You Missed It: Home movies edition

It’s getaway day right before Memorial Day weekend. Is anyone reading this? We cannot hear you, so we will just assume that you are indeed paying attention and move along with the feature. If you were out battling Soviet agents in an archaeological quest, odds are you missed it.

No-hitter in Beantown
On Monday, Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester threw a no-hitter against the Kansas City Royals in front of a home crowd. It was catcher Jason Varitek’s fourth no-hitter, a new MLB record. Lester, 24, has now beaten cancer, won a World Series and pitched a no-hitter. Major League Baseball announced they will investigate him for use of illegal substances.

Kennedy diagnosed with a brain tumor
On Tuesday, Sen. Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a brain tumor after having a seizure over the weekend. It was announced he will begin chemotherapy and other treatments very soon. Kennedy left the hospital in Massachusetts he had been staying at after doctors let him go. While much remains uncertain about Kennedy’s future, but doctors said the tumor should not affect his driving abilities.

R. Kelly in court, not closet
Jurors were ordered Tuesday to watch a 25-minute long tape allegedly showing R. Kelly involved in several sexual acts with a 13-year-old girl. After the tape was shown, the judge called for a 10-minute recess and everyone rushed to the bathrooms.

‘American Idol’ ends season
After a season of consistently low ratings, American Idol snagged 31.7 million viewers for its finale–a million more than this time last year. This season, David Cook took the honors with his singing talents that were better than the other guy’s. No, we didn’t watch it, either.

You Missed It: CANNES!!! edition

Sen. Hillary Clinton handily defeated Sen. Barack Obama in the West Virginia primary earlier this week. Pushing the primaries on, and on, and on, and on. So if you were like John Edwards and endorsing Obama, odds are you missed it.

Black, stork to the stars
Jack Black made unintended headlines this week at the Cannes Film Festival this week when he spilled the beans that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, better known as “Angelad,” are expecting twins. There is no word yet as to which baby will be the perfect of the two and a mortal god-off is scheduled with the unborn fruit of Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan. Meanwhile, no one is paying attention to Kung Fu Panda.

Earthquakes rock China
A Richter 7.9 earthquake hit central China earlier this week, and strong aftershocks have been hitting the region off and on since then. The quakes have caused thousands of deaths and left thousands more homeless. A dam was critically damaged by the tremblor but has been fixed by the military. Who else is looking forward to the Beijing Olympics this summer?

President heads to the Middle East
Fresh off his daughter’s weekend wedding, President George Bush headed to Israel this week to celebrate the country’s 60th anniversary and the peace that has fallen over the region since then. Bush then stopped off in Saudi Arabia to talk oil production with the Saudi royals. When Bush told King Abdullah he had just come from Israel, the monarch replied, “I’m sorry, where? I don’t recognize the name.”

Same sex marriage in California
On Thursday, the California Supreme Court struck down a state ban on same sex marriage, saying it was unconstitutional to keep people from marrying based on gender, just as it is with race. Same sex marriage supporters gathered outside the courthouse to hear the news and called the ruling “fabulous.”

You Missed It: Father knows best edition

In case you had not heard from any of the estimated 800,000 news media reports, the economy seems to be heading toward the crapper, if it’s not already there. So if you were busy joining in on the run on the banks, odds are you missed it.

Vienna incest uncovered
On Sunday, the story broke that Josef Fritzl, 73, had fathered seven children with his daughter, after allegedly keeping her and her children held hostage for more than 20 years. Friztl was arrested and the daughter and her children are seeing therapists. Strange sex practices? Holding young women against their will? Law enforcement splitting up families? And they say Europeans are so different from Americans.

The newest ‘Grant Theft Auto’
Grant Theft Auto IV began shipping this week to people who pre-ordered it. Copies of the game quickly sold out in stores and record first-week sales numbers are expected. The game is receiving rave reviews from critics across the board. Also excited about the game’s early success: politicians running for office and looking for the next great witch hunt.

D.C. Madam now deceased madam
Deborah Jeane Palfrey, better known as the D.C. Madam, hanged herself in a shed next to her mother’s house in Florida. Reports indicate Palfrey had planned suicide before going to prison long in advance. There is no doubt many federal officials are crying their eyes out this week now that the D.C. Madam has gone to that big bordello in the sky.

Record high disapproval ratings
A CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll released Thursday shows that 71 percent of Americans disapprove of President George Bush–higher than any other president in modern history. After hearing the poll numbers, Bush made a statement acknowledging the poor showing and reminded the Americans that there was still a chance they could be invited to Jenna Bush’s wedding if they change their minds.

You Missed It: Rhymes with ‘punt’ edition

Hey, Illinois, what’s shaking? Sorry, earthquake jokes are only a few shades better than flood/hurricane jokes. If you were in an area affected by a natural disaster this week, odds are you missed it.

Pennsylvania Primaries
Sen. Hillary Clinton gained a bit of momentum as she won the Pennsylvania Democratic primary election, defeating Sen. Barack Obama by more than ten percentage points. The Clinton camp and the news media were overjoyed by the news, while Obama and the rest of the U.S. groaned at the thought of having to go through with this crap for several more months.

Cindy McCain on ‘The View’
Wife of likely Republican presidential nominee Cindy McCain appeared on ABC’s “The View” Monday to dispel rumors that her husband, Sen. John McCain, has anger issues. She said voters should not be worried about an angry man in the White House with his finger on the trigger because he only uses the C-bomb on her when he has to.

‘Blade’ behind bars
Actor Wesley Snipes was convicted of not filing his taxes and sentenced to three years in prison. When reached for comment, Snipes said he regretted hiring Willie Nelson as his accountant.

Detectives acquitted
Three NYPD detectives were acquitted Friday of shooting a man outside of a strip club a few hours before his wedding. Over 50 bullets were fired by police. Finally, law enforcement officers have received a fair trial in the shooting death of an unarmed black man.

You Missed It: Blame it on the grain edition

It’s Friday afternoon once again. For those of you who are out enjoying the nice weather in most parts of the country–well, you are not reading this anyway, so we will just stop right there.

Grain Price Riots
Earlier this week, the price of most grains skyrocketed because of scarcity and other grain-related reasons. Riots broke out among the hungry in many third world countries, most notably Haiti. The panic was beginning to hit the American South when it was finally realized the grain shortage would not affect the price of grain alcohol.

Pope Visits D.C.
This week, Pope Benedict XVI made his first trip to the U.S., starting off with a three-day tour of Washington, D.C., part of which was his birthday. The 81-year-old virgin celebrated a Mass en masse at the brand new Nationals Park, home of the Washington Nationals. The Pope was lauded for his big entrance when warm up music started playing and the announcer came on: “And now, the right-hander hailing from Vatican City, number 16 in your programs but number one in the Church, His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI!”

Long Baseball Game
The Colorado Rockies may have worn out their welcome as the San Diego Padres hosted them for a night game April 17. The game ended up lasting 22 innings, falling four innings shy of a league record. The game ended after 3 a.m. local time on April 18. Many players complained that their drug dealers were already in bed at that hour.

‘Sims’ Hits Milestone
Video game The Sims hit 100 million sales this week, the milestone being hailed by critics as a sign of the franchise’s endurance in the gaming world. The critics then ducked their heads back down again to continue beefing up their World of Warcraft characters for battle.

You Missed It: Open flame edition

YMI1Welcome to a new weekly feature we like to call You Missed It. No “In Case” just “You Missed It.” Every Friday around lunch time, we’ll run down the major news stories of the week, so you don’t have to feel like you aren’t paying attention.

Olympic Torch Relay
The Olympic torch relay made stops in Europe and North America this week, and all went according to plan. Protests in London, Paris and San Francisco were disrupted by protests against China’s human rights history. One green protester with bolts in his neck was heard to say, “Fire bad!”

American Airlines Cancels Flights
Thousands across the country were stranded this week when American Airlines canceled hundreds of flights because the planes had to be inspected for mechanical problems. Many passengers are still waiting at airports for another flight, but American Airlines made amends Friday when the company released a special announcement congratulating the passengers on their extended vacation.

Fall Out Boy Bassist, Ashlee Simpson Engaged
On Wednesday, Ashlee Simpson and Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz announced their engagement. The couple said they do not have a wedding date set, but Simpson will head into the studio later this month to record the audio for her part of the ceremony.

Polygamist Ranch in Texas
Police in Texas raided a compound owned by members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, claiming members of the church forced teen girls to marry and have sex with them. Hear that, pedophiles? Get organized and invest in real estate.