Category: Zombies

Zombies knock out power in Florida

Florida is a place where people go to die. But apparently they don’t always stay dead.

Residents of Lake Worth, Florida received an alert from the city that there was a power outage due to “extreme zombie activity.” Which means either they were zombies from the 90s, or they were very active. In any case, they had a beef with the power lines.

The frank explanation of the reason for the power outage was later rescinded by the city, who denied that any zombies were in the area at all, and failed to give a reason for the power outage or the zombie warning.

Smells like a coverup to us.

Romanian zombies clog up the courts

Romania is known in this part of the world for spooky stuff, mostly, vampires. But it turns out that the country has its share of zombies, too. And they are clogging up the legal system.

Constantin Reliu, 63, died a few months ago, according to his wife and the paperwork she filed to declare him dead. So when he returned home from a trip to Turkey in January, Reliu wasn’t pleased to find out of his death. He sued to have his death certificate overturned, but the Romanian courts know a zombie when they see one. The court told him the death certificate could not be overturned.

In the same week, a Romanian court ruled that Valerian Vasiliu should have his driver’s license reinstated. The only problem is that Vasiliu is dead. In March 2017, Vasiliu had his license revoked. He immediately appealed the decision, only to die last October. So when the court made its ruling last week, they were essentially telling a zombie he can drive again.

The dead are rising, and getting clever.

Canada is ready for the dead to rise

It’s no secret that the federal government is royally screwed up, but now the Canadian are handing our asses to us. Despite this blog’s best efforts, the feds refuse to acknowledge or even plan for the rising of the dead.

Meanwhile, the Canadian House of Commons, which apparently is something like a legislative body, is discussing what measures their country is taking, should the zombies take over the U.S. They’re not planning to swoop in and save us, they’re planning to keep the dead from crossing onto Canadian soil and creating a pandemic.

We are so far behind.

Dead Island becomes reality

Tangier Island is a small island in the Chesapeake section of Virginia. If you rent a bike, you can peddle around the entire island in approximately an hour. I should know, I’ve been to it as a kid.

It’s been a good 15 years since I’ve been there, but thanks to Hurricane Superstorm Windy and Rainy Event Sandy, I think I’d like to keep that time passed even longer. Why? Because has decided to take the career path of the narrator from Altered Beast and caused the dead to “WISE FROM THEIR GWAVE.”

Erosion has caused graves, caskets, clothing and skeletons to be washed up, turning the beach into a necrophiliac’s most romantic dream site ever. Along with that, the island is losing nearly 20 feet of land a year. No one’s made claims that the dead have begun gnawing on people, but with a shrinking island, would you want to take that chance?

“Take. Eat. This is my bo-OW!”

We don’t like to read a lot into religion here at SG (we are, after all, Seventh Day Southern Orthodox Snake Unitarians), but that said, we think that the Sacrament of Holy Eucharist is fairly straight-forward. It’s a representative act, not something that should be taken literally.

Leave it to Australia to mess things up.

Two octogenarian priests in the land down under got into a bit of a scuffle (because OY!, that’s why) that resulted in the younger of the pair biting an ear off his elder. Now, we’re not going to jump to the conclusion that one of the priests is a zombie (at least, one initially, now it’s a pair) NO, WAIT, THAT’S TOTALLY WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO.

Dead politicians tell no tales

Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.

Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.

Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.

Bears are the new zombies

Halloween may be done and over with, but as you and I know, the terrifying flesh-eaters known as zombies never hold themselves to just that night. Alas! Things would be much easier if they did.

Well, now we have animals other than opossums using similar tactics as zombies to kill us! For example, a hunter in Oregon was doing his noble business when he came across a bear, no doubt rummaging through some campers’ rucksack like a hobo and being as destructive as possible. Committed to his duty, the hunter, a youth by the name of Alex Machado, shot the bear. When Machado checked the bear to see if it had passed this mortal coil, the bear rose up, grasping him into a bear hug (how original, bear) and sending them both over a cliff! Oh no! Luckily, Machado survived the fall and the bear was then shot … again.

People, our current way of hunting is just too risky. We need to apply zombie survival tactics to animals from now on. Remember: before you check, give them two shots to the head, even if you were already aiming at their noggin.

When there’s no more room in China, the dead will rise

Zombie movies have happened just about everywhere. The United States, Germany, Canada, Sweden, England, Wales, Australia, India, Japan, and if I understand the trailer, perhaps some place in Africa while also facing the T-800?

But one place they haven’t happened in is China. That is, until recently.

A man in Foshan City cornered a woman on the street and proceeded to begin gnawing on her face. Bystanders came by and attacked the undead man with a shovel to no avail. When the police arrived, the zombie began chewing on one of their arms. Ghastly!

The media is writing off the incident as the actions of a mentally ill individual, but c’mon. You and I know the real truth here. World War Z may soon become a tome that predicts the future.