Does whatever a spider says

Our animal foes are no strangers to the most dastardly of battle plans. They have been known to strike at civilians, even children, when least expecting. But now they have taken things one step further: mind control.

An Australian man was bitten by a spider, which did not give him superpowers, in fact, it gave him an illness. That illness, the man said, led him to rape a woman. The courts didn’t buy it, and the man was convicted. Keep this in mind, everyone: the spider bite defense no longer works. We need better legal president to deal with this new threat. Where is John Peter Zenger when you need him?

What? A story involving rape can’t be funny? References too obscure?