Oh thank god, it’s baseball season! March Madness be damned. I love baseball, seven glorious months of our national pastime, let’s get ready to drink warm beer, eat cold hot dogs and watch a group of players who make your annual salary in an inning!
With the start of every season comes my annual predictions. I’ll admit, last year I was wrong about the Rays, but who saw that coming? Apparently Tampa didn’t either because they didn’t sellout a home game that wasn’t against Boston or New York until the playoffs. Great fanbase my ass.
Anywho, let’s start off with the NL.
NL East
The NL East returns with a World Series trophy for the first time since George W. Bush’s first term in office. A lot of people are riding the Mets’ bandwagon, but I feel like Clay Aiken has a better chance of becoming straight than the Mets do of not folding in August/September. The Phillies will be back in the playoff picture, but as a Wild Card.
Who then will take the East? I’m sold on Atlanta. Veteran pitching with enough young talent to catch teams off guard will have the Braves back in the postseason and ready to crumble as usual come October. And if I’m wrong, just say you were drinking when you read this.
The call: Atlanta Braves
NL Central
Um….picking anyone other than the Cubs would be like having Paul Walker and Sean Penn on screen together and trying to have a serious discussion about who is the better actor. The Reds suck. The Pirates are … well, the Pirates. Milwaukee is sans the only reason they made the playoffs last year. And St. Louis is only Albert Pujols (Pronounced “poo-holes,” laugh, I know I did.)
The call: Chicago Cubs
NL West
It’s tempting to take the Dodgers, it really is. But remember that they have no pitching. Manny Ramirez gives you headlines, but he doesn’t deliver a backdoor slider on a 3-2 count in the bottom of the ninth with two on and a one run lead. Trust me, not enough pitching to carry this team. Which is why …
I think the San Francisco Giants have a legitimate shot of taking the West. Their starting pitching, even with an aging Randy Johnson, is enough to take bats down faster than Barbara Walters talking about dildos.
The call: San Francisco Giants
AL East
The Rays were a nice story blah, blah ####ing blah. Remember what happened to the Tigers after their World Series appearance in 2006? People were better prepared for them the next year, and actually made a point of circling them on their calendars. You see that? I just gave you a history lesson. Don’t be surprised when this team finished fourth in the division.
The usual suspects are going to be there in the end, the only differences between who wins the division will be if the Red Sox can remain healthy, and if New York’s newest bajilafreaking millionaires don’t crumble under massive media pressure. My gut feeling tells me we haven’t had the last Yankee scandal of the season, and that both Brian Cashman and Joe Girardi will be fired by August 1.
The call: Boston Red Sox
AL Central
Detroit is in shambles, Chicago is having injury issues already, Kansas City …, and an aging Twins team. That’s right folks, the best of the crap is going to be the Cleveland Indians. If you don’t believe me, watch Major League.
The call: Cleveland Indians
AL West
Oh the Angels are everyone’s darlings to win it all, not this year. Not with Vlad getting old and losing K-Rod’s bloated save total to the Mets. This team is going to be looking very confused when it’s barely hovering around the .500 mark by the All-Star Break. DON’T SLEEP ON THE ATHLETICS.
Call me crazy, but I have a feeling Jason Giambi is going to have a roided monster year, coupled with the addition of Matt Holliday, the baldy/moustachey combo should have the A’s thinking division title, and they will.
The call: Oakland Athletics
NL Wild Card: Philadelphia Phillies
AL Wild Card: New York Yankees
ALCS: Red Sox over Yankees
NLCS: Cubs over Phillies
World Series: Red Sox vs. Cubs
Yeah that’s right, ratings heaven. A Sox/Cubs World Series. Will I predict anything from here? Nope, let’s just say some old habits and paranoias die hard, kind of like herpes.
Thanks, Schools. Now I know who to blame when the Sox tank in August like they usually do.