The horror begins when a woman in Lodi, California, goes for a routine doctor’s appointment. Do you feel the suspense? What terror must have come about around a physician?
Turner learned she was declared dead after showing up to make a doctor’s appointment.
While some might say that she protested with the clawing of her zombie germ-ridden nails, others might say Leona Turner protested with words such as speaking to someone in front of her and telling her that she was alive. That’s difficult to do when you’re deeeeeeaaaaaad.
Some time passed and Turner received a letter from the Social Security office. They offered an apology, but not explanation for why the federal government marked her dead and then brought her back to life. They also offered no apology to the community for letting a zombie loose in the neighborhood.
78-year-old Walter Williams was tagged, bagged and ready to ride the formaldehyde pony at a funeral home when he started kicking through his body bag. The funeral director and coroner were there to fortunately let him out, which says a lot for their professionalism. The Guys wouldn’t have been able to put our shotguns and chainsaws down long enough to open a zipper.
Holmes County Coroner, Dexter Howard, believes that Williams’ defibrillator may have started his heart up again sometime after being found with no pulse and declared dead. But, they refuse to legally declare him a zombie. So, it looks like Mississippi will drag down the Union once more, only — instead of with low standardized test scores and obesity rates — it will be by refusing to name that which was once living and is now undead.
We at SG don’t trust Australia. Everything about the country has involved to be the worst. Their animals are the worst. Their hooligans are the worst. Their plants are the worst. Mind you, this really shouldn’t be too expected from a country that was founded first as a penal colony, but still!
And now the zombies are upon us. A man was seen Monday evening running down a freeway, cavorting as happily as he could be giving people hugs. With his head. And by people, I mean their cars. Worse so, witnesses likened his actions to the beginning “zombie” rush of World War Z (the lackluster film, not the spectacular book).
Police were investigating whether there were traces of alcohol or drugs in the man’s body, but let’s be honest, there was probably only one poison in his body: solanum.
John Rosentangle was 63 when he “died” in August. That didn’t keep him from winning 71% of the vote for King County Water District 54 last week. Meanwhile, in the city of Aberdeen, John Erak, 81, was running for city council when he died of an illness. However, after death, he still campaigned well enough to get 53% of the vote.
In some Asian countries it’s common practice to preserve snakes, scorpions and other deadly foes in wine or liquor. Some cultures believe the concoction holds medicinal powers. Others just think drinking it makes them look like a badass.
A woman in China got neither such effect when she opened a bottle of snake wine to add a bit more hootch into the bottle, when the snake inside slithered out and bit her. Keep in mind this thing had been in the bottle for at least three months.
The woman survived the snake bite, and is being held in a local hospital in case she turns into a zombie.
Zombies, as we’ve been trying to tell you for years now, do exist. They may not be right beside you, but they’re everywhere. Take for instance Germany.
A woman involved in a car crash was taken to the morgue and declared dead. D-E-D-D dead. While making his rounds, an employee noticed something odd: the woman was breathing. Avoiding being bitten, the employee proceeded to notify those in charge, who safely transported the zombie woman to a hospital, where she remains in coma, also known as the stasis period between living flesh-eater and zombie flesh-eater.
It needs to be pointed out that the difference between the two is living and zombie because Germany.
When we look back on how the zombie apocalypse happened, we may find out that it all began on the streets of Moscow. Not even the iron fist of Vladimir Putin was able to stop it, because he doesn’t control the pigeons.
“Zombie” pigeons are walking through the city, and they just might be coming for you, comrade. The normally skittish birds are walking around despondent. They don’t fly away when someone walks by. They have their heads down, and they don’t seem to notice anything else. In other words, it’s like they’re on their smartphones.
Scientists believe the birds have Newcastle disease, which causes them to lose their sense of direction and balance before they die. The worst part is that scientists say it can transferred to humans.
Sarah McCallum of St. Jacob, Illinois had no idea that her yard contained an ancient Native American burial ground, so it seemed completely logical to bury Muffin, the family cat, on the property.
Muffin was found unconscious and unresponsive one day. No breathing, no heartbeat. Dead. It was time to put the old pet in the ground. So she put the cat in a box, taped it up and buried it before her kids got home. Bradley, her six-year-old son, wanted to put a flower on Muffin’s grave, but when he went to the grave site, Muffin was meowing from underground.
Muffin didn’t stay dead. Sarah quickly dug up the cat, which so far has not attempted to kill them all. Seemingly oblivious to the fact that Muffin has come back, but come back a little bit evil, the family continues to play with their favorite pet — for now.