Eat My Sports: Call it in the air

A bird pooped on my car this week. My week is usually filled with strange things happening, however this week started with a bird letting one fly on my window. So, needless to say, I’m feeling lucky. Despite the fact that I have absolutely NO Italian heritage, I learned this week that it is a sign of good luck, this is according to Italians, for those finding it hard to keep up.

I am going to have to give due credit here, I had no idea that flying excrement was a sign of good luck until I was finishing up reading Bill Simmons’ Now I Can Die In Peace. Ironically enough, both of us were thinking of the Sox at the time of impact by flying bird poo, weird.

I wasn’t thinking of another playoff run or anything like that, one thing the past few years has taught me is to be appreciative, not greedy with your team winning it all. I would tell New Yorkers to take my advice, but the curse of 2000 is still haunting you, may your misery be your guide.

I was thinking more along the lines of not to expect anything, it is a 162-game season. I mean for all we know Jamie-Lynn Spears could pop out her kid and get preggers again, point being: anything can happen. So logically this leads to …

Why I am going picking my predictions for divisional winners! So in roughly seven months we can either look back at my genius (remember the Super Bowl? Thought so) or lament my mistakes.

NL East
The Washington Nationals and Atlanta Braves look to be in an “almost there” phase right now. Tom Glavine’s return to Atlanta will go just about as well as Van Halen’s five minute reunion at the 1996 MTV Video Music Awards, coupled with the loss of Andruw Jones and the injury to Mike Hampton, there simply isn’t enough pitching or hitting to make this team finish within sniffing distance of the New York Mets or Philadelphia Phillies. The Nationals are still enough of a new novelty where fans will forgive another sub-.500 season, but not for too much longer.

I hate to say that a team’s success will hinge all on one player, but that is exactly the position the Mets have put themselves in. Either Johan Santana will raise his level back up to his Cy Young caliber seasons (55-19 from 2004-2006) and push this team over the hump, or another round of his pedestrian 2007 season with Minnesota (15-13) will have the Metorpolitans choking harder than Latrell Spreewell (P.S.: Is this an outdated joke? Does anyone remember him?).

The Philadelphia Phillies have been putting together a nice squad the past two years. The Cornerstone of course being Ryan Howard. The guy hits the ball harder than Bobby and Whitney hit a pipe. Brad Lidge will be their “X” factor this year he’s either dominating everyone, or watching pitchers launch moonshots over center field.

Notice I did not mention the Marlins until now, this team is a joke, aren’t they due to by another World Series team then dismantle it again?
The safe bet: Philadelphia Phillies
The guts call: New York Mets

NL Central
This is probably the most questionable division in baseball, but sadly, not for talent, more for questions. Are the Cubbies finally due? Can Albert Pujols (still the best name in baseball) hold up for the season or will he have an early exit for Tommy John Surgery? Can the Pirates win anything? Does Cincinnati still have a team?

All questions, no solid answers. The Reds will more than likely suffer another year in baseball purgatory, while the Pirates will continue to man the eighth circle of hell. Milwaukee showed enough spunk last year to make it interesting, but I think this will be more of the same, this team will fade in September worse than the final hour of Superbad. With the Astros it could be any number of outcomes, though the most likely is new acquisition Miguel Tejada will be trying a new marketing campaign to have the team re-named the HGHouston Astros, while having his jersey changed to B-12.

This leaves us with St. Louis and Chicago. Neither team is going to scare anybody with their pitching. Each team has one consistent bat (Pujols and Alfonso Soriano) with more question marks and HGH accusations than anything else, I’m looking at you, Rick Ankiel.
The safe bet: Chicago Cubs
The guts call: Milwaukee Brewers

NL West
This is like asking who you would want to see win a wet t-shirt contest between Monique and post-Cheers Kristy Alley. You really don’t want to watch, too many rolls, too many jiggles that make you wonder if it is legal to be watching it, then in the end it looks like a giant mound of pudding. Except it’s not funny, and Bill Cosby is not there to endorse it. Welcome to your 2008 NL West!!! Do I really need to go through teams after this? Too bad, we’re not.
The safe bet: Los Angeles Dodgers
The guts call: San Francisco Giants

AL East
This is a case of the good, the bad and the ugly.
The good: Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees
New York gets a nod solely because Baltimore and Tampa Bay have the combined chances of my sister taking on Shaq in a game of one-on-one basketball. Boston is the class of this division, if they stay healthy.
The bad: Toronto Blue Jays
Name one player. There you go.
The ugly: Baltimore Orioles and Tampa Bay Rays
I wish I may, I wish I might find a major-league caliber player on either of these teams in sight.
The safe bet: Boston Red Sox
The guts call: Boston Red Sox (I won’t even give NY the satisfaction of saying they have an icees’ chance in hell. That’s right, an icee. Chew on that one.)

AL Central
Everyone is thinking Detroit this year, and I am tempted to agree except for one tiny problem: pitching. Detroit has two quality starters in Justin Verlander and Dontrelle Willis, outside of that, it’s a blind hope that the Tigers can score seven runs a game. The Indians return almost a full staff from a team that came within one great choke of getting to the World Series. The team is good, they just weren’t ready.

Chicago White Sox skipper Ozzie Guillen has said that he would run around the streets of Chicago naked if the White Sox won the Series again, for the Windy City’s sake, let’s hope they don’t come close. (There is a joke somewhere in that sentence about a windsock, I’m just not sure where) I wish I had something positive to say about either Kansas City or Minnesota, but I don’t.
The safe bet: Detroit Tigers
The guts call: Chicago White Sox

AL West
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, there I saved you three paragraphs of explaining how pathetic this division is.

Top five things that annoy me in sports this week:
5. Houston Rockets
Nothing personal, but they have a longer winning streak (19) than the Knicks have total wins (18) all season.
4. Billy Crystal
I thought you were a Mets fan? Sellout.
3. CAA Tournament
It’s nice having George Mason back, but VCU was a threat to go deep into the tournament.
2. Scott Stapp
This is relevant I swear. Up until finishing Now I Can Die in Peace, I had completely blocked out Scott Stapp singing in game four of the 2004 World Series. How does this stuff happen? Why do the biggest sporting events warrant bringing out THE LAMEST musician or flavor of the week you can get? Why was Creed ever popular? Did he really have a sex tape with Kid Rock? Why didn’t they just get those two for Brokeback Mountain?
1. …
I can’t top that last one, I’m done ranting for the week.

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