I’m pretty excited that preseason football is back — not because I watch it, but that it means real football is right around the corner. My wife and I have to spend a lot of time at home these days because we have a newborn. If it weren’t for the Olympics, there’d be nothing in the way of sports to watch. Late summer baseball is tedious, no one watches golf and NASCAR isn’t a sport. Preseason football is just as unwatchable as anything I just mentioned, but it means there’s hope, and that’s what we all need sometimes. If you were busy signing off of your Comedy Central show this week, odds are you missed it.
What Did Ryan Lochte Do?
This week, American swimmer Ryan Lochte, who probably sees Flea’s hair stylist, reported he and some teammates were robbed at gunpoint during a night out in Rio de Janeiro. Turns out he and his buddies, all of whom are adults, trashed a gas station and urinated all over the place when they weren’t allowed to use the restroom. The truth about the incident wasn’t known for days because of NBC’s tape delay.
Not always greener
According to a recent poll, things aren’t looking good for Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein. More Texas voters said they would vote for old favorite Deez Nuts. To be fair, they probably thought the pollsters asked if they would vote for Truck Nuts.
Russian ally out of power
Capping off several days of shake-ups, the Trump campaign announced that Paul Manafort would be stepping down as chairman. The guy has experience getting dictators in power, but couldn’t make it happen this one time. The next Trump campaign chairman? You guessed it: Ryan Lochte.
At some point, Star Wars fans need to admit to themselves that they like the Empire better. Most of the merchandise you see, and all of the memes people share, are about storm troopers or Darth Vader. Do we even know why the Empire is bad in the first place? All we (and by “we” I mean people who haven’t read the books, because we’re not nerds) really know is that the Empire is dealing with a rebellion has a thing for blowing up rebel planets. Seems pretty reasonable for an intergalactic war. If you were busy saying you didn’t say what you said about Second Amendment people this week, odds are you missed it.
Sexism is the newest event
The Olympics are a sporting tradition like no other. Once every four years, the world comes together act like it cares about swimming, gymnastics and women in sports in general. NBC took a fair amount of criticism for sexism from the commentators during its coverage of the first week of the summer games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. NBC apologized for any accidentally sexist comments, and insisted it has no problem with covering girls as they compete in their own separate but equal little events, but it’s going to be tough to keep from getting excited during the women’s trampoline competition, ya know?
Women continue to be in movies
This week, cast members of Ocean’s 8, an all-female remake of Ocean’s 11 (the good one) were announced. Meanwhile, all-female reboot of Ghostbusters is rumored to not be getting a sequel, following a loss of $70 million. I don’t know. I think they’re going to keep making these types of movies because they’re trying to reach an underrepresented audience and want to do a decent thing. Or they just realized they can pay actresses way less than men.
Concertgoer smokes weed
Malia Obama, the president’s oldest daughter, was seen in a video leaked to the media taking a drag of what appeared to be a marijuana joint while attending Lollapalooza in Chicago. People who took offense to this took to the internet to express their outrage, but then asked what a “Lollapalooza” is.
The 2016 Rio Olympics are finally here, and it’s going to be a literal s&%$ show. From the toxic water, to the incomplete facilities and the guest appearance of the Zika virus, this just isn’t looking good. Given what we’ve seen so far, I will be shocked if we don’t see some sort of major security or public health issue arise as a result of these games. Maybe we need to stop doing this, or just having them in the same place every time. If you were busy picking a fight with a baby this week, odds are you missed it.
Obama administration’s greatest accomplishment
This week, a bombshell of a story was released, finding that for the first time since 1979, the federal government’s dietary guidelines did not include flossing your teeth. The government acknowledged that there was no scientific evidence that flossing daily made a significant impact on one’s oral health. So that thing you never did in the first place? Keep on not doing it.
Dr. Moreau’s funding restored
The National Institutes of Health this week lifted its ban on funding experiments creating part-human, part-animal embryos. This is great news, because I was having a lot of trouble creating my army of centaurs with my own measly funds.
Virginia is for lovers of meth
The mayor of Fairfax, Virginia was arrested this week after authorities said he tried to give an undercover police officer methamphetamine in exchange for sex. That mayor’s name: Rob Ford.,
John Hinckley Jr., the guy who shot President Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster, is going to stay with his mother. People are outraged over this and I don’t understand it. The guy has been in psychiatric care for longer than I’ve been alive. Since 1981 he’s been under the constant care of doctors. Doctors are supposed to help people. Apparently he’s been helped enough that he can live with his mother, who has to be ancient, for her remaining years. Where are the mental health advocates on this? He hasn’t been convicted of any crime. Let him go home finally, and keep an eye on him. If you were busy making people forget about Jeremy Renner this week, odds are you missed it.
Woman up for man’s job
This week, the Democrats nominated Hillary Clinton for president–the first woman to ever get the nomination from a major party. So let that be a lesson to all you young ladies out there, if you work hard, believe in yourself, and have your friends rig the system, you too can run the country someday. It’s about time women caught on to the winning game plan white men have been using for thousands of years.
Olympic athletes greeted with rivers of poo
Athletes arriving in Rio de Janeiro for the Summer Olympics have reported sub-par living conditions in the Olympic village. The buildings are suffering from gas leaks, power outages, fires, mold and plumbing problems. The Australian committee called the buildings uninhabitable, and an Argentinian official suspected sabotage. Brazilian officials said the buildings are fine, and are meant to help the athletes feel like they’re really living in Rio.
Sesame spoiler alert
Sesame Street is losing three of its long-time cast members after 45 years. HBO revealed that Bob, Gordon and Luis will not be returning to the beloved children’s show. It was revealed that next season Bob will be eaten by dragons, Gordon will have his head exploded during a trial by combat, and Luis will be shot and stabbed during his own wedding.
For the past two weeks, Pokemon Go has been taking over the world. Players of all ages have been geeking out over the game. They have been invading social media with their constant posts about their finds, and invading private property and restricted access areas like military bases, prisons and hallowed graveyards. They got upset when people made fun of them, or complained they didn’t care about their posts. Folks, I’ll make you a deal: I won’t post about my imaginary football team this fall if you stop posting about make-believe animals you find with your smartphone. If you were busy copying off of someone else this week, odds are you missed it.
Fear and loathing in Cleveland
This week, the Republican National Convention was held in Cleveland — as if that city hasn’t seen enough hardship. The event had everything: a voting controversy, an ethics controversy, Rudy “I Was Mayor on 9/11” Giuliani yelling like he was at Wrestlemania, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, funny hats, chants about imprisoning opponents and Donald Trump yelling a speech about how everything is terrible but he will fix it. All the hard work Leni Riefenstahl put into the event really came though.
Kanye vs. Swift III
Taylor Swift found herself in the middle of a new controversy after Kim Kardashian posted video of Kanye West getting an OK on lyrics for his new song from Swift over the phone. She had previously denied she knew anything about her mention in the song. And because it’s a scandal, it’s only a matter of time until Hillary Clinton is involved somehow.
Something wacky in the water
Authorities in a small Colorado town warned residents to bathe or drink tap water this week after THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, was found in one of the town’s wells this week. To which the locals replied, “Dude, no drinking water? How are we supposed to get rid of this cotton mouth?”
I saw various people this week get upset about a report from employees that Facebook is biased against right-leaning news in its news feed thing. Here’s a question: who cares? Facebook isn’t a news source, as much as it would like to be. The stuff that pops up in its news sidebar are the least important news items out there in the first place. It’s just celebrities are TV news. How a free site chooses what is and isn’t newsworthy in its own judgment should have no impact on your life. The far-right seem to get their news via sharing memes, anyway. If you were busy waiting in the airport security line this week, odds are you missed it.
Gun auction misfires
Noted bigot and fashion critic George Zimmerman managed to crawl back into the headlines this week when he put up for auction the gun he used to murder teenager Trayvon Martin for being black and wearing a hoodie in 2012. Zimmerman said some of the proceeds would go to fight Black Lives Matter. However, the online auction kept getting derailed by activist bidders driving up the price, many of the bids came from a bidder named Racist McShootFace, which means Zimmerman needs to come up with a new name for the boat he’s going to buy.
Smokin’ in the bathroom that matches your gender identity
This week, the Obama administration released a letter of guidance to public schools to allow transgender students to use the bathrooms they are most comfortable with. North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory called on Congress and federal courts to defeat the guidance, saying that students should use the bathroom that matches the gender on their birth certificate. Because North Carolina has a rich history of making people use the bathrooms and water fountains according to certain physical characteristics.
1800s nearly forgotten
The death of the oldest living American this week means that Italian national Emma Morano is the last living person to have seen the 19th century. The 116-year-old was born in November of 1899. She credits her longevity, and this is true, to a daily glass of homemade brandy. So drink to Morano when you hoist one back this weekend. Who knows, maybe one say you’ll be lucky enough to have outlived your siblings, children and anyone else in the world who can relate to you in any way!
I’m surprised by how many people are complaining now that there are no good candidates to vote for in the presidential election. There never were. A year ago, there wasn’t a single candidate that got me excited. I don’t know what dream you people were chasing. From the outset, the most viable candidates on either side were seen as such purely for their last names. And now we can look back on that concern as quaint and innocent. There were never any good candidates, there are just fewer bad ones to choose from. If you were busy celebrating Cinco de Mayo this week, odds are you missed it.
We live in an alternate universe
This week, Donald Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee after Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the race, thus ending Carly Fiorina’s record-short vice presidential bid. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders said the Democratic National Convention will be contested … for some reason. It’s good to see that poor decision making doesn’t belong to one party, isn’t it?
A challenge American can handle
It was announced that the U.S. is in the midst of a cheese surplus. According to the Department of Agriculture, a glut of milk has lead to increased cheese production. At the same time, we’re importing a lot of cheese from Europe. Cheesemongers are flooding the market. So don’t be shocked if you start seeing cheese in exciting new products, like a cheese-stuffed burger, cheese-stuffed fries, or to capitalize on the breakfast food craze, cheese-stuffed pillows.
Drivers will have hands at 6 o’clock
Analysts said this week that self-driving cars will give occupants more free time than ever, and naturally, one of the top activities will be sex. Just imagine how different driver’s ed will be if these guys are right.
Somehow I’m more turned off by the Democratic primaries than I do the GOP race. I find the Republican race of more consequence and much, much cruder, but out of nowhere, the Dems and their supporters have become intolerable. This week alone we had Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton trying to out-New York each other. Nothing says “I’m in touch with real Americans” like a pissing match for the most self-important city in the U.S. Then there are your Facebook friends who post 18 things a day about how great Sanders is, and how THE MEDIA IS AGAINST US, MAN! The media are a bunch of outlets with no common agenda, other than entertaining you. Blaming your problems on them is like blaming your fart on the dog. If you were busy (finally) retiring from basketball this week, odds are you missed it.
Taking the law into his own hands
It was revealed this week that as Texas solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz penned a 76-page brief with the U.S. Court of Appeals defending a state ban on the sale of sex toys. He unsuccessfully argued that Americans have no legal right to stimulate their own genitals–no, really. Folks, if we have the right to bear arms, we certainly have the right to hairy palms.
Time to probe some aliens
A group of investors and scientists, including Mark Zuckerberg, Russian billionaire Yuri Milner and famed physicist Stephen Hawking this week announced an initiative to send a bunch of tiny probes to Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to Earth. The nanocraft would travel four light-years in about two decades. So let the record show that when the Centaurian War is over, we fired first.
Use of electronic devices is now permitted
This week, AMC Theaters floated an idea to allow cell phone use at certain designated shows, arguing that it would be more appealing to younger moviegoers. The proposal was met with such strong criticism that AMC announced a day later that it was killing the idea. To which younger moviegoers said, “We know, we saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.”
Baseball is back, and old people could not be more excited about it. I’m a casual observer of baseball until after the all-star break, because really those are the only games that matter in a 162-game season. About half the opening day games were postponed because of torrential snow or rain. I think it was a wise move for the MLB to call these games early. If they hadn’t, they would have lost some fans to exposure. Old people are fragile. If you were busy proposing on top of a mountain this week, odds are you missed it.
The side project awakens
This week, the trailer for Rogue One, a new Star Wars movie that takes place around the time of the first trilogy, hit the internet. And because it’s the Star Wars, the internet went bonkers. However, Trump supporters said they have had enough of the liberal Rebellion media coverage. They declared it was bad trade deals that brought down the Old Republic establishment, and the galaxy far, far away needs a firm, authoritarian hand to unite it.
Gays now welcome in Catholic Church
Pope Francis released a letter this week calling for the Catholic Church to be a more welcoming place. He called on priests to be more accepting of single parents, divorced couples and most notably, gay couples. In the very same week it was announced the pope was considering visiting, and this is true, the island of Lesbos. Who’s got the stones to tell the infallible guy it’s not what he thinks?
Racist charicature to get own movie
Warner Brothers confirmed that it is working on a movie about Speedy Gonzalez of Looney Tunes fame. Some people say it’s a bad idea, but I’m excited about a dark, gritty reboot of the cartoon character–sort of like what Warner Brothers did with Superman.
April Fools’ Day is the most dad-oriented holiday of the year–more so than even Father’s Day. If you really stop and think about it, who are the people who enjoy it the most? Dads, because they get to play pranks on their gullible children. Sure, the annoying guy in your office loves to fill up someone’s cubicle with packing popcorn, and a few people on Facebook think those fake articles news sites post are hilarious. But really, it’s the dads who enjoy it. It’s probably because those little jerks have it coming to them. If you were busy watching March Madness this week, odds are you missed it.
State Department gets too real
This week, the State Department sent out some tweets aimed at keeping college students safe when traveling abroad during spring break. One tweet that took some flak for being insensitive read, “Not a ’10’ in the US? Then not a 10 overseas. Beware of being lured into buying expensive drinks or worse–being robbed.” This tweet is actually good advice. Europeans are generally way hotter than Americans. If you’re not a 10 where you live, move to the Midwest. You’ll be slaying it.
Apparently Trump doesn’t like women
Donald Trump, *sigh* Donald Trump had a rough week, after he said women should be punished somehow if abortion is made illegal, and his chief of staff, Corey Lewandowski, was charged with battery on a female reporter. Worst of all, he said if you’re not a 10, you should absolutely go to Europe because you don’t deserve to live in this great country of ours.
A pardon from President Bartlet
Martin Sheen announced this week that he is working on a new series on Investigation Discovery (which is a channel, apparently) about how O.J. Simpson didn’t kill his wife or her friend. The series will be called “Hard Evidence: O.J. Is Innocent.” I just have one question: Isn’t that what the jury decided 20 years ago?