Category: Zombies

Zombies versus Jack Bauer

Yar! I never be someone who watched 24. I always be thinking the show be just extremely ridiculous, and that’s me saying that (just yesterday at work, aboard my vessel, I be telling quite a tale about a robot that runs around dispensing hyper-ebola). All I know about 24 is that Jack Bauer be seemingly as invincible as the Flying Dutchman and that he works for a counter-terrorism group. Also, Aisha Tyler (mmmm, Aisha Tyler be quite a tasty wench).

I can now successfully say that Jack Bauer’s counter-terrorism group, even with Aisha Tyler, be a group o’ landlubbers. The most awesome counter-terrorism group be officially HALO Corp., located out of San Diego (known to many a water-bearing vessel as Whale’s Vagina).

On Halloween, HALO will be taking on zombies. And it will not be a drill.

Actually, aye, it be a drill, but that’s okay. Part of a counter-terrorism summit, the future-training for their employees is being done in order to save human lives. It’s that kind of serious thinking and planning that brings a proud tear to my eye.

He finally got a piece of braaaaaaains

Sherman Hemsley died over a month ago–but did he stay that way?

It was July 24 when the famous actor departed the Earth. His passing was mourned across the nation, nay, across the world. It was time to celebrate the life of a seminal actor of the 1970s and an African-American icon. Yet here it is, over a month later, and Hemsley’s body has yet to be buried.

The mainstream media will tell you that there is a squabble in the courts over who is the rightful heir to his estate, but that’s only if you’re willing to believe the lie.

Why hasn’t Hemsley been buried? Because they can’t find the body. Right now, George Jefferson is shambling the streets of El Paso, Texas, where he died, with an insatiable thirst for human flesh. It’s time the lid was blown off this story, folks: Sherman Hemsley is a zombie.

The walkers are going for the White House

They may not be alive, but they are still political animals. For years, we’ve documented zombies trying to take over our democratic republic by holding the electoral process hostage, but we’ve never seen such a brazen attempt.

The zombies are running one of their own for president. Mr. A. Zombie (no relation to Rob) is running on a pro-zombie platform, along with his runningmate Noah Pulse. Nice try, walkers, but John Kerry’s defeat in 2004 proves that the American voter will always choose the candidate who is still human.

Have fun traveling the friendly, but dead skies

Luckily enough, zombies tend to be a ground based problem. Sure, we spend the majority of our time on the ground, but hey, as long as we’re not there, perhaps in the sky instead, that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

Except now we’re giving them plane tickets.

A Swedish woman was recently given a refund of 50 percent of her plane ticket after spending her flight beside a corpse. Her seatmate, a mysterious man from Kenya, had been sweating and convulsing through the beginning of their flight to Tanzania, when after the flight had taken off, the man died.

How this man, a person who was clearly suffering from the effects of the Solanum, was allowed to buy a ticket, much less admitted onto the plane, thus putting all of the passengers and potentially more people below in danger, we’ll never know.

Night of the Douchey Dead

Alright, people of the Internet. We’ve called this meeting because it’s time for us to settle once and for all what zombies are. We believe we can all agree that, technically:

1. A person who eats faces, but is not dead, is a cannibal. [NOT A ZOMBIE]

2. A person who cuts out their own guts and throws them at the police, but again is not dead, is one of the Gang of Four. [NOT A ZOMBIE]

3. A person who hits someone with their car and then zaps them with a stun gun, but is not only not dead, but also arrested, is [NOT A ZOMBIE], no matter what their vanity license plate may claim.

Glad we could settle this. Rage on.

Zombie plague hits Egypt

“Finnegan’s Wake” by James Joyce is widely regarded as one of the greatest novels ever written. It is also considered by many to the the first account of zombies in Ireland. Well, it looks like the plague has spread to Egypt.

Last week, 28-year-old Hamdi Hafez al-Nubi was waiting tables when he suffered a heart attack and died. His family took his body home and prepared arrangements for his funeral. A doctor was called to the house to declare the man dead, the only problem was that he didn’t stay dead.

The man awakened, we assume, to begin feasting on the flesh of the living, but the so-called media refuses to cover that side of the story.

Zombies won’t see us coming … or will they?

It’s taken a few years to gain steam, but the zombie preparedness movement is finally in full swing.

One enterprising gun enthusiast has been selling specialty zombie targets and ammunition for practice. The paper targets can be equipped with squibs that will either run or squirt blood when shot. His biggest sellers? Your run of the mill teen girl, “Becky,” who was probably zombified mid-texting, and “Zombiladin,” who has already faced down Navy Seals, steel-jawed dogs, crabs and swimmer’s ear to retake Manhattan.

An the Philippines has embraced the zombie run, in which participants run a 5K fraught with zombies who crave flags. One zombie participant lures in runners by dancing to “Thriller,” training future survivalists to resist to draw of zombie flash mobs.

But, aren’t we really training future zombies? After all, with the exception of Bin Ladin, it’s not like zombies just appear out of nowhere. They’re your friends and neighbors, which is what makes them truly terrifying. If you really want to prepare for the Zombipocalypse, take notes on the living. If they don’t bring back your hedge trimmer, then you know your brains are next.

The poll of the living dead

A lot of concern has been expressed by the public in recent months about Super PACs and their ability to influence elections. But we’re not here to bore you with all of that nonsense. There’s a far more sinister force at work, trying to hijack our Democratic Republican system and everything we hold dear: zombies.

According to the Pew Center on the States (so you know we’re not talking out of our asses), approximately 1.8 million registered voters are actually dead. On top of that, 2.75 million voters are registered in more than one state. So that means that some of these zombies not only have the power to vote, but they also have the power to commit voter fraud.

Uncle Sam, it’s time to grab your shotgun.

Enter the zombees

The threat posed by animals is very much like that posed in a zombie invasion scenario, there’s more of them than us, and there’s just no reasoning with them. But what’s worse is when animals become zombies, specifically, bees.

A parasite detected in several bee colonies in California causes a bee turn into a zombie and leave the hive and start flying toward bright lights. Sure, they aren’t real zombies because they don’t feast on the flesh of fellow bees, but it’s pretty close. These zombees are part of the reason why there’s an ongoing shortage of bee colonies across the country.

Also, this isn’t the first time we’ve heard about zombie insects. Our prediction is that we find zombie praying mantises next.

The end of a quiet era?

As the nation’s parents, teachers, daycare-providers and Gwyneth Paltrows finished nursing off their post-New Year’s hangovers, they found their first crisis of 2012: we’re running out of ADHD medication.

Pharmacies are unable to keep up with growing demand for Adderall and Ritalin due to rising prescription numbers (18 million Adderall prescriptions in 2010 alone), DEA restrictions on surplus production of the controlled substance and drug manufacturers’ hesitance to provide generics when their namebrand designers drugs are more expensive.

Members of the child-interacting community are nervous, wondering how they will be able to stimulate undrugged children in the future should this problem continue unabated.