You Missed It: Rhymes with ‘punt’ edition

Hey, Illinois, what’s shaking? Sorry, earthquake jokes are only a few shades better than flood/hurricane jokes. If you were in an area affected by a natural disaster this week, odds are you missed it.

Pennsylvania Primaries
Sen. Hillary Clinton gained a bit of momentum as she won the Pennsylvania Democratic primary election, defeating Sen. Barack Obama by more than ten percentage points. The Clinton camp and the news media were overjoyed by the news, while Obama and the rest of the U.S. groaned at the thought of having to go through with this crap for several more months.

Cindy McCain on ‘The View’
Wife of likely Republican presidential nominee Cindy McCain appeared on ABC’s “The View” Monday to dispel rumors that her husband, Sen. John McCain, has anger issues. She said voters should not be worried about an angry man in the White House with his finger on the trigger because he only uses the C-bomb on her when he has to.

‘Blade’ behind bars
Actor Wesley Snipes was convicted of not filing his taxes and sentenced to three years in prison. When reached for comment, Snipes said he regretted hiring Willie Nelson as his accountant.

Detectives acquitted
Three NYPD detectives were acquitted Friday of shooting a man outside of a strip club a few hours before his wedding. Over 50 bullets were fired by police. Finally, law enforcement officers have received a fair trial in the shooting death of an unarmed black man.

You Missed It: Blame it on the grain edition

It’s Friday afternoon once again. For those of you who are out enjoying the nice weather in most parts of the country–well, you are not reading this anyway, so we will just stop right there.

Grain Price Riots
Earlier this week, the price of most grains skyrocketed because of scarcity and other grain-related reasons. Riots broke out among the hungry in many third world countries, most notably Haiti. The panic was beginning to hit the American South when it was finally realized the grain shortage would not affect the price of grain alcohol.

Pope Visits D.C.
This week, Pope Benedict XVI made his first trip to the U.S., starting off with a three-day tour of Washington, D.C., part of which was his birthday. The 81-year-old virgin celebrated a Mass en masse at the brand new Nationals Park, home of the Washington Nationals. The Pope was lauded for his big entrance when warm up music started playing and the announcer came on: “And now, the right-hander hailing from Vatican City, number 16 in your programs but number one in the Church, His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI!”

Long Baseball Game
The Colorado Rockies may have worn out their welcome as the San Diego Padres hosted them for a night game April 17. The game ended up lasting 22 innings, falling four innings shy of a league record. The game ended after 3 a.m. local time on April 18. Many players complained that their drug dealers were already in bed at that hour.

‘Sims’ Hits Milestone
Video game The Sims hit 100 million sales this week, the milestone being hailed by critics as a sign of the franchise’s endurance in the gaming world. The critics then ducked their heads back down again to continue beefing up their World of Warcraft characters for battle.

You Missed It: Open flame edition

YMI1Welcome to a new weekly feature we like to call You Missed It. No “In Case” just “You Missed It.” Every Friday around lunch time, we’ll run down the major news stories of the week, so you don’t have to feel like you aren’t paying attention.

Olympic Torch Relay
The Olympic torch relay made stops in Europe and North America this week, and all went according to plan. Protests in London, Paris and San Francisco were disrupted by protests against China’s human rights history. One green protester with bolts in his neck was heard to say, “Fire bad!”

American Airlines Cancels Flights
Thousands across the country were stranded this week when American Airlines canceled hundreds of flights because the planes had to be inspected for mechanical problems. Many passengers are still waiting at airports for another flight, but American Airlines made amends Friday when the company released a special announcement congratulating the passengers on their extended vacation.

Fall Out Boy Bassist, Ashlee Simpson Engaged
On Wednesday, Ashlee Simpson and Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz announced their engagement. The couple said they do not have a wedding date set, but Simpson will head into the studio later this month to record the audio for her part of the ceremony.

Polygamist Ranch in Texas
Police in Texas raided a compound owned by members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, claiming members of the church forced teen girls to marry and have sex with them. Hear that, pedophiles? Get organized and invest in real estate.