Eat My Sports: Eli does Dallas

“Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the most talented team of all-time. A quarterback who can’t distinguish a locked-in safety from Jessica Simpson’s boobs, a receiver who drops more balls and complains like Kendra when she can’t fit into a “booty-outfit” in an episode of The Girls Next Door, a coach who looks like an old version of Michael Moore … on a bender, and an owner who frightens little children like Skeletor. They didn’t even have to make it to the playoffs, much less win a game, no, they were Super Bowl Champs before Hard Knocks even airred back in the summer. They didn’t even need to be Wild Cards. Cause folks, they’re just that damn good. Your 2008 World Champion, Dallas Cowboys!!!”
-Roger Goodell 2/1/2009

That hammering sound you Cowboys fans are hearing these days is the final nail going into the coffin of your 2008 season. And judging by the way Eli Manning and the New York Giants just laid down the law on Sunday, it appears as if the paper champs are going down without a fight, whisper or final lifting of the finger. And guess what, the only people that are sad about it are Cowboys fans and the oddsmakers in Vegas. That’s right Dallas, Elisha is putting you to rest.

A team built around superstars is destined to fail. Exhibit A: 2000 Washington Redskins. You can’t have a team exist and be happy with too many egos. You can look at each of these stars and point out their problem:
Tony Romo-Would rather be a celebrity than an All-Pro QB.
Terrell Owens-Primadona.
Pacman Jones-Walking lawsuit.
Jerry Jones-Walking Botox.
Wade Phillips-Gutless.
Jason Witten-In love with Romo.
Marion “The Barbarian” Barber-In love with Conan.
Brad Johnson-Needs to be in a home.
Big D-Spells “Defense” efense.

They waltzed into this year like the Lombardi trophy was theirs for the taking. And so did all the sports writers. It was a lock. Kind of like Playboy offering Lindsay Lohan an 8-ball to do a pictorial in about two years, it was going to happen. Now ESPN, SPorts Illustrated and just about anyone with a media outlet sports opinion (except for me, because I called this back in Week 2) is trying to backpedal on calling them the champs before a down was even played. Trust me guys, there is a reason this team has failed in the most spectacular fashion the past few years, they just don’t have “it.”

Now at 5-4, the Boys are looking more like a high draft pick in 2009 as opposed to hoisting the final award in February. Can they regroup? Sure. Will they? You’d have better luck finding Oprah at Jenny Craig. Should we feel sorry for them? The glitz glamour and Owens’ tears should make us sympathize for the team everyone should hate, justifiably. No. Don’t feel bad. In fact, laugh and point at them. Call them idiots and that they are getting what they deserve. Call your Cowboys friend and askn him what the cellar tastes like. Cause if you don’t, then what’s the point?

Top five (six, makeup game) games you can bet on next week:
5. (From Week 2) Houston Texans over Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore’s D can only go but so far, and no combination of Troy Smith and Joe Flacco will carry them the rest of the way.
4. Carolina Panthers over Oakland Raiders
If ANY of you can offer me one good reason as to why the Raiders deserve to be a NFL franchise, much less win a game, I will send you a SG shirt. Panthers 41-(-3).
3. Cleveland Browns over Denver Broncos
Call it a hunch, but I think Brady Quinn is going to go nuts when he sees all of those holes in Denver’s secondary. Denver, this is where your season comes to a halt. Browns 24-17.
2. Chicago Bears over Tennessee Titans
It’s the matchup you’ve all been waiting for! Rex Grossman against Kerry “Tom” Collins. If you want horrible QB play, we’ve got it! If you want to suffer the most boring three hours of football this year, it’s done. If you want to see a 10-3 Bears win, welcome home,
1a. New York Jets over St. Louis Rams
If Brett Favre starts listening to reason as opposed to throwing a ball into triple coverage while on his back, this could be a blowout. Jets 21-17.
1b. Miami Dolphins over Seattle Seahawks
Am I really picking Miami every week? What year is it? Dolphins 30-20.
Last week: 4-1
The season: 21-18

SeriouslyPowerRankings
5. Chicago Bears (5-3)
We’ll see if a dream season can turn into a nightmare again with Grossman.
4. Carolina Panthers (6-2)
Nice first half of the season should meet a nice second half with a Week 10 game against Oakland. Start believing.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)
A real championship team can win because someone will step up, no matter who they lose. No one has done more with less this year than Pittsburgh.
2. Tennessee Titans (8-0)
How can they drop in a win? Let’s just say this team has “bust” written all over it.
1. New York Giants (7-1)
This team wasn’t lying when they said they were still hungry, they were famished. Point blank: this team looks better than anyone in any week right now. They dominate. The Titans just kind of float on by.