Duke students’ asses really are pampered

It’s nearly March, or Mental Illness Month, which is the perfect time to remember why Duke University is the worst school in the world.

When the students come back from spring break later this semester, their asses will feel better. That’s right, the school is switching from rough one-ply toilet paper to softer two-ply due to student complaints. Dookies are so entitled that they think that college toilet paper is supposed to be comfortable.

When The Guys were in college, the toilet paper was comparable to sandpaper. Nothing is more effective than sanding away the dingleberries.