Do not distribute unlicensed scumbags

There are a lot of reasons to watch the Olympics: witnessing the pinnacel of human athletic achievement, the pagentry of the opening ceremony and the inexplicable judging by the French and Russians. But, there’s one reason that the IOC has tried to keep under wraps this entire time: sex-crazed top form athletes!

Ever since the Barcelona games in 1992, Olympics organizers have distributed free condoms throughout the Olympic village because, when that many sets of abs rub together, a lubricated piece of latex is the only thing preventing a brush fire. And, so far? It’s worked. Most of the athletes have been able to return every four years without flashing herpes sores at Bob Costas.

But, let the London Games organizers assure you: unlicensed prophylactic distribution will not be tolerated, especially of some freaky Australian brand that may or may not be made of kangaroo pouches.