As mentioned already by Bryan McBournie, this week marks the 100th anniversary of the sinking of Titanic. Or, as I like to call it, the greatest upset in sports’ history (I had to have this tie in somehow)! The odds were against the iceberg, nothing could stop the unsinkable ship, that is until the iceberg, in a stunning last-minute comeback, found the Titanic’s Achilles’s heal. Now, like all great sports stories, naturally there had to be a movie made about this historic defeat. Enter James Cameron. Now, all I’m all for artistic license, but Cameron and his group of miscreant actors went to far.
Let me explain.
First off, let it be said that I actually like the film Titanic. I was 15 when that movie came out, and when you’re dependent on your parents driving you and your girlfriend everywhere, a three-hour make-out session at the local movie theater was an effective escape that bought you the most time. High-school relationships aside, the movie doesn’t lag, it’s fairly compelling, and you get to see Leonardo Di Caprio freeze to death in the Mid-Atlantic. But here is where Cameron made the Titanic’s bout with ice historically inaccurate.
Rose was a stupid forward wench
Let’s chew on what actually happens to Rose during this whole adventure: She’s not even 20, engaged to Cal, a wealthy millionaire with connections everywhere, the guy showers her in the biggest diamonds and expensive art, provides her with a bright, wealthy future and presumably the best room on the ship.
What does this chick do? She leaves the guy not even 45 minutes into the film for the first peasant she meets on the boat. Leo is sleeping with the ship rats, can’t even afford his own smokes, but oh, wait, he’s an artist who draws French whores! Yes! This makes all the sense in the world that you should go sleep with the first bankrupt commoner you meet who can wield a pencil and abandon your family and extremely wealthy future! This is why we had an uprising in teenage pregnancy from 1997 on.
Titanic boat, mediocre security
Anyone else notice how Leo and his immigrant friend just hop on the boat five minutes before it takes off? I’m no security official, but my wife was almost not allowed on an airplane because we put her old middle name down instead of her new married one. you’re telling me that back then they didn’t check anything? In my opinion, if security really was that slack on the ship, that thing deserved to go down.
Infidelity never wins, Bobby Petrino
What was the moral of Cameron’s version of the story? You cheat on Billy Zane, everyone dies for your sins.
No sooner do Jack and Rose get it on in a Model T, than does the ship go kablooey! Rose cheats on Cal (who still has a very promising Zoolander cameo on the horizon), then all of a sudden, “Oh ####, iceberg.” Fate had nothing to do with this, according to Cameron, we’d still be celebrating this monstrosity had Rose not gotten it on with Jack in probably the most uncomfortable car sex ever.
I know that in films we are supposed to sit back and enjoy movies for the escape they provide us. But when you go see Titanic in 3-D, seriously question why, oh why did Cameron have to forsake Billy Zane, the Model T and national security?