You Missed It: When someone asks you if you’re a god you say ‘YES’ edition
Posted on September 5, 2008
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Hello there, friend. How have you been? It seems like so long since last we talked. We missed you so much and we can’t wait to tell you all about the past week, because, well, you missed it.
I ain’t afraid of no guts
When last we saw them, Vladimir Putin Vigo the Carpathian had been vanquished back to the depths of hell, thanks to some great work by the Statue of Liberty and the assistance of the Ghostbusters. Now, Variety confirms, the boys are strapping on their proton packs after nearly 20 years. Sure, they may have packed on a few pounds, gone gray or even had mid-life crises (we’d include one about Ernie Hudson, but that’s just mean), but they are back for a third installment. Why? Because bustin’ makes them feel good. Also look forward to another Godfather installment.
Hottest grandmother ever?
The world got their first look at Republican candidate Sarah Palin on Thursday, but earlier in the week it was her daughter who was making headlines. Yes, 17 year-old Bristol Palin is pregnant by her super cute 18 year-old boyfriend hockey player. The couple said they had already talked about getting married, but the idea has come along farther since he slipped one past the goalie.
The Russkies strike
Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf coast this week. Causing a lot of damage (and surfacing of fond memories) in New Orleans and elsewhere along the coast. So far, the exact toll of damage is unknown. The good news is that evacuees are safe and sound, because the aid FEMA had promised since Katrina just arrived last week.
Chrome sweet Chrome
Google went with a surprise release of its new Web browser, Chrome, this week. The browser is gear to work for more complicated web sites featuring Java, movies or other heavy duty page content. This is why you can’t click on links in Facebook. Thanks, Google!
You Missed It: Really long speeches edition
Posted on August 29, 2008
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Alright, this one’s going to be brief. It’s Labor Day weekend getaway time, and most of you probably aren’t even reading this today. If you’re busy stuck in traffic today, odds are you missed it.
When the phone rings at 3 a.m. …
As promised, Sen. Barack Obama let his supporters know his pick for vice president first. The news that he had picked Sen. Joe Biden was sent out via text message before he announced it publicly. The decision meant he passed over former Sen. John Edwards AND his mistress. Supporters woke up to the sound of their phones beeping, then grumbled when they saw it was something that could wait until morning.
You are the weakest candidate, good bye
Not be outdone, Sen. John McCain’s campaign took a reality show-style approach to its VP prick process. Every day one name seemed to be eliminated, adding to the suspense as to who would be voted off next. One by one, they got whittled down until the announcement this morning that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was given the final rose by McCain. Palin is a former Miss Alaska beauty pageant contestant, and her rise to fame has already created a new term: VPILF.
You Missed It: Skinny dip edition
Posted on August 22, 2008
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As the summer winds down, people are getting out of dodge earlier and earlier (take me last week, for example). If you were busy this week counting the number of houses you own, odds are you missed it.
Fay not going away
Cuba and some other Caribbean islands got hit by Tropical Storm Fay this week and it was no big deal. It’s just a puny tropical storm, right? Wrong. Fay has been manhandling Florida (including the panhandle) for several days now, dropping amounts of rain better measured in feet than inches and causing tons of flooding. The good news in all this: the state is now back to its original form, as a huge swamp.
Jamaican Bolt-led team
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt has run three races, won three gold medals and broken three world records–a feat which has never been done before. Analysts credit the runner’s long legs and speedy last name as natural reasons why he is so much faster than everyone else. Bolt’s next event is Showboating, which will air tonight.
Not Phelps’ Beard
In other Olympic news, U.S. swimmer Amanda Beard caused a stir this week when she said she would never date fellow Olympian Michael Phelps. Beard said (aside from the fact that he is really goofy looking), “Ewww, that is so nasty! … Come on, I have really good taste.” When one thinks good taste, one thinks of Beard. That’s why she posed nude for Playboy and unveiled a nude anti-fur ad at the Olympics.
Doesn’t “Obama-Kaine” sound like a prescription drug?
The nation is in a frenzy over who presumptive Democratic candidate Barack Obama will choose as his runningmate. Some say Jo Biden, some say Hillary Clinton, others say Tim Kaine. Obama is expected to announce his decision today, and he had better, otherwise television news channels will have to go cover the war or something. In one of his many houses John McCain is wondering why no one cares about his VP pick.
You Missed It: Eights are wild edition
Posted on August 8, 2008
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It’s Friday. More than that, it’s an 8/8/08 Friday. Does that mean something special to you? It should, because it’s the last time we are going to see all three date categories matching up until 9/9/09, and we all know that is way too far in the future to comprehend. Anyway, if you were busy airing fake political ads this week, odds are you missed it.
Lucius Fox will not drive the Batmobile anytime soon
Actor Morgan Freeman and his wife’s friend were involved in a car accident in Mississippi. Reportedly, Freeman was driving at night and the car left the road, flipping into a ditch. He had surgery and was released, but it turns out he and his wife are getting divorced. It just so happens Freeman has been rumored to have a mistress that was one of his wife’s friends. Draw your own conclusions on the cause of the accident, if you know what we mean. Freeman’s accident is the latest in a series of mishaps and tragedies that have befallen the cast of The Dark Knight. First Heath Ledger’s death, then Christian Bale’s assault charges, then Maggie Gyllenhaal’s droopy face.
The Olympics are seeing red
Today marks the first day of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This means that we can expect a great deal of sports coverage on television for the next couple weeks. Security is said to be very tight at the event, so that means all the athletes have to worry about is smog, SARS and possible jail time for even saying the word “Tibet.”
Georgia on Russia’s mind
In a military operation totally not planned to happen the same day as the beginning of the Olympics, because that would just too conveniently take the world’s eye off the ball for a little while, Russia has invaded Georgia, making it the first time since General William T. Sherman in 1864 that an invading force has–wait, I’m being told there is more than one Georgia. Apparently there is one in Asia, too. Russia says next it will invade New Jersey, the one in Asia.
Packers send Favre packing
Brett Favre (pronounced FAV-ree) has been traded by the Green Bay Packers to the New York Jets this week after being reinstated in the NFL and a drama that has been going on since the end of last season and Favre’s (supposed) retirement. Favre is clearly going through the classic mid-life crisis, where a man looks around at his life, at his NFL records, his Super Bowl rings and his piles of money and asks himself “Is this really all there is?”
You Missed It: Hit and run edition
Posted on July 25, 2008
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What can I say? It’s Friday in late July and everyone seems to be going on vacation. In fact, I will be on vacation next week, so yes, I will miss it. However, if you were too busy being courted by the Minnesota Vikings, then odds are you missed it.
Novak no-stop
Spy-outer and Politico pundit Robert Novak made headlines this week for something, but this time it wasn’t something he wrote. While driving in Washington, D.C., Novak hit an 86-year old homeless man and his car did not stop until a block or two later, when a witness on a bicycle flagged him down. The witness said the man rolled across Novak’s hood. Novak told reporters he did not see the homeless man, mostly because he was lost daydreaming about the redecorating efforts of cavernous lair.
Named storm comes to shore
Hurricane Dolly became the first named storm of the 2008 season to hit the U.S. when it made landfall near Brownsville, Texas. Surprisingly enough, the media seemed to miss the obvious “Hello, Dolly” puns waiting to be made. This blog would never stoop to such a level–wait, we just did.
Obama campaigns abroad
In an obvious effort to combat an image of inexperience in foreign policy, Sen. Barack Obama went on a tour this week of the Middle East and Europe. Stops included Israel, Germany and France. Obama has reported ended each speech with, “I want to improve U.S. relations with foreign countries, and that’s why I want all of you to vote for me!”
Look at the pretty colors
NASA announced this week that its THEMIS (Time History of Events and Macroscale Interactions during Substorms) mission has discovered that the Northern Lights are caused by the stressed magentosphere snapping into a new shape. The space agency said it picked the mission because everyone there had been taught in middle school what caused the lights, but could not quite remember what it was.
You Missed It: Unsung hero edition
Posted on July 18, 2008
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We find ourselves here again, at the end of five consecutive work days in a row. For many, this is a cause for celebration. The Guys have no Friday plans in celebration of the end of the week. However, if you are playing in the British Open this week, odds are you missed it.
King of Beers regime change
Anheuser-Busch stockholders and executives approved a $52 billion offer from Belgian-owned brewer-giant InBev on Monday. This prompted concerns of damage to national pride and Americana across the U.S., meanwhile, Budweiser drinkers everywhere asked “What’s a Belgium?”
Insert Smashmouth song title here
Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton put on a clinic in the first round of the MLB Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium, hitting a record 28 long balls, some of which have not yet landed. However, he did not come up with the win in the final round–hey, did you hear he was hooked on drugs until he got cleaned up? The following night’s All-Star game lasted an estimated eternity before the American League won in the 15th when the Minnesota Twins’ Justin Morneau scored on a sac fly. By the way, Morneau won the home run derby.
Great time to buy a home
The federal government is going to bail out colossal mortgage lender FannieMae and Freddie Mac, after an announcement this week. See, this all started when the mortgage market, the housing market and so on starting slowing down and people started defaulting …. Sorry, we dosed off there for a second.
Can anyone stop this abomination?
Miley Cyrus said this week she wants to do a new show that would be along the lines of “Sex and the City,” but cleaner and aimed at children and teens. Right, because four female something-teens, each with their own huge Manhattan apartments, giggling over boys and what’s happening to their bodies while sipping flavored water really holds appeal.
You Missed It: Aw nuts edition
Posted on July 11, 2008
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One again, we find ourselves at the end of the work week. For those of you who missed us last Friday (and we know you didn’t), fear not, we have returned once more. If you were too busy watching your mortgage company go under this week, odds are you missed it.
The ‘G’ stands for ‘green’
Leaders met in Japan this week for the Group of Eight summit in order to talk about important things that only the really, really important nations care about. One of the biggest decisions to come out of the summit was the agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions in half by 2050. After the leaders agreed, they all had a big laugh and swirled the ice cubes in their scotch.
You’re out
Yankee All-Star Alex Rodriguez’s wife filed for divorce this week. Something about how he has been caught cheating on her numerous times while she has been taking care of the kids. Happy to hear the announcement are ladies across the country and teammate Derek Jeter.
Don’t sugar coat it, Reverend
Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized this week for remarks he made about Sen. Barack Obama that were recorded accidentally into an open microphone after an interview. Jackson said, “See, Barack’s been talking down to black people … I want to cut his nuts off.” An extra Secret Service agent has been posted to guard Obama’s crotch around the clock.
High school has changed so much since I was there
A new study shows that for the first time since 1991, U.S. teen pregnancy rates are rising. No one seems to have a clear reason for the sudden increase, but point to high-profile teen pregnancies this that of Jamie Lynn Spears, 17, and the girls of Gloucester High School as possible influences. We here at SG have no idea what or who could be responsible for it.
You Missed It: Sidearm edition
Posted on June 27, 2008
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It is Friday, the last one we will see in June–at least for this year. Yours truly will be heading up to New York City very soon. If you were getting drafted by the NBA this week, odds are you missed it.
Fire shots in celebration
In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Washington, D.C. handgun law this week, saying it was against the Second Amendment, which guarantees the right to bear arms. Perhaps the most unusual part of the majority opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, who said the court interprets it as “the right to bust a cap in some punk’s ass.”
Down with the Dow
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped more than 350 points on Thursday, making it the second worst day of the year. Some blame the fact that oil hit $140 per barrel for the first time, others on the weakening dollar, but we know it was really caused by the news that Heather Locklear entered a mental hospital that day.
Wonder how long until .xxx shows up?
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, or ICANN, opened up the Internet’s dot-something realm this week when it decided a whole slew of new domain names can now be possible. ICANN said Arabic, Chinese and other languages can have their own .something address now. In fact, entire words can now be made for .something addresses, including .something. So get ready for SeriouslyGuys.funnynewsblogsite!
Author knighted
Author Salman Rushie was knighted by the Queen of England on Wednesday. Rushdie is best known for his controversial book “The Satanic Verses.” So for all of you Muslims out there, it’s Sir Salman Rushie you want to kill.
You Missed It: Join hands and sing edition
Posted on June 20, 2008
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Following a tradition going on for at least 15 years, Thursday was once again followed by Friday. That means we have reached the end of the week once again. If you were busy getting booed by protesters in the U.K., odds are you missed it.
Oui are in control
French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced on Tuesday that France would take a command role in North Atlantic Treaty Organization for the first time in 40 years. France left the command position in the 1960s after policy disagreements with the U.S. The reintroduction of France to NATO command means that the allied countries now have another military option in their repertoire: immediate surrender.
Cease in the Middle East
Israeli and Palestinian forces began a six-month truce this week and guns fell silent for the first time since anyone can clearly remember. The truce has been hailed as a sign of progress with peace efforts in the Middle East. Both sides said they were inspired to agree to a truce after watching You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.
Wait, there aren’t any lakes in L.A.?
After a six games, the Boston Celtics defeated the Los Angeles Lakers to win the (NBA) World Championship. The final game of the series was a blow out, but nonetheless, the postgame interviews were priceless. The best of all was the interview with Kevin Garnett, who told ESPN’s Michelle Tafoya “Michelle, you look great tonight, girl,” in between incoherent answers, shouts into the air and admitting that he is indeed “certifiable.” We are now more afraid of Garnett more than we were of Ron Artest.
Finally, a superhero movie this summer
Will Smith’s latest effort, Hancock, premiered in London earlier this week, but it is not scheduled to be released into theaters until July 2. Not much is known about the plot from the commercials, but SG has learned it is a biopic about founding father John Hancock and is seen as a cinematic response to HBO’s mini-series John Adams. In the movie, Smith portrays Hancock as a black, homeless, drunk superhero who is jaded by society but has the power to sign his name in really large letters.
You Missed It: Insatiable appetite edition
Posted on June 13, 2008
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Welcome to Friday. Though the summer may be coming on strong, oppressively strong in some areas, the news is not slowing a bit this week. If you live anywhere near the Mississippi River, odds are you missed it.
Maybe Obama will choose you
Though the race between Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton ended only a week ago, the news media wanted more. Since the results were announced, Obama has been hounded by reporters left and right asking who he will choose to run on the ticket with him. Earlier this week, Obama asked the media to cool it with the veep talk, saying during a press conference, “Look at the ball! Look at the ball! You want the ball? Yeah? Go get it! Go get that ball!”
The Incarcerated Hulk
Terry Bollea, better known as Mrs. Hulk Hogan, is half of what is shaping up to be the most exciting celebrity divorce of the year. Bollea wants Hogan jailed for not paying his share of payments on a condo in Las Vegas the couple had bought when they were not on the verge of ending things. The Hulk’s camped fired back that she is dating a teenager. There’s no punchline, not even a funny rant about wrestling or American Gladiators. It’s all true.
They’re still good for throwing at comedians
The Centers for Disease Control said this week that a total of 228 cases of illness have been reported in the U.S. as a result of salmonella-carrying tomatoes. In response to this, restaurants across the country have been pulling tomatoes from their dishes in the interest of public safety. See, Mom? I don’t have to eat my vegetables.
‘Wuts up, cndy pnts?’
Jim Gibbons, the Governor of Nevada, apologized Wednesday for sending around 860 text messages to a woman not his soon to be ex-wife on a state-owned cell phone. But Gibbons stopped short of calling the text messages “love letters.” Gibbons told the media, “I’m an old man, I don’t know how to write flowery love letters on this contraption. Besides, time is short, I keep my texts quick and dirty.”