Bryan Schools is still learning what it’s like to go the rest of his life without sex, so I’m filling in for him this week. Here’s “Take These Sports from Snee and Eat Them.”
I’m not about to say that the entire sporting world is in trouble. But, certain teams and players could use a–ahem–boost:
That was the stands from last night’s Baltimore/Kansas City game at Camden Yard. Granted, it had rained all day and night, but even if you lived next door, would you bother to attend to watch the Orioles and the Royals? The title card alone sounds like it was pronounced by Foghorn Leghorn after a stroke.
They’re not alone. Detroit fans were already hesitant to spend money of Lions games, but now they’re abandoning the city and surrounding suburbs. How do you justify spending cash (we assume they still sell tickets) to a Kid Rock crowd?
You give them exactly why they watch Syfy and USA, and it’s not for Eureka or Psych; it’s for professional wrestling.
No, don’t make the Golden State Warriors wrestle. I mean, incorporate the elements that have made professional wrestling the Recession-proof titan of televised sports [entertainment]. It’ll just take a few manly touches, like …
More ‘roids, less shirts
Baseball quietly experimented with steroids in the 1990s and 2000s to reinvigorate their sport, and guess what? It f#@king worked.
Or, at least it did until some Sally Spillbeanses couldn’t keep their tell-all books shut.
This is similar to professional wrestling’s longstanding problem of steroid abuse not being a sport. Sure, you have to be fit and the moves are tough, but the same goes for dancing, and dancing isn’t a sport because it–like wrestling–is choreographed.
For years, wrestling fans had to hide their Hulk Hogan posters, which only made them seem gayer for keeping pictures of oiled naked men under their mattresses. All because when their friends found out, they’d sneer and say, “Wrestling’s fake!”
Wrestling finally helped its fans by announcing it was no longer “real,” but “sports entertainment.” It’s not a sport; it’s entertainment in the form of a bastardized sport. It’s like how the dance fights in West Side Story aren’t real, they’re “knife entertainment.”
If baseball (and other sports) would just embrace steroids, fans wouldn’t have to pay lipservice by trashing guys like Ortiz just to watch the Sox. Everyone knows we still love to watch the behemoth send them out of the park (when he actually makes contact), so why cluck like he’s the senior class whore?
Why are they playing today?
What are the most watched matches every year? The big rivalry games. Casual fans who haven’t watched all year know the history, the upsets and what is at stake in what are really normal games: Army/Navy, Alabama/Auburn and Redskins vs. Cowboys (in which they fight to stay out of last in the NFC East).
But what about the other games? The Redskins annually “play” 14 games against teams that aren’t Dallas. Where’s the pathos when they’re playing the goddamn Seahawks?
And what about baseball, where not only do the Red Sox expect you to care about every single one of their 162 games, but to treat every time they play the Yankees like the ALCS is on the line?
Wrestling had the same problem. When a fan tunes in to wrestling, it’s a given that he (or she) will see two or more people knock each other around. But, to the casual viewer, it’s “senseless violence.” However, these same people don’t consider Rocky or Braveheart senseless because we see them fall in love, make alliances and then put their body on the line when love and alliances are threatened.
And that’s where you get the wrestling feud, which may extend to legendary lengths or last up until the next pay-per-view event. Every match is just one errant chair swing from a card change. Every leap from the top turnbuckle could mean the end of an adoption proceeding or the beginning of a new t-shirt line.
The point is, even though there may not be grand stakes that affect the entire division, each fighter brings his his (or her) own personal stakes into the ring to be settled once and not necessarily for all.
It’s not a new concept. The Olympics does this for every event, especially for stupid ones like ice dancing and ping pong. Every competitor is playing for something, whether it’s a one-legged father or the gold medal that wasn’t last games.
And, that’s why the NBA needs to exploit the rumor that Delonte West banged LeBron James’ mom. It’s time to give the Cavaliers a rival and trade West to them immediately. Keeping them together will just create a potential Top Gun rivalry, and there’s not enough time in basketball to settle that with sand volleyball.
They work for English papers and wrestling; they could only help sports.
You know how hard it is to remember the name of the girl you just slept with? It didn’t help that you had been drinking, and it only came up once during that critical two run base hit. Plus, it was spelled funny and she might not have spoken English.
Now multiply that by an entire team. Two teams if you actually fill out one of those scorecards during the game.
You know whose name you never forget, though? The girl who’s named after exactly what she does. If Oral Annie’s finishing move is The Blowjob, that’s a name that will stick out like Tits O’Hoolihan’s Top Hat Nipples.
I’m just saying that cool nicknames could help keep track of all the Smiths, LTs, Dantes, Martinezes and Ichiros out there. And also for girls we meet at bars.