Category: You Missed It

Hey, so how about CIA Director David Petraeus having an affair with his mistress, huh? Did you hear about that? That’s right, you heard about it all week. Internet memes about it have already lived and died. So there’s nothing more to really say about it. Man, I miss 1997. We had months of material! If you were busy film UFOs over Denver that really just look like out-of-focus birds this week, odds are you missed it.

Hostess has a shorter shelf like than its products
Yesterday, Hostess threatened to liquidate its assets and close up shop if an ongoing labor strike wasn’t resolved by midnight. This morning, Hostess announced it’s going out of business, and likely taking down its adored snack foods with it. Pro tip: This Thanksgiving, stuff your turkey will Twinkie filling you won at the Hostess auction.

Government shoved down your throat
The cabal that runs the People’s Republic of Los Angeles has decided to endorse meatless Mondays. While no criminal fines will be given and no city ordinances passed, the city is encouraging its citizens to pledge not to eat meat on Mondays, in an effort to change their diets. How the hell do they expect a man to survive Meatless Monday if there aren’t any Ding-Dongs to live off of?

Let’s go to 14
The cover of the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour 14 depicts both the game’s namesake and gold legend and beverage entrepreneur Arnold Palmer. The cover features both golfers at the top of their game: Arnie from the 1960s, and Tiger from when he was banging everything in sight.

Apparently some guys on motorcycles rode into a London mall and stole some jewelry from a single store. They were out in under two minutes. This may sound like it could happen anywhere in America where there are action movie lovers, but this one’s all British, because the robbers were armed with axes and knives. Here in American we have the constitutional right to rob people at gunpoint. If you were busy saying you are moving to Canada this week, odds are you missed it.

Political ads drop off the charts
On Tuesday, America re-elected President Barack Obama by a slightly wider margin that some expected. If there’s one thing we learned from not just from the presidential election, it’s that this country has a very deep ideological split. On the one hand, we support decriminalizing marijuana and letting gays marry, but on the other hand, we like our porn with condoms, goggles, dental dams and rubber gloves.

The storm was worth it
Brooklyn residents haven’t had a lot to cheer about, what with the flooding and lack of electricity and all. But things were looking up for a few coastal residents when a marina bar ended up in the middle of the street two miles away, its wares intact. There’s no punchline here, just a tinge of flood envy.

Just in time for cold season
A study by scientists at the National Health Research Institutes in Taiwan found that methamphetamine fights influenza in humans. The only side effect: being addicted to meth.

One day, I’ll be able to tell my grandchildren that I once used a “computer” for all of my information gathering and regurgitating. With the rise of tablet and the launch of the newest version of Windows, I thought back this week to my college computer. It was a Dell desktop and ran Windows ME. (XP wasn’t out for another few weeks.) The mouse it came with didn’t have a wheel on it, and the monitor wasn’t flat. This was only 11 years ago, and it seems as outdated as floppy disk. By the time my grandchildren show up, it will sound as ancient as the printing press. If you were busy wrapping up your campaigns this week, odds are you missed it.

Sandy in more than one sense
Hurricane Sandy transformed into a super storm and barreled into the Mid-Atlantic and Northeast, as forecasters had been saying for days. New York was flooded, but perhaps worst-hit was New Jersey, where coastal areas from along the shore were devastated by record-breaking flood levels. Piers and boardwalks collapsed, while some houses were simply washed away. The history books will one day say this was the worst thing to happen to the tanning booth industry since melanoma.

Leia is now one of the Disney princesses
This week it was announced that Walt Disney Co. would buy Lucasfilm for a cool $4 billion. On top of that, a seventh Star Wars movie is slated to come out in 2015, with two more in the years to follow. The acquisition has brought both praise and criticism from geeks. Personally, since Disney has acquired Marvel Comics and Jim Henson Co., I’m looking forward to seeing how the Muppets and Avengers helped the Rebels win and restore balance to the Force.

Wake the f%$& up
Just a couple weeks after Tom Hanks dropped the F-bomb live on Good Morning America, Aerosmith wanted to prove they still had it on Today. First, Steven Tyler forgot what show he was on, calling it Good Morning America, then he dropped the F-bomb talking to the crowd outside while Al Roker did the weather. Man, NBC will do anything to get back to the #1 spot.

Is it really still hurricane season? Half the Eastern Seaboard is bracing for Hurricane Sandy, which is supposed to hit sometime Sunday evening and not go away for a couple days. Also, apparently it’s supposed to hook west–something mankind has never seen in the 100+ years we’ve tracked these things. There has to be a bitchin’ Halloween costume in there somewhere. If you were busy installing the newest version of Windows this week, odds are you missed it.

Go to Valhalla, already
Remember how they rebooted the Conan the [Job Title] movies last year? Well forget about that–the old ways are best. Fresh off his book tour, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 65, is in talks with Universal to do another movie, following the original ones from the 1980s. This time, Conan is an aging warrior king looking for one last battle, and hopefully wearing a bit larger of a loincloth. The working title of the movie is Conan the Moneygrabber.

Have I told you lately how I did drugs?
Rod Stewart didn’t do enough cocaine to burn a hole in part of his nose, but his bandmate did in the 1970s, so they decided to try a different method for taking the drug. Stewart said that though he was only a social user of the drug, he and bandmate Ronnie Wood took cocaine as a suppository for a while. You know, because people who aren’t addicted typically drift toward shoving their drug of choice up their butts.

And in Canadian news …
After failing to reach an agreement with the players union, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announced this week that games through the end of November will be canceled. In other news, the competition in amateur men’s leagues just got a lot tougher.

The Internet is a harsh place. On one hand, there are thousands of young women out there who seem to take interest in us, seemingly for free, and then there are the critics of anyone on the national stage. The latter is where Internet memes come from, and they are one of the reasons I wake up every day. But we’re getting to the point where memes have a lifespan of hours, not even days. I was getting tired of the “binders full of women” jokes inside of 48 hours. Maybe one of these debates will be on Thursday night so I can be at the next meme’s height. If you were busy getting swept in the American League Championship Series this week, odds are you missed it.

The flames are bigger in Texas
Big Tex was a fixture at Texas State Fairs. For 60 years, the mechanical, 52-foot cowboy greeted fairgoers with a smile, pointing to the entrance all the while. But this year, Tex decided to end the fair with a bang. In the waning days of the fair this week, Tex caught fire and burned down to his metal frame. Fire marshals are leaning toward electricity as the cause, but it seems pretty obvious it was a pre-election self-immolation.

Never give Tom Hanks a microphone
Morning news/ talk shows have a decent following these days (thanks, unemployment!), but they can seem a little dull for the average adult viewer who is accustomed to the dirter, bloodier and louder programming fare offered nightly. But Tom Hanks is out to change that. During an interview for his new movie Cloud Atlas, Hanks was goaded into some method acting of one of his characters live on Good Morning America. And then he dropped the F-bomb. Is it sweeps week or something?

Didn’t Doc and Marty do this back in 1885?
This week, an Amtrak train in a test run hit 111 mph along a track somewhere between Chicago and St. Louis. Regardless, it still managed to show up two hours late.

We’re only a few weeks away from the election, and things are heating up, or at least that’s what they keep telling us day after day after day. If you live in a battleground state, you know what I mean. It’s impossible to go anywhere or do much of anything without being assaulted by political ads. They are on the radio, on television, on billboards and in newspapers. At this point, no one’s going to change their mind based on 30 seconds of propaganda, yet the assault continues. If you were busy showing off your muscles this week, odds are you missed it.

The old man vs. Mr. Handsome
Last night, Vice President Joe Biden and Rep. Paul Ryan squared off in their only debate. Ryan came out polished and practiced, and Biden came out fiery and belligerent. Everyone was waiting for Biden to make some gaffe that would end up being replayed and spoofed online, but it never happened. However, pulling the old joy buzzer trick when he shook hands with Ryan was pretty entertaining.

The sexiest disease
People are panicked over the recent deadly outbreak of meningitis, which turns out was caused by some tainted medicine. Florida Gov. Rick Scott told worried Floridians to go to the state Department of Health’s website, or calling their toll-free number. He then read off a number, only thing is, it was the wrong one. Rather than getting information on meningitis, and this is true, callers got a phone sex line, with a female voice greeting with, “Hello boys, thank you for calling me on my anniversary.”

Heaven needs a Mongo
Former NFL defensive tackle and actor Alex Karras died this week at the age of 77. Karras, who was best known for his roles in the television show Webster and the movie Blazing Saddles, died of stomach cancer, among other ailments. So long, friend. Say hello to Gene Wilder for us.

It seems like there are a bunch of old show reunions going on all of a sudden, and I don’t recall asking for them, either. The cast of Full House (sans the Olsens) reunited recently, because, as it turns out, they have a lot of free time these days. And this week we heard from the mother of Lark Voorheis, who played Lisa Tuttle on Saved By the Bell, is bi-polar. The actress denies it, but you never know which one’s talking. If you were busy debuting your new Bond movie song this week, odds are you missed it.

Made possible by federal support and viewers like you
This week, President Barack Obama and Republican candidate Mitt Romney met for the first presidential debate, during which, Romney went on the offensive and even showed signs of a personality. At one point, he said that as much as he loves Big Bird, as president he would cut federal funding to PBS. Not even the threat of losing his job awoke moderator Jim Lehrer from his nap.

Cat fight
Apparently, Maria Carey and Nicki Minaj are both judges onAmerican Idol this season, and they are not getting along. The two have been arguing recently, and Carey even beefed up her security after Minaj allegedly said she was going to shoot her. The tussle began over something I just don’t care enough to research.

They keep taking and taking
Why do people keep making the mistake of messing with Liam Neeson? Taken 2 is out this weekend, and this time  it’s personal, although I guess it was personal last time, too. Once again, Neeson’s daughter gets taken by Albanians, but this time, his ex-wife is taken, too. Plot twist! We all pretty much know how this one is going to end, and it’s that there are going to be a lot of dead bad guys and a slightly bloodied Neeson, and the family will be saved. I don’t care if it’s the same thing as the first one, I just like that there’s a movie franchise where the badass’ name is “Bryan.”

Apparently today is Drink A Beer Day, or as we call it around here, “Friday.” This is the first I’ve ever heard of this holiday, but I like it. It’s simple and to the point. Its name even tells you how to celebrate. I’m going to guess that all you do is buy a beer and a card and mail them both to your Drink A Beerentine with a note that says you love them as much as beer, then you drink the beer. Correct? If you were busy fasting for Mitt Romney this week, odds are you missed it.

Back in stripes
The NFL and the referees’ union came to an agreement this week in time for Thursday’s game. The need for real refs was highlighted during the Monday night game, where a bad call led to the Seattle Seahawks walking away with a victory over the Green Bay Packers and a growing outrage among coaches, players and fans. The news is best for the Lingerie Football League, which will finally get back its officiating crews.

Confirmed bachelor
Recently a gospel of Jesus written in the second century came to light. It was only a fragment, and mentions that Jesus had a wife who could be his disciple. This week, an editorial in a Vatican newspaper said that the texts are probably fake. The forgery argument centered around the line, “He gathered His disciples and said, ‘What do you guys think about that Honey Boo Boo show?'”

There’s a new element in town
Japanese scientists created a new element this week, one that has 113 protons. It’s temporarily called “ununtrium,” meaning “one-one-three.” It is only a matter of time before they figure out a way to incorporate it into their robot-armor-schoolgirl-outfit-wearing cartoons.

Fall will be upon us in hours, and that means changing leaves and crappy movies. But most importantly, it means that it is acceptable to drink fall beers. I don’t like how beer companies large and small try to rush us through the seasons by putting out their new brews weeks early, and that goes for Oktoberfest-style and pumpkin beers. Alcohol may make time go by faster, but it doesn’t trick me into thinking it’s another season. If you were busy getting busted in Texas for possession of hash this week, odds are you missed it.

Remember when an affair was the country’s biggest problem?
It was 1998 when we all learned that President Bill Clinton had been hooking up with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Today, Lewinsky is 39 and doesn’t have a job or many friends because of the stigma of the scandal. So she’s decided to cash-in and write a tell-all book about her time being the president’s humidor. Booksellers say Lewinsky’s book could make millions of dollars in 1999.

Long lines for a longer phone
The iPhone 5 hit shelves today, and as is tradition, people with money to burn and a lot of free time on their hands lined up outside stores across the country to be the first to get the newest intelligent cellular telephone. Unfortunately, none of them were able to find their way home after glitches in Apple map app directed them into the Atlantic Ocean.

The gloves come off for Mittens
A video released this week of Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney shot at a May fundraising event sparked controversy over remarks made about the 47% of Americans who rely on the federal government, which he said will never vote for him. He also made reference to “those people,” but since it was a Hispanic Mormon from both Michigan and Massachusetts, no one’s really sure which minority group he was referring to.

So … Friday, huh? Got any awesome weekend plans? Yeah? That sounds cool. Hope you have a great time with that. Me? I’m going to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band! I’ve been a fan since I was a kid, and one by one in the past 10 years, members of my family were able to see him, while I got the shaft, or got shut out of the online ticket ordering. But not this time. Barring some horrible accident, I will be rocking with Bruce tonight. If you were busy ogling the new iPhone this week, odds are you missed it.

The last Big Gulp
The People’s Communist Paradise of New York City has been enacting a lot of health regulations lately: phasing out trans fats, reducing sodium by 25% and eliminating outdoor smoking except for prostitutes. Now, Chairman Michael Bloomberg has banned the sale of sugary beverages over 16 oz. Fortunately, it only applies to non-alcoholic drinks, so vendors, put a nip in those Big Gulps and let’s go back to business as usual, shall we? Or you could just drink straight liquor.

Flame-grilled chicken
In what is being called the most negative reaction to a trailer since John Carter, Muslim extremists throughout Asia and the Middle East stormed U.S. embassies and consulates to protest a movie depicting the prophet Muhammed in an unflattering way and depicting him in the first place. A KFC was also set on fire in Tripoli, Lebanon, because depictions of the colonel Sanders are also frowned upon by some.

Free money!
Los Angeles loves a good car chase, and it’s amazing that this trend hasn’t caught on in other American cities. This week, citizens watched for over 90 minutes as police chased suspected bank thieves as they barreled and weaved their way on Southern California freeways and side streets. At one point the suspects threw money out of the car, causing crowds to form. Great, like L.A. needs one more cause for traffic jams.