Game, You Guys.”) This year, Germany’s is about each player giving his heart for “the cause,” which never sounds good coming from Germans. Adidas’ campaign for Germany features players holding out hearts–actual cow hearts–as an offering. Guys, we need to keep a close eye on the Gerrys.

It’s enough to drive you to drink
Folks, are you sitting down? Good. I’ve got some bad news for you. Maybe you should pour yourself a drink first. If that drink you poured is whiskey, you’d better enjoy it, because there’s a national whiskey shortage right now. According to the Distilled Spirits Council, whiskey consumption has grown in the U.S., and distilleries are having trouble keeping up with demand. Best of luck to you all in surviving the upcoming riots.

#topsecret
This week, the CIA joined Twitter and tweeted out its first tweet. Now it will be a lot easier to tell if spies are following you.

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Gut feeling edition

This animatronic creature has filled in for McCartney at his canceled shows.
This animatronic creature has filled in for McCartney at his canceled shows.

It’s not really summer, but we’re all tricking ourselves into thinking it is. That’s fine with me I guess, I support any holiday where society collectively deceives itself. Earth Day is another example. For one day a year, we all act like we care about the environment and swear we’re going to recycle more and drive less. Companies get in on it by turning their logos green. Then we as a society go back to saying “Screw you, grandchildren!” a day later. If you were busy this week getting outraged about the title of an upcoming movie for the second time in a month, odds are you missed it.

Beatle has a bug
This week, Sir Paul McCartney fell ill while on tour, causing him to cancel several show dates. Spokespeople said McCartney, 71, will be back out touring again soon. According to reports, he is suffering from a viral infection. Paul, you’re too old to be partying with the kids, this is what happens when you hang out with Miley Cyrus.

Worst spring break ever
Kevin Spacey traveled to Mexico this week to meet with President Pena Nieto. The two ran into each other at a resort in Cancun during Tianguis Turistico, an international tourism conference. It was alleged that the Spacey was paid by the Mexican government to make the appearance, which caused outrage among many Mexicans. However, the most outraged was Nieto himself, when he later learned that Spacey is not the president of the U.S.

A big weekend for toilets
Beef was recalled in 10 different states earlier this week. It was reported that six different retail chains sold tainted beer. Then later, the Centers for Disease Control linked at least seven E. coli infections to sprouts, hummus, walnuts and several kinds of dips, which also prompted a recall. So stock up on toilet paper, America, you’re about to lose some weight over the long weekend!

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Stained reputation edition

Pictured: Also making a comeback from 1998.
Pictured: Also making a comeback from 1998.

If you have a girlfriend, you’ve probably watched HGTV, the channel that runs nothing but people who renovate homes and the annoying customers they deal with. This week, HGTV cut a new series about two home renovation brothers after it was discovered they had attended an anti-gay, anti-choice rally. The Benham brothers cried “bullying,” of course. It was a business decision on HGTV’s part. Think about how many non-talk show hosts are anything but apolitical? None, because no network wants to get letters about how the Property Brothers are baby killers. If you were busy getting a refund on your shoes with toes this week, odds are you missed it.

You again?
Monica Lewinsky made a return to headlines this week, sitting down for an interview in Vanity Fair. There’s not much new to be found, it’s just her attempt to set the record straight and update us on how she’s been. Between this, Benghazi, and Whatever Sarah Palin said this week, it feels like scandals in the news cycle lately are like summer movies, just rehashes of things you were moderately interested in the first time around.

Vacationing with Vlad
Russian President and part-time beefcake Vladimir Putin traveled to Crimea this week, his first trip there since Russia annexed it. There were parades for a Russian holiday, with a backdrop of clashes between factions that left many injured and a few killed, and local leadership planning a referendum on autonomy. After landing, Putin said, “We annexed this? It looks and sounds like New Jersey!”

It’s OK to use ‘tape’ as a verb again
Sony announced this week that it created a cassette tape that can hold 180 terabytes of data, enough room for roughly 47.3 million songs. If this mix tape doesn’t work on your high school crush in the 1990s, nothing will.

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Disowned edition

Now he's going to hate Asians, too.
“Come to think of it, I don’t like Asians now, either.”

It seems like every week some columnist is declaring social media dead, like they’re ER doctors or something. As much as I would like it, Facebook isn’t dead, and luckily, neither is Twitter. Things don’t die just because you tell them to, they die because you were so quick to move on to the next big thing you didn’t look back. When someone has to remind you that it existed, it’s dead. If you were busy drooling over the cast of the new Star Wars this week, odds are you missed it.

Clipped
The NBA banned Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life, after recordings surfaced of him making racist comments involving black players, and his girlfriend taking pictures with Magic Johnson. A picture of Sterling in his underwear was also released this week, and it came out that he has been diagnosed with cancer. You had a better week than Sterling did.

Good-time Harry is back
England’s Prince Harry and his girlfriend, Cressida Bonas, announced that they have ended their two-year relationship this week. The revelation dashed many hopes in the U.K. for a royal wedding, since Harry introduced her to his grandmother, Queen Elizabeth, a few months back. So when your girlfriend talks about how said this is, just nod.

Call of Cards
It was announced this week that Kevin Spacey will play a central role in the next Call of Duty game, due to be released later this year. Fans of the series hailed the announcement, as the plotlines of CoD games have become to convoluted that it will help when Spacey turns to the camera and explain in detail what is going on and what he’s about to do.

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Old technology edition

You'd think if he was going to phone it in, he would've done a banana.
You’d think if he was going to phone it in, he would’ve done a banana.

I’m always amazed when politicians take up the cause of some random yokel. It’s like they find one guy out of millions who fits their idea of what the average American is, and they run with it. Then they are all surprised when that person ends up being a crazy racist or a tax-evading non-plumber. That said, I want to be one of these politicians’ pets. I’d imagine the free sandwiches you get for that week are scrumptious! If you were busy releasing some annoying, Japanese-themed music video this week, odds are you missed it.

Remember floppy disks?
In the early 1980s, Andy Warhol took to computers to create new works of art. He then saved them on floppy disks and did nothing with them. Then he died. Those images were left to sit on the disks for decades, until they were recovered by experts and put on display this week. they included a brightly patterned self portrait, a Venus with three eyes, and a Campbell’s soup can. Wait, didn’t he already do one of those? Sounds like someone ran out of ideas.

Illinois: State of misery
If you live in Illinois, there’s a decent chance you’d rather live somewhere else, according to a new poll. One in four Illinoisans wish they could switch states, and who can blame them? They’ve got meth in the south, and corruption in the north. If only they had the motivation to leave. The poll also found that people in Texas, Alaska, Hawaii and Montana think they live in the best state, which means that people in Texas, Alaska and Montana are delusional.

And the winner is …
On Monday, Meb Keflezighi won the Boston Marathon in two hours, eight minutes and 37 seconds. He is the first American to win the race since 1983, and you’ve already forgotten his name.

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Husky size edition

Chaos rules the campus after the UConn women's basketball victory.
Chaos rules the campus after the UConn women’s victory.

I want to form my own rock ‘n roll hall of fame. Anyone can do it, if they have the money. You just get a bunch of your music loving friends together, declare yourselves an authority, and bands will just show up to play for you. You don’t need to oversee modern music, nor do you need to root out doping. It’s not like musicians around the collectively said they want their names to be immortalized in the armpit of Ohio. Someone one day said that they were going to be the master of music and everyone went along with it. If you were busy being named as David Letterman’s heir this week, odds are you missed it.

March Mental Illness comes to an end
This week, the University of Connecticut women’s basketball team one the NCAA tournament, and just days later, their male counterparts did the same thing. So of course, the school rioted. This year’s men’s tournament made everyone think the same three things: 1) You are stupid for filling out a bracket every year, 2) those entitled jerks from Connecticut will be insufferable, 3) at least it wasn’t Duke.

Seven decades is a pretty good run
Fans of the iconic Archie comic book character, at least the five still living, were up in arms this week when it was announced that the title character will bite the big one in an upcoming issue of “Life with Archie.” This is apparently a different universe from the original Archie series, so the ginger will live on in other books. How will Archie die? Defeated at the hands of his enemy, Doomsday.

Internet insecurity
The internet got quite a security scare when it was revealed that a major security flaw found on servers of major websites running outdated firmware, called Heartbleed. This caused pretty much everyone to change their passwords, and high school bands to change their name.

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Selfie inflicted wounds edition

They've actually been doing this for a long time.
They’ve actually been doing this for a long time.

Another April Fool’s Day has come and gone. Did you get fooled? Actually I don’t care. One day a year, everyone thinks it’s a good idea to stop accidentally spreading misinformation on the internet, and take a day to willfully spread misinformation on the internet, because it’s funny. Actually, it’s just annoying. All your female friends on Facebook announce that they’re pregnant, like they did last year, and actual news outlets get caught thinking outlandish falsehoods are actual news. I like you better when you’re calling each other Hitler while discussing peanut butter brands, internet. If you were busy announcing your retirement from The Late Show this week, odds are you missed it.

This controversy brought to you by Samsung
One of the worst things about the age of camera phones is the selfie. People hate it when you post them (unless there’s cleavage), it’s a scientific fact. So it makes sense that Samsung is using the selfie as part of its marketing campaign. When your world champion Boston Red Sox visited the White House this week, slugger David Ortiz took a selfie with President Barack Obama. Naturally, it was a stunt by Samsung, allowing people outside of New England yet another reason to hate the Red Sox.

‘LOL, James Franco thinks I’m cute’
Elsewhere on the internet, James Franco found himself in hot water this week. Franco, 35, (He’s that old? Jesus.) Flirted with a 17-year-old Scottish girl who met him at his Broadway show. He asked her how old she was, whether she had a boyfriend, and if he should get a hotel room. He even sent her a photo of himself to prove that it was really him hitting on her. Naturally, the girl told everyone about it. Once again, selfies are a bad idea.

Will legislate for food
Rep. Jim Moran, D-Va., said that he believes lawmakers should get paid more. He said that while they make $174,000 a year, many members of Congress have to rent small apartments in the out-of-control Washington housing market. Moran said it’s gotten so bad lawmakers can barely afford the hush money for their mistresses.