Alright, so the roiding scandal of one Alex Rodriguez has been out in the public for roughly a week and a half. And while the Yankees slugger is getting rightfully grilled by every media outlet, a few (*cough* ESPN, *cough* Peter Gammons) are letting A-Rod off the hook by not digging deeper into a story, or by tossing him up a creampuff question that he can slam easier than those 156 steroid-infused home runs at Texas.
So, sure the Material Boy hasn’t given us the answers we’re craving, though he did finally realize that frosted tips are sooooooooo 2001. I am here to give you the true words behind his vague answers in hopes that I can truly help you understand what it’s like to be a baseball player with lipstick.
“My cousin and I, one, more ignorant than the other, decided it was a good idea to start taking it. My cousin would administer it to me, but neither of us knew how to use it properly. Providing just how ignorant we both were. It was at this point we decided to take it twice a month for about six months.”
Before I go into this, read that above statement again. I laughed for about a good solid fifteen minutes after repeating it to myself.
Translation: My stupid friend, I mean Jose Canse–I mean my cousin gave me some steroids, told me how to use them and how to administer them. Sure I knew what it was, but if I tell you that it’s one of my Latin cousins, you’ll just forget that I ever mentioned it.
“I didn’t think they were steroids.”
Translation: OK guys, you caught me, of course I knew they were steroids, but if I tell you I didn’t know, you’ll just let it slide kind of like how Barry didn’t know what he was having shoved into his butt.
“All these years I never thought I did anything wrong.”
Translation: I mean, I thought you guys accepted drug use as well as choking in October, that’s why I excelled at both!
“When I arrived in Texas in 2001 I felt an enormous amount of pressure, I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me, and I needed I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day. Back then it was a different culture, it was very loose, I was young, I was stupid, I was naive.”
Translation: Let me tell you something, Peter, you have no idea how much pressure there is playing on a last place team in Texas. I mean, you think New York is tough, the pressure on playing for the most successful franchise in baseball was nothing compared to the playoff-less atmosphere in Texas. And when I tell you that I know about a loose culture and being stupid, hey man, I dated Madonna, so if anybody knows loose and stupid, it’s me.
“I love Andy like a brother.”
Translation: I don’t mean I love him like a real brother, but more like a Bash Brother.
“The truth will set you free.”
Translation: But steroids will get you over half a billion dollars just for playing baseball.