You Missed It: Eights are wild edition
Posted on August 8, 2008
Filed Under You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
It’s Friday. More than that, it’s an 8/8/08 Friday. Does that mean something special to you? It should, because it’s the last time we are going to see all three date categories matching up until 9/9/09, and we all know that is way too far in the future to comprehend. Anyway, if you were busy airing fake political ads this week, odds are you missed it.
Lucius Fox will not drive the Batmobile anytime soon
Actor Morgan Freeman and his wife’s friend were involved in a car accident in Mississippi. Reportedly, Freeman was driving at night and the car left the road, flipping into a ditch. He had surgery and was released, but it turns out he and his wife are getting divorced. It just so happens Freeman has been rumored to have a mistress that was one of his wife’s friends. Draw your own conclusions on the cause of the accident, if you know what we mean. Freeman’s accident is the latest in a series of mishaps and tragedies that have befallen the cast of The Dark Knight. First Heath Ledger’s death, then Christian Bale’s assault charges, then Maggie Gyllenhaal’s droopy face.
The Olympics are seeing red
Today marks the first day of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This means that we can expect a great deal of sports coverage on television for the next couple weeks. Security is said to be very tight at the event, so that means all the athletes have to worry about is smog, SARS and possible jail time for even saying the word “Tibet.”
Georgia on Russia’s mind
In a military operation totally not planned to happen the same day as the beginning of the Olympics, because that would just too conveniently take the world’s eye off the ball for a little while, Russia has invaded Georgia, making it the first time since General William T. Sherman in 1864 that an invading force has–wait, I’m being told there is more than one Georgia. Apparently there is one in Asia, too. Russia says next it will invade New Jersey, the one in Asia.
Packers send Favre packing
Brett Favre (pronounced FAV-ree) has been traded by the Green Bay Packers to the New York Jets this week after being reinstated in the NFL and a drama that has been going on since the end of last season and Favre’s (supposed) retirement. Favre is clearly going through the classic mid-life crisis, where a man looks around at his life, at his NFL records, his Super Bowl rings and his piles of money and asks himself “Is this really all there is?”
You Missed It: Hit and run edition
Posted on July 25, 2008
Filed Under You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
What can I say? It’s Friday in late July and everyone seems to be going on vacation. In fact, I will be on vacation next week, so yes, I will miss it. However, if you were too busy being courted by the Minnesota Vikings, then odds are you missed it.
Novak no-stop
Spy-outer and Politico pundit Robert Novak made headlines this week for something, but this time it wasn’t something he wrote. While driving in Washington, D.C., Novak hit an 86-year old homeless man and his car did not stop until a block or two later, when a witness on a bicycle flagged him down. The witness said the man rolled across Novak’s hood. Novak told reporters he did not see the homeless man, mostly because he was lost daydreaming about the redecorating efforts of cavernous lair.
Named storm comes to shore
Hurricane Dolly became the first named storm of the 2008 season to hit the U.S. when it made landfall near Brownsville, Texas. Surprisingly enough, the media seemed to miss the obvious “Hello, Dolly” puns waiting to be made. This blog would never stoop to such a level–wait, we just did.
Obama campaigns abroad
In an obvious effort to combat an image of inexperience in foreign policy, Sen. Barack Obama went on a tour this week of the Middle East and Europe. Stops included Israel, Germany and France. Obama has reported ended each speech with, “I want to improve U.S. relations with foreign countries, and that’s why I want all of you to vote for me!”
Look at the pretty colors
NASA announced this week that its THEMIS (Time History of Events and Macroscale Interactions during Substorms) mission has discovered that the Northern Lights are caused by the stressed magentosphere snapping into a new shape. The space agency said it picked the mission because everyone there had been taught in middle school what caused the lights, but could not quite remember what it was.
You Missed It: Unsung hero edition
Posted on July 18, 2008
Filed Under Booze News, You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
We find ourselves here again, at the end of five consecutive work days in a row. For many, this is a cause for celebration. The Guys have no Friday plans in celebration of the end of the week. However, if you are playing in the British Open this week, odds are you missed it.
King of Beers regime change
Anheuser-Busch stockholders and executives approved a $52 billion offer from Belgian-owned brewer-giant InBev on Monday. This prompted concerns of damage to national pride and Americana across the U.S., meanwhile, Budweiser drinkers everywhere asked “What’s a Belgium?”
Insert Smashmouth song title here
Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton put on a clinic in the first round of the MLB Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium, hitting a record 28 long balls, some of which have not yet landed. However, he did not come up with the win in the final round–hey, did you hear he was hooked on drugs until he got cleaned up? The following night’s All-Star game lasted an estimated eternity before the American League won in the 15th when the Minnesota Twins’ Justin Morneau scored on a sac fly. By the way, Morneau won the home run derby.
Great time to buy a home
The federal government is going to bail out colossal mortgage lender FannieMae and Freddie Mac, after an announcement this week. See, this all started when the mortgage market, the housing market and so on starting slowing down and people started defaulting …. Sorry, we dosed off there for a second.
Can anyone stop this abomination?
Miley Cyrus said this week she wants to do a new show that would be along the lines of “Sex and the City,” but cleaner and aimed at children and teens. Right, because four female something-teens, each with their own huge Manhattan apartments, giggling over boys and what’s happening to their bodies while sipping flavored water really holds appeal.
You Missed It: Aw nuts edition
Posted on July 11, 2008
Filed Under You Missed It | 1 Comment |
One again, we find ourselves at the end of the work week. For those of you who missed us last Friday (and we know you didn’t), fear not, we have returned once more. If you were too busy watching your mortgage company go under this week, odds are you missed it.
The ‘G’ stands for ‘green’
Leaders met in Japan this week for the Group of Eight summit in order to talk about important things that only the really, really important nations care about. One of the biggest decisions to come out of the summit was the agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions in half by 2050. After the leaders agreed, they all had a big laugh and swirled the ice cubes in their scotch.
You’re out
Yankee All-Star Alex Rodriguez’s wife filed for divorce this week. Something about how he has been caught cheating on her numerous times while she has been taking care of the kids. Happy to hear the announcement are ladies across the country and teammate Derek Jeter.
Don’t sugar coat it, Reverend
Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized this week for remarks he made about Sen. Barack Obama that were recorded accidentally into an open microphone after an interview. Jackson said, “See, Barack’s been talking down to black people … I want to cut his nuts off.” An extra Secret Service agent has been posted to guard Obama’s crotch around the clock.
High school has changed so much since I was there
A new study shows that for the first time since 1991, U.S. teen pregnancy rates are rising. No one seems to have a clear reason for the sudden increase, but point to high-profile teen pregnancies this that of Jamie Lynn Spears, 17, and the girls of Gloucester High School as possible influences. We here at SG have no idea what or who could be responsible for it.
You Missed It: Sidearm edition
Posted on June 27, 2008
Filed Under You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
It is Friday, the last one we will see in June–at least for this year. Yours truly will be heading up to New York City very soon. If you were getting drafted by the NBA this week, odds are you missed it.
Fire shots in celebration
In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Washington, D.C. handgun law this week, saying it was against the Second Amendment, which guarantees the right to bear arms. Perhaps the most unusual part of the majority opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, who said the court interprets it as “the right to bust a cap in some punk’s ass.”
Down with the Dow
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped more than 350 points on Thursday, making it the second worst day of the year. Some blame the fact that oil hit $140 per barrel for the first time, others on the weakening dollar, but we know it was really caused by the news that Heather Locklear entered a mental hospital that day.
Wonder how long until .xxx shows up?
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, or ICANN, opened up the Internet’s dot-something realm this week when it decided a whole slew of new domain names can now be possible. ICANN said Arabic, Chinese and other languages can have their own .something address now. In fact, entire words can now be made for .something addresses, including .something. So get ready for SeriouslyGuys.funnynewsblogsite!
Author knighted
Author Salman Rushie was knighted by the Queen of England on Wednesday. Rushdie is best known for his controversial book “The Satanic Verses.” So for all of you Muslims out there, it’s Sir Salman Rushie you want to kill.
You Missed It: Join hands and sing edition
Posted on June 20, 2008
Filed Under You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
Following a tradition going on for at least 15 years, Thursday was once again followed by Friday. That means we have reached the end of the week once again. If you were busy getting booed by protesters in the U.K., odds are you missed it.
Oui are in control
French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced on Tuesday that France would take a command role in North Atlantic Treaty Organization for the first time in 40 years. France left the command position in the 1960s after policy disagreements with the U.S. The reintroduction of France to NATO command means that the allied countries now have another military option in their repertoire: immediate surrender.
Cease in the Middle East
Israeli and Palestinian forces began a six-month truce this week and guns fell silent for the first time since anyone can clearly remember. The truce has been hailed as a sign of progress with peace efforts in the Middle East. Both sides said they were inspired to agree to a truce after watching You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.
Wait, there aren’t any lakes in L.A.?
After a six games, the Boston Celtics defeated the Los Angeles Lakers to win the (NBA) World Championship. The final game of the series was a blow out, but nonetheless, the postgame interviews were priceless. The best of all was the interview with Kevin Garnett, who told ESPN’s Michelle Tafoya “Michelle, you look great tonight, girl,” in between incoherent answers, shouts into the air and admitting that he is indeed “certifiable.” We are now more afraid of Garnett more than we were of Ron Artest.
Finally, a superhero movie this summer
Will Smith’s latest effort, Hancock, premiered in London earlier this week, but it is not scheduled to be released into theaters until July 2. Not much is known about the plot from the commercials, but SG has learned it is a biopic about founding father John Hancock and is seen as a cinematic response to HBO’s mini-series John Adams. In the movie, Smith portrays Hancock as a black, homeless, drunk superhero who is jaded by society but has the power to sign his name in really large letters.
You Missed It: Insatiable appetite edition
Posted on June 13, 2008
Filed Under Scurry '08, You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
Welcome to Friday. Though the summer may be coming on strong, oppressively strong in some areas, the news is not slowing a bit this week. If you live anywhere near the Mississippi River, odds are you missed it.
Maybe Obama will choose you
Though the race between Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton ended only a week ago, the news media wanted more. Since the results were announced, Obama has been hounded by reporters left and right asking who he will choose to run on the ticket with him. Earlier this week, Obama asked the media to cool it with the veep talk, saying during a press conference, “Look at the ball! Look at the ball! You want the ball? Yeah? Go get it! Go get that ball!”
The Incarcerated Hulk
Terry Bollea, better known as Mrs. Hulk Hogan, is half of what is shaping up to be the most exciting celebrity divorce of the year. Bollea wants Hogan jailed for not paying his share of payments on a condo in Las Vegas the couple had bought when they were not on the verge of ending things. The Hulk’s camped fired back that she is dating a teenager. There’s no punchline, not even a funny rant about wrestling or American Gladiators. It’s all true.
They’re still good for throwing at comedians
The Centers for Disease Control said this week that a total of 228 cases of illness have been reported in the U.S. as a result of salmonella-carrying tomatoes. In response to this, restaurants across the country have been pulling tomatoes from their dishes in the interest of public safety. See, Mom? I don’t have to eat my vegetables.
‘Wuts up, cndy pnts?’
Jim Gibbons, the Governor of Nevada, apologized Wednesday for sending around 860 text messages to a woman not his soon to be ex-wife on a state-owned cell phone. But Gibbons stopped short of calling the text messages “love letters.” Gibbons told the media, “I’m an old man, I don’t know how to write flowery love letters on this contraption. Besides, time is short, I keep my texts quick and dirty.”
You Missed It: You know how they go edition
Posted on June 6, 2008
Filed Under You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
It’s a beautiful day for most of the country? Why? Because it’s a Friday and there aren’t many tornadoes touching down across the Lower 48. If you were busy winning the Stanley Cup this week, odds are you missed it.
International Space Rest Station
Astronauts aboard the space shuttle Discovery this week took to space for many important missions, the most important to those already up there was the fixing of the bathroom on the International Space Station. The Discovery crew became the first space plumbers when they fixed the toilet with one giant plunge for mankind.
Terrorist trials
Two members of Al Qaeda on trial this week told a military judge they wish to be matryrs. One of the men, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, said after that picture of him being captured with his hair are mussed up looking like he just woke up, he was so embarassed he wanted to die.
Obama wins Democratic nomination
Sen. Barack Obama, in the final week of primary elections, claimed victory over Sen. Hillary Clinton, who conceded the race much later. The Obama camp was all smiles after Tuesday’s results. Also all smiles? The citizens of Montana and South Dakota, because their votes actually mattered in a primary.
‘Star Trek’ wedding
George Takei is getting married to his boyfriend soon, any it is said to be a small wedding. Takei said recently that he was not sure if his former “Star Trek” cast members will be invited. William Shatner was shocked, because they are having a “Trek” wedding in Vegas.
You Missed It: We’ll all float on edition
Posted on May 30, 2008
Filed Under You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
Welcome to the end of May. Coincidentally, it also happens to be yours truly’s birthday. Please, hold your applause. If you were busy landing on another planet this week, odds are you missed it.
Balloon designed to float really high does so
French skydiver Michael Fournier was probably a little frustrated when he watched his balloon float away with his hopes of breaking a record on Tuesday. He had planned to break the world record for highest skydive, but then the balloon came untethered and floated away accidentally before Fournier could even get in, much less jump. France promptly surrendered.
Pressed secretary
Former Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan released a book this week that raised some eyebrows in Washington. McClellan said national security advisers in the Bush administration served the president very poorly leading up to and going into the war in Iraq. He charges the administration of spinning important intelligence and intentionally leaking classified information. These and other revelations can be found in McClellan’s book, Things I Probably Should Have Told You Five Years Ago.
‘Nsync creator now ‘Njail
Ron Perlman, former manager of 90s boy bands ‘Nsync and the Backstreet Boys, was sentenced to 25 years in a federal prison, after being convicted of conspiracy, money laundering and other charges. Prosecutors said he swindled more than $200 million from investors through his business, which began in the 80s. Noticeably missing from the list of charges: crimes against humanity for getting those stupid songs stuck in our heads for years.
Undiscovered tribe found in Brazil
An “uncontacted tribe” was found and photographed by helicopter in a remote part of the Amazon rain forest. The Indians are pictured looking in confusion at the aircraft and even pointing bows and arrows at it. A nonprofit group said there are around 100 uncontacted tribes worldwide. The photographers celebrated the find by dropping iPhones, teen magazines and smallpox down to the natives.
You Missed It: Home movies edition
Posted on May 23, 2008
Filed Under You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
It’s getaway day right before Memorial Day weekend. Is anyone reading this? We cannot hear you, so we will just assume that you are indeed paying attention and move along with the feature. If you were out battling Soviet agents in an archaeological quest, odds are you missed it.
No-hitter in Beantown
On Monday, Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester threw a no-hitter against the Kansas City Royals in front of a home crowd. It was catcher Jason Varitek’s fourth no-hitter, a new MLB record. Lester, 24, has now beaten cancer, won a World Series and pitched a no-hitter. Major League Baseball announced they will investigate him for use of illegal substances.
Kennedy diagnosed with a brain tumor
On Tuesday, Sen. Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a brain tumor after having a seizure over the weekend. It was announced he will begin chemotherapy and other treatments very soon. Kennedy left the hospital in Massachusetts he had been staying at after doctors let him go. While much remains uncertain about Kennedy’s future, but doctors said the tumor should not affect his driving abilities.
R. Kelly in court, not closet
Jurors were ordered Tuesday to watch a 25-minute long tape allegedly showing R. Kelly involved in several sexual acts with a 13-year-old girl. After the tape was shown, the judge called for a 10-minute recess and everyone rushed to the bathrooms.
‘American Idol’ ends season
After a season of consistently low ratings, American Idol snagged 31.7 million viewers for its finale–a million more than this time last year. This season, David Cook took the honors with his singing talents that were better than the other guy’s. No, we didn’t watch it, either.