Keeping an eye on ghoulish figures
Posted on October 29, 2008
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Zombies! They claim they only want brains, but we know the truth. The “brrraaaaaaaaaaaaains” bit is an act; they’d rather have what’s in our pants.
And by that, we mean money. (What were you thinking?)
Forbes Magazine just listed this year’s top dead earners, 13 of which earned a combined $194 million dollars this past year.
Elvis was number one, of course, earning $52 million, presumably in velvet painting sales.
Charles Schulz was number two with $33 million, thanks to a huge back catalog of Snoopy merchandise (and the occasional other Peanuts character product).
And our old buddy, Heath Ledger — a zombie finance newbie (a z00mbie) — had an impressive $20 million year, grabbing the undead celebrity bronze.
Honorable mentions include Albert Einstein, Aaron Spelling, Dr. Seuss, John Lennon (who didn’t care about possessions until zombification), Andy Warhol, Marilyn Monroe, Steve McQueen, Paul Newman (another z00mbie), James Dean and Marvin Gaye.
Written by Rick SneeFinally, a use for baby rats
Posted on October 15, 2008
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Folks, it’s October, and besides German beer, baseball playoffs and breast cancer awareness, this month means one thing: Halloween. And with Halloween come the usual stories about spooky stuff, but let us not forget about zombies, who are real and in fact, quite scary.
Reanimation is something we see in zombies. Some say it is caused by a virus, some say it is the fact that Hell is full. One thing is for certain: we are getting closer and closer to creating our own reanimated corpse, no Frankenstein needed.
Using cells from newborn rats (really), scientists have been able to restart a heart that had stopped working, presumably killing its owner. This means that one of the major organs we have to get working again in order to create an army of undead minions has just been added to the list.
If these refurbished hearts are made available to the public, we know someone who could use one.
Written by Bryan McBournieThe dead hate the swimming
Posted on October 15, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals, Zombies | Leave a Comment |
Dear Britain:
You’re ever so jolly. Always showing a good show, we’re never really too sure if you’re on our side or not. I mean, you’re not still sore about that whole breaking away thing, right? Cool beans. I mean, America, or more specifically, The Guys, just want to help you out. Hey, did you know that the animals have crossed the pond and begun the war on you? I mean, the evidence is right there in front of you!
At one of your aquariums, the face of a ghost was found in a shark tank. That’s some utterly horrifying shite! I mean, think about it–if a ghost is there, then clearly it’s the ghost of a poor soul that was eaten by the sharks. Yeah, that’s right, the sharks are eating your people right under your noses. That’s horrible! What’s even worse are the only two possibilities that can arise if this isn’t stopped:
- The sharks will continue to eat people. This will not stop until the entire tank is filled with the disembodied ghost heads of people, at which point, no one in your country will ever get any sleep again due to the ghostly wailing that will constantly happen.
- The sharks, secret plants by their insidious animal overlords, have been infected with a virus akin to Solarium. As any fan of Max Brooks knows, this can only lead onto zombies, and eventually, World War Z. Since zombies are cannibalistic in nature, they’ll have no need to attack the animals (unless they’re of the Italios Fulcis species)-but they won’t hesitate to attack us. The animals can simply kick back and allow our forces to be depleted, then sweep in and kill us all.
Come, join with us Britain! Put aside your differences and work together with us to end this war! We need all the help we can get-and we’ll gladly have yours, guv’na.
Sincerely,
Chris “Chugs” Taylor
(Story courtesy of Adrienne)
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorMasterChugs Theater: ‘Cemetery Man’
Posted on September 26, 2008
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A rollicking good time that doesn’t care one what about visual excess or maximum gore, Cemetery Man will entertain far more people than I presume would expect to enjoy it. Rupert Everett’s star qualities, finally made known to a broad audience since his killer turn in My Best Friend’s Wedding, are the perfect blend of smirkiness and swarthiness to hold together this tale of a graveyard attendant who is constantly, wearily assaulted by the corpses of people who just don’t feel like being dead. The buzz of Rupert’s doorbell usually signals the arrival of one such zombie, whom he promptly and even politely kills, then buries with the help of his mishmouthed, hunchback assistant Gnaghi. All in a day’s work for Rupert, whose name in this baroquely perverse film is Francesco Dellamore Dellamorte, which literally translates to “Francesco of Love, of Death.”
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWhat? Is there no cash in Hell?
Posted on September 2, 2008
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Once again, the undead are trying to defraud our governments, but luckily, they remain overseas.
However, it seems they are getting cleverer, using the aid of the living. Ahmad Akhtary died in Afghanistan a while back. His wife has the death certificate to prove it. But then Akhtary showed up for a doctor’s appointment in England (perhaps to better determine the cause of his own death.
Luckily, Akhtary got a punishment, No, not the shot to the head that all zombies deserve, he got 60 hours of community service. His wife, who we assume has not been bitten, was sentenced to 40.
Written by Bryan McBournieRemember: aim for the head
Posted on July 2, 2008
Filed Under Scurry '08, Zombies | Leave a Comment |
Folks, there is a lot at stake in this November’s election. But somehow the stakes just got higher. This election, has now heard from another demographic, but this time one that we should fear. We’ll let the headline speak for itself:
Dead veterans happy to rock again for Obama
Yes, zombies seem to have endorsed Sen. Barack Obama. Worst of all, these zombies seem to have military training and musical prowess. This is the worst kind of zombie. It is a bigger threat than simply running for office, stealing money from us or acting, they are trained to kill and much worse, jam for 20 minutes on the same song. Citizens, we need to hunt down the undead now!
Written by Bryan McBournieGreat Ledger’s ghost!*
Posted on July 2, 2008
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The ghost of Heath Ledger still refuses to move on.
While alive, he lingered around, making us watch horrible movies like 10 Things I Hate About You with our girlfriends (or A Knight’s Tale with our boyfriends).
In death, he haunted the Internet through creepy necrophiliac fans. Then he nightstalked his ex-girlfriend. (Sorry, Heath. If marriage ends at death, then dating ends at the pill coma.)
Now, he’s angling for a Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his performance as ICP in The Dark Knight. Look, it’s bad enough that Hollywood is dangling his reanimated corpse in front of us this summer, but rewarding zombie labor? They’re stealing our jobs (and accolades)!
*Bonus Headline:
How To: Mourn a celebrity
Posted on June 26, 2008
Filed Under How To, Too Soon?, Zombies | Leave a Comment |
Jesus, the Internet’s like a bad zombie movie these days. Just a couple of weeks ago, you were lucky if you caught “It’s Bad for Ya” on HBO, which was played as filler between John Adams marathons and Recount. But now that George Carlin’s dead, you can’t escape the c**ksucker.
(And the week before, it was Tim Russert. You know, the guy from the political news that wasn’t Chris Matthews.)
The Guys are running around the Internet, trying to find quality news for you readers, and there’s George, walking around in another eulogy. No matter how fast we run, he’s still there, right behind us.
But he doesn’t moan for “braaaaaaaains” or even “pussyyyyyyyy farrrrrrrts.” No, he sounds like Jerry Seinfeld, Stephen Colbert or some blogger. There’s George, but that isn’t George anymore.
So how do dead celebrities get around so much? Because everyone’s gotta take their turn to mourn and do it right, or their fans will jump out of the woodworks to call you “insensitive.” It’s this rabid attention to post-mortem detail that prompted us to write how to mourn a celebrity. Read more
Written by Rick SneeThe undead hit America’s freezer
Posted on June 23, 2008
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There are a lot of things that one can find fascinating about Alaska. Its pristine state makes it a popular tourist attraction these days. But it’s not just for the living.
It is with shock that this blog reports zombies took over Fairbanks, Alaska yesterday. While we are not sure where they came from, or why they chose Fairbanks (Anchorage is much nicer), but there they were, walking through town in one of the daringest displays we have seen yet from the undead.
“There will be snack time at the cemetery,” Tarah Sickels told the group of about 20 zombies, who proceeded to moan for brains and clamor slowly toward the Golden Heart Plaza.
The horror. The horror.
Written by Bryan McBournieMayor of the Dead
Posted on June 19, 2008
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Citizen, you should be proud that you’re (probably) a member of the United States of America. We’re a strong country. We have values that we’ll gladly impose upon you. We know what we want and we take it! But most important of all, we’re zombie-free. Unlike Europe, which seems to be riddled with the brain-munchers, our country knows the value in putting the dead back into their graves.
Another plus for our country and not Europe? We don’t have zombies elected as political officials. While this was obviously most evident during the 2004 election, stronger evidence of this can be seen as closely as Bucharest, where recently, a dead mayor was reelected by his Romanian village. Their reason? “We’re afraid of change.” Major weaksauce, Romania. Smartly, election authorities awarded the title of mayor to his candidate before a dark ritual or Solarium could be used to expedite the corpse’s stroll back to office.
People, that’s not a bipartisan system-it’s a brain partaking system. It’s smart not to let a zombie in office. All we would have is tons and tons of legislature stating, “Send more paramedics.”
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor keep looking »