Category: Zombies

| Filed under War on Animals, Zombies

Mainstream media finally covering ‘zombee’ plague

Nearly four years after we first warned you about them, it seems the mainstream media is at last catching on to the threat of zombie bees, better known as “zombees.”

The zombee plague appears to have started on the West Coast, and is making its way east. According to researchers, little flies insert eggs into the abdomens of honeybees and yellow jackets, and it drives them crazy. Before long, the bees are flying at night, and lurching around like zombies. Then they die.

Of course, experts are trying to keep the masses calm by insisting this only affects bees and yellow jackets, but since you read this blog, you know all to well that we’ll start seeing reports of humans being infected soon.

| Filed under Zombies

At least zombies can’t get loans

Aleksander Perstin died last year, but that hasn’t stopped him from trying to obtain credit from Experian.

Experian has sold Perstin’s credit reports over the last year because he’s dead. However, he doesn’t like that everyone knows he’s undead, so he is suing the credit agency. Perstin’s status as dead makes it really hard for him to do things with credit, like get credit cards, loans or mortgages.

When Hell is full, the dead will walk the earth in search of a nice house with an open concept.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Zombies

Study: If you have broadband access, you’re not safe from zombies

Scranton is the worst place to live. But we already knew that.
Scranton is the worst place to live. But we already knew that.

For a bunch of supposed professionals telling us that it’s not real, scientists sure are obsessed with the zombie apocalypse. This time, they’re telling us where in the country we should or shouldn’t go.

According to researchers as Cornell, when the zombie outbreak happens, your best bet is to go someplace where no one really lives. Specifically, Montana and Nevada. Apparently those places could go for months, while the rest of the U.S. is overtaken by the undead hordes.

The worst place to be is northeastern Pennsylvania, according to the study.

| Filed under Zombies

Kansas prepares to make October 31st a horrifying day in their history

In the war against the dead, the state of Kansas has decided to be ready. Now. Well, more like next month.

Later this week, Governor Sam Brownback will sign a proclamation that allows zombie designation and announce October as “Zombie Preparedness Month.” The state’s Department of Emergency Preparedness says that zombie apocalypse prep is just the same as any other emergency prep, thus managing to eliminate any fun and specialness that the governor has created.

That said, while we at SG advocate zombie preparedness, we also are aware that the end of October is Halloween, a wonderful event that typically involves people dressing up as all manner of things, many of which are zombies. We eagerly look forward to news stories on November 1st reporting on massive accidental slaughters of innocents all across the state.

| Filed under Zombies

The dead are slowly taking over Facebook

When you die, your Facebook profile goes on without you. This may not sound like a problem, because it’s nice for your loved ones to have place online to remember you, but there’s a major concern here: we’re about to be overrun by the dead.

By 2065, Facebook will have more dead users than alive. About 30 million users died in Facebook’s first eight years of existence, and that trend doesn’t seem to be going away soon. In the decades ahead, more and more users will die, and Facebook will soon start to look like a zombie haven.

Remember, folks: aim for the head.

| Filed under Zombies

The Pentagon is ready for the zombie apocalypse

For years, governments around the world, including our own, have denied the existence of zombies, but we’ve known better. Now, it seems our concerns were justified, and not just the rantings of a hyper-paranoid team of bloggers. We have official military acknowledgement of the existence of the walking dead.

Should zombies ever launch a massive attack around the world, the Pentagon will be ready. A document titled “CONOP 8888” explains what to do when the outbreak happens. And we all know it will happen. Now, the Department of Defense is trying to cover it up, saying the document is merely a training exercise for students.

But again, we know better.

| Filed under Booze News, Zombies

The drinking dead

Are you bored with your Downton Abbey wine? Growing tired of the latest Game of Thrones beer? Perhaps it’s time you started drinking another TV-flavored booze.

In a tribute to AMC’s The Walking Dead, Dock Street Brewing in Philadelphia is releasing a special batch of beer, called Dock Street Walker. The brew does more than just tie its name to a show arbitrarily, it’s actually got ingredients inspired by the show. Namely, this American pale stout has goat brains in it.

Of course, true fans of the show will know that the zombies on The Walking Dead don’t care about brains, it’s the flesh and everything else, too. In fact, there are very few zombie universes out there where the undead even care about which part of the body they are chowing down on. So this really is just a salute to certain aspects of zombie culture, and — hey, where are you going?

| Filed under Zombies

Zombies have their own cartels

Nazario Moreno was a Mexican drug lord who died during a firefight with government forces back in December 2010. Only thing is, he didn’t stay dead.

But then, Moreno was reported still at the helm of his cartel in the Mexican state of Michoacan, in what is undoubtedly another case of bath salts creating zombies. It’s surprising that he was able to remain the boss of his ring, since the dead have such little brain functions.

The good news is that the Mexican government has killed Moreno in a shootout, again. We can only hope this time they aimed for the head.

| Filed under Zombies

The Federal Government is creating zombies

Not a dream! Not a hoax! Truly, the federal government is creating zombies! Horrible, slobbering, terrifying (paper) zombies!

The horror begins when a woman in Lodi, California, goes for a routine doctor’s appointment. Do you feel the suspense? What terror must have come about around a physician?

Turner learned she was declared dead after showing up to make a doctor’s appointment.

While some might say that she protested with the clawing of her zombie germ-ridden nails, others might say Leona Turner protested with words such as speaking to someone in front of her and telling her that she was alive. That’s difficult to do when you’re deeeeeeaaaaaad.

Some time passed and Turner received a letter from the Social Security office. They offered an apology, but not explanation for why the federal government marked her dead and then brought her back to life. They also offered no apology to the community for letting a zombie loose in the neighborhood.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, Zombies


Unless we dispatch troops to Mississippi immediately, the South will rise again.
Unless we dispatch troops to Mississippi immediately, the South will rise again.

We have a zombie in Mississippi! Repeat: we are officially at ZOMCOM 1 (or 5, whichever is more urgent) due to a zombie found in Mississippi!

78-year-old Walter Williams was tagged, bagged and ready to ride the formaldehyde pony at a funeral home when he started kicking through his body bag. The funeral director and coroner were there to fortunately let him out, which says a lot for their professionalism. The Guys wouldn’t have been able to put our shotguns and chainsaws down long enough to open a zipper.

Holmes County Coroner, Dexter Howard, believes that Williams’ defibrillator may have started his heart up again sometime after being found with no pulse and declared dead. But, they refuse to legally declare him a zombie. So, it looks like Mississippi will drag down the Union once more, only — instead of with low standardized test scores and obesity rates — it will be by refusing to name that which was once living and is now undead.