Alright kiddies, you’ve been patient through four meaningless pre-season weeks, 17 regular season weeks, three rounds of the playoffs and one god-awful Pro Bowl. It’s time. You’ve earned the right to kick back, relax, and enjoy the Super Bowl with a few buds, some suds or something harder (note: wine is not allowed to be drank during the Super Bowl if you’re a dude, Rick). But before you crack open the first can, here are some simple drinking rules for the Super Bowl, and as always, do not listen to us, you will probably die if you follow these rules.
Take a sip every time …
-Someone says the word “rematch”
-Chris Collinsworth or Al Michaels mentions 2007
-There is a Manning involved in a commercial
-There is a first down
-You feel the sudden urge to punch The Hoodie
-Every time NBC uses the word “relentless” to describe the Giants’pass rush
-Every Wes Welker or Victor Cruz reception
-There is a beer commercial
-Someone says “Manning”
Chug every time …
-NBC shows a shot of the press box with Peyton Manning giving Jim Irsay his best “#### you” look
-There is a play of 25+ yards
-There is a turnover
-Eli Manning looks like a lost four-year-old
Take a shot every time …
-There is a play of 25+ yards that results in a touchdown
-There is a TAINT
-Kickoff or punt return for touchdown
-Manning or Brady takes a shot
-A team wins the game (this way everybody wins, including you!)
Just empty the bottle if …
-Someone mentions a Brett Favre comeback
-Brady gets a short field only needing a field goal to win the game (the only way he can)
-Manning’s lucky ass is saved by a helmet catch (this turns to two bottles if NBC has Rodney Harrison be a sideline reporter after the catch)
-Dan Patrick inadvertently says “en fuego”
So, what’s the call?
Giants 31 Patriots 24
But once again, SG reiterates: DO NOT PLAY BY THESE RULES, YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE.