You Missed It: Space monkey edition

I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.

The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.

More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.

Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!

You Missed It: Pre-recorded edition

Obama talked about the need for renewable energy, equal pay for women, gun control, supporting democracy around the world and reforming the tax code.
Obama talked about the need for renewable energy, equal pay for women, gun control, supporting democracy around the world and reforming the tax code.

For a lot of the East Coast, it’s snowing. Like, right now. Everyone gets excited when it snows, whether or not it’s warranted. I bet snow has some sort of complex, like the most popular guy in high school. Just showing up is a cause for celebration. People wear hail because it can really hurt, so it would be the big dumb kid, and sleet would be the smaller, mouthier friend, because it doesn’t do much at all. Rain, well, rain would have to be quiet, weird kid. No one gets excited about it, most try to avoid it, and yet it’s perfect for writing depressing poetry. If you were busy raging against U.N. sanctions on your country this week, odds are you missed it.

This inauguration was dubbed over
This week, President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched.

25 years after ‘G.I. Jane’
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta surprised the country when he announced that the military will now let service women have combat roles. They’ve been in supporting roles, but not part of outright fighting mission. For those keeping score at home, the Obama administration is now taking guns out of our hands and putting them into womens’.

Simply the Swiss
Tina Turner announced this week that she is renouncing her U.S. citizenship to become a full-time Swiss person (Swissian?). One Swiss paper has even reported that the government there has already approved her request. This is clearly another case of the world messing with Switzerland because everyone knows they won’t declare war.

You Missed It: Tour de Falsehoods edition

"You see, Oprah, Manti Te'o lied to get ahead in his athletic career. What a shameful thing to do."
“You see, Oprah, Manti Te’o lied to get ahead in his athletic career. What a shameful thing to do.”

As I understand it, the rest of the country is experiencing winter. Heck, even in Alabama they’re getting snow. That’s not the case in D.C. The only think we’re getting here are tourists getting a feel for the city ahead of the inauguration on Monday. And like the political party national conventions last year, it’s also a great for the stripper/ escort services. Some want to get the inaugural balls off early. If you were busy putting out fires on your plane this week, odds are you missed it.

Spinning quite the yarn
Recently, Lance Armstrong sat down the Oprah to answer over 100 questions about his doping and winning seven Tour de Frances (Tours de France?) in an interview that aired Thursday on some channel she owns. Armstrong admitted to doping for years, including all those Frenchie wins. He explained how sorry he was for–wait–a Notre Dame football player had a fake girlfriend? Let’s watch that.

Say goodbye to chafing
Denim jeans were invented back in the 1800s for miners, cowboys and other tough Western folk who needed pants that wouldn’t rip in the middle of their job. Also, cowboys in khakis were notoriously mocked when they walked into a saloon. Since the arrival of jeans, they have been mercilessly dehydrating the legs of mankind. Finally, we have a solution. A European company called Denim Spa now offers jeans that hydrate your skin. The pants come with apricot kernel oil, passion fruit oil, rosehip oil, shea butter and monoi de Tahiti woven into the fabric. Take that, people of Darfur!

Creepy just got easier
Facebook debuted a new feature it’s still testing called “Graph Search.” Mark Zuckerberg said it’s one of the coolest things they have done in a while. It will be able to search all things Facebook to answer your more complicated queries. So, rather than having Google search for “underage girls,” you can hop on Facebook and search for “slutty looking girls who turn 18 in less than a year.”

You Missed It: Painting the future edition

Will, this is what you're going to wake up next to in about 15 years--assuming Kate lets herself go and starts smoking.
Will, this is what you’re going to wake up next to in about 15 years–assuming Kate lets herself go and starts smoking.

Another week is in the books, but this one was a little different, because the Oscar nominees were announced this week, and it got everyone talking. That’s surprising, considering no one watches the actual award ceremony anymore. It doesn’t matter who is hosting, who is winning, or even what awards are being awarded, award shows just don’t appeal to people under 40 anymore. Yet everyone has an opinion on the nominees. If you were busy getting snubbed this week, odds are you missed it.

A royal mess

This week, the first official painting of Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, was revealed to the public. And it got bad reviews. It’s not often that someone has a painting of themselves commissioned, but when they do, one assumes they want it to look like them. Instead, the royals got a glimpse at an older, heavier, bigger-nosed Kate. This is why the Windsors should just do Instragram from now on.

Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 is … no one. After no candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. This seems like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.

Defending the right to reload less frequently
The National Rifle Association announced that it has received over 100,000 new members in the 19 days since the Sandy Hook, N.J., shooting, which left 20 children and six adults dead at the hands of a crazed man armed with assault weapons. Many believe the surge in membership has been fueled by President Barack Obama’s pledge to bring about new gun control legislation. These people seem to have far too much faith in the federal government being able to accomplish something.

You Missed It: Cliffhanger edition

Congress also forgot to save that town from the flood.

We made it into 2013. We survived the hangovers on New Year’s Day, but there’s one hangover we’re not over yet: the holiday hangover. After weeks of everything everywhere telling us that we are in the midst of a special time of year, it’s just over. We have to go back to regular schedules and act like we’re not special anymore. What’s worse is that it’s January, which means it’s cold and miserable, and you’re probably getting over an illness you picked up from a party. If you were busy announcing you’re going to ESPN after your retirement, odds are you missed it.

Happy fiscal cliff!
This week, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Close the door, have a seat
It was a bloodbath at the end of the NFL regular season. As soon as the games were over, seven teams took no time in letting their coaches go. In fact, Andy Reid was actually fired before the Philadelphia Eagles’ final game, but he coached anyway, which is kind of a metaphor for the team’s entire season. But don’t feel bad, kids. Reid just signed with the Kansas City Chiefs. He’s going from cheese steaks to ribs!

Al-Jazeera Gore
Qatari news network Al-Jazeera announced the purchase of Current TV, a left-leaning channel formed in part by former Vice President Al Gore. “I always knew the Democrats were on the side of the terrorists,” said every crazy person with Internet access.

You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

It's how I do my thinking.
It’s how I do my thinking.

Oh, hello there. I’m just here sitting back in my smoking jacket and enjoying a nice whiskey on the rocks (my third). You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about 2012. It really sucked, didn’t it? Stop and think about it for a minute, did anything good happen this year to anyone but Psy? Not really. However, it certainly was a wild, memorable ride. Perhaps it was the looming threat of the end of the world. It could be the heavy buzz I’ve got going, but I feel like looking back on the biggest stories of this year. Grab a drink and join me, won’t you?


Swingin’ Gingrich
Marianne Gingrich made her ex-husband, Newt, look even worse by dropping the bombshell that he wanted to have an open marriage. Apparently this is worse than asking your wife for a divorce when she’s recovering from cancer treatments in the hospital. Mitt Romney didn’t see what the big deal is–you can have more than one wife, right?

Also, they battle Hitler
In a story that can only end well, scientists in New York made “supersoldier” ants. I’m not really sure why this was so important to do, but now there are ants with really large heads. Their heads are so large that they are able to block the entrances to their nest when it comes under attack. Also, they do this really cool shield-throwing trick.

Equal time rule
A year away from inauguration day, and President Barack Obama was out on the campaign trail. He was raising funds, and he’d do just about anything for your money. At The Apollo, he noted that Rev. Al Green was in the audience, and did his own version of “Let’s Stay Together,” well a few bars of it, anyway. And he’s got the chops for it, too. The American public got to hear his pipes more along the campaign trail when he sang “Red Solo Cup” in Missouri. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2012 edition

You Missed It: Backfire edition

"I've asked Batman here to personally train all of the volunteers."
“I’ve asked Batman here to personally train the volunteers.”

So, when’s the next Doomsday estimate? Does anyone know? For a couple years now, it’s been one after another. We had the crazy guy with the church (which could be said for pretty much any End of Days prediction, really), saying the world was going to end two different times. Today, we proved the Mayans wrong. At some point, waiting for the world to end turns into wanting the world to end. If you were raptured this week, odds are you missed it.

A cop on every corner
Exactly one week after 26 people, including 20 elementary-school students, were murdered at the hands of a crazed shooter with legally-acquired assault weapons, the NRA broke its silence. The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre blamed the media, video games, movies, music videos, natural disasters, the Obama administration and more as the cause of the shooting. But not guns. The group called for an armed police officer to be assigned to every school in the U.S., and if funding can’t be found, have armed volunteers patrol instead. Because the only thing that can keep an armed stranger from roaming the halls of our schools is an armed stranger roaming the halls of our schools.

The long, strange lives of Olympians
Olympians may live longer than the average human because they lead active lifestyles, according to a study released this week. In unrelated news, The Smoking Gun found that former Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton has been making money lately as an escort in Las Vegas, charging $600 an hour. Favor Hamilton said she looks forward to outliving her coworkers.

Person of the Year: The Year
TIME named President Barack Obama its person of the year, the second time he has won the honor. Obama beat out the Higgs Boson. After naming “the protester” the person of 2011, I’m just glad that the venerable magazine remembered to give the award to a specific person, rather than a group of persons, or you know, a theoretical particle.

You Missed It: Fill-in edition

It’s not easy to write something like this on a day like today. When terrible tragedies happen, the last thing you want to do is crack jokes about the news. Something unthinkable happened today, and it’s right to stop and think and feel. But it’s also OK to remember that this isn’t how things always are. There’s a lot of good that happens every day, and that’s what we all need to remember. Perhaps this may help in the slightest amount. If you were busy beginning an unexpected journey this week, odds are you missed it.

Sgt. Pepper’s aging grunge club band
On Wednesday, some of the biggest acts for white people over 50 turned out to for a concert benefiting Sandy relief efforts. The Who, the Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, Bon Jovi and more all got together for the show, but one of the most unusual acts came in the form of Nirvana–with Paul McCartney filling in for Kurt Cobain, who was unable to make the event. OK, Mayans, I see your point.

Mail, Dr. Jones
How long does it take Indiana Jones’ fan base to forgive him for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Apparently, just four years. Someone is sending Dr. Henry Jones Jr. mail at the University of Chicago, where he once “studied.” Pictures, hand-crafted journals, newspaper clippings, airline tickets and more were delivered to the university in an envelope complete with fake Egyptian stamps of the period. If you’re reading this, mystery sender, feel free to send me the hat and whip for safe keeping. I promise to only use them on adventures.

‘Hey, let’s crash stuff into the moon!’
For about a year, NASA has had two spacecraft, Ebb and Flow, orbiting the moon on a mapping mission. Now that their mission is complete, it’s time to power them down and dispose of them. NASA plans to crash them into the moon’s north pole. Because, you know, even rocket scientists like seeing things explode.

You Missed It: Al fresco edition

A good portion of this post has been written with my pupils dilated. I went to the eye doctor this afternoon, like a fool, and they did this to me. Now I can’t see anything closer than six feet away, so the typos are in here to make it interesting. Also, I have the light sensitivity of a character in Twilight. Wait–are those the vampires that are just peachy with sunlight? Never mind. It’s like a hangover, except without the memories from the night before to make the pain worthwhile. If you are the greatest quarterback ever to play football and you just welcomed your third child this week, odds are you missed it.

Stop feeling warm and fuzzy
New York is where dreams come true, but it’s also a place where dreams are trounced mercilessly. Remember last week when that tourist posted a picture of a NYPD officer buying a homeless guy some boots? Turns out he’s not actually homeless. He’s actually got an apartment, in the city. However, the man said he has taken to panhandling because he really needs a new table to complete his breakfast nook.

The pigeon’s natural enemy: the catfish
This week, a scientific study was published which found that a species of European catfish have learned to attack and eat pigeons as they sip water from rivers. Like killer whales going after seals, these catfish, which can grow up to 5 feet long (!), close in on their prey before snatching them from dry land and dragging them underwater. In future news, European catfish claim their first human victim.

Take the money
Publisher Random House had an exceptionally good year for sales, which many attribute to the huge success of 50 Shades of Grey. In celebration, the company is giving all of its secretaries a $5,000 bonus. But you know they’re just going to blow it all on ball gags and Ben-Wa balls.

You Missed It: Party’s over edition

Can we call it quits with “Gangam Style” already? South Korean rapper Psy seems to be everywhere these days, and really, his pop song got old before Halloween. White people just like any song that has a simple dance tacked to it. By now, he should be releasing his follow-up love ballad or something. Did anyone really think that the next M.C. Hammer would be Korean? If you were busy losing the Powerball jackpot this week, odds are you missed it.

Partying too hard for the feds
Andrew W.K., who once said, “Partying is our best hope for world peace,” was going to be a U.S. cultural ambassador to Bahrain. All of the coordination with the State Department, the flights were booked, it was a done deal. And then State pulled the plug without giving a reason, thereby canceling the party. Bahrain will have to find ways to break their noses on their own. Thanks, Obama.

Meeting a second time
The Disney Channel announced this week that it will be launching a spin-off of the popular 1990s show Boy Meets World, which aired on ABC from 1993 to 2000. They have even gotten Ben Savage and Daniel Fishel, the show’s main couple, to reprise their roles. According to the reports, the show will be called Girl Meets World and focus on Cory and Topanga Matthews’ 13-year-old daughter, as she tries to come to grips with the fact that Mr. Feeny will never leave her family alone.

Lisa Frank is from the DPRK
This week, North Korea discovered unicorns. OK, well they didn’t find the unicorns themselves, but they did find where the unicorns once lived. According to a report from North Korea’s official news agency, researchers have found the lair of the unicorn ridden by King Tongmyong, who reigned a couple centuries before Christ. They figured it out because the words “Unicorn Liar” are etched on the cave. Between this and Kim Jong Un being named The Onion’s sexiest man alive, North Korea’s having a pretty big week.