Category: You Missed It

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You Missed It: Dregs of the bottle edition

"Life's not worth it anymore!"
“Life’s not worth it anymore!”

It’s March Madness time again. It’s the time where everyone acts like they care about basketball, much less college basketball, and the nation looks the other way on illegal gambling. We have to act like we care about it, because for a few weeks, it’s everywhere. CBS has every single one of its networks airing as many games as possible, some of which feature commentary by Charles Barkley for some reason. All of this coverage, and the ad revenue it brings in, and not one cent for mental illness research. I call that a sham. If you were busy filling out a bracket this week, odds are you missed it.

Bag-o-wine: The silent killer
This week, a class-action lawsuit was filed against 30 California winemakers, the ones that make the cheap stuff your girlfriend and her drunk friends always get. They lawsuit claims that the cheap wines have more arsenic in them than should be fit for public consumption. So if you care about your health and your wallet, drink liquor.

A Schocking turn of events
This week, Rep. Aaron Schock, R-Ill., said he plans to resign from Congress amid a scandal involving improper funding for campaigns and travel, as well as failure to report gifts of money from donors. The FBI investigation is a black eye for what is otherwise seen as the incorruptible state of Illinois. Schock’s pending resignation also leaves Congress without its most rockingly-named member. That honor now falls to, you guessed it, Rep. Rodney P. Frelinghuysen, R-N.J.

Still better than Vegas Vacation
Actor and noted crazy person Randy Quaid posted his a new video online this week, his latest in a series of ranty videos from his hideout somewhere in Canada. In it, he rants about how Rupert Murdoch hasn’t thanked him properly for his work in Independence Day. He then has his wife put on a Murdoch mask and simulates having sex with her. What’s worse, is that it’s mostly the same stuff he and his wife have done in previous videos. Does anyone not see this story ending in a muder-suicide?

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You Missed It: Secret society edition

A bunch of white people in formal attire shouting bigotry. A little on-the-nose, don't you think, guys?
A bunch of white people in formal attire shouting bigotry. A little on-the-nose, don’t you think, guys?

So they’re working on a Zoolander 2. I guess that’s not a terrible thing, but I don’t get the excitement around it. Admittedly, I wasn’t a huge fan of the first one, “really dumb lead character does really dumb things” movies have never really done it for me, and I know I’m in the minority. What I don’t get isn’t the appeal of the first movie, it’s the appeal of a sequel coming out 15 years after the first. Fifteen! The movie is so old that we were watching TV ads for it before 9/11. Stop and think about how long ago that was. I hate to see something like this happen, because it’s a sure sign Ben Stiller is out of ideas. If you were busy quitting your new fashion humor show this week, odds are you missed it.

Left to chants
This week, a chapter of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at the University in Oklahoma got in trouble when a video of the group’s brothers doing a racist chant surfaced. The school kicked the frat out, and expelled at least two students in the video. But don’t worry, they were offered jobs with the Ferguson Police Department.

Giuliani hasn’t been keeping up with headlines lately
Former New York City Mayor and Guy Who’s Totally Not Running for President Rudy Giuliani has some advice for President Barack Obama. He said Obama should, and this is true, be more like Bill Cosby. You can find this insight and more in Giuliani’s new book, Date Rape Diplomacy.

Scientists still trying to figure out what they’re lacking
A new study has found that people look for someone they can have fun with when they are selecting a partner for a relationship. There you have it, if you’re alone, it’s because everyone thinks you’re no fun to be around.

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You Missed It: Engine failure edition

"Get off my plane--please, you're bending the wing."
“Get off my plane–please, you’re bending the wing.”

Sunday marks the beginning of Daylight Saving Time. Seems like it’s a little early this year, doesn’t it? I checked, and apparently it’s this time every year. But, like, winter’s not over. It hasn’t warmed up yet. It’s still snowing on the East Coast. How the hell are we supposed to set our clocks ahead so that we can have more daylight for farming? Seems like waiting for the ground to thaw would be prudent. If you were busy telling people off for making creepy comments about your daughter on Twitter this week, odds are you missed it.

Harrison Ford survives crash worthy of Harrison Ford
Actor Harrison Ford, 71, was injured on Thursday when he crashed his World War II training plane in California. The single-engine plane apparently had problems shortly after takeoff, and Ford tried to return to the landing strip. Doctors say the actor sustained a cut to his face, and broke his pelvis and ankle. He was praised for taking it down on a golf course, saving lives by missing homes nearby. But folks, he may have just saved us all from a Blade Runner sequel sure to tarnish the original.

Private secretary
This week, it was reported that while serving as secretary of state, Hillary Clinton used her personal email account for to conduct official business. The concern here is that the federal government doesn’t have control over her personal email address, so it can’t vouch for the security of those communications. She has since trotted out the campaign slogan, “Hillary 2016: I Only Use SnapChat Now.”

B like Mike
Forbes magazine this week published its annual list of billionaires, with Michael Jordan as the newest addition, even though it seems like he should’ve been on that list decades ago. Upon hearing the news, the few Atlantic City casinos still open issued Jordan a hearty congratulations and invited him to stay any time.

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You Missed It: Scientific advances edition

Guy's got game.
Guy’s got game.

The internet is many things. But I believe that decades from how historians will look back on it and just see it as “weird.” Take a look at what’s trending on Twitter on any given day and you’ll see. Yesterday was a two-fer. We had llamas on the run in Arizona, and a debate over the color of a dress. Machismo aside, I have no idea why people cared so much about that dress. I mean, at least the llama chase was fun to watch. There are countless optical illusions online, and this dress one went nuts for a day. Looks like it’s time to dust off the rights to Magic Eye. If you were busy legalizing marijuana this week, odds are you missed it.

‘The climate is changing … in my pants’
This week, Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (like you didn’t know that already), resigned amid sexual harassment claims. According to reports, Pachauri, 74, made unwelcome advances electronically toward several women. His go-to line: “Is the average temperature warming up from man-made causes in here, or is it just me?”

Bill Cosby is still touring for some reason
Embattled comedian Bill Cosby sent out a message to fans Friday before a performance in Louisiana. He thanked his fans for 53 years of their support, and said he couldn’t wait to see their smiling faces, and finished up his statement with, “Hey, Hey, Hey — I’m far from finished.” He then reminded his lady fans that his shows have a one-drink minimum.

Did the war even happen?
Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald found himself in trouble this week for lying about his service record. It was revealed that when he met a former special forces serviceman at an event supporting homeless people in Los Angeles, McDonald, an Army veteran, said he had served in special forces, too, when in fact he had not. McDonald apologized, and said he was actually with Brian Williams when his helicopter took fire.

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You Missed It: Endless winter edition

"I regret nothiiiiiing!"
“I regret nothiiiiiing!”

Does anyone know who the Oscars are for at this point? Who is the target audience? I’m all for a celebration of good films, but it seems like most of the movies nominated these days are ones few people actually saw. It’s probably my fault I didn’t see more than a couple of them this year, but come on, did anyone see The Theory of Everything for a reason other than it was destined to be nominated? This year, I’m just watching for the Samsung product placement stunts. If you were busy watching a terrible sit-com end this week, odds are you missed it.

Winter will not go quietly
This week, a cold snap hit much of the East Coast and eastern Midwest, breaking record lows all over and generally messing up people’s lives. Boston got even more snow, and the mayor had to issue a warning for residents to stop leaping from windows into snowdrifts, as it could cause serious injury. To which Bostonians replied, “We weren’t trying to survive the fall.”

Rock the mic like a burglar
Speaking of cold, washed up rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested and charged with burglary in Florida this week. Authorities say he was filming an episode of of his home renovation show on the DIY Network, and broke into the foreclosed home next door. Police say he stole furniture, bikes, a pool heater and other random things. It’s sad that in a society as progressive as our, there are still people intentionally going to jail just so they can get a meal, isn’t it?

Sticking up for an alleged rapist is honorable now
Comedian Norm Macdonald tweeted this week that fellow Saturday Night Live alumnus Eddie Murphy declined to do a Bill Cosby impression for the SNL 40th anniversary special on Sunday night. He said Murphy “will not kick a man when he is down.” Cosby, on the other hand, is happy to mount a woman when she is down.

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You Missed It: Drink to justice edition

The other justices ruled against waking her up in a 5-3 decision.
The other justices ruled against waking her up in a 5-3 decision.

There was a lot of buzz this week when Facebook said it will add a feature that will allow a person of your choosing to take over your account in the event of your death. Are we really that self-important that we want people to continue posting as us after we’re gone? The only thing that should be done to your Facebook account after you die is deactivation. I have friends on Facebook who died years ago. They still show up on my friends list, and even in my contacts on my phone. It’s creepy, and I’d unfriend them if it didn’t make me feel bad. If you were busy announcing you were stepping down the “The Daily Show”  this week, odds are you missed it.

Justice take a nap
If you thought that President Obama’s State of the Union speech in January was boring, you’re not alone. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg this week admitted that she wasn’t sober during the speech, which may have been why she dosed off, despite having a front row seat. She said she’d had some wine, and since the justices can’t stand up or clap like everyone else in the room, it gets kind of boring. Considering what science taught us this week, Ginsberg may be on the bench well into the next century.

Viral marketing?
Firefighters were called to actor Pierce Brosnan’s beachfront house near Los Angeles this week when a fire erupted in his garage. The fire lasted for more than half an hour. Man, Q is not going to be happy when he finds out what happened to the latest Bond cars.

50 shades of amateurs
The movie 50 Shades of Grey is out, and it’s having quite an effect on Western civilization. Branded merchandise like masks, handcuffs, and probably brands, can be found in the same aisles as children’s toothpaste, a U.K. hardware store chain is training its workers to be ready for an increase in sales on tape, rope and cable ties. And now, hospitals are bracing for a rise in sex injuries. A recent analysis of annual emergency visits in the U.S. collected by the Consumer Product Safety Division has found a spike (heh) in visits around when raunchy books come out, especially for foreign body removals. Have fun this weekend, everyone!

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You Missed It: Literary throwback edition

Since it's a sequel, you can expect a higher body count.
Since it’s a sequel, you can expect a higher body count.

This has got to be a weird time to live in Massachusetts. In the past two weeks, the Boston area got an entire season’s worth of snow, and it’s still shut down for the most part. On top of that, they’ve got the circus of the Aaron Hernandez murder case just getting underway, and the jury selection for the Boston Marathon bombing is happening. And let’s not forget about the New England Patriots winning the Super Bowl, and the parade through the snow-filled streets of Boston. If you were a shark dancing out of sync this week, odds are you missed it.

‘To Kill a Mockingbird 2,’ this time it’s personal
This week, it was announced that after the better part of a century, author Harper Lee will publish another novel. “Go Set a Watchman” was written before “To Kill a Mockingbird,” and is about Scout’s return home as an adult to visit her father. The book was never published, probably because the other book did so well, and we weren’t all sequel crazy back then. Rumor has it that it’s going to be a reboot of the beloved franchise, with an all-female cast, including Atticus Finch and Boo Radley.

Williams under fire for not being under fire
NBC News anchor Brian Williams apologized this week for his erroneous recounting of a helicopter flight early in the Iraq war in 2003. He said during an earlier broadcast that his helicopter had taken fire, and thanked one of the soldiers who kept him safe on that flight. As it turns out, his helicopter was never shot at, much less hit, leaving many to doubt his accounts of anything. It was also discovered that his daughter, Allison Williams, cannot, in fact, fly.

Women wet whistles with whiskey
According to a recent report, vodka sales are slumping here in the U.S. two years in a row, and it’s probably because more women and drinking whiskey instead. This is great news for gender equality. After all, a woman should be able to ramble on about how her life is a disappointment, just like a man.

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You Missed It: Bowing out edition

Like so many Americans hit hard by poor economic conditions, Mitt Romney hasn't held a job in years.
Like so many Americans hit hard by poor economic conditions, Mitt Romney hasn’t held a job in years.

It snowed on Monday, and people were mad about it. They weren’t mad that they were inconvenienced, they were mad that they didn’t get as much snow as predicted. And by “they,” I mean New Yorkers. It was huge national news this week that people who live in one metropolitan area were upset they didn’t really get snowed in. They expected the rest of the nation to care. I don’t understand New York. If you were busy stonewalling the media all week long, odds are you missed it.

Third time isn’t the charm
After months of speculation Mitt Romney said he will not run for president again. Romney said it was time for him to stand aside and let someone else have a try. Also, he didn’t like the idea of living in such a small mansion. That means the GOP field will likely have Jeb Bush, running on the platform of “My last name is Bush;” Chris Christie, a noted Cowboys fan; or Rand Paul, who hangs out with neo-Confederates and says crazy things. See you in 2016, guys!

Time to get the carpet cleaned
This week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow gave some advice for the ladies out there that doctors don’t recommend: steam cleaning your vagina. She said on her website, grossly named GOOP, that she goes to a spa in Santa Monica to get a special herbal steam treatment on her lady bits. She said it’s “an energetic release–not just a steam douche–that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.” You know, I wasn’t that hungry, anyway.

Radio nowhere
Scientists announced this week that they captured in real time a radio signal burst from unknown origins deep in space. Researchers insist that the signal was caused by some kind of natural source, and that there was no message in the burst. But I think we all know that it was Casey Kasem getting on Heaven’s airwaves.

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You Missed It: Close shave edition

It's taken me years, but I finally found an excuse to post this.
It’s taken me years, but I finally found an excuse to post this.

People are all freaked out today that the company that owns SkyMall is filing for bankruptcy protection. I find this pretty baffling. First, because “filing for bankruptcy protection” isn’t a synonym for “going out of business.” Secondly, because it’s like not catalogs or any other form of printed periodicals have done very well in the last 15 years. And finally, have you every bought any of the junk they peddle? That’s why they’re hurting for cash. If you were busy making comebacks at lawmakers this week, odds are you missed it.

King Tut gets a makeover
This week, it was announced that the beard of King Tut’s famed golden burial mask was broken off and reattached with epoxy during cleaning sometime last year. The job was clearly rushed, and used the wrong type of adhesive was used. There’s now a gap between Tut’s chin and his beard, and Egyptian Museum officials worry some of the damage is permanent. To be fair, he’s been sporting the same look for over 3,000 years. It’s about time it was updated.

Debategate
The New England Patriots are going to the Super Bowl, but the media needs something to talk about to fill the two weeks until the big game. Enter the Indianapolis Colts. The team complained that the Patriots were using footballs that were underinflated, a violation of the rules, and a subsequent investigation found 11 of 12 Patriots balls weren’t filled to regulation minimums. Sports media, known for being level-headed, have called for coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady to be suspended from the Super Bowl over rule about ball inflation that no one has ever cared about. The balls have been suspended for two games.

Company foolishly picks fight with Liam Neeson
This week, actor Liam Neeson was criticized for his comments about guns in the U.S., which is to say that he said anything about them. Neeson said that gun culture here has gotten out of hand, and that there are too many guns in America. Coming from a guy who’s been in a few action movies, this can sound a little odd, but reasonable. Still, PARA USA, the gun supplier for Taken 3, has called for a boycott of the new movie. This is where the firearm debate has led us: a man who glorifies guns in his movies says guns are glorified, and the gun industry, which suffers from a persecution complex anyway, tells people not to go see a movie that glorifies guns because the guy who glorifies them says guns are glorified.

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You Missed It: Black and white films edition

It wasn't just blacks, greens and yellows were also snubbed.
It wasn’t just blacks, greens and yellows were also snubbed.

I’m not a huge fan of winter, since I’m not a kid, but this is my favorite time of winter. The hangover from the holidays is past, it’s too early to think about Valentine’s Day and it’s cold outside. The fact that it’s cold isn’t the good part, it’s that you don’t have to feel bad for not going outside, and no one really wants to be social right now, either. You can just sit inside, drink, and do whatever else you like to do while drinking. If you were busy considering a run for president this week, odds are you missed it.

Young people who don’t watch award shows upset
This week, the nominees for the Academy Awards were announced, and Twitter was all, well, atwitter with the news. Mostly, people were upset that all 20 of the nominees for acting awards are white, the third time it’s happened since 1998. Highlighting their point was the fact that “Selma” was all but shut out of the nominations. But everyone eventually moved on because a woman said a nominee’s name was “Dick Poop.”

Penn State gets back to looking the other way
Under a proposed agreement with the NCAA Penn State’s football team’s vacated wins from 1998 to 2011 will be reinstated, making Joe Paterno once again the winningest coach. For those of you keeping score at home, the punishment for molesting children is 30 years minimum in prison, and the punishment for allowing a sexual predator to molest dozens of children for decades by systematically sweeping problems under the rug is acting like you didn’t win some games for a little over two years.

OMGOP
Earlier this month, the new, Republican-controlled Congress began its first session, vowing to end gridlock on the Hill and show that the GOP can govern. House Speaker John Boehner today posted 12 GIFs of Taylor Swift in a snarky response to President Barack Obama’s plan for two free years of community college. When did Boehner hire BuzzFeed as his press secretary?