Category: You Missed It

You know what’s a horrible prank to play on a friend? Call up the authorities and say that your friend, who is currently flying to Texas, has a bomb on board. The authorities, don’t tend to like that, and neither do the people on the plane. If you were busy celebrating the end of political conventions this week, odds are you missed it.

Bunch of jackasses
The Democrats held their national convention in Charlotte, N.C. this week, where to the surprise of many, President Barack Obama was renominated for the White House. There were many highlights of the event, but the most shocking came when Obama, clearly trying to rekindle the feeling in 2000, made out with Tipper Gore.

Get ready for random mentions of Subway restaurants
This week, it was announced that at last Kelly Ripa had found the man to round out her life. Sure, she’d done her share of hopping from guy to guy as she reeled from her break-up, but at long last, she’s found a man to replace her longtime partner, Regis Philbin. Michael Strahan, the New York Giants defensive end. This move makes sense, because during his NFL career, he was known to psych-out opponents with long, boring stories about what he and his imaginary wife Joy did over the weekend.

America loses its Papa Bear
Actor Michael Clarke Duncan died this week from complications related to the heart attack he suffered earlier this summer. In more upbeat news, Tom Hanks’ urinary tract infection finally cleared up.

It’s Labor Day weekend. What the hell are you doing reading this? I’m not saying stop, just curious as to why you aren’t out of your office and on your way to some party or trip for the long weekend. It’s OK, I’ll be your friend for the next few minutes while you read this. If you were busy getting pumped for the blue moon this week, odds are you missed it.

I see him, too!
This week, the Republican National Convention gathered in Tampa, Florida, which happened to get hit by a storm. On the final night of the convention, Clint Eastwood, of all people, was invited to speak and give his tough-guy-cut-the-crap-we-can-fix-this speech. Unfortunately, he instead walked out on stage with his hair messed up and a mangy look in his eye. The then proceeded to interview a chair for over 10 minutes, saying there was an invisible President Barack Obama sitting there, all the while doing his best Bob Newhart impression.

Sequels are never as good
Hurricane Isaac hit the Gulf Coast, including New Orleans, on Tuesday, the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Naturally, the national media made Isaac, a Category 1 storm, sound like the second-coming of the deadliest and most expensive storm in American history, which was a Category 3 when it his the Big Easy. Isaac was actually more like a house arrest. Streets flooded, power went out, and really, that’s about it. We didn’t even get any good shots of Al Roker falling down.

Crap first, ask questions later
But before the convention, Mitt Romney made a campaign stop in Indianapolis. At some point during that trip a Secret Service agent assigned to protect the presumptive Republican presidential candidate left his firearm in the airplane bathroom. This is against FAA regulations, if you listen to the safety thing the attendants say. It got worse when the gun was found by a reporter traveling with the campaign. At least it didn’t fall into the wrong hands.

The British royal family is known for being rather prim and proper, even at the Olympics, none of them seemed very excited or even human. Luckily Price Harry changed that this week, partying in Las Vegas, at one point challenging Ryan Lochte to a race in a hotel pool, and playing strip billiard with some ladies. I want to party with that man. If you were storming toward the Republican national convention this week, odds are you missed it.

Brit vs. Fake-Brit
A few weeks ago, the elder paparazzi world shook when Elton John said that Madonna looked like a fairground stripper. Apparently this is part of some ongoing feud that no one really cares about. At a recent concert in France, Madonna said that she forgave Sir Elton. But the question still remains: Where can I find these fairs with strippers (as long as they’re not 53)?

Boobs are people, too
It’s no secret that women have a lot of rights to defend these days, which lawmakers discussing “legitimate rape” and all. But more important that sexual assault is the right to bare one’s breasts, and on Sunday, women across the country will be standing up for their most sacred right. Rallies are planned in several major cities, including New York and Washington, D.C., to help spread awareness that if men can walk around without a shirt on, women can, too. If you plan on attending a rally, checkout GoTopless.org (NSFW), and make sure you send The Guys pictures on Monday.

Man bites snake
A farmer in Nepal was tending his rice paddy this week when a cobra came along and bit him. It was dark, so the farmer didn’t know what had bitten him. He got a flashlight, came back, and saw that his assailant was in fact a cobra. To show the snake whose bite is deadlier, the farmer grabbed the snake and bit it until it died. Only then did the man go to the hospital.

For the first time in my life, I care about corn. The U.S. corn harvest is expected to be the smallest in years this fall, thanks to the drought that’s affecting more than half of the country right now. It’s making good prices go up, which takes a lot of other things with it. But worst of all, this could mean that whiskey prices will go up. And that is something that simply cannot be tolerated. If you were busy winning the gold in women’s soccer this week, odds are you missed it.

Next time ride a horse
Country singer Randy Travis may be the embodiment of how many people see country music, and he gave them a lot to see. This week, Travis made headlines following a wild night that luckily injured no one. First, he walked into a convenience store drunk and bought cigarettes, even though he clearly didn’t have his wallet on him. He was found later lying on the side of the road in a construction zone after his sweet 1998 Trans Am into a barrier. He was arrested after yelling incoherently at the police. Christian country sure has changed.

Red rover
NASA’s Curiosity rover landed on Mars earlier this week, in the most advanced landing ever done. The SUV-sized rover is now starting to take pictures and take soil samples, as it continues the search for life on the red planet. By my count, we’ve launched roughly 80,000 rovers on Mars. At some point, they are going to launch one right back at us.

I can haz killing spree?
House cats are far more dangerous than previously thought. Researchers recently attached cameras to pet cats’ necks to follow their actions and see what they do all day, because apparently curing cancer is all done. What they found was that cats kill other animals about twice a week, and they pretty much just do it for fun, not for food. This means that cats can kill billions of animals in a year, then model for the latest meme.

I can’t dig on NBC again, but I can say I was way ahead of the curve in criticizing the tape delay. The Summer Olympics seem to be more popular, but I think they’re less interesting that the Winter Olympics. Basically, you just have a bunch of people doing variations of running, jumping and swimming. Plus gymnastics, which sucks. In the winter you’ve got cool things like hockey and luge. I’ll take that any day. If you were busy throwing your badminton match this week, odds are you missed it.

They call him the yellow streak
U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has a bit of a reputation for being on the douchey side, thanks to some interviews and findings on social media sites. However, he’s even more of a douche to his fellow swimmers. Lochte admitted this week that on occasion he pees in the pool. He said he doesn’t do it in the racing pool, only when he’s warming up. In this case, it’s the pool used for diving competitions. Diving just got more interesting to watch.

Missiles ready
The Missile Defense Agency, a real part of the federal government, had to issue a reminder to all its employees and contractors not to use government laptops to visit adult web sites, especially while on the job. Apparently it’s not only the American taxpayer that the feds are jerking around.

So much drama in the Caribbean
This week, Snoop Dogg announced that he is changing his name to Snoop Lion and releasing a reggae album. Mr. Dogg decided this during a recently trip to Jamaica, where he was inspired by his time with Rastafarians. This is the same thing that happened to another musician, and that time he went around insisting people call him John Cougar Mellencamp.

It’s finally time. The London Olympics are here. Of course, by now the opening ceremonies have already occurred, but we won’t see them until tonight. I have to say, the Olympics in the Internet Age really suck, unless it’s in your time zone. We love spoilers, and we love getting info up to the minute, but there’s no fun watching an event if you know the outcome. If you were busy signing on to a talent show this week, odds are you missed it.

Twi would she do that?
Twilight fans are up in arms after it was revealed that “actress” Kristen Stewart had a brief affair with Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders, who is married and has two kids. Stewart apologized publicly to her boyfriend and Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to work out. In less important news, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is considering using chemical weapons on his own people.

Campaign stop in the Holy Land
Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney is flying to Israel this weekend to discuss policy issues with the country’s leadership. Romney said he was excited to see the place Jesus lived before preaching to the Indians in North America.

Have you heard the one about the shooting in Colorado?
Dane Cook, everyone’s favorite comedic punching bag, unseated Daniel Tosh as the most hated man in their profession by making jokes about the Colorado shooting less than a week after it happened. Let that be a lesson for all those who think it’s a good idea to go to a Dane Cook show.

You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t care much today. We had burritos catered for lunch in the office today, so I checked out mentally about then. When you have a burrito, well that’s the high point of your day. The low point, of course, comes several hours later on the can. If you were busy becoming the new CEO of Yahoo, odds are you missed it.

We’ll play if off as a prank
Comedian Fred Willard did something we all thought was impossible in the Internet Age: he was arrested for allegedly masturbating in an adult movie theater. At this point, Willard is denying that the incident happened at all, which makes sense, because Los Angeles cops are always going after elderly actors for being rich. If this ends up being some method acting for Anchorman 2, perhaps I was wrong about that movie.

Still no tolerance badge
This week, Boy Scouts of America reaffirmed its policy of not allowing any “open or avowed” gay people to be scout masters, in an effort to defend America. So remember, gay people, if you want to be part of a regimented, mostly-male group with uniforms that love accessories, go join the liberal bastion known as the U.S. military.

Drinking for two
According to the Centers for Disease Control, 1 in 13 pregnant women drink, and some binge drink. Officials reminded the public that consuming alcohol while pregnant can hinder the baby’s brain development, but on the other hand, it makes being pregnant way more tolerable.

On this site, we take a stand on a lot of important issues, including science. Science has done nothing for us but find new ways to hurt or kill ourselves. When they get something right, they’re quick to take all the credit, forgetting about the risk. Take the Large Hadron Collider, it took decades to build, and no one could say for certain that it wouldn’t create a black hole and end the Earth. Yet they went along with it anyway. Now they say they have found the God particle, and we all clap. Thanks for almost killing us all–again–science. If you were busy having your school’s complete disgrace laid out in a report this week, odds are you missed it.

The liking dead
Facebook may not be all it seems, and I don’t just mean the IPO. A recent study found that as many as 54 million Facebook accounts are completely fake, and just go around liking pages, padding companies’ stats, and potentially throwing off data. Sure, they might not be real people, but profiles don’t just create themselves, and they certainly don’t like things willy-nilly. The only possible explanation is that the undead have found social media. Can we just give them MySpace?

Suing over nostalgia
East and West Germany were reunited, Ghost reigned at the box office, and William Howard Taft was president–1990 seems like so long ago, doesn’t it? One record company wants to bring it back by bringing it to court. Indeed, 1990 was also the year that Madonna’s hit “Vogue” came out. VMG filed a lawsuit this week claiming that Madonna and her producer sampled a 1977 song they had no rights to. Dick Tracy could be called in as a witness if this goes to court.

Burning up the road
Colorado has been burning for weeks, thanks to heat and droughts felt by much of the country, but one fire can be blamed on a Suburu. Kristan McCann, 19, was fleeing the wildfires, drive to surprise her father in Oregon, but something went wrong. In Idaho, her Suburu clipped a Jeep and ran off the road on Interstate 84, catching fire. McCann escaped the car, but the fire ended up burning 2,000 acres. Surprise!

It’s hot. There, it’s been acknowledged. It’s over 100 here in the Washington, D.C. area, and considering how much of the country is on fire or in a drought, it’s probably hot where you are, too. It gets hot and suddenly that’s all that people talk about. Yes, I punch people who say “Hot enough for ya?” If you were busy announcing your divorce from Tom Cruise, odds are you missed it.

Easy on immigration, tough on aliens
A recent National Geographic poll found that American believe that Obama would be better able to deal with an extraterrestrial invasion than Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Analysts say this is a clear sign that the Obama campaign’s message is resounding strongly with the tinfoil-hat crowd, previously the domain of Ron Paul. However, they are all wrong. Bill Pullman would be the best president to handle such an invasion. This fall, remember his campaign slogan: “I saw its thoughts. I saw what they’re planning to do. They’re like locusts. They’re moving from planet to planet … their whole civilization. After they’ve consumed every natural resource they move on … and we’re next. Nuke ’em. Let’s nuke the bastards.”

Will anyone move to Canada?
On Thursday, the Supreme Court ruled that the Affordable Care Act, or “Obamacare,” if you listen to talk radio, is constitutional. But because of the confusing format of the written decision, both CNN and Fox News initially reported the opposite. President Barack Obama initially got the incorrect message that it was struck down, and was sad for a few minutes. Sad Obama needs to be the next Internet meme.

Pot: More dangerous than we thought
The autopsy of Rudy Eugene, the man who chewed off the face of another man in Miami, found that he had only marijuana in his system, not bath salts, as some first thought. That makes sense. How many times in college did you rock the ganja so hard you got naked and ate someone’s face?