Being cool is a lot harder today than it was a decade ago, thanks to the progress of the internet. Ten years ago, the things we watched we on TV, and the music we listened to was on the radio. It was mostly how we learned about what the new cool thing was. Today, there are so many things to watch in so many different places online, and there’s so much music available to stream for free, you’re probably going to miss a lot of it. And now, James Taylor has the No. 1 album in the U.S. James Taylor. I no longer understand what’s cool. If you were busy selling your soul for success this week, odds are you missed it.
Love wins in split decision
This week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have a Constitutional right to marry. The 5-4 decision immediately made gay marriage legal in all 50 states. So if you see people nervously looking at the sky, it’s just homophobes waiting for God’s wrath to strike America.
Flags of dishonor
Following the murder of nine African-Americans by a white supremacist last week, the South Carolina legislature said it would consider removing the Confederate battle flag known as the Southern Cross from capital grounds, after state leaders called for the move. Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley ordered the flag to be taken down from the state capitol. For those of you keeping score at home, it only takes the U.S. 150 years to fix important societal problems. So watch out, crazed, angry people: you’ve only got until 2165 to buy guns.
Señorita Los Estados Unidos
Following Donal Trump’s slurs against Mexicans in his rambling announcement that he was running for president, Univision said it wouldn’t air the Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. In response, Trump has banned all Univsion employees from playing at his golf course in Miami–you know, like a president would do.
I’m really trying not to get cynical about things. That’s why when I heard that police caught the racist trash who killed nine people he didn’t know, I tried to focus on the fact that unlike so many shooters, he was taken alive, and now he’ll have to answer for his crimes. Maybe we’ll learn something from him and figure out how to keep this from happening again. I’m still trying to convince myself that we’re going to change this time. Let’s shift gears now. If you were busy getting sent to the purgatory of MSNBC this week, odds are you missed it.
Eat it, Alexander Hamilton
This week, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced that the $10 bill will feature a woman when the newest redesign is released in 2020, even though no one uses paper currency anymore. He didn’t mention any names, but said that it would be an American woman who represents the best in American values. So congratulations, Kim Kardashian!
Pope tells world to clean up its room
Pope Francis called out the rich and powerful for harming the environment, saying that Earth looks like “an immense pile of filth.” He called on everyone around the world to avoid the sin of polluting the Earth. The head of the Catholic Church also said that there is a “solid scientific consensus” that climate change is mostly cause by humans. Plus, Donald Trump announced he’s running for president. Weird week, huh?
When trans fats are outlawed, only outlaws will have trans fats
The FDA announced this week that trans fats will be banned by 2018. The federal agency’s announcement was criticized for being trans-phobic, especially for Pride Month.
I injured myself in a weird way this week. I was getting ready to climb into bed when I noticed that the fitted sheet was kind of coming untucked, which is never comfortable. So I put my tablet down on the bed and pulled the sheet down to its rightful place. In doing so, I pulled my tablet off of the bed and caused it to fall on my little toe. It’s all purple, and I’ve been limping ever since. It’s not easy to brag to people about an injury like that. I can’t tell people that I’m walking funny because I dropped my tablet on my pinky toe, it just makes me sound like a wuss. If you were busy celebrating your Triple Crown this week, odds are you missed it.
Authentic German breakfast
President Barack Obama traveled to Germany this week for the G7 Summit, and raised eyebrows when he was seen having a beer at a breakfast with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. He was also seeing what looked like a pack of cigarettes while standing on a balcony talking with Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi. It’s good to see that Obama treats business trips away from the wife as seriously as the rest of us.
Truly a post-racial society
The head of an NAACP chapter in Washington state is under scrutiny this week after her biological parents said they are both white, and so is their daughter. Rachel Dolezal identified herself as white, black and American Indian on a city application form. She’s 37, which is odd, because usually it’s white teenagers who pretend to be black.
Accused pimp slaps down charges
A panel of judges in France this week acquitted former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn of charges of aggravated pimping. Not only that, the judges awarded him points for degree of difficulty in the supposedly challenging line of work.
National Doughnut Day is about as American a holiday as any non-Super Bowl day can get. But its roots go back a century. During World War I, women from the Salvation Army gave out doughnuts to American soldiers to keep up morale, and probably to remind the boys on the front what a woman looked like. Just picture Ernest Hemingway driving an ambulance near the front lines, drunkenly chomping on a doughnut and trying to avoid driving into a trench. If you were busy campaigning for the female version of Viagra this week, odds are you missed it.
Mercifully, her name is “K” -free
Former Olympian and reality show cameo artist Bruce Jenner this week appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair, announcing that her transition to a woman is complete, and that she now goes by Caitlyn. The cover was celebrated in the LGBT community, and panned by the people on Facebook you knew would say something stupid. But the biggest controversy that has risen since Caitlyn’s transition? You guess it, whether they’re going to rename Bruce Jenner Lane in Austin, Texas.
Sepp Blatter announced he will resign as president of FIFA at some point in the future, and that he his cooperating with the authorities looking into the international soccer organization. He said he’d be happy to name names in the corruption investigation as long as “the FBI makes it worth my while, if you know what I mean.”
He means it this time
This week, former Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced he’s running for president. Kicking off a campaign that will need to curry favor with the public, the media and potential corporate backers, in seeking a public position bounded by a document that lays out a series of checks and balances, Perry played a country-rap song called “Answer to No One.” Between the glasses and the ironic choice in music, Rick Perry is your leading hipster candidate.
I’m never sure what to think about day drinking. On the one hand, if you’re drinking outside, there’s a decent chance that its daytime. And drinking outside is awesome. Having a buzz in the middle of the day is fun either way. The only problem is that after a couple hours you’re struggling to stay awake. That’s not fun. Over Memorial Day weekend I found a great compromise: late afternoon drinking. It’s great because it’s still light out, but not for very long, and then it’s night drinking. Then, you can go as long as you want. If you were busy spelling words on live TV this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, Swiss authorities arrested several top FIFA officials. The arrests were made in conjunction with the U.S. Department of Justice, with corruption charges coming soon once they are extradited.
You know what? It’s the Friday of a short week, and this was pretty much all anyone talked about. So we’re going to change up the format a bit. I’m just going to riff on this one and see how it goes.
That’s it, I’m never watching soccer again!
Several high-ranking football officials were arrested on corruption charges, sadly, Roger Goodell wasn’t one of them.
Finally the U.S. is taking down the sport that has been giving football a bad name with its dives and general swishiness.
If convicted, the officials face a sentence of hard labor building the stadiums for the World Cup in Dubai.
We just arrested the heads of the association that oversees the most popular sport in nearly every country but the U.S. We will never stop finding ways to make the world hate us.
Hi guys, so I won’t be doing this next week, because it’s the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, and I think we all know that you won’t be reading. Like you, I’ve got plans for the long weekend, and they involve driving long distances and probably sitting in a decent amount of traffic both getting there and coming back. Maybe if there’s a huge backup we can all get out of our cars and have an impromptu picnic like people do. I’ve always wanted to be in one of those. If you were busy falling off the stage during your band’s first gig of the tour this week, odds are you missed it.
Channing Tatum in: White House Drone
This week, Secret Service agents detained a man who they said was flying a drone near the White House, less than a day after the FAA declared Washington, D.C. a “no drone zone.” The man was released and given back his drone after he informed authorities that it was “opposite day.”
Voice actor Harry Shearer announced that after some 25 years, he is leaving The Simpsons. He voiced dozens of characters on the show, including Ned Flanders and C. Montgomery Burns. The announcement prompted the internet to simultaneously state that it hasn’t watched that show in years, while hoping that new actors are hired so that the show doesn’t go off the air.
Aussies value the safety of their sheep
The Australian government threatened to put down Johnny Depp’s dogs this week. The actor is in the country filming the next Pirates of the Caribbean film, and brought his two Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, in violation of the country’s quarantine laws. Luckily, Depp had them flown back to the U.S. before the Aussies destroyed them. Australia should be more concerned with the public health risk Depp himself presents. Mordecai, The Lone Ranger, Dark Shadows and The Tourist? That man is box office poison.
Every now and then, corporate America latches on to a song and decides we need to hear it a million times — not just on the radio, but in ads, too. Right now, it’s that damn “Renegades” song by a band you’ve never heard of. The worst part about a band selling out and putting their song in a commercial to make it big is that commercials run about five times every half hour. I wouldn’t complain if commercials went back to using faux-dubstep or their best impression of a Black Keys song. If you were busy releasing a report on the dumbest sports controversy ever this week, odds are you missed it.
No one wants Dallas
This week, the Pentagon had to explain that an upcoming training exercise involving special forces is not an attempt by the federal government to take over Texas, after Gov. Greg Abbott told the state national guard to monitor the operation and ensure that citizens’ rights aren’t infringed upon. Oh Texas, you’re so cute when you think you’re not a conquered people.
Meanwhile, in sports everyone has an opinion about
Following his loss to noted domestic abuser Floyd Mayweather, boxer Manny Pacquiao is facing a $5 million lawsuit for not disclosing his shoulder injury, which he will have operated on. People are upset that they bet money on a fighter without knowing everything about his condition. Folks, putting money on the outcome of a sporting event is called a gamble, not an investment.
Woman gives birth
Hey, remember that country we fought a couple wars against a couple centuries ago? They were all tyrannical and stuff? As it turns out, in the 21st century, they still have a family that tax dollars pay for to live in palaces and travel the world. I know, right! Not only that, but apparently they had a kid this week. What’s that? Oh, I don’t know. I think it was a girl or something probably.
More than 50 years ago, the White House and the press had a cordial relationship. That’s how Kennedy got away with banging anything with breasts that was within 500 feet of him. The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is a holdover from that time. Today, it’s just an annual thing where the lazy reporters who work too closely with administration officials meet up and pass inside jokes to each other, all while hoping to meet B list celebrities in attendance. This thing needs to go. Or I need to get invited next year, because let’s face it, who doesn’t want to meet Wolf Blitzer? If you were busy reuniting with the Blowfish this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, for the second week in a row, protesters took to the streets of Baltimore to call attention to the death of a young black man, Freddie Gray, who died while in police custody. Protests turned violent on Monday when cars and buildings were damaged and set on fire. Former Baltimore Ravens star Ray Lewis released a video pleading with the city’s youth to stay home and not riot. Ray Lewis. Ray “Obstruction of Justice” Lewis. Folks, when a guy who kept secrets about a murder is calling for calm, your city is in trouble.
Bison State curious
North Dakota state Rep. Randy Boehning recently voted against a bill that would have provided protections for the state’s LGBT community. That’s why it was so surprising that the Republican lawmaker’s profile in gay hook-up app Grindr was found earlier this week. Randy Boehning, which really is his name, has a history of voting against legal protections of gays, which is why he should have no problem when homophobic voters fire him for being gay.
More like Hateful Eight
Native American actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler’s latest film, which is said to be a spoof of The Magnificent Seven. The actors complained that the script was racially insensitive and the crew didn’t want to make any changes. Hard to believe charges like that against a guy who did a movie with Rob Schneider in yellowface.
I’m sick of trying to be the best at everything. Like when people say, “Have a great day!” that puts a lot of pressure on me. The quality of my day is typically out of my hands, especially if it’s not the weekend. I just want to be good enough. It requires a lot less effort, and you don’t have to feel like a failure if you’re not great. Maybe don’t try for an awesome weekend, just try to relax at some point. You’ll do just fine. If you were busy defending your quackery on national television this week, odds are you missed it.
You shall be judged
This week, a volcano in Chile suddenly and violently erupted, prompting the evacuation of a nearby town. It’s the first time it’s erupted in 42 years. The volcano spewed so much ash into the air that it formed its own cloud nine miles high. Then the cloud had lightning. Yes, there was lightning in a volcanic eruption. Now may be a good time to get right with your chosen deity.
A week before their return, the Avengers are under assault. First, Robert Downey Jr. walked out of an interview because the reporter was going off topic and being rude. Iron Man’s not going to take that. Later, Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner bore the brunt of online rage when they called the Black Widow a “slut” and “whore” because of her flirtiness. Let’s be fair though, Captain America is from a different time, so he can’t be blamed. And when was the last time that anyone cared what Hawkeye said or did?
We all report cramps after ice cream
Blue Bell Creamery announced the recall of all of its products in 20 different states after several cases of listeria were reported related to its ice cream treats. Any food safety scare can be cause for concern, but when was the last time you had ice cream and then lost 10 lbs.?
Look, I like beer. I drink it, some would say too much of it, and I brew my own every now and then. I’m pretty glad to see that people are trying out new beers and testing the boundaries all the time. But there are some things that just don’t need to happen, like New Belgium and Ben & Jerry’s teaming up for Salted Caramel Brownie brown ale. I like New Belgium, they do some fine beers. And I like Ben & Jerry’s, especially since I’m from Vermont. But that doesn’t mean that we need a beer that tastes like ice cream. If craft beer drinkers can criticize A-B Inbev for their [Fruit Flavor]-A-Rita abominations, they must hit New Belgium just as hard. If you were busy getting reinstated by the NFL after beating your child this week, odds are you missed it.
The mail gets through
This week, the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., was shut down when a gyrocopter landed nearby. The pilot was Douglas Hughes, a 61-year-old mailman from Florida, because of course he was. He was arrested immediately. The man told a local newspaper his plans days before he carried them out, but it was still news to Capitol security forces. Remember when crazy mailmen would shoot-up their workplaces? Who says the world’s not getting better?
When Matthew McConaughey cries
Predictably, people collectively lost their minds after another trailer for the new Star Wars movie dropped this week. This one showed the famed Millennium Falcon being chased by Imperial forces, like the last one. However, considering what we now know about Harrison Ford’s flying abilities, we should give Chewbacca more credit than we do for keeping that thing in one piece.
The bus is on fire
Country group Lady Antebellum’s tour bus caught fire in Texas on Thursday. The bus was pretty much gutted, but everyone got out of the bus without being harmed. Don’t worry, God, you’ll get them next time.