Oh look, the New England Patriots are 3-0! I know you guys probably hate the Pats, but I get to gloat. You can either sit through it or scroll down. The NFL, led by the crybaby Colts, wanted to hurt the smug Patriots for a BS rule violation other quarterbacks say they break routinely, by suspending Tom Brady, the greatest of our time. Everyone thought that was going to handicap the season. And wouldn’t you know, they’re 75% of the way through the suspension and undefeated. They just blanked Houston and J.J. Watt, who found time between shooting commercials with Peyton Manning and Papa John to play some defense. This is fun. Are you guys having fun? I am. If you were busy posting that stupid “describe yourself in three characters” on Facebook this week, odds are you missed it.
Carlos Danger is bad at secrets
This week, Anthony Weiner, the one-man answer to the question “Is sex addiction really a thing?” got caught again. According to reports, this time he was sexting a 15-year-old girl. Just weeks after getting caught–again–and his wife filing for divorce, a high school girl said she has been carrying on a months-long sexting relationship with Weiner, 51. But I think everyone deserves a 16th chance, don’t you?
Let’s hop on the sponsored content train
A new study finds that smoking can damage your DNA for 30 years, and sometimes permanently. But really, if you’re smoking that much, aren’t those the same thing? That same news, sponsored by Phillip Morris: A new study finds that smoking is so cool, it injects coolness into your DNA–sometimes permanently. So light one up today, you’ll be cool inside and out.
Smith family broken
Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt this week. There, now you can tune out your girlfriend when she starts talking about it this weekend.
Can anyone tell me why we play the National Anthem before sporting events? It’s tradition at this point, but what was the thinking behind it, and when did it start? I bet some time around the beginning of the Cold War, MLB execs thought it would be good for marketing purposes, and every other sport followed. It’s not like we even apply it across the board. The PGA doesn’t play it at all. The NFL charges the military for it. Youth leagues don’t play it. They don’t even open sessions of Congress with it. We all just agree to sit through a minute or so of someone singing about a war we forgot, and we get mad if people don’t stand up or remove their hats while the song is played. If you were busy taking a knee this week, odds are you missed it.
Apple jacks jack
This week, Apple rolled out its latest line of new stuff, which included a new version of a watch no one is buying, and a new version of a smartphone, except without the audio jack everyone uses. Because Steve Jobs didn’t do the presentation, the bad idea was heavily criticized by tech bloggers and consumers alike. In an act of revenge Apple put another new U2 album in the iTunes libraries of every single critic.
Johnson, like rest of America, doesn’t know about Syria
Gary Johnson, the Libertarian presidential nominee and personification of every news article comment section rant, took his message to MSNBC this week, sitting down for a live interview on his ideas. When asked what he would do about Aleppo, asked, “What is Aleppo?” His response question not only cost him credibility points, it cost him $1,600 because he lost his wager on the Daily Double.
Tebow sent to baseball purgatory
The New York Mets signed failed NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to a contract with its minor league system. Because God can troll harder and better than anyone.
I’m pretty excited that preseason football is back — not because I watch it, but that it means real football is right around the corner. My wife and I have to spend a lot of time at home these days because we have a newborn. If it weren’t for the Olympics, there’d be nothing in the way of sports to watch. Late summer baseball is tedious, no one watches golf and NASCAR isn’t a sport. Preseason football is just as unwatchable as anything I just mentioned, but it means there’s hope, and that’s what we all need sometimes. If you were busy signing off of your Comedy Central show this week, odds are you missed it.
What Did Ryan Lochte Do?
This week, American swimmer Ryan Lochte, who probably sees Flea’s hair stylist, reported he and some teammates were robbed at gunpoint during a night out in Rio de Janeiro. Turns out he and his buddies, all of whom are adults, trashed a gas station and urinated all over the place when they weren’t allowed to use the restroom. The truth about the incident wasn’t known for days because of NBC’s tape delay.
Not always greener
According to a recent poll, things aren’t looking good for Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein. More Texas voters said they would vote for old favorite Deez Nuts. To be fair, they probably thought the pollsters asked if they would vote for Truck Nuts.
Russian ally out of power
Capping off several days of shake-ups, the Trump campaign announced that Paul Manafort would be stepping down as chairman. The guy has experience getting dictators in power, but couldn’t make it happen this one time. The next Trump campaign chairman? You guessed it: Ryan Lochte.
At some point, Star Wars fans need to admit to themselves that they like the Empire better. Most of the merchandise you see, and all of the memes people share, are about storm troopers or Darth Vader. Do we even know why the Empire is bad in the first place? All we (and by “we” I mean people who haven’t read the books, because we’re not nerds) really know is that the Empire is dealing with a rebellion has a thing for blowing up rebel planets. Seems pretty reasonable for an intergalactic war. If you were busy saying you didn’t say what you said about Second Amendment people this week, odds are you missed it.
Sexism is the newest event
The Olympics are a sporting tradition like no other. Once every four years, the world comes together act like it cares about swimming, gymnastics and women in sports in general. NBC took a fair amount of criticism for sexism from the commentators during its coverage of the first week of the summer games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. NBC apologized for any accidentally sexist comments, and insisted it has no problem with covering girls as they compete in their own separate but equal little events, but it’s going to be tough to keep from getting excited during the women’s trampoline competition, ya know?
Women continue to be in movies
This week, cast members of Ocean’s 8, an all-female remake of Ocean’s 11 (the good one) were announced. Meanwhile, all-female reboot of Ghostbusters is rumored to not be getting a sequel, following a loss of $70 million. I don’t know. I think they’re going to keep making these types of movies because they’re trying to reach an underrepresented audience and want to do a decent thing. Or they just realized they can pay actresses way less than men.
Concertgoer smokes weed
Malia Obama, the president’s oldest daughter, was seen in a video leaked to the media taking a drag of what appeared to be a marijuana joint while attending Lollapalooza in Chicago. People who took offense to this took to the internet to express their outrage, but then asked what a “Lollapalooza” is.
The 2016 Rio Olympics are finally here, and it’s going to be a literal s&%$ show. From the toxic water, to the incomplete facilities and the guest appearance of the Zika virus, this just isn’t looking good. Given what we’ve seen so far, I will be shocked if we don’t see some sort of major security or public health issue arise as a result of these games. Maybe we need to stop doing this, or just having them in the same place every time. If you were busy picking a fight with a baby this week, odds are you missed it.
Obama administration’s greatest accomplishment
This week, a bombshell of a story was released, finding that for the first time since 1979, the federal government’s dietary guidelines did not include flossing your teeth. The government acknowledged that there was no scientific evidence that flossing daily made a significant impact on one’s oral health. So that thing you never did in the first place? Keep on not doing it.
Dr. Moreau’s funding restored
The National Institutes of Health this week lifted its ban on funding experiments creating part-human, part-animal embryos. This is great news, because I was having a lot of trouble creating my army of centaurs with my own measly funds.
Virginia is for lovers of meth
The mayor of Fairfax, Virginia was arrested this week after authorities said he tried to give an undercover police officer methamphetamine in exchange for sex. That mayor’s name: Rob Ford.,
John Hinckley Jr., the guy who shot President Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster, is going to stay with his mother. People are outraged over this and I don’t understand it. The guy has been in psychiatric care for longer than I’ve been alive. Since 1981 he’s been under the constant care of doctors. Doctors are supposed to help people. Apparently he’s been helped enough that he can live with his mother, who has to be ancient, for her remaining years. Where are the mental health advocates on this? He hasn’t been convicted of any crime. Let him go home finally, and keep an eye on him. If you were busy making people forget about Jeremy Renner this week, odds are you missed it.
Woman up for man’s job
This week, the Democrats nominated Hillary Clinton for president–the first woman to ever get the nomination from a major party. So let that be a lesson to all you young ladies out there, if you work hard, believe in yourself, and have your friends rig the system, you too can run the country someday. It’s about time women caught on to the winning game plan white men have been using for thousands of years.
Olympic athletes greeted with rivers of poo
Athletes arriving in Rio de Janeiro for the Summer Olympics have reported sub-par living conditions in the Olympic village. The buildings are suffering from gas leaks, power outages, fires, mold and plumbing problems. The Australian committee called the buildings uninhabitable, and an Argentinian official suspected sabotage. Brazilian officials said the buildings are fine, and are meant to help the athletes feel like they’re really living in Rio.
Sesame spoiler alert
Sesame Street is losing three of its long-time cast members after 45 years. HBO revealed that Bob, Gordon and Luis will not be returning to the beloved children’s show. It was revealed that next season Bob will be eaten by dragons, Gordon will have his head exploded during a trial by combat, and Luis will be shot and stabbed during his own wedding.
For the past two weeks, Pokemon Go has been taking over the world. Players of all ages have been geeking out over the game. They have been invading social media with their constant posts about their finds, and invading private property and restricted access areas like military bases, prisons and hallowed graveyards. They got upset when people made fun of them, or complained they didn’t care about their posts. Folks, I’ll make you a deal: I won’t post about my imaginary football team this fall if you stop posting about make-believe animals you find with your smartphone. If you were busy copying off of someone else this week, odds are you missed it.
Fear and loathing in Cleveland
This week, the Republican National Convention was held in Cleveland — as if that city hasn’t seen enough hardship. The event had everything: a voting controversy, an ethics controversy, Rudy “I Was Mayor on 9/11” Giuliani yelling like he was at Wrestlemania, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, funny hats, chants about imprisoning opponents and Donald Trump yelling a speech about how everything is terrible but he will fix it. All the hard work Leni Riefenstahl put into the event really came though.
Kanye vs. Swift III
Taylor Swift found herself in the middle of a new controversy after Kim Kardashian posted video of Kanye West getting an OK on lyrics for his new song from Swift over the phone. She had previously denied she knew anything about her mention in the song. And because it’s a scandal, it’s only a matter of time until Hillary Clinton is involved somehow.
Something wacky in the water
Authorities in a small Colorado town warned residents to bathe or drink tap water this week after THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, was found in one of the town’s wells this week. To which the locals replied, “Dude, no drinking water? How are we supposed to get rid of this cotton mouth?”
I saw various people this week get upset about a report from employees that Facebook is biased against right-leaning news in its news feed thing. Here’s a question: who cares? Facebook isn’t a news source, as much as it would like to be. The stuff that pops up in its news sidebar are the least important news items out there in the first place. It’s just celebrities are TV news. How a free site chooses what is and isn’t newsworthy in its own judgment should have no impact on your life. The far-right seem to get their news via sharing memes, anyway. If you were busy waiting in the airport security line this week, odds are you missed it.
Gun auction misfires
Noted bigot and fashion critic George Zimmerman managed to crawl back into the headlines this week when he put up for auction the gun he used to murder teenager Trayvon Martin for being black and wearing a hoodie in 2012. Zimmerman said some of the proceeds would go to fight Black Lives Matter. However, the online auction kept getting derailed by activist bidders driving up the price, many of the bids came from a bidder named Racist McShootFace, which means Zimmerman needs to come up with a new name for the boat he’s going to buy.
Smokin’ in the bathroom that matches your gender identity
This week, the Obama administration released a letter of guidance to public schools to allow transgender students to use the bathrooms they are most comfortable with. North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory called on Congress and federal courts to defeat the guidance, saying that students should use the bathroom that matches the gender on their birth certificate. Because North Carolina has a rich history of making people use the bathrooms and water fountains according to certain physical characteristics.
1800s nearly forgotten
The death of the oldest living American this week means that Italian national Emma Morano is the last living person to have seen the 19th century. The 116-year-old was born in November of 1899. She credits her longevity, and this is true, to a daily glass of homemade brandy. So drink to Morano when you hoist one back this weekend. Who knows, maybe one say you’ll be lucky enough to have outlived your siblings, children and anyone else in the world who can relate to you in any way!
I’m surprised by how many people are complaining now that there are no good candidates to vote for in the presidential election. There never were. A year ago, there wasn’t a single candidate that got me excited. I don’t know what dream you people were chasing. From the outset, the most viable candidates on either side were seen as such purely for their last names. And now we can look back on that concern as quaint and innocent. There were never any good candidates, there are just fewer bad ones to choose from. If you were busy celebrating Cinco de Mayo this week, odds are you missed it.
We live in an alternate universe
This week, Donald Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee after Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the race, thus ending Carly Fiorina’s record-short vice presidential bid. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders said the Democratic National Convention will be contested … for some reason. It’s good to see that poor decision making doesn’t belong to one party, isn’t it?
A challenge American can handle
It was announced that the U.S. is in the midst of a cheese surplus. According to the Department of Agriculture, a glut of milk has lead to increased cheese production. At the same time, we’re importing a lot of cheese from Europe. Cheesemongers are flooding the market. So don’t be shocked if you start seeing cheese in exciting new products, like a cheese-stuffed burger, cheese-stuffed fries, or to capitalize on the breakfast food craze, cheese-stuffed pillows.
Drivers will have hands at 6 o’clock
Analysts said this week that self-driving cars will give occupants more free time than ever, and naturally, one of the top activities will be sex. Just imagine how different driver’s ed will be if these guys are right.
Somehow I’m more turned off by the Democratic primaries than I do the GOP race. I find the Republican race of more consequence and much, much cruder, but out of nowhere, the Dems and their supporters have become intolerable. This week alone we had Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton trying to out-New York each other. Nothing says “I’m in touch with real Americans” like a pissing match for the most self-important city in the U.S. Then there are your Facebook friends who post 18 things a day about how great Sanders is, and how THE MEDIA IS AGAINST US, MAN! The media are a bunch of outlets with no common agenda, other than entertaining you. Blaming your problems on them is like blaming your fart on the dog. If you were busy (finally) retiring from basketball this week, odds are you missed it.
Taking the law into his own hands
It was revealed this week that as Texas solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz penned a 76-page brief with the U.S. Court of Appeals defending a state ban on the sale of sex toys. He unsuccessfully argued that Americans have no legal right to stimulate their own genitals–no, really. Folks, if we have the right to bear arms, we certainly have the right to hairy palms.
Time to probe some aliens
A group of investors and scientists, including Mark Zuckerberg, Russian billionaire Yuri Milner and famed physicist Stephen Hawking this week announced an initiative to send a bunch of tiny probes to Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to Earth. The nanocraft would travel four light-years in about two decades. So let the record show that when the Centaurian War is over, we fired first.
Use of electronic devices is now permitted
This week, AMC Theaters floated an idea to allow cell phone use at certain designated shows, arguing that it would be more appealing to younger moviegoers. The proposal was met with such strong criticism that AMC announced a day later that it was killing the idea. To which younger moviegoers said, “We know, we saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.”