Category: You Missed It

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You Missed It: Husky size edition

Chaos rules the campus after the UConn women's basketball victory.
Chaos rules the campus after the UConn women’s victory.

I want to form my own rock ‘n roll hall of fame. Anyone can do it, if they have the money. You just get a bunch of your music loving friends together, declare yourselves an authority, and bands will just show up to play for you. You don’t need to oversee modern music, nor do you need to root out doping. It’s not like musicians around the collectively said they want their names to be immortalized in the armpit of Ohio. Someone one day said that they were going to be the master of music and everyone went along with it. If you were busy being named as David Letterman’s heir this week, odds are you missed it.

March Mental Illness comes to an end
This week, the University of Connecticut women’s basketball team one the NCAA tournament, and just days later, their male counterparts did the same thing. So of course, the school rioted. This year’s men’s tournament made everyone think the same three things: 1) You are stupid for filling out a bracket every year, 2) those entitled jerks from Connecticut will be insufferable, 3) at least it wasn’t Duke.

Seven decades is a pretty good run
Fans of the iconic Archie comic book character, at least the five still living, were up in arms this week when it was announced that the title character will bite the big one in an upcoming issue of “Life with Archie.” This is apparently a different universe from the original Archie series, so the ginger will live on in other books. How will Archie die? Defeated at the hands of his enemy, Doomsday.

Internet insecurity
The internet got quite a security scare when it was revealed that a major security flaw found on servers of major websites running outdated firmware, called Heartbleed. This caused pretty much everyone to change their passwords, and high school bands to change their name.

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You Missed It: Selfie inflicted wounds edition

They've actually been doing this for a long time.
They’ve actually been doing this for a long time.

Another April Fool’s Day has come and gone. Did you get fooled? Actually I don’t care. One day a year, everyone thinks it’s a good idea to stop accidentally spreading misinformation on the internet, and take a day to willfully spread misinformation on the internet, because it’s funny. Actually, it’s just annoying. All your female friends on Facebook announce that they’re pregnant, like they did last year, and actual news outlets get caught thinking outlandish falsehoods are actual news. I like you better when you’re calling each other Hitler while discussing peanut butter brands, internet. If you were busy announcing your retirement from The Late Show this week, odds are you missed it.

This controversy brought to you by Samsung
One of the worst things about the age of camera phones is the selfie. People hate it when you post them (unless there’s cleavage), it’s a scientific fact. So it makes sense that Samsung is using the selfie as part of its marketing campaign. When your world champion Boston Red Sox visited the White House this week, slugger David Ortiz took a selfie with President Barack Obama. Naturally, it was a stunt by Samsung, allowing people outside of New England yet another reason to hate the Red Sox.

‘LOL, James Franco thinks I’m cute’
Elsewhere on the internet, James Franco found himself in hot water this week. Franco, 35, (He’s that old? Jesus.) Flirted with a 17-year-old Scottish girl who met him at his Broadway show. He asked her how old she was, whether she had a boyfriend, and if he should get a hotel room. He even sent her a photo of himself to prove that it was really him hitting on her. Naturally, the girl told everyone about it. Once again, selfies are a bad idea.

Will legislate for food
Rep. Jim Moran, D-Va., said that he believes lawmakers should get paid more. He said that while they make $174,000 a year, many members of Congress have to rent small apartments in the out-of-control Washington housing market. Moran said it’s gotten so bad lawmakers can barely afford the hush money for their mistresses.

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You Missed It: Colbert bump edition

I own the rights to this photo. EAT IT, VIACOM LEGAL TEAM!
I own the rights to this photo. EAT IT, VIACOM LEGAL TEAM!

I have to be straight with you: I didn’t do a March Mental Illness bracket this year. I don’t think I did one last year. There wasn’t any particular reason, I just didn’t really feel like doing it. When I tell people I didn’t do a bracket, they look at me as if I said I don’t like puppies. I’m considering telling people I didn’t do it because I have a crippling gambling addiction. If you were busy trotting out your black hole theory this week, odds are you missed it.

Internet stops making jokes, being racist, to point out racist joke
This week, The Colbert Report did a send-up of the Washington Redskins Original Americans Foundation, which was created this week. On his show, Stephen Colbert announced he was forming the “Ching-Chong Ding-Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals or Whatever.” The show’s Twitter account then sent out a corresponding tweet, and Twitter called it racist. Then other people said it’s satire, not racism. How many breaks can Dan Snyder get?

Hope meets pope
President Barack Obama and Pope Francis met for the first time this week. They celebrated by giving each other weird gifts. The pope gave Obama two medallions and a copy of the book he wrote. Obama gave Pope Francis some carrot seeds in a box made from wood from the first cathedral to open in the U.S. Less than an hour later, The Colbert Report tweeted, “Hey, did you hear the one about the priest and the black guy?”

Ug, those two again
Actress Gweneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin announced that after being married for a decade that they are “consciously uncoupled.” It’s not clear why they didn’t use English in their announcement, but it makes me now wonder what constitutes an unconscious uncoupling would entail.

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You Missed it: Small caliber edition

They’re so cute when they’re little.

It’s a great time to be alive, people! Today, if you live in North America, is Pi Day, because it’s 3/14. Man, math humor just always kills. It’s also another holiday for guys, but we won’t get into that because your boss could be looking over your shoulder. On top of that it’s what Guinness is calling “St. Patrick’s Weekend.” So basically, your liver has a lot of work ahead of it. But before you get started, read this. If you were busy relaunching a Carl Sagan show this week, odds are you missed it.

This is my son, Bushmaster
No one names their kids anything normal anymore, but things are getting worse. According to a recent analysis of baby names, there’s a new trend of people naming their offspring after firearms. No, really. Barrett, Beretta, Browning, Cannon, Colt, Gauge, Gunner, Kimber, Magnum, Remington, Ruger, Savage, Shooter, Trigger and Wesson are all name trends. These parents probably name their guns “Steve.”

Better odds of getting a Batman or Iron Man
Hold on to your monocle for this one: America has more millionaires now than it ever had before. According to a recent study, in 2013 the number of U.S. millionaires jumped to 9.6 million, adding 600,000 from 2012. It’s also higher than the previous record of 9.2. million, which was set in 2007. You can probably guess what happened to those numbers in 2008. I’d like to personally congratulate all of our millionaire readers on their good fortune, and suggest that they all check out our merch.

Take 2
Walter Williams, the Mississippi man who made headlines when he woke up in a body bag a couple weeks ago, died this week. Or did he?

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You Missed It: Less friendly skies edition

The last remaining way to fly comfortably.
The last remaining way to fly comfortably.

The Oscars are this weekend, which came as something of a surprise to me. I was kind of hoping we were just not doing those this year because the Olympics were going on. Every year I manage to watch fewer and fewer of the nominated films. I figured out a while ago that the academy has pretty crappy taste in movies. For example, American Hustle was good, but it was just a heist movie. Whatever, period pieces always get nominations. If you were bust losing all of your Bitcoins this week, odds are you missed it.

American Airlines: Now without all those weepy mourners
On Wednesday, American Airlines is doing away with its bereavement ticketing, which could spell the end of the long-held tradition of not charging people up the ass for last minute flights due to a death in the family. From now on, if you want to fly American for less when someone dies, you’ll have to sneak into the plane’s cargo and sit with the casket. The airline said it’s not its fault that people have friends and family inconsiderate enough to die without giving six to eight weeks notice.

Chatroulette’s legacy lives on
It was revealed this week that the NSA and its British counterpart have been collecting and storing images from Yahoo video chats around the world. Millions of users were apparently captured in mid-conversation. Apparently, not all of them were having typical, “How’s it going?” conversations. Roughly 10% of the images captured are from doing things of a sexier nature via video chat. Does that number sound a bit low to anyone else?

What rhymes with separated?
Robin Thicke and his high school sweetheart wife appear to be calling it quits. Few details as to the cause of the split have emerged, but the smart money is because no one wants to be associated with people who hang out with T.I.

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You Missed It: Illiterati edition

Copernicus also taught us that the sun has a face.
Copernicus also taught us that the sun has a face.

Well this sucks. Yesterday, the women’s U.S. Olympic hockey team lost to Canada after being up by two goals. Today, the U.S. men’s team lost to Canada 1-0. The women won the silver medal, the best the men can now hope for is bronze. It’s not like team USA has done horribly, it’s just the agony of losing to those Molson-sippers twice in two days. If you were busy announcing an alternate version of your movie this week, odds are you missed it.

The universe revolves around us
Americans are good at a lot of things, but according to a new survey, science isn’t one of them. The National Science Foundation found that only 74% of Americans know that Earth revolves around the sun, and only half know that humans evolved from earlier species. This is why scientific polls should never be conducted in the state of Kentucky.

It’s a repeat
Jimmy Fallon took over as host of The Tonight Show this week, following what is surely going to be the temporary retirement of Jay Leno. His first week on the job was marked by celebrity cameos and high ratings. Hey, has anyone checked on Conan O’Brien? Someone should give him a hug.

Racism rocks in Texas
Rock ‘n roll senior citizen and self-proclaimed crazy person Ted Nugent this week called President Barack Obama a “subhuman mongrel” while on the campaign trail for Texas attorney general. At first, local politicians defended the Nuge, saying he was simply exercising his 1st Amendment rights, but soon, liberals like Gov. Rick Perry and Sen. Rand Paul called for an apology. Uncle Ted eventually apologized, saying that after personal reflection, he was wango tango sorry.

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You Missed It: Red eye edition

His heart burns for you as much as his eyes burn in general.
His heart burns for you as much as his eyes burn in general.

It’s February, that means that your single friends won’t stop complaining about being single, and your friends in relationships keep posting stupid stuff on Facebook. February is known for some bad movie releases, but around Valentine’s Day it gets even worse. This year, we’ve got Winter’s Tale, which from the previews, it’s about a time-traveling Irishman and a redhead who keeps taking her clothes off in a PG-13 movie. Then there’s Endless Love, which is apparently about a love without an end, and no famous people. It’s also about teens, so high school girls will probably love it. Smart money is that the male lead dies at the end. If you were busy watching your Corvettes get sucked into a sinkhole this week, odds are you missed it.

Bob Costas scratched from Olympics
Bob Costas has a pretty sweet gig. First off, he covers sports, the easiest news-related job in the world. Secondly, he covers one NFL game a week for a few weeks a year, plus the odd horse race or golf tournament. Every couple years, he’s the guy you go to for the Olympics. But this year, he’s recovering from some kind of double eye infection–during his big event. Trooper that he is, Costas hosted for the first few nights of the games, not even doing shots on the air would fix it. He had to step out Wednesday, only to be replaced by Matt Lauer, NBC’s guy with a functioning voice on their morning show. Next up, is … Meredith Vieira. Get well soon, Bob.

The military is now more accepting than the NFL
Missouri defensive end Michael Sam came out this week. (Side note, does anyone one say “came out of the closet” anymore? Did we stop doing that?) He told the New York Times that he’s gay, and unsurprisingly, the NFL all of sudden lost interest in drafting him. They said he would be a distraction in the locker room, as they do any time anything happens off the field, like every player on every team has ADHD or something. Rapists, abusers, drunk drivers, dopers and murderers aren’t distractions, but being gay is. They must think he’s going to wear shiny things on his clothes.

Not official until it’s on Facebook
Fresh off of celebrating 10 years of existence, Facebook introduced a landmark update this week. Users can now select from more than one gender. Facebook now allows selections of “male,” “female” and “it’s complicated.”

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You Missed It: Work in progress edition

Friday night hasn't even happened in the U.S. yet. Trippy.
Friday night hasn’t even happened in the U.S. yet. Trippy.

There were some big announcements from major companies this week. First, CVS announced that it will stop selling tobacco products later this year, then, Subway said it will stop making bread that has an ingredient in yoga mats. I don’t buy my cigars from CVS, so I don’t really care about that, but Subway’s announcement upsets me because I love the taste of a yoga mat. I can’t buy one myself because I’m a dude. But Subway’s flatbreads, which were even rolled up resemble a yoga mat, were my only outlet. If you were busy quitting The Tonight Show for the second time this week, odds are you missed it.

Russia is ready
In recent weeks, Winter Olympics host Russia has come under fire for not preparing Sochi for the games. Pictures have fired around the internet about bad water in hotels, incomplete construction everywhere, and friendly stray dogs roaming freely about the city. But Russia impressed the world today with the opening ceremony, which climaxed with all of the stray dogs being rounded up, brought into the arena and eaten, one by one, by a bear.

Permanent sealegs
This week, Salvadoran national Jose Alvarenga was discovered in the Marshall Islands after being adrift in the Pacific Ocean for 13 months. He ate fish and shark meat, and drank turtle blood. Friends have verified his story, and confirmed that he was once a trained guerrilla in El Salvador who was laying low after angering a drug cartel. Alvarenga said he is looking forward to getting back to doing ads for Dos Equis.

Yo, Joe!
The G.I. Joe doll (he’s not an action figure, those do things) turned 50 on Thursday. He’s seen action in every war sin Korea, fought against Cobra, and married Barbie countless times. Joe plans to retire once the VA gets around to processing his medical claims.

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You Missed It: Seasick edition

"I don't remember eating that."
“I don’t remember eating that.”

It’s finally here. The Super Bowl. It’s probably the best example of where American culture is, far more than those award shows. Everything’s America-tastic, from the National Anthem, to the commercials, to the crappy halftime shows, to the fact that only rich people can afford to go. Oh, and football is pretty American, too. This must be what the rest of the world feels like during one of those big soccer championship tournaments that seem to happen every five weeks. If you were busy abandoning your car on an Atlanta highway this week, odds are you missed it.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It’s was not a good week to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship, it was the norovirus. We imagine a sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, let’s hope the Bud Light cruise ship going to the Super Bowl is next.

State of Effusion
On Tuesday, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address, in which he laid out a bunch of things he wants to do this year, but Congress almost certainly won’t let him. He also threatened to veto any bill with provisions that could disrupt international talks with Iran regarding its nuclear program. Then he signed a bunch of things lawmakers handed him as he left the room. How does he know someone didn’t have him sign just such a bill?

The saddest rover in the solar system
China’s “Jade Rabbit” lunar rover had barely begun exploring the moon before it started having technical problems. The difficulties had to be put on hold when Chinese scientists put the rover in hibernation for the 14-day lunar night, and they’re not sure if it will wake up. Chinese media reported the rover actually saying before it was shut down, “If this journey must come to an early end, I am not afraid. Whether or not the repairs are successful, I believe even my malfunctions will provide my masters with valuable information and experience.” Just goes to show, you can’t spell “the moon” without “emo.”

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You Missed It: Ugly Canadian edition

Acquitted, bitches.
Acquitted, bitches.

It really sucks right now to be a sports fan. There’s no football to look forward to, and the Olympics aren’t here yet. Meanwhile, it’s cold and no one wants to go outside. There’s hockey and golf, but let’s be honest, in terms of popularity in the U.S., those rank just above lacrosse and soccer. In other words, if you’re watching them, you’re either a fanatic or a foreigner. Just one more week. If you were busy getting indicted for accepting bribes this week, odds are you missed it.

In case you’re not sick of this story already
This week, Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans.

Guy known for his mouth is handed a microphone
Richard Sherman also had tongues wagging this week. After his team defeated the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks corner did a 30-second interview with Erin Andrews where he boasted about his abilities. People said he was rude, they said racist things, then others said the racists were racists, and anyone who didn’t like the interview was a racist, too. In other words, we really just didn’t have a lot to talk about this week.

Women, control your libidos around the GOP
Women don’t want to be told what to do, right guys? Like they want to be told they can do whatever the men do and not be held down because they are the weaker gender, amiright? That’s essentially what former Arkansas Gov. Mick Huckabee said before the Republican National Committee this week, probably because there were no women in the room. He said, and this is true, that Democrats try to oppress women by telling them they just can’t control “their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government.” I guess if you’re a heartthrob like Huckabee, all you see are women who can’t control their libido.