You Missed It: Sidearm edition
Posted on June 27, 2008
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It is Friday, the last one we will see in June–at least for this year. Yours truly will be heading up to New York City very soon. If you were getting drafted by the NBA this week, odds are you missed it.
Fire shots in celebration
In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Washington, D.C. handgun law this week, saying it was against the Second Amendment, which guarantees the right to bear arms. Perhaps the most unusual part of the majority opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, who said the court interprets it as “the right to bust a cap in some punk’s ass.”
Down with the Dow
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped more than 350 points on Thursday, making it the second worst day of the year. Some blame the fact that oil hit $140 per barrel for the first time, others on the weakening dollar, but we know it was really caused by the news that Heather Locklear entered a mental hospital that day.
Wonder how long until .xxx shows up?
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, or ICANN, opened up the Internet’s dot-something realm this week when it decided a whole slew of new domain names can now be possible. ICANN said Arabic, Chinese and other languages can have their own .something address now. In fact, entire words can now be made for .something addresses, including .something. So get ready for SeriouslyGuys.funnynewsblogsite!
Author knighted
Author Salman Rushie was knighted by the Queen of England on Wednesday. Rushdie is best known for his controversial book “The Satanic Verses.” So for all of you Muslims out there, it’s Sir Salman Rushie you want to kill.
You Missed It: Join hands and sing edition
Posted on June 20, 2008
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Following a tradition going on for at least 15 years, Thursday was once again followed by Friday. That means we have reached the end of the week once again. If you were busy getting booed by protesters in the U.K., odds are you missed it.
Oui are in control
French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced on Tuesday that France would take a command role in North Atlantic Treaty Organization for the first time in 40 years. France left the command position in the 1960s after policy disagreements with the U.S. The reintroduction of France to NATO command means that the allied countries now have another military option in their repertoire: immediate surrender.
Cease in the Middle East
Israeli and Palestinian forces began a six-month truce this week and guns fell silent for the first time since anyone can clearly remember. The truce has been hailed as a sign of progress with peace efforts in the Middle East. Both sides said they were inspired to agree to a truce after watching You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.
Wait, there aren’t any lakes in L.A.?
After a six games, the Boston Celtics defeated the Los Angeles Lakers to win the (NBA) World Championship. The final game of the series was a blow out, but nonetheless, the postgame interviews were priceless. The best of all was the interview with Kevin Garnett, who told ESPN’s Michelle Tafoya “Michelle, you look great tonight, girl,” in between incoherent answers, shouts into the air and admitting that he is indeed “certifiable.” We are now more afraid of Garnett more than we were of Ron Artest.
Finally, a superhero movie this summer
Will Smith’s latest effort, Hancock, premiered in London earlier this week, but it is not scheduled to be released into theaters until July 2. Not much is known about the plot from the commercials, but SG has learned it is a biopic about founding father John Hancock and is seen as a cinematic response to HBO’s mini-series John Adams. In the movie, Smith portrays Hancock as a black, homeless, drunk superhero who is jaded by society but has the power to sign his name in really large letters.
You Missed It: Insatiable appetite edition
Posted on June 13, 2008
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Welcome to Friday. Though the summer may be coming on strong, oppressively strong in some areas, the news is not slowing a bit this week. If you live anywhere near the Mississippi River, odds are you missed it.
Maybe Obama will choose you
Though the race between Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton ended only a week ago, the news media wanted more. Since the results were announced, Obama has been hounded by reporters left and right asking who he will choose to run on the ticket with him. Earlier this week, Obama asked the media to cool it with the veep talk, saying during a press conference, “Look at the ball! Look at the ball! You want the ball? Yeah? Go get it! Go get that ball!”
The Incarcerated Hulk
Terry Bollea, better known as Mrs. Hulk Hogan, is half of what is shaping up to be the most exciting celebrity divorce of the year. Bollea wants Hogan jailed for not paying his share of payments on a condo in Las Vegas the couple had bought when they were not on the verge of ending things. The Hulk’s camped fired back that she is dating a teenager. There’s no punchline, not even a funny rant about wrestling or American Gladiators. It’s all true.
They’re still good for throwing at comedians
The Centers for Disease Control said this week that a total of 228 cases of illness have been reported in the U.S. as a result of salmonella-carrying tomatoes. In response to this, restaurants across the country have been pulling tomatoes from their dishes in the interest of public safety. See, Mom? I don’t have to eat my vegetables.
‘Wuts up, cndy pnts?’
Jim Gibbons, the Governor of Nevada, apologized Wednesday for sending around 860 text messages to a woman not his soon to be ex-wife on a state-owned cell phone. But Gibbons stopped short of calling the text messages “love letters.” Gibbons told the media, “I’m an old man, I don’t know how to write flowery love letters on this contraption. Besides, time is short, I keep my texts quick and dirty.”
You Missed It: You know how they go edition
Posted on June 6, 2008
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It’s a beautiful day for most of the country? Why? Because it’s a Friday and there aren’t many tornadoes touching down across the Lower 48. If you were busy winning the Stanley Cup this week, odds are you missed it.
International Space Rest Station
Astronauts aboard the space shuttle Discovery this week took to space for many important missions, the most important to those already up there was the fixing of the bathroom on the International Space Station. The Discovery crew became the first space plumbers when they fixed the toilet with one giant plunge for mankind.
Terrorist trials
Two members of Al Qaeda on trial this week told a military judge they wish to be matryrs. One of the men, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, said after that picture of him being captured with his hair are mussed up looking like he just woke up, he was so embarassed he wanted to die.
Obama wins Democratic nomination
Sen. Barack Obama, in the final week of primary elections, claimed victory over Sen. Hillary Clinton, who conceded the race much later. The Obama camp was all smiles after Tuesday’s results. Also all smiles? The citizens of Montana and South Dakota, because their votes actually mattered in a primary.
‘Star Trek’ wedding
George Takei is getting married to his boyfriend soon, any it is said to be a small wedding. Takei said recently that he was not sure if his former “Star Trek” cast members will be invited. William Shatner was shocked, because they are having a “Trek” wedding in Vegas.
You Missed It: We’ll all float on edition
Posted on May 30, 2008
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Welcome to the end of May. Coincidentally, it also happens to be yours truly’s birthday. Please, hold your applause. If you were busy landing on another planet this week, odds are you missed it.
Balloon designed to float really high does so
French skydiver Michael Fournier was probably a little frustrated when he watched his balloon float away with his hopes of breaking a record on Tuesday. He had planned to break the world record for highest skydive, but then the balloon came untethered and floated away accidentally before Fournier could even get in, much less jump. France promptly surrendered.
Pressed secretary
Former Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan released a book this week that raised some eyebrows in Washington. McClellan said national security advisers in the Bush administration served the president very poorly leading up to and going into the war in Iraq. He charges the administration of spinning important intelligence and intentionally leaking classified information. These and other revelations can be found in McClellan’s book, Things I Probably Should Have Told You Five Years Ago.
‘Nsync creator now ‘Njail
Ron Perlman, former manager of 90s boy bands ‘Nsync and the Backstreet Boys, was sentenced to 25 years in a federal prison, after being convicted of conspiracy, money laundering and other charges. Prosecutors said he swindled more than $200 million from investors through his business, which began in the 80s. Noticeably missing from the list of charges: crimes against humanity for getting those stupid songs stuck in our heads for years.
Undiscovered tribe found in Brazil
An “uncontacted tribe” was found and photographed by helicopter in a remote part of the Amazon rain forest. The Indians are pictured looking in confusion at the aircraft and even pointing bows and arrows at it. A nonprofit group said there are around 100 uncontacted tribes worldwide. The photographers celebrated the find by dropping iPhones, teen magazines and smallpox down to the natives.
You Missed It: Home movies edition
Posted on May 23, 2008
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It’s getaway day right before Memorial Day weekend. Is anyone reading this? We cannot hear you, so we will just assume that you are indeed paying attention and move along with the feature. If you were out battling Soviet agents in an archaeological quest, odds are you missed it.
No-hitter in Beantown
On Monday, Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester threw a no-hitter against the Kansas City Royals in front of a home crowd. It was catcher Jason Varitek’s fourth no-hitter, a new MLB record. Lester, 24, has now beaten cancer, won a World Series and pitched a no-hitter. Major League Baseball announced they will investigate him for use of illegal substances.
Kennedy diagnosed with a brain tumor
On Tuesday, Sen. Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a brain tumor after having a seizure over the weekend. It was announced he will begin chemotherapy and other treatments very soon. Kennedy left the hospital in Massachusetts he had been staying at after doctors let him go. While much remains uncertain about Kennedy’s future, but doctors said the tumor should not affect his driving abilities.
R. Kelly in court, not closet
Jurors were ordered Tuesday to watch a 25-minute long tape allegedly showing R. Kelly involved in several sexual acts with a 13-year-old girl. After the tape was shown, the judge called for a 10-minute recess and everyone rushed to the bathrooms.
‘American Idol’ ends season
After a season of consistently low ratings, American Idol snagged 31.7 million viewers for its finale–a million more than this time last year. This season, David Cook took the honors with his singing talents that were better than the other guy’s. No, we didn’t watch it, either.
You Missed It: CANNES!!! edition
Posted on May 16, 2008
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Sen. Hillary Clinton handily defeated Sen. Barack Obama in the West Virginia primary earlier this week. Pushing the primaries on, and on, and on, and on. So if you were like John Edwards and endorsing Obama, odds are you missed it.
Black, stork to the stars
Jack Black made unintended headlines this week at the Cannes Film Festival this week when he spilled the beans that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, better known as “Angelad,” are expecting twins. There is no word yet as to which baby will be the perfect of the two and a mortal god-off is scheduled with the unborn fruit of Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan. Meanwhile, no one is paying attention to Kung Fu Panda.
Earthquakes rock China
A Richter 7.9 earthquake hit central China earlier this week, and strong aftershocks have been hitting the region off and on since then. The quakes have caused thousands of deaths and left thousands more homeless. A dam was critically damaged by the tremblor but has been fixed by the military. Who else is looking forward to the Beijing Olympics this summer?
President heads to the Middle East
Fresh off his daughter’s weekend wedding, President George Bush headed to Israel this week to celebrate the country’s 60th anniversary and the peace that has fallen over the region since then. Bush then stopped off in Saudi Arabia to talk oil production with the Saudi royals. When Bush told King Abdullah he had just come from Israel, the monarch replied, “I’m sorry, where? I don’t recognize the name.”
Same sex marriage in California
On Thursday, the California Supreme Court struck down a state ban on same sex marriage, saying it was unconstitutional to keep people from marrying based on gender, just as it is with race. Same sex marriage supporters gathered outside the courthouse to hear the news and called the ruling “fabulous.”
You Missed It: Father knows best edition
Posted on May 2, 2008
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In case you had not heard from any of the estimated 800,000 news media reports, the economy seems to be heading toward the crapper, if it’s not already there. So if you were busy joining in on the run on the banks, odds are you missed it.
Vienna incest uncovered
On Sunday, the story broke that Josef Fritzl, 73, had fathered seven children with his daughter, after allegedly keeping her and her children held hostage for more than 20 years. Friztl was arrested and the daughter and her children are seeing therapists. Strange sex practices? Holding young women against their will? Law enforcement splitting up families? And they say Europeans are so different from Americans.
The newest ‘Grant Theft Auto’
Grant Theft Auto IV began shipping this week to people who pre-ordered it. Copies of the game quickly sold out in stores and record first-week sales numbers are expected. The game is receiving rave reviews from critics across the board. Also excited about the game’s early success: politicians running for office and looking for the next great witch hunt.
D.C. Madam now deceased madam
Deborah Jeane Palfrey, better known as the D.C. Madam, hanged herself in a shed next to her mother’s house in Florida. Reports indicate Palfrey had planned suicide before going to prison long in advance. There is no doubt many federal officials are crying their eyes out this week now that the D.C. Madam has gone to that big bordello in the sky.
Record high disapproval ratings
A CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll released Thursday shows that 71 percent of Americans disapprove of President George Bush–higher than any other president in modern history. After hearing the poll numbers, Bush made a statement acknowledging the poor showing and reminded the Americans that there was still a chance they could be invited to Jenna Bush’s wedding if they change their minds.
You Missed It: Rhymes with ‘punt’ edition
Posted on April 25, 2008
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Hey, Illinois, what’s shaking? Sorry, earthquake jokes are only a few shades better than flood/hurricane jokes. If you were in an area affected by a natural disaster this week, odds are you missed it.
Pennsylvania Primaries
Sen. Hillary Clinton gained a bit of momentum as she won the Pennsylvania Democratic primary election, defeating Sen. Barack Obama by more than ten percentage points. The Clinton camp and the news media were overjoyed by the news, while Obama and the rest of the U.S. groaned at the thought of having to go through with this crap for several more months.
Cindy McCain on ‘The View’
Wife of likely Republican presidential nominee Cindy McCain appeared on ABC’s “The View” Monday to dispel rumors that her husband, Sen. John McCain, has anger issues. She said voters should not be worried about an angry man in the White House with his finger on the trigger because he only uses the C-bomb on her when he has to.
‘Blade’ behind bars
Actor Wesley Snipes was convicted of not filing his taxes and sentenced to three years in prison. When reached for comment, Snipes said he regretted hiring Willie Nelson as his accountant.
Detectives acquitted
Three NYPD detectives were acquitted Friday of shooting a man outside of a strip club a few hours before his wedding. Over 50 bullets were fired by police. Finally, law enforcement officers have received a fair trial in the shooting death of an unarmed black man.
You Missed It: Blame it on the grain edition
Posted on April 18, 2008
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It’s Friday afternoon once again. For those of you who are out enjoying the nice weather in most parts of the country–well, you are not reading this anyway, so we will just stop right there.
Grain Price Riots
Earlier this week, the price of most grains skyrocketed because of scarcity and other grain-related reasons. Riots broke out among the hungry in many third world countries, most notably Haiti. The panic was beginning to hit the American South when it was finally realized the grain shortage would not affect the price of grain alcohol.
Pope Visits D.C.
This week, Pope Benedict XVI made his first trip to the U.S., starting off with a three-day tour of Washington, D.C., part of which was his birthday. The 81-year-old virgin celebrated a Mass en masse at the brand new Nationals Park, home of the Washington Nationals. The Pope was lauded for his big entrance when warm up music started playing and the announcer came on: “And now, the right-hander hailing from Vatican City, number 16 in your programs but number one in the Church, His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI!”
Long Baseball Game
The Colorado Rockies may have worn out their welcome as the San Diego Padres hosted them for a night game April 17. The game ended up lasting 22 innings, falling four innings shy of a league record. The game ended after 3 a.m. local time on April 18. Many players complained that their drug dealers were already in bed at that hour.
‘Sims’ Hits Milestone
Video game The Sims hit 100 million sales this week, the milestone being hailed by critics as a sign of the franchise’s endurance in the gaming world. The critics then ducked their heads back down again to continue beefing up their World of Warcraft characters for battle.