Category: Zombies

| Filed under Zombies

Drunk zombie breaks into apartment

By now, society is well acquainted on the threat posed by the undead. There are all sorts of shows, movies and other media telling us to avoid their bites and to aim for their heads. But they all fail to mention that the biggest threat is a zombie breaking and entering.

A man in Denver came home to his apartment one evening to find, to his shock and horror, a zombie passed out in chair. The place had also been trashed. When the victim woke the zombie up, it tried to grab a kitchen knife, and made threatening remarks. (Zombies are now learning to talk. Panic.) Rather than biting the guy who lived there, the zombie escaped out the door.

Now, the authorities who are trying to keep the public in the dark would have you believe that they caught and interrogated the suspect. They think you’re dumb enough to buy that just because this happened on Halloween night, it was a guy dressed like a zombie who got really drunk and passed out in the wrong apartment. If you read this blog, you know better.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Zombies

Your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather didn’t evolve for you *not* to punch something

... and you'll never stop punching things.
… and you’ll never stop punching things.

Every century, fewer and fewer humans commit violence. That we are less violent than ever seems contrary to news reports, but that’s only because the media got to be more selective over which murders made press than now. Now, nearly any murder or assault is ink-worthy … unless it happens in one of those neighborhoods, of course. (You know which ones. The ones your favorite sports teams moved out of while keeping the city in their name.)

Overall, that’s a good thing, unless you’re one of millions of disappointed ancestors who broke a lot of fingers evolving the perfect fist for you not to use, you ingrates.

Researchers literally armed with the arms of corpses tested out various had positions for striking things and learned that we specifically evolved to safely inflict the most harm on each other (and fix old televisions) with a closed fist. The bones and muscles necessary to make this shape as well as be dexterous enough to gather roots and brush our teeth became a consciously desirable trait for generations of breeding, all of which led to you.

See? Boxers are too evolved!
See? Boxers are too evolved!

So, what/who have you punched lately? Don’t make your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Ug skip inventing the wheel and fire to build a time machine and slap you upside the head.

| Filed under War on Animals, Zombies

Mainstream media finally covering ‘zombee’ plague

Nearly four years after we first warned you about them, it seems the mainstream media is at last catching on to the threat of zombie bees, better known as “zombees.”

The zombee plague appears to have started on the West Coast, and is making its way east. According to researchers, little flies insert eggs into the abdomens of honeybees and yellow jackets, and it drives them crazy. Before long, the bees are flying at night, and lurching around like zombies. Then they die.

Of course, experts are trying to keep the masses calm by insisting this only affects bees and yellow jackets, but since you read this blog, you know all to well that we’ll start seeing reports of humans being infected soon.

| Filed under Zombies

At least zombies can’t get loans

Aleksander Perstin died last year, but that hasn’t stopped him from trying to obtain credit from Experian.

Experian has sold Perstin’s credit reports over the last year because he’s dead. However, he doesn’t like that everyone knows he’s undead, so he is suing the credit agency. Perstin’s status as dead makes it really hard for him to do things with credit, like get credit cards, loans or mortgages.

When Hell is full, the dead will walk the earth in search of a nice house with an open concept.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Zombies

Study: If you have broadband access, you’re not safe from zombies

Scranton is the worst place to live. But we already knew that.
Scranton is the worst place to live. But we already knew that.

For a bunch of supposed professionals telling us that it’s not real, scientists sure are obsessed with the zombie apocalypse. This time, they’re telling us where in the country we should or shouldn’t go.

According to researchers as Cornell, when the zombie outbreak happens, your best bet is to go someplace where no one really lives. Specifically, Montana and Nevada. Apparently those places could go for months, while the rest of the U.S. is overtaken by the undead hordes.

The worst place to be is northeastern Pennsylvania, according to the study.

| Filed under Zombies

Kansas prepares to make October 31st a horrifying day in their history

In the war against the dead, the state of Kansas has decided to be ready. Now. Well, more like next month.

Later this week, Governor Sam Brownback will sign a proclamation that allows zombie designation and announce October as “Zombie Preparedness Month.” The state’s Department of Emergency Preparedness says that zombie apocalypse prep is just the same as any other emergency prep, thus managing to eliminate any fun and specialness that the governor has created.

That said, while we at SG advocate zombie preparedness, we also are aware that the end of October is Halloween, a wonderful event that typically involves people dressing up as all manner of things, many of which are zombies. We eagerly look forward to news stories on November 1st reporting on massive accidental slaughters of innocents all across the state.

| Filed under Zombies

The dead are slowly taking over Facebook

When you die, your Facebook profile goes on without you. This may not sound like a problem, because it’s nice for your loved ones to have place online to remember you, but there’s a major concern here: we’re about to be overrun by the dead.

By 2065, Facebook will have more dead users than alive. About 30 million users died in Facebook’s first eight years of existence, and that trend doesn’t seem to be going away soon. In the decades ahead, more and more users will die, and Facebook will soon start to look like a zombie haven.

Remember, folks: aim for the head.

| Filed under Zombies

The Pentagon is ready for the zombie apocalypse

For years, governments around the world, including our own, have denied the existence of zombies, but we’ve known better. Now, it seems our concerns were justified, and not just the rantings of a hyper-paranoid team of bloggers. We have official military acknowledgement of the existence of the walking dead.

Should zombies ever launch a massive attack around the world, the Pentagon will be ready. A document titled “CONOP 8888” explains what to do when the outbreak happens. And we all know it will happen. Now, the Department of Defense is trying to cover it up, saying the document is merely a training exercise for students.

But again, we know better.

| Filed under Booze News, Zombies

The drinking dead

Are you bored with your Downton Abbey wine? Growing tired of the latest Game of Thrones beer? Perhaps it’s time you started drinking another TV-flavored booze.

In a tribute to AMC’s The Walking Dead, Dock Street Brewing in Philadelphia is releasing a special batch of beer, called Dock Street Walker. The brew does more than just tie its name to a show arbitrarily, it’s actually got ingredients inspired by the show. Namely, this American pale stout has goat brains in it.

Of course, true fans of the show will know that the zombies on The Walking Dead don’t care about brains, it’s the flesh and everything else, too. In fact, there are very few zombie universes out there where the undead even care about which part of the body they are chowing down on. So this really is just a salute to certain aspects of zombie culture, and — hey, where are you going?

| Filed under Zombies

Zombies have their own cartels

Nazario Moreno was a Mexican drug lord who died during a firefight with government forces back in December 2010. Only thing is, he didn’t stay dead.

But then, Moreno was reported still at the helm of his cartel in the Mexican state of Michoacan, in what is undoubtedly another case of bath salts creating zombies. It’s surprising that he was able to remain the boss of his ring, since the dead have such little brain functions.

The good news is that the Mexican government has killed Moreno in a shootout, again. We can only hope this time they aimed for the head.