Eat My Sports: Bring it, Madden

I am challenging John Maddden. No, not to a game of Scrabble, or a game of who can drop “boom” more times in a five minute conversation. No kids, this year, we here at SG are challenging the video game, to see how they can handle us.

Playing as your favorite team gets lame after a while, Bryan McBournie himself has even admitted to there being a limit as to how much he can take of Tom Brady’s digital butt. So you need to kick it up a notch, give the game a little spark. You need to create a team of you and your friends as “create-a-players” with perfect ratings, and see if Madden has the cajones to keep up with you.

McBournie and I are masters of this. Throughout college we perfected the QB/RB combo by designing a shotgun offense that allowed my golden arm and toned legs to plow through any defense like Lindsay Lohan and Misha Barton tag-teaming a 10-lb eight ball. This year however, SG will take on Madden. And we will keep you posted of the results, but before we update you every week. Here is our lineup, as we will make the Detroit Lions a playoff team. Why Detroit? We told you already, we like the shotgun.

Rick Snee-Middle Linebacker
Why would we put a docile, happily married wine drinker in the single most important defensive position? Because we’ve seen Snee angry, you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Before every snap, we will inform pixelated Snee that the other team is a bunch of Brits in disguise, has kidnapped his family and will prevent Zac Efron from making any future films, and it is up to him, and only him to stop them. His love for Ireland and Efron’s perfectly coifed hair will make the Lions the most feared defensive unit since they were allowed to serve steroids for breakfast at training camps.

Chris Taylor-Kicker
No one can overstate the value of a good kicking game. Taylor will be an All-Pro and make several clutch kicks, during blowout games on the Rookie difficulty level. Taylor’s dedication to football might be questioned, however we will threaten him with watching “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” in 10 hour blocks for every kick he misses.

Bryan McBournie-Running Back
McBournie has a way with words, women and darting through defenses like Finch b-lining for the bathroom in “American Pie.” The Lions will have trouble signing McBournie, as his diva ways have him holding out in hopes that Jack Daniel’s gets an NFL franchise and makes the distillery into a stadium. However the time-tested combo of having Bryan Schools option routing McBournie into just going deep every passing play will have him on the way to NFL glory.

Bryan Schools-Quarterback
Matthew Stafford be damned! My game, I get the glory. After a lengthy five-year absence, Schools returns to the game to re-unite with McBournie, feel the camaraderie, pay off his debts for a failed bar franchise and to know what it’s like to have Kid Rock don his jersey at a home game. Schools is a double threat, as his pinpoint accuracy drives defensive backs crazy enough to walk backwards at an Aerosmith concert, but his ability to take off running with 99 speed and his “don’t worry guys, I got it” attitude makes a Detroit title a virtual (literally) lock. I will make no apologizes for betting losses when Schools gets injured on a QB draw that leaves Daunte Culpepper as the best available option.

Julie Snee-Wide Receiver
She designs the site, so she gets the design of the offense. Sorry Rick, I know it’s your wife, but I need a target to make up for Detroit’s uncanny ability to turn any receiver into a draft bust. Snee is frustrated by Snee’s decision to take them away from their happy family life, and take them straight into the heart of America’s live gun show. We will place a photograph of a toilet seat in the upright position with Snee giving a thumbs up and that smile he does when he looks like Mr. Skin from “Knocked Up” in the corner of every end zone. Snee’s desire to exact revenge will lead to at least 20 touchdowns and weekly steroid testing by Week 8.

Weekly updates on the SeriouslyLions will take place during the season at the end of each EMS. Next year, we take on the Bungles.