You Missed It: Taking back America edition
Posted on August 27, 2010
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Well, the good news is that all the annoying kids who were crowding your favorite hangouts are back in school now. If nothing else, it’s quieter. The bad news is that summer is almost over. Well, technically it’s not over until mid-late September, but really, everyone counts it as at Labor Day weekend. So really, it’s the last normal weekend of summer, if that makes any sense. If you were busy getting trapped in mine this week, odds are you missed it.
The Million-Honky March
As with any other city, there are some downsides to living in the Washington, D.C. area–traffic, homeless people shouting random things at you, and Congress. Well, that last one is actually unique. Being near the seat of power for the whole country really becomes a pain in the ballot box when a protest comes to town. This weekend, Glenn Beck and the Beckites (who had a hit song in the late 80s, I believe) are rallying at the National Mall this weekend to protest that liberal schools are teaching children that we lost World War II, or something like that. Me, I’m going to head down there tomorrow and sell tin foil hats at $15 a pop. I will never have to work again.
Mistakes were made
It was five years ago that Hurricane Katrina hit the lost city of Atlantis, known today as New Orleans. Michael “Brownie” Brown, who was the director of FEMA at the time of the storm, decided to come out of whatever moldy trailer he had locked himself in, to say that perhaps he made a mistake in 2005. “In my defense, without me, Treme would never have happened,” Brown said.
Can’t get salmonella without breaking a few eggs
If you had an egg recently, you probably spent a fair amount of time on the can, or worrying that you would be very soon. The nation faces a series of salmonella outbreaks were linked to bad eggs. Naturally, Americans turned to lawmakers and asked, “But what about my Egg McMuffin?” Then again, if you get the runs from that, it’s nothing out of the ordinary.
You Missed It: Under oath edition
Posted on August 20, 2010
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And so ends another week. At this point, all the kids are heading back to school. There’s really nothing much to be excited about on that front, aside from the fact that everywhere you travel, there will not by high-pitched midgets around to bother you. That, my friends, is freedom. If you were bust thinking the president is a Muslim, odds are you missed it.
Rockets need juice
I will be honest with you here. You may not know this about me, but I am a fan of the Red Sox Base-Ball Team of Boston, Massachusetts, though this is not such a great year to be such. However, this week things got a little better, when retired pitcher Roger Clemens was indicted for perjury, relating to his statement under oath that he did not take steroids. Former teammate Andy Pettitte, Boston’s favorite Yankee, said The Rocket had in fact used performance-enhancing drugs. Rumor is Clemens’ doughnuts were filled with HGH instead of creme.
If I was president
Wyclef Jean, better know as the guy in the Fugees you can name who isn’t Lauren Hill, is Haitian. Perhaps you’ve heard. Jean is running for president of Haiti, because the earthquake has inspired him to hold a high office despite having no prior experience. Jean’s comment: “Hey, it worked for Elena Kagan!”
What word is offensive but not the N-word?
Just before the opening of her new movie “The Switch,” Jennifer Aniston finds herself in hot water for her word use. During an interview on “Live with Regis and Kelly,” Aniston said the word “retarded.” This means, of course, that there will be scored of people picketing her movie, telling people not to go in. Only this time, people may actually listen.
You Missed It: The Imus moment edition
Posted on August 13, 2010
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Everyone keeps talking to me about how it’s Friday the 13th. That has never really bothered me, I have found that wearing my ancient hockey mask does wonders to keep bad things away from me. I think the people who get all freaked out about Friday the 13th are the same people who love observing that the date is 8/9/10, or something like that. In many other countries, they reverse the month and day when giving the date, so I’m sure these people exist elsewhere, obsession over other arbitrary holidays. If you were busy nearly joining American Idol as the new judge, odds are you missed it.
N trouble
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who is apparently still around and still doing her advice radio show, got herself into trouble this week when an African American listener called in and complained about her white husband and his friend making racially insensitive remarks in her presence. Schlessinger, during the discussion, complained about how the N-word (hint: not “nincompoop”) could be said by blacks but not whites. She went so far as to say the entire word several times and pointed out that it is said on HBO all the time. To be fair, the last time she watch HBO, Roots was on.
The crazy, or just crazy hot? AMIRIGHT?!
College is crazier than ever, according to the greatest f$#*ing study ever, brah. No, really, it’s crazy. According to the American Psychological Association, the number of college kids with mental illnesses is on the rise. Apparently the one time in your life when all your bills are paid, your meals are free and your friends within walking distance can be quite hard. This, if nothing else, can explain why so many college students abuse alcohol–it’s to numb the pain.
It’s re-education time
Most of our country’s best ideas come from Texas–it’s a fact. Look it up. (Then tell me where you found it.) Most recently, Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Texas, uncovered the vast terrorist plot to send people to the U.S. so that they can have American citizen babies and raise them to strike against their home country someday. Federal officials are calling Gohmert’s assertions utter nonsense, but hey, if it happens in Salt, doesn’t that make it real?
You Missed It: Bid on his weight edition
Posted on July 30, 2010
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Really, you should look at this as your last update on major news stories for not just this week, but next week, too, because The Guys are off next week. Fear not, because we will be back with freshness on Aug. 9. So that means until then you’ll have to entertain yourself in some other way, like going outside. If you were busy walking away from American Idol, odds are you missed it.
He could still eat Bob Barker
Drew Carey turned heads during a recent appearance when less of him appeared than expected. The fat funny man dropped 70 to 80 lbs., depending on who you talk to. Apparently he cut out carbs, has been working out and taking appetite suppressants. Will he still be funny as a skinny guy? Depends, did you think he was funny in the first place?
In other news, Al Gore will not face sexual assault charges
Rep. Charles Rangel, D-N.Y., had 13 charges brought against him by the U.S. House Ethics Committee in relation to fund raising for a college public policy center, failing to file his taxes, and other allegations. The National Men with Slicked-Back Hair Association (NMSBHA) released a statement condemning Rangel, saying that he and pretty much ever movie villain ever give men with slicked-back hair a bad name.
At least it’s not an iPad
Amazon.com reporter this week that it is selling 80% more digital books than hardcover books, which means that people are into the idea of buying a large device and then paying for digital copies of books on top of that, rather than just buying a regular old book. The one drawback: your friends are no longer as impressed with the collection on your bookshelf.
You Missed It: I am your father edition
Posted on July 23, 2010
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Welcome to the end of yet another week. If you have not melted or died of dehydration, then you don’t live on the East Coast. July is always hot here, but this year is worse than most. So much so that I must shower when I get home from work. Did I dress myself again before writing this? That’s for you to ponder. If you were busy getting knocked around your plane by extreme turbulence, odds are you missed it.
The Dark Side compels you to give me all your money, no ink bags
A man dressed as Darth Vader robber a bank in New York this week. Boy, this Comic Con fever is getting into everyone these days! Wait, let’s try this one again. You say: Did you hear Darth Vader held up a bank? And I’ll answer back. Go! … Darth Vader held up a bank? Where did he use the force to put it back down?
Why does anyone live in coastal Louisiana anymore?
Tropical Storm Bonnie made landfall in southern Florida today, it’s predicted to move right on into the Gulf of Mexico, which, you know, hasn’t seen much press lately. By Saturday it could be right over the oil patch. As a precaution, work on capping the well has been stopped temporarily. Come on, Mother Nature, we’re trying to work with you, here.
Here comes more country on the Top 40 stations
Taylor Swift’s first single off her new album “Speak Now” will be released in mid-August. It will be her third album ever released. In other news, Taylor Swift is on her third album? When did the second one come out?
You Missed It: Under arrest edition
Posted on July 16, 2010
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Apparently there was an earthquake in the Washington, D.C. area early this morning. I saw apparently because I slept right through it. Granted, it was a small one, but I know people farther away who were woken up by the shaking. But the Washington will rise from this tragedy. We will stay strong. I will be accepting your donations–it’s for a good cause. If you were busy capping an oil well, odds are you missed it.
Now begins the wait for the movie
Colton Harris-Moore, the alleged barefoot bandit, was arrested in the Bahamas. He is wanted for a series of burglaries, as well as the thefts and crashes of a few planes. So that means it’s time for me to launch my career, get ready for “the shirtless bandit!”
I just want to say one word to you, just one word: Horses.
Dustin Hoffman has played everyone from Captain Hook to the Rain Man, and probably had some roles in the past 20 years. We’ll look into that one. His next role will finally take advantage of his short stature. OK, actually, we don’t know what he’s going to be playing, but he will be on an HBO show about horse racing. Let’s just assume for now that he’s playing a jockey. I’m in.
No booze at the reception though, they’re not 21
Finally, some good news. It seem there might be hope for the rest of us poor souls out there who threw away their hopes for eternal love when Al and Tipper Gore called it quite. Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are engaged! That means that The Daughter of an Overexposed Politician and The Guy Who Knocked Her Up are going to have the wedding of the year! So does this mean their son, Rig, or whatever his name is, is no longer a bastard?
You Missed It: This post is over edition
Posted on July 9, 2010
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Bryan McBournie is gone for the day. I won’t tell you where he is, but I’ll just say that what he’s doing rhymes with “pot neing a bedophile.” As such, your favorite (emphasis mine) fill-in writer, me, will have to satisfy your SeriousDesire. Look into my eyes. You know you want it. Just think of it as Christmas in July, even the Jewish people. If you were too busy popping any recalled pills so that you could get extra strength awesome (and by awesome, I mean ouch), odds are you missed it.
When Internet Doves Cry
The musician known as Prince that was then formerly known as Prince and now is known once again as Prince has declared that the internet is over, which has put our website into a little bit of a worry, seeing as how we’re web-based and all. The artist from Minnesota stated that the internet has become like MTV, outdated and that digital devices just fill your head with numbers. Of course, we’re thinking that he’s simply a little perturbed since there’s no key on a QWERTY keyboard for the “symbol.”
There’s a New King In Town
Heralded NBA player Lebron James, after months of deliberation and much press, has finally made his decision about where he will play next year. The hallowed “King” James has decided that the city where he will play in for the 2010-2011 season is Miami, as a member of the Miami Heat, alongside other superstar free agents Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. He leaves the Cleveland Cavaliers after 7 seasons as a Cav.
This Just In
The city of Cleveland is no more and has become a victim of a self-inflicted scorched Earth policy.
New Cheese Flavored Alzheimer’s Cure
A study at a university involving old rats has shown that they’re starting to retain their memories after losing them. This is great news, as even the derivative of the compound given to the rats appears to be even better at protecting memory neurons. Another great benefit: now we can remember just how many rats we killed, along with how many more we need to.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYou Missed It: On with the fireworks edition
Posted on July 2, 2010
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Have you seen the new Twilight movie? Me neither! OK, let’s face it, you saw it at midnight on Thursday. I won’t tell anyone you were there, I promise. Besides, no one is reading this in the first place. They have all headed out for their long weekends. If you were busy running from Hurricane Alex, odds are you missed it.
Spies like us
Shortly after Russian President Dimitry Medvedev (hey, two mentions in YMI in two weeks!) left Washington, D.C., the FBI swooped in and arrested 11 suspected Russian spies, three lived in the D.C. area, and the rest were in New York, I think. The media seized upon this important national security story with all the maturity that we have come to–wait, one of them’s a lady spy and she’s pretty? Put her on the front page!
Call it Ishmael
Twelve million years ago, a giant beast swam the seas and preyed upon whales. Some sort of shark? A squid? Some other sort of fodder for a Peter Benchley novel? No, turns out it was an ancestor of the sperm whale. Scientists announced their discovery of the whale this week after finding most of a skull and huge teeth in a desert in Paraguay. They named it after Herman Melville, because, of course, he wrote Bartleby the Scrivener.
Well, the British did set fire to his house
In other Russkies-related news, Mel Gibson has some problems with people who have Russian-sounding names, like Oksana Grigorieva, ex-girlfriend mother of his daughter. A tape surfaced this week in which Gibson took a break from blaming Jews for everything, and instead it’s a taped phone conversation, where among other things, he threatens to burn her house down, but first she must do a sexual act on him first. Remember that when you watch The Patriot this weekend. Happy Independence Day, everybody!
You Missed It: Four-star mistake edition
Posted on June 25, 2010
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As some of you know, I live in the Washignton, D.C. area, so reports of President Barack Obama are not unusual, but this week Obama took Russian President Dimitry Medvedev to a burger joint a few blocks from my office called Ray’s Hell Burger. It’s great stuff, but it’s the sort of place that reminds you what toilet paper is for. And here two presidents chatting over burgers at a tiny table. I’d imagine that was a bloated flight back to Moscow. If you were having problems with the signal on your iPhone 4 because you were, you know, holding it, odds are you missed it.
McChrystal clear (that one took me a while)
Gen. Stanley McChrystal, head of U.S. military operations in Afghanistan, stepped down this week after he mocked just about everyone in the Obama administration except Malia in a Rolling Stone article. He is not the first general to break the sacred “never do an interview for a magazine that will have a woman in a rifle bra on the cover” rule of war. Gen. Douglas MacArthur made the same mistake in 1951, when Betty Page appeared on the cover of Life magazine with a repeating rifle bra. MacArthur was recalled by Truman for comments made in his interview.
Yet another Muslim country we can conquer
As any historian knows, Jesus was an excellent soccer player. But now Our Risen Lord has a rival, and his name is Landon Donovan. He scored the winning go(oooo)al in the USA-Algeria World Cup game earlier this week, moving America to the second round. The goal was the only one in the game. Really. People watched for over 90 minutes waiting for something to happen.
A whole new web
It’s here. It’s finally here. After years and year of waiting, the Internet finally has what it really needs: .xxx domain. Now, you can tell that something is a NSFW site just by seeing what the domain is. That and it ushers in a whole new era of domain parking. Stay tuned for SeriouslyGuys.xxx
You Missed It: You don’t score until you score edition
Posted on June 18, 2010
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Let’s face it: this was a slow week. The weather was nice, people are going away on vacation, two or three people are glued to the World Cup. It’s a good time to be alive–unless you have to work in your office, away from the sun and the promised adventures of the summer. No, I’m not bitter at all. If you were busy posting fake pictures of Miley Cyrus, odds are you missed it.
American DUI
Ever wonder what happened to Chris Klein? Me neither, but we found out anyway. You remember him from American Pie and American Pie 2 as the annoyingly over-sensitive dude dating Mina Suvari. He went AWOL for the third installment, and now police say he went DUI. This week, Klein was arrested at 3 a.m. in California after he blew a .20 when he was pulled over. His dog was in the car with him. Was the dog refusing to let him drink any more until he went for a ride or something?
He funded his campaign with welfare checks–there’s no punchline
South Carolina politics are back in the news, and not because of the Confederate flag or hiking the Appalachian Trail. Democrats are regretting voting for the the first name they saw in the primary for a U.S. Senate seat. Alvin Greene, an unknown veteran with no job, won the nomination last week, and this week is raising eyebrows. Other Democrats are crying foul over the results, claiming the people really want them to get creamed by Sen. Jim DeMint this fall.
And another one from the Carolinas
Some guy in Cleveland County, North Carolina called 911, claiming to have seen Bigfoot (and sounding like he’d see the the bottom of a few bottles, too). So naturally, everyone in the area, including a guy whose first name is Pork, are claiming to have seen the creature, or found mysterious footprints. In other news, my gorilla costume is back from the dry cleaners’.