Hello, I’m legendary SeriouslyWriter Bryan Schools. I don’t quite know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal, people know me.
And people who know SG know Booze News. People who know Booze News, tend to drink and people who tend to drink tend know good booze, but unfortunately, due to a bad economy and general low standards, they also know bad booze. Kind of like sports has the cream of the crop, and then the cream of the crap, there’s good, there’s bad, and that my friends inspired my horrible idea for a column to compare the best and worst teams of each of the major pro sports … to brands of booze (and in no way was I drinking a vodka Red Bull and Mountain Dew when I wrote this, nor was it Smirnoff, the Denver Nuggets of alcohol).
MLB
The Best: New York Yankees
Booze Equivalent: Grey Goose
Ah, the Goose. Sure, it’s a good vodka, much like the Yankees are a good baseball team. But also like the Yankees, the Goose is greedy. You see, while it may be a good vodka, the price has just gone up and up, and for the most part all vodkas taste the same once combined with a mixer, unless it’s in a martini, an A-Rod favorite. In the end you can’t justify the product simply because of the price.
The Worst: Washington Nationals
Booze Equivalent: Aristocrat Vodka
Aristocrat sucks and so do the Nationals. But baseball is entertaining to watch at any level, regardless of how bad the franchise is. And Aristocrat, isn’t too bad once you’ve diluted it with enough soda.
NBA
The Best: Los Angeles Lakers
Booze Equivalent: Patron Tequila
This is much like the Grey Goose argument. Everybody loves Patron. All the ill-informed drinkers and douchebag frat boys think it’s awesome just because of the name. Herego Los Angeles Lakers. The Lakers won the title last year because a healthy Boston squad unfortunately wasn’t able to be put on the floor. The Lakers are a mirage, yoou think their good, but all it is in the end is price and flashiness.
The Worst: Los Angeles Clippers
Booze Equivalent: Rubbing alcohol
Have you ever watched the Clippers play? Drinking Clorox is a better idea. Kind of like going out for a night of drinking rubbing alcohol screwdrivers.
NHL
The Best: Detroit Red Wings
Booze Equivalent: Sam Adams
Whenever I think of hockey, I think of being at the game. And no other sport screams beer nearly as much as hockey. You can argue football, but read on and you’ll understand why I chose a different one for that.
sam Adams is consistently good. No matter what season it is, you know that you are getting a quality product that delivers on every smooth sip you take. The Red Wings whether they win the Stanley Cup or not are an impactful team every year. They may not be the finalist, but you’re positive that they impacted who did finish. And that is an every year scenario, but we’ll forgive them for last year’s choke against the Penguins, their own personal version of Sam Adams Cherry Wheat.
The Worst: Minnesota Wild
Booze Equivalent: Steel Reserve
McBournie once brought me four cans of Steel Reserve for my birthday. It was disgusting, but we were poor and had nothing else to drink. It tasted like drinking metal, and didn’t do the job. this makes me think of the Wild.
NFL
The Best: Pittsburgh Steelers
Booze Equivalent: Jack Daniels
Football requires a man drink. And there is no manlier drink than whiskey, and quite frankly there’s no manlier whiskey than Jack Daniel’s. It has a certain musk to it, but it’s smooth. Much like the Steelers who despite being a rough around the edges team from a cursory glance, always are smooth, never disappoint and always finish strong.
I’m not gonna lie, that last paragraphy made me thirsty.
The Worst: Washington Redskins
Booze Equivalent: Nyquil
Either one will put you to sleep, and if you have to much of either one, it will kill you.
Top five games you can bet on this week:
5. Pittsburgh steelers (pick ’em) over Cincinnati Bengals
Who dey?
4. Denver Broncos (pick ’em) over Washington Redskins
Who the #### is responsible for this line? The bye-week beat the Redskins.
3. New England Patroits (+3) over Indianapolis Colts
You gonna stop giving me crap now, McBournie?
2. Kansas City Chiefs (+1) over Oakland Raiders
It’s a rare case in the NFl when you can lose your best RB, and that actually makes you a better football team.
1. Cleveland Browns (+11) over Baltimore Ravens
Call me crazy (and I probably am) but this has all the makings of a national laughing stock for Baltimore.
Last week: 3-2
The season: 21-18-1
SeriouslyLions ’09 (7-1)
Change you can believe in
Week 9: W 45-10 at Seattle Seahawks
Schools: 11-20 196 yards 2 TD, 1 rush 30 yards
McB: 11 rush 95 yards 2 TD, 1 rec 16 yards, 3 KR 142 yards TD, 3 PR 45 yards
Julie: 2 rec 54 yards TD
Rick: 4 tckl, sack
Chugs: 1-1 FG long of 45, 6-6 XP
SeriouslyPowerRankings
5. New England Patriots (6-2)
Bill Belichek Big Brother is watching you.
4. Minnesota Vikings (7-1)
Brett Favre cried in a postgame interview after his victory over the bye-week.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)
Did you know that Jerome Bettis was from Detroit?
2. Indianapolis Colts (8-0)
The annual Peyton Manning/Tom Brady Bowl is back. Manning misses game on account of murmuring something about decaf and Charlie.
1. New Orleans Saints (8-0)
Why can’t you be good when I predict you to be? Like say about 14 months ago when I predicted you’d be in the Super Bowl.