Category: Zombies

| Posted in War on Animals, Zombies

The ground is sour

Isn't Muffin the cutest?
Isn’t Muffin the cutest?

Sarah McCallum of St. Jacob, Illinois had no idea that her yard contained an ancient Native American burial ground, so it seemed completely logical to bury Muffin, the family cat, on the property.

Muffin was found unconscious and unresponsive one day. No breathing, no heartbeat. Dead. It was time to put the old pet in the ground. So she put the cat in a box, taped it up and buried it before her kids got home. Bradley, her six-year-old son, wanted to put a flower on Muffin’s grave, but when he went to the grave site, Muffin was meowing from underground.

Muffin didn’t stay dead. Sarah quickly dug up the cat, which so far has not attempted to kill them all. Seemingly oblivious to the fact that Muffin has come back, but come back a little bit evil, the family continues to play with their favorite pet — for now.

| Posted in Zombies

Canada is ready for the dead to rise

It’s no secret that the federal government is royally screwed up, but now the Canadian are handing our asses to us. Despite this blog’s best efforts, the feds refuse to acknowledge or even plan for the rising of the dead.

Meanwhile, the Canadian House of Commons, which apparently is something like a legislative body, is discussing what measures their country is taking, should the zombies take over the U.S. They’re not planning to swoop in and save us, they’re planning to keep the dead from crossing onto Canadian soil and creating a pandemic.

We are so far behind.

| Posted in Zombies

Dead Island becomes reality

Tangier Island is a small island in the Chesapeake section of Virginia. If you rent a bike, you can peddle around the entire island in approximately an hour. I should know, I’ve been to it as a kid.

It’s been a good 15 years since I’ve been there, but thanks to Hurricane Superstorm Windy and Rainy Event Sandy, I think I’d like to keep that time passed even longer. Why? Because has decided to take the career path of the narrator from Altered Beast and caused the dead to “WISE FROM THEIR GWAVE.”

Erosion has caused graves, caskets, clothing and skeletons to be washed up, turning the beach into a necrophiliac’s most romantic dream site ever. Along with that, the island is losing nearly 20 feet of land a year. No one’s made claims that the dead have begun gnawing on people, but with a shrinking island, would you want to take that chance?

| Posted in That Wacky Australia, Zombies

“Take. Eat. This is my bo-OW!”

We don’t like to read a lot into religion here at SG (we are, after all, Seventh Day Southern Orthodox Snake Unitarians), but that said, we think that the Sacrament of Holy Eucharist is fairly straight-forward. It’s a representative act, not something that should be taken literally.

Leave it to Australia to mess things up.

Two octogenarian priests in the land down under got into a bit of a scuffle (because OY!, that’s why) that resulted in the younger of the pair biting an ear off his elder. Now, we’re not going to jump to the conclusion that one of the priests is a zombie (at least, one initially, now it’s a pair) NO, WAIT, THAT’S TOTALLY WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO.

| Posted in He's Dead, Jim, Scurry '12, Zombies

Dead politicians tell no tales

Depending on who you ask, American voters elected the wrong people on Tuesday. But, we can all agree that it’s a mistake to elect zombies to higher office, which is exactly what voters in Alabama and Florida did.

Florida elected Democrat incumbent and wormgarden Earl K. Wood as Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, and Alabama elected Republican challenger and body temperature-impaired Charles Beasley to the Bibb County Commission. Both candidates died weeks before Nov. 6, yet voters did not notice a change in their dead, vacant eyes and funereal, moaning campaign promises.

Way to go, democracy. Get ready for new bills where doctors are replaced with chefs and more brains handouts to the unresuscitable.

| Posted in War on Animals, Zombies

Bears are the new zombies

Halloween may be done and over with, but as you and I know, the terrifying flesh-eaters known as zombies never hold themselves to just that night. Alas! Things would be much easier if they did.

Well, now we have animals other than opossums using similar tactics as zombies to kill us! For example, a hunter in Oregon was doing his noble business when he came across a bear, no doubt rummaging through some campers’ rucksack like a hobo and being as destructive as possible. Committed to his duty, the hunter, a youth by the name of Alex Machado, shot the bear. When Machado checked the bear to see if it had passed this mortal coil, the bear rose up, grasping him into a bear hug (how original, bear) and sending them both over a cliff! Oh no! Luckily, Machado survived the fall and the bear was then shot … again.

People, our current way of hunting is just too risky. We need to apply zombie survival tactics to animals from now on. Remember: before you check, give them two shots to the head, even if you were already aiming at their noggin.

| Posted in Zombies

When there’s no more room in China, the dead will rise

Zombie movies have happened just about everywhere. The United States, Germany, Canada, Sweden, England, Wales, Australia, India, Japan, and if I understand the trailer, perhaps some place in Africa while also facing the T-800?

But one place they haven’t happened in is China. That is, until recently.

A man in Foshan City cornered a woman on the street and proceeded to begin gnawing on her face. Bystanders came by and attacked the undead man with a shovel to no avail. When the police arrived, the zombie began chewing on one of their arms. Ghastly!

The media is writing off the incident as the actions of a mentally ill individual, but c’mon. You and I know the real truth here. World War Z may soon become a tome that predicts the future.

| Posted in Pirates, Zombies

Zombies versus Jack Bauer

Yar! I never be someone who watched 24. I always be thinking the show be just extremely ridiculous, and that’s me saying that (just yesterday at work, aboard my vessel, I be telling quite a tale about a robot that runs around dispensing hyper-ebola). All I know about 24 is that Jack Bauer be seemingly as invincible as the Flying Dutchman and that he works for a counter-terrorism group. Also, Aisha Tyler (mmmm, Aisha Tyler be quite a tasty wench).

I can now successfully say that Jack Bauer’s counter-terrorism group, even with Aisha Tyler, be a group o’ landlubbers. The most awesome counter-terrorism group be officially HALO Corp., located out of San Diego (known to many a water-bearing vessel as Whale’s Vagina).

On Halloween, HALO will be taking on zombies. And it will not be a drill.

Actually, aye, it be a drill, but that’s okay. Part of a counter-terrorism summit, the future-training for their employees is being done in order to save human lives. It’s that kind of serious thinking and planning that brings a proud tear to my eye.